Evanescence Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I have an update for you all on my situation. The ex called yesterday so we could have our "talk". Stupid me cried to him about how I've changed and I'll give him anything if he'd just come back to me (ugh..how desperate can I be?? And after all of this time "pulling" back... what a huge "PUSH"). I also went and asked a dumb question..."Are you seeing somebody?" He said yes. And they aren't just "seeing each other" they are actually an item... bf and gf. That goddamn killed me. How could he be with someone already? After he had the nerve to get upset with me when I said that I was thinking of starting to see other people? And i wasn't even meaning "dating" someone else... i meant seeing what is out there.. what other guys have to offer me! He said it is different with him. He was insulted when I said that because I am the one who was broken up with and he was insulted that it would only take me a month to get over it and start to have interest in someone else. He said it's ok for him to be showing interest in someone else because he is the one who wanted out and cut the ties. I asked him exactly why he broke up with me, and he said "i was sick of dealing with your attitude and temper". I'll admit i have an attitude.. and i have a bad temper, but i never thought they were serious enough to break up with me over! I told him that he should have communicated this to me when we had a talk a few months ago about all the stuff that was bothering us. He didn't mention a word about this! I also asked him if it was this girl who he left me for, he said no. He had no interest in any other person in specific when he broke up with me. He said that when he became single he felt like the bachelor. Girls all started acting differently towards him. So instead of dating around, he took what he thought was the pick of the litter and is taking her for a test drive right now. Supposively she knows that he is still in love with me and that he can still see his future with me (yes, he said that) and she's ok with that!!! Anyway, needless to say, I'm heartbroken. But things can only go up from here and I can see that they are already starting to. Link to post Share on other sites
davej Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 evanescence: wow. Sorry to hear that, but I know how it feels. There's not a whole lot I can do/say other than to second your thought of things can only go up from here. You are great person, and (don't take this the wrong way), but there is a man out there that can/will make you happy. Hold up your head, and carry on with life. As you said, it WILL get better! -Dave Link to post Share on other sites
justaregularguy Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Well, as expected, the "let's catch up this weekend" was a complete farce. I was supposed to go over and hang out tonight but she called earlier saying she was too tired from the "events of the weekend"... uh huh... whatever.... I was just going to go over and drop something off for crying out loud, not go and run a marathon. Having said that, even had the nerve to tell me that she merely called "because she said she would" - sounding like she actually didn't really want to call - but just did so because she said she would touch base. I really get the feeling that someone else is involved - so that's about it for me. I'm not even going to wait to hear it from her and basically come to terms with my *mere belief* that there was something else leading to this "break". I'm not left with much choice and that dim light at the end of the tunnel pretty much just went out. But ya know what? in the infamous words of William Hung from American Idol - the complete laughing stock of the nation a couple weeks ago: "I already gave my best and I have no regrets at all." Link to post Share on other sites
Evanescence Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 You have made a good choice. Just end it. If she is treating you this badly, then she doesn't deserve you. It's horrible the way she is treating you. I know cuz my ex treated me the exact same way. And you know what i'm saying now? F**k him. Really. I realized why bother giving so much effort for someone who doesn't even seem to care? It's just not worth my time and i have so many other things to worry about and concentrate on (like in my instance school). Go out, have fun, be with friends and live life to the fullest. That's what i'm doing right now and i'm having a blast. I'll admit I still don't feel completely up to par, that will take a while, but i'm feeling so much better! Take care and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted March 8, 2004 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2004 Move on Girl! You've more worth as a woman than to pine over a dude that doesn't appreciate you. The little things that you need to work on can be overcome. C Link to post Share on other sites
justaregularguy Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Yuppers, you got that right.... YOU deffo deserve a lot better too so in the end, I think we all come out ahead as long we look out for numero uno, and not let someone else manipulate / step on / mislead / confuse / lead us down the garden path / etc etc with respect to our hearts and minds. Expectation leads to disappointment when it comes to someone else's actions - However, if you just expect YOURSELF to come out ahead - then all will "be the way it should be" in the end. As much of an a$$ as I may sound for repeating this quote (mind you, in light of of my own situation, I think I've finally been *convinced* to believe it ) - "The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else" Good luck to all. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Evan, thats real bad & i feel for you! Some people just don't have the feelings & are as emotional as others, they can easily do this. Mabe in a way i wish i was like it & i wouldn't be hurting. I know my s/o doesn't want another & there was never another, because she was in America & is now back in Europe & she's the kind of girl that enjoys being on her own, but that doesn't say she never will. What seperated us was an illness, & i will show her what i'm like without it & go from there. I understand how you reacted, when he called you, when it's out of the blue, you aren't prepared & say & do things without first thought, i too was emotional when i accidentally called my s/o, but she didn't help. Nate, what you said about don't back off thinking your making them miss you, this is all the advice i have been given. I know Cali girl isn't broken up yet, & so they are still around each other, but it's that fine line thing again for the seperated ones, making sure they know your feelings, without pushing & whilst respecting them. Some of us can't just carry on, i am somewhere now where i know no-one & can't return to where i was before i met her because i severed all ties with there, to be with her & there's no going back, this is why my attention is solely on reconciliation & looking to my chance. I do know we spent too much time together & for her especially, this wasn't good, along with my problem starting & i understand her need for a break, but lying & not contacting i don't get. Link to post Share on other sites
JamVan Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 I think Evan said it best. After putting forth so much effort and seeing no imput back. one eventually gets fed up and says to themselves I am worth so much more than this. After meeting my ex last week and she proclaiming her love for me and telling me she wants me back, she takes off for four days to Quebec City on a pool tournament...do you think I heard a word from her? NO! To me if someone is as truly sorry and wants to make it work at all costs doesn't even call to say hello after 4 days, then to me that isn't much of an effort. I have been stand-offish since are meeting I'll admit, but I told her it's up to her to prove to me her felings and help me feel the love she once had for me to even give this a chance. Well, so far it's exactly what I expected from her...her doing things for only herself. I have come to the point where I need the soap opera to end. I have moved on to better my life and find "one day" the true love that we are all searching for. I have said in my past posts I have potentially met someone else. Well, that has been going extremely slow and find the two of us with feelings but taking it as slow as two people can and that is probably for the best. We all need to learn to enjoy life again and not have someone we truly felt were the one control are life, actions and emotions. I have to say that through all of this the one remaining constant through it all, is you have to bring happiness to yourself and if one day someone is there to share it with you then great. True love should not feel like a chore it should feel like a blessing. So to all of you in this post, remember were all good people and good things come to those who give good back. Keep your ora shining brightly anf hold you chin high. tommorrow is another day!!! Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyEverything Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 You just hit on a GOOD point Vivid... Why would you throw away a perfectly good relationship to be single and free and Indepenent. ***There must be someone else involved.*** Link to post Share on other sites
JamVan Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 from the ex and by her tone of voice she seems to be really happy to talk to me. I wasn't as excited hearing from her. She told me first that she really missed me a lot this weekend, I said that's good I guess. She said what do you mean you guess? What's wrong with you she said? I said nothing. Then she asked if I thought about us and was wondering if I was still interested in making a go of all of this. I simply said I still have lots of questions I am asking myself. She said I thought we ironed all of that out. I said you do, you think that? Anyway, she says to me, " I was hoping we could hook up after she is done playing pool and hoping we could spend the night together" I actually panicked a little. I told her well give me a call when you're done and we'll go from there. I really don't know what to do???? Do I spend the night with her and see how I feel or do I say sorry I have other plans? I can tell she knows I'm really being reserved towards all of this. She has so much excitement in her voice, that I think to myself if I can't go through with this I really don't want to hurt her, even though she has hurt me in the past. I need some advice guys...help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Oh come on, **** me, if you love someone, prove it to them & win them back, move on, my candy arse, everyones just trying to evade the issue, we want them back, but are just trying to talk ourselves into doing what everyone else says! f**k that, no chance. Ok space & no contact & even share time with someone else, but forget, ABSOLUTELY NOT!. quitters some are, but not me. I LOVE HER, NO-ONE ELSE, call me sad, but one day she will thank me, THESE ARE HER WORDS!i may be a dreamer or sad, but i can't live in regret of what may have been if i wasn't ill. Walking in the Himalayan foothillsd, cycling big bear in Colorado & Hawaii also, all these we planned & if it's so easy for everyone to forget, ok, but for me it aint. Time i will give & space , but forget,master yoda, never, strong am i & wait i will! Link to post Share on other sites
eagle_nate Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 FOLLOW YOUR HEART... We will all have our theories and experieces from which to draw upon to give you advice. And as much as we may all care and be experiencing similar issues, only you know what you really want to do man. Only you have the answers you're looking for. What does your heart say? I'm betting it is saying to go but your mind is telling you not to. There is no right or wrong answer...if you don't go, you might kick yourself in the ass for a while and wonder what if? If you do go, and it goes well, you will be thankful...until something happens down the road and you wind up wishing you went.... Are you getting my point? Who the hell knows what the future holds.... Go if it feels good to your heart...suffer the consequences of your actions (good or bad) should they arise. This could be the turning point in your relationship man. Maybe just hear out what she has to say, maybe ask some questions you need to ask. But whatever you do, do what feels good to you. Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
dlb311 Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 but she asked for time and space so what you should not give it to her. No if you love her or him you will do your best because you love them. If you don't give them that you are pushing them away more. Unless she dumped you and said she needed time and space because she got fed up with the crappy way your treated her or you cheated on her. Then you have to prove yourself. I don't say go away I say lay it out for them tell them how you feel how you want it. And then if they still want time and space if you really love them give it to them. Other wise you are only torturing yourself. And annoying them. Do you know what its like when you a friend or pet or sibling that just is always there telling you the same thing I love you I want you I need this to work. YOu get to sick of it, you want to never see them again. You get outraged. My advice tell them how you feel you love them you can't imagine life with out them and if they get a change of heart to never hestiate to call no matter 10 years or 1 month from now. And give them space. Theres a thing with to much, obsessive, and its just your feeling helpless with out them. If you can't be strong enough to love them and let them have it then you need to work on yourself. You should be able to stand on your own. YOu never know when your last day or theirs will be. You have to enjoy today....and hope for tomorrow. My boyfriend wanted time and space at first it was so hard. Then I finally decided everytime we talked he didn't want me back. So I could only so was to tell him how much he meant to me.. and that I needed to get over this...and so until I felt strong enough I could not have contact. It took time for me to really stop the contact. But once I did and moved on thats when he thought he lost me and realized that the other people out there can't compare to what we have. I am so in love with him and always have been but he needed time and space to realize it.... just my opinion here but I went through it and its work in progress...but everynight I lay in bed with him he falls alseep in my arms or visa versa and I lay there for 5 minutes and just charish that I have him there and breath as much of him in as I can because I never know when it could end. not because we aren't good just because you never know..... this is your life there are other things to focus on then your heart its so hard I know I have been there but once I started focusing on fun with friends spending time with family, meeting new people, school, work..... I felt so in control again and happy... and when he came back he saw how happy I was he told my friend she is my same debbie and she is so happy its very attractive..... good luck Link to post Share on other sites
JamVan Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Thanks Eagle_Nate I think that's exactly what I needed to hear and I couldn't agree more with you. I think we all wish to know what will happen, but the fact of the matter as you said, none of us know what life will bring. Through all of this hurt, confusion, heart-ache, etc... the one true contant is I do love this girl, in what ways now??? Maybe I have to find out. You know monkey makes one good point, when you have everyone around you telling you don't go back they are no good for you, you begin to question yourself and your feelings. I guess I have to listen only to my heart and make decisions for me and not worry about making everyone else around me happy with decisions they feel right for me. Thanks for the support and I'll let you all know. Ciao for now!!1 Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Dlb, as i say, i give space, but i don't give up, mabe i date others, but not being up my own arse, i don't want to give anyone else hope, because i feel iwon't feel anything for them whilst i love her! Eagle, your so right, why doesn't my s/o think this, i guess she's taken a class in reading the future!, but doing what my heart feels good, i don't think will work, i'm doing what my mind says & leaving her be! I never treated her bad or cheated, i came down with a medical condition that had it's affect on her & she now needs space, i admit i initially didn't give it, because i've not been brought up to finish with someone if they get ill!, absolutely no reason, no question! Dlb, thats tops, i'm so glad for you, i get a tear also because she also used tom fall asleep on me in front vof the TV, i sometimes was uncomfortable, but i stayed there, for her, why can't they think of this now! Link to post Share on other sites
dlb311 Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 I totally understand medical... I went through depression and axiety while my boyfriend was adjusting to graduation of school, getting a job which was far away he was commuting which was like 100 miles one way.... and we were planning on moving in together. It was all on top of each other. Neither one of us could see the mess that was boiling. And one day he and I both could not take it and he walked out. I am glad we got a break it made me realize how much even though I already knew how much love him and need him and want him and he completes me. We are still so young so no hurry but we enjoy ourselves together and we both understand about space and time with the girls and guys yet we have our weekends were we can't get enough of eachother its so special. Just remember though once its down it can only go up. you and only you can make yourt chioces who cares whether someone thinks its a bad idea its not their life its your and sometimes you have to go back so you don't have what ifs... I am so glad I did... even though everyone I knew said we knew you would get back....if its real and its over time will heal all wones... and other loves and adventures will come...cherish everyperson and every moment of your life. And be the best person you can. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyEverything Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 It's troubling stuff. I feel as though my EX who wants to be with me, doesn;'t want to be with me, Wants to be with etc etc. suffers from depression....She's always saying she doesn;t know what the Hell she's doing, what she wants, that she's stupid for hurting me, that she's worthless and not good at anything etc. etc. It's rough. Link to post Share on other sites
dlb311 Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 depression can hurt a relationship. If you are on the other end of depression you can't understand it and it fustrates you to all ends. but the truth is the person with the depression has to understand they have it and deal with it and want to get better. Other wise anything you do wont help. But no matter what if you love her stick by her friend or lover...its a hard thing to go through its nice when there is something you can cuddle with and just cry or talk it through even when it doesn't make sense.... just be patient Link to post Share on other sites
davej Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 as most of you are aware. My gf of 5+ years left on 2/5/4.. On 2/22/4 she said she wanted no contact no anything anymore.. We haven't spoke since... She is living next to a florist in an apartment building on the 3rd floor.. (needless to say, I am still more than hung up on this girl). My idea is to tape a string on the outside of her bedroom window that said "pull me", (I work on satellites, and I have a 40' ladder). run it onto the roof of the florest, and tie it to a rose and a note that said call me, love dave or something of that nature.. Maybe a short little poem, or something of the sort.. My 2 questions are, should I do it at all, (if not, do you have any suggestions on something I should do), or will she feel like I'm "crowding her". (She knows that I know where she lives, so she wouldn't think i'm stalking or anything like that). If I should do it, should I do it soon, or wait another 2 weeks (which would mark 2 months apart). I'm DESPERATELY trying to get an oportunity to win this girl back. Thanks in advance for the help! -Dave Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Don't do it. No contact means no contact Whenever you think you want to do something like that, or think you want to call her, call a friend instead or go for a walk. Do anything but make contact. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Yeah. And even thought it's your profession, scaling walls and ladders and strings might be a little too weird. Don't scare her off. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyEverything Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 I've been tempted on more than one occasion to confess my undying love to her or make a huge, gigantic sign in her apartment that says I LOVE YOU! But there's nothing we can do, we can't change their minds, we can't force them to come back. Think about this too........It's going to be hard work and a lot of effort made to rekindle the flame and reconcile the relationship. Anyone else really think about all the hard work that would have to go into trying to get back together with our ex's who left us??? Link to post Share on other sites
Evanescence Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Is it just me or has this thread turned from "Needing Time and Space" to , "How to get back with your ex?" LOL.... just seems that way. They have broken up with us, technically most of us aren't on breaks anymore. Maybe some of us have to realize this. I did.. and it helped big time. You will feel so much better if/when you reach that point of acceptance. But you have to let yourself get there too. I kept refusing it, but this weekend I accepted it! And it feels absolutely wonderful! I thought that when i reached this point i would feel worse than ever, but i feel great! Just remember that it takes time and that you have to let yourselves go through what you are feeling. Listen to what people's opinions are but mostly listen to what your heart is telling you. I don't know if I've posted this on this thread before, but my new motto (as pessmistic as it sounds) is "Expect the worst, and hope for nothing" It's the only way to get through it unfortunately. The only hope that you SHOULD have, is hope that you will get better and stuff will start to work to your advantage. About all this effor to get them back, like i said a few days ago... it's really not worth your time. You should be putting all that effort into trying to get yourself back! Don't any of you feel like you've lost yourself through this whole process? I know I did. Instead of buying your ex a gift in hopes that they will take u back, why not go spend that $$ on yourself and make yourself feel better? Being a girl I have many ways to pamper myself (I've done a complete make over of myself.. cut over half a foot of hair off, got my nails done, got my make up done, bought an entirely new wardrobe - girly stuff that i NORMALLY don't do), but I'm sure the guys can find tons of stuff to do to show self-appreciation too! Trust me, it is much more worth your efforts than your ex is! Link to post Share on other sites
eagle_nate Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 I feel for you Dave...I think we all want to find a way to get back with our exes. I assure you, if you do what you are talking about, you will get a restraining order and that's about it! Move on....easy to say i know, but I did and with time and effort, you can surely do the same. Seriously! Stay away man, she went as far as to ask you to do this, so unfortunately, you have little other choice but to leave her alone. It sucks but you'll get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Hey guys... Evanescence...I love the way you are thinking! I am glad you are feeling better, I really am. You are right, I should go out and pamper myself too. But again, in my case, I still dont know whats to come. He had 3 chances to break it off with me and he never did. He just didnt know what to do yet. Unfortunately, I am waiting for that phone call when he makes his decision and it scares the crap out of me. I just want him to want to work this out with me. 8 years is such a long time to just let me go and NOT want to work on things. Im also going through this emotions of like if he is ok or not. I worry soo much about him. But thats part of my obsessing. I keep thinking maybe hes going through a depression or maybe he is afraid to call me now. I dont know. Its killing me and consuming my mind. I would give anything to have him call me and tell me everything is Ok with us. Anything. I get these thoughts in my head that if I buy him that one DVD he wanted, or get him all his favorite goodies and have them delivered to his house, that it will win him back and remember what he has in me. I just want him to know I still love him so much and havent forgotten about him. Link to post Share on other sites
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