Telling friend about her fiance's drug use has backfired, what do I do?

[chiefchalupa]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here and I was hoping to hear your wisdom especially the older females who’d been around marriage for a long time…

 

Okay so that’s the story, I am 27 he’s 35.

I married him on 2/2002; we have a boy together. (We didn’t married pregnant we had the baby afterward).

 

After marrying my husband I realized that he had a drug addiction.

All through my pregnancy and even after the baby was born he had a “Speed outbreaks” but he always worked as hard as he could to support the growing family, never missed work or neglected me. 2 months after the baby was born, after he’d been clean for a while and had gone to counseling, he went to a concert with a friend and came back home high. (We had a newborn in the house) he told me that him and that friend did it together, and it not the first time that this friend is encouraging him. I realize that one can only control oneself but I also believe in the old saying “out of sight out of mind”. Finally after all the counseling and his big efforts he’s clean for 10 months now.

 

His friend who is engaged kept doing drugs (and still keep doing it…) and he also lies to his fiancé about it. He told her that he didn’t do it for 2 years, when he can’t even say (in reality) that he didn’t do it for a week.

 

I am afraid that this friend will drag my husband into trouble again this friend calls him 3-4 times a day and I don’t know what he’s telling him but sometimes it makes my husband resentful of me.

 

Last week his fiancé e-mailed me saying that she’s calling her fiancé over and over and he’s not answering, she’s in Japan for the last 7 months, and she said that she wants to come here and get pregnant, I remembered my pregnancy days and how I cried worried about my husband’s addiction not being able to deal with the stress of the pregnancy and the overwhelming addiction, I told her that he’s lying to her.

It was wrong I know, but maybe it would have been even more wrong of me not to tell her? She’s all alone here, no family and he’s addicted and won’t stop being addicted until he’ll get some serious help.

She “betrayed” me and forwarded my e-mail to him and soon enough my husband got a phone call and now he’s angry.

 

I need your advice how to handle this delicate situation.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Sharon.

[Tony T]

You've learned a great lesson in life. There are only a handful of homosapiens who have the discretion and maturity to keep such communication confidential. The greatest majority of people are not able to keep their mouths shut...even professionals who are legally bound to do so. So get it in your head right now, this very moment, that anything you say or write to anyone can end up in the hands of the very people you don't want it to.

 

All that said, you just need to take resonsiblity for what you did and tell your guy you felt it was the best thing to do. Then write these people off and no longer associate with them. What you did certainly has damaged if not destroyed that relationship so I wouldn't even try to repair things. You lady friend showed you no regard or respect by forwarding your letter so the lady you were trying to warn has shoved it up your butt in return. The only relationship you need to concern yourself with is the one with your husband. Talk this out, admit guilt, let him know this was a lapse in judgement and you will try to do better. Obviously the only reason you would be sorry you did it was because it backfired so you need not apologize for the deed.

 

Hopefullly, you will pull through this and move forward. I just hope your husband isn't the type of person who likes to drag things out forever. Both of you need to put this behind you. You also need to put your foot down with your husband regarding his renewed drug use. Insist that it stop. There is nothing positive that can come from it. Get him into treatment if he starts on it again.