"needing Time And Space"

[mattdad]

Well, if anything, it's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this, even though it sure feels that way..

My girlfriend and I had been in a sort of friendly purgartory for the past few months. She told me that she was pretty sure she wasn't in love with me but still loved being around me. We stayed pretty sexual all this time, which was merely a temporary salve to my wounded heart and a tonic to keep me fooled into believing that her feelings for me would eventually change...

The final act of this melodrama closed on Monday when she informed me that she's met someone else. She didn't even bring up the 'still want to be friends' crap!

So right now I feel about as used and abused as hell, bitter and half-dead inside. Not knowing what to do and kicking myself for not seeing through the friends charade.

Don't fall for the 'frineds' having sex crap! Once the heart's involved there's no turning back (if you have a heart, that is!)!

[UCFKevin]

Indeed.

 

In our break, we had sex twice and I recently told her that ain't gonna happen again, since to begin with, she said we wouldn't have sex as long as we're on the break, so when we had sex, I thought the break was over and I was happy as all hell, so it was extremely misleading.

 

I'm willing to wait. Spent the first 18 years of my life without getting booty, I can live a while without it.

[slowlydisintegrating]

Here's one for you all then...

 

My girlfriend has been unable to give me 100% of herself since we started dating. She was just ending another relationship when we met, and was planning to take some time out. However, along came me and she had no choice... ;-)

 

Anyway, it's been over a year and I always felt like she was pulling in a different direction and recently it all came to a head. After a few really serious chats, she said that she needs some time to be herself. She has been in relationships continuously for about 10 years and feels like she is always accountable to someone. I kind of understand that - going from one relationship to another serially like that is never going to give you the "space" to just do what you want to do.

 

Doesn't make it any easier though. Here I have a girl who I am totally in love with, and who is, apparently, totally in love with me, but she just needs to not be with anyone for a bit. To sort herself out so that she can give 100% because she knows it isn't fair. She has given her all before and wants to be able to do it again. Somehow I doubt whether it will be with me though.

 

What makes it harder is that we do text, email and speak regularly, and I keep getting the false impression that things are working out, only to find out they havent really changed for her.

 

I would like to be strong enough to just walk away - I feel that if she really loved me like she says she does then she would want to get through this without the risk of losing me. Trouble is, I can't. She's one of my closest friends. Most things remind me of her, or make me want to tell her about them.

 

I have broken up with people before as we discovered we were not compatible. What makes this one so hard is that we are very much compatible, but maybe just at the wrong time for her.

 

Anyone had something like this before?

 

Any advice?

[Goatsbreath]

HEy slowly disintegrating- Yeah, I have heard this one before. I dont mean to sound negative but it didn't turn out well. I mean really, I have been jumping from realationship to realationship so now I need to be alone. See, this makes no sense really. I mean, its like shes saying shes going to try and be alone for a while and see whats thats like because she might want to become a nun. She needs to test it out, see if thats the life for her. NO, really it means she is going to be alone for a bit until she finds someone else. If she has not already someone on her mind. The bottom line is, If she was happy she wouldn't be thinking being alone would be better then being with you. Right.

[lost_in_chgo]

She's no thappy. She needs to find herself first. Then she can decide what she really wants. What she's been doing isn't working for her and she needs the alone time to realize that.

[Saint]

Man, oh man. It really is interesting to see how non-unique our situations are. You know? You feel like," why is this happening to me? " And feel so alone. Then you come to this website and find that it's not just happening to you, but to every other person out there. SO thank you all. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

Anyway, well my girlfriend and I had been together for 2+ years when we hit a fork in the road. You see we just graduated college together and moved back home for a bit to figure out the next move in life. Things we're going well for the most part, and we had discussed having a break a couple times before in our relationship. She had said early on that a break would be a good idea when things got serious, so we could figure out if we want to take the next steps in life together. She had a point, but I hate the thought. When finally I proposed the topic again. I Sincerely hate the thought of a break and didn't understand why someone would take one until recently. Since we had just graduated and now thinking about bigger things I wanted to see if a break was going to bring clarity to our minds and allow us to grow closer. Well, A month had passed and she called once in a while, I would call once in a while, then she called with some bigger news. "Oh boy" I though, "I am going down big time". Over the break I reflected and was anticipating our reunion( I really wanted to be with this girl ands down) until she called and said she was still horribly "confused"(theres that word again) and she doesn't want to make a big decision like this while she is confused. She loves me, wants me to be the one, but she still feels like she needs more time. Fair enough, take your time but I am not waiting. I feel rejected and a fool since I thought I had met the one, but my worst fears transpired into reality. I believe everything she said because I have no reason not to, unfortunatly for us, she doesn't realize what she had and I did. so maybe she will maybe she won't. I am hurt badly, but I can't put my life on hold for indecision. It's not fair for me, or any of you.

 

But know this, even though we all may have similar stories of heart ache, our relationships with our partners are unique. Meaning that even though my "end " sounds similar to yours, it doesn't mean that the people in my story our the same and that everything that led up to the "break" was the same. So, you never know what can happen. Most cases will point to heart ache but I have heard a good amount of "breaks" turning out to be great things. even after hope was lost , people reunited once again. So my advice is this, don't wait, go on with your life(easier said than done I know) but know that some 'Breaks" do have a happy ending and some people take "breaks" for the right reasons while others take breaks for the wrong ones. Anxiety and anticipation can be a b@tch so do yourself a favor and slowly concentrate more and more on yourself. Until you really get a final answer. Good luck.

[dlb311]

I read all yout posts. I can say they have given me hope but I most press on with life at the same time. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about 4 months ago. We knew we wanted to get married one day when the time came. But we were serious. We talked about moving in together a few times and I never felt right about it because I didn't feel we were ready for that step yet. I didn't want to move in and it be to early and the relationship calasp because we were so good together.

 

I read early that people shouldn't move intogether unless they are planning on getting married soon. That is very very true you shouldn't. Sometimes you can get all caught up in the moment and not realize that though. So after a year and a half being together we decided when he graduated from school that we would move in. The time came he had a month left and he was going to move in with me and my current roomates who where engaged. We both started to freak out. I knew it wasn't time but since I had pushed it off the other times I thought I just needed to do it. And it would work out. But he started saying he was scared. I got all weirded out. Thinking he didn't want to be with me. in the end he left saying he will regret this but didn't know what else to do. After the break we kept in touch and I asked it we could work it out. He said in time. He needed his time to get his career in order and wasn't ready for that to be so serious. I am so very hurt because I still can't see spending my life with anyone else. But if he really doesn't want me as his girl then I will find some one who will. But I still want him to come back. I want him one day to wake up and say What am I doing. She is the girl I want and to come back. Its been 4 months and I still think he needs more time. I think time will make us strong because time makes everything better when it comes to break ups. I don't contact him well maybe once a month so far I have. or he has to me. He said he wants to be "Best Friends" because I have been the one best friend he will always need but I need him as my lover as well. We where great in so many ways.

 

Anyway you have given me hope that he may wake up some day and realize what he lost when he left.

 

Thanks

[marc_d]

I think it all depends on the situation. I think that if all the one person truly needs is a little break, many times we get scared and push them farther away by not giving them space like they wish. They feel like they are being controlled. I know how hard it is to not talk to them and stuff but I think if you are strong and show them this you increase your odds.

[adamsb]

I read all your posts and its amazing how much they resemble my terrible situation.

My girlfriend/soulmate/love of my life has lived with me for over three years. I have been extremely stressed and worked hard to pay all the bills as she was in school and had difficulty getting a career going. I put a roof over her head. Last Christmas we were so broke but she wanted to see her family so I sent her home and had no Christmas at all myself. But gave everything of my life to this girl. And a few months ago all of the sudden secret nights out with the "girlfriends" start to happen. She was so cozy to me over the years and I could never get her to be social. Well I soon discovered that the female friends she supposedly was staying at their house was actually a man. Then she starts vanishing for days unend but I would see her car parked at this man's house. She stops talking to her friends and family and they turn on me. Then finally she confronts me and says this man is only a friend and she needs to break up with me to "find herself" because we have bad "Karma". She blamed her lack on success in a job on living with me and said she didn;t want to become dependant. But the kicker is she says I am her best friend and wants to stay roommates. Several weeks go by of her casually appearing at the place now and then - several fights of me asking her to please at least let me know by leaving a message if she is ok (winter driving). This man has smashed her car which a stuggled to pay for while she was in school.

 

I decided to move out and she is all in a panic saying "please don't go - i love you so much" but then right back to going out everynight - sleeping god knows where, secrets galore. She tells me that this man is who she will spend Christmas day with because his Mum is her friend and is excited to have her as a guest. new Years as well. Neither or our family lives within 1000 miles of our home so I feel totally abandoned.

 

The crazy thing is I still love her so much that I'm desparate to believe that this man is just a friend and she is trying to get something out of her system. When she dumped me I had bought her an engagement ring and was a few weeks from giving it to her. So I'm so devastated that all I want to do wonder where she is - where is she getting money when I'm paying all the rent? Now and then she comes home and tries to act like all is normal, like will watch tv with me all night but 10PM roles around and she's like "I gotta go meet a friend" and she's gone. Sometimes she comes home, sometimes she doesn.t

 

You may find this crazy but this girl has always been the most wholesome, honest, loving person. My parents love her so much they have dumped on me. I don;t know what is going to happen but I feel like at this point all my plans for life were hijacked. I'm miserable, heartbroken and I've cried over this so many times by myself and I haven't cried since I was a kid. We're both in our mid 20s but I feel like I've been left by my soulmate.

[CanadianBornCutie]

I too am in a very similar situation.

 

He says that we are "casually dating" we had the best relationship, we were very dedicated and so in love with each other. But he had to leave and take a break from being serious because he felt like he didn't have enough time for me anymore, and he felt guilty for not being able to call me as much or anything. So he said he still loves me and everything. We talk regularly and we still see each other. He told me he doesn't expect me to wait but hopefully one day when he figures out his stuff and stops being selfish hopefully i'll still be here. He also says he needs to truly figure out if I'm the one for him. I miss him as my boyfriend yes, but i'm moving on slowing and giving him space that I know he needs. I also am starting my career and am very busy. We just made too many promises to each other that we knew we couldn't keep. If things went as planned we'd be engaged by now, and THAT's scary. I now know i wouldn't be ready!

 

So a few years down the road, we'll evaluate things, but we still want each other in each of our lives.

 

Now for success stories.......

 

I know of people who went on breaks dated other people and now they are engaged to be married they realizedt hat they really loved each other.

 

so it can happen!

[UCFKevin]

The tired old cliche is true. Let them go, if they come back, it's meant to be, if they don't, it wasn't.

 

I don't even know what I'd do if my ex came back to me wanting to start things up again.

[mandarincool]

absolutely. people do reconcile after taking time and space. i agree with the guy that mentioned the issue of control. i think that time away allows reestablishment of equilibrium. the time apart helps each individual learn more about their feelings- to own their positive and negative feelings about the other and to reflect on what they are doing in the relationship. i've gotten back together with someone after one of these. but he dated another person during the break as did i... so it was kind of messy and painful, but in the end it helped us find more resolution. later on we actually did break up for good... so it's a long and winding road. i think there have to be a lot of bumps in the road before one knows how to just be with someone else in a committed way. and when that happens, it just is.

[MysticalZ]

Well after a long drawn out 9 months of being with someone who wasn't certain if he was ready emotionally and mentally to commit, he told me today that he needs to be 'alone' to sort himself out. We both feel/felt the soul mate thing, not that that really matters *sigh*. He's had a rough last 2 years, realised that he is internally miserable and I understand why he needs to be alone to work on his life. I would also say that he is clinically depressed, worn down at this time and unable to view his life with clarity.

 

But how hard is it for us who are left stranded by love? Sooo painful. The only faith we can hold on to is that everything will work out as it should. I am hoping that after he's had a few months to seek clarity that he will realise that he misses and needs me.. If he doesn't, well, c'est la vie... That is life...

 

I know the next few weeks/months r going to b painful for the both of us. All I have is faith. All I ask for is happiness. All I send him is love. All I want to do is rid myself of this horrible feeling. I wish I was happy.

 

Why do u need to rid yourself of the love in ur life to sort out your life's confusion?

[mandarincool]

it is so frustrating to accept the importance of timing and being ready, in order for love to jell. without those critical components, things tend to get too complicated, or they just fall flat. sometimes i think we hold on to someone who isn't ready, because we're not truly ready, and this keeps us occupied so that we are not open to someone who really is available.

 

i don't know. just a thought. right now i'm pretty preoccupied with tearing to bits each detail of the last four months to make sense of why my lil relationship didn't work. and i'm blaming, blaming, blaming myself. but i know that i tried to hard and did the best i could. i can also see he tried very, very hard to make it work. but it didn't. i still hope we can continue our conversation, but in a way i know i need to move on.

[nave6452]

I'm writing this in concern to my girlfriend who recently told me that she needed to take a break because of personal issues. We're both 21 years old and in school, but this situation is different because she really does have a vailid reason for a break. Recently she has come down with serisous depression, and nothing will make her happy, not me, not her friends, no one. Its a very tough situation and I know deep down that I must give her the time to heal and get better. She must first be happy with herself before me.

Its just very tough because she's a loner and likes to sit alone and figure everything out herself. I'm going to give her the space she needs, but I dont know what's going to happen. Its a very tough situation, but maybe i'm reading into it to much, but i really think her reason is valid. She is going through the toughest period of her life so far, i just wish she would let me stay along for the ride with her. She says that she can see us together again, but she doesn't know how long it will take her. She doesn't want me to wait forever, cause she says its not fair to me cause of her problems. We ended our last conversation 2 days ago by saying we love eachother. I dont know what the future holds, but if anyone has any advice or experiences on this, please share with me, it would be greatly appreciated

[SmittenKitten]

Nave,

 

I'm going through the exact same thing you r. We broke up 2 days ago cuz he needs to work on his personal life issues and doesn't want to bring someone down with him. Think he is clinically depressed and needs to do this on his own.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any true advice but hang in there - that's what I'm doing... I'm also getting a lot of intuitional messages for myself such as "Just be patient"... Although I don't know the outcome, whether the love is strong enough to have him return, but have faith in the outcome... That no matter what, where they go, just wish him/her love and happiness...

 

It is hard because the first thing I do when I wake is think of him...The first thing I want to do is assist with his pain - but we can't do that. It's something they need to do on their own. Mayb I'm blinded by faith, but maybe this space is a good thing, mayb they will return after healing - who knows? Mayb they won't... But have faith that life and love r doing this for a good reason...

 

SmittenKitten

[nave6452]

Thanks, i agree with everything that you said. All we can do i stick in there and hope that they get better for themselves. As i told her, i have faith in her that things will get better for her and inturn get better for us. Its just a situation where I keep blaming myself, but even though she tells me that i shouldn't, i still feel like i must have done something for her to want this. I just cant get it out of my mind that a break really means that they want a break, not a nice way of saying its over. I think that these are different circumstances, but i guess we will just have to wait and see. Good luck to you. Feel free to share any other ideas

[SmittenKitten]

Hi Nave,

 

Yes I have those doubtful moments too when I wonder 'could it be me? could I have done something better? Should I have been happier all the time?'... But the truth is, we did what we could and as it was meant to be done. DO NOT beat urself with a stick over it, u had a good intention and that is all that matters. I feel that no matter what we could've done, life lead them to this particular predicament... It's their life and not our responsibility to make them feel good about themselves and their relationships with others and their lives... It's THEIR duty to ensure that they r happy within... If they r foolish to not see what they have lost, and what support we could have provided, it is THEIR loss and they have actually done us a favour... Because to me, we r all given chances in life to be happy... Some ppl prefer to say "woe is me" instead of "woah is me", they CHOOSE to see the miserability in life rather than the miracles... It's THEIR responsibility, we can NOT beat ourselves over their lack of control in their lives... Just have faith that all will be as it should, and remember, to SMILE right this moment... Cuz this lesson we r learning although hard to take, is a VALUABLE one which we will appreciate in days to come... TRUST me, TRUST that... The meaning of life to me is to LOVE... To love those who love us and to love those who can not love us... Just send her love, have the intention to be happy and all will b as truly intended...

 

SmittenKitten

[nave6452]

Thanks, I talked to her today and we had a good conversation. She contacted me first and then I decided to call her back. We didn't go into to much depth about things, but we both think the future looks good. We decided we will wait and see what is happens. She is beginning to feel better which is the important thing. We both love eachother very much, she doesn't want to say it right now because she is feeling better and doesn't want to complicate anything at this time. I do understand and i know she just needs to take her mind off of everything right now. We ended by saying that we would talk to eachother in a few days. I guess thats a step in the right direction.

[SmittenKitten]

That's good 2 c Nave. Just row the bow gently down the stream..

[JamVan]

Well it's good to know I'm not alone in this crusade of love. My girlfriend of 7 months are going through the same situation as most of you. She came to me one day and said she needed a break and that we needed to both get back our individuality. At the time I couldn't comprehend this and thought to myself a break is abreak up in my eyes so let's end it. She continued to talk to me to help me realize that she felt she didn't want to lose me and just wanted to see how things would go. I graciuosly backed off giving her the space and time she asked for, to my astonishement the calls became more frewuent although the situation remained the same. Maybe, I don't have the patience necessary to go on through this, but after two weeks of seperation we decided to spend a night together, it felt extremely weird in many ways I can't explain. The morning came and she gave me her regular morning email telling me that she enjoyed the time we spent together and was glad I came over. I was feeling something totally different. As I am devoltely in love with this girl, I found myself not being able to handle this anymore and said to her you want space and time, but I fell you can't give me everything I want or need at this point so maybe we should end it for good. She replied to me that she really doesn't want to lose me, but that I need to do what will keep me sane. So, I then replied then lets end it.

 

She proceeded to give me the line that it's important to her that we remain friends and still communicate. I felt that this would achieve nothing and if I am to get over her I need my own time and space to do that and that maybe doen the road "who knows?". I found myself thinking have I just made a huge mistake, but I know inside if someone can't be totally committed to a relationship it's pretty well doomed. So I decided to set her free.

 

Then came the next morning, her morning email and she stated " I know you asked me not to contact you, but I was thinking about you and was wondering how you were doing? Also, do you still stick to the decisions you made yesterday?" I was thinking NO! I'm not going to reply, but I did. I got everything I was feeling off my chest both good and bad and let her know the reasons I've been holding on this long. She emailed me back saying she was swamped at work and did want and would reply to me, but hasn't yet.

 

Am I holding on to something that was and isn't anymore? Should I continue to fight for the one I believe to be my true love? These are the wuestions I am asking myself at this point. I do know I am taking things day by day and living my life for me. One thing I've learned over the years is you can't make anyone love you and who would want to for that matter? But, some advice from you guys would be great as the insight of others living the same situation sometimes makes decisions somewhat easier.

 

Thanks for your stories guys and gals. And here's to a happy life full of TRUE love.

 

Take care

[lexy]

Well after reading everyne's messages i realize that i'm not the only one hurting. My boyfriend of a year just one day out of the blue told me that he needed his space and that just killed me because i honestly believe that is an easy way to break up with someone. i know because i myself once did it and now i'm kind of wishing that i wouldn't have because i feel like i'm being punished for what i did. i love my boyfriend so much and i don't want to lose him and i know that this will happen if we do take a break. he say that he wants to be with his friends and finish school and i don't know if i can wait around for him. i love him and honestly think that this is true love and this is my reason for not wanting to give up.but when i speak to him about the way i love him and only want to be with him that makes him scared. i'm not looking for marriage anytime soon but it is something nice to think about far far far down the road. so i'm stuck in a rut and i'm so confused on what to do about this......

[JamVan]

Well since my last post a lot has happened in my situation. Last Wednesday, I told my girlfriend i couldn't do this any longer that it was bringing me down. She respected my decision and we ended it that day. She ofcourse asked if we could still communicate, but as hard as it was to tell her I suggested we sever all ties for now and see what happens down the road. I asked her not to contact me for awhile and take some time to herself to figure out her thought and feelings. The next day she emailed me saying I know you didn't want me to contact you but I miss you a lot and wondered if you stood by your decision. I said it has to be this way until cooler, clearer heads prevail. The weekend went by without any contact then I got 3 emails 2 phone calls until she finally got a hold of me.

 

She said she wanted to talk and felt we needed too and asked if she could come over Thursday, I said that would be fine as I still have many things which I want to say to her. I thought that would be it until she caled me last night, telling me she has done a lot of thinking and that she needs to decide whether she wants to settle down. That being said, in this short period of time I have learnt to love myself again and was actually happy. I know I still love her, but am still doubtful as to how this will all turn out.

 

My advice to the last poster is You can't make someone love you they have to do that on your own and if you truly love this guy give him his space (all of it) sometimes people need to lose something totally before they realize what they lost. If he comes back and you still love him and are available then great, but if not at least you can find solice in your living your life for YOU!

 

In my situation we attemted to keep in touch although it was to drastic a change for me to handle. She was sitting there thinking he'll never leave, so I can take as long and do what I want in order to find out what it is I want. Nobody wants a doormat and nobody deserves to be one. I was one and finally took a stand for my own feelings. What the results are from all of this I'll keep you all posted.

 

Best of luck to you all!!!

[photoshop]

Sucks because,

 

I'm trying to be like you JamVan. Part of me wants to be there for her because she still wants me

around even though she's the one doing the leaving. And the only reason I want to hang around is because

i care about her and love her so much, but I know she's going thru some major issues. It took a hell of

a lot of courage for her to tell me she wanted to be on her own. And she has struggled with it and struggled with it.

So I feel for her, But like I said, I'm trying to be more like you.

 

 

I want to give her the space she needs but she's pretty much pleading with me to hang tight

and still know her during this time that we are splitting up. But a huge huge part of me thinks

i need to cut the cord completly, otherwise, what good will it do me hanging out with her, wishing I

could kiss her or take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her or anything like that. And what

happens down the road when months have gone by and she still hasn't figured anything out, I have to get

on with my life.

[JamVan]

I feel what you're feeling photoshop. It's truly hard to let go of someone you feel totally in love with you, but alike yourself you get to a certain point when you say enough is enough. It's funny how the people asking for space that once given to them come calling back twice as hard. But, trust me on this one...I know the torture and anguish you must be going through waiting and trying to be supportive, because I just went through it myself. If you decide to walk and give the person the space they want, keep yourself busy and start thinking of the other things that make you happy and go for them, do it for yourself. I can almost guarantee that with the time you will find yourself either doing 2 things. 1. Would be you still miss and love that person and decide to give it another shot or 2.You realize that you can in fact be happy without them and move on with your life.

 

It sounds as though those you ask for time don't really realize what they are doing it for, but there is one thing I feel is that you as the other party can't get them over it, they must do it for themselves.

 

Like my situation right now, as soon as I pulled away and said I don't want this anymore, she has come back admitting to mistakes from the past that she never had before. I know it takes two to tangle, but some people when faced with adversity seek the easy way out. No one ever said love is easy, especially in todays age. But what you need to do is live for yourself and all will turn out one way or the other.

 

Cheers!!!