Pool and too much touching....

[Kaii]

My bf and I went out to play pool with his cousin and his wife. I do not really know either of them, having only met the wife once time for about 30 mins. previous to this.

 

We were all drinking and playing pool, when the cousin and his wife start bantering back and forth about playing pool for sexual favours. That was fine with me, until the cousin said to my bf that he could f*ck his wife too...that they could both do her and my bf went along with it. Joking and talking about doing her.

 

I felt very uncomfortable and didn't find it very funny.

 

Then, the wife asked her husband for a back rub and he said "I hate doing that, get xxxxxx(my bf) to do it". And my bf left where we had been standing together and just walked over and proceeded to rub her back. I just kind of stood there, apart from the three of them, feeling like a complete tool. They then started talking about all the previous backrubs he had given her and then he (my bf) pulled up the back of her shirt to show me her back.

 

We continued playing pool and the wife started complaining about her hands being dry from washing them too often at work. My bf, took her hand in his and started rubbing the dry skin and said to my "Oh yeah, they are dry". He caressed her fingers briefly before letting her hand fall.

 

WTF? Who is her husband exactly, her actual husband or my bf?

 

Uh huh.

 

We got home and I very calmly told him that I was upset that he spent more time touching his cousin's wife than he did me.

 

He didn't seem to think anything was wrong with how he had behaved and left me downstairs and stomped off to bed...at 9:30pm.

 

I feel that if the roles were reversed and I had my hands all over my cousin's husband, then I would hear about it when we got home.

 

So, now I am sitting here all alone, wondering "Am I wrong here?"

 

Also, FYI, his cousin is a slimeball and would prob be glad if his wife cheated on him, because it would get her off his back. He has repeatedly cheated on her throughout their marriage.

[Bryanp]

You are absolutely right in feeling totally disrespected. If the roles were reversed I guarantee you that your boyfriend would have been out of his mind. I would have to ask you why you would wish to be with someone who would humiliate you in such a way and seemingly sees nothing wrong in engaging in this type of behavior? I think you could do a lot better than this. Good luck.

[sotired]

And you are still with this guy why???

[Kaii]

Yes, I am. I am actually engaged to him and we bought a house together. We are currently trying to have a baby.

 

I am kind of baffled right now. Sitting alone downstairs and baffled.

[crzyblndstar]

Kaii, how long have you been together? Have you ever seen this type of behavior from him?

[sotired]

Yikes....I think this was one of those "here's your sign moments"

 

If he's that flirty with you standing there, he'd have probably been banging her in the pool if you stayed home.

 

Good luck whatever you end up doing....but this man has showed you what he really is...if you chose to ignore it, don't be surprised if he cheats on you in the future. He doesn't care about your feelings and has you so confused you aren't sure if you should be upset.

[Kaii]

Kaii, how long have you been together? Have you ever seen this type of behavior from him?

 

We have been together for a year and yes, I suppose I have seen several things that aren't quite right. That is what led me to come to LoveShack in the first place.

[TaraMaiden]

I think these are commonly known as flags.

This is an absolute signal, as clear as it could be, that the whole process you are planning is an extremely unwise one.

This is not a man you want to marry for better, for worse, in sickness and in health - For As Long As You Both Shall LIVE.....

 

No, really. I do not think so.

Only engaged?

no baby?

 

Thank goodness for small miracles.

You came to loveshack for this?

it seems to me you arrived only just in time....

 

it sounds to me as if they were almost working up towards a foursome.... and if this is not an isolated incident, i think I am going to echo sotired.

 

Give him his ring back.

Don't worry about taking contraception now.

Don't ever do anything with him again.

And contact the mortgage company. Have your name removed form the document, and suspend all payments from your account.

 

Then - go.

And quickly.

[lkjh]

Think really hard about marrying this guy. These are all flags, will you be ok with this ten years down the road?

[smarterthanbefore]

For one, you guys have only been together for a year and you already bought a house together and trying to have a baby? That is really to fast. You don't really know him yet. He is showing you that you will be cheated on and disrespected throughout your relationship. What he just did was test you to see how you react to him being touchy feely with other females. I see a lot of cheating in the future. It does not matter how long the two of you were friends or knew each other before you dated. An intimate relationship is a lot different than a friendship relationship. The same man you are friends with is not the same person when you are dating them. You two are moving way to fast. Maybe he is not ready for this relationship yet. You two should still be dating and living separately. I dated my boyfriend for 2 years before moving in together, was friends with him for 5 years before that. I still sometimes feel like we still getting to know each other. My point is, you seem to be moving kind of fast. You have every right to be upset about what he did, now the question is, what are you gonna do about it?

[JanaJ]

What's going to happen next time when he's over his cousin's house without you...

 

This is definitely one of those moments when you want to re-think the relationship

[EmperorR]

I wish I had these signs before my ex cheated, I would never even touch another woman in my so presence or without he presence.

[Lucky_One]

This is just....creepy.

 

My first thought is that he's already screwing her in a threesome, and they were trying to ease you into a foursome by judging your reaction.

 

What are you going to do?

[Island Girl]

My bf and I went out to play pool with his cousin and his wife. I do not really know either of them, having only met the wife once time for about 30 mins. previous to this.

 

We were all drinking and playing pool, when the cousin and his wife start bantering back and forth about playing pool for sexual favours. That was fine with me, until the cousin said to my bf that he could f*ck his wife too...that they could both do her and my bf went along with it. Joking and talking about doing her.

 

My now husband would have let it be known that he didn't like the conversation, didn't appreciate the language around me, and that he is not receptive to that kind of an offer.

 

I felt very uncomfortable and didn't find it very funny.

 

I would have been uncomfortable and the evening would have been cut short if it wasn't handled.

 

Then, the wife asked her husband for a back rub and he said "I hate doing that, get xxxxxx(my bf) to do it". And my bf left where we had been standing together and just walked over and proceeded to rub her back. I just kind of stood there, apart from the three of them, feeling like a complete tool. They then started talking about all the previous backrubs he had given her and then he (my bf) pulled up the back of her shirt to show me her back.

 

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

 

If this happened it would be the last "date" I'd EVER go on with this man and IT WOULD BE OVER.

 

No discussion. No working things out.

 

This amount of blatant disrespect is unforgivable and speaks LOUDLY and QUITE CLEARLY that this man does not love me and does not cherish me as he should.

 

And talking about previous back rubs!!! I wonder how far those went?!!!!

It sounds like she is pretty comfortable with him touching her.

What a great group of people!

 

 

We continued playing pool and the wife started complaining about her hands being dry from washing them too often at work. My bf, took her hand in his and started rubbing the dry skin and said to my "Oh yeah, they are dry". He caressed her fingers briefly before letting her hand fall.

 

More than disrespectful.

 

I wonder what would have happened if the circumstances were different.

 

The fact that this woman was behaving this way doesn't speak well of her either.

 

WTF? Who is her husband exactly, her actual husband or my bf?

 

If it were me -- right now that "boyfriend" word would be preceded with "ex"!!

 

And honestly any guy I have ever dated wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if the situation happened and they got dumped immediately!

 

We got home and I very calmly told him that I was upset that he spent more time touching his cousin's wife than he did me.

 

He didn't seem to think anything was wrong with how he had behaved and left me downstairs and stomped off to bed...at 9:30pm.

 

This tells you in a nutshell how important your thoughts and feelings are to him.

 

So if he doesn't care then you should ask yourself why the hell you do and why you are putting any effort into this relationship.

 

I feel that if the roles were reversed and I had my hands all over my cousin's husband, then I would hear about it when we got home.

 

Whether that is true or not - it doesn't matter.

 

He has no respect for you or your relationship.

Your thoughts and feelings do not matter to him.

HE is the most important person to him.

 

So, now I am sitting here all alone, wondering "Am I wrong here?"

 

What's wrong is that you aren't packing his crap and done with the idiot already.

 

Also, FYI, his cousin is a slimeball and would prob be glad if his wife cheated on him, because it would get her off his back. He has repeatedly cheated on her throughout their marriage.

 

I have no doubt his cousin would look the other way if she cheated. He certainly is encouraging this behavior from your "boyfriend".

I wouldn't be at all surprised if they had already talked about sharing partners or having "open" relationships.

 

The cousin is not someone my husband would hang around - related or not.

And the fact that your "boyfriend" can hang out with him, talk like that, and treat you the way he has just shows he is no different.

Fast forward a few years and that "cousin" is exactly who you'll have - your "boyfriend" will be just like him!!

 

YUCK!!

[D-Lish]

This is just....creepy.

 

My first thought is that he's already screwing her in a threesome, and they were trying to ease you into a foursome by judging your reaction.

 

What are you going to do?

 

That was my thought as well.

 

Such a red flag moment. This is one of those things that you look back on in 5 years and kick yourself for not trusting your gut.

[Kaii]

Well, so this is what ended up happening.....

 

We got into a fight the next morning after this incident and he apologized. He said he stormed off to bed because he was drunk and didn't want to get into a fight with me and then end up saying things he would regret the next morning. His "apology" actually went more like this..."Fine, I'm ****ing sorry, but I am not going to spend the whole day being crucified for this" and then he stomped off downstairs.

 

Wonderful.

 

I was very angry and instead of following him downstairs, like I'm sure he expected me to, I called up one of my best friends and made plans to leave on a trip for the entire weekend. This is very out of character for me and when I told my BF that I was going out and might not be back for a few days, he seemed extremely confident that I would return that night. I told him that he didn't know me as well as he thought he did.

 

So, my gf and I went on a trip across the border into the US for the weekend. We went shopping, ate at nice restaurants, stayed at a nice hotel and then went out clubbing downtown and had a fabulous time. It was so spontaneous and so unlike me to do this, it just felt good to leave everything behind.

 

When I got back home, my BF and I got into a huge argument, both screaming at each other and me telling him that I wanted him to leave. He started packing his stuff and we continued to yell and scream at each other.....and then I started crying.

 

*sigh*

 

I started crying and he was all "let me comfort you". So, long story short, he is still here and we are still together.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I told him we needed to go to counselling and he agreed. I really do love him and don't want to break up with him.

 

I have asked for advice here before and previously everyone said that I was acting like a psycho GF and that it was my issue and my low self esteem that was causing all these problems with my BF.

 

But now, I write about this little situation with him and his cousin's wife and now everyone says that my BF has no respect for me and that I should dump him. I don't understand why no one seemed to be on my side a few weeks ago when I asked for advice in a post called "He's sleeping on the couch tonight...". It was about him emailing/texting other women, one of whom he had been in a relationship with right before he met me.

 

It is very confusing.

[TaraMaiden]

It's simple. |you two are not right together. You should not have let him comfort you.

Now you are back together.

 

So ask yourself if this is really where you want to be?

It does not seem so to me.

I think you should really separate for a while and go on a break.

See what he does during this break, and if it involves other women, then make it a clean break,

And don't let him comfort you.

 

_/l\_

[carhill]

So, do we have another narcissist guy here? Hmmm...

[Lucky_One]

I went back and read your other thread. You said that he was chatting/texting other women while at work, and that nothing sexual or flirty was going on. One of the women was a girl at work that he had a fling/short relationship with, and their conversations were also not sexual in nature.

 

You said there that you didn't believe he should have female friends - period. And a lot of people disagreed with you. Some people agreed.

 

You have also posted that your worst personality trait is insecurity, possibly coming from a dysfunctional relationship with your father, where you felt like you were "daddy's little pain in the ass". (That probably leads to you being content in a dom/sub relationship, where your BF acts as your father figure, and you happily do his will.)

 

I think that you need to take a break from this R. You have only known him a year, and obviously you don't know him well enough. With the d/s thing going on, it looks pretty obvious that he is setting you up for a future swinging relationship, and with your role as a sub, you will eventually go into it.

 

Or will you? You were pretty strong and pretty un-sub like this weekend when you went away. Are you getting tired of being the one to not be in control?

 

You say you have been to therapy before, but not for long enough. I would think that going back to that therapist and starting again might let you learn some techniques for standing up for yourself and for what YOU think is the right thing, and then you will feel better equipped to get out of this disrespectful relationship.

[AAlike]

I am usually pretty liberal about what constitutes "cheating", and I generally can excuse a little bit of flirtatious behavior even amongst people in a relationship, but if your story is 100% accurate then that is so far past the line it's not even funny - we're into the realm of blatant disrespect.

 

I'm sure that it really sucks but I just can't imagine you having a good future with someone that's willing to do that to you. even if he didn't actually "do her" it's just such a slap in the face.

[Kaii]

So, do we have another narcissist guy here? Hmmm...

 

Are you saying that you think he's a narcissist or that you think I am a guy posting this thread???

 

Let me assure you that I am not a man. Lord, I have posted here over 80 times. I hardly think I would put so much effort into trying to understand a man's (ie my bf) perspective, if I were in fact a man already. That makes no sense, so I will assume you meant that my bf is a narcissist.

[carhill]

We've had a fair amount of threads on NPD on LS and, over time, patterns emerge. Your BF happened to fit a pattern I am aware of. In truth, only a professional clinician can diagnose NPD, but experiences of others can be instructive in seeking your truth.

 

Yes, I was talking about your BF

[sotired]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you really happy knowing you have a man who crosses the line with other girls? There is no way this is an isolated incident.....and no amount of counseling is going to change his core personality. He sees nothing wrong with this and is only apologizing to appease you.

 

It doesn't matter how much advice anyone is given though....They usually won't leave until they reach their personal breaking point.

[a4a]

9 months later...... a small child in the midst of all this.

 

Don't have a baby with this man or get married until a shrink deems the relationship stable.

[nittygritty]

Your profile says that you're a "sex blogger" whose a submissive in a dominant/submissive relationship with your BF. Perhaps he thought you'd like it.