"needing Time And Space"

[sweetadeline]

Hi Mollyanna and BlueHeavens,

 

It's really good to hear from both of you! I was thinking about the two of you this weekend and wondering how you were doing. Weekends are the hardest time for me, and I was wondering if that was true of the two of you as well. Of course I've been going out with friends, but sooner or later I have to go back to my empty apartment, and that's when the sadness kicks in. Still, things are getting a little easier--is that true for you two as well?

 

Mollyanna, I've heard of the book you mentioned! Let us know if you would recommend it. As for your trip, it sounds as if it is coming at just the right time. It will give you a chance to think about the questions you raised in your post without the distraction caused by the possibility of seeing X. Also, I think there's something about traveling alone, even for work, that reminds us that we *can* take care of ourselves--something that might be especially important for all of us to remember right about now.

 

BlueHeavens, you haven't mentioned anything about your situation in a while--is that because you're coping well or because you just don't want to revisit the subject?

 

I want to thank you both for your responses to my question last week (about contacting my ex-person). I finally worked up the nerve to send him an e-mail saying that I'd thought about one pattern of behavior I'd fallen into in our relationship, that I'd realized it was a pattern I wanted to outgrow regardless of whether I was dating someone, and that I could see how it would have made him feel unable to show his vulnerabilities (one of his complaints). I ended by saying that I had realized specific ways I could break this habit if he were willing to try again, and that he should contact me if that possibility interested him. I think I was hoping that my honesty/willingness to take responsibility would elicit some response from him, even if he said that he didn't want to try again. But I haven't heard back from him--and feel very strongly now that I won't. Sigh.

 

Anyway, happy Monday to both of you, and to Mollyanna, have a good trip!

 

sweetadeline

[BlueHeavens]

Molly~

 

I think this trip is perfect timing! I never have to travel for work, but I have friends who do, and it's sometimes difficult to get in touch with them when they're on the road. This is a perfect time for you to sort of "come up for air" and see how you do on your own...and also how he does on his own. 2 weeks is a fairly long time...you may find that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" on his part, or that he's already moved on to another person to distract him. Either sort of info is useful. I know you're hoping for the first type...

 

I read an interesting post on a thread called transitioning-friends and lovers-how can I get closer to a guy- posted by someone named Red Flag Rick and I think it might be helpful to you. It bowled me over with insight on how to sort of look at the dating situation in a different way. To sum up, it's so easy for us girls to want to help out our "sad/damaged/emotionally unavailable/otherwise flawed" boys...and when does that ever really pan out? It's interesting. I suggest you take a look at it. I know I am going to give it some serious thought for myself. Waiting for someone to get their head out of their %$@! is very frustrating, and I'm not sure it's very successful.

 

 

Adeline~

 

There is nothing worse than having a great evening w/friends and coming home to a lonely place. Right now I am more grateful than ever for my darling cat, who totally knows something is not right...but still...not the same. Weekends are the hardest time for me too. Ahh...it's frustrating.

 

I haven't said much about my situation lately bc I guess I'm coping all right. I mean...there is nothing I can do to change it. I must move on and learn from it whatever I can. I have had 2 emails from his friends saying that they don't know what is wrong with him, they think he is crazy, etc...and they both didn't know what had happened for a month...so he's not broadcasting his idiocy...er...I mean life status change. In a way I felt slightly better after reading those...but then I realized it doesn't matter if we all think he's lost his mind. He's gone...period. Probably moping on his couch with the blinds closed watching reruns on the SciFi channel feeling sorry for himself. It was odd because he had blocked me on instant messenger for weeks and suddenly I can see him again. But since I never pestered him anyway, by phone or IM or email or any other method, I couldn't figure out why he did that in the first place, and I'm not likely to suddenly contact him now. Ugh. What a disappointment.

 

In regard to your situation, it sounds like regardless of whether or not you hear from him, you feel ok about having sent that email. Sometimes writing an email like that can actually help you solidify your thoughts...in a way, it might actually have done you more good than him. If you do hear from him, great, but if not, then you know you're doing good work on yourself, which is also great!

 

Happy Monday to you guys too! I did the MS walk yesterday (with my personal trainer so of course we walked 10 miles instead of 6 as the Walk ususally is) so I am so darned sore! But for such a good reason!

 

Seriously though, through these tough times my new buds on this board have helped give me a clarity that my friends here can't because we're all too close to the situation. I think this place is wonderful, and so are all you guys!

[sweetadeline]

Hi BlueHeavens,

 

Since we both agreed that weekends are the hardest time, I'm thinking of you this weekend and wondering how you're coping. I'm running around a lot, which is somewhat helpful, but is starting to interfere with my work (I'm a teacher and always have to grade papers/plan lessons on weekends!). Every weekend is a little easier, though--is that true for you as well?

 

I'm glad to hear that at least the friends of your ex are giving you some support. You also seem to have a great attitude. I think you're right that the important thing now is to focus on what we can each learn from these experiences. That can be a hard perspective to adopt, because it means recognizing that the relationship is over. Which, I suppose, is what I learned from sending that e-mail to which I received no reply. Thanks for supporting me in that decision. As you suggest, I am glad I sent it, and gladder still of the inner work that went into writing it, even if the lack of response was a painful confirmation that I need to let go.

 

Anyway, speaking of inner work, I did see some of the messages sent by RedFlagRick. There's one message in particular that seems very useful--a long description of how he determined his criteria for a potential guy and what kinds of red flags he learned to look for. I copied it into a Word document on my computer and can send it to you if you like--just let me know.

 

Good luck this weekend!

 

sweetadeline

[happypoop]

My live-in girlfriend of 4 years told me 2 months ago she needed space. We decided to get our own places (which sucks because they are still in the same development) and now following move-out day 1 week ago, she told me we should have a no contact period. This of course included the standard, "I love you" and "I need some space" kinda stuff. My question, however, is if humping my former girlfriends in the time that we are apart is going to be detrimental to us possibly rekindling the flame. Our breakup was only a week ago and I love her, miss her, and to be honest I don't want to be with anyone else, but I'm looking for an easy way to cope and was wondering if anyone else has experienced this scenario? Any suggestions are appreciated.

[meanttolive4ever]

well..i had the choice of breaking up or just having time apart...i couldnt stand being apart so i said just break up..cause it was gonna hurt either way. Then after we broke up he asked if it was official..why did he ask me that?

[Mollyanna]

sweetadeline and blueheavens:

 

how are you guys? I hope you are faring well. i'm still on the emotional rollercoaster of X. This makes 3 months we have been playing this game.... and I wonder why I stick with it... and everytime I even start to think "Today is the day I have had enough" he will come through in some way to me that is so amazing that I just can't let him go. Do you think that is on purpose? Do you think he sees I am getting ready to run and so he acts accoringly or is this just the way we are meant to be right now...

[sweetadeline]

Hey Mollyanna! Good to hear from you. I was thinking about you last Friday and wondering how your business travels were going. Hopefully all went well. . . .

 

As for your question, it's hard to know how to respond. I have heard other people say that just when they felt ready to leave a relationship, their s.o. would turn on the charm/warmth/lovin' (consciously or un) and they would end up staying. A non-virtual friend of mine is in that situation right now--every time her (alcoholic) boyfriend senses that he's alienated her completely, he starts being the intimate, warm, attentive guy she originally fell for--and she ends up staying. Of course, dating an alcoholic is a very different situation than the one you're describing. But I do wonder if this come-closer, go-away pattern can become addictive for those of us on the receiving end.

 

Maybe you could try just being more mindful of how your moods affect X's interaction with you. That is, rather than making any decision or declaration right now, what about just pledging to notice how X interacts with you, to be more aware of what happens between you rather than getting so caught up in it? Let's say you pledge to do that for a short period of time, such as a week or two. Maybe if you can just notice the pattern between you guys for that length of time, without putting yourself under pressure to Do Something Now, you will gain more clarity. And maybe that's enough of a goal for the moment.

 

Let me know if that makes any sense!

 

Anyway, I am doing somewhat better--thanks for asking. I sent my ex a DVD he'd lent me when we were still together along with a letter. A bad move from a tactical standpoint, but I needed some closure, and it was clear that I was never going to get it from him. Now I'm trying to move forward--that is, not to get caught up in sad or bitter thoughts such as "how-could-someone-who-cared-about-me-just-disappear-from-the-face-of-the-earth."

 

But as the pain recedes, I am a bit worried that I may end up repeating the same patterns/mistakes again. I know that every relationship is different, and that there's no way I can wave a magic wand and make myself into a new person overnight. But b/c of the reason my ex gave for breaking things off (that I am too insecure for him), it's hard not to fear that I will reproduce the same pattern with the next guy--and scare him off as well. Maybe this too is just a stage in the healing process??

 

BlueHeavens--I don't think I ever responded to your post last weekend about the 25-year-old. You GO, girl! Sounds like a very lovely experience to have had whether or not it goes anywhere!

[BlueHeavens]

meanttolive4ever--

 

Really, you have to wonder, if he gave you that choice, why he would ask? Great question, and you're not nuts for wondering. Maybe the weight of his actions just hit him or something. I wish I had an answer for you...it sounds like maybe you took the choice he didn't expect you to take. But in that case, you are absolutely right in doing what you think is best for you. I hope you're doing ok now.

 

Molly~

 

I think Adeline's advice is great. I know in my own experience it's very tough to see the forest for the trees...tough to get an objective view on the situation when you're in the middle of it. Have those business trips helped with that? Also...another consideration...consider how this emotional roller coaster may be making you feel--up and down, excited and sad, frustrated...who knows? It sounds like it's getting to the point that he has to do something extraordinary to keep you from being upset. Is that correct? If so, why does he let it get to that point before "saving" it, or is he maybe on some level hoping that one of his heroic moves won't be enough? Just a thought...otherwise, how are things?

 

Adeline~

 

I'm not sure why returning his DVD is a bad tactical move unless the letter was the part that you're not peaceful with. I totally understand your thought about how could he just drop off the face of the earth? I don't understand it either. I guess I've decided not to try to figure out a guy who doesn't understand himself. I don't think I knew of any particular excuse he had given you...insecurity? Is there a way in which you feel that it might be rearing hits head? Do you feel like you are insecure, or was this his assessment of you? If you feel that his assessment is legitimate, and you choose to work on feeling more confident in yourself, I doubt the issue will arise in a future relationship.

 

 

As for me...I am feeling frustrated. So ex im'ed me like a week ago, I and I'm not sure what he wanted. Since then he has been blocking me again. I am so amazed at his level of chickenness. Getting hit on by a cute 25 year old was fun but since he didn't call me or return the one call I gave him I realize why even when I was actually 25 I got pretty tired of insincere flirtation. I've posted a personal ad and had no one remotely interesting reply. It's just plain frustrating. Ah well...not terminal!

[jk]

Originally posted by bicylejunk

I once read a post on here a long time ago when I was first going thru my 4 year break-up with

my ex. It said :

 

***If 2 people can communicate, bring out the best in each other, support each other emotionally and

work thru silly problems and still have joy, they are a great match. There will always be 1000's of choices

out there even though you Love the one you're with. There will always be other possiblities, people who may look better,

make you laugh more, BUT if you can look at your bf/gf and deep down know that "you could do different" But "You will

never do Better" then he/she is the one for you, Don't risk losing him/her because there are no definites in this world,

nobody's perfect and life is too short.***

 

I've just never understood why "finding yourself" as an individual means that you must get rid of your special someone.

If you love him/her, but your feeling lost, why get rid of him/her so soon? Why not sort things out together, set new boundries?

Needing space is just a cop out it seems. It's a manipulation of your loved one's feelings, emotions, understanding & Trust.

You won't "find yourself" in another's arms. I think you find yourself in the eyes of the people who love you and depend on you.

When you cut them off, You're sort of running away from responability in a way. If things are great in the relationship, but

you're having doubts, I wish more people would talk it out and try and stay put so that you could face those fears together.

That's what I wanted with my Ex. But she was just so confused with everything. She wanted to be with me, But she wanted to

be on her own. I tried to help her, but didn't want to invade that space she said she needed. As it stands right now, She

is still not ready to give me her all, so I just need to slowly but surely move on even though it hurts.

 

My story is under my other name, LearningToCope. I just haven't gotten the e-mail to register yet but jk is the name I registered with.

 

When my bf of almost 3 years said he needed a break, he was confused and said exactly in the words you said. He wanted to be with me, but he wanted to be on his own. I asked him why we couldn't just stay together and work things out and set new boundaries. He said no. He wanted to be on his own for a while. I respected that decision even though it hurt like hell, as I was prepared to leave him a week before and he started crying and shaking when I was on the verge of leaving. I'm just confused. A week ago he says he can't imagine being without me and then this. I'm giving him his space because I love him a lot and I want to see us grow stronger from this. I know that I probably scared him away. I think about it now and I probably "overtended" the relationship a bit too much. Just like when you water a plant too much and it dies. But what's done is done and I'm learning from my mistakes. This past week and a half has been hard, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

[Mollyanna]

well just to give you guys an update:

Yesterday X and I broke it off for good and we are no longer even friends. I was afraid that would happen. We "broke up" for 4 1/2 hours and I told him I never want to see him again. (that is why the conversation was so long, I had a lot to say considering it would be my last conversation with him).

 

I hate him. I cried and cried and cried and he sat there with a cold look on his face and just watched me. he wouldn't answer any of my questions or comment on any of my statements. He made no effort whatsoever to make me feel better.

 

The thing is, we were on our way home from a canoeing trip where we had just a wonderful time. He even said that. Somehow on the drive home I brought up the fact though that he wasn't being as affectionate as usual. The next thing I know, we arrive at his house to pick up some stuff for the cookout we are going to and he tells me that we are done. And he says he has known we were done since February and he is sorry for leading me on but he has no emotional attachment to me. He said if I walked out the door right now and he never saw me again, that would be unfortunate but he wouldn't shed a tear. What the hell!!! that is not the same guy I have known all these months. then he has the nerve to say - well let's go. they are waiting on us! He still wanted to go to the cookout together!

 

I am so hurt and upset. I guess he was just using me for sex. (although I am not sure why we talked on the phone every single day during these last 3 months and why he still kept me in his kids' lives.)

 

I wrote him an email today that told him how much i hated him and all the reasons why. Yesterday all I had talked about was how much I cared about him and how things could have been different and all the things that happened between us. And he sat there like stone. he wall was so high and so thick. But yet he held me forever when we said goodbye.

 

I will never understand men. i am better off alone.

[jk]

Mollyanna,

 

Your story sounds a bit similar to mine. Everything was going fine, and then I brought up that he wasn't being as affectionate as usual. That's how he told me he needed "space." He said a number of things: that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore, he wasn't sure if I was the one, that I would find someone else and get over him eventually. He just needed space because he was confused about what he wanted. It's been a week and a half now and I saw him briefly yesterday at church. He looked happy to see me- he just smiled and waved.

 

At least you know now that you can finally move on, that he wasn't worth all the emotional pain. He was a jerk and didn't deserve you. You can finally get off this emotional roller coaster he's been putting you through.

 

Take care.

[BlueHeavens]

Molly!

 

Blah!!!!!

 

That sounds like you're really not having fun right now! It is so odd, isn't it, when people drop a bombshell like that on you then expect you to go have a fun evening. Who can say what the straw was...it sounds like he was hoping to kind of have you as some sort of companion (apparently not emotional, but really, only time will tell him that), as long as you were up for it. I'd guess that in some way he was hoping you'd still want to stick around and be friends or interested in an only physical relationship. It sounds pretty selfish that he's known about how he feels since February and only shared it with you now.

 

However....as much as this sucks...I think you'll actually feel better now that you really must move on, and take care of yourself. It's gonna be a heck of a week or two, maybe....but sure enough, all of a sudden, I bet you'll feel absolutely liberated from this back and forthing. In the meantime, having been there myself, my thoughts are with you. Hang in there...

[sweetadeline]

oh mollyanna!!!

 

I am SO sorry.

 

First, I don't think you should blame yourself (if you are) for having brought up the issue of his diminishing affection. In fact, it's probably good that you commented on it. Otherwise, who knows how long he would have been willing to keep hanging out with you--on his terms?

 

As for the breakup scene itself, I know exactly what you mean about the contradiction b/w what they say and what they do. My ex and I also held each other for ages as we were saying goodbye (though I didn't realize that's what we were doing at the time, of course). He even cried with me when he told me that he needed time alone. And yet nothing I said during that conversation changed his mind--and other than one brief e-mail, I never heard from him again.

 

Which is my long-winded way of saying that I think the coldness you're describing, and his comment that he wouldn't shed a tear if you left, are his survival strategies. I wonder if some (many? all?) men just aren't very good at experiencing/expressing shades of emotion--they can do "on" or "off," but not much in between. So maybe he finally found the you-know-whats to hit the "off" switch, and having hit it, he didn't know how to do anything but push it all the way to the floor. After all, at some level, he must feel a sense of loss--otherwise, why did it take him three months to finally end things for good? But he clearly can't admit to himself, let alone to you, that he's feeling that way. So instead he detaches and says mean things b/c those are the only ways that he knows to finally hit "off."

 

I guess that still doesn't explain why he would hold you. Anyone else want to take a crack at explaining that one? I've had all the digging into the male psyche that I can handle for one post.

 

Anyway, Mollyanna, I do agree w/BlueHeavens and jk that it's better to be off the roller coaster. But that doesn't mean it won't be painful. Remember to post when and if you need to.

 

BlueHeavens: I too am amazed at the degree of chickenness exhibited by your ex. Too bad there isn't a service that we could hire to show up at our exes' doors and sing "Oooh, look at the little girlie-man" in a fake Schwarzenegger accent (remember that old SNL skit?). As for the 25-year-old, it's too bad that he didn't call, but enjoy the ego boost of his attention nonetheless. I agree that a lot of people get caught up in flirtation for its own sake. I've never liked that either.

 

Re personals ads: yes, I put one up too. What service did you use? I have had good results with Nerve.com in the past, though I'm avoiding it now b/c that is how I met the most recent girlie-man ex. Still, it tends to attract interesting people, even if some of them are self-centered commitmentphobic jerks. Wait, does that outburst mean I'm not really ready to date again?

 

jk: I'm so sorry about your experience as well. It does sound as if you've managed to learn some important things already, though. I too am guilty of "overtending" relationships, I think. What is it that makes us do that, and how can we learn to stop? B/c I don't see too many guys making that particular mistake.

[BlueHeavens]

Originally posted by sweetadeline

oh mollyanna!!!

 

 

 

Too bad there isn't a service that we could hire to show up at our exes' doors and sing "Oooh, look at the little girlie-man" in a fake Schwarzenegger accent (remember that old SNL skit?). /

 

Oh man. I am laughing my butt off! In a way, he is a girle-man. I am taller than he, and though not overweight probably weigh a good 30lbs more. HAHAHA! I kind of want to do that myself!!!!!!! Or perhaps the next strapping young man I choose to date can do it (ha.). I have an ad on Match.com. Still limited success. Maybe that is a blessing, right?

 

Molly, I think Adeline has a great point when she thinks your ex was in survival mode. I totally agree. You really don't know if he just leaned against the door and WAILED after you left. The fact that my ridiculous ex said that our situation "tortured" him (his word) totally amazed me, because he was the one making the choices that led to his own torture. Go figure.

 

Another thing, Molly...I think perhaps that wonderful gift of hindsight might help put things in perspective too. Maybe neither of you was doing anything "wrong" per se, but only "wrong" for each other...

 

Hang in.

[jk]

Originally posted by sweetadeline

 

jk: I'm so sorry about your experience as well. It does sound as if you've managed to learn some important things already, though. I too am guilty of "overtending" relationships, I think. What is it that makes us do that, and how can we learn to stop? B/c I don't see too many guys making that particular mistake.

 

sweetadeline,

 

You were speculating as to why when guys break up with you they want to hold you and be all affectionate. Well, my "ex" tried to do that with me, but I wouldn't let him. I was puzzled by his body language. My friend told me that maybe they don't know what else to do- they hurt you but somehow they want to make things better and that's the only way they know how to. I dunno- I think it's that they are just so confused in the head as it is. Otherwise they wouldn't be asking us for this space!

 

For me, the reason for "overtending" the relationship was because I wanted things to work out. I really did, so I put in the effort, but it was too much, now that I look back. Sometimes you should just let the relationship take its course. That's not to say that you shouldn't communicate when you feel something's wrong. I think there has to be an effort made by both partners to work things out. If one partner does all the tending, then the other partner is going to feel overwhelmed, even belittled, with all the emotions and problems that are being brought to the surface. The other partner feels pushed into a corner with no way out. I think us women tend to "overtend" because we are emotional creatures, whereas men are just more go with the flow. Eventually these differences are going to conflict. I'm not saying that I drove him away by overtending, because my ex said that I was doing all the giving, and he was just taking and not giving anything in return.

[Dixiecron]

Hey Mollyanna,

 

I myself have made a pact to never ever ever get involved again with someone who is separated or still hasn't gotten over their divorce. Care to join me? While it is true that guys sometimes will say or do just about anything to get laid, I figure your ex's behavior has just as much to do with him being messed up in the head. I know it is easier said than done, but don't spend too much energy trying to analyze this one. For what it is worth, I've been able to deal with my own situation a bit better by doing some reading about dating after divorce, etc. True to the "standard post-divorce pattern", I myself was kicked to the curb a few months after my ex's papers were signed. Your whole situation here speaks well of your own character, and any failing was his, not yours.

 

Sweetadeline,

 

That Ahhnold joke brings back some great SNL memories. Candygram...

 

I wonder what the equivalent "home delivery" service would be for chickens--t ex girlfriends?

 

As for personal ads, I've actually had pretty good luck on craigslist. I'm getting about one date for every 5 ads I respond to, which is a great percentage for guys doing the internet thing. No new girlfriend yet, but even the worst date I've had from that site was nowhere near as bad as my ex could be.

[sweetadeline]

Hey dixiecron,

 

You know, if you have any good references to pass along on dating after divorce, I would *love* to know about them. Think they might explain a lot about my ex's behavior. Although he hadn't been married, he had been with someone for ten years--and he was still processing that relationship heavily when I hooked up with him, three years after it ended! Somehow I managed to avoid seeing that enormous red flag. . . .

 

Thanks for the tip about craigslist! Maybe I'll check out its dating possibilities--so far I've only used it for relatively safe bets like concert tickets and apartments.

 

I don't have any good ideas for an female-oriented alternative to the "girlie-man" song, unfortunately. But someone needs to rush into this vacuum for sure!

[JamVan]

JK, it really caught my attention when you stated "overtending" to a relationship. Well, this time the shoe lies on the man foot (me). My g/f and I went through the space thing before, as I have posted here and now we are together and since moving in three weeks ago have hit yet another stumbling block. I am inches from giving up and can't stand the day in day out feeling of what to do. Almost every time I see her I want to talk, finally she said give it a break, let things work out themselves and wait and see. She states she's not going to give up on us, but is sick of me (what she calls attacking) her every second were together. I can see this happening, but for me when something is wrong I need to know where it is going. If I step back and not continue to pry, it frightens me to think, well it might as well be over. She then says don't be so "rash" and ready to give up on things just give it time.

 

So my question is how do I step back and let the situation iron its self out? I need help, as I continue to feel overwhelmed with I need this time to be over and end up attacking her again and again, which puts us in the place of running in quicksand. Any help would be grealty appreciated.

 

As for the others you recently split for good. I do know the feelings of hurt, resentment and overall grief, but in time you will find yourselves again and find a person who is worthey of your love and willing to give it back just as much as you put in, that I believe. So stay strong!!!

[Mjfru]

I feel like it kind of works. My gf and I just recently broke up and we agreed to try to get back together at some point over the summer. Some people may feel that this won't work though, and that she won't come back to me or I won't even come back to her, but I feel like we will probably get back together and it will be better than before, because we have the feelings of loss, and we won't want to lose each other again. I may be wrong because that is what I hope happens for me but . . .

 

JamVan, I understand what you must be going through. My ex was someone who constantly wanted "space" to work out our problems too. The thing is that the space worked once. We took a break from each other a while back, and when we got back together we were so happy with each other because we needed that "time and space" to get through some of our problems. I'm just like you because she told me that breaking up we will have time to work around our problems we have been having lately (which was me attacking her and we were always fighting). The last few months were really rocky for us.

 

Anyway, I feel the need to always try to fix things just like you because if I don't then I also get frightened. I tried to get her to come back to me recently and she said that it was too soon, considering we only broke up around a week ago and I tried to get her back like 2 days ago. I can also relate when you say that even though you are going through this hurt that you still are attacking. I do it too. I am still getting mad at my ex for things and we aren't even together anymore. We are really close friends though because we are still in love with each other, I tend to get nervous. I am also waiting for August (when she and I will hopefully get back together), and I feel like everyday I just want to consume as much time as possible that way August will come quicker and hopefully I will be back with the girl I love. She says our chances are pretty good that we will get back together because of our past together, but I still sit here worried. But I know that I just have to pull through, and I feel like having this "time and space" away from each other will just make us much, much stronger once August rolls around.

 

The only thing is if one of us don't want to get back together then (in August). Then I will be waiting the whole time for nothing. So I'm going to try to date other people and move on, that way if she wants me back then I will be happy, and if it is a no, I will be ready for it. Time will tell . . . but to wrap up I feel that "time and space" helps out things for the better and that me and my ex will get back together and we will be happier than we were before, because we got to see what else is out there and decided that we were meant for each other.

[JamVan]

The toughest thing with working through problems is knowing the right answers...I think. I don't tend to know them and i think that's why I continuously freak out!!! I don't realize till after the fact that if I continue to push and pry and (almost) threaten that one time she'll just say go. I don't really want things to end and neither does she, but when things don't fix themselves immediately I get frustrated. I guess relationships are a bunch of work and I need to get a little stronger on that side of things and instead of being negative and pushing her away, try to put a positve spin on things. I want to stop pushing, but just don't know how to go about doing it.

[uhhuh]

I feel all of your pain. here is the situation I am going thru and it is driving me crazy. She said she needed a break but called 12 hrs later wanting me toi leave work so we can be together? Any advice here?

 

 

Was hoping to get some good advice. About a week ago my GF said that she needed time and space to see whether we were meant to be together. We always had a great relationship however we were getting ready to move up north so I could go to school. She was on board with this 100% or so I thought. She went on to say that she thought that I did not spend enough time with her friends and that she spent too much time trying to make me happy. So we had a nice 45 min conversation and got out the things we needed to say and hugged and kissed and said goodbye. I love her so much I had to give her the space she wanted. So I went to bed that night wondering when the next time I would talk to her again was. Well at 9:30am the next morning she called and said that she thought that she was making a big mistake and that she loved me so much and wanted things to work out.

 

I was very skeptical b/c of the things she said 12 hrs ago and said I think we need to give each other the space we decidied on to determine if that is what we really want (I know I want her and have told her this). We agreed on two weeks. Right b4 the weekend she emailed me and told me that she loved me and felt very positive that things were going to be alright in the end. My question is do you think it was wrong for me to tell her that we needed to stick to the 2 weeks? I dont want to lose her but, I also dont want her to turn back on her decision and this happen again 2 months from now. Regardless of the school situation I know we can work thigs out.

 

Also with the space I feel like I am waiting around for her and am starting to feel resentful b/c I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I know that she is not looking for anyone else rigtht now. I dont want that to hurt us if we wind up getting back together. Any comments or advice?

[Mollyanna]

Hey guys... I am having a real hard time with this. Even though yesterday I sent him that email saying how much I hate him (and sometimes I do) I still love him. Everything reminds me of him and it is all i can do not to pick up the phone and just act like nothing happened. The thing is...I know he would do the same. He would act like nothing happened too! We both are so good at avoiding conflict that we would joke around and laugh and pick on each other for probably an hour if I would call him right now.

 

That's also what bothers me. We were such good friends. He was one of my best friends. How can I never talk to him again? It hurts enough to think that I will never cuddle with him again or hold his hand or have him play with my hair... but to also think I have lost him from my life completely and can't even laugh with him anymore - that is killing me. All I do is cry. Thank God I am working from home all week but I am not getting much done. I am sooo depressed that all I want to do is crawl right back into bed.

 

I miss him so much already. What is it going to be like a week from now? I have never went more than a couple of days without talking to him in all these months and usually it was more like several times a day. How am I going to get through this?

[Dixiecron]

Sweetadeline,

 

The articles I read were for the most part in the divorce support section of about.com/people and the divorce section of enotalone.com. The first site also has a pretty good forum with an area dedicated to dating after a divorce.

[jk]

Originally posted by JamVan

JK, it really caught my attention when you stated "overtending" to a relationship. Well, this time the shoe lies on the man foot (me). My g/f and I went through the space thing before, as I have posted here and now we are together and since moving in three weeks ago have hit yet another stumbling block. I am inches from giving up and can't stand the day in day out feeling of what to do. Almost every time I see her I want to talk, finally she said give it a break, let things work out themselves and wait and see. She states she's not going to give up on us, but is sick of me (what she calls attacking) her every second were together. I can see this happening, but for me when something is wrong I need to know where it is going. If I step back and not continue to pry, it frightens me to think, well it might as well be over. She then says don't be so "rash" and ready to give up on things just give it time.

 

 

So my question is how do I step back and let the situation iron its self out? I need help, as I continue to feel overwhelmed with I need this time to be over and end up attacking her again and again, which puts us in the place of running in quicksand. Any help would be grealty appreciated.

 

As for the others you recently split for good. I do know the feelings of hurt, resentment and overall grief, but in time you will find yourselves again and find a person who is worthey of your love and willing to give it back just as much as you put in, that I believe. So stay strong!!!

 

JamVan,

To answer your question about how to take a step back and let the situation just "iron itself out," I would suggest just telling her how you feel. i.e., just using "I" statements- "I feel like..." After you tell her how you feel, don't expect an immediate response. Tell her that you will take a step back and whenever she is ready she can tell you how she feels. I don't know how or if your gf is good at communicating with you, but that's just a suggestion. Also, don't feel like you always have to be the one to bring up the issues. I know that bugged my bf tons. I guess we just have to learn to appreciate being with one another, rather than constantly bringing up every little thing that we feel that's wrong. Sometimes our insecurities surface when we feel that something is wrong. We all have these neurotic parts of ourselves filled with insecurities. I guess we have to learn how not to listen to those nagging feelings, and also discern what is really wrong in the relationship vs. what's wrong with ourselves. I don't know if that makes sense to you.

 

I'm trying to prepare myself for the time when my bf wants to talk about things again. Last night I looked out the window and I saw his car in front of my house. It was parked with the lights on still, with the engine running, and then 10 seconds he drove off. I know that he is misses me terribly and that he is suffering not being able to talk to me, even though it's been a little less than two weeks since our break started. I think I'm still bitter and angry that he had the audacity to say that his feelings toward me had changed, that he felt that I wasn't "THE ONE" anymore. Sometimes people don't realize what they've got til they lose it, and I think that's what my bf is beginning to realize.

[azgirl]

Do people actually realize what they had once it is gone and actually want it back?? Maybe that will happen with my guy. He's been stringing me along for a while now and have just about had enough. See, we live together and I am thinking about just packing my stuff one day while he is at work and disappearing on him. He has given me "a month or two" to find my own place, but maybe if it happens sooner than he expects he might open his eyes a little.

 

Suggestions?