"needing Time And Space"

[shopgrl]

There are alot of posts on this forum from guys and girls who were in relationships for a few years which ended in break ups because their ex's "needed space" or "needed time" to "figure things out".

 

I know that every relationship is different but out of curiosity- Has anyone actually gotten back together with their ex and is the relationship working out?

 

Did the "time" and "space" actually allow him/her to "figure things out"? I'm in the situation now (it's only been a few weeks) and I'm just trying to figure out if the whole "time" and "space" "no contact - break up" thing works and if it can/will bring the relationship back together.

[mewbomb]

Thats to say the least ShpGrl.. Well, i can't wait to see some of the commments posted on here about this, Honestly,

 

Even though I am in this situation as well, it usually means a way out of the relationship without causing extreme heartache, or something like that.. I wish that wasn't true, but i think it is.

 

Maybe im wrong, maybe someone will prove me right!!!!

[emokid]

My girlfriend came back before she even left.We had 3 beautiful years, moved in together but then she got unhappy, so she broke up with me sort of...we lived together and were kinda not seeing each other, coming and going, doing our own things, i felt she was being a bit selfish and immature about it, not calling, staying out late and staying over at her girlfriend's house and not calling, But i mean we were broken up so, she was free to do whatever she wanted. I was crushed though and hurt.

Couldn't understand how she could have should a huge change of heart.

 

She went back and forth, back and forth not knowing what she was going to do or what she wanted, whenever I asked her about it. she kept saying she needed time to figure things out and started looking at apartments or seeing about moving in with a friend. Bottom line was, she felt she needed to leave and not be boyfriend/girlfriend, not because she wanted to date other guys, but more because she just needed to do things on her own, be independent, pay bills, pay her own rent. Then all of the sudden, almost 2 months later, she decided she loved me and didn't want to leave what we had and said she just had to go thru a "wild" phase and have some fun, without me.

 

Things have been pretty good for about a month now. She seems like she loves me and wants to stay. My confidence is lower because of her wanting to leave in the first place.PLUS, nothing has changed really, I still pay the rent BUT NOW, she doesn't even buy groceries anymore, or cook like she used to or clean up after herself much, so anyways, To answer your question, i suppose it is possible to regroup after a break, i sort of wished we had had a longer break, because now i'm wondering if this is all even worth it....I need to talk to her about some things. I think space works. And you can't map out the time it takes. You'll know it i suppose. It's tougher if you live together. I don't advise living with your bf/gf unless you're going to marry them right away....I wish you luck, wish me luck I'm lost right now.

[dontomaso]

In my opinion, the most healthy relationships are those where no one is trying to control the relationship. When there is a no contact period, control becomes a central issue depending on who gives in first and contacts the other. I don't think it's healthy to do this and is a warning sign for the future. Think about how wonderful a new relatioship is becuase both parties actaully want to be involved. for the very sake of the other person and not because of loneliness or guilt. That's not to say you won't get back together with yuour ex... I would just communicate A LOT before you do.

[UCFKevin]

Emokid...man. I know how that must all have felt. 2 months it took for her to get all her fun out.

 

It's funny how it can be so understandable but at the same time not make any sense. But awesome to hear you guys worked it out. I have to be curious as well how many times that actually happens. My father basically told me to move on and forget it since nothing would happen.

 

It's almost been 2 months for me.

 

How many people here ARE on a break?

[emokid]

Totally Kevin,

 

2 months... it was tough, not knowing when she was going to move out or give me an answer. SHe was asking all her friends at work where she could stay and what she should do(which is weird now, because if ever i see her friends from work, they're different around me, perhaps maybe because they know she was trying to leave me)

 

DONTOMASO, Are you saying that rather than give space and split up from each other, A couple should stay together and face whatever it is that's troubling them? WOrk it out no matter what? I mean I have heard this before.

 

SOme people(psychologists, Therapists) say that if your partner is trying to leave because they are unhappy , but the relationship is a GOOD one and you don't know exactly why they are leaving other than their confusing, bratty excuse of "I Need To Find Myself" That, They should stay in the relationship, Face their fears and conquer whatever it is that's bad for them within the relationship and work on it together as a couple. Why is it that they feel they need to unload a loved one from their life in order to figure out what it is that they want to do with their life?

 

Part of me agrees with that, But i also think space is needed to help the heart grow to understand what's losing or gaining by leaving the Relationship.

[yes]

i think if one needs a break from a relationship, they may as well discontinue it. i personally have used the "needing time" chat, just because it hurts to break-up, and it's nice to not make it final (i didn't see it that way then, but i see that's what it was now).

 

but good luck to all of you who work it out anyway.

 

-yes

[dontomaso]

emokid... I am only speaking from my experience here , but I guess that's what I am saying. When someone says they need space, it means that the person needs to see how successdul they will be in the "single world." My exgirlfriend moved away from the states and I wanted her to break up with me so I told her that she needed space. It was a pathetic excuse on my part so I wouldn't have to do the breaking up (BTW... It backfired on me and I missed tons her when I had lost her). But the sentiment was that I wanted to be single again.

 

If your gf or bf can't look you in the eye and give you a good reason why they "need space," then it is just an excuse. If anyone reading this can think of a good reason then I'm curious to hear what it is...

 

Communication will work out tangible problems in a relationship like religious differences, honesty issues, or even sexual issues. It sounds like there are some real tangible problems in your relationship (if she is not pulling her wieght with groceries, etc.) Of course communication should be used to work this out. If you feel like you can't communicate with your girlfriend about how this stuff maked you feel, then you are walking on eggshells with this person. If that's how you feel, then it is not a very solid foundation for a successful/loving/long-term relationship.

[NatoPMT]

am a bit tired so i am not going to tell my whole story again, but in a nutshell my ex left after he said he didnt feel the same about me anymore, he wanted to not be bothered about anyone but himself and when he had gotten through the hurt of our break up we could see if it would work again - he then m oved to america. that was 5 weeks ago, we talk every day on email, i have offered him nothing but kindness, support and friendship - no strings, and made him laugh.

 

After a period of complete withdrawal from me, he now tells me every day that he misses me, talks about me to everyone he meets and wants me to go over to visit. he says he doesnt yet know if we will be together, but he feels we will - i dont want to have any expectations, so he will not have to live up to what i think he should be. i have become happy with myself for the first time in my life. i dont feel the need to be unhappy because he doesnt want me, although believe me, the first 3-4 weeks were pure hell.

 

i think reconcilliation after a break only works if you can both leave the regret and bitterness behind, deal with the issues, understanding both sides and just trust that whatever will be will be. take the pressure off and let it happen naturally, or it prob wont happen at all.

[dontomaso]

... as a follow up to my last post, I wouild just like to add that a break can stregthen a relationship but, as BigBelm said, all the bitterness has to be left behind.. again, I think this is accomplished through communication... just wanted to say that so anyone reading this doesn't get discourages... .cheers!

[ryersonqtpie]

I can only speak for myself....and I am just as confused as my boyfriend is right now.

Today, after a long weekend of arguing about why I like to take time for myself sometimes (becasue he doesn't understand that) I said that I needed some time to think things through.

I dont even really know what this entails.

I know that I am suffocating. I'm not doing this to be single - I'm doing it to reestablish my individuality - because after a year and a half of being together, I don't feel like my own person anymore - I feel like half of a pair - and i don't think that is fair (I do not equate a relationship on the same level as a marriage, therefor I will not let my relationship blind me to who I am on my own).

 

My boyfriend could possibly be the greatest boyfriend someone could ever have. He holds me on such a high pedestal - takes care of me in every sense, loves me unconditionally....there will never be another like him - and i do love him, its just that....since he is so great, and I can be the one who gets standoffish (he always wants to be together), I always feel like the bad guy in this relationship; when I do say I want time (ie, with my girlfriends, by myself etc..) I can see it in his eyes - he worries, it makes him sad.

He worries that Im having a better time without him, he worries that I'll find someone new...

 

We have discussed this many times....but the sheer fact that I know these concerns exist, make me fretful when I still do like to do things on my own.

 

So I told him I need some time to think. I dont even know what to think about...all I know is that this totally sucks.

[UCFKevin]

You aren't my girlfriend, are you?

[NatoPMT]

If shes not your girlfriend then shes my boyfriend.

[dontomaso]

Hi.... how ya doing? I'm just wondering how old you are and how many relationships you've been in?

[shopgrl]

dontomaso-

that's I good question. I too am wondering how old ryersonqtpie is as well as the others posting. I'm 25 and I have been in a few long term relationships but this last one was the most serious by far.

[dontomaso]

FYI... I'm 26 and I've only been in 2 serious relationships. So I am not speaking from too much experience, but the experience I have had has taught me a lot about myself and relationships.

 

It seems to me that when two people are in love yet in the midst of a break-up, it is very hard to understand your own feelings. It is a contradiction, a catch-22. I think that's why ryersonqtpie and so many others feel "confused." I don't really think there are any right answers on how to get through this confused period. There are too many factors involved.

 

If you ask for space and then your ex gives it to you, you might feel abandoned and rush back into the relationship. Conversely, if you ask for space and your ex does not give it to you, then you might become even more suffocated and repulsed by the relationship. These are the two extremes of course, and what usually happens lies somewhere in the middle.

 

One thing is for sure though... once this "game" starts, the whole nature of the relationship has changed and it takes a lot of work and communication to make the "game" go away.

[shopgrl]

dontomaso--

 

You are so right. I totally feel like the situation I am in right now is a "game" and my ex and I never, ever played games. I think we're too old for that crap, he's significantly older than me.

 

I know he's confused right now and honestly I think I am too so this break up thing is for the best (although it sucks majorly). I think the worst part about it is the not knowing what's going to happen.

 

I definitely feel though that if your ex asks for space, a break up or whatever, you should respect their wishes and give them just that. I also feel that the space/break up requester, ie.. dumper should be the one who tries to reconcile the relationship and not the dumpee. I would never want to get back together with someone because they feel guilty for breaking my heart.

[DONTOMASO]

Shopgrl - exaclty right... I wouldn't pressure the situation at all... Let him come back to you and be careful if and when he does come back. Guys tend to miss the sex a lot, so if you withhold that from him, it should reveal a lot and fast... (sorry fellas, don't mean to sell out my own kind but it's the truth.)

[Layla]

Hi

 

Although I have never been in this situation before I would still like to state my opinion on the matter.

 

I believe that if you "risk" losing someone by telling that person that you need time and space you have somehow fallen out of love.

 

What I mean is that I personally would never set someone "free" for a few weeks/months if I was still in love with him. Because, simply that person may be gone by the time you have made up your mind.

 

If my boyfriend told me that he needs time and space I would be deeply hurt and would leave him as I love the thought of my boyfriend wanting to spend as much time with me as possible. I need to have the reassurance that my boyfriend is jealous when I meet other men.

 

I also can't see how the person who needs time and space will be able to cope with the fact that you may sleep with someone else in the meantime. It would drive me mad!

 

Hey, as I said, I have no experience in this. maybe these relationships work out in the end and he realises how precious you are. But I am positive that the person who needs that space at a time, lost a lot of feelings for you. They may come back but I reckon I would never forgive someone for putting me on hold!

[dontomaso]

Originally posted by Layla

 

Hey, as I said, I have no experience in this. maybe these relationships work out in the end and he realises how precious you are. But I am positive that the person who needs that space at a time, lost a lot of feelings for you. They may come back but I reckon I would never forgive someone for putting me on hold!

[dontomaso]

Layla... it might not be that they lost feeling for you. It might be that he/she just knows that you are not the ONE. In either case the end result is usually the same...

[bicyclejunk]

But your thoughts are good ones. I think that may be why when my girl said she wanted to move out and leave to feel free and independent, she got really really sad and cried many times if i mentioned anything about us not seeing each other during the break or not spending any time together anymore, a complete split. I couldn't cope with breaking up with her and just being her "friend". This is the woman i wanted to marry, why would i just want to be her friend? So she would say things like, Would you be opposed to dating me in a few months or getting back together in a few months? I think that was her way of saying, i'll be back so PLEASE don't start dating someone else....

 

 

It's a tough thing. It's like, if someone was going to break up with me, I wish they'd just break up with me and spare me the heartache of "I need Some Time To figure things out". That is SHEER TORTURE. You have to wait for them to come around. Your trust in them , in their love for you, Is Lost. Your self-confidence takes a dump. It sucks, It really does.

 

AT this point, as DONTOMASO put it, He's right....I am walking on Eggshells in my relationship. I do everything(pay rent, buy groceries, do the laundry because she hates going down to the laundry room down the hall in our apartment alone, I take out the trashes, i make the bed, she just works and goes out with her friends, but she's not mean about, she admits she's lazy) I am stupid. Communication is KEY. She's horrible at Communicating and I'm good at communicating. I'm always the one to bring anything up and it sucks sometimes. So if i mention, what about the bills or how come you haven't bought groceries and i have or how come you don't do dishes and i have, I feel like i'm being the pain in the ass or seem like i'm the boss since we just got back together, I don't want her to have another change of heart . But, Honestly, I don't give a sh*t at this point, But I do give a sh*t. sounds dumb, but it's true. If she said she was having another change of heart and feeling like leaving, I'd push more for a full on break up. A Complete split.

[UCFKevin]

I think it can be summed up that breaks SUCK.

 

I'm getting to the point where waiting is just hurting me too much. Every little thing is bothering me and worrying me and I'm scrutinizing such useless stuff that I normally wouldn't care about and it's driving me INSANE.

 

My main problem is how someone can do this and still be in love with the other person? "I'm still in love with you and want to be with you, but I just don't want to see you for a while." Ohh...okayyy...thanks?

 

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I made a decision to silently give her two more weeks, in that I'm not going to tell her and give her an ultimatum, I want it to be natural when/if she comes back and if nothing changes, then I'm done waiting and I'm going to move on with my life. It ain't fair to me at all to just sit around hoping for the best and not knowing when it's going to happen. That's BS.

 

Basically, the sadness and depression is passing and it's moving onto anger now. Hell, at least it's a new feeling. I was getting sick and tired of being sad and depressed.

[bicyclejunk]

Exactly KEVIN, For me, even though i'm with the girl, It's turning into anger or more like resentment. It's like, were back together, but I can't be happy. But if she were to say she wanted to move out again, i'd be crushed again and probably hurt and depressed, but I'd think it was the right thing to do. I don't know. I'm trying to be strong in all of this and ya know, I was pretty sure i knew who i was before all this happened but now i feel lost and unhappy, and i never was before.

 

But i know life goes on. I think I just need to talk to my girl and lay it all out and see what happens.

[UCFKevin]

Of course life goes on. It's such an easy thing to say but not to think. But I'm glad you know how I'm feeling. It's weird but I think it's a natural progression. I can't just sit around being sad, I think its only human of me to get angry.

 

The only problem is, if I'm with her any time soon, will I still be angry? I dunno, I've been thinking if she wants to hang out, would I say no? I wonder how she'd react to that.

 

By the way, just so this is out there, I'm 23, she's 21, yeah, we're both very young. This is my longest relationship by far but it doesn't mean I haven't learned a lot from previous ones.