dontomaso Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 bicyclejunk.. why don't you just break up with her if that's the way you feel? I have a hunch that you can't do that because she will act like she doens't care if you do break up with her. which would end up hurting you anyway. Basically, she has you in a pickle. She does not sound like a very nice person to me if I'm right about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 Layla- I agree yet disagree with you. If you take the words "I need space or I want to break up for now" at face value then you are absolutely right. It totally sounds like the person is already out of the relationship or has lost some love. But you have to keep mind that every relationship is different and every person is different. I agree with you that it is not right to keep someone on "hold". In my personal situation, I am not on "hold". We are officially broken up. We agreed not to keep one another waiting but rather go our separate ways and see where it takes us. If we do love each other as we think and are meant for one another then we will get back together, if not, then we won't. There is definitely a risk when you ask for space or break up with someone. I think the biggest risk is that one party, whether it be the space/break up requester or their partner, may actually find out that he/she isn't truly in love with the other or is better off without the other which I believe is something that would have came out someday down the road in relationship anyway. And in this case, you both just saved each other alot of wasted time and heartache (no matter how much it hurts now). You will be thankful later because this just would mean that there is someone better out there for you. But on the other hand, if it is true love and if you are meant to be together then what's the risk? I mean I'm not going to lie-- I am a little insecure now. But if you truly love someone, you're not going to run out and be with someone else right away. You would have no desire to. I do know of some couples who have split up for awhile and gotten back together. My brother and his girlfriend were together 4 years, split up for 2 months and have not been happily back together for 1 1/2 years. I also know of one couple that is now married and having a child. So it is possible but like I said every relationship and every person is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Hi shopgirl (?) As I said, I haven't been in that situation and it has never occured to me to claim a break. I know what it feels like when you can't stand the bloke you're with anymore and just want to get out. Therefore, I have dumped someone before and just remember how strongly I wanted to get rid of that person. I'm just curious whether it doesn't drive you guys crazy not to know where your "boyfriend" is, whether they are going out with that gorgeous woman right now etc. I want my relationships to be a bit black or white. I really let my boyfriend have his own life, even encourage him to see his friends a few times a week and absolutely also on the weekend because I know how good it is for him and quite frankly, I can't have him around me all the time. On the other hand I am so glad that he sends me the odd text message when he's out, informing me where he is and what he's up to. Most of all, he ALWAYS gives me the choice to join. So, to a certain degree, I feel that he really is MINE. And I'm happily HIS, if you know what I mean. it would drive me mad if I knew that he is seeing other women while we're on that break. I guess, I am very possessive (in my own way.) I just really claim that unconditional love and attention of his. And this love and interest can only be towards me, while we are an item. If he had second thoughts I would probably way too proud to wait for him (as much as I would happily wait for him to make his mind as I truly love him) but I guess my pride just wouldn't allow me to. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 DONTOMASO- I'm just frustrated I guess. I really don't want to break up with her. I know if i broke up with her she'd cry and be hurt she feels regretful that she ever tried to leave in the first place, she feels dumb about it, she told me this. I know she loves me. She's just lazy and a little selfish and somtimes takes me granted. She came back because she said I was the one and she knows she'll never find anyone better than me, I just get insecure and wonder if she just says that because i do so much for her and that she stayed because we have a comfort nest here. You know, I just want to be put out of my misery because even though I want things to work and I'm glad she's back and I don't want to lose her, I wonder if we had a long enough break. I'm so vunerable right now that i'm just waiting for her to start changing her mind and waiting for her to start feeling resentful towards me because she came back and didn't move out like she previously had wanted to. I could just chill out, accept that she came back and deal with getting our lives back on track but making things more independent betweent he both of us and better for us, more healthier, But i get that thought in the back of my brain that says: why should I have to be the one to make things better for the both of us or be the one to strike up the conversation, you know? I start getting a little peeved. But I should just talk to her. We REALLLLLY need to communicate better or at least she does. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 As much as I'm sure people will not care for wanting someone to be yours and you to be someone else's, I feel the same way. I LIKE knowing my girlfriend is mine. Hell, I would kinda jokingly grab my girlfriend when we'd lie in bed and I'd say, "mine!" and she'd say, "Yes." It's a nice feeling, really. But yeah. I'm kinda possessive too. I don't like being that way, to be honest but that's how the cookie crumbles. This thread is turning out to be pretty damn interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Biycicle person (?) You say your girlfriend is lazy, doesn't want to do grocery shopping, laundry, all the rest. She is also being selfish and genereally sounds a little confused. Could she suffer from depression? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 Layla- I'm curious as to how old you are and how many serious relationships you have been in. I can understand and relate to your point of view on the issues here. Trust me, I totally agree with you. I have broken up with people before because I couldn't stand them and wanted to get out of the relationship bad. I think we've all been through that. As for wondering if my boyfriend is with some gorgeous woman--No I don't, not at all. My boyfriend and I broke up because we need time apart, time to think, time to figure out things for ourselves. I think I may have mislead you=== My break up was mutual. We agreed that we need to break up. I've been going through some stressful times recently and so has he so we thought it'd be best to get out of each others faces for awhile. We didn't break up with one another because we wanted to date other people or couldn't stand each other. That's so not the case. Regardless of who broke up with who or if the break up was mutual-- it still hurts to say the least. I too would not sit around and wait for anyone to decide if they want be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Hi I am 28 years old and had a serious relationship when I was 20 for about a year but felt the desperate need to leave the guy as I really had fallen out of love. Then started my second serious relationship when I was 22 with a guy who meant the world to me but didn't particularly treat me nicely. After him doing everything nasty to me that was somehow possible I decided to leave about 18 months ago (it was an almost 5 year relationship). It was hell. I couldn't imagine living without him. When we were together it was so clear that we would stay together. God, I loved him. Now I have been with someone for about 15 months who treats me really really well and who I love and respect a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Layla- Yeah that was the whole basis for her wanting to split. She feels like she hasn't accomplished anything in her life and not sure(career-wise) what she wants to do in her life and felt bad for ever trying to go out with her friends and live life...I gave her tons of space told her to feel free to do what she needed to do in her life way back in the beginning...but she always refused and always wanted to spend time with me 24/7, which i welcomed obviously, because I Love her....yeah, she is young she's 24 i'm 26, we've been together 4 years. But I always thought, if she wanted to feel Indie from me and now that were back together we have the chance to make things better for the both of us, why doesn't she try and do things for herself or tell me how she wants things, OTHER THAN go out with her friends and have fun. I guess i just don't want to pressure her at all to change, it's not my place to change her . I want her to come to me when SHE"S ready to talk, but i know that wont happen, so i just sweep it under the carpet because i'm dumb and even i'm growing unhappy in my life as well. Hate the town i live in, hate my job, Not sure which direction(career-wise) I want to go into. It sounds messy i know, But I know I can get a grip on it. There's just some loose ends that need tightening. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 I guess a relationship can seem blurry and you don't always know what you want from a relationship when you feel that there are things wrong in your life. It is difficult to "FEEL" when you suffer from something that is going on in your life (eg. the fact that you feel you are not having the right sort of job, right sort of friends or whatever). It paralizes you and the person you are with becomes a "burden" as you can hardly figure yourself out, let alone the person you're with and his needs, problems and need for affection. It can feel pretty unbearable to know that you are - to a certain degree- responsible for someone's happiness when you can't get yourself happy. I do - to a certain point - understand your girlfriend. She seems to be suffering and probably - deep down - feels very guilty about giving you a hard time. But she can probably just not help it right now. I feel that way sometimes. My boyfriend is a bit like you; doing all the laundry, shopping, cooking, buying me flowers; just all the right stuff. When al I do sometimes is go on about how I wasted my twenties on studies and not saving money, etc. It's not always easy for him, when I shut down emotionally because I'm not happy with myself. When women do that, they are well aware of it but don't feel they have the power to change it. Hey, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 am i dumb? I just thought we had/have so many things in common, we have similar outlooks on life and find the same beauty in the same things, be it music, art, love, dreams,...the things that were opposite on, balanced us out i thought. I just find it very hard to give up on her. Not so much because, i'm afraid of being alone or afarid i'll never find anyone else, but more because, I think we are good for each other, we support each other in different ways. I mean 4 years of good love, no fights, silly small arguments we got over, fun, love, happiness, That means something i think. I don't think i have blinders on. I don't think i'm being naive. I know she feels it too, she tells me, but she just has a bad way of communicating to me when something is bugging her. Communication is important in a relationship, if anything, that's what our relationship lacks,' always has. so sorry *shopgrl* didn't mean to get off the subject... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 But why? Shutting down emotionally? Why does that happen? HOW does that happen? I couldn't imagine trying to shut down like that, to just ignore feelings and focus on something else. It's very hard to imagine my life without my girlfriend, to think about not being with her in the future scares the hell out of me, but if it happens, it happens. I'll move on, I'll live life and I'll find someone else. I fear that I will never EVER find the companionship I have with her in anyone else. I'm scared to death of it. But the only guarantee in life is death, so...anything can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shopgrl Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 bicyclejunk-- no need to apologize for getting off the subject. I think this thread is rather interesting and helpful. Layla- It sounds like you've had your share of relationships and experience and I'm glad that everything's good now. I know it's none of my business but are you truly happy now with your current boyfriend and do you ever miss the guy you left after 5 years? Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 bicyclejunk... sorry for presuming too much in my last post to you... it sounds like you know what you want.. better communication. I think it's great that you know what you want, at least that means that you can solve the problem. I know you don't want to pressure her, but you have to be fair to yourself too. If you need communication to be happy, then that's what you have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 bicyclejunk... how does she communicate with you when something is bugging her? Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 You're right. Thanks DONTOMASO. You've been very helpful. Thanks Shopgrl, I appreciate your understanding. I hope for the best for you. UCFKevin, I totally know where you're coming from. I was where you are at and it's not fun. I'm a man, but i cried for days. I couldn't ever imagine being without her. I was ready to ask her to marry me this year. If things are somewhat good in the relationship, Life is too short to be messing around with dumb issues. DONTOMASO is right, Communication is very important. If you're feeling like it's time to take a break or time to leave a good thing, talk it out first. If you love each other, It's worth at least a good discussion on how you could make things 100% better for each other. I understand that. I know that's what needs to be done, I've just been in a rut myself. a midlife crisis i didn't even see coming, pretty much. Everybody just needs to take care of what means the most to themselves, If you have love, keep it. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 She gets quiet. Or stand-off-ish. I can ask her a millions times, What's Wrong, But her response will always be "Nothing" with a sad look on her face. It takes a lot to drag stuff out of her. It was really hard for her to tell me that she was thinking about leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Ugh. "Nothing." I know of fewer things that aggravate me more than getting that when it's OBVIOUS there is indeed something wrong. With women, nothing means something. With men, nothing MEANS nothing. I could seriously be sitting there with a funny look on my face and she could ask me, "What are you thinking?" and I could say "Nothing" and mean it since I just happen to have a stupid look on my face by pure happenstance. I wept like a baby when it first happened. I was a wreck. I don't think I'd ever cried that hard. I crumbled next to the door when she left. It was awful. Seriously awful. Wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. And it was all because I was unwilling at the time to compromise. I'm a real tool sometimes. <sigh> Where's Doc? I need a time machine. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 My girlfriend comes from a family of depression. Uh oh, here comes the facts. But yeah, Her mom has always been depressed all their life, and never really accomplished anything other than Housewife, which she's not very good at. My mom comes from a depressed place too. were both children of overreacting, dramatic, depressed moms. She gets very down on herself a lot of times, But i've always been there to help her and be there for her and assure her about whatever is troubling her Link to post Share on other sites
dontomas Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 donto... ha... that's funny... anyway... bikejunk... it sounds like she does have some real problems with communication. i'm not a therapist, so I don't know what the impact of her and your family problems might be, but you sound like a really good guy (much like myself). I would just stay calm when you talk to her (DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE IF SHE STARTS TO CLOSE DOWN) and let her do the talking. If she starts to shut down, you need to tell her how that makes you feel. Again, be calm. That's about the best advice I can give, but you seem to have a pretty solid handle on things... good work dog! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Bringing this topic back to life... The thing about a break is it sucks how it puts stupid thoughts and fears in your head, although some of them may be well founded. For instance, I'm scared to death that she's going to like not having to come over or have any strings attached, she's going to like being single and going out with her friends and not come back. But I guess if that happened, it's best it happened now. Or that she's too scared to end things and is waiting for me to get fed up and end things completely myself. Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Totally right, but that's the pure nature of a break-up. It's just importnat to remember that in most break-ups, both parties feel the same way. Both people are worried that the other person will move on fast. I think it happens in every break-up. When I broke up with my ex, she acted like the whole thing didn't phase her at all (so the fears you are having came true for me). When I could no longer take her lack of empathy, I cut off all contact telling her that I would call her again when I was ready to be friends. When I finally came to the realization that I could be friends with her with no strings attached, she wanted nothing to do with me... she would barely communicate. I still have no idea what she thinks about me. She may want me back or she might think I'm a total a**hole. Again... writing about this leads me back to the same theme... honest communication is the best way to get through break-ups. Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Originally posted by UCFKevin Or that she's too scared to end things and is waiting for me to get fed up and end things completely myself. BTW... Why would you ever want to end things completely? I think that's the worst. To me, that entials never talking to someone again, I think the communication lines should always be kept open. Life is a long journey... always try to keep it friendly... think about how wonderful it would be to get a random phone call from your ex 5 years down the road... pretty special I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 .... not such a "special" for your current girlfriend or wife in 5 years time ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 ...true... i guess i meant my comment on the premise that the ex was truly just a friend... but good point Layla... Link to post Share on other sites
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