"needing Time And Space"

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

Some more random thoughts:

 

Your guy sounds a lot like a previous version of myself, and you sound a lot like my ex in that she could see into my head pretty easily (though she is definitely more of the high maintenance manipulative selfish bitch type, so the analogy isn't completely spot on, duh, and my views may be colored by my own past).

 

I will give my ex credit in that she was able to get me to be better at recieving things; compliments, dinner, little gifts around the house, etc. I'm wondering if maybe part of the problem is that you guys are both so used to doing all the work in a relationship you don't know what to do when there's nothing obvious to do? No one is whining "I want this, I want that", so you think "How can it be this easy?". How exactly do two self-sufficient independent people demonstrate love and support for each other? I have this theory that it is -difficult- for two givers to hook up in a relationship, but when it happens those are some of the best ones out there.

 

But the big thing is that my ex, by her nature, -kicked- down my wall and opened me up (though of course I had to choose to respond by opening up, instead of pulling back further). I'm not suggesting you do the same, but consider it food for thought. Your mileage may vary.

 

Maybe for now you just keep a little distance, maybe go out for coffee every 2-3 weeks and just talk about whatever, no pressure? This is all assuming he's not seeing other people, in which case my advice would be quite different. A few very nice young ladies are drawing me out from my self imposed "no dating period" this way right now, and I love them for it. And I'm starting to get that trust thing back again... I don't know how exactly you might go about doing this, but maybe there is some way you can let him know that it is OK to talk about whatever he is feeling, and let him know in a way that makes him feel like he would be a real man for doing so? If that makes sense.

[BlueHeavens]

Dixiecron...

 

Thanks for your random thoughts. I really do appreciate them...and they don't seem that random. In terms of your ex helping you learn how to receive, I think that's great. I had some mixed results with that. Any time I would complement him he would brush it off. I was almost weirded out by that...if I say I think you're cute, I do. It's true! I might even think you're adorable! And he'd just squirm. I couldn't figure that out. He is a nice looking guy. He's no Brad Pitt...but then, really, what does Brad look like without designer duds, his stylist, makeup, and appropriate lighting? He did accept gifts comfortably, even in times where I felt maybe he should have been a smidge uncomfy-like when I got him the box set DVD of his favorite silly comedy thing (have you heard of The Thumbs?) on Valentine's day, and he got me...um...what was that? Oh, zip. But forget complementing him on anything.

 

Before all this started to come down/apart, it felt really easy and comfy to me. I love doing little things for my friends and family. Making some cookies, having your fave soft drink in my fridge...nothing outlandish...maybe a funny sketch for you (I draw in my "spare time")...just something thoughtful. He said all he felt was comfortable. I think maybe he craved the angst to "feel alive". I don't know. Just a theory. But I think it should be easy to be together...comfy. simple to just be myself. Because who else would I want to be?

 

For now, I am thinking even coffee every 2-3 weeks might be too much (I am not really sure he genuinely meant that he "wants to be friends", you know?). I sort of feel that he should open the lines of communication. I know exactly what you mean about how sharing your true thoughts is probably the most "real man"-like activity I can think of...but considering he couldn't even gather up the courage to dump me in person, I think that might be far off. And sure, if I have the strength to do that, it would probably be GREAT for him...to talk about all his feelings, whatever they may be. But I sort of feel like this whole thing right now is totally according to his comfort level...his needs...mine have been completely trashed. I know that might sound selfish. Maybe it is. I definitely think he needs to talk to someone about that stuff. But I don't want him to let me back in then kick me out again when he starts getting close to the tender, painful stuff, and I prod it so he can get it out. I could be entirely wrong. I just don't know. Maybe in a few weeks if I feel strong enough in myself I will try and see.

 

I have a good friend (male, married, 5 kids) at the gym where I work out, and he said he doesnt' think I should take him back even if he comes back because he thinks I deserve someone who really cares, and appreciates me. He felt like my ex was too busy being sort of blah or indecisive about everything (like he'd rather have life make decisions for him than he make them for himself, which I think is scary) and I need someone more engaged in life. I told my friend I constantly felt like my ex was on the cusp of breaking through to being amazing...and he said, "he might be a great guy, just not a great boyfriend. That breakthrough might happen next week, or never." So that made me think, too...it's just really sad and disappointing...

 

On the flipside...how long has your self imposed dating ban been in effect, and how are these young ladies luring you out of it? :-)

[pinklove]

Please hear me out u guys

 

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, but I do have reasons and it's not so much as me needing space. Okay here goes 1.) The fact that he chats with married women online, when he told me about it, got all defensive about it. 2.) We were barely talking after the arguement we had about his chatting with married women. 3.) He had stopped calling, well, was barely calling. Now this week he seems to want to call more than necessary. 4.) He seems so distant now, like his mind be elsewhere instead of on me and working our problems out. Okay let me say I don't make the situation better, instead of talking sensible to him, I blow all up and we both end up arguing, then the situation gets out of hand and we end up not getting our problems solved. I don't trust him now and I did admit that to him, and I feel that you shouldn't be in a relationship with a person if you don't trust them. I was always taught that no trust, no love. I do love him desperately and I know he feels the same way about me, but I just came out of a horrible relationship (the only good thing that came from it is my one year old baby) I wasn't ready to get into a relationship so soon

 

but did, because he was pressuring me and plus I wanted to try this out as well. I am speaking from my point of view. Some people do need space to clear their heads and get their acts together to decide what they really want from the relationship. Especially if you never took time to be friends first before jumping into the relationship, like I did. You have to think about the situations at hand, especially if you want to live with that person, I mean you have to accept that the both of you are different, and will never have the same views on everything. I mean what works for them may not work for you. So that's why it's important to compromise and talk, talk talk!!! To see how the both of you are feeling. I mean don't do like I did, when he did explain to me about the married woman he chatted with as a friend so he say, instead of talking sensibly, I blew up at him, and I think that's what made the relationship lackluster. But, sometimes I don't know what makes a person decide they need space. But, it's good sometimes, especially in my situation. It's killing me inside, but I know it's the best thing right now.

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

I think your friend at the gym is right, your ex's breakthrough may be next week, may be never. That's why I say to play things cool and date other people if that happens to come along and you're in the right frame of mind to do so. You are correct that he is the one who needs to open the communication lines. That's why you may need to do no contact for a while to see if he really meant the "friends" part. That probably won't happen until he hits some sort of bottom emotionally and decides to get off his ass and step up to the plate in life, since it doesn't sound like he is the sort that is used to spending a lot of time digging around in his own little corners of the mind, soul, etc...hence the shutdown. In another thread in the past, I said that every guy goes through a "relationship Vietnam" before finding someone to stick with. In keeping with that metaphor, your guy still has the post traumatic stress thing going on. You're in one of the real grey areas, where there is no clear cut reason to stick it out (like him being away to help family for a few months) and no obvious reason to walk and cut him out of your life (like cheating, saying you should see other people, etc.). The only thing you can really do right now is whatever you feel you need to do to protect your own heart. That is not selfish, that's just being smart.

 

Anyways, to answer your question:

 

My (serious dating, when might we spend the night together) dating ban has been in effect from the beginning of October 2003 (when my last relationship ended) until the beginning of May 2004. I'm finishing my degree this spring and don't have the time or energy to try to impress anyone right now. In more ways than one its a way to completely close an old chapter in my life since I went back to school for the spring semester after 8 years away from college and paid my tuition and old school loans off with the money I was going to use to buy an engagement ring.

 

Of course, when you're not looking and not ready, that's when the good ones seem to show up and try to lure a guy out of his cave! Simply put, I've gone on some casual dates and after talking, these women have been completely cool with taking things slow and just doing the occasional daytime get together no pressure, no commitment date. Very shocking to me to have someone understand, treat me with respect and still want to spend time with me, considering that with my ex it was, in the end, all "me! me! me!". I learned a hard lesson from the ex about getting used and made it clear to both women that they would not be a rebound like I was, so if they want it now they need to look somewhere else while I'm busy healing.

 

When I get my degree, both of them are going to get a very nice dinner and night out on the town. A real date and a fresh start to see if either one likes me to date as more than "just friends". Then again with my luck both of them will want to see me for real and I'll have a whole new problem to deal with Of course with me, now that I don't squirm when someone says I'm good looking, the first one of them to tell me I'm cute is going to get dragged into my cave and get some Dixie lovin'... wait, did I just say that?

[MarKus]

Originally posted by Dixiecron

 

With the Fiesta you're going to have to run over them one at a time, and then put it in reverse and back over each one just to make sure .

 

Keep hanging in, you're doing fine.

 

 

Yeah i like to do that when i play grand theft auto at my mates house....kill the pedestrians!

 

Anyway i was sat down at the bus station in town today (i was waiting for someone)....and i saw my gf/ex again....she was with her workfriend (again) and it looks as though they had just finished work cos they were wearing work clothes (they work looking after children in a day nursery).

 

They were in a bus shelter opposite me....which faces the opposite way so they would have had there backs to me....so anyway they walked towards it....she saw me. stopped and looked in my direction and as i looked up she waved and smiled at me....so i just smiled back.

 

Her friend kept glancing over at me while they were talking cos i was nearby... sam did once but i reckon she cant seem to face me....even though i couldnt hear what they were talking about anyway....then they started to joke amongst themselfs.

 

One of my old mates from college saw her 2 weeks ago....sam was getting her tongue pierced....i had already told him what had happened between us....(he went out with one of sams best friends while me and sam first started going out)....He said "hello" to her....and she just basically said "hi" and went bright red....cos i reckon she probably knew i told him.

 

Anyway i was just thinking to myself the whole time.....shall i go over to say hi?....do i go over and speak to her?...if she was by herself then mabye i would have.....but i didnt go over, i just stayed where i was....was that the right thing to do?

[Dixiecron]

Markus,

 

I have to admit that GTA3 is one of my occasional secret indulgences I prefer to steal cop cars though and go on a police killing spree. I was raised to question authority...

 

Regarding the bus shelter, I think you did the right thing.

[BlueHeavens]

Dixiecron~

 

Relationship Vietnam...an interesting analogy. I do think it will take some seriously bad thing happening to him (worse than him losing his job) to jolt him "awake". I think something like that happened to me several years ago. I was in a really bad car accident when a truck ran a red light, and found out that I took lots of things for granted that I had never considered. I think that made me appreciate so many more things...and people...and I hope to always be mindful in that way. It gave me a solid lesson on what real friendship is about, how much family can support you (and also drive you nuts) when you're an adult, how to define yourself without your career (it was a very long time before I could stand long enough to work 8 hours on my feet...almost a year). I would not wish that experience on anyone but I do try to look for the bright side in everything, and the one from that experience is that I finally slowed down and got to know myself. The back pain I'll always have as a result is a great reminder to be mindful...and grateful.

 

Soo cool that you went back to school and are finishing your degree! Good for you! Way to make a positive situation from a sad one! What degree are you earning? Any job changes lined up? So exciting!

 

I thought your comment about the relationship being all "me me me" at the end was so telling. It's never like that at the beginning. I want to know why I get lulled into accepting things like that so all of a sudden it's all about them? I'm a smart girl but I don't get it.

 

Dixie lovin'...I say go for it! I do admit...I want to know why guys squirm when you tell them they're cute. I don't get that either.

 

It's totally gorgeous out here so I am gonna go for a stroll...to keep my spirits up!

[MarKus]

Originally posted by Dixiecron

 

Regarding the bus shelter, I think you did the right thing.

 

 

Hey Dixiecron.

 

When i play gta i just go to the gun store and just blow things up and kill......makes me laugh.

 

 

Anyway listen to this..........

 

like i said i didnt go over and talk to her.

 

But tonight at 9 o'clock while i was out i get a call on my mobile from a private number.....so that person who called didnt want me to know what number they were using.....so i answered "hello" and then they hang up on me.....so i was guessing that is was sam......then 10 minutes later i get a text from sam (gf/ex) saying.

 

"Alright, hows you? U finally got a car then? Im buying mum's later in the year.

You been up to much? I saw your mates the other day. How is molly your dog doing without gemma? Text Back x

 

(Btw gemma is my dog that died the other month)

 

 

God dammit.....why she doing this?....i havnt text her in 6 weeks....even though i do want to....i do still love her to bits after being together 3 years, she was obsessvly in love me i know she was....its probably bugged her cos i havnt text her.

 

 

do i continue doing what im doing?....i dont think that shes the type to play games....but she has been around this friend who is 3 years younger than her....so she could be influencing her mabye.

can u help

[Dixiecron]

Markus, here's my take for what its worth:

 

That sounds like -classic- young woman games to me. She doesn't even have the guts to try to contact you for real, instead she uses dumb little tricks. Don't respond, you just get dragged down to her level. The only kind of communication that warrants a response is a serious request to talk or a serious request to reconcile. If she misses you so much how come she didn't come talk to you at the bus stop?

 

Just stand up and tell yourself that you've got too many things that you need to do for yourself for the future to waste time with people who are going to mess around. You're a young -man- not a little boy toy that comes complete with text phone accessories.

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

While those "jolts" often come in the form of death, or the proximity of it, I think a lot of things can do that, depending on the person. I've had numerous jolts (two of them sent me to the hospital for knee surgery, the other two should have killed me), but the time that I actually really felt that I had "woken up" was a few years ago when I got laid off (my third time) and didn't even care. Just went out and got another job so quickly that my severence pay ended up being an annual bonus. I knew right then that I was ready for a real relationship, marriage, etc. Guess who showed up? Then I had my own miserable little relationship mess. Oh well.

 

My degree is going to be in Aerospace Engineering, but no immediate job change since I make enough now that I'm never going into a new field unless it is something I would be doing in my spare time. So, I'm actually comtemplating saving up for 2-3 years and then if the timing works out right I get laid off again so I can collect unemployment while going to school to study classical French cooking. Then start a personal chef business since a lot of people in my town have more money than brains.

 

As for the part about getting lulled that doesn't mean you're stupid, I just think that some people get freaked out when they get comforable with the other. I've heard it said that that is when the real relationship starts, and a lot of times this is when someone bails. Simple as that. Lots of threads here have people talking about all sorts of BS reasons their ex used to break up because they just can't say "I'm freaking out and can't handle this depth of emotion". Its easy to overthink and analyze (hell, even my high school French teacher told me I think too much) but some things can be simply understood.

 

With regard to the "cute" thing, you are trying to probe the hidden secrets of men. The word cute, to a guy, means different things depending on your relationship (i.e. let's just be friends, dating, LTR). 'Handsome' or 'very good looking' is a less dangerous term, unless you are already in an intimate relationship and you are using the word 'cute' to refer to anything other than a guy's physical aspects.

[BlueHeavens]

MarKus,

 

I tend to agree with Dixiecron...generally, people calling and hanging up is really something best left to the 12 year olds of the world (though I have seen people nearly 40 years old doing this type of thing!) She is trying to cash in on your sensitivities, talking about your dog, (a sad thing right now, and my condolences) and your new car (a positive thing)...just anything to catch your attention. Probably the most fruitful thing would be like Dixiecron said... if she were to call/text/email and say, "MarKus, I want to talk about things between us". I think she should really want it enough to have the courage to say it to you, not to just try to engage you in some sort of fluffy conversation that's only going to hurt.

 

By the way, congrats on the new car. Did you ever think it would be so useful in ways other than transportation? ;-)

[BlueHeavens]

Dixiecron,

 

First, I want to say I'm glad you made it through your jolts. It's kind of funny...I've started to wonder if sometimes accidents are not so....accidental, you know? When my ex got laid off while we have been dating, he made very little effort to find another job. I was very concerned about this but didn't feel like it was my place to say anything about it. He waited months, and even "volunteered" with a previous co-worker to get his foot in the door in another place. Finally he was hired after 6 weeks of working for free...at a wage he wasn't happy with, with no benefits. Did I scratch my head? You bet! It seemed like he was settling...for something barely sufficient. He mentioned that he wasn't happy about it but "that's just the way it is" in his field right now (computer programming). He did get offered a job then about 2 months later with another friend's company and he seemed much happier. That's when he decided that he needed some space. In a way, I think it's a good sign for him--maybe finally coming out of his funk, after having been laid off several times before, finally getting a good job...feeling just better enough to do something really stupid (like they say about Prozac...it's not the drug that makes you suicidal. It's the fact that you've been depressed, and not had any will to do anything about it. When you start on the Prozac, suddenly you have the will to do something about it....hence, some unpredicted outcomes).

 

Go on with your Aerospace Engineering! I'd assume that takes a good math brain. Cool! And how nice to work out your life so you have many options that make you happy. I think culinary school would be so cool. I am obsessed with the Food Network myself.

 

I suspect that he did freak out about being comfortable. In a way it's easy to be with someone that you're comfortable with...but it does still take consideration, etc. Incidentally, my friends and I are well aware that we are masters of over analysis. Not sure if it ever gets us anywhere but we continute to do it.

 

Trying to let this go...not an easy thing to do.

[MarKus]

BlueHeavens & Dixiecron

 

Thanks for the advice....and thanks for the condolances.....its funny you should say what you said....because back in january 2 weeks into the "break" sam got in contact with me to tell me that her dog had to be put to sleep (1 year old bullmastiff) cos it had a brain tumour.....so i rang her...and she cried and told me all about it....i said im here for you, if you ever want to talk.....and she asked me if i could print some photos of it....cos i had negatives and im a photographic student.....so i did

 

Anyway she has wanted to have a talk

Cos 6 weeks ago (the last time i replied to her)....she text me saying

"do u reckon we should meet up for a chat sometime?"

i replied yes i would....but i never got a responce back....so i just left it....so she probably changed her mind or whatever.

That was a couple days after i bumped into her parents....who i spoke to for a while.....they were very pleased to see me.

 

Like i said im not certain sure it was her that called yesterday.....but im betting it was.....i have had a couple of missed calles from private numbers back along.

Oh and i saw her again in town 2day though from a distance

 

If you want to read most of my story....its in this thread a few pages back.

 

 

Oh yeah the car is great!

and yes that thought did cross my mind! im going to take it down the coast next weekend....and drive it to college.....though its a bit of a tight squeeze in the back....she could always ride me in the front seat

[emma16]

Ok my ex boyfriend dumped me after eleven months of dating we were living together at the time he said I think we should break up. This was about forur weeks ago. He stated he need to be alone not sure what he wants and I know it was getting to the point where everyone was asking him if we were ging to get married. He started putting up walls after Christmas wanting to go out by himself and if I know him the way I do he started handing busness cards out and the first girl to take the bait he went for. I hhave been moving stuff out got the last of it two weeks ago and he told nme he was giong on a date and not to be mad hopefully this will help him figure things out. Well the girl he went with was an old frined from college and an easy role in the hay. I ahve a son who my ex is attached to it is not his father and this girl also has a child.

 

When he braks up with a girl he usually doesn't talk to them for awhile well he called me to bring my son over on Easter for and Easter basket so I did all he did was tell me not to talk with his friends anymore and stay away from his family. He said I should stop being a bitch about everything and I said I am trying not to but why can't I go out with his friends they became mutal friends. He also owes me money for furtinure we bought together.

 

He called last week nice message that he will have my money soon and if I needed anything else to call him the next day was my cousins birthday party who he works with I was sure he would not show up to my surprise he did I did not say hi why should I he dumped me all he did was glance across the bar at me a few times walked by a few times stood like two feet away to talk to my cousin he is stubborn and I am too. Who wants to swallow their pride to say hi first. Well the next day I get a message on my cell I have your money call me sunday afternoon you can pick it up. This call was not as nice as the prevous one which was i'll talk to you later just left it and hung up. I think he must feel I was a bitch for not saying hi to him but again why should I. NOw when I go pick my money up tomorrow is this when we can actually begin the no contact thing or am I just hopeless on the entire thing even if he is somehat seeing someone and why can't he just mail me the money??

 

Please give me some advice never did the no contact thing but I do know I love him and I don't need him I have been reading alot of books the past few months....b]

[Mollyanna]

Guys I haven't been doing so well the last few days so I am sorry I haven't responded to posts. I have tried to keep myself busy during the day - spring cleaning and all that - but at night I have been going out with friends. Yeah that sounds good, but all I end up is drunk and then going home feeling even more lonely and missing X. Even now I have a really hard time typing this. Fingers going on all the wrong keys. I don't get drunk a lot but lately it just seems to be a way to deal. oh i know that isn't healthy (damn this is taking forever to type correctly drunk with all the back spacing.)

 

anyway, yesterday I went to X's and threw softball for an hour and a half and then talked in his driveway for another half hour. God, I love this man. Even as uncomfortable as the situation should be, I forget it when I am with him. I have so much fun and have never smiled and laughed so much. He is an amazing man. God why doesn't he love me ?

 

Well I knew I needed to move on so I took this other guy I have kinda flirted with for a while to party with me last night. But he is not X. He just isn't. Do you think I am just disiullusioned by my love for X? Or maybe he is the one for me and no others will ever make up for what I have lost?

 

And how do I get over X when we still spend time together every week? I tell myself that yeah, maybe I shouldn't spend time with him, but I am SO HAPPY with him, how can I not hang out with him if he wants to also??? HOW DO YOU STAY FRIENDS WITH AN EX AND YET GET OVER THEM AT THE SAME TIME???? but i don't want to get over him anyway and he has never said he wants that to happen anyway. he just says he isn't ready for emotional attachment yet until he gets over his exwife and all that chaos.

[hbchick]

please help!

 

my boyfriend of two years wants a break and to go have fun with his friends. I know we need this but i cant be ok with it im just afraid he will get over me when having fun with his friends and not want to get back with me. i dont know what advice to take, some people say let him have his space and im afraid that will push us further apart. but im afriad if i keep calling him and asking to hang out or keep telling him i want him back it will push him further away. this process is driving me crazy i just want to be with him again. what do i do and how can i learn to be ok with this break, or even should i be ok with this break?

 

im so confused he has never acted like this before its like he changed. We were always so good with each other and were so open. We have way to much to just end. do you think this is just a phase hes going through and will realize how good we were together? please help i cant get this off my mind and im so confused.

[BlueHeavens]

Mollyanna~

 

Hey....I think spending time with someone else, not expecting him to be "the one" but just enjoying the company is a great idea. You're going through a lot of turmoil. It's nice to have a situation where you can go out and not have all the pressure of X. It might help to have some claritiy in the situation if you don't spend as much confusing time together. I guess that personally, not spending as much time with my X (like, none) has helped me realize that he really didn't appreciate me, and that makes it easier not to miss him as much. I hope this is somewhat helpful to you...I'm still in this cruddy place too and it's not fun.

[BlueHeavens]

Hbchick~

 

You say he never acted like this "before he changed"...what do you mean, what is different? Has he graduated, got a new job, started maybe hanging out with different people?

 

Also...generally I agree, when someone asks for space you should let them have it, because it may be a compromise to give them time to think before really hurting you by breaking up...or maybe a chance to miss you.

 

Hope things are going better now...

[Mollyanna]

BlueHeavens:

 

No it is not fun. A guy that I worked with died this weekend and I just found out yesterday. (this is the 3rd person I knew since Christmas that has died - all way too young to die.) I was pretty upset and wrote to X and told him about it. He called me and invited me over. He said it sounded like I needed to do some baking with him. So I went over there and we goofed around a lot. But around 11PM we picked out a recipe and then went to the store and bought all the stuff and some Buttershots and some beer. Next thing you know we are having our own party in his kitchen. Doing shots, laughing, joking around, playing drinking games, telling embarassing stories on ourselves. And FLIRTING - massively. You could tell we were both really restraining ourselves from doing more than that. Eventually we fell asleep together on the couch around 6AM this morning. It was amazing. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it. I LOVE HIM. I have never told him that. But I know now that I don't want to be without him.

 

So whatever it takes, I am going to do it. I just don't know what it takes! I wish there was a handbook for this!

[BlueHeavens]

Mollyanna,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your coworker's passing. I think it's always traumatic when someone dies...whether expected or not...but when it's someone young, it seems unnatural. I think that can kind of add a whole sense of urgency to your situation. I mean, you may be thinking, life is short, why not spend all this time with the person I care about? Or...life is short, why am I maybe wasting my time in an awkward situation which may or may not straighten out into one which is mutually beneficial? I guess I'm starting to realize that if someone cares about you, they will try not to put you into a situation that leaves you sad or confused. If they do so on a regular basis, that doesn't sound like the give and take of a healthy relationship, and it sounds a bit selfish. I'm glad he was there for you when you needed him, but since he is the one imposing space and boundaries, he should consider not sending you the mixed message of falling asleep with you...

[sweetadeline]

Mollyanna,

 

I've been away from this board for a while, but checked back in tonight and saw your recent posts. It's hard for me not to agree with BlueHeavens on this one. It's great that X was there for you after the horrible news of your co-worker's death, but it worries me that he seems to be the one in control of your interactions. (That is, he wants some contact with you, but only within certain parameters--which he alone gets to set.) Also, it sounds as if he's giving you what psychologists call inconsistent reinforcement--that is, sometimes a stimulus (in this case, X) gives you what you want, but sometimes it doesn't. Apparently that pattern--where a stimulus gives you a desired response, but does it inconsistently--is both incredibly habit-forming and incredibly difficult to break. I know how much you care for him (and believe me, I know how powerful that emotion is), but is it possible for you to take care of yourself in the ways that this situation requires and still see him regularly?

 

Now I have two questions for anyone reading this post. After 3 and 1/2 months, my whatever-he-was broke up with me three weeks ago saying that he needed some time alone. (He raised some issues that bothered him; I wanted to work on them, but he decided that he needed space instead.) He said that he would call me the following weekend to get together. We were both crying when we parted, so I really believed that I would hear from him. But the designated day came and went and I heard nothing from him. A few days later, he e-mailed me to say that he'd had some health issues that weekend and been really worried, but would still like to get together to talk if I was interested. I wrote back saying that I might be interested in talking depending on the goal of the conversation and telling him when I would be available (this past Saturday). Once again, that day came and went, and I heard nothing from him.

 

Question number one: Is he failing to contact me because he doesn't know how to tell me that it's over? Or is there a chance that he's still thinking/processing? (Is this the dumbest, most in-denial question ever?)

 

Question number two: A friend of mine suggested that I write him and tell him that I've realized he was right about some things (which I have) and mention specific ways in which I'd be willing to change if he wanted to try again. Is there any point in sending a message like that given his silence/withdrawal?

 

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading.

 

sweetadeline

[BlueHeavens]

Sweetadeline~

 

First, Bleah!!!! That is not a fun place to be! :-(

 

In regard to your first question...it's so hard to say. I've come to realize that most people are very chicken when it comes to rough waters in relationships. In some ways, many of us have been conditioned (as in your post) to sort of "take it easy" on people when they're breaking up...because the breakup-ee might appear to somehow "take it better"and not toss them out of a moving car. "Taking it easy" may appear to mean holding out some kind of hope for a future relationship of some kind. I think in some cases it is a sincere gesture, but I also think that some time needs to pass to give you the right healing before that can occur (IMO). So...he may or may not have meant that he wanted to talk more...but his email, though tardy, does make me think he might be interested in at least working through things in the future. It is a possibility that he is still thinking; also, if he is not feeling well, that may be taking precedence over everything else. In a way, I guess only time will tell, and that feels like pure torture, no?

 

I don't think it would hurt to compose a thoughtful email, since he has emailed you since the "break up". Do consider what you plan to include carefully...and remember that friends don't really want their friends to change much, unless their habits are in some way harmful. Tough as it is, he should appreciate you for who you are, just as you are. If he appreciates you for who you are when you are trying to be who he wants...who is it that he likes? I have this odd little thought that before this all came up, there might not have been much you felt like changing about yourself. I think even despite his relative silence, if you keep your email a bit short and to the point, and neutral in the sense that you're not criticizing either of you, you won't lose face or feel foolish even if you never hear from him again.

 

Hang in...I know it stinks...

[Mollyanna]

SweetAdeline:

 

I think you should go ahead and write it too. Just once. If he doesn't respond to it, then don't try it again. (i have fallen victim to that self-imposed game myself in the past and it just pushes them farther away. So even if they were thinking of coming back, they definitely don't when you come across as needy.)

 

That being said, I try really hard not to be too needy with X these days. You guys were both right. He does control the interaction in our relationship. But then again, I have the ability to do that myself. I always have the option to not answer the phone when he calls or talk on the phone for an hour and a half like we did tonight when he called. I can turn him down when he wants to get together. But why would I do that? I WANT to be with him. I don't want to push him away just for the sake of a game.

 

I have tried looking out for my best interests in that I now don't call him as much and I don't ask him to come over or ask to come over there. The last 2 times I have been with him have been because of his invitation to me. He does send conflicting messages - but I truly think he doesn't mean to. He has emotions to work through and get over his ex-wife and all the trauma the divorce caused him. He never promises we will be together - but he does make comments about the future that make ME believe I will be a part of his life. He talks about situations like meeting my parents or my brother, or about going to my hometown or about what I will think of his father when he comes back to the US next year. (Military) But he never promises these situations will happen - they are just assumed and come about in the midst of a story or joking around.

 

I think my biggest problem these days is that I don't think I will ever find anyone else like him - I never have come anywhere close before. Maybe that is why this hurts as much as it does. It is like having a million dollars in your hand and just letting it fall into the street. There is the chance I could recover it, but not all of it, and not all at once. And I am impatient - afraid someone else will come along and take it. And I REALLY need it.

[BlueHeavens]

Hey Molly~

 

How are things going? I hope you are doing better....how are things going? Keeping your head above water?

[Mollyanna]

Hi BlueHeavens! How are you?

 

I have spent 3 days with X this week. I am not sure what is going on and I promised myself I wouldn't talk it to death like I have done with him in the past. In the back of my mind though I can't help but think maybe this is just a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement now. I mean, I know he isn't ready for anything serious. So what am I doing??? I am waiting for him - something I promised myself I would never do again. I wasted 2 years of my life before on another guy.

 

The good news is - I leave on a business trip today and won't be back for 2 weeks. This will be the longest we have ever been apart since we met. And I bought a book for the plane ride called: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs". I think I should have written that book!

 

How are you doing?