"needing Time And Space"

[jose2hype]

my girlfriend and i separated 4 days ago... we had been dating 4 months when she told me that she needed a little time apart to think things through... she said that the relationship was moving way too fast for her and that we needed to back off the accelorater a bit.

 

she sent me an email the day after saying that even though we're on a break right now she still wants to "go on a few dates with me every once in a while and slow it WAY down. sounds like she wants to get to know me better as a friend first before she decides to get back into things. i told her that i had no problem going that route as long as i'm still able to see her. but for some reason, i'm getting this strong feeling in my gut that that flame won't be rekindled again, and it makes me kinda nervous sometimes just thinking about it. even if i hear her say that she still wants to see me, but on a minimal basis only for now. and without the boyfriend/girlfriend tag.

 

any advice on how i should be dealing with this would be a tremendous help!

[Ravenous1]

I'd like to tell you my story ...

 

Just a little background info. My ex was married for several years and one day, her ex handed her the wedding ring and walked out. Turns out her ex had cheated on her and is still with that person. Since then my ex has dated a number of people. She met a couple of bad seeds. Then she met me. My ex is also obsessive compulsive.

 

I met a girl and we dove head first into a romantic relationship. It lasted 1 1/2 months. She ended up becoming my first lover. I was crazy about her but, as time passed, she started going through some really stressful events in her life ... health problems, a suicide in her family, a career change, and more.

 

I felt for her and wanted to help her so badly, but we hadn't known each other very long and I don't think she felt comfortable opening up to me ... instead she started to withdraw. I understood she was going through a rough time, offered my help ... did everything in my power to hold her, yet give her the time she needed to deal with her problems.

 

One night, she called me at 11 p.m., said that she missed me and asked if she could come over. I said sure and when she got to my apartment we talked some and went to sleep. We didn't have sex ... I just held her because I understood that she just needed comforting. That was a Thursday.

 

Saturday I got a call from her telling me that she had almost brought her mom over to my pad to meet me ... but then decided that her mother wasn't ready to meet a new significant other. And btw, she herself wasn't ready for a new significant other.

 

That is how she broke up with me. I definitely didn't see it coming and it felt like I had just been sucker punched.

 

To make a long story short, she told me that her that with all the stress her life had gotten complicated and she just needed friends right now. Being that I was head over heels in love with this girl, I was hurt, but I told her that I understood ... that i was really sorry she was going through all of this stuff and that I would be there for her as a friend.

 

She would call me and text message me almost every day and at first I was fine ... being strong, being a friend to her. But soon our conversations seemed to change. She was always talking about a particular friend. How well she had hit it off with this person. How she felt she had to comfort this person (who has just been dumped) and I started to get annoyed.

 

Finally, I asked my ex what the deal was. Confronted her about liking this other person. Said that I could see that the other person was after her, etc. My ex denied it at first but then realized that I was right ... the other person did like her.

 

at this point, I had stopped calling my ex. I let her be the one to contact me. It seemed she was always hanging with her other friends, including this other person. Yet my ex still called me. It was hard for me to hide my jealously and I'm sure I came off as being pretty cold and clipped on the phone. One day I asked her why we were still friends ... we never see each other, I explained. And you have other friends you'd rather hang with, so what's the point?

 

She said it was too late for that and that she really cared about me a lot and wanted me in her life, blah blah blah.

 

I was appeased ... for the moment.

 

Then she forgot my B-DaY. And I realized that she probably didn't really care ... after all, I hadn't seen her in so long and even though she called, we only ever talked about her other friends. She called me on my birthday to chat ... not remembering it was my special day. I told her and she felt awful. That night she came over with a dozen roses and an apology. But after all she had put me through, constantly talking about this other person whom she was "just friends" with ... telling me that we were only dating 1 1/2 months and that in a month I'd be over her ... I was at the end of my rope. I basically told her it was too little, too late.

 

Before she left, we had some words. I told her she didn't care and she never had cared.

 

The night after, she called and we argued. She told me that she was the most caring person I would ever meet and that I was throwing away our friendship. And why didn't I ever call her and ask to hang out?

 

I told her that she had other friends and other priorities and that it wasn't worth me sticking around. I told her I wanted to let her go and asked her not to call me anymore. She deleted me from her phonebook.

 

This has turned into quite a long story, but I will finish it now. I cut all ties with this girl because it was seriously hurting me to see her grow closer and closer to her other friend. I felt like I was just on a leash ... a friend on my ex's terms. A friend that would maybe see her once a month. Obviously, my ex didn't suffer when she dumped me over the phone. She did not lose wait or have many sleepless nights over me ... so I was tuff with her. I still hurt like crazy and I miss her ... but I don't regret my decision. And a month has passed and I'm going strong.

 

My advice to all of you ... move on while you still have some dignity intact. These people who feel they can keep you on a leash, Put you on hold whenever they feel like it, Tell you that you're not really in love with them and then expect you to be friends with them ... on their terms don't deserve your adoration or your energy.

 

Take control ... turn the tables ... recognize that neither life nor love is easy ... and leave them in the dust.

[b18bme]

I really need some help right now? I am so lost in my relationship and I have no idea what to do. Let me explain how things are for me.

 

Me and my girl were together for 1 1/2 years. The other day she says she needs a break. I was like huh? Are you serious? She says she needs the break to finish up graduating, and to spend time with her friends as she feels she has kinda left that part of her life out since we got together. I was devastated. I could not handle this because we were really close. Well you see she is now graduated and nothing changed. I admit I did not give her the space in the beginning, but she cant answer any of my questions. She now says she just doesn't want a boyfriend right now. But yesterday she then tells me that chances are very good we will get back together. And she talks about what she wants to do with me this summer. I have been for the last couple of days giving her the space she wants but it feels like this might be an easy way to just kinda let things fizzle out between us, just a easy way of letting go. This has really had a big impact on me. We went out last night to get some dinner and she apologized cuz although I was not showing I was hurt she said she could see so much pain in my eyes and she is so sorry for what she is doing. I told her not to be sorry cuz she needs to do for her and if I am not in those plans then then there is no need to be sorry. I told her that she is the one she needs to worry about and not me cuz i will somehow overcome all of this. I just don't know what to do cuz giving space is really hard when all I wanna do is talk with her, and see how her day went, and tell her good night before I go to sleep, and just spend my time with her.

 

See it is so much easier on her cuz she has lots of friends to go out with and party with. I pretty much don't wanna hang out with the people I use to cuz I will just fall back into drugs, and partying. She was my help in getting away from those things. It just does not seem like all of this is really affecting her. So really all I do is just sit out home and think about everything. I have thought so many things over and have really gone through and looked out how I was and how I could change to make me a better person in the relationship. I just don't know if I should hold on and see what happens or if I should put closure on it and move on? Does giving space really work to help things? When I call we only have small talk, I just don't feel like I can really start to heal until there is closure on the relationship.

[CONFUZED01]

ive been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I recenly made a major mistake which made him break up with me the first time about our second year together. we made up but he has not ever forgotton what i did and recently uses it against me when i make mistakes saying i will not change. last year i moved to the same city as him and practically lived with him for almost a year. It seemed like everything was perfect in the beginning and lately he had been asking me for space, i thought i dont need space so why should he, so i never gave it to him and we often just forgot about the subject. His best friend which is a girl hates my guts since me and her friend does not get along which is my boyfriends ex. i always have this feeling there are planning to get me out the picture by giving him bad advice about me even though he said they are not. for his b-day his bestfriend gave him a big ass frame picture of her and his ex. knowing i dont like it he puts it away when im there but puts it up when his bestfriend comes over just to show her he appreciates his gift. then one day i was upset about his ex calling and wrote all over the picture only on his ex's face and the glass broke. he found it and got really mad i know it was immature but i did it out of stupidity since the bestfriend found out she gave him the guilt trip of not being more responsible. He finally said to give him space and said to leave him alone because im not respectful at all. I think i do everything fo rhim and clean his house do his laundry and your goin to want space because of a frame that can be repalced. after two weeks since the incident i didnt give him space which made him seem more irritated. i finally will give him space ......i really dont know what to do ?and if he will come back? or if i do give him space will it show him how much he misses me? and that ill change? what ya think its the best thing to do.

[b18bme]

Well confuzed, me and my lovely ex are going throgh the same thing and I can say you need to give him the space he needs. I did not give my girl space and it just pushed her farther and farther away. It hurts so bad I often cry but that seems to be the best thing to do. It really makes ya fell better to let those tears out if you need to. Just give him space and only time can tell what will happen. I ask myself the exact same questions but there is really no answer to give except give the space. Just keep posting and reading others posts because it really helps me to know that other people are going through all of this horrible crap.

[jose2hype]

okay... now i'm really confused... like i said in an earlier post, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said the relationship was moving too fast and that she needed her space to figure out what she wants.

 

so i decide to give her space and not contact her at all... i figure i'll let her make the first contact.

 

so she calls me about 6 days after we separated and leaves me a voice mail saying that she just called to see what i was doing because we hadn't talked to each other in about a week, and told me to call her back... so i call her back, and we just have casual conversation for about 30 minutes or so... she starts telling me that she misses me and that she's glad that she finally got a chance to talk to me.

 

then, the next day she sends me an email to see if i wanted to go ice skating with her and her 4 and a half year old daughter... i still didn't respond back at that point, because i didn't wan't to seem like i was desperate to take her back.

 

the day after that she calls me up and asks me "how come i don't call her anymore and asks me if i was mad at her or something"... so i told her that i didn't call her because i thought "you needed your space"... then she says to me "just because i said that doesn't mean you have to stop calling me!"

 

so i left it at that, and we talked for the next hour and a half on the phone... not about "us" at all, but just casual conversation once again... then before she got off the phone with me she asked me what i was doing the next day and that maybe we could hang out if i wasn't busy... i said that i didn't know what i was doing and that i would email her the next day and let her know.

 

wtf... first she breaks it off saying that she wants to slow it way down, that we should spend the weekend apart and that she's not even thinking about anything that has to do with a relationship at the present moment... and now all of a sudden she's calling me up left and right, giving me all these mixed signals, and giving me a false sense of hope... as a matter of fact she's even coming over to my house later tonight because she said she misses being around me... i'm so confused right now on how i should be handling all this that it's driving me nuts... any advice on how i should handle the situation?

[Mollyanna]

Jose: I have just went through this. (in fact it is not quite over yet.) We have went through this about 4 times in the last 6 months. He breaks up with me, then decides he misses me. If I give him the space he needs, he suddenly wants me around. But if we start getting too close again, he breaks it off.

 

DON'T fall under this spell like I did!!! I am actually right now on vacation in Fort Lauderdale by MYSELF. It took me 18 hours to drive here and so I have had plenty of time to think about this. It was the whole purpose of this trip - to get my dignity, self esteem, and self respect back. He stole all of that with this yoyo game he played with me.

 

She probably doesn't want YOU. I hate to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like she misses having someone around. She wants to be close to someone - but maybe that someone isn't you so she is using you until she finds someone else to occupy her mind, her heart, and her emotions.

 

All I know is the turmoil is not worth it. You will get real tired of second and third-guessing every action she makes. She will say one thing and do another. Love wasn't meant to be this complicated.

[JamVan]

I agree with MollyAnna, the person who asks for space normally once they get it, don't want it. My ex did this to me 3 times already and came back professing her love and said she is level headed and knows exactly what she wants. I can tell you from my experience, it only lasted a few days or weeks each time. We have since parted again and I have finally had it. My feelings, although I will always care for her in some way, have died out. I will not go back this time and have made the choice to simply move on. I told her not to contact me and leave me be,, which she has for about a week now, but last night I get a call from her two best friends asking me to meet them at the bar I frequent, I said no! Why would they be there in the first place? After all the times they said they hate going there. When someone wrongs you, like she did me, you think you can get over it, but it somehow always remains in the back of your mind.

 

My only advice to people going through this, is be true to yourself. Put yourself and your heart at the forefront and settle for nothing less than your own happiness. If it's getting back with the person and it working...great! If it's a new start, take full advantage of it, as there is always a bright side of life and one day you'll meet someone who loves and appreciates you just as much as you do them.

 

I recently met someone new, and although I am going into it with no expectations and the feeling of "is this too soon", I enjoy the persons company, we have most of the same goals and she truly makes me feel special. So I'm just going with it, not labeling what is beginning and living each day of my life for the most important person in my life (next to my daughter) me! Afterall, you have to spend every second of your life with yourself, so why not spend it with a happy you???

 

Best of luck to all!

[Confused334]

Hi everyone.....I really need some advice. So I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Things were always really great and we were always together. We are extremly serious...exchanged promise rings, talk about the future together, etc. Anyhow....during the time of us dating..he graduated college (whereas I am still in college) and started his new job, which is extremly stressful. (He is in sales...and takes it very personally when he has a bad sales day at work). Anyhow....the past month of so...he has been pretty distant and misses hanging out with his guy friends. I have to admit that ever since I felt him being distant I pretty much smothered him bc I was afraid of losing him and gave him the guilt trip for goin out with his friends. I kept asking if everything was okay and he said yes, he was just stressed out with work. The past couple of weekends, he started to go out with his friends alot and I barely saw him the past few weeks. So...anyhow...finally just this past thursday, I told him I cannot do this anymore. I can't take this anymore and feel as though right now he is very unavailable to my emotional needs, etc. I said that we need to break up and I just think he hasn't been the one to break it off with me because he is just scared. He said no he absolutely does not want to break up.....he doesn't want to lose me.....he apologized for being so selfish lately and taking me for granted, and feels he is being very unfair to me bc he does want to go out with his friends right now and really doesn't have much time for me bc of working long hours, etc.(which he claims is why he was being so distant out of guilt) So..he mentioned instead of breaking up that we go on a break. which, mind you...coming into our relationship, we both agreed we did not believe in any breaks and had never taken them before. But in this situation....he said he does love me very much and wants to still marry me, etc.....but right now needs to be independant and get his priorities straight. He also said right now...because he is so unhappy with his job and stressed he doesn't want to have to worry about me right now and needs to concentrate on making him self happy right now. So I agreed...he said he still wants to talk...We have talked like 5 times a day every day since and he even took me out to dinner for Sweetest day this weekend and gave me a card saying he loves me with all his heart and knows we will get through this. I have not been the one calling him either and also have remained very strong towards him with the whole thing and have never brought up the topic of "us." He has been much more open and not distant towards me since the break too. So my question is do I hang in there?...Do any of you think that we should have no contact at this point?....And do you think I should bring up the topic of us or leave it alone at this point????.....Do you also think there is a good outcome of getting back together or this is just an easy way out of breaking up? I really need some advice...I am so confused...I'd really appreciate it

[frost3535]

Me and my girl freind been going out for like 2 1/2 years .We was High school sweet hearts.I love her so much its crazy she loves me the same,we fight becaues where so alike.We was okay intell one day we got into this dum fight she found something on my myspace that I said to another girl I wrote thats what she thought.My friend from school wrote me what going on my peanut butter cup and she got real mad.We decided to take a break so we can get our stuff toghther I joined the marine corp reserve part time and after that is Highway Patrol school.We still talk ,I cant see my self with a diffirent girl my heart is like so broken now she was my world.We ate dinner last night we went out and talk and at first we decided to not date other people then she was like im not going to go out looking for somebody im trying to get my stuff togther,I ask her do you think where going to get back toghter when i get back,she was like it dependes how much you changed.

[Ruff Ryder]

Some one who needs time and space in any relantionship is going to was your time and space.

 

"i need to find myself" thats the line that is alwaysed used. In my view:

 

1st: if you lost yourself then the relantionship was never ment to be.

2nd: how does one lose themselves?

3rd: What is it in life that these type of people want?

 

ive had the whole time and space and i need to find myself.

 

I personally dont have time for them to find themselves so if it is space that they want well give it to them BUT dont let the opptunity for you to be happy again pass you by while your waiting for the EX.

 

Live life and enjoy it never be held back and have no regrets.

[Joynail]

ok me and my b/f have been together about 5 months and he says that he wants to maybe live at his parents house a few days and then here at our house a few days. he says that he likes hangin out with his friends and thats fine but when he does he is usually gone till the next day or really really late like 4 in the morning. and when i go with him and i get tired and want to come home he gets mad at me.i just dont know what to do. he is gone quite often hangin with his friends, i guess i would lkie to know if he actually wants to be with me but i just don't feel it. he only spends small amounts of time with me.and we do have an age difference i am older. but that shouldnt matter either you want to be with someone or you don't. we were rommates than we became b/f g/f and things were great for a couple of months, then he started saying that when i question him that it is dumb and he yells at me. so ok what should i do????

[Joynail]

My b/f thinks that he should live with his parents a few days and with me the other days. he says he likes hangin out with his friends and he does that alot, actually more with them than with me. oh and we live together. I am older than him and we were roommates that have known each other for about three years. then we finally got together he was a really good friend but as a b/f he kinda sucks. he gets mad at me if i want to hang out and when i aactually do, if he does not think that i am having fun he gets upset.When i go out with him to his freinds and i get tired because its 3am and would like to go home he gets mad because i want to leave and he is ahving a good time. so should i give him his space or just dump him and get ti over with????

[MTL76]

Reading these posts about people needing space has been fantastically therapeutic. Here's my situation:

 

After 3 wonderful weeks with "Marcy", I began picking up subtle signs of discontent. Oh sure, we'd still have great sex, and spend a lot of time together, but little things.. like less texting than we used to, less eagerness on her part to see me, and an increase in her drinking and partying with so-called 'friends' (which excluded me).. these things began to weigh on my mind. I asked her about it, and she said that she now realized she wasn't completely over her ex.. not that she wanted him back though: She was SO happy with me, but she was afraid that I would have expectations.. basically I told her I wanted us to be exclusive, and I wanted to see her as much as possible while still allowing her freedom. We whole-heartedly agreed.

 

Things were fine for another week, then she left an enigmatic voice mail to the effect of "Something happened, not with you, you know I can't resist you but I need a couple days to think".

 

Turns out she recently discovered that her ex (she left him 3 months ago) has basically come 'out of the closet', which I've heard can have a rather devastating effect on a woman - she can't compete with another man! We talked about it, and were ok for a few more days, until she broke plans with me because she was with her friends and drunk.. apparently she had heard more things about her boyfriend being gay while they were still together. Also, her mom, back in Brazil, was having some minor health problems, and she was feeling guilty that she was unable to return to see her.

 

The next day she invited me over to a nice breakfast, and apologized. I spent the night and all of next day with her, it was very nice, until I started to become physically intimate, and let me tell you, that had never been a problem in our relationship! Anyway, she stopped me and said that due to the ex-boyfriend-gay-thing, she felt sort of 'used' by him, and had some sort of emotional block on intimacy, and she cried and apologized so many times, and I told her "it's ok baby, I like you more than just for sex"

 

This led into a very tearful, open communication about 'us' and our feelings. She very sincerely said something to this effect: "I need some time to think.. I like you so much, it's not fair to you - you've been so perfect for me, but you met me at this terrible time in my life, I don't want to lose you".

 

Now, for my part, I believe that she meant what she said. I've heard similar things from women in the past, but none were as convincing or sincere; besides I truly trust "Marcy", in every way. It's not about either of us seeing other people, and I don't get the vibe that her feelings for me have changed, except that an external force is messing up her emotions right now. I told her I was going hold off on calling her for a few days, let her think and sort things out. That was 6 days ago, the last time we spoke in person.

 

So why am I posting this? Perhaps there is a twinge of doubt as to our future. Certainly I've had the toughest time in the world, not calling someone with whom I communicated with on a daily basis before. In fact I've texted her and sent her email a couple times... she responded only to one of my text messages. I am happy to say I've never been in her situation before.. consequently I'm having trouble understanding why she wouldn't want me (someone she likes and cares about) around. Don't you think it would make her feel better if I were with her?

 

Although before her revelation about her boyfriend, we were undoubtedly falling in love, certainly this relationship is young: we have a lot to learn about each other yet.. but there was so much potential, that I'm not willing to give up. So basically my question is "can external emotional issues really drive you away from someone you like very much (or even love), rather than bring you closer? In your honest opinion, do you think this relationship is salvageable.. in other words, is it an exception to the apparent consensus that "I need space" signals relationship death?

THANKS!

[CaliGuy]

she just had to go thru a "wild" phase and have some fun, without me.

 

My ex is doing this now. She doesn't want to be 'tied down to authority figure' and doesn't want to be bf/gf with anyone. She just wants to hang out and have fun. She has told me she could see us married and that scares her because that's forever. That if she doesn't get her wild side out now, she is sure she would cheat.

 

I still pay the rent BUT NOW, she doesn't even buy groceries anymore, or cook like she used to or clean up after herself much, so anyways, To answer your question, i suppose it is possible to regroup after a break, i sort of wished we had had a longer break, because now i'm wondering if this is all even worth it....I need to talk to her about some things. I think space works. And you can't map out the time it takes. You'll know it i suppose. It's tougher if you live together. I don't advise living with your bf/gf unless you're going to marry them right away....I wish you luck, wish me luck I'm lost right now.

 

You definitely need to stop catering to her. She's going to get spoiled and expect things to always be like that. I can understand her not paying rent but not paying for groceries or cleaning up, that's a bit odd.

[Mikeyt555]

My girl asked for time and space after 2 months. Alright I know you're going to say big deal it wasn't a relationship to begin with. Well it was. So much so that we hit it off like fireworks. Everything we did was perfect with each other, talking, listening, intimacy, you name it. Her line was she needed time and space because we were too perfect together. Please, some girl out there explain too perfect when a girl is looking for a responsible guy to build a future and family and you hit it off like gangbusters. I don't get it. Well, she had all kinds of issues at first. Fisrt, she couldn't find a decent guy. In comes me. Secondly she was scarred by her ex a year ago when he cheated on her. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him and she was devastated. She is an amazing woman when we are alone. When we are around friends or in public, we couldn't even hold hands. Things were always done secrectively. Listen, when someone wants time, the bottom line is they are not ready. I don't care what the excuses are, that's all they are, excuses. Nobody can be so perfect together and overnight need time and space. We are talking about someone with issues. Anyone who asks for time and space normally wants out. For those who get back together after a few weeks, beware. They went out and had a blast to get it out of their system, they'll want to do it again. In my case she wanted it all and it came in a perfect package and that was too overwhelming. I don't think she ever thought it would just present itself. Sh efound everything she was looking for and simply got scared, didn't know how to handle it. Now she denies anything ever happened between us to our friends. Is this because she's embarassed, keeping it to the side so that after she exhausts her options or gets whatever out of her system she will come back, who knows. One thing you have to remember is that you will always have that in the back of your mind if they come back. You can't live ilke that, it's not healthy. I know we fall in love but you are only setting yourself up for bigger heartache when he or she does it to you again. Stay away from these types, they don't know what they want so what makes you think they know what you want. Most of them are so selfish thhat they make a stone of their hearts and move on without even thing, hey what about my partner's feelings. Very selfish. My best advice coming from a very bad experience trying to piece some contact here and there and torturing myself, the next time someone asks for time and space, give them exactly that. Don't call, text, email nothing. Don't even ask for an explanation because they don't make any sense anyways. And if you truly want them back, this is the best way to do it because as long as you are giving them feedback, you are keeping them informed and in a comfort zone with you. If you slam the door on them when they pull this, then they have to deal with it and believe me the first thing someone wants after they've done something stupid like this is they want you to say, oh it's ok, take your time I'm there for you. That doesn't work. She screwed me bad and I should have seen it with all her issues. This is not a bitter letter, these are words of experience. If I get that again, I will respond to nothing and let them deal with it. It is afterall, their wish isn't it. All the best to all of you that have been broken hearted recently. Sad how she told me how horrible it was to get her heart broken and I'm the next in line and she does it to me.