What is enough?

[Conflicted]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half. Currently we are "broken up", but talk on the phone and see each other regularly. We are not having sex because it seems to confuse things.

 

The problem is this. She loves me very much and I her, but I have a history of not making her feel loved all of the time. I have been struggling with depression over the past few years and have been very unhappy in my career. A major difference between us is that I am sarcastic and synical while she is not. Although I love her joyous and effervescent attitude, at times I find myself thinking she is naive. At these times, I am critical of her and find myself thinking I'm superior and then thinking that we are not compatible. She senses this and does not feel loved (who can blame her). I always find that I am wrong and being judgemental, and can find many examples of how she is wonderful.

 

Nonetheless this is a knee-jerk response, which I am struggling to understand and overcome. I have never been good at acceptance of myself or others and realize that in many areas of my life my expectations are unnatainably high.

 

I have started seeing a therapist, for the umtheenth time in my life, and am trying to get a grasp on this.

 

The question is this: Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything like this and if so are there any suggestions on how to make the relationship work? I want it to work, long term. But she will not be happy unless she feels totally loved and accepted. She has mentioned marriage and I wold love to marry her, but don't want to do so if it will ultimately fail.

 

Thanks for any ideas,

 

Conflicted

[Tony T]

You have to do some serious work on yourself before you can engage in any healthy, positive relationship. If you suffer from clinical depression, be sure you are taking the proper medication in the measured dose.

 

I urge you to read a book by Albert Ellis entitied: "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." This book contains very rational and sound priciples that will help you understand your emotions and the qualities you want to remedy.

 

You just really need to take life a who lot less seriously. In the past two weeks, three very good friends of mine died, and this morning I read of the death of a very good doctor friend, Robert Staub, dying of pancreatic cancer. Each time there is a death like this, I am reminded that life is short and there is no good purpose for it except to be kind and gentle with others, to love, to be patient, to be forgiving, and to relish each and every second because one day...and time passes very fast...it will be over for me (and for you).

 

So, if you really put life in perspective, nothing is really important except our relationships with the people we love. It's nice if we have the money to pay our bills on time but our credit reports do not preceed us in death. It is NOT important to be right all the time and there are tremendous payoffs for letting others around us feel they are right. It really doesn't matter, except in obvious life and death matters.

 

I hope you will start relating to your lady as a fallible human being. You would NOT like her if she were perfect. And with the problems you describe, you are certain not close to that state yourself. Make a deal to love her the way she is and admire everything about her if she will do the same in return.

 

You cannot make another person feel happy or any other way. That is their choice. But you can make it easier for your girl to be happy if you drop the judgements and criticism. In the scheme of things, it is so unimportant for any person to be any particular way. If she is really terrible, in your opinion, find a lady that is more in line with what you require.

 

"And, in the end, the love you take...is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles, 1969

[Princess]

Dear Conflicted,

 

I have a couple questions, if you don't mind answering them. Why did you break up with your girlfriend, if you love her so much, and she loves you? Do you see this "broken up" phase as temporary? I understand that you are depressed, and that you should take care of yourself before you take care of her, but does she know about all this stuff you're going through? Or is she in the dark? Does she know how you feel about marriage? I'm sorry about all these questions but, I'm confused as to why you two broke up.

 

Respond Sometime,

 

Princess

[Conflicted]

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

I am somewhat daunted by the tast of self-transformation that lies ahead but feel that I have already taken many positive steps. As for taking life less seriously, well, I'll try but i am a pretty serious guy.

You have to do some serious work on yourself before you can engage in any healthy, positive relationship. If you suffer from clinical depression, be sure you are taking the proper medication in the measured dose. I urge you to read a book by Albert Ellis entitied: "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." This book contains very rational and sound priciples that will help you understand your emotions and the qualities you want to remedy. You just really need to take life a who lot less seriously. In the past two weeks, three very good friends of mine died, and this morning I read of the death of a very good doctor friend, Robert Staub, dying of pancreatic cancer. Each time there is a death like this, I am reminded that life is short and there is no good purpose for it except to be kind and gentle with others, to love, to be patient, to be forgiving, and to relish each and every second because one day...and time passes very fast...it will be over for me (and for you). So, if you really put life in perspective, nothing is really important except our relationships with the people we love. It's nice if we have the money to pay our bills on time but our credit reports do not preceed us in death. It is NOT important to be right all the time and there are tremendous payoffs for letting others around us feel they are right. It really doesn't matter, except in obvious life and death matters. I hope you will start relating to your lady as a fallible human being. You would NOT like her if she were perfect. And with the problems you describe, you are certain not close to that state yourself. Make a deal to love her the way she is and admire everything about her if she will do the same in return. You cannot make another person feel happy or any other way. That is their choice. But you can make it easier for your girl to be happy if you drop the judgements and criticism. In the scheme of things, it is so unimportant for any person to be any particular way. If she is really terrible, in your opinion, find a lady that is more in line with what you require. "And, in the end, the love you take...is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles, 1969

[Conflicted]

We mutually agreed that I need to work on the issues i mentioned outside of our relationship. The hope is that i can resolve them and then we can get back into a positive relationship. She is not in the dark. In fact I have made what i feel are mitskes in telling her the specifics of my problems which in essence means I have called her naive and frivolous. I am pretty ashamed about that.

Dear Conflicted, I have a couple questions, if you don't mind answering them. Why did you break up with your girlfriend, if you love her so much, and she loves you? Do you see this "broken up" phase as temporary? I understand that you are depressed, and that you should take care of yourself before you take care of her, but does she know about all this stuff you're going through? Or is she in the dark? Does she know how you feel about marriage? I'm sorry about all these questions but, I'm confused as to why you two broke up.

 

Respond Sometime, Princess

[Princess]

Dear Conflicted,

 

The reason I ask is because I really feel for this girl. Me and my exboyfriend are going through the exact same thing. I actually had to call him yesterday and ask him if he were you. He said he wasn't. But yeah, I had been with my boyfriend for more than a year and a half until he broke up with me because he had to deal with his future. He was depressed because he has high aspirations in life and he felt that he couldn't live up to them. He also had a history of not making me feel loved. He was cynical while I was always optimistic. So you see, you understand why I was a little hard on you earlier. I'm sorry about that. Listen, you have to understand that even if your girlfriend is giving you all the space you need (or don't need) she is secretly hoping that you ask her to come back. She'll feel like this for awhile until she decides to move on. And then even if you find yourself and everything, she might not want to come back to you. You have to remember, you can't expect people to wait for you, expecially if she didn't feel like you loved her. This is probably bad news to you, but this is how I feel in my situation (which is very similar to your girlfriends).

 

I still love my boyfriend and he still loves me. But he says he needs to get away and figure out what kind of life he really needs to lead. I'm not going to hold him back, but I wish that he would stay with me and let me help him. With us breaking up, it gave me the leeway to find out what kind of life I really need to lead. I have the assumption that he might want to come back to me. But I'm not going to wait for him. If he wanted to come back, he shouldn't have broken up with me.

 

This is what I have to say: Either get her now while she still wants you, or don't expect her to let you go back to her after you've stayed away for awhile. Make arrangements. Maybe you can see other people while you see each other. Maybe you can both keep trying to salvage the relationship. You're going through problems, let her help you. Keep me posted Conflicted. If you'd like, you can email me : <e-mail address removed>

 

Good Luck,

 

Princess

[Conflicted]

Dear Princess,

 

Thanks for sharing your situation. I think it is surprising how similar our situations are. Wanna go out? HaHa!

 

Actually though, I just want to clarify a few things which may or may not help you in your situation. The decision to breakup was mutual. We both realize that something needs to change and are willing to take the risk with the hope of having a sound relationship later. I love Kristin very much and I miss being with her. We are constantly in contact and neither of us has started seeing other people, mainly because we've been too busy. However, we have given each other permission to do so. The point of this is this. You mentioned that "secretly' she wants me back. It is no secret. She told me that she wants me to figure this out and then come back and ask her to marry her. I want to. Unfortunately it takes time and I will have to risk the chance she finds someone else, I fell though, that if she finds someone who makes her happy and I have made myself a more content person then only good will have come out of this. Cheers,

 

Conflicted

 

Dear Conflicted, The reason I ask is because I really feel for this girl. Me and my exboyfriend are going through the exact same thing. I actually had to call him yesterday and ask him if he were you. He said he wasn't. But yeah, I had been with my boyfriend for more than a year and a half until he broke up with me because he had to deal with his future. He was depressed because he has high aspirations in life and he felt that he couldn't live up to them. He also had a history of not making me feel loved. He was cynical while I was always optimistic. So you see, you understand why I was a little hard on you earlier. I'm sorry about that. Listen, you have to understand that even if your girlfriend is giving you all the space you need (or don't need) she is secretly hoping that you ask her to come back. She'll feel like this for awhile until she decides to move on. And then even if you find yourself and everything, she might not want to come back to you. You have to remember, you can't expect people to wait for you, expecially if she didn't feel like you loved her. This is probably bad news to you, but this is how I feel in my situation (which is very similar to your girlfriends). I still love my boyfriend and he still loves me. But he says he needs to get away and figure out what kind of life he really needs to lead. I'm not going to hold him back, but I wish that he would stay with me and let me help him. With us breaking up, it gave me the leeway to find out what kind of life I really need to lead. I have the assumption that he might want to come back to me. But I'm not going to wait for him. If he wanted to come back, he shouldn't have broken up with me. This is what I have to say: Either get her now while she still wants you, or don't expect her to let you go back to her after you've stayed away for awhile. Make arrangements. Maybe you can see other people while you see each other. Maybe you can both keep trying to salvage the relationship. You're going through problems, let her help you. Keep me posted Conflicted. If you'd like, you can email me : <e-mail address removed>

 

Good Luck, Princess