"needing Time And Space"

[Geoffrey]

How long to wait.....that is a TOUGH one.

 

I can go on with my life for six weeks or so, but after that, I would need some feedback or some kind of indication as to whether or not the waiting period should be over.

 

It's hard enough waiting for the other to make the next move....let alone knowing how long it may take. What my gal and I did was agree that there would be no guarantees....that was VERY DIFFICULT to face. But I know she has feelings for me, and she knows I have feelings for her, so if it's going to happen, it will happen. I've known her for a year and a half, and we've never been out of touch longer than six weeks. One person contacted the other, and so it went.

 

That is what I am waiting for now....I have a feeling it's going to be awhile....it's only been FOUR LONG DAYS.....when we talked several times a week previously.

 

Well, I also believe I have something good to offer....and if she chooses not to take me up on it, there are many other women who may be interested. Yes, it will hurt me deeply, but I am trying to do my grieving now. Sorry if that sounded arrogant....but we all should believe that about ourselves.

[Geoffrey]

Please help me. I know that we can work this out. I want so badly to be with him especially after having a new baby. I really love him and am so confused and hurt and I dont what to do to get him back.

 

 

I know it's tough being a new mom and all....I don't really know what to say....just try to make your relationship as SAFE a place as possible for him to express his feelings....

 

...what troubles me the most is that he told you he loved you AFTER the baby was born....you mean he didn't say it when he was making love to you???

 

...the bottom line is this....what counts now is the baby....that child needs a mom AND a dad...I could write so much more about this....keep him INVOLVED in your child's life....I have three young children....I'm divorced....and it is HARD. SO VERY HARD.....my dearest, you have no idea.....maybe you do....make it SAFE for him to share his feelings with you.....feelings aren't right or wrong they just ARE....and make sure it's SAFE for YOU to share his feelings with him.....this is HUGE....not all is lost, keep encouraged....

 

Write back, you have piqued my curiousity....

[miscel]

Yes he told me he loved me AFTER the baby was born. I asked him about that too. I told him I wanted him to be sure that he meant it and he wasn't just saying it becuz we have a baby together now. He said he wanted to tell me awhile ago when I was pregnant but was scared to open up. That's why I am so confused. I don't understand how he could tell me that he was very sure he loved me when I told him, please don't say it unless you are absolutely sure and then now he tells me that he is not sure that his feelings are the same anymore becuz he feels we are drifting apart and fighting. Is he scared? Is he just overwhelmed and is just tired of all the stress we have been having between us? Most of it is related to the baby. I get upset that he doesn't seem to help me more, blah blah blah, etc. I'm not really myself lately. My sister said it is definitely post partum. I can see that now. But, I'm scared that it might be too late for him. I just hope my letter will help him to understand why I have been erratic and not easy to be with, but that I do realize that I need to be more supportive and encouraging, we both need to be.

 

 

What do you mean by

....

make it SAFE for him to share his feelings with you.....feelings aren't right or wrong they just ARE....and make sure it's SAFE for YOU to share his feelings with him.....this is HUGE....not all is lost, keep encouraged....

 

Please explain.

 

The one thing that kills me is I have to still see him when he visits the baby. He can't take him over night yet becuz I still breastfeed, which he totally respects.

I'm dying over here. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

[Geoffrey]

OK....I'll explain.....easy does it!! You are going to be OK.

 

What I meant is that it sounds like trust is an issue....I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to step on your toes here...let me read back to you what I hear you saying....it sounds like you both are afraid. You are together....you get close....and POW!!!! here's a baby!!!

 

My ex-wife delivered THREE babies between us...yes, it sounds like postpartum...I've seen this before. It takes some time (probably at least three weeks) for your hormones to settle down. (I'm writing my reply VERY CAREFULLY) What I think needs to happen....you both need to lay down your guns and SURRENDER. It has to be a mutual thing. You now have another life you BOTH are responsible for....as good belongs to him as belongs to you. It's not too late. He MUST understand that you BOTH need to work together....for the good of this child. It sounds like you already know that.

 

You might consider asking him...are you afraid? What exactly is the problem? Probing questions of this sort can reveal a lot....

 

Can I ask a question? Is this your first child? First children can be scary...but you are going to make it....there are numerous resources out there for you. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMAN WHO IS GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW.

 

Write back soon, let me know if I am off track here, I need some more feedback about my response.....

[miscel]

Let me try and sum up the whole thing for you without making it too long.

 

We worked at the same place. We hung out with other employees a lot at the local bar and at parties. One night we slept together. It was great. We kept having sex but just for fun not for a relationship. Two months later I got pregnant. He was scared. He wanted me to get an abortion but I couldn't go thru with it. I also have a twelve year old. I wanted to have another one even if he wasn't going to be there. He respected my decision and said he would be there for the baby no matter what.

 

We started getting closer and eventually were seeing each. Neither one of us were seeing anyone else. It was going great. Actually both of us were really enjoying it and loved to be together. I got really close with his family too.

 

I lost my job after 4 months into the pregnancy but he still would come over for lunch and after work. We spent a lot of time together. Not everyday. Everything was going wonderfully. The only thing that was a little hard was the way him and my twelve year old were getting along. Wasn't always good.

 

He was there for me for everything. He treated me like a queen. It was so nice. He was there thru the whole 18 hours of delivery too. Holding my hand the whole time. Kissed me most lovingly right after the baby came out.

 

He even told me that the time we were spending together was the most special he had had in a long time. That he felt happiest whenever we spent time together.

 

Then the baby was here and things were still great for awhile. And then the fighting started. Like I said before I just wasn't myself. I've been moody and sensitive that he wasn't helping enough or spending enough time with me and the baby. I was getting upset all the time. He was starting to bug the heck out of me. I was actually ready to break up but I hadn't quite done it yet, but I was being very distant.

 

Then we had a huge fight about child support money. And I told him to leave. We didn't really talk too much after that for about two weeks, just about the baby issues.

 

Then we started getting along and I started realizing how much I loved him and didnt want to be without him. One day I came down to his house and that night I fell asleep in his bed while I was nursing the baby to sleep. I told him he could come and sleep with us, I wasn't going to kick him out of his own bed. He climbed in and layed next to me. I turned to him, told him to come closer and kissed him. I told him I still loved him and he said he still loved me too. We were back together. Everytime I held him and said I love you to him he would say he loved me too. But we were still fighting a bit.

Then we had the talk that I told you about in the previous post.

[miscel]

I would love to try and ask him exactly what the problem is? Is he afraid? But I am so worried I might push him farther away. Like I said I wrote him a letter which should help him feel more comfortable. I gave it to him last night. I left a message about me coming down to his house today to drop some stuff off and if I should just do it while he is at work or did he want me to come by when he gets home so he can spend time with the baby. He never returned my call. I have not called again. He had come up last night to give me a check and had a flat tire.

 

He was making phone calls and trying to fix it. I was going to give him a ride home but the baby was asleep and he lives about 35 minutes away. I didnt want to get the baby up to drive him home and then to just turn around and drive back. He ended up driving home with a tire that was leaking air all the way. I called to make sure he got home okay and that I was sorry I should of just drove him home. He understood and wasn't mad.

We talked a little just about whatever but his phone kept dying but he actually called me back to finish our conversation. He asked me if I was coming down today and I said I didnt know. Then his phone died again. That's when I left the message when I tried to call him back.

 

I hate all of this. Being apart like this is just ridiculous. By the way he is 25 and I am 35 years old. That probably could make a difference in all this.

[MarKus]

Originally posted by MarKus

Ok me and my gf/ex of nearly 3yrs have been on a break over 2 months, she is 20 me nrly 22. I have only seen her a couple of times face to face since, i have seen her around town. i met up her briefly to give her some photographs i printed of her dog, (which had recently died)

As soon as she saw me she had this big smile on her face, but she looked different, mabye cos she had burgundy streaks put in her blonde hair anyway i also drew her a picture of the dog off my own back cos i was fond it, she really loved and thanked me so much etc, she was with a friend so i didnt really get the oppertunity to talk to her about stuff, she was boasting to her friend about going out that night, infront of me to probably try to make me jealous, which didnt work.

 

I told her i was sorry i rang last weekend (I was a bit drunk at the time cos i was out in weymouth clubbing with friends), but i was sober enough not to go into detail about us, she said it was okay. I told her i was in weymouth (which is 25 miles away), she replied sharply "Who were you in weymouth with then?"

When we were together she would always say stuff like that if she was jealous, or wanted to know who i was with, i know her to well, but we are on a break requested by her, so why would she say it like that??

 

a couple weeks ago my dog also died and she text me asking how i was, and a few days later i recieve a card from her parents thanking me for the photographs and the drawing i had done and said sorry to hear about my dog dying they know how im feeling, which i thought was very nice of them.

Funnily enough i bumped into her parents a week later and they were very pleased to see me, we spoke for 10 minutes, and just before they had to go i asked how she was, they said she was fine, but i know they dont like this girl she has starting going around with.

 

When she first started going around with this girl (who is only 17), thats when things started to get weird in her behaviour and her asking for a "break and time".

So i cant help but think her younger friend influenced her in some way, but at the end of the day its her decision

 

 

i have only spoke to her on the phone once or twice, and she has text me during the break, asking how i am what im up to and allsorts, i have kept contact to a bare minimum though in the first week i didnt, cos i was in shock, alli wanted to do was meet her and wanting to know WHY? which is natural i suppose, i have occupied myself, which has been HARD cos i love her to pieces. I didnt bother with valentines day, but i did send a small happy birthday card, i have kept contact to a bare minimum, and if we have its only been simple

 

We great times and a few bad patches like every relationship does, 3 months in it was obvious she wanted to stay everysingle day and night with me, yes i loved it. but we were in eachothers pockets all the time so to speak, which caused some friction sometimes, and after a while i told her it wasnt healthy for us and i told her we should spend a few days a week at our own houses, but she didnt want to,

shed get jealous me seeing my friends,she was the jealous type, but i was ok if she wanted to go out her friends, but she wanted to be with me ALL the time. she was forever telling me she loved me so much cards/letters etc and the way she'd act around me, i would do the same, sometimes i would forget to do the little things, but i loved still love that girl to death,

 

Thats what i dont get?

 

 

Anyway a week ago she sends me a text message saying

 

"Do you reckon we should meet up sometime and have a chat"?

 

i said okay, but im still waiting for a responce.

 

why does she want a chat??,

do i meet her for a chat?? i got many things i want to say about the past, and the present, or shouldnt i delve into that too much? what shall i say?

 

Thats if she respondes.

 

help appreaciated thanks

 

Sorry if its long

 

 

^^^^^^Continuing on from this (PLEASE READ)

 

 

 

Ok its been nearly 3 months now since the 'break'

like i said we have had minimal contact if any since, and if i contact her she will reply back.

Anyway when we were together i took some portrait shots of her (im a photography student)

also i took some photographs of her 2 dogs.

 

So about 2 weeks into the 'break' she tells me that one of her dogs was put to sleep, and she was crying and she asked me if i could print her some of the photos, so i said "yes" without hesitating, she offered to pay me, i said dont be silly.

I gladly did them for her, and i also did a sketch of the dog (i was an art student).

 

so a month had passed, and we continued to have brief contact via text, she wanted to meet me with the photos, so i met her and she looked better than ever, i wanted to talk to her, but she was with her friend so i didnt have the chance to, she looked happy to see me with a big smile, and she loved the pictures and the sketch and thanked me.

A few weeks pass and i get a thankyou card from her parents, thanking me for the pictures and drawing which they had put in a frame in there living room.

 

Days later she texts me and wants to meet up for a chat sometime, i said "ok"

 

But she never got back to me, so i left it at that.

 

 

Now to the point!

this morning she texts me, asking if im ok and had i been up to much, asking how my family is,

then asks "if i give you the money could you please print some of those portrait photos of me you did last year? do you remember the ones i like?" x.

 

Is that a bit of a cheek or what??

she's asking me to print the portrait photos i did of her, for her.

 

I couldnt bare printing them again because she looked so amazing, and it would make me think of her more, surely she should realise that

 

it is a bit annoying, she asking me if i could do these things for her.

ive hardly spoke to her, seen her. she hasnt told me were i stand or anything,

3 weeks ago asking if we should meet up for a chat, i said yes. but i got no responce, now she's asking me please to do more photos. wtf.

 

A tiny part of me wants to do them for her cos i do still love her, even though it is tarnishing a little a bit,

but another part of me is saying NO WAY.

 

What do you think? help appreaciated

 

 

MarKus

[Mollyanna]

MarKus. That is a tough one. Sounds like she is pretty selfish. She only wants you when it is convenient for her. So what do you possibly have to gain from her? Unless you get some kind of sacrificial satisfaction for letting her hurt you over and over and over again...

 

My suggestion is - print out the photos this one last time and take them to her - but only if she agrees to have that chat you talked about before. (and Yes, take the money!) Then tell her that will be the last time because you can't be looking at those pictures anymore - it hurts too much. Take the pictures off your computer PERMANENTLY and throw away any negatives or prints!!!!

[DonTomaso]

I would first erase the prints and then write her an email telling her you don't have them any more. Wish her luck and say good bye.

[coursingthru]

I just breezed thru all of your replies. All that I can say is that if you felt you have "lost yourself", you need to find yourself and you cannot do it in the relationship, especially if the one you're with is already not supporting you in the aspect of "alone time".

 

 

I was with a guy for 3 years. For the 1st 1 1/2 yrs, I knew he needed time on his own after his 10 yr marriage and tried to tell him this but he said no. But then would also say that he wanted to do his own thing. Now if I did my own thing - that was not okay. He wanted me by the phone and home waiting for his possible call.

 

 

I have been on my own since 18, raised my now 14 yr old for the past 6 yrs on my own and am very independent and have always had my space. I know what I want all around, it's just obtaining that takes the time.

 

 

Anyway - we moved in with him last May 03. A lot of traumatic things happend to me within 6 weeks that NOW I know the reprecussions emotionally and mentally - anyway, my ex fiance (now) expected me to snap my fingers and get better. He ended up leaving us the week of xmas. No explanation - nothing. Just that it "had to be this way for now" and he doesn't think in a relationship that we should fight even once a year.

 

 

The weekend after Valentine's Day - he showed up at my door begging to come back and that he missed us and loved us. I told him no because if he loved me he never would've left me when I needed him the most. After that night, he constantly was calling and showing up, emailing me, begging for a second chance. When I called him on it to see if he was bluffing after his first attempt - I suggested we go to a therapist to discuss it to see if we could work it out or otherwise we can use it as closure. He then emailed me with a lengthy email basically saying it wasn't the right time for that but eventually. When I told him I was calling his bluff - that is when he got more stalkerest with me!

 

 

I've been dating this awesome guy since Friday the 13th - 2/13 and he is older and amazing and we have connected so quickly and have already professed our deep love. What I learned is that this man has secretly liked me for a year! We work in the same real estate office and see him everyday!

 

 

Needless to say - my ex was soooo upset because I finally told him this because I didn't know how else to get him to leave me alone and he said to me - "at least you could have waited until after April 10th to begin dating out of respect for our wedding date!!!!"

 

 

So what I am saying in a round about way is that, when someone leaves you for a break or break up - there is a reason and I do not believe in second chances unless at least a year has gone by and you cannot shake them still.

 

 

I believe in staying true and strong to yourself and not give in to the one who wants to come back - at least if you want to work it out - wait at least a good 3 months.

 

 

I have a copy of "how to get your ex back" if anyone is interested i can email it to you.

 

 

I read it and did what it said and I ended up not wanting my ex back. I am myself again as I too lost myself with this man. I am the woman he first fell in love with years ago and now he wants me back. The only thing is - I looked within myself and changed my behaviors he has not which means he will be who he is for a very long time unless he can be honest with himself. My brother told him that he had a woman who was there for the long run and he blew it and now he realizes it and is scrambling to get it back - but can't now because I have found the man who was truly meant for me.

 

 

Stay true to yourself - this is the only way you'll know. If it doesn't feel right in your heart - don't take that chance. The heart rules.

 

 

I hope all of you find the peace I have. It is amazing when you finally get to where you've always desired in love.

 

 

Take care - coursingthru

[Geoffrey]

That sounds good to me.

 

Back to my problems....:-)

 

She asked me for time, no problem, I am giving it to her...the other guy now doesn't want much to do with her. Either he's moved on or he's too mired in his own problems to be there for her right now. She said they haven't really said much to each other for the last 10 days. She is now feeling very rejected by him, and this is making her feel worse. She said "He doesn't want me."

 

But WAIT!!!! I WANT HER.

 

coursingthru, she and I broke up almost a year ago...and it's been three months since she and I talked about possibly restarting our relationship...and we can't quite seem to "shake" each other...so I think we almost fit your criteria....

 

She's been contacting me by phone a little more often, but she's still very confused....hurt from being "dumped" by the other guy, still a little afraid to completely trust me...maybe she's waiting for him to make up his mind?? (I haven't asked her that yet) we did talk about getting together...but she and I agree it's too soon. We really WANT to see each other...but her emotions are running so high right now that it would just be too much for her. I understand, and want her to be at least 98% certain she REALLY wants to see me before I drive the 675 miles to where she lives...I think that's reasonable, no?

 

More time, more time, more time....I'm just going with the flow at this point...waiting really sucks...and there are no guarantees on either end.....

[coursingthru]

If I were you - I wouldn't wait. Not that you see anyone else - but from what I just read - she still wants him and you want her. That should be answer enough for you on what to do - NOT drive the 675.

 

 

If she is at least 50% sure with you - I personally - if it were me - would drive half the way to see you - meet half way.

 

 

This was one thing with my ex - once he found out I was with someone else - he told me it was temporary and will realize his love for me and he wasn't giving up but will for now. He told me he knew now why I was struggling with the decision to take him back, but I told him there was no struggle - I don't want him back.

 

 

He left for no valid reason. I can't take someone's "it needs to be this way for now" without a reason! I did wait for him - pathetically I became a woman I never was before with him. It wasn't until I pulled myself together and realized what a selfish man he truly was, was when I snapped out of it.

 

 

I remember him telling me that he was the best thing I ever had. Guess what? I have a man even better and selfless, just as I am.

 

 

I feel you should resist her for awhile - maybe then having you not jumping at every chance to have her in any way - might give her more of the thought of who she wants. I know my ex was used to me being there and taking him back and now I am not and it has him floored because he thought he was my world.

 

 

I feel if you remove yourself - as hard as it is - I KNOW THIS TRUST ME!!

 

 

Step back and watch what she does. Because she may have the attitude my ex does - "they'll always be there for me no matter what". But how much emotional and mental abuse can one take? You're not responsible for her feelings. Only yours.

 

 

You can do this and like I said - give it time and see what happens, but you have to pull back to an extent - once she see's your pulling away or may lose you - who knows.

[Geoffrey]

coursingthru,

 

Thanks for your quick reply...no, I am NOT going the 675....NOT YET.

 

Right now, she is very emotionally vulnerable, and afraid to trust anyone, that is how the other guy got to her when I broke up with her last year (and I had a reason). I have pulled back considerably, she has other life issues above and beyond the "other guy," believe me. About a week ago, she said she really needed friendship right now...and that is fine with me. I can do that. When I went through my period of confusion almost a year ago now, she didn't tell me to get lost.

 

She isn't sure if she wants him now or not. She says that when she was finally ready to move ahead with him, he just "shut down" emotionally. She is not the first one he has done this to. That's a big RED FLAG in my book, and I told her that. BTW, this is another LDR, between them.

 

She is fully aware that I am not going to wait forever...I'm thinking maybe 5 or 6 more weeks...before asking for a status report. She did say she felt guilty preventing me from living my life while she gets her life together, I am moving ahead with other things....my business, my kids, myself. And I told her this.

 

I know that I am not emotionally ready to "dive into" a new relationship at this point. I am just trying to be a friend, I am one of maybe two people she can REALLY talk to at this point. She really doesn't have anyone else close to her like me who knows the situation. I just wouldn't want to abandon her completely, she is having such a hard time right now with so many other things. It wouldn't be the right thing to do. I left her once already, caused her a great deal of pain, I'm NOT going to do it again!!!!

 

Maybe "being there" through this time will carry the day. I know she was there for me even when I had no interest in pursuing her. I feel it is the least I can do for her right now.

[dlb311]

First let me start by saying I have posted here. My ex of 2 yrs broke up with me saying need time and space. So I moved on I was like you expect me to wait. If it was the other way around he would not wait around for me. So I started my life with out him. Then he came back 4 months later. Said he was going through changes school, career started, we were going to move in together. So I said he is human we all make mistakes. But I told him if you don't try to make this work its over no friendship afterward nothing. He said okay but we are going to be together forever. Things were great then after 2 months he started pushing me away. saying he isn't ready yet to get married and I never brought up the subject either. I was like okay what are we he said we are like we were but we aren't going to plan out our future. Well needless to say I felt his distance so I backed off. Last time I felt his distance I held on tighter that didn't work So I decided to let him have his space. He has changed completely since we were together before. He still loved me and was the same that way but friends wise he was like if he wasn't where they were he was missing out on the fun like a child. Anyway I was hurt because he just wasn't in it whole heartly anymore. It was like one day he would call 5 times a day and be like I love you you are so beautiful I miss you when can I see you. let do this...and then the next we wouldn't call at all? I was so confused so I finally spoke up I was like this isn't fare. He said he isn't sure he isn't ready right now for a commitment and that he wants this just not right now. I was like are you serious you came back and now you want to bail again and say just not right now. I was like if you want to through this away tell me? and he was like I just don't think its going to work right now. No he wasn't willing to work it out relationships take compromising and communication which he wasn't willing to do he just wanted to end it because he felt like well umm I want to play with my friends and I love you and you are what I want I love spending my time with you and you are such a good girlfriend and i love you being my girlfriend his exact words.

 

Anyway so that is why I think it BS because when someone loves you and wants to be with you they are they don't leave and if there is a problem then you work it out together. I know men need alot more space then woman and some woman need more space from men. But we can be in a relationship and still be independant that is why our society and world has changed so much. Because in a relationship both people have their own careers, and hobbies and things they like to do with out the other.

 

Anyway if someone tells you they want time and space move on.. I know its so hard I thought this was the man I was going to marry I swear to you I 100% had no doubt in my mine I would marry him have children with him and grow old with him and die with him. But I somewhere he lost it or something and time and space is crap to me. You love me then don't use me I am not something you can have and then put aside when you feel like its to cramed somewhere in your life. I am human with feelings and its wrong. I am never looking back I have learned my lesson the hard way.

 

I know sometimes it works out but think of it they are putting you on the self till they feel they miss you or that they need you again. They are very selfish. They don't understand that time and space is breaking us.. its consuming our lives and its not fare.

 

well that is all I will say you all use your best judgment I know I had to take him back to know for sure but in the end I hate him and before I didn't. That isn't a good feeling at all....

[MarKus]

Mollyanna,

 

thanks for your reply,

 

as soon as i recieved the message this morning, the first thing i thought was, she's only texting me when she wants something, and that kind of irritated me a bit.

 

Surely she must know that it would hurt my feelings trying to print those photographs in the darkroom, watching her face appear while i put the paper through the developing trays, i dont need this, it is bad enough as it is.

 

she looked stunning in those shots, and i have left them in my portfolio, i have had to bit my lip over the past few months to try not to take them out and look at them, let alone print them out for her.

 

god why is she doing this to me, she used to be obsessingly in love with me, telling me how she felt.

I 'Knew' how much in love with me she was, she would always put ME and my feelings FIRST, now she is doing this. Arrgh!

 

So mollyanna, how is your situation?

pm me if you want to, it would be nice to talk 2 u.

 

MarKus

[MarKus]

But i have kinda got talking to this girl in college (who is in a lower group of photography than me), i have only seen her 3 times and today was the only first proper time i have got talking to her alone, it was only for a half an hour though, but i like her and it kinda looks like shes interested in me.

 

God it works wonders!!!!!!

It took my mind of my gf/ex for a while!

 

Ill probably see her in college next week and see how it goes!

[Mollyanna]

MarKus: I think it might be a good idea to replace her in your portfolio just as you are looking to replace her in your life. Surely there are many fine looking subjects you can photograph that will bring you less pain. And do you ever think that maybe you find those particular photographs worthy of your portfolio just because of the emotions you hold behind them? just a thought...

 

As for my situation. I am not sure what is going to happen. Like I have said, even though we broke up after Valentine's Day, we still talk everyday on the phone at least an hour and get together once or twice a week (usually involving mutual friends and/or his children) and a single week hasn't went by that we haven't spent the night together once. We had a talk this week and I finally got up the nerve to ask - "What are we doing? Are we really broken up cause it doesn't feel that way." We have decided that really we are dating. So, I guess all we have done is slow down. I am still able to date other people. He is too, but he says he doesn't plan on it for a long while because he just isn't ready to get involved with anyone. He doesn't want to love anyone and doesn't want anyone to love him. He never intended to care about me. This Sunday will be 3 months that we have been "together". I can't believe it has been such a short amount of time yet so many emotions and heartfelt talks occurring already.

 

I know this isn't the ideal situation for me to be in, but I have never felt like this with anyone. I am so totally myself and better when with him. I can be having the most horrible day and just hearing his voice stops the tears and brings a smile to my face. And today his 8 year old called me and asked me to come over tonight and hang out with them. (i couldn't because I am out of town).

 

I guess I have a different variation of time and space than anyone else on here. I need to give him time to get over the hurt of what his ex-wife did to destroy his life. I need to give him time to get to know me better and see that I would never hurt him that way. And I am trying with the space thing... but not too much because we do need each other - we are just limiting it to once or twice a week.

Our relationship was fairly new when he got scared and broke things off. So maybe I should stay in there for a while? What do you think?

[Mollyanna]

oh and Markus... I think it is WONDERFUL that you are becoming interested in someone else. I find that when someone is interested in me, I become a happier, sexier, fun-to-be-around person. I glow. And how can my ex resist that?

 

When I went on those 2 dates with another guy last week, my ex suddenly started to come around a little more. At first I thought it was jealousy, but then I realized how much happier I have been this week and how much easier I laugh and see that I am optimistic and clever and funny and flirty and less self conscious.

 

I think meeting someone else could do you a world of good!

[Geoffrey]

Yeah...I had a lunch date last week....it sure took my mind off my situation for a couple of hours.....

 

There's hope for all of us....we need to ask ourselves.....do we think we deserve better than we're getting right now??

 

I can't help but feel that I do....

[MarKus]

Mollyanna,

 

 

Yes try to hang in there, but he should really be telling you where you both stand,

you said he just isnt ready to get involved with anyone, so where does that leave you

and he says he dosnt want to love anyone, and no one to love him, how do you feel about that?

sorry i havnt been much help

 

 

Im going to try and get this girls number next week, and to chat with her some more and see how it pans out, i like a challenge, and i kinda feel better in myself, like you said happier, sexier fun-to-be around person,

it would probably make my gf/ex jealous if she saw me with around another girl.

 

 

Geoff,

 

Yes mate, we do deserve better than the **** were getting right now!

[Mollyanna]

Geoffrey and MarKus - Yeah we all deserve better - that is for sure. But who says we aren't working our way toward it? We can't expect happiness to just be handed to us. In the meantime, we become stronger, more independent people. Maybe we don't trust as much anymore but that makes us a little less niave, doesn't it?

 

As for how my guy stands - I was his first serious relationship other than his wife in 15 years. It scared him. He hadn't planned to care about me but he does. I am not surrendering myself to him. I am still keeping my eyes open for other options, but I am praying that once his hurt wears off - he will be the marrying type once again. (he stated to me the other day that he thanked god every day that he was married, so how can he now say he will never get married again?) I think he will come around. Maybe I will be there when he does... maybe I won't...

[MarKus]

So are you 'sure' that he will come around?

Sounds like you love this bloke to bits, and he is a lucky fella to have someone like you to love him.

 

How long are you going to be prepared to wait until he comes around?

 

If/when his hurt does wear off, i dont think you should get married right away, only when the time is right for the both of u.

[Mollyanna]

MarKus: I don't know how long I will wait. I suppose I will wait until I am so unhappy that I can't bear to love him anymore. Yes, i do think I love him which to me is crazy considering we have only been dating for 3 months. But I hurt for him. When he talks about the pain he went through with his ex, I cry. When he discusses how much he misses his kids, I cry. I hurt as much as if it was happening to myself.

 

But i have to be true to myself as well. I want more than anything to be loved the way that he loved her - the way that I see my brother loves his wife, and my best friend loves her husband. I have never felt that intense kind of love from anyone before. And damn it, I am 31 years old - it is time that I get back what I have given, ya know?

[Pebbles59]

Mollyanna...

sounds like I'm in the same situation as you are!!! My question to you is, and this is what I have a problem with...

 

keeping the option open for other guys, even though you're interested in him. In all honesty, are you able to be interested in other guys while hoping, wishing and wanting something with this guy? How does your mindset do that?

 

I spend a lot of time with my guy, though he tells me he's not able to give more (he's been hurt, etc), and that if someone else interests me, to keep that option open. Now he knows I'm interested in him...so if I give him my time...I will not want to be interested in anyone else. Does that make sense?

 

I'm not sure how much this is making sense (I'm at work and not able to read and put my thought process down, etc...I apologize for that).

 

Pebbles

[Mollyanna]

Pebbles: It wasn't easy for me for me at first. No one compares to X. Everyone else comes up short in comparison. But then someone came along who sparked something a little different in me. He was the complete opposite of X and intrigued me in another way. And I appreciated the admiration he gave me. I was able to go on 2 dates with him - and while I didn't have as much fun as what I have with X, I still was able to forget about X a little bit while on a date with this other guy.

 

I also keep in mind what my goals are - that I want a family. And if X is never ready to join in that hope with me, then I HAVE to move on. So I am just preparing myself little by little. It may be a long long while before I think of any other guy seriously, but in the meantime I am finding what I want and don't want.

 

MarKus and Geoffrey: What is the update? What's going on guys?