"needing Time And Space"

[bicyclejunk]

To me, that's always been weird. I've never been able to continue being friends with any girl

i've been in a relationship with. This is my third relationship and the longest one i've ever been in.

It kills me to end it. I'm so in love witht his woman that, it would be hard for me to just "be Friends" with her.

It was really awkward the past 2 months when we weren't telling each we loved each other or holding hands

and all that stuff.

 

Plus, I've always thought it was weird remaining friends with someone that you've had sex with. It's just kinda weird to me,

sure i seem dumb, but how can you? It's tough maybe for me, because i've always taken any relationship i've ever been in seriously.

My past ones didn't work out...so what big deal...I could tell it wasn't a lasting one, but i gave it my all..I tried hard.

This one I'm in now...This one means something to me...I think that's why it's so hard to take lightly or walk away. It really

means something to me. That's why i always tell my friends, if you find a good girl or guy and they treat you good and do something for

your mid, body and soul, don't give it up to find something better. Cherish that love. Fix it if it's broekn in some places. Build on it.

Create a strong bond and follow your dreams in this world, TOGETHER.

[UCFKevin]

Can't do the friends thing. Never have been able to. I see no need for it. Why would I want to be JUST friends with someone that I Was or AM madly in love with? That's too painful to deal with. Maybe in time, sure, but that won't happen anyway I'm sure since I'll probably high tail it out of the state 'cuz she's the only thing keeping me here.

[bicyclejunk]

See, that's what i mean. I mean maybe you can see each other once in a while,

but I could never be good , good friends with her because, exactly, How could I become

"Just a friend" to a girl I'm madly in love with? How could I stand to be in her life

when she starts dating another guy? If she doesn't want to be with me and

it's really "Over" then, i'd rather just cut all ties and "See you sometime in the future, Maybe".

Kev, Is your girl totally opposed to getting back together someday?

 

DONTOMASO's word is still ringing in my head....COMMUNICATION is SOOOO IMPORTANT on every level.

 

When you're breaking up or before it happens, The two of you need to talk and communicate...free of guilt, anger, resentment etc.

How are we supposed to know what we both want if, it's not said. So many things could be fixed

or repaired or changed, if our girlfriends-boyfriends-wives-husbands would just communicate problems or

troubles in the relationship and if we in turn could communicate to them.

 

That's my whole problem with my girl....She just doesn't communicate to me when something is wrong, but he has no problem letting me know when things are super good. If were a couple, we can be independent but still be a TEAM. Help each other out with problems and work things out. It sounds simple, but i know it's hard for people. Just something to think about.

[dontomaso]

Just some perspective on communication... I have only been posting/reading on this website for a few days, but it gives a very interesting perspective on people's communication skills that actually reflect on their relationships... The following post is a perfect example of bad communication with your loved one and yourself:

 

"my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now about half that time living together. during the past year i've realized more and more that the things that have been preventing me from marrying her are not going to improve. at the same time she's realized that i'm not going to marry her. several times over the past few months she's wanted to leave but i've always begged her to stay and she has. but now she's getting more and more resolved to leave. my brain knows and accepts that this is the best for both of us but i still can't let her go. everytime she wants to go i always plead for her to stay.

 

why can't i let go of this relationship? what can i do to give me the strength to finally let this go?"

 

This person has been unable to communicate for so long that he is now trapped by his own dishonety. If he would have been true to himself a long time ago, he probably wouldn't be in this situation.

[UCFKevin]

Well, the thing is, I don't know if she's just saying it to protect me or if she really means it, she's really not herself since the break, but when I ask if she wants us to get back together, she says yes. I asked her Saturday if I Was waiting for nothing and she said no, but she just needs more time. It's a concept I don't fully grasp, but whatever, I stopped trying long ago.

 

But the reason I kind of doubt what she's saying is because she's not showing any emotion towards me or any kind of reassurance or affection.

 

But yeah. Communication is the main problem we had before. Though it seemed fine before. It WAS fine before, actually, she said so. I think the relationship her friends have with their boyfriends made her jealous.

[bicyclejunk]

I feel like that's what turned my girl around.....She has this good friend that she hangs around with all the time, they work together...She's got a fiance and they're gonna get married in a few years. But their relationship is very laid back, they love each other but they go out with their own friends and are independent of each other and just do their own thing, yet remain a loving couple and live together and do activities together on the weekends.

 

I think gradually, my girl started realizing that "hey, we CAN do our own things and still be together and have fun". It does Work"

 

I don't and will never understand why they need so much time to think about what it is that they want when they tell us they need space. It is a manipulation of our feelings. It's like they wanna wash their hands of us for a while or something. It just seems selfish, love us or let us go, don't string us along.

If you know, you know, I say. If youre in love, Youre in love and you know it.

[UCFKevin]

Kindred spirits, you and I. But we're guys, we work differently, we think and feel differently.

 

Me? To make a decision about something, even a big decision, BANG, I make the decision. I don't mull over it, I give it some thought if necessary and I make up my mind.

 

I totally agree 100% with everything you said.

 

To go from seeing each other almost every day to once or twice a week? Sweet bastard, to go from "We're going to be together forever," to go from "I tell all my friends how happy we are," to "I need time and space...."

[bicyclejunk]

See what I mean...I asked my girl a bunch of times last night what was wrong, because she seemed moody and would say it was "nothing" whenever i'd ask what was wrong. I asked "Are you mad" she said "Nope" I'd say "How come you're not too talkative"...She says "nothing's Wrong"...And she gets bugged that I keep asking her what's wrong so eventually, I stop asking and just ignore her. I try too, I try to have a concerned heart and I try to give her hugs make her feel better, but she acts like I'm bugging her.

 

Anyway, As it turns out, she was bored. She was bored that we were just watching TV. I had told her earlier that I felt out of it and wasn't feeling too good and I guess she had wanted to get out of the house and got bummed.

 

I mean she's not as bad as it sounds. She doesn't get depressed and lock herself in the closet. She just gets very moody sometimes, it's always been difficult for me to handle, especially when she gets quiet and wont talk, But i'm just looked past it, because I love her. Women, Sometimes i don't understand them. I know they don't get us either.

[UCFKevin]

What's not to get about us? There ain't any mysteries about guys. Most of us, anyway.

[bicyclejunk]

Kevin, what does you're girl tell you when she hints that She doesn't want to lose you?

[UCFKevin]

It's not that she hints. I ask her if she's going to come back to me and she says yes. She's never said, without me asking, that she wants to come back, it's always a response, never a statement. But I guess I can't expect anything like that.

 

As much as I WANT it.

 

There was a point in time a few weeks back when she was talking about stuff we should do in the future like go to the Kennedy Space Center, which was nice to hear, though.

[DonTomaso]

Bicyclejunk... any progress on your situation?

[tnkwa]

What are your thoughts on a man who wants space but is interested in another woman and you? He has had the other woman stay at his place over the weekend and I stay with him the other weekends. Does he still needs "space" to figure things out or is it just a way to keep things rolling on both sides before one of us decides to leave?

 

I've moved out because I wanted more space and independence. For me, having space is just a step towards not being together. I think you need to talk with whoever your with and find out why that person needs the space.

 

The guy that I love has his own place now because he wants "space" to sort things out but I wonder how often he thinks about what he wants to do when he's playing video games or watching tv and talking to both girls everyday.

 

When we lived together, he talked on the phone with the other woman and whenever he comes back home (he has to talk outside for better reception), he always feels guilty. So, to Me, he moved out to avoid the guilt and they can talk whenever and however long they want and she can come over to his place without me knowing that he's gone.

 

When another party is not involved, I think having some personal time off is okay, but in my case I feel like he's playing both sides.

 

Sometimes people need to be individuals. If the person needs space but still loves you (and shows it), then perhaps he/she will come back.

[bicyclejunk]

well not much change, were trying to or rather, I'm trying to get HER to talk more about stuff. She's not totally opposed to talking, she just doesn't like to talk about anything regarding us breaking up two months ago or anything about us breaking up again.

 

I really love her, I really want us to work, I still think there's stuff that needs to be worked out to make things better between us. I really want to marry this girl. In fact I wish i could ask her to marry me right now, but i'm not sure if she'd be afraid of that.

Not sure if i should ask or , or when i should ask her, or If i even should ask her, But i know i want to. In fact i was going to ask her this december, before all the break up stuff happened. Ask her to marry me and give her a ring, take a few years to plan stuff, but be engaged. do you think I still should?

[DonTomaso]

BicycleJUNK.... I don't know if I could give you advice on that.... I wouldn't feel comfortable since I know so little about your life. Sorry.... I guess I would just say keep working on the communication if she seems to be responding to that. You'll have to decide when the right time to pop the question is. Cheers!

[DonTomaso]

and.... don't bring up the past if it bothers her... maybe start talking about the future instead!

[UCFKevin]

tnkwa, he's playing both sides. Screw that, he's using you as a back up in case this new girl doesn't work, he know you'll take him back so that's why he's stringing you along.

 

Dump that zero and get with a hero!

 

(snaps two times in a circle)

 

Bikejunk, wait for things to get resolved and see how things go. If she seems like she's back to normal and doesn't seem distant or hesitant about things, then by all means, go for it, but I would wait a while before asking. Just to be on the safe side.

 

My only concern, for you and I since we're basically in the same damn situation, is that how can we be sure that this won't happen again? That a few years down the line, suddenly our women are going to want to find themselves again and be free and go out and have fun all the time with other people or whatever?

 

I guess it's something we gotta deal with.

[bicyclejunk]

I see what youre saying Kev....And yeah, I totally agree, it would probably not be a good idea to propose right now, til we work some stuff out.

 

My only thing is, We've been together 4 years. We both know each other really good. She seems to want to make things work now. We haven't talked in detail about marriage or future, but when she came back I said Let's make things better this time..She agreed. She says that she knows now that i'm the one for her and that Almost losing me and losing what we have was stupid of her. I told her she wasn't stupid, but that she was just re-evaluating after 4 years.

 

I just assured her that it CAN work and we CAN make things better and not have any stressers. We never fought in our whole relationship. Had tiny little arguments but, nothing bad at all. SO, My only thing is, I'm finding it hard to keep from falling into the same routine. I don't want her to get tired of the same old thing, neither do I, I don't want to go backwards. The whole break up, Opened my eyes as well to things I want to change about myself. That happened to you at all Kev??

[UCFKevin]

Well I haven't really had a chance to show her how things will be better, but yeah, the break opened my eyes BIG TIME. I mean, I kinda knew what I was doing but not to the extent of what I was actually doing it, nor did I know that it bothered her that much.

 

She was so afraid about changing me, but I was like, "Well s***, if I don't change, I lose you, and that's not something I'm willing to let happen."

 

They're things I need to change about myself, though, that's for sure. I'm worried that I'll fall back into routine as well but at least I'm cognizant of the things she doesn't like.

[UCFKevin]

So folks, let me ask you something.

 

When you relationship is on a break, called upon by the other partner, do you choose to not contact that person at all, giving them their time and space, and waiting for them to contact you? Or do you call every now and then?

 

If you contact too much, you'll bug the other person and drive them away.

 

If you don't contact at all, the other person might think you're done and moving on, or there's a risk that they'll move on and forget about you.

 

I dunno. What do you think?

[nytr0g3n]

Here is my story...

 

Me and my now ex had been dating for 17 months. She had been searching for the right guy for some time but never had a relationship last more than a month. then when she met me, things were diffrent for her, she felt completly comfortable arround me and we soon started dateing and quickly fell in love. of the course of time, we talked MANY MANY times on how much we loved eacher and i was the one for her and getting married, ect. I was wonderful, we loved each other so much it was unreal. We never faught, had great communication, things could not have been more prefect. Then come this year, she is a senior in college being bombarded with tons of homework, regualr work, and now freelancing. Somewhere in there, she lost her love for me but it nver came up maily because she dident have time to think about it because she was so buisy.

 

Then we went away for a weekend, she went to her place and i went to mine,that gave her enough time to think things out. Come sunday afternoon, she told me that she needed a break and she dident feel the same for me anymore. This was a complete and udder shock on my part, i new she was stressed but i dident see this comming a million miles away. So, she wanted time and space to think things over and reluctanlty i had to accept. that next week was pure hell for me while she decided. I tried talking to her about it but she did not want to. Come next monday, we finaly talked about it and she deffinaly wanted to split, but of course, remain freinds. i dident think this was going to be possible because i have tried to be freinds with an ex in the past and it does not work so well. But, i am trying my best to be freinds with her and cope the best i can. Perhaps in a few months she will discover that she made a huge mistake and want me back, i know i want her back right, right now anyways.

 

this whole time and space issue is quite a killer, expecialy when it comes from no where. i am also in the dilema that i want to be freinds, but what i too much or too little contact? i want her to miss me and not drive her away.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Kevin

 

In my case, my ex wanted time & space and i gave it to him, for my ex, space meant time to think about what he wants, space to grow and maybe space to miss me. So, if you continue to contact that person to discuss your relationship, to discuss how hurt you are, you continue to drive that desire for space, confirming the reasons the space was required in the first place.

 

Thereare 3 options, you can deal with it on your own and use the space to grow yourself and to become independant in your own right - how hard is that??? Its prob the best option though, but its murder because you dont know whats happening with them, you worry you'll lose them forever etc, and i know in my case it wasnt the best way to do things, i know my ex extremely well, and it wasnt an option for me.

 

2ndly you can take a chance on continuing to be the the person they know at this time. i think you mentioned that you didnt have a chance to show her how you had changed - i felt that too, and doing the same things over and over, going over the same problems shows you havent changed. it reinforces the reasons you broke up. neither of you can move on & you prolong the process

 

I went for option 3, whereby i dealt with the hurt of being on my own myself, this was my problem that i had to deal with - and i did it without discussing it with him. i had to realise i couldnt blame him for not wanting to be with me and started to get over that (or at least hiding it) before staying in contact with him. thereafter we have just become friends, i will tell him i miss him and be sweet and kind to him, without expecting anything back - or not demanding anything back. if nothing else, we will be good friends after this but i know my chances of being with him after still pretty high. no regrets, no bitterness. i had to change my state of mind and its still hard work, but i am feeling a better person for it

 

bo.

[imjustagirl]

My boyfriend of well....what would have been 9 months on the 29th told me on Thursday that he wanted to put our relationship on "hold." To me, in girl terms, that means that we broke up. Only because he was "tired." Tired of what he wouldn't say. I thought it was because he works his regular 40 hour work week plus is taking 16 credit hours of physic's and math, but now I'm not so sure.

 

He then told me that he wanted to continue to date...just that staying the night at my house 7 nights a week was a little "strange." Then he was saying that since he moved here 10 months ago, he hasn't made any real "friends" except the ones at work. I totally agree. In the beginning, like all relationships, we felt that we should spend every single waking minute together. That turned into staying the night n such.

 

He went on to say that our communication was lacking...I personally saw him withdrawing from me approx a week ago when he told indroduced some people at a club that we just joined that I was a "very good friend." We talked about it and he jokenly asked if he should have called me his "hetero lifemate." All week he wouldn't hold my hand, and was going in early at work (usually he goes in at 7...he was going in at 5:30 - 6).

 

I thought it was strange...now I know. But to say you want to put things on "hold" but continue to date...I'm confused. Either you don't want to see the other person, or you don't. Another weird thing...he says he STILL loves me...and he would let me know in a couple days where things stood between us. Well, Friday he never called, but the people at work said a guy from his dept was calling asking for me almost all day.

 

So this morning, (saturday) I called him, just to see if it was him that called.

 

I started off the convo saying that I hoped I wasn't angering him by calling and that I didn't wake him, blah blah blah, asked him how his schooling was going. He seemed really depressed. I don't know if that's a sign that he misses me, or if he's just trying to make up his sweet time on breaking up with me. But he said that he wasn't bothered by me calling and he had been awake for awhile already.

 

I really don't understand....really confused I am. How can you plan your life with someone one day, then the next go...yeah, I think we need to put things on hold. AHHH

 

So anyways, he was all "i need to go brush my teeth." And I asked him if he wanted to get together and talk later...and he said that we would talk later this afternoon.

 

So now I have to stay around this apartment that has all of his junk laying around...just where he had left it Wednesday. He hadn't been taking anything out...usually a sign that somethings going wrong.

 

I hope things can work out...but my gut tells me that I'm in for some serious heartbreak. Even worse, we work in the same facility...less than 20 steps from each others departments.

 

I really don't know what to do...I love him soo much. Which reminds me of something else. At the end of our convo, I told him that I love him and all I got was a "goodbye," which leads me to believe that, in just a few short hours, I will once again be throwing up and bawling my head off like a freaking little baby for losing the man that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with....

 

~justa~

[Goatsbreath]

My girlfriend used the I need some space and time scenario but then I found out there was another guy in the picture. Then she tells me she still just needs space and time, that she loves me so much, that Im probably her soul mate and she could be making the biggest mistake of her life.

 

Alls I wanted was the truth about this other guy and she kept feeding me bits and pieces of hope and covering up all her daggers with lies. Then I would find out she was with him and so on on numerous occasions. I would say, "please- break up with me- we've been together 5 years- you owe me a honest answer of what your doing. I would even try to say I would understand if you want to see other people but don't be a coward and lead me on- let me make my choice based on truths- not your storys. Still- she would say "I dont know what Im doing, I dont know what I want, I dont know why I hurt you, I do know I love you."

 

Anyway, this has been the case for 3 or so months now and tonight on the phone I told her that I have grown to hate her. Then she hung up the phone on me. I feel I have hopped around this website looking for answers on how to approach her and I think I have tried every angle. Only after do I realize it was the wrong angle. Yes-I am guilty of the " well, Im moving on then," line. Unfortunately, I think I have exhausted all the possible ways to deal with the situation.

 

Whats worse, In truth- I dont think I could take her back if she came to me. Somehow I got caught up in all the games and lies she kept dealing me. I like became some dectective guy or something always looking for her to slip up so I could uncover another lie. I dont know why. I guess for the last month or so after doing all these things and approaching the situation from so many different angles I stoped and said what the hell am I doing? What am I really persueing? Do I really want her back? Is this what this is about? I dont think it is. Instead- I think it became a struggle for control. I needed to feel some control over the break up and still I hold none because of yesterday-

 

Yesterday I caught her over there and I pretty much just walked into his house. She was laying on the couch. I was so shocked- she was shocked. Then she looks at me- this other guy is standing in the kitchen. Shes looks sad, "Im sorry" she says almost in tears," I guess I made my choice." So, I say a few words and just look at her and then turn around to leave. She says wait. Then she tells me I look really pale and we should go talk. I say whats there to talk about- youve finally given me your answer- the truth is finally out. She says lets go talk- I have some stuff of yours, so I say fine. We leave and she says shes sorry and dont know what shes doing again. Im like- hello, you just said you guess you made your choice while you are laying on this guys couch. She actually says this back to me, "I said I guess," as if to underline guess, "I still don't know." Can you believe that. I couldn't. Anyway- I agree to go talk and we end up sleeping together last night for the first time in almost 2 months. I should of left when I was standing there wathing her face turn into tears on his couch.

 

Last night I lost control when I could of taken it. She has twisted me into something I dont care to look upon. Tonight, all the anger and rage that consumed me when I seen her on his couch came rushing back. She kept it down after seducing me for one night, but tonight i told her that I hated her. Its all I have left.

[UCFKevin]

I don't think there was any hope, man. I dunno about telling her you hate her, but to be honest, when I read that, I thought, "Wow.....ballsy." I mean, you aren't going to see her again, right? What good does it to be a better man and be nice and thoughtful? Screw that, be a bastard. Make her feel like s***. She deserves it for what she's doing. She's totally screwing around with you, I can't BELIEVE she had the gall to say she still doesn't know what she wants after she said she guesses she made her choice. That's insane.

 

But truth be told, I can totally understand how you could grow to hate her.

 

Anyway, I got home to a message from my....whatever she is, and she said she was just calling to say hi and see what I was up to and that she'd call me later tonight if she didn't get back too late from her friend's. At least that's something I guess.