"needing Time And Space"

[bicylejunk]

Sorry guys. I don't mean to come out and say that it's ALL WOMEN. It just seems that way a lot of the time.

I'm just hurt. It's happened to me 3 times now, twice with the same woman.

I don't want to have trust issues. As it stands right now, I don't really feel like dating because I still

haven't gotten over my ex. She really made an impact on my life and now I don't have her anymore.

I gave so much to the relationship and cared for her so much, without trying to smother her. I was never

controlling or possesive. I just wanted to be her stable guy, someone she could always depend on to be

there for her and love her unconditional and romance her like a beautiful thing. But she just

had reservations and said she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. So I gave her space

and she just stopped calling.

[jmargel]

Kevin, I've been reading your posts. Sounds to me like you are hanging on every word she says. You are her safety-net. She doesn't respect and love you (or at least doesn't show it) like she should. There's a post by klinghoffer, who I've been trying to help out. Its a very long thread, I would suggest reading it. You are kind of in the same boat.

 

One thing I learned from my past relationship, and I use this knowledge I gained on my current gf, is to ALWAYS communicate. No matter how small or trival something is, is to let your mate know & let them know its ok to do the same. I'm not talking about nit picking, but things in general. I've learned to pick up on somethings. For example, my gf & me went out one night to a restuarant and it was very cold out. We were in the car & she asked to see if their were any seats at the bar before we went in, because we didn't want to wait. I told her I didnt want to, so we went into the restuarant. She made a little comment about it, which I didnt get upset but it triggered a light in my head. That I was being kind of selfish and for a second forgot about having the little things meaning so much. So the next morning before she went to work (which was really early) I went out & started her car up, and turned the heat on so it'll be warm when she got out there.

 

The little things in a relationship count for SO much. Always, always, always, always love them like its the last day you'll ever see them. Respect them, but don't lose respect for yourself.

 

Now when a person says they 'need space' it could mean a couple of different things depending on the scenerio. First one is usually a lack of communication or love in a relationship and the other person has lost enough for their mate to want to try things out on their own & see if there is someone that would actually appreciate them. Usually in this scenerio the relationship is pretty well finished.

 

Second one is (this is typically of the woman) she has never gained any sort of independence, the need and the feel of accomplishment of being able to do things on her own (such as an apartment, job, etc..) Just about every woman needs this. This 'need' is usually so desirable that they would potentially sacraffice their relationship to fulfill this. Depending on the scenerio things might work out in the end.

 

The last one is feeling sufficated, or when they say they need 'time for themselves'. When your gf tells you she needs 'alone' time, give it to her! Let her go out with friends, or by herself and let her do her own thing. You have no clue how important that is to a woman. She needs to still know she hasn't lost any part of herself, even though she's in a relationship. A relationship shouldn't be about feeling of losing one self, but taking what you have and sharing it with the other. Sometimes a gf or fiancee still 'needs' that feeling of 'missing you' and by letting her go out & doing fun things without you (im not talking about dating other men) and WITHOUT her worrying or feeling guilty about it, it does make a world of difference.

 

When your mate tells you something, its because of a reason. When you talk to your mate about a problem it's because its bothering you. Well, thats the same reason why they tell you. Listen, don't interrupt, and don't make excuses about it. Work on the situation at hand, and compromise.

 

The one poster who wrote in here had a good understanding about the 'space' thing. If your mate does come back you need to let things go in the past. Don't keep bringing it up. Talk about it & resolve the situation best at hand, and then think of the future. You can't change the past. You only get one chance at living your life, and it doesnt come with an instruction manual. So you have to understand why some people do or say some of the things they do.

 

Kevin, as for your situation you know your gf best. I won't tell you what you should do or not. Right now she feels pretty comfortable in that she's not going to lose you. When people feel that way, unfortunately they sometimes take the other for granted. I'm thinking she is doing this, even if she's not realizing it. You really need to deal with the situation at hand and have a heart to heart talk with her. You need to find out 'why' she is feeling this way. You are already said you are feeling anger towards her. This isn't good, because if you do get back together with her, you'll have resentment towards her. That'll just start fights in the relationship and it won't last. When you do talk to her, don't do it on the phone. Do it in person.

[MarKus]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

 

If you contact too much, you'll bug the other person and drive them away.

 

If you don't contact at all, the other person might think you're done and moving on, or there's a risk that they'll move on and forget about you.

 

 

 

its such a fine line!

[bicylejunk]

That's what would drive me insane.

 

I would think o.k. I'm not going to contact her because, i want her to start missing me and get scared

that i'm moving on. But then I would think, If I avoid her and not take her phone calls, she's going

to think i'm moving on and therefore will lose hope and move on herself since she feels so bad. In not calling her

I'll end up snubbing her in her mind and she'll run into someone elses arms.

 

These things would ruin my days. It is truly such a fine line. It's hard to balance. But in the end, You

really just need to follow your heart. Do what your heart tells you to do, but have self-respect and

don't allow yourself to be taken advatage of

[dario]

I've kinda come to some conclusions about this whole space thing....I know it hurts to miss someone and we all do and try to struggle with ways of getting back with them. Should we wait? Should we continue? How much support should we offer? Etc. etc. We're human and the questions never cease. Especially with matters of the heart. We create questions that become more questions. I say leave it be....leave it be....discover yourself; your own mind....power through the hurt....live and wait, I guess....wait....It's all hindsight material for me. But wait...it will carry you through a great darkness but if you discover yourself you will get through and continue on. In the past few weeks I've come to terms with several losses and I've discovered that I am, infact, pretty alone - but I don't have to be. I am just lying in all the melancholy. Some pretty important people have decided to disconnect themselves from me....family people...and this is a strange thing in itself. But I've exhausted myself trying to see reason and logic in all of it. And I'm beginning to see that this world is mine for the taking - alone and with the help of people (here on this site) and people who truly respond to my need for help. Cut ties. Cut them....let the other side analyse themselves. Chance might bring you back to them....in a more positive frame of mind. Hurt lasts and sometimes it seems to never end....but it can be combated by your own fight for personal happiness.

[MarKus]

Originally posted by bicylejunk

That's what would drive me insane.

 

I would think o.k. I'm not going to contact her because, i want her to start missing me and get scared

that i'm moving on. But then I would think, If I avoid her and not take her phone calls, she's going

to think i'm moving on and therefore will lose hope and move on herself since she feels so bad. In not calling her

I'll end up snubbing her in her mind and she'll run into someone elses arms.

 

These things would ruin my days. It is truly such a fine line. It's hard to balance. But in the end, You

really just need to follow your heart. Do what your heart tells you to do, but have self-respect and

don't allow yourself to be taken advatage of

 

I couldnt have put it better myself bicylejunk,

im just trying to keep contact to the bare bones

[Cpunch75]

If someone gives you the space line, they are simply giving up and not permitting the relationship to grow. Don't you think youre better off w/o all their problems?

[zoezeroseven]

I'm 22 going on 23 and I've been with the same guy since I was 17. We've lived together the whole time. I love him very deeply and the only problem with the relationship is that I'm not getting everything that I need. I need someone who will actually leave the house, do something, and, most importantly, talk to me. He just withdrawals which I have been addressing for years. This is the only argument (if that's what you call it when only one person talks) that we've ever had. At least it doesn't go like this anymore: "We need to talk about...." Him: "ZZZZZ"!!!

 

I feel that I need to be free. I realize that that statement needs to end it all. I don't think that it is fair to string my bf along while I learn to be alone by saying that I need space. I'm terrified to be alone, but he will never be able to give me what I need and I'm sick of asking for an attempt at least. I just have to face my fear of leaving the only person I may ever find who will ever love me in order to hope that I will find someone who is better for me someday.

 

The problem is that I told him all of this and he won't let me go. He says he needs time (with me) which seems like a futile attempt to repair something he could never fix. This is also making it incredibly difficult for me. I know I'm killing him inside as well as myself. I just wish I knew (but I have no experience) that I'm not asking for too much from a relationship.

 

I guess what I'm saying, beyond looking for advice from this forum, is that I see "I need some space" as a show of fear. Maybe a person who claims this is afraid to break up, but not completely happy in the relationship either.

My bf is asking for time together rather than apart and I have no idea how to deal with that.

[JamVan]

Well zoezeroseven, speaking from the other side of needing space I truly believe you do need space. I wouldn't say at this point to find another, but I was much like your bf in ways where I lost touch with everything I used to do before I started dating my gf, fortunatley for me I figured this out pretty quickly. I can tell you do love your bf, but alike my situation it sounds as though you feel a bit smothered. Once communication breaks down it is extremely hard to hold something together and sometimes space apart will open up those lines once again. There's no doubting relationships go through stale times, but if the two parties involved can't see that together then maybe a break is an option you may wish to venture.

 

Sometimes people need a wake up call, when they start taking things for granted. It sounds like games, but many times that's exactly what love is a GAME. Regardless, like most of us say within these forums. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another!!!

 

Best of Luck!!

[bicylejunk]

""I don't think that it is fair to string my bf along while I learn to be alone by saying that I need space.""

 

 

That is a great attitude. I feel the same way. If I was leaving a relationship, I'd just be up front

about the whole thing. I wouldn't want to string anyone along, I'd feel like an ass and selfish.

 

I wish more people handled it that way. The Truth, What a concept? jUST BE HONEST. Otherwise

you're not being True to Yourself.

[zoezeroseven]

Unfortunately, many people don't want to hear the truth. Although, I think that if more people gave the truth, the whole social world would be a lot less confusing. My boyfriend didn't want to hear it and now I'm trapped. I gave him the extra time together that he wanted (six months!!), hoping that his idea that it will help us break smoother in the long run is correct. I know it isn't though, he's lying to me and, possible, himself. He's just trying to keep me, because he loves me and has built his whole life around me. I'm trapped in love, because the truth is too hard to deal with.

[dario]

I agree...totally. If my gf had just come clean and told me face to face and explained her reasons why...or whatever...it would have saved me a great deal of thinking and backwards steps. Any doubt should be discussed.

[bicylejunk]

ZOe, But if you're just staying with him because you feel bad and want to give him a chance, even though you know

it's not going to work, You're not going to be helping him or yourself at all. Don't put a time limit on it. People think too

future, as if were going to all be here tomorrow. If you give him 6 months, he'll take his time. You got to do what you need to for yourself.

 

Same here Dario, If my girl would have just told me what she wanted instead of saying "I don't know what I need,

I just need space to think about it"...I would have understood a lot better. I can't believe that she didn't know

at all what she wanted. She probably wanted a number of things, but just couldn't admit them to me for fear of

hurting me even more than she was already doing.

 

Doubts should ALWAYS be discussed. It's called Communication and respecting your partner enough and them the same

so you can bring up things that are bugging you in a relationship. Communication. Communication. Communication.

My ex was horrible at it.

[Johns]

I have been with me girlfriend for 5 1/2 years and live with her for almost 5,

and we had so much fun in the begin, But just a few days ago she told me i wanna go move back to my moms house, now i did'nt think it would ever happenen the day she says i want space, at frist she said she jus wants space it hurt me bad so the night before she left i did'nt stop buggin her about it and then i said is it me u do'nt wanna be with, a then she said i think we need time off and i was like what the fu**.

 

So the next day we walk and talked before she left she told me she wants to be with me and forget what she said she only said that cuz i would'nt stop buggin her

about the fact she wanna to leave. well now she gone back home am alone think bout it confused cuz i call her she answer we talk small talk. they i ask if i should go see her and she was sick and said no i just wanna go home and maybe sleep

 

so i said ok, but a 2 days before this and i went to see her then the next day she came here, so i guess even if she wants to be with me its not good to see each other every day, cuz then its like what was the point to her

 

Now i love her and she says she love me cares and miss me but this is were she wants to be at her moms house, i dont know if it me that jus wont believe that this is all the truth, now she never gave me a reason to think anything its jus am a guy,

 

i jus wanna know if she does call me as much or we did see each other all the time does that me she really wants space, like she says

[bicylejunk]

That's just the thing though....I understand so much that women need space sometimes. They don't

want to feel smothered or controlled. I totally understand that. So I could understand that after a

big amount of time being together that maybe my girl could want her own space. But she never said,

I need my own apartment. but we can still date. She never said any of that. So I said that this just

has to be a "wanting to date other peopl" kind of thing. She said No No No it's not that.

But then she went out on two dates after she moved out....How does that make sense.

 

It just goes back to the whole "Needing space" excuse. "Needing Space" means, let take a break,

I'm going to go see if I can find something better and if I do, then were over, But If i Don't Then

I want to come back to you.

 

It's like Let's see what's behind door number #1 and Door Number #2. Love shouldn't be that way.

It shouldn't be a gamble or a game, like: "You have 1 million dollars right now and you can walk away with it

right now or you can try for the bonus question, but if you get it wrong, you risk losing it all."

 

why play games? why can't we just be a little less selfish and a little less greedy.

[Cpunch75]

Don't assume what it means, it could mean a number of things. If someone tells you that they need space when they really mean that they want to see other people, then youre better off anyways because down the road their dishonesty will surface with other things that would hurt you even more.

[monkey]

My s/o told me to go out & find another girl & forget about her, but she was angry with me at the time for emailing her too much. She was there with me when i started with panic attacks & she helped me deal with my problem & it had it's affect on her. This to me is normal to help your partner when they have a problem.

 

However i now give her space, which she asked for, but even though she said that i believe it was in anger & there's no way i'll be giving up.

She said she'll email 1 a week, but at what stage do you contact her if i hear nothing from her. If i was violent or cheated, i'd understand but i'm not letting an illness affect our future.

[glasshammer]

Maybe she helped you thru it but now she doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore.

It may be a burden for her that she has to deal with a guy with an illness. Panic Attacks,

yeah, that's pretty stressful for someone to have to get their partner thru. As shallow as it

sounds, she probably just wants to move on.

 

Sounds like she's just emailing once a week cuz she feels bad and doesn;t want to be mean.

 

Why are you settling for scraps? "I'll email you Once A week?" You know what I'd say to that?

don't bother. Why not a nice phone call once a week to keep in touch. Why do people send emails

to keep in touch?

 

We have phones, They are a new invention.

[monkey]

Yeh, but i've had therapy & have learned to deal with them & she said she wants to see me when i'm better, we were together 15 months & then i got ill, if roles were reversed i'd do anything for her.

Now i can handle them i'm waiting for her to get in touch.

 

I don't want her to handle it anymore, i don't want it anymore.

[dario]

Monkey, I'd listen to Glasshammer on this one....'I'll email you once a week' is like her going, 'Look, I'll contact you once a week, okay?!? Yeah, yeah...okay?!?! Now be happy with that and get lost.' You're gonna have to leave it be....totally erase her from your life. What's done is done. Maybe, yeah,...tell her in a reply email...'Hey, look, don't bother with the emails...I'm doing fine as I am. Take care etc.'

[monkey]

She wrote to me saying i'm very important in her life, she wants space, i know you mean best, but you don't know how she is, you may think i'm in denial, but i realy believe we have a future, she's not the type of girl to play games like that, i always trusted her, my family said she would use me, when they don't know the truth, i made her ill by my illness & i'm going to put that right, i love her & when she meets me again i'll be better than the guy she met.

[bicylejunk]

My ex cried and cried and cried nd pretty much got frantic and begged me not to lose contact with her when she left me.

"I'll die if i don't have you in my life"...."You're so important to me, I need you around"..."We have to hang out and still do things together"...

 

 

Eventually, she would only call when she wasn't busy with someone else to see if I wanted to hang out with her......Now She doesn't even really call.......

 

 

????

[niki001]

I like this forum because it helps to know other people have been through it. Me and my boyfriend live together and have pets together and now we are talking about breaking up. I think the biggest issue is he thought he was ready to settle down and then we had a single roomate move in and he's been going out and meeting all kinds of people and I think it made my boyfriend realize he misses that stuff. I know once I move out he will miss me and realize that he doesn't need to go out and meet people (he's 27 and I'm 23-he's already been there) but I don't want to pressure him so I'll make it easier on him and leave. Things were great up until now, I am so sad about leaving the dogs too, its almost like kids.

 

We were dating before we moved in, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be exclusive with me, and I was tired of waiting so I moved 12 hours away. Anyways, we kept in touch and then I met someone in my new town. I think this made him realize he was losing me so he gave me the whole, "move back and we will get be together forever" speech. I was still in love with him, so I did move back after 6 months of being apart. We moved in right away, bought dogs, a house, everything, now 8 months later, he is having these doubts. Any advice? I'm sure plenty of you have been through something similar. Thanks.

[bicylejunk]

SAME HERE NIKI, same age difference too, as me and my ex.

 

 

My GF started hanging out more with friends and a lot of them were single. I think she was just realizing that,

"Hey...I'm still young and I can't cheat myself out of living, So I'm going to out and party, Even though I still

don't know what I want to do with my life....All my friends are single and it seems like they are having the time

of their lives... I love mY guy so much though"...."Oh but I need to live my life"...

I seriously think to this day even though she's not calling me as much, That she thinks she can just

come back to me whenever she wants because I'll always have open arms for her. I think that because

she knows how much I love her and How much i've done for her and how devoted I am to her. But they can't

expect us to wait around forever. It's selfish and childish, I think.

 

Being out and Being single is fun, But all the partying in the world can't mend a broken heart. When she realizes that

she left a great guy, one that was willing to do anything for her and cherish her all the days of my life, She may think

"Why did i do it?" or she may not and she doesn't, then i'll know our relationship was just okay for her for that time

and that hurts me even more.

 

But I'll never understand why people leave great relationships because they feel like they are keeping themselves from

a good time or cheating themselves out of other possibilites. Those kinds of people will never be happy. Because they'll never be content with anything. It sucks. What matters more to you in this life? Partying? or a loving meaningful relationship?

[niki001]

see you understand great. Partying's great when you are single and why do most people go out in the first place? To meet new people right. anyway, all his friends are single right now and so he feels like he can't stay home with me because they will give him a hard time "he's so p/w" ya know. But I guarantee that if any one of his friends found the right girl, they would be staying home with her every night, and they even tell me that. They are all late 20's so they are ready to settle down, but they go out to meet someone. His best friend came to visit 2 weeks ago and he said that my bf told him he finally found the "one" meaning me, and then he came up last weekend, and he was like what happened to you guys, you were so great last time I came up.

 

So if his best friends notices it, then somethings definitely up. There is nothing I would rather do than stay home with him and my dogs and watch a movie, but its hard to stay home while he goes out until 1am everynight. I hang out with my girlfriends help me cope, but it sucks. Why am I wasting my time, everyone tells me what a great couple we are (and we really are perfect) but this really sucks.