"needing Time And Space"

[MESO]

the only thing i can say is dont expect anything from him...do what you gotta do....youll only be dissapointed when he does or doesn't react the way you thought he would

[azgirl]

I am already disappointed. I can't be more disappointed. I thought he was "the one," wanted to marry him someday - when we were both ready - and was willing to wait for him to get to that point. Now ... I don't know what to do. I want to cry, I want to scream at him (knowing full well that it won't do any good), I want to tell him to go to hell, and I never want to see him again. But I do. I, just like most people here, just want him back (or her for the men)

 

I feel like I am going to be alone forever and I never, ever, ever want to do this again. With anyone. I found the man of my dreams. We had such a great connection and I thought everything was going well between us. I got the "I just don't want to have any attachments" line! It such a crock of s*** that it almost makes me laugh.

 

The hard part is that I live with this guy. I have some financial issues standing in the way of getting right out of there, but I am tempted to pack my stuff, put it in storage, crash with a friend for a while and not say another word to him. Ever! Just leave a note to leave my mail with a friend of mine and not tell him anything about where I am going (unfortunately not far) or what I am doing. But another part of me wants to stick it out there until I find my own place because afterall, HE asked me to move in there and he should have to deal with some consequences of changing his mind and "making a mistake" (his words) I just moved in there 3 months ago!!!!!

[Mollyanna]

azgirl:

It is like you are reading my mind. you said so many of the things that are going on with me and X right now. I also toss between the "I never want to see him again" to the "I'll just call him one more time." I want so badly to apologize for how out of hand things got on Sunday, but then again he doesn't care about me anyway, so what is the point????

 

I also feel like I am going to be alone forever and NEVER EVER want to do this again...but then again I have been there before and stupidly fall into some other guys clutches. I have no problem meeting men, but for some reason I meet all the wrong ones!

 

I also thought X was the one... and now I feel like I don't know him at all....

[MESO]

"and now i feel like i dont know him at all"....

 

I think that is the worst part of it all...how could this be happening when every thing seemed to be ok???

It makes you feel like they were living some sort of double life or something...

 

And now we have no idea what they are truly thinking and what they truly want...when it seemed like and they told us that everything they ever wanted was us

 

argggg frustration

[azgirl]

Mollyanna:

I, too, felt that mine was "the One". I used to thank the gods each and every day for giving him to me. I used to pray not to have him taken from me and I felt that his presence in my life was the greatest gift I have ever been given. I used to lie next to him at night and think of him as my husband. (knowing - or thinking that I knew - that one day when he and I were ready - he would be) And I even knew every word that I would say to him when I stood across from him at the altar.

 

How do you go on when you have this kind of loss?? I mean, I have had plenty of other relationships and therefore break ups, but when you truly feel that you will never find what you had again and never feel this way again, how do you do it???? How do you get out of bed every day?

 

Meso: I, too, thought everything was fine. Had NO idea that this was coming. We had a couple of fights, but big deal - I thought we were fine. He told me he loved me two weeks ago!! Now he tells me he doesn't anymore and that he just wants "to be by himself" and my ABSOLUTE favorite - he needs to "find himself." Let me just say that whoever first uttered that phrase, that load of f***ing horses****, should be shot! What is there to find? And where exactly do you think "your self" is that you need to go and "find" it?? I don't believe in "finding yourself." I believe you develop your "self" over time, through experience. And I have been in relationships throughout my early twenties (as he is now) and that didn't stand in the way of me developing myself. What the F???

 

He tells me that he needs to "focus on his life right now." As if he EVER focused on me and mine! He is being a selfish bastard (he admits it, too) and it's killing me! I NEVER thought he would be so cold!!!!!!!

[sally1530]

dated for 10 months, engaged for 5 month, lived together for 2 months, he was on the internet emailing girls on lavalife for intimate encounters and exchanging photos via email and flirting online and had a profile and picture of himself up on this site saying he was single ... I found out tried to forgive him , 3 days later he cancelled the wedding saying that I could never trust him again. He told me to move out the next day, I did, I gave him back the ring but made him pay $15,000 for the wedding costs. He cancelled the wedding one month before the date. He asked for "space" a time to figure out what he wants in life and to figure out what his issues are... said things happen for a reason... and that things have a way of working out ...so now we each need to find out what that is. We exchanged a nasty gram a piece... blaming each other because of our hurt feelings... and now we have agreed no further contact... one month im ready to walk down the isle with him and the next I never can talk to him or see him again... what is going on with him? Has he truely fallen out of love with me or found another? Or is just not ready for marriage... hes 38 and has only had 3 one year relationships... any advice.... our last letters to each other was that we are each moving on with our lives .... can this be what he truely wants or is he wanting me to reach out more? Im confused.... a bit... do I give it all up... and walk away or still try?

 

I just dont know...Its been two weeks since our last email. I havent seen him in almost a month.

[Mollyanna]

i called him last night. i stayed busy all day with work, and all evening at the gym. but around 11:30pm I couldn't take it anymore. I called him but he didn't answer. So what did I do this morning? I wrote him an email telling him please not to shut me out - and please don't hate me. just please call me back today because things just got way out of hand on Sunday and we need to make it better - SOMEHOW - but this time he has to talk and defend his statements he made Sunday. I really do think he made them for a couple of different reasons - 1. to push me away. He wanted to hurt me so I would walk away and we wouldn't be tempted to keep doing what we have been doing.

2. because he again got into another fight with his X this week. (the same thing that happened the first time we broke up...)

 

I don't know what I expect from this conversation when I do talk to him! He wrote back today and said "The word hate has not come out of my mouth, only yours. I am actually kinda busy today. I will call you later this afternoon."

 

He is referring to the email I wrote him on Monday morning telling him all the reasons why I hate him not. Here were only a few of the statements:

"I hate you now. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for not respecting me and my feelings. I hate you for making me feel like all I am a worth to a guy is sex. I hate you for pretending/faking about being my friend. I hate you for talking about the future with me when you knew there was no future."

 

Why did I call him? What can this possibly accomplish? Do I honestly think we can be friends now? hell no! I am not ready for that. I just don't want to lose him, ya know?

[sally1530]

I sent my ex-fiance a nasty gram ... last week because all I wanted was to have 5 minutes with him in person or on the phone since he cancelled our wedding due to me finding out he was online chatting with girls and has his own profile and picture out there. He has pusted me away, shut me out, and wants nothing to do with me anymore... hello im not the one who was out looking for others... I dont get it... I dont want to end it with such a bad email... it sucks , I want to be able to end it right...and he cant give that to me and it pissed me off. Why wont he talk to me? Does he hate me> one month he wants to marry me and then I find out his secret life and now he cant look me in the eye or even talk to me... is this the way im supposed to accept it ending? Advice?

[sally1530]

Hes told me last week that he will delete all emails and voicemails .... dont contact anymore... I mean I sent him one two paragraph email on how I felt about what he did to our future and us... and this is what I get...

[azgirl]

Mollyanna:

Jesus! Are you in my head right now?? I would love to say the things to him that you did to yours!

 

"I hate you now. I hate you for leading me on. I hate you for not respecting me and my feelings. I hate you for making me feel like all I am a worth to a guy is sex. I hate you for pretending/faking about being my friend. I hate you for talking about the future with me when you knew there was no future."

 

I just don't want to lose him, ya know?

Yes. I do know. Mine was very hurtful to me last night. Yelled at me for s*** that was way old that went on between us and for things that have nothing whatsoever to do with him. For example - bitched me out for staying with my ex from before him for so long when he treated me so badly!! Huh?? What's that got to do with anything going on between us???

 

I don't know if I want to be friends with him or not. He is behaving as if I wronged HIM in some way! I never did anything to him!! All I wanted to do is love him and be loved back and have a happy, healthy relationship because as much as he's being an a$$ right now - the one before him was an absolute PROFESSIONAL assh***! Treated me like crap, was just a nasty negative person and then cried his eyes out till he was blue in the face when I left. Well, what did he expect when he told me quite bluntly that he want to f***other girls?? But this about the current one - not the old one.

 

Anyway ... how can I make peace with him so that he will treat me like a human being for the time that I still live there???

[azgirl]

Sally:

I know. I really do. I have asked mine some questions about how his feelings can change so fast. Two months ago he moved me in with him. HE asked me. The first month was beautiful!!! We had a great time together. I want to know how things can change so fast. We had a couple of fights the week before he told me he "didn't want this anymore." But nothing huge. I really didn't think much of it.

 

It is soooo hard when things end so suddenly. And ... maybe I should follow the advice I used to tell my mother and will share with you. See - my mother was always concerned with why her soon-to-be ex-husband used to do the things he did to her (he was EXTREMELY physically abusive) I said - does it really matter why?? Knowing why won't change anything. Knowing WHY won't necessarily make you feel better. See, you have it easier than I do. He has cut all ties with you, correct?? Well, I still live with mine. But I think YOU should just let this guy go. He would have been a terrible husband, anyway. I know it hurts, but think how much more it would have hurt to marry him and then have him cheat on you. Better to find out now than later, right?

[sally1530]

do you consider a engaged guy who is on a website with his picture and profile looking to flirt with women and possible hook up for sex... cheating? He admitted he was exchanging emails with at least 3 girls and wanted to see if they would send him a naked photo of them to him. Is that considered cheating? or did I over react? He did lie 7 times in a row to me before revealing all these circumstances... I just had to stop at 7 lies... I didnt want to know anymore....

[azgirl]

Yeah. I do, actually. If he was seriously out trolling for a** on some website - then yes!! He was cheating! If you are engaged to someone, then THAT IS THE ONLY person you should be offering to give your body to. Period. If he was doing that online, then what happened when he met an attractive in person???

 

The bottom line here is whether he actually did hook up with someone or not, the INTENT was there and nobody who is ENGAGED to be married should be even be out TRYING to get laid by other people! It's f*****g ludicrous!

[Shadow Hawk]

Sally, I am just curious to know why you're pinning hope on a man who goes on the internet looking for other women? That is extremely disrespectful.

 

Don't you realize you're better than that? Having self respect and high self esteem is crucial for a healthy relationship. Your ex obviously had none.

 

Just a suggestion, instead of trying to analyze his obsurd behavior, why not learn to love yourself and find a man who will respect and cherish you?

 

I find it truly sad that women will pursue men who absolutely have no respect for them when there are many men who will.

[JamVan]

I can totally hear you on financial issues standing in the way of getting out right now. I am going through what I consider to be a nightmare right now. One day she says to me don't bother calling if all you want to do is talk about things, let them rest and get off my back. The exact day I don't call her she calls me 4 times throughout the day, but my cell wasn't working where I was. When she finally gets a hold of me she asks, "Were you going to call me?" I flat out said no! You asked me not to and I'm getting off you back. She claims I'm playing childish games, but at this point all I can think of is getting out!!!

 

She then said to me she feels that our relationship is unreparable. I said fine, then let's figure out what to do with the place. She said she would like to stay, but she can't get the place in her name (as it is in mine right now, thus my stressing over money matters) so I said well the only thing to do is both move. SHe actually epected me to leave the house in my name while I leave and she stays.

 

Anyway, I said to her why don't you come home and we can map out a game plan. She says she has to meet her friends for beers! I'm like holy f*** that is more important to you than all of this? She then says she doesn't want to deal with this right now! I'm like we have to deal with this right now. She then says give me the night to think about things and we'll talk tomorrow. I'm like you already said it was unreparable, has your mind changed that quickly? She's like "I don't know!"

 

So, I'm going absolutely nuts right now, not knowing what to do or how to go about doing it, but I have some heavy leg work to do over the next couple of days. I truly feel as though I'M DONE WITH THIS!!!

 

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do???

 

Thanks in advance guys!!!

[Mollyanna]

I'm sorry I am being a little selfish right now and not answering anyone else's issues for the past couple of days. I am just so distraught that I can barely concentrate on anything.

 

X finally called me back last night. He basically said that he has an image in his head of the person he wants to be with and I am not her. When I asked him what was different between myself and this image, he said he can't explain it. I begged him to try. I asked him what the hell was it about me that wasn't good enough. He said I am good enough, I am just not what he wants. Well what does he want???? And why won't he tell me??? How can I know what it is about me he doesn't love if he won't tell me????

[azgirl]

JamVan:

 

Wow! People are truly unbelievable sometimes, aren't they??? She really expected YOU to move out and leave the house in YOUR name???? My god! Where does she park her spaceship???? And ... yeah - I know ALL about the avoidance thing. Mine does that, too. Even when he's home and I am too.

 

Ok - first of all - on your living situation - if the house is in YOUR name and she is the one that decided to end things make her go! You shouldn't have to go anywhere! That's F-ing BS that SHE decides that SHE wants out of the relationship but is going to make you uproot your entire life and move, as well. Mine is doing the same s*** to me. He has given me "a month, maybe two" to find my own place. With us, though, we are in an apartment and we are both on the lease. So ... he can't MAKE me do anything. You, on the other hand have the option of firmly putting your foot down and saying "No - you leave." And that is what I would do if I were you.

 

And yes - I know what you mean about other things being more important than discussing things between you two. Mine will sit right in front of me and play video games and ignore me when I try to bring things up. Like last night. The night before last we got into it and he was bitching me out. About doing nice things for him ( "trying too hard" is what he called it), about thinking that people were trying to get him to leave me (he calls that "being controlling") and really reamed my a** about staying with my ex (before him) too long when he treated me like s***. First - the thing with my ex has NOTHING to do with us. So I think it is bulls*** that he is judging me based on a past relationship. And so many of his comments made no sense!! Like he was trying to put a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work!

 

I think one of my favorite comments he made was when I asked him about specific things he said to me during our relationship. Example: "I've found something with you that I didn't expect to find for 10 or 15 years." I said "Why would you say those things to someone if you didn't mean them?" He replies, "Isaid those things to you because I have a kind heart and I didn't want to hurt your feelings." What the f***????????? That's a pretty heavy comment to make to someone in an effort to avoid hurting their feelings. And if he has such a "kind heart" and doesn't want to "hurt my feelings" then what the f*** is he doing now?? Especially with the way he is doing it.

 

I just don't understand. But - make HER leave. Don't you DARE move out of that house!

[JamVan]

Azgirl,

The thing is I don't want to stay. She has called me twice today and her anger is now turning to niceness, go figure she wants something. I've had 2 and half weeks to think about this and I'm making a rash decision!!! It may seem rash to her because she never wanted to talk. She calls me jealous and possesive, because I asked to spend a liitle more time together. She said it's summer, we are busy and what couple today sits down and cuddles or spend time alone...just like you said, "where does she park her spacship?"

 

To tell you the truth I do love the girl, but have come to realize that she isn't the girl for me. Do I expect too much? According to her I do. So I think I've finally reached the point that I am done and ready to move on with my life. I asked her one last time today...is this final, is that your final decision? I get I don't know do I think we can fix this. I truly don't think so. This is our third go-around and she has hurt me deeply in the past and can't take the constant hearthache any longer.

 

I will admit I am sad, but almost at the point where I just want this to end. Before we moved in she said she knew she wanted to be with me forever and wanted to make a home for her kids and spend more time with them. You know what happened???The first two weekends we were there we had the kids, she left al the days and left the house until 1-2 in the morning. She looks at me and says there's nothing wrong with that. Do you see anything wrong in this behaviour. I think she has seen them maybe 5 days in the past 3 weeks. To me all of these actions show me she isn't a person who makes good on her word.

 

I feel bad for making her decide quick to get a place and dshe scolded me when I said I need to protect myself and my credit first and I was sorry if it seemed I was being a pr**k about things...am I? Anyway, I am just at my wits end and I feel like I'm losing all grip on my nerves and know if I don't get out soon I will lose it. Do you think I'm being selfish about anything?

 

Thanks for the advice AZGIRL

[azgirl]

JamVan

No you are not being selfish. She is the one being selfish. So ... are you going to move? I think I could see just wanting out as soon as possible and not wanting to stay in the home that you two had together. I understand that. And no - you are not being a pr**k about things! If you truly feel that this is done then you are doing the right thing by trying to move forward and get things handled.

 

I wish I could. But honestly, right now I can't say for certain what is going on with mine. It's different each day. Last night I told him that he was treating me as if I wronged HIM in some way and that I hadn't. I told him that I had NO idea why he was behaving in this manner and that it was inappropriate. He said, "I don't want to talk about it." I said, "Well, that's no surprise and that's fine. But, I am just trying to make it so that while I am here still we can get along." And he said that he agreed that we should try and get along.

 

Whatever! I don't get him!!! Should I give it some time and then try and talk again. I would be able to accept things a little better if he was making any sense and if he had a logical explanation for where all his anger and hostility was coming from. This is so out-of-the-blue!

 

Any suggestions?

[JamVan]

Azgirl,

I know in my situation we talked and talked about the same things all the time without any kind of resolution. It really gets hard to put on a happy face when the one you're with won't talk and everytime you ask they don't want to talk about it. After a week and a half of being told let it rest and things may work out, but me needing to talk and getting nothing back, i hit the point of WHY BOTHER. I can't tell you what to do and undertand your situation, so I guess it comes down to is "How much are you willing to take?"

 

Are our partners not supposed to be just that? Someone you can talk to, someone you can count on and someone who returns the love you are giving them? For me the answer is yes. That is what I am looking for anyway.

 

I would suggest giving it a bit of time, but how much time only you can decide. If the guy doesn't start opening up to you, are you willing and ready to remain in a relationship you don't get anything out of?

 

Love has got to be one of the cruelest games on earth. When things are good, they're great! When they are real bad, it consumes your life. Hopefully he comes around for you, I kind of wish mine would and finally wake up and see. For gods sake even her own mother tells me to run all the time and that she wishes me luck...what do you take from that?

[azgirl]

Oh, JamVan! First, I appreciate your advice. And have some more questions for ya in a second. But ... let me just say this first. Nobody knows a person like their mother, right? So, if MOM tells you to run, honey then I suggest you put on your sneakers and do just that. Mom is trying to tell you that she doesn't think her daughter is fit to be in a relationship and sounds like she cares enough about you to try and warn you. Take her advice.

 

Secondly ... have you been able to make any sense out of the things mine has been saying to me?? Why the anger and hostility. See, he has MAJOR s*** going on with his family right now. When he learned of all these problems is when he changed toward me completely. Is he lashing out at me because of this??

 

And some of the stuff that he's said to me sound like something SOMEONE else has said to him. I feel like someone is loading his lips and then when he TRIES to regurgitate these phrases to me it comes out all wrong. Because no sound minded human being can follow his logic on this crap. All of my friends are like what the f***??

 

Got anything for me on this??

[JamVan]

Azgirl, maybe that could be the root of his acting that way then. Some people, when they are mad at something else turn around and take out on the person they are with. But that's not fair either. Was he always this way, if not maybe his head is just somehwere else and that's why you are getting the attitude you are. It's imperative that you talk to him or try to again...I think that's a given.

 

I know when I try to speak to her I get very cold and short answers. I really never knew what to think about it, but I see it now as the beginning of the end...but that's my interpretation. If he's willing to work on things and communicate, you'll be a hundred miles ahead of me on that.

 

Well, I just told her over email, that I'm through talking or trying to comprimise. I just said it's over and I'll be out by the end of the weekend and whether she stays or not I don't care, but there will be no phone, cable or anything like that.

[azgirl]

Good for you, JamVan! Sounds like you have made the right decision and you are comfortable with it.

 

He wasn't like this before all this stuff started happening with his family. In fact, the first night he started discussing breaking up, he was FINE 6 hours before this started when he came home between jobs. We had discussed going to a movie and he stated that he didn't think he would get out in time, so HE suggested that we meet for drinks. I got ready that night and the call never came. I fell asleep waiting for him and when I woke up he was already in bed. I went in there and he said he had some things on his mind and that I was not going to like it and it went from there. He also stated that he had talked to him mom about me that night.

 

He feels that she is becoming an alcoholic. Nonetheless, he works two jobs and had been VERY tired and stressed. So, I told him the next morning that this was not the state of mind to make this kind of decision in and that we should give it some time. Last week we spent some time together. I was very sick and so I was staying home. Things were improving and he even told his mom that he was still going to go home to Michigan with me to meet my family. Then on Sunday night, he got more bad news. Grandfather is very ill and dad is in BIG trouble for tax evasion. So on Monday he started all over again on me telling me that he didn't want this anymore and wanted to be single and "by himself." He just moved me in with him in March and things were incredible for the first month.

 

Then we made a BIG mistake and let a friend of his move in with us because he was in a jam. Changed things and we had a lot of stress and did some fighting. But the guy is gone now (had to go to jail for DUI) and I thought things would get back to normal. And they were! Two weeks ago, he was feeling exhausted from working so much so when he came home from work I had drawn him a bubble bath and had the house lit with candles. I scrubbed him down, let him relax, and then gave him a back message. We had a great night together and discussed our trip to Michigan. Nothing was wrong!! The next night we had a discussion about time spent together vs. time he needed to himself and he told me that night that "I love you. You know I love you." ???? I don't understand.

 

He doesn't like confrontation and avoids talking about serious issues, so I was thinking about writing him a letter to express some of the things I have told you. Like where all the anger and hostility came from the other night and stuff. What do you think of that approach??

[JamVan]

Hi Azgirl,

A letter may do the trick as sometimes it can help people open up. It sounds as though he is going through a great deal, but doesn't seem to know how to handle it...too bad really, it can be really hard to get a person to open up when in a state of depression.

 

As for my situation, the latest is she came home last night and crawled into bed, I simply got up and went downstairs to the couch. She came down and asked why I left? I said I felt unconfortable and that's it. She proceeded to ask my for a hug and I gave it to her. And she said she doesn't want it to get ugly.

 

Then the final straw came. She left her email open by mistake, and maybe I shouldn't have done this, but there was 4 to guys that come from her past. It's almost like she is already trying to grasp onto anything she can, as she's heading for ground zero. That's what she does in the past, leaves then jumps right to someone else just so they can take care of her. Sad really! But, I know this is for the best for me, so I am content with that.

 

Best of luck and if you have anymore questions, I will answer them to the best of my knowledge.

 

What do you think of my latest developements?

[azgirl]

JamVan:

Thanks for the reply. It really helps talking here.

 

Latest developments?? Well, I think she sounds like bad news. She sounds like a woman who has to be dependent on men. And if she is already trying to line up some other sucker to take care of her and deal with her bulls*** then by all means - let her! Feel sorry for her next victim, but relish the thought that it won't be you! I know break ups are hard, but it sounds like you are getting a handle on this one and aren't sitting there pining for her.

 

Am I right?? Mine did not come home last night. I know where he was, but it still stung a little. Feeling like he is avoiding me. But I wrote him a letter anyway - like I mentioned. Just got some things off my chest but wasn't all weepy and asking for him back. Just wanted to know who he was these days and where the kind, compassionate person I fell in love with went. I addressed some of the things he bitched me out about the other night. Told him that NO ONE - not even he - has the right to judge me based on a past relationship! Told him that I have broken up with others before and have always done my best to be kind to them and that it hurt me to hurt someone that I cared about and that I didn't deserve to be treated like I did something wrong and didn't deserve his anger and hostility. Told him that I could accept the fact that he didn't want me as his girlfriend, but would not accept or tolerate coldness and cruelty because I deserve better than that!

 

What do you think of that??