"needing Time And Space"

[Geoffrey]

dlb311,

 

You are absolutely right....I am in the process of moving on myself right now. It does get easier with the passage of time....when your emotions settle down and catch up with your head....then you have the right perspective on the whole thing. That is where I am right now. I haven't heard from my ex-GF in well over a week now....I have a feeling she is now with this other guy I have been writing about...but there is nothing more I can do about that...I have almost accepted it. I am very close. You're also right, she may one day wake up and find that she made another mistake, and regret blowing the second chance she had with me. I will probably never know it, though. But by the time she realizes it, I will have moved on...and it will be too late....heck, it's too late already!!

 

I did meet someone else...someone who has a lot to offer...and she and I are going to take it SLOWLY....just get acquainted....and the rest of the relationship will take care of itself....

[sinkerswim]

The thing is..DLB...

I am engaged to this man...

I guess We just always thought we would be together forever...

[MarKus]

Originally posted by MarKus

Geoff,

 

Thanks for your reply,

I have left it for 2 days now with out responding,

so i shall propably just reply either tonight or tomorrow,

 

Just something basic and short, is that wise

 

For some reason im just not up to texing her or talking with her right now, because i havnt in a month. which was compleatly different than in the beginning...where i would have loved to have heard from her...we have never had a no contact thing going on, just a break.

 

She has texed me numerous times over the months, and if i ever texted her or whatever she would reply to me.

 

Over a month ago she wanted to meet me, i said yes. Got no responce so i left it at that.

so she text me last week, that i ignored

And text me the other day saying

"Hello, u ok? Have u been up to much? tb x"

 

Hell if i was in her position, and i didnt want to be with someone, i wouldnt bother calling, texting or emailing at all, just to spare them, she's probably wondering why i havnt replied to her, so shes trying again

 

i still havnt responded to that 2nd text message.....am i doing the right thing?...been over a month since i last text her.....I do want to text her back....i would probably say something simple like this "Im ok, How are you"

[Mollyanna]

Well it is pretty bad when the space and time issue is recommended by a therapist. X and I have tried to work through this, but he went to a counselor recently so he could deal with the feelings he still has over his divorce, and the therapist recommended that he back away from our relationship - that he just isn't ready and should be dating casually. He told him to date a few girls - nothing serious, just a cup of coffee or a movie or something with each of them. He talked about all the intersections in life and how we just jumped THROUGH ours by rushing into everything the way we did.

 

He wants us to work on our friendship. But how can I do that?

 

X says it may not be over for us, but for right now I shouldn't make him the center of my universe. Should I stay friends with him?

[sweetadeline]

Hi Mollyanna,

 

I've been reading the posts to this thread for a little while, but haven't felt comfortable adding my opinion. But after reading your post today, I wanted to respond.

 

I don't think anyone but you can decide whether or not you are comfortable staying friends with X. I'm sure that decision will be a difficult one. But if it makes things any easier, don't forget that you can define "friend" in any way that feels right for you--and that you can reserve the right to change that definition down the road. So you might decide that you need to avoid contact for a month or two, but that you can resume contact with him after that. Or maybe you can only handle very limited contact (like, only over e-mail, and only once every few weeks) until further notice. I'm sure you already know that you need to do what is best for you (whatever that is!).

 

My situation is somewhat similar to yours, and I would appreciate any feedback that you (or anyone) can give. A week ago, my significant other of three months suddenly told me that he needed some time alone. He raised some issues that had come up before, but since he had also told me that he was thinking of me for the long term, I didn't think that he was ready to end the relationship over those issues--at least not without giving us some more time to work on them. But he says that he feels that we're already creating some of the same dynamics that came up in his ten-year relationship with his ex (which ended three years ago). To make a long story short, when he asked for time alone last week, he said that he would contact me about getting together to do something today. But I haven't heard from him at all. No phonecalls, no e-mails, nothing.

 

I don't know whether he just needs more time or whether he has decided to break things off and doesn't know how to tell me. Any thoughts on this, or on any of the other points in my post, would be really helpful.

[Mollyanna]

Sweetadeline:

 

I would say not to jump to conclusions. Wait out the week. Keep yourself VERY busy so you don't think about it as much as drive yourself crazy. (i am talking from experience. I HATE waiting...) That is what I am doing. I have found a few projects to work on so I can keep my mind busy and not sit and watch the clock and wonder if he will call.

 

They say they need time - so we should take that exactly as they said for now. Give them their time. Maybe we need time too - to figure out what all this means for us. I know I do.

[sweetadeline]

Mollyanna:

 

Thanks for your thoughts (and happy Easter). I am trying my best to keep busy, but it is hard to concentrate on what I need to be doing. I just keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently over the last three months, why he didn't get in touch yesterday when he specifically said he would, whether I should write him a letter, whether he is looking for others to date, etc., etc., etc. . . .

 

The worst part of getting your heart broken is how boring, self-absorbed, and repetitive it makes you!

 

Anyway, I was really impressed by the part of your post in which you said that you were trying to figure out what all of this means for you. Is it okay to ask what sort of questions you are putting to yourself to try to figure that out? And how do you manage to straddle the line between finding meaning in what happened and blaming yourself for it: (Anyone else who's been through this and wants to respond, feel free. . . .) I think I'm just so reactive and miserable right now that I can't even frame useful questions, let alone find meaningful answers.

 

Thanks again.

 

sweetadeline

[Mollyanna]

sweetadeline:

 

I go through periods of time where I completely blame myself. I went through most of it the first time we broke up though. Now, I am telling myself to accept it and trying to make myself believe that it is for the best. For example, I remind myself of all the stuff I want in life and what he could and could not deliver. The fact that he already has 3 children and did not want more - bothered me at the beginning of the relationship because I do not have any children of my own. But as I grew to love him, I buried that want and told myself as long as I had him, I would be happy without children - besides I adore his 3 kids!

 

I also tell myself that I want someone who will chase after me and love me and not give up when things got rough (like he has done). I look at him for who he really is and while I still love him, there are things he couldn't give me and I can't expect to change him. So that means there is someone else out there for me hopefully who can meet my needs.

 

As you are doing, I still wonder how I could have done things differently - but mostly it all comes down to the fact that I am insecure. He has always told me how attracted he is to me - even now - but I still say to myself "oh why would he want ME - look at all the beautiful women out there he could have!" So, now instead of whining around because of my few extra pounds or my slightly crooked smile, or whatever else I find that day I don't like - I am doing something about that - AND my insecurity.

 

I am working out, watching what I eat, and I plan next week to start going to a therapist. I am also taking this time to take a class online - a difficult one - so I can keep my mind busy.

 

I don't really want to run through all the questions I asked myself because it was bad for me. But like I said - I found a common theme - I was beating myself up. Don't do that to yourself sweetadeline. Look for the trend in your questions. Find anything that you feel insecure about and do what you can to fix it. Having a goal is redirecting my energy.

 

And be miserable for a few days - I went through 2 weeks of it, but when I was at my lowest - suddenly I got motivated to not let a guy take my life from me any longer.

[Geoffrey]

i still havnt responded to that 2nd text message.....am i doing the right thing?...been over a month since i last text her.....I do want to text her back....i would probably say something simple like this "Im ok, How are you"

 

Hi MarKus,

 

I'm sure it would be OK if you texted her back....hmmmm....maybe you could throw a monkey wrench (or a spanner, as they say in the UK!) into it....here are some suggestions about what you could say...

 

"You don't want to know!"

 

"Insufficient memory at this time"

 

"Never been better!"

 

"I'm so happy I can't stand it"

 

Get the picture? Be clever, creative.....make yourself giggle when you respond.....and be content to make her WONDER what is up with you! I think in your situation, it would break the tension....humour is very good for that....think of something funny to write back.

[MarKus]

Hi geoffrey,

 

yeah i thought about doing that.....but i still aint responded.

 

It just so happens that i finally got my first car on the road yesterday (YAY!)

I was driving towards the zebra crossing and i had to give way to pedestrians.....guessed who walked by??....she crossed over with her friend and didnt see me.....so i tooted my horn up to her.....and she waved and smiled and i kept on driving....so i reckon that made her think...cos i didnt tell her i bought a car.

[Geoffrey]

At least you didn't run her over!

[MarKus]

hehe i would have ran over that bitch of a friend of hers....and she was closest to the car!

[Mollyanna]

hey - you boys play nice!

[Dixiecron]

Gee Markus,

 

And here I was going to suggest that you should have run her over. Or at least just revved the engine like that was what you were going to do.

 

That first car is always great. So what did you get? If its big enough you could run over both of them at the same time the next chance you get

 

BTW, You don't need to text her back. That spanner that Geoffrey mentioned was you driving by in your new car. Some things can't be planned or thought out any better than that.

[Geoffrey]

Dixiecron,

 

Well said. That indeed was the spanner! I stand corrected.

 

MarKus, you are doing everything right here. Keep up the good work!

[Smalls]

like i have posted, i am pregnant and he messed up bad. didnt cheat but might as well have. i think that there is a baby involved now so i cant just leave. but i think that i can stay away for a while while he proves to me that he wants to be a family and not a pimp. no men should have the cake and eat it. this baby is my life and if i have to stop my life and partying for this child i will and so should he. it took two of us. he doesnt have the physical aspect so he should at least be respectful. i thinkevery situation is different are we are no one to tell you what to feel and what you should do. i have seen seperations help because once its gone you notice what happened. my ex and i decided to try it cause we were fighting constantly then got back together 3 months later. it worked for a while and was awesome until i couldnt handle his ex wife any more! EEK! it all depends hun!

[reggio]

Get your priorities straight.

 

Don't drag down the innocent!

[ger_in_love]

hi is it wise to say to ur ex

 

" ok u need space does that mean we are finished kaput end of story, or does it mean u just want time out and we may/will get back together, i need a truthfull answer now "

 

or is it best to keep shut mouth and go along with her or put a time frame in your mind of one month then ur gone forever

[Mollyanna]

ger_in_love:

All I know is if they ask for their space, you better give it to them or things will get worse between you. I didn't give X the space he needed and the other day he finally admitted to me that I was pushing and he was getting angry.

 

It has only been a few days since I last talked to him and I am going nuts not talking to him since we have never been away from each other this long. (haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks now). But I know if I call - then I am just pushing. Besides I need to know if he will come back on his own free will. So I am waiting for the call from him first. It is a matter of willpower now.

[BlueHeavens]

I've read through most of the stories on this board and I feel a sad sort of kindred spirit with many of you.

 

I ran into a guy I went to high school with last summer, and we hit it off like mad. I was having a stressful time, with both of my parents being sick, and he was nothing but supportive and funny. I found him via a personal ad on the internet, so I thought he was seeking a relationship at the time. However...apparently he was not over this girl he had dated before, who had apparently dumped him about 6 months before after a 1.5 year relationship, and I did not know about this right away.

 

So...I am a kind, caring, and nurturing person (a health care professional by day) and I am probably more patient than most when someone needs help. A couple of months after we started dating, he came over to my house, crying, stating that his ex wanted him back (this, after he and his family helped her move to a distant town so she could move in with some other guy). I was shocked...I told him that since we had just hung out with some of their mutual friends in the last week, she had probably heard about me, and was just yanking his chain. (They had maintained some kind of warped friendship after the breakup). So he thought..well...maybe that's it...and the roller coaster began.

 

This girl apparently currently has a lot of problems and has had a lot in the past. He seemed to enjoy being her saviour or something. He loaned her lots of $$ (I mean thousands of $$) and when I pointed out that it must have been a gift since he has yet to see a cent of it back, he got angry. She can do no wrong in his mind although honestly I have tried to see any sort of redeeming quality in her. So...honestly, I tried.... I did tell him that he should probably seek therapy because clearly he was still not right about this issue. He went to one or two sessions, got laid off, and never went back. He told me that he completely lost himself in the past relationship and he was afraid of that happening again. I told him that I totally respect people's needs to do their own thing, and I would never get in the way of him spending time with friends, doing sports, or whatever else he needed. And I truly don't think I did. He invited me along to lots of stuff, soccer games, etc, and I sometimes went, and sometimes spent time w/ my own friends.

 

He got right back into things and they were really good for quite a while. He was funny, attentive, smart, great to talk to, a wonderful friend...all aspects of the relationship were going just great in my opinion. He took me to meet his family--a bunch of really nice people--and I took him to re-meet mine (they had met 15 years ago when we were in high school). We had fun. It was comfortable, pleasant, supportive...it felt so right to me. I had some health problems and he took care of me while I was having tests, recovering, etc. We spent thanksgiving and Xmas with his family (I managed to get him to come to my folks for a few hours on Christmas) and had a great time. (I should mention that several of his relatives told me how much they liked me...)

 

So...fast forward to my B-day in late Jan and then the commercial holiday from Hades, Valentine's day. He did absolutely nothing for me to make me feel special or like he cared on either occasion. I tried not to get upset because I am not a materialistic person-I can buy whatever I might want or need for myself. I don't need a fancy present as a declaration of some sort of feeling. I've had some in the past that were meant to be that...and weren't. So I was upset but not horrified. I think people should treat each other in a loving and caring way every day, not just on a holiday. The problem was, he seemed to be sort of checking out. I'd love to have someone just say, gosh you look nice today...or these cookies you made for me are great! (not...they're a little dry...and NO ONE has ever complained about my baking before. No one!) But he could mention how hot some actress was on TV. Then he wanted me to talk to his ex about some pharmaceutical problems she was having...which I politely refused to do.

 

So now...about a month ago, he quit calling and emailing me. I called him about 3 weeks ago and said, what gives? He said, "I need space. I don't know why I don't love you. You're perfect, amazing, everything any guy could want. My heart and my head don't match". He also says he thinks he should "just know" when he is with the right person. He feels "numb" and "lost". I tried to be patient about it, but honestly I felt like I had already been patient for a while. I told him, "this is your choice, your decision. You are the one who must hang up the phone now, and you probably should be the one to pick it up when you're ready to talk". After a halting conversation and several really amazingly long pauses (in which he kept saying "I'm sorry"), I realized he was not going to end the call, which was killing me, so I said, I guess I will have to hang up, just like I had to call and find out what was going on. Goodbye". We were both crying. He did mention in the course of this conversation that he wanted to come over and talk to me about it "soon" and give me the chance to "kick him out" of my house. I told him I couldn't imagine what he could say that would make me kick him out, that I like to try to be rational and supportive...not like he bothered to even make that effort.

 

A week and a half later, I called because the "not knowing" was killing me. So of course, not face to face, he says, "I think we should just be friends. But not right now. I couldn't bear to be in the same room with you. I'd be too tempted." I said, doesn't that tell you something? And he said, he feels numb inside. He told me that this "time of introspection" has been spent slumped on his couch relieved not to have to do anything, and going to his Mom's to have her take care of him (but oohh I guess she is upset with him about this!) So he said, IM me when you see me online...blah blah...and we had a short chat in which he told me he missed me so much, but couldn't see me, and couldn't explain it, and insisted there was no one else (I asked about his damn ex). I feel like he thinks he doesn't deserve to be "comfortable" (what he called us). I told him I thought he liked the drama and pain of his past relationship much more than the peace and support of this one...and he said, "no, that can't be. That's sick!" I guess it's good he knows it's "sick" but I think it's the way he's feeling.

 

So now. Ok. I am trying to take good care of myself, eat right, exercise, sleep enough. I miss him so much. I have lots of other friends but due to their work schedules and Easter they've been mostly unavailable. I will not call him again. I figure this is over. I figure I was rebound girl. I want to know...how do I get through this? Other than be sad for months? I don't want to do that. I am not normally a sad person. This heartbreak thing is killing me. I feel totally betrayed. Thank God it is spring. Signs of life are all around. I am heartened by that. But...still so sad. My mom emailed me an article about people who are committmentphobes and I am wondering if he is one of those people. Or if any kind of "label" will help.

 

Thanks for listening. I'll be posting on some of your quandries when I'm feeling less jaded. I don't want to condemn the whole world for the behavior of one person.

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

Hmmm... sounds like a familiar situation to me: In a nutshell, I would say keep your contact with him light if you can handle that (or else cut if off with him), but if you happen to meet anyone else you would like you date in the meantime, go ahead and do it. Or just don't date at all, do the no-contact thing, and get over him.

 

Here are some random thoughts, in no particular order:

 

The guy isn't necessarily a commitmentphobe, maybe he just hasn't gotten his heart back together from the last relationship. From what you say he sounds more confused than anything, not a bad guy or a selfish guy, etc. just doesn't have his heart in the right place to really give it away again. Sounds like he's a giver, and he got royally screwed by a taker. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doubting himself right now over whether he should ever try to give to anyone again. Sounds to me like he's gun shy, and there's nothing anyone can do about that but him.

 

His getting laid off is screwing his head up too. Do not underestimate this factor. For a guy it is like: how can I go out with someone I really like if I can't even afford to take her out for a nice evening? Sounds shallow, but far too many guys have been conditioned to think this way by psychos like his ex, and the dating scene in general.

 

Just decide for yourself if you can wait or not. You don't need to give him any ultimatums, just set a deadline for yourself and stick to it. If you want to wait, there's nothing left to do but wait. If you can't wait around for him, then start brushing up on your no-contact policy.

[Mollyanna]

blueheavens:

 

OMG: as if I weren't already emotional enough this evening. (I just got done watching the Sean Penn movie "I am Sam" and don't ask me what an autistic man fighting for his child has to do with my relationship problems, but i have been crying for an hour.) Then I come online and see your story and cry all over again.

 

Yes, Valentine's Day is exactly where I felt X "checking out" too. He did nothing for me though I did tons for him. He blamed it on the commercialism of the holiday and said he NEVER has done anything for it. Yes, as you were, I was upset but not distraught. Then on the 18th - he broke up with me. On the 21st, we started back into it again until by the middle of March we were calling ourselves "dating". (never went more than a few days not together)

 

Your story is soooo much like mine that I am amazed. X also tells me how wonderful I am and he doesn't understand why he doesn't love me - but he just doesn't. He blames it on the fact that he is not over his ex yet sometimes. Other times he wonders if the chemistry is not there. But just like your ex said - the temptation is too great. We demonstrated that concept quite frequently. So how can he blame chemistry???

 

So now we even put our friendship on hold too - so we can let the emotions and sexual tension cool.

 

As for advice to you, I can't say that all my days are great. Tonight has been especially hard - but this board is just where I go when I feel the overwhelming need to call him. And crying isn't so bad either if you don't let it get out of hand. and if you find something else to obsess over instead of him - that makes it easier too. My current obsession is water. For the past 3 days I have had 12 glasses of water a day! I feel like a big huge potbellied hybrid camel-pig, but it is something I am making myself do to help me lose this extra 15 pounds.

 

Nights are the worst. Just hang in there. Here is praying that both of our men (who both sound terrific - just confused) come back 10X stronger than ever and realize never to do this to us again.

[MarKus]

Geoff,

 

Thanks for the advice mate....you think im doing the right thing

 

 

Dixiecron,

 

Yeah i think thats the spanner in the works....so i'll try not to text back.

Oh btw i got a ford fiesta 1.1....10 year old car.....not much...but its cheap to run....and gets me from A to B

[Dixiecron]

OK Markus,

 

With the Fiesta you're going to have to run over them one at a time, and then put it in reverse and back over each one just to make sure My first car was an MX-5, so I know all about driving the smallest thing with 4 wheels. Heh.

 

Keep hanging in, you're doing fine.

[BlueHeavens]

Dixiecron and Mollyanna~

 

I should have mentioned that he has been employed since January...actually since like November, but a "permanent" job since January. I know that being laid off affected his attitude about things. When I mentioned that in a supportive way, he got very defensive.(ding! ding! ding! I'm on the right track then!)

 

For me, I think one of the worst aspects is that you're right, he is a very decent, good quality person, and I really can't be mad at him (even though I think it might help me feel better) because I think you're exactly right--he was royally screwed by a taker. He's mentioned to me many times that he's a giver, and I'm sure in some ways he is. Maybe he's frustrated because I am fairly low maintenance (read-self sufficient); I'll only ask for help when I really need it (because I'm a giver, too).

 

I do wish he'd just take a few minutes to think about why this is happening but I can't shake the feeling that he's really comfy on his couch, thinking about nothing at all. And maybe that's just what he needs to do right now.

 

He mentioned that he feels like he has a "wall" that he can't break through emotionally. I told him I thought that he was the only person in the world who can --no "special person" can...and that I think he has to just choose to do it. He said he doesn't feel that it's a choice, that's just "the way it is". I told him I thought that sounded like sad way to live...

 

He does seem generally depressed to me (sort of careless about things like bills, house and car maintenance, etc.) and I truly think a good psychiatrist, or even a good friend who would be willing to talk to him about this might make a big difference. But I guess he wore out his welcome talking about his ex with everyone (even me!!!) so....who knows who will listen.

 

Such a sad thing. I really believe we could be happy. I suspect he is too burned from past stuff to really give me a shot. I don't want to hear him say I'm sorry again. I want him to just appreciate me. I don't want him to realize way down the road what a good thing he had...but I know that I don't usually get what I want! :-)