Husband coming home soon, I am nervous.

[Athena]

What advice do you have for me? My H works abroad as a contractor and he normally gets to come home every two months. However last time he was home was for Xmas, and he stayed two weeks. He has not been home since.

 

I 'picked' up on his acting strangely at the end of January and in March, and asked him if he was cheating again. He denied it. Since he is so far away, there is no way to check up on him.

Anyway, my gut feeling grew more and more intense until I had a terrible pain physically and I spoke to him on the phone a couple of times. Finally, he confessed in an email that he did have another affair (#8 over 23 years of M to me) but the woman left to look for work in another town (don't know if this is true). I requested him to have a full STD blood work, and he did, and I have seen the scanned results, he is all clear of everything. Sex with us has always been great.

 

I have an appointment with a divorce attorney this Monday. My H knows I am considering divorce, but he is so sure of us, me, and him, that undoubtedly he is relying on his charming nature when he comes back home in two weeks time for our son's graduation from University, to win me over. I am fed up with his disgraceful ethics and behaviors. I feel like I have damaged myself in forgiving him over and over again all these years. I have become 'less than' in my own mind. If my H doesn't cherish me, I won't cherish myself either... it's like my life has been put on hold while I grapple with what to do about my M. A decision has to be made. I never wanted to divorce him, but I don't like his constant cheating either!

 

I am thinking of having him served with divorce papers while he is home. After the graduation ceremony... the next day. This will give him another ten days to gather his emotional strength before he has to head back overseas to work. Is this a good idea?

He doesn't want a divorce. He told me by email yesterday that we will make this M work... but.... I feel a fool for having been betrayed by him over and over again.

 

Please advise me: I have thought of three options: Stay in the house while he is here, cook for the family (two kids home from university) him and me. Or move out to my brother's house (like I have done the last few times my H had cheated and I had found out... I would not see him for several months when he would come home). I would then have my car with me and my H would have to hire a rental car (he used to use the old car but we gave it to our son, cuz his car was written off in an accident recently).

Third option: Fly to my apartment in Europe, completely out of his charming reach, and leave him my car. So, the expense of a rental car for two weeks will be offset against the $900 air ticket.

 

Also -- should he be served with divorce papers during this visit?

I -- in my heart of hearts -- do not want a divorce from this man I have always loved. But his behavior is unacceptable. I think he is addicted to Affairs. And whilst he hasn't had an A with me around, if I go live with him there, it would only be a matter of time I think before he is itching to do it again, with me around, or not.

The marriage counselor told me my H is narcissistic. When I look at Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he is not the most extreme, but it is all there. He is like a nicer version of it, although he certainly has his rages and entitlements, his affairs, and his scornful ways with me.

 

I have been a stay at home mom mostly. I worked part time. I don't have a career built up. If he caries out his previous threats of 'disappearing' on me, I wouldn't be able to stand on my own financially. But that would show him as being less of a man, and I would get through it somehow.

 

He earns very good money. But he earns it abroad. He is not a USA citizen like the kids and me. He just has residency.

I know the lawyer will give me more information about the financial side of it, but my heart is sore.

 

I am so depressed. Been in the house like a recluse for weeks. I had a job and couldn't get out of the house to go to it.

I feel 'shocked' to be on the verge of divorce. I have loved this man fiercely. Now I am just sad sad sad.

 

Do you have any thoughts, advice, or anything at all to tell me?

[amaysngrace]

If my H doesn't cherish me, I won't cherish myself either

 

Do you have any thoughts, advice, or anything at all to tell me?

 

Yes the above statement is backwards.

[Athena]

Yes the above statement is backwards.

 

That's my depression talking.

 

That'll pass.

[Intricategirl]

I think you already know that he's not going to stop cheating on you. So, you've got to decide whether you can live with that. It sounds like to me (and I'll admit that I could be wrong), you've stayed with him because you're not sure what would happen next. And that may very well be a good enough reason. That's why I stayed with mine for 13 years, despite him "falling in love" with someone else every 2-3 years like clockwork. But if that is a good enough reason for you to stay with him, you need to understand that he's not going to change his behavior just because you want him to.

 

You say you want to stay married. You say you want him to stop cheating. Which one do you want more? Sadly, life isn't perfect, and you only get to have one of these, and it will come at the cost of the other. Figure out which one means more to you, and there's your answer.

[Athena]

I think you already know that he's not going to stop cheating on you. So, you've got to decide whether you can live with that. It sounds like to me (and I'll admit that I could be wrong), you've stayed with him because you're not sure what would happen next. And that may very well be a good enough reason. That's why I stayed with mine for 13 years, despite him "falling in love" with someone else every 2-3 years like clockwork. But if that is a good enough reason for you to stay with him, you need to understand that he's not going to change his behavior just because you want him to.

 

You say you want to stay married. You say you want him to stop cheating. Which one do you want more? Sadly, life isn't perfect, and you only get to have one of these, and it will come at the cost of the other. Figure out which one means more to you, and there's your answer.

Thank you Intricategirl, that is very helpful advice. Which do I want more? I guess not being cheated on. He obviously cannot give me that, so I must obviously cut him free... sigh... the idiot.

 

Yes, you are correct -- I stayed with him because he always promised to change, and I didn't know what would happen next. However, ha ha... it's pretty obvious he's not changing his spots now, isn't it? He is almost 49 years old, second marriage, cheating in both marriages. I am sure he will do it to his next W too. Grr.

 

I am 44 years old, nice looking, in shape, and smart. My two kids are at college (i.e. not babies). However, I am not financially independent (yet), I am a romantic (unrealistic?), and I have been naive and too trusting. How does one protect one's heart and not repeat the same mistakes in choosing a man in the future (am not in a hurry).

[Athena]

So you divorced your H? What has happened since? Do you ever regret your decision?

[carhill]

OP, he wouldn't know emotional strength if it poked him in the ass. He's been "thinking" your M for so long it's hard to comprehend.

 

Serve him up and don't concern yourself with him gathering anything other than his personal belongings. Heck, he's hardly there anyway.

 

He can charm someone else

 

You OTOH, can take those really great qualities which he has taken advantage of for years and move forward with confidence. In time, you will see this, if you haven't already. Seeing it is one thing and believing it is another. That's your work

 

Tell me, right now, what is your single biggest fear with serving him up a divorce. Yes, we know he can "disappear" on you financially. Granted. Accepted. What else?

[Athena]

OP, he wouldn't know emotional strength if it poked him in the ass. He's been "thinking" your M for so long it's hard to comprehend.

 

Serve him up and don't concern yourself with him gathering anything other than his personal belongings. Heck, he's hardly there anyway.

 

He can charm someone else

 

You OTOH, can take those really great qualities which he has taken advantage of for years and move forward with confidence. In time, you will see this, if you haven't already. Seeing it is one thing and believing it is another. That's your work

 

Tell me, right now, what is your single biggest fear with serving him up a divorce. Yes, we know he can "disappear" on you financially. Granted. Accepted. What else?

 

Carhill, thank you for your post. I think my single biggest fear is making a mistake in divorcing him.

Is that crazy?

 

Yes, he most certainly will charm someone else (or many others, more likely... he likes the adulation and admiration).

 

He has told me before that he will 'give me everything' that if he doesn't have me, he has nothing, etc etc but I suspect that is just him being Dramatic. I don't want to 'screw him' nor take advantage of him. I just want to protect my heart, and not find myself out on the streets...

 

I have a recent undergrad degree completed from scratch in this country (graduated with high honors) and had started a Master's degree last year, but that was shelved temporarily.

 

I feel like my life force has been drained right out of me. I feel pathetically co-dependent on an unworthy man. I feel Less Than myself.

I was the best wife I knew how to be to him, clearly that wasn't enough to keep him to me... so I must move on, but it hurts. It hurts my heart, my ego, myself...

 

I thought I would be married to him forever. This hurts. It's like being stuck in a mountain and having the choice to cut off a limb, so you can crawl out for help... horrible choice, and I hate him for finding myself faced with this. I should have left a long time ago. But, at least our kids are grown -- two beautiful human beings, who have taken the best of my H and me.

[carhill]

If you are truly meant to be together, what difference will a divorce make? It's a legal ending to the business partnership of marriage. It doesn't end your true connection, if there is one. It merely severs the legal ties. I can tell you that, and I say this as a man who bonds emotionally in very strong way, I haven't once thought, since deciding that D was the most reasonable path to healing, that it was or could be a mistake. I see the reality of incompatibility for what it is. Do you really think this man is compatible with you?

 

I've seen your posts and I like your style. I will go back and read more of your backstory.

[2sunny]

decide what a healthy boundary is for YOU and stick to it.

 

you already know... just hesitant to make the official leap.

 

big hugs!

[Athena]

 

I've seen your posts and I like your style. I will go back and read more of your backstory.

 

decide what a healthy boundary is for YOU and stick to it.

 

you already know... just hesitant to make the official leap.

 

big hugs!

 

Thank you 2sunny and carhill, your posts make me cry. I feel so alone. I will be back soon.

[Intricategirl]

So you divorced your H? What has happened since? Do you ever regret your decision?

 

Nope. To be honest, he left me about a month ago for another woman. I was in the same situation of not having a job or any appreciable skills, not having finished my education, being a stay-at-home-mom, and not having any real direction in life. Two days after he was gone, I made plans to return to school, get my English degree followed by going to law school. Ironically, that's exactly what I was doing when I met him, and it's like I just picked up right where I was 13 years ago. When I came to the realization that the whole 13 years was just some weird sort of getting caught in the doldrums and trying to live up to this unrealistic expectation he wanted to force onto me, I got over him leaving. Since he's left (and mind you, this is less than one month ago), I've gotten a full-time job, been accepted into the University, and literally done every single thing he ever nagged at me to do- not because I want him back, but because that's simply what I have to do now that he's gone. For example, he wanted me to get a job. Well, I need more income, so that happened. He wanted me to cook more. He's not here, so that leaves only one person to make sure the kids get fed. He left for the most superficial reasons, and instead of giving me the strength I needed to achieve what he saw I could do, he drained me so that it wasn't possible when I was married to him. My quality of life has increased so dramatically, and his has decreased substantially.

 

I haven't got a single regret. I stayed that long, despite all the emotional and actual affairs because I didn't know how to leave. Once I didn't need to make the decision, everything worked out almost immediately. And if he walked in the door right now and said that he wants me back, I'd tell him it would be on one condition- that I get to call and talk to the other woman. Once I'm on the phone with her, I'd tell her she needs to get her man under control and she should expect this sort of thing from him a lot, but that if she wants to keep him, she'd better prove how much she loves him. Then I'd hand the phone back to him, give him a gentle shove out the door, and ignore his pathetic @ss.

[marlena]

I was the best wife I knew how to be to him, clearly that wasn't enough to keep him to me...

 

No, Athena, this isn't about you at all. It is all about him. Can't you see that? It has nothing to do with who you were or weren't or what you did or not do. You could have been Betty Crocker and Carla Bruni all wrapped up in one and it would not have made the slightest difference. He is who he is. Period. And he will not change. You either accept it stoically the way a lot of women do or you opt to get out. The choice is yours. A difficult one, I know, but once you have decided which path to take, I think you will feel better.

[Athena]

Intricategirl, wow, I hope I find my strength of resolve again, too, like you did. I used to be Strong. I don't feel it anymore.

And, I think if my H like yours, left, it would force me to see there is no alternative. It makes it a bit harder when I have to fight him for a divorce, makes me the bad guy. But he really has left me with no good alternative.

 

Your story gives me hope that once I make the decision to serve him with divorce papers, I will turn my talents to work for me and to strengthen myself like I used to be.

 

I have run a hot bath, and made myself a cup of tea to sip while in there! I stopped crying after I read YOUR post. It looks like people can survive without their spouse...

 

I should go back to Grad school. I should get a full time job (not part time). I should stop 'waiting' for him.

I need to make it final, in my mind at least, by having him served. Do divorce papers get drawn up so fast? In two weeks? Should I see more than one attorney? I am paying a hefty $350 for this first consult with this guy on Monday... he needs to have knowledge of International law since H and I married elsewhere, H is a citizen of a European country, and gets paid from abroad... if/when I get awarded some alimony I don't know how anyone can 'make' him pay if he rebels and punishes me for giving up on him... will deal with that when it happens. May have to sell this new home... even though he assured me last month he would continue to pay for it (its in both our names)... there are so many 'unknowns'. It's difficult to face.

I haven't even told my mom since she has always told me to suck it up and remain married to him....grr...my brother has always told me to divorce my H but is not one for talking things out... he's a man of few words.

My in-laws are behind me for divorcing H, but they are far away.... I also don't wish to burden them, nor to make them feel anti-H.

 

I am feeling full of fear and trepidation. Really, my hands are shaking now...Grr... I used to be strong, confident, tough as nails heh heh... only person who could affect me otherwise has only been my H.

 

To other posters who have gone through a divorce -- are my feelings 'normal' -- did you go through this, does it pass? Do you feel better once the papers are filed?

I am just a human being, and I am sure I am on a given path, despite feeling I am out there on my own, thousands have gone before me.... it's so difficult.

[Darth Vader]

Sounds like to me your Hubby's a cake eater! Serve him with the papers before you get AIDS girl!

 

What happened with the Sub-Teaching?

 

I'm sure there's a lot of men on here interested on what you look like! (HINT!)

 

You don't need someone like this, girl you can do so much better!

 

And no, I'm not trying to make a pass, just stating the obvious!

[Intricategirl]

I need to make it final, in my mind at least, by having him served. Do divorce papers get drawn up so fast? In two weeks? Should I see more than one attorney? I am paying a hefty $350 for this first consult with this guy on Monday... he needs to have knowledge of International law since H and I married elsewhere, H is a citizen of a European country, and gets paid from abroad... if/when I get awarded some alimony I don't know how anyone can 'make' him pay if he rebels and punishes me for giving up on him... will deal with that when it happens. May have to sell this new home... even though he assured me last month he would continue to pay for it (its in both our names)... there are so many 'unknowns'. It's difficult to face.

 

I can't tell you on that. Despite him leaving me for another woman, we are fairly friendly and we drew the agreement up ourselves, like a contract as to who gets what, and we're keeping it as a legal marriage for now. Although I did tell him yesterday that I want a legal divorce because this isn't really doing much for me. He seemed a little shocked, explained his reasons for wanting to keep it legal, and in the end we agreed to keep it like it is for now. Anyway, I can't give any sort of advice on the legal aspects of it because I haven't been through that and your case sounds like it's difficult.

 

And apart from that, don't look at me and my emotions like I'm the norm. These boards are full of people who left their spouses or had their spouses leave them. And sometimes I feel like I'm the only one standing there yelling, "Woohoo!! My husband left me for another woman!! THANK GAWD!!!!" lol

[Athena]

No, Athena, this isn't about you at all. It is all about him. Can't you see that? It has nothing to do with who you were or weren't or what you did or not do. You could have been Betty Crocker and Carla Bruni all wrapped up in one and it would not have made the slightest difference. He is who he is. Period. And he will not change. You either accept it stoically the way a lot of women do or you opt to get out. The choice is yours. A difficult one, I know, but once you have decided which path to take, I think you will feel better.

 

Thank you Marlena... it's always difficult to understand Why! I thought at least if it's something I could do, then it would be in my control to change for the better.

 

Funny thing is, my H has often told me its nothing I have done! He admits its him. But then asks me not to give up on him! grr

[Athena]

And sometimes I feel like I'm the only one standing there yelling, "Woohoo!! My husband left me for another woman!! THANK GAWD!!!!" lol

 

Lol...

 

So -- even though you haven't filed divorce papers yet, you have somehow managed to turn the focus onto yourself and make the best of it... this is pretty unique, isn't it? A lot of people would try to fight for their spouse back, or become depressed so as not to make ANY decision... good or bad (this is me I think).

[Athena]

So what is a good protocol for a Divorce- to- be? Should I avoid staying at home, in the guest room, or even in our bed with no sex/ with sex :laugh:

 

Should I leave him on his own with the kids after the Sunday graduation (he arrives Friday night)... so he can see what divorced life will be like?

 

I am sure he thinks he's going to come back and sweep me off my feet... grr

[carhill]

Athena, you need to understand that he draws energy from his affairs and that is what allows him to "sweep you off your feet". It's a compartmentalized psychological process. You're his "at home" affair.

 

Personally, if you intend to pursue a D, I'd be consistent from the start. Don't save face for the graduation. Of course, be there for your children. If you can't manage that in the same domicile, then go stay at your brother's. You see, he's banking on you "doing the right thing" and it then becomes part of his game plan to manipulate you. Consistency is a behavior men respect. So is clarity. Make your decision and be clear about it.

 

Your children are smarter about this than you may realize right now. I think you'll have many revelations and a few surprises in store for you if you act in a way which is healthy for you. I wish you well

[hopesndreams]

Athena, I'm replying to this thread of yours without reading any of the other comments, yet.

 

These last 2 months, since my D day, I have really enjoyed your posts, you have a huge heart and you try to help those in need the best way you can, I admire that.

 

You are such a strong woman for putting up with what you have put up with, don't ever doubt your strength and fortitude. Others would have crumbled and you have not. If you have come to the realization that your marriage is over then do what is necessary, for YOU. You have given so many chances to your H and he is such a pig headed swine, but you love him. He doesn't deserve it, of course, and no matter what he says about changing his ways, and no more affairs, you do know that is beyond what he is capable of. People do have good intentions but they just don't follow through, sadly.

 

You are a smart cookie. You do what needs to be done and only you know what you have to do.

[Lizzie60]

Athena.. if I were you, here's what I would do...

 

since your husband works far away and only comes home every now and then for a couple of weeks.. and you know he's fooling around while he's gone.. why just leave it at that...

 

Why divorce? Do you honestly think you'll be better off.. I mean financially, etc...

 

Why not.. just leave him alone.. do your things.. enjoy your life.. have an A too.. yes.. you can too.. just stay married for the kids and the 'convenience'... don't even bother telling him.. Even if he finds out.. who cares, he's done it to you so many times.. there is not much he can say..

 

I would live as a 'single married woman'...

 

But, again.. that's what I would do..

[Lizzie60]

I have talked about this old couple before..

 

They are 90 and 91.. still living together (in an old age residence)... they've been married over 65 years I think...

 

They love each other very much.. but he has cheated most of his M... he had the same OW for over 25 years...

 

I think she knew about his A.. but she was a SAHM.. and she was/is extremely religious.. so D was out of the question.

 

I think he probably stopped cheating many years ago.. they are now old and still together.. she's a very tiny old grannie... he's still quite a big guy.. he still take her every night in his big rocking chair and sing to her... They are so cute together..

 

Sometimes.. you can go through a rough time.. but eventually things might calm down.. who knows.. but in the meantime.. just think about yourself.. and your kids.. never mind him..

 

He'll eventually stop.. I doubt he will leave you for another woman.. he probably knows what his lost would be..

[Admiral]

He is cheating. Men aren't supposed to get into long distance exclusive relationships.

[Montclair0011]

I'm not sure what I would do if faced with in a similar situation, but here's some of my thoughts. First off I'm wondering how long you have lived apart for so many months and how that affects the whole situation and if things would be different if he was closer (and if that is a possibility). Any marriage would be at risk with a LD factor. You can't even go to an MC.

 

But, on the other hand. . .

 

If you are unsure of what you want, why push the matter and slap him with divorce papers right away? What's the big hurry? You need to operate from a better position of personal power. He clearly does what's best for him and you should do what's best for you.

 

Given your lack of employment and unfinished education, wouldn't it make better sense to get yourself closer to true financial independence before pulling the plug? At age 44 you don't want to wait forever to start over looking for love (I'm over 50 and it's a tough to get a date unless you hang out in retirement homes). But, it's also hard to be an attractive prospect when you are poor and unemployed, so be careful.

 

I would recommend first having a long conference with the lawyer about what kind of settlement you might be getting. You really need detailed information about what your divorced life would be like before making sudden, dramatic changes.

 

Also, can you ask for a separation instead of a divorce? I know it's weird since you spend so much time apart, but that would allow you to try dating again without turning into a cheater yourself. That is also a big risk but it's less final than divorce.

 

You could also, as another poster has suggested, just turn a blind eye to his cheating and go on forever with the security of being married and financially secure. That solution probably works for some, including those who have affairs themselves (or Open Marriage), but from your post it does not sound that would be acceptable for you (I know it would not be for me).