When the tide turns

[Trying76]

This is my first time here, its late at night and can't sleep because I am on the couch. Why, you may ask? Well, I am in the military and just got back from a deployment and while I was gone a strange thing happened...I woke up.

 

My marriage was rocky pretty much after our first daughter was born, I had separated from the service and there was no money to really take care of my wife and child. I was desperate. So I took whatever job I could to make ends meet, and for all my trying we constantly struggled. I took jobs that required me to be away and then we started to grow apart. And even in seeing this I felt like I was failing my family (even though she would rather love poor than unhappy rich) so I soldiered on. About 4 years on and off I was away and I was really at the bottom of the barrel. We no longer were having sex, I felt alone and so did she, though again we never said anything to the other.

 

Well, time went on and I decided that going back to the military would be best. One, I knew I would have to go but know when I would come home and there would be times that I would be home for awhile...a lot better than we had been used to. Fast forward to now...

 

Like I said, I woke up. I really realized for the first time in years how much being away from her and her having to do the "stay at home thing" was hurting her...missing me, raising our children on her own and growing apart. To finally look at it all was so excruciating, to know that someone I love so much I would hurt in those ways...however unintentional, as she said once "it hurts just the same". So on the boat I sent a letter to her (something I never do) that was like a confession/apology. I was stating that I knew what I had done now and that I wanted to change that...be a better Dad and Husband. That I realized how much I had taken for granted. There were times she tried to reach out for help but I was so emotionally exhausted that I would do what she asked but would falter a month or so later. The letter blew up in my face. It devastated her. She said that she was in bed for 3-4 days and had a friend help her watch the kids. It was like all these things we had repressed and ignored finally were there in black and white...and couldn't be ignored anymore.

 

Now, she feels like we don't know each other and that I don't hear her and her needs. That I had rejected things that she liked (still don't know why I did since I like a lot of those things) and now she doesn't know if she wants to try and share those things with me, let me in. In fear of me hurting her again. She is in the thought that the only solution to this is a separation.

 

As the title states, the tides have turned. I am now doing what my wife was doing and she is now hurting me. Intentionally? Probably not, but it feels like it. I don't want to separate, the time lost from before has made us strangers enough. But she is so defensive right now that I don't know whether she wants to work it out or not.

 

We have done 1 group counseling and she went for a single one this week. But I have been the one setting up the appointments...and I don't know if she wants to continue. We talk but its awkward and she feels trapped.

 

So, my question out of all of this book...what do I do? What can I do? This is all in her court and she is dealing with things that I just don't understand...no matter how I try to. I love this woman and deep down I know she loves me...It just hurts so bad to see her like this and not be able to do anything about it.

[Trying76]

I was just wondering, does anyone have any advice on this? I really have no idea what to do...stay and keep trying or let her go and play my chances? Or worse just end it? Please, some help?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well what do you want? do you want to reconsile or want to split up. Youve been away for a long time in the service of our country and most of the time wives dont stay together with their spouses that leave for work. I've seen it time and time again.

[Trying76]

See there is the issue, I want to work it out and stay together. But, on the same token, there seems like only one person on the playing field. There are times when she seems like she wants to work it out but then there are others where she seems like "I don't care anymore". I have no reassurance that she really wants to work this out, I just want to know one way or the other because if she is done and just hasn't said, well I want to know...to move on or keep going. I have always thought its a 2 way street and I feel she needs to give as I am giving at least to some extent...and if I see that honestly and genuinely she wants to try then I will give whatever she needs. If she doesn't then why go through a separation to begin with?? This is my problem and why I am here. How do I approach this? Do I just sit down and ask her or wait till we possibly get in for another counseling session?

[sabrina11]

I think you said it yourself, the ball is in her court. Waiting is hard, but you don't have a choice right now since you are the one who wants to make it work. There isn't much to do other than make sure you get to counseling with her.

[Trying76]

Is it ok to be the one making the appointments for counseling or should I encourage her to start making them as well? Its these little things that I think will strengthen my resolve on where we are going...you all know, the little things? She is really trying right now to avoid contact, for fear of letting me in or a sign of weakness. Like my other post, she is taking a job and school trying for some level of self worth...which I am all for. I have wanted those things for her.

[LovieDove24]

I find it very, very interesting that the words of seperation were only spoken after the letter of apology came. I think in reading your letter, she regained some power in your marriage. So many years stuck at home complaining, feeling taken advantage of and all of a sudden you finally understand what she was saying. If she ever felt like leaving before, now she believes if she does, at least she can feel "right" about it. You sort of validated an underlying temptation that has probably been dormant for years.

 

Now I'm not implying that you should not have wrote that letter. I believe as humans it is our responsibility to apologize when we realize the error in our ways. All I'm saying is that it speaks volumes to your spousal dynamics. Obviously there is some power struggle at play. Your wife was willing to remained married for years, what??? Only if you didn't admit there was a problem? I HIGHLY suggest you both get into couples counseling. If she really does walk out that door--for women thats the kiss of death.

[Trying76]

I definitely see your point. And really what it comes down to is that she doesn't feel that she can get over the feelings she has if she is in the house and day after day I am there. I have pointed out to her that I am trying to make her as comfortable as possible and that honestly, I am glad she stayed instead of her initial idea to be gone before I got home from my Navy deployment so that she could see first hand that my statement of being a better husband and father we true.

 

Our situation is extremely complicated, when one has tried in the past the other wasn't and vise versa. We did have a breakthrough I think last night, we talked for about an hour and a half about us and just...well stuff. And it was nice, I felt closer to her than I have in a long time...BUT, and this is what is really confusing, its like she panicks and protects herself from me. All this when all I want to start is to be her friend, build trust again and start kinda fresh.

 

My wife is the type of personality that when she sets her mind (or makes a final decision) its almost impossible to change that...no matter how hard I try to show her the changes I have made.

 

And I know most replies to this question will be a resounding crechendo but is it right and ok to let a person go in a matter of speaking so that they can clear their head, get straight and try to get past their feelings? She says she doesn't want a divorce only a temp sep. and while we do that we go to counseling (joint and together) and this is a quote "try to fall in love with each other again". But at the time of this reply, she is just not ready in her heart and head to go "all in"...at least not yet.

 

A little help please...

[Trying76]

I hope I get a reply to this. Went to counseling today, went really well actually, talked about ways to self improve and all and that was great. But, why do I still come up wanting? I sit here now and really just want to grab my wife and sit down and watch a movie with her. Not feel like I am this body in the house that she seemingly doesn't notice.

 

What I don't get is this, if she really wants a separation and I have told her I will help if that is what she needs...why is she still here? She could do it at any time and yet she hasn't? I don't know if I am doing something right for a change or if she is just to booked time wise to do it yet. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have the rug pulled out...know what I mean? I don't want to fight or argue or upset her anymore but this is something I just don't know how to approach it or say something...anyone's advice on this would really help at this point.