Do you think trusting is harder in a LDR?

[Nikki Sahagin]

In having an LDR, do you feel it is harder to trust your partner because of the geographical distance? Do you ever have concerns regarding the lack of sex/physical intimacy and that they may seek it elsewhere? Or simply the fact that you cant be sure of what they are doing? I know this can occur in any relationship, whether you see each other once a month or every day...but do you think trusting is harder to achieve? Or does your struggle to be together make you trust them even more? Or do you think relationships are relationships and it doesn't matter what kind it is?

[Lizzie60]

In having an LDR, do you feel it is harder to trust your partner because of the geographical distance? Do you ever have concerns regarding the lack of sex/physical intimacy and that they may seek it elsewhere? Or simply the fact that you cant be sure of what they are doing? I know this can occur in any relationship, whether you see each other once a month or every day...but do you think trusting is harder to achieve? Or does your struggle to be together make you trust them even more? Or do you think relationships are relationships and it doesn't matter what kind it is?

 

 

I think, unless someone lives in a 'fantasy world' it is nearly impossible to have a durable, strong, faithful LDR...

 

If someone is rarely 'physically' together.. how can someone call that a 'real relationship'...

 

I have never seen a LDR succeeded in the long run.

 

The distance makes it impossible for the other partner to know if the other one is faithful... it's just realistically impossible...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think, unless someone lives in a 'fantasy world' it is nearly impossible to have a durable, strong, faithful LDR...

 

If someone is rarely 'physically' together.. how can someone call that a 'real relationship'...

 

I have never seen a LDR succeeded in the long run.

 

The distance makes it impossible for the other partner to know if the other one is faithful... it's just realistically impossible...

 

As usual Lizzie, very candid....and i'm sure to some controversial Have you ever been in an LDR?

[Lizzie60]

Yes I was... of course.. I think a lot of people have experienced a LDR...

 

Come on.. to think that the other person (especially the guy) will be faithful for years.. come on.. you'd have to be extremely naive.. sorry but I've never been that naive..

 

My last ex made thousands of dollars of damage on my car because of my LDR with a Cuban guy... (and you know what.. the ba*stard was already married to a girl somewhere in Quebec and I wasn't the only one he had on the side).. he eventually moved to be with his W.. and within 2 years he was already with someone else..

[LonelyTiger]

Sorry Nikki - I was going to give you my opinion on this but, right now, I don't think I can be bothered, with Lizzie making such ridiculous blanket statements - again!

 

Lizzie - I find your beliefs about relationships and human nature rather sad. I guess you must have had a tough life!

[SophieA]

I just have to at Lizzie. I personally know of 2 LDRs IRL (not including the ones on this board that are thriving...IG, Bearandsue *cough cough*) that are working out just fine...heck, they turned into marriages and they certainly seem happy as hell....

 

Oh, and NO. I don't think being LD makes it harder to trust. I love my boyfriend. I respect his feelings and he respects mine. We have been together 5 and 1/2 years and are still happy...we must be doing something right. We have an agreement...if one of us becomes unhappy or wants to "get some" outside of the relationship...then we end the relationship. It really is just THAT SIMPLE. If you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Unless you enjoy misery. It's such a simple concept!

[Ashbash11]

Alright, I am currently in a LDR (Been in one for 7 months) and I wanted to give my 10 cents:

 

Sometimes insecurity can strike, in an LDR, yes. However, trust is a crucial part of a relationship, and it is a REAL problem if you can't trust your partner, whether they are thousands of miles away, or right next door. Trust is something that you have to have no matter what. As far as concerns about your SO seeking physical intimacy somewhere else, if that's the case, it wasn't a strong relationship to begin with.

 

Both people should know what is involved in an LDR going into it, and there should be an end date to look forward to. If one or both people cheats on each other during a LDR, then the relationship was rather shallow to begin with, IMO. If you can't hold off on physical gratification long enough to wait until you see the person you love, then that's a problem that you need to work on. If you love someone enough, you will be willing to wait until you see them again to satisfy your physical needs.

 

If you have any doubts about the power of love, or if LDR's work, talk to Islandgirl.

[Els]

Well, all the men that Lizzie have been with, cheated on their wives to be with her.

 

So of course she would think that if people always (it seems to her) are unfaithful in relationships where they live together with their spouse, it would be 'impossible' for them to be faithful if their partner was far away.

 

I personally think it is harder, yes. If you have severe trust/insecurity issues... the kind where you get all antsy if your partner comes back an hour late from work, or think all sorts of paranoid thoughts when you hear him having a perfectly innocent phone conversation with a female friend; then no, LDRs are DEFINITELY not for you. If you have the kind of cynical mindset Lizzie has about needing to 'control' your spouse because he/she will go all wild the moment that 'control' lapses, then no, LDRs are definitely not for you.

 

But many people on these boards have made it work, or have been making it work for YEARS.

[Bearandsue]

I just have to at Lizzie. I personally know of 2 LDRs IRL (not including the ones on this board that are thriving...IG, Bearandsue *cough cough*) that are working out just fine...heck, they turned into marriages and they certainly seem happy as hell....

 

Oh, and NO. I don't think being LD makes it harder to trust. I love my boyfriend. I respect his feelings and he respects mine. We have been together 5 and 1/2 years and are still happy...we must be doing something right. We have an agreement...if one of us becomes unhappy or wants to "get some" outside of the relationship...then we end the relationship. It really is just THAT SIMPLE. If you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Unless you enjoy misery. It's such a simple concept!

 

 

Thank you SopieA. Two years and still going strong. I can bet my life he hast cheated on me and he can say the same thing about me. Sometimes insecurities do arise but we deal with them. I trust him completely and he trusts me. WoW I guess this is naive of me...lmao.

[Admiral]

Humans are not biologically programmed for long distance relationships. A few words or vows doesn't change instincts.

[Els]

Neither are humans biologically programmed for monogamy, lifelong commitments, charity, and handling disputes in a civil manner.

 

Your point is?

[KikiW]

Humans may not be biologically programmed for them, but see we have this funny thing called a BRAIN. It allows us to think about things, and make decisions about stuff, and figure out if we feel attraction, love and devotion toward someone who is not physically nearby.

 

Sometimes the decision is no, other times it is yes. Sounds like a couple people here are a little bitter that they got the no answer too often.

[Admiral]

Instincts are more powerful than higher brain functions.

 

Just letting you know, it can explain a lot.

 

Neither are humans biologically programmed for monogamy, lifelong commitments.

 

Exactly. People use their higher brain functions to do these things (e.g. commitment and monogamy), against their instincts.They are modern conventions that go against what humans have evolved to do.

 

Men are not supposed to be monogamous, biologically speaking.

[Ashbash11]

I think this thread should be posted somewhere other than the LDR section.. it's discouraging to those who are in LDR's.

[Bearandsue]

I think this thread should be posted somewhere other than the LDR section.. it's discouraging to those who are in LDR's.

 

 

completely agree. I think these people have trust issues or have been really hurt in previous relationships.

 

Who says that human males are not meant to be monogamous anyways, this is based on what? Animals. Well one species that are monogamous are the penguins.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Apologies to anyone who has taken something negative from this. As I said, trust can affect any relationship, regardless of whether its an LDR or one where the couple see each other 24-7. I just wanted to know posters experiences with it. But don't let this be a deterrant to any of you, if it has been. I think love is unique, rare and special. Real love will always find a way, a bit like (forgive the comparison), a weed! They will always find space to grow!

[Island Girl]

I don't find it discouraging. I feel that if it is discouraging then you may be having your own insecurities about your relationship. Or you haven't had to address these kinds of comments or issues for any length of time.

These kinds of comments and fallacies happen. It is a situation where you MUST "consider the source".

 

Lizzie60 seems to be the resident cynic. Everyone cheats or will eventually cheat. Love is not reality. People can't be faithful. No one should trust anyone or they are called "naive".

 

It seems to me that SOMEBODY has made very poor choices in relationships and seems to attract those that will cheat and can not be trusted.

It is a self fulfilling prophecy in such cases.

 

I am completely trusting in my LDR. I have been for years. We have a very unique structure though and have created ways to help with insecurity.

He has had to be WAAAAAY more trusting of me than I have of him just because of where he is and the community/culture where he is.

 

It has taken quite a bit of work and I didn't have this level of comfort in the beginning. Nor did he.

But all of that work has paid off in unimaginable ways. Well, unimaginable for those that do not understand their experiences are not the rule for others.

 

As far as being programed for monogamy or not. I believe we are.

I believe that it is due to personal issues and problems along with societal changes that people find commitment impossible or difficult. It is a sad reality for them but in the end they do not demand of themselves what they would hope to find in another.

Enough said on that.

 

LDRs can create a deeper and more meaningful relationship than possible in non-distance relationships. But it does take VERY open communication on both sides.

 

As that develops though one can feel safer in telling of emotions at all levels without falling back to gestures or skimming over things.

Problems tend to be worked out completely and in detail whereas when in a face to face they may be dropped or not discussed at that kind of level.

 

But again it takes effort on BOTH sides - a lot of REAL effort and self exploration.

[Island Girl]

If someone is rarely 'physically' together.. how can someone call that a 'real relationship'...

 

You are so right Lizzie60.

 

All those men who fought in WWII and the Korean War and Vietnam, etc. They didn't have "real" relationships.

The love they held onto that endured and took them through each day was so obviously a facade.

 

And that kind of love isn't present today. The ability to love like that was lost somehow and isn't possible anymore.

 

Certainly my husband and I do not have a "real" relationship.

Forget that people who know me in RL and have known the two of us have such admiration for us and are inspired in their own marriages. Some even say they do not have the level of commitment or foundational support from their spouse.

But you are right. It isn't real.

 

Oh and yeah, there is no way possible I could be certain that he hasn't slept with anyone else. I won't confuse you with the facts sweetheart.

You may never understand that your reality isn't the same as other people's. It's so sad. Really.

 

I am sorry you and yours have had such terrible experiences with love and commitment.

 

Unfortunately you will only see or believe what confirms your own view and everything to the contrary is readily dismissed.

[Admiral]

I think this thread should be posted somewhere other than the LDR section.. it's discouraging to those who are in LDR's.

 

They need to have all the facts so they can make an educated decision.

 

Who says that human males are not meant to be monogamous anyways, this is based on what? Animals. Well one species that are monogamous are the penguins.

Apes aren't monogamous, and humans have evolved from apes.

 

It has taken quite a bit of work and I didn't have this level of comfort in the beginning. Nor did he.

 

Relationships are supposed to be about fun, not work.

[Island Girl]

Apes aren't monogamous, and humans have evolved from apes.

 

yadda yadda yadda.

 

People can have relationships that last their lifetime.

 

Who cares whether we are "programmed" to do so or not?

Those that love to harp on it as an excuse to sleep around, move from partner to partner, and not truly commit.

 

This thread is about trusting a partner.

 

If you indeed HAVE a partner, do you trust him or her? And do you think it is more difficult to trust long distance?

[Island Girl]

Relationships are supposed to be about fun, not work.

 

A dedicated relationship takes effort -- I used the word "work" -- which is a synonym.

 

A lasting enduring relationship is not always fun although it is VERY rewarding.

 

Just this statement alone leads me to believe that you haven't been in a lengthy relationship that continues. True?

It speaks to an immature view of relationships and that the second there is something that isn't "fun" it is time to cut and run.

Money troubles, disagreements, etc. aren't fun and they take effort to get through and yet still maintain the relationship. That effort would be the work I am referring to.

[Els]

Instincts are more powerful than higher brain functions.

 

Just letting you know, it can explain a lot.

 

 

 

Exactly. People use their higher brain functions to do these things (e.g. commitment and monogamy), against their instincts.They are modern conventions that go against what humans have evolved to do.

 

Men are not supposed to be monogamous, biologically speaking.

 

I love how you completely snipped off the last part of my sentence.

 

I also love how people like you try to twist 'biology' into rationalizing everything you do.

 

Of course people use their higher brain functions -- that is why we are HUMANS. Anything less and we would regress to the level of animals.

 

Biology does not program us to do anything that is not required for survival or not related to guttural pleasures. Biology does not program us to forgive and forget. Does that mean that we're justified in killing anyone who pisses us off? Biology does not program us to practice restraint and self-control. Does that mean that we should rape anyone who happens to strike our fancy, anytime anywhere? Biology does not program us to save our bodily functions for specific times of the day. Does that mean we should pee while walking (flying) like the birds do? Biology did not program us to take care of our elders? Does that mean that we should kick our parents out of the house once they're past their primes, like how the younger lions oust the alpha male?

 

I originally did not think that so many illustrations were necessary to prove a point, but you, my dear sir, seem a bit slow in catching such stuff.

 

Basically, LDR, or even relationships in general, are not the result of 'animalistic instincts'. They are the result of choice, consequence, conscious commitment, and investment in the future. Not ME FIRST ME WANT ME NEED NOW NOW NOW.

 

If you prefer, you can go back to clubbing your neighbour on the head for stealing your food.

 

I'd rather remain evolved.

[Admiral]

People can have relationships that last their lifetime.

 

They sure can, but there shouldn't be any surprise if the man cheats.

 

I love how you completely snipped off the last part of my sentence.

 

Ah, so you noticed that.

 

Neither are humans biologically programmed for monogamy, lifelong commitments, charity,and handling disputes in a civil manner.

 

Our brain allows us to do that, but in a desperate survival situation, instincts take over and people aren't so civil. Just like if a 45 year old married man away on a business trip has a hot 20 year old blonde come up and start flirting with him, there's a good chance he'll cheat. If he doesn't, he'll compare her to his wife. Physically, he wants the 20 year old.

 

Who cares whether we are "programmed" to do so or not? Those that love to harp on it as an excuse to sleep around, move from partner to partner, and not truly commit.

It may be an excuse, but it's also a biological fact.

[Island Girl]

They sure can, but there shouldn't be any surprise if the man cheats.

 

SO FUNNY!!!! :lmao:

 

And tell me again how LDRs don't work.

 

Tell me again how men can't remain faithful!

 

I just love how people who can't maintain a relationship and can't remain faithful state again and again that it is impossible.

 

Just because you haven't seen it or experienced it does not mean it doesn't exist. There are those of us that do have what you do not and FYI just because you say it or put it in print doesn't mean it's true.

[Els]

They sure can, but there shouldn't be any surprise if the man cheats.

 

 

 

Ah, so you noticed that.

 

 

 

Our brain allows us to do that, but in a desperate survival situation, instincts take over and people aren't so civil. Just like if a 45 year old married man away on a business trip has a hot 20 year old blonde come up and start flirting with him, there's a good chance he'll cheat. If he doesn't, he'll compare her to his wife. Physically, he wants the 20 year old.

 

 

It may be an excuse, but it's also a biological fact.

 

So should we give in, screw our higher thought centres, and let 'biology' take over then?

 

Because that's what you seem to be advocating.

 

I just hope the judge doesn't laugh too hard when the murderer says 'But I'm biologically programmed to kill that guy who was getting on my nerves!'

 

By the way, I also love how he keeps saying that there should be no surprise that the man cheats, that men aren't supposed to be monogamous, etc...

 

I see he hasn't even given thought that all his rationalizations can be applied to women as well. Hopefully he'll think 'Oh well, she's just programmed to do so, can't blame her' when his woman goes on a business trip, meets a hot man and immediately drops her skirt.