Husband coming home soon, I am nervous.

[ForumFool]

(((Althena))) you already know my hope is you get a divorce.....and I am proud on your movement towards that. I can only answer a few of your questions....1... Do not sleep with him ....in some states even no fault sleeping with him shows you CAN mend your differences..that will if he comes to court blow your case..I KNOW this for a fact because I have one divorce behind me and my lawyer told me NO SEX and the judge did ask in open count ..2 It depends on how busy your lawyer is and what kind of staff they have if they can file in time to serve him..I would ask.......Frankly I would not be at the house or ask him to stay at a motel..I would not be alone with him you may get all weak or he could turn things..When you married him you did not ask to have 8 PLUS other people in your marriage....I recall a while back you stated you thought about going there now and then per his request but you felt you had (or valued) more with your family and house and kids.....YOU can and will do better.....I know it hurts and I am sorry for all the pain this dude has thrown your way but .....you are on the right path..I would also ask for support for a couple years till you get on your feet

[Athena]

(((Althena))) you already know my hope is you get a divorce.....and I am proud on your movement towards that. I can only answer a few of your questions....1... Do not sleep with him ....in some states even no fault sleeping with him shows you CAN mend your differences..that will if he comes to court blow your case..I KNOW this for a fact because I have one divorce behind me and my lawyer told me NO SEX and the judge did ask in open count ..

 

Thank you, Forum, for your hug and advice NOT to sleep with him! That is a very helpful point you have made, and I will make sure not to stay in the house with him. You see, my Mom-in-law and sister-in-law, told me a few months ago that they 'forgave' him BECAUSE I obviously did, when I began sleeping with him again! Granted, I did stay away from him for several months before I let him back into my bed... but the bottom line is when you sleep with your cheating spouse, this indicates Forgiveness, and then HOW are you supposed to even 'consider' divorce when you have forgiven them for infidelity?!

[ForumFool]

Thank you, Forum, for your hug and advice NOT to sleep with him! That is a very helpful point you have made, and I will make sure not to stay in the house with him. You see, my Mom-in-law and sister-in-law, told me a few months ago that they 'forgave' him BECAUSE I obviously did, when I began sleeping with him again! Granted, I did stay away from him for several months before I let him back into my bed... but the bottom line is when you sleep with your cheating spouse, this indicates Forgiveness, and then HOW are you supposed to even 'consider' divorce when you have forgiven them for infidelity?!

 

Anytime you're one of my favorite people on this site...and yes the court see's it like your inlaws.....now maybe this law has changed by now but when I got my divorce .....it made it all a waste of time and you had to go like 6 months nooo sex again... So my lawyer nagged the heck out of me to avoid him and have zero sexual contact.....As she cost a fortune I am glad I listened because all that hard work she did and cash I paid would have been for nothing....AVOID HIM LIKE THE PLAGUE ..He may weep anything to draw you into bed....or even back to him..I am so glad your inlaws may be on your side too....

[2sunny]

but the bottom line is when you sleep with your cheating spouse, this indicates Forgiveness, and then HOW are you supposed to even 'consider' divorce when you have forgiven them for infidelity?!

 

huh? that is your perspective?

 

i disagree... sometimes a spouse sleeps with their married partner because they always have - out of habit - or because they are lonely - or tired - or horny - or weak - or because they think they can get back the person they once loved... a long time ago before they were cheated on.... maybe just because for a split second they have some hope that the spouse will magically become a decent person by osmosis. get it?

 

how can you be expected to forgive someone when they aren't even sorry they did the action? even if he says he's sorry - his actions of doing it over and over tell you that he's not sorry at all.

 

they can't magically become something they are not - faithful. especially when they aren't even willing to try.

 

sometimes we have to just expect that we accept the truth for what it is. he's a cheater - am i willing to live with a cheater for the rest of my life or am i willing to move forward and learn how to be happy on my own.

 

for me, the happy on my own is SO MUCH better! peace of mind and self respect are a beautiful thing. i didn't get here overnight... it took some major missteps on my behalf getting to the happy part of it all - but now that i am firmly planted in knowing what it looks like to be happy without him AND loving it... what a relief it is not to constantly worry about what he is or isn't doing behind my back.

 

let him go do that crap to someone else. you deserve more than what he is willing to put into a relationship - much less a marriage.

[marlena]

Lizzie's alternative way of dealing with this is something I would give consideration. If you think you can detach emotionally and go on with your life as if you weren't married, then, maybe there's your solution. When I was married, I thought of it many times but I just couldn't do it, partly because it was not in my character to do so and partly because I was still madly in love with my husband and each new affair of his was a dagger to my heart. Somehow, judging by the fraught emotion in your posts, I think that you are like me in this respect. But of course, you know yourself better than anyone on here.

 

Forum makes an intersting legal point. It's like that here where I live too but only in so far as it concerns what we call here the "automatic" divorce. This is a divorce that is automatically issued when two partners have been estranged for at least four years providing of course that the partner seeking the divorce can come up with proof. Living with him and having sex with him would mean that your marriage is still in effect and that would set you back time-wise in the legal procedure. I don't know if this kind of divorce exists in the U.S. but it is something to look into if you were married there. Why not talk to lawyer and get your ducks in a row before doing anything at all? You need to be informed about all aspects before you act.

[Athena]

I'm wondering how long you have lived apart for so many months and how that affects the whole situation and if things would be different if he was closer (and if that is a possibility). Any marriage would be at risk with a LD factor. You can't even go to an MC.

For the first seven years we were Constantly together!!! Every free moment! Even when he finished at university and started work, we moved very close to his workplace and he would come home for lunch everday, and a swim, or a run! He would be home five minutes after work ended at 5pm! and the weekends we were together.

Then we emigrated to Europe from our country. He was unemployed for a few months and funds ran out, he landed a job in *a country* for three months and we stayed behind (the kids and I). Then he came home until he got a job in *b Country*... he was home every other weekend, and I visited him on my own several times over the next two years he worked there... my mom and sister looked after the kids when I went to him.

He loved the Single lifestyle, started his affairs....His next contract in *c country* I insisted we move with him, he agreed. The job only lasted 6 months, then he got a job back in *b country* for 10 months...we were with him. When we came to the USA, he got a job back in *c country* for seven months, coming to visit us every three weeks, stayed one week, went back for another three weeks...

Then he stayed in the USA with us for six months to go back to school. We ran out of money, since we brought his daughter over and she wasn't allowed to attend a public school on her type of visa (we hadn't known this) the subsequent expense of her schooling of $26 000.00 was what rapidly depleted our savings and forced him back into the job market just six months later!

Of course it is impossible to maintain a very close marriage with a LDR, but I have to tell you he also cheated on his previous wife 5 times in the 6 years without a LDR, so really, how much of it is HIM, and how much of it is the LD? I personally believe he SET HIS JOB UP like this to be AWAY from the daily grind and childcare duties!!!!!!!! He ate out at restaurants, hung out at pubs, played pool, sometimes he was enrolled in long-distance studies, sometimes not, and would have an 'eye for the ladies' -- this is self-proclaimed, mind you!

 

Even when he has been 'between jobs' (unemployed) for six months, or four months, he has been rebellious about going to MC... he only went some times, to 'placate me' or to show me he was turning over a new leaf.

 

But, on the other hand. . .

 

If you are unsure of what you want, why push the matter and slap him with divorce papers right away? What's the big hurry?

The big hurry is

not actually such a big hurry. After his affair number 6, I CLEARLY told him that if he EVER cheated again, I would divorce him. Since I had never ever mentioned the divorce word, he took me seriously. So -- he had affair number 7, and I told him she can have him. That he must pack his bags and go to her. To move in with her (38 year old local Asian lady where he works) and her mom (in the mom's apartment) and to eat Kimchi for the rest of his life! (he hates Kimchi)... but he didn't ... he later found out his xOW had gotten together with his buddy, ha ha... and now the two of them are engaged... well, he went back THERE to the same place after a few months... met up with xOW and her lover, and when the lover left for another country my H continued to meet up with xOW until I told him to cut it out.... grr... so... he was home for two weeks Dec-Jan. He went back to work, and got involved with some local barmaid... affair # 8. It took him a few weeks to admit the truth to me, since I was telling him I knew he was lying to me, and my intuition was telling me he was having another affair... he finally admitted it.

Is this really so 'sudden'? The bar-steward that he is, has been enjoying this lifestyle for the past 15 years out of the 23 we've been married... we didn't get to meet up in March, because he was with this OW. I hate him.

If I never get up the nerve to divorce him, it will just be more of the same. I have even asked him if he wants an Open Marriage, but no, of course he doesn't ...

 

Here is the bottom line. I feel I have my life force sucked out of me by this man. That he has drawn my strength out of me, and into him. I feel the only way to break free from him is to legally divorce him. That way I will NOT have to concern myself with what he is up to and who he is with.

The more I allow myself to be married to him the longer I feel helpless. I know I must fight to break free from his cobwebs of deception.

I almost don't recognize myself anymore. Who would have thought I would put up with so much bs from Anyone?! I used to have my dignity intact!

You need to operate from a better position of personal power. He clearly does what's best for him and you should do what's best for you.

I understand this. The counselor told me that one of my options is to 'accept' this and turn a blind eye to what he's up to... that even if I choose not to sleep with him, I could just keep the status quo and be financially 'comfy' and that she says he's not going to divorce me... sure... I assume he won't because he likes the status of being married for 23 years (looks successful), plus the marital status gives him an Escape Clause built into each affair that he starts -- he always tells him he is a happily married man and loves me, and will never leave me. Then, when he has had enough of them, he weeps about feeling guilty and bad for cheating on his dear wife, and they guiltily let him go! With no repercussions. He is a swine... he texted me the other day to say he just wants to come home, but would he be allowed through at the airport because of all the swine flu going around? I told him later by email that he is a swine and he should be stopped at the airport, lol... I was mad cuz I read an email he sent to some woman when she asked him why his wife is not with him, he replied that I want to stay in the USA 'for the kids' and I snappily emailed him he is a liar, it's not for the kids, but because he has had affairs there in that town, and I will not go there to be looked up and down by everyone who saw him with his fOW on his arm for almost a year! Ugh... makes me sick in the pit of my stomach... and to think he went and had another woman just recently!!!! He is disgusting. He cannot even wait and abstain from sex with these people... not even to prove to me or to himself that he can stop having affairs... not even to save his M. And HE is the one who cries loudest at the thought of us not working out... in fact he is so sure and confident that we will be fine!!!!!

 

Given your lack of employment and unfinished education, wouldn't it make better sense to get yourself closer to true financial independence before pulling the plug?

Yes, I am not employed. But I do have my degree in Bachelor of Science, and I had started a Masters, and can go back to it next semester... if that is possible financially. If not, <shrug> my husband cannot buy me for any amount of money. No man can. I would rather live on olives and bread than be someone's kept woman. At least I have a fully paid-for apartment in Europe from my mom... at the very least I could go there and take up English tutoring again. There is a way to survive, granted I won't have my lovely house, car, and pool, but so be the price of Freedom!

At age 44 you don't want to wait forever to start over looking for love (I'm over 50 and it's a tough to get a date unless you hang out in retirement homes). But, it's also hard to be an attractive prospect when you are poor and unemployed, so be careful.

I understand what you are saying. All I know is that I am disgusted with his behavior, and I feel guilty in enabling him, by not giving him severe enough consequences. Clearly, punishing him each time by withdrawing physically from him for six months was not enough... because each time I would accept him back... he probably feels it's just a matter of time before all is back to normal.

Frankly, if no one wants me... so be it.... of course I would like to find a man to love, and who loves me and wants to share his life with me!

I certainly get approached a lot by men of all ages (and also men much younger too! ha ha). All I say is "thank you, but I am married". But if I am not married, and I linger a bit to hear them out? Won't I get to meet anyone decent?

On the other hand, I must say, I have been reading the Marriage board quite a bit and the Infidelity board too, and my heart drops to see How many marriages are sexless!!!!! I would not want to settle for that! I would rather be alone, than be with a man who didn't enjoy sex. Or be with my H who has a predilection for cheating whenever his whim hits. grr:mad::mad:

 

My mom and my grandma spent YEARS without a man after their husbands died!!!!!! My grandma died at the age of 99 two weeks ago... she outlived her dear husband by 60 years and one day.

My mom, also widowed at age 39 just like her mom, is 74 today, and still has never been with another man since my dad died!!!!

So, who am I to complain? If I divorce, and do not find anyone to date, heck, it's a tough price to pay... but my mom and her mom have done just fine without it... grr to my H yet again!!!!

 

I would recommend first having a long conference with the lawyer about what kind of settlement you might be getting. You really need detailed information about what your divorced life would be like before making sudden, dramatic changes.

 

Also, can you ask for a separation instead of a divorce?

Thank you Montclaire, I will look into the advantages of a Separation when I see the lawyer on Monday.

Look, I'm not stupid and I do see the sense in what you are saying about 'looking before I leap' but I am so mad at my H's constant cheating! I am also angry at myself. I feel like a wimp, letting him get away with treating me very disrespectfully. I also don't like being depressed and staying home day in day out... only going out to social events I cannot avoid (then enjoying myself) but hiding out in misery at home. I have to force myself out of this Stuckness, and a good way of doing this is to make that Decision of divorce that has been the obvious choice for the past decade of his infidelities... I am not doing myself any good by postponing the action. It is further weakening me.

 

You could also, as another poster has suggested, just turn a blind eye to his cheating and go on forever with the security of being married and financially secure. That solution probably works for some, including those who have affairs themselves (or Open Marriage), but from your post it does not sound that would be acceptable for you (I know it would not be for me).

As I said, my counselor said some women opt for this. But I am (or at least I was) too proud to be treated so shoddily. When you allow your loved one to treat you like this, your self-image goes down. Your self-esteem, no matter how healthy it was before, gets negatively affected. I am so very, very tired of focusing all my energies and strengths on H's misdemeanors. I want to be free. Maybe life outside the gilded cage won't be so easy, but on the other hand, maybe life in the cage is not that great either.

[Athena]

Anytime you're one of my favorite people on this site...

 

********************

 

I am so glad your inlaws may be on your side too....

 

Aww, thank you!

 

Yes -- my inlaws love me, my mom in law says she doesn't know anyone kinder and more lovely than me! Lol! and she is one tough bird! She takes no nonsense from anyone (except her H, lol).

Honestly, my H's family is wonderful... how he turned out the way he has, I have NO idea! His brother and sister are honest people, with Integrity!

[Athena]

but the bottom line is when you sleep with your cheating spouse, this indicates Forgiveness, and then HOW are you supposed to even 'consider' divorce when you have forgiven them for infidelity?!

 

huh? that is your perspective?

No, but when my in-laws were texting me back and forth in February... it made me Stop and Think!

 

i disagree... sometimes a spouse sleeps with their married partner because they always have - out of habit - or because they are lonely - or tired - or horny - or weak - or because they think they can get back the person they once loved... a long time ago before they were cheated on.... maybe just because for a split second they have some hope that the spouse will magically become a decent person by osmosis. get it?

Yes, I still loved him. I slept with him. I believed he wanted to change.

 

how can you be expected to forgive someone when they aren't even sorry they did the action? even if he says he's sorry - his actions of doing it over and over tell you that he's not sorry at all.

 

they can't magically become something they are not - faithful. especially when they aren't even willing to try.

This is true. Now I know this. But if I had divorced him after D-day #1, 2, 3, or 4 -- there would have always been a niggling question and I would be doubting if I had made the right decision... however, after D-day 5 (his seventh affair) I had had Enough... but he was manipulative, cried/wept, threatened suicide, etc

 

 

sometimes we have to just expect that we accept the truth for what it is. he's a cheater - am i willing to live with a cheater for the rest of my life or am i willing to move forward and learn how to be happy on my own.

I am willing to move forward. I do not want to devote the rest of my life to him. He is simply not worth it. He gives the same 'love' and attention to some OW he's met for a week!!!! as he does to me, his W of two decades, the mother of his children, etc etc...

 

for me, the happy on my own is SO MUCH better! peace of mind and self respect are a beautiful thing. i didn't get here overnight... it took some major missteps on my behalf getting to the happy part of it all - but now that i am firmly planted in knowing what it looks like to be happy without him AND loving it... what a relief it is not to constantly worry about what he is or isn't doing behind my back.

THAT is what I need to hear! That others have done it successfully and not looked back! Thank you.

 

let him go do that crap to someone else. you deserve more than what he is willing to put into a relationship - much less a marriage.

Oh, and you KNOW he will! He will do this to another woman... I am going to have to warn her, but I doubt she will listen to me! I simply KNOW he will be re-married within one year... any bets on here?

[Athena]

Lizzie's alternative way of dealing with this is something I would give consideration. If you think you can detach emotionally and go on with your life as if you weren't married, then, maybe there's your solution. When I was married, I thought of it many times but I just couldn't do it, partly because it was not in my character to do so and partly because I was still madly in love with my husband and each new affair of his was a dagger to my heart. Somehow, judging by the fraught emotion in your posts, I think that you are like me in this respect. But of course, you know yourself better than anyone on here.

Aah, Marlena... yes I am just like you! We are cut from the same cloth...

 

Why not talk to lawyer and get your ducks in a row before doing anything at all? You need to be informed about all aspects before you act.

I have two weeks to get my ducks in a row. I see a lawyer on Monday! We were not married in the USA... my lawyer has good knowledge of international law so he will advise me.

If my lawyer tells me not do do anything during this visit of my H's then I will listen to him.

I guess I will just go stay at my brother's house... again... but... I have a Graduation Party planned for my son at our house right after his univ. ceremony, and all the family and some of his friends are invited so I will have to be home for that...

Other than that, my H knows the norm is he cheats, he doesn't see my face for six months... but I have always talked to him on the phone during those times. My counselor pointed out that I don't want to be charmed by my H's lies... and yes, plus, I don't want to sleep with him. Although after his A #7 D-day last January, I didn't go to my brother's house, I stayed here in the guest room for two months until he left for a job in Europe! And he was constantly trying to kiss me, or hug me, and I wouldn't let him...but it's easier if I remove myself completely.

[2sunny]

it takes a while to get a divorce finalized... so he's got plenty of time to keep up his little charade with his OW(s). after his excuse of not being married anymore isn't useful some gal will try to nail him down on marriage again.

 

he'll probably do it right away (mine did - married 20 years, took 2 years to get D final, then he married someone he barely knew 2 months after the D was finished). some men just really like the idea of being married. some really LOVE being married. some men just don't know how to be faithful.

 

now one year later he can't figure out why he is so unhappy in his marriage... i wish i could tell him but i won't. it's best that i continue to stay out of it completely.

 

i don't blame him for getting remarried- he loved being married... he just couldn't resist anyone or anything. for instance, if he was totally full from a meal and you put food in front of him... he would still eat it - knowing he wasn't hungry at all. no self control at all. what made it even worse was that he was extremely attractive. he caught the eye of even the most beautiful women. combine that with a man that had no self control... disaster.

[marlena]

THAT is what I need to hear! That others have done it successfully and not looked back! Thank you.

 

Ok then, here goes. I was in exactly your position many years ago. We even share the same heritage and you know what that means. After years of putting up with my ex's affairs, I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents. I thought that they would throw a fit because divorce was a dirty word in my family but guess what? They gave me theri fullest support because they could see what a jerk my ex was and how miserable he was making me.

 

The first time, I left him. I talked to my parents, left my daughter with them in another part of the country, picked up whatever could fit in the car and drove off to the new apartment that my father had bought for me. I did not see my ex or call him for over a year. And then he called me and asked for asecond chance. Like you, I wanted to believe he could change and gave him that second chance. I still loved him in a way and wanted to give it a try for myslef and my daughter. Guess what? Within six months he was in his next affair only I didn't know it at the time. I suspected but I had no proof. His OW called me and revealed everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was on the phone to a lawyer the same night and in the morning I was sitting in his office. It took 14 years to get to that office.

 

Never, ever regretted it for a minute. My only regret was not having divorced him earlier. How did I feel? Relieved, happy,serene. I made friends and started having the time of my life.

 

Remember that song? "I've been down so long, it looks like up to me". Well, that's what I realized when I was finally free of the chains of my marriage. I was surprised to see that life was not all misery. That people were happy. That I could be happy. It was like coming out of the darkness into the light.

[Athena]

Athena, you need to understand that he draws energy from his affairs and that is what allows him to "sweep you off your feet". It's a compartmentalized psychological process. You're his "at home" affair.

 

Personally, if you intend to pursue a D, I'd be consistent from the start. Don't save face for the graduation. Of course, be there for your children. If you can't manage that in the same domicile, then go stay at your brother's. You see, he's banking on you "doing the right thing" and it then becomes part of his game plan to manipulate you. Consistency is a behavior men respect. So is clarity. Make your decision and be clear about it.

 

Your children are smarter about this than you may realize right now. I think you'll have many revelations and a few surprises in store for you if you act in a way which is healthy for you. I wish you well

 

Thank you Carhill, yes my counselor once told me that my H is having an affair with ME! It was shocking but true! I guess that's how my H likes his R's.

 

As for the clarity and consistency, thank you. Yes, that is usually my style of communication too. If the lawyer says to keep it quiet, then I will do that... but if not, then I sure will be clear with my H, although he doesn't necessarily deserve it (truth) after hiding it so much himself... sigh...

 

Yes, my children basically expect me to leave him. They are okay with that. I have told them to love their father and not to 'pick sides' and they are smart and supportive. I am sure you are right... they will be great about it.

Thank you for your well wishes.

[marlena]

I guess I will just go stay at my brother's house... again... but... I have a Graduation Party planned for my son at our house right after his univ. ceremony, and all the family and some of his friends are invited so I will have to be home for that...

 

Yes, of course, you have to attend your son's graduation. You both do. It's a special day for your son and he deserves to have both his parents there. You'll pull it off grandly..I know you will..

 

Other than that, my H knows the norm is he cheats, he doesn't see my face for six months...

 

I understand this but it's not working, is it? It's not stopping him. It's only killing you.

 

Don't worry Athena. The future has a way of taking care of itself. Things will somehow, someway work themselves out. You'll see.

[Athena]

it takes a while to get a divorce finalized... so he's got plenty of time to keep up his little charade with his OW(s). after his excuse of not being married anymore isn't useful some gal will try to nail him down on marriage again.

 

he'll probably do it right away (mine did - married 20 years, took 2 years to get D final, then he married someone he barely knew 2 months after the D was finished). some men just really like the idea of being married. some really LOVE being married. some men just don't know how to be faithful.

 

now one year later he can't figure out why he is so unhappy in his marriage... i wish i could tell him but i won't. it's best that i continue to stay out of it completely.

 

i don't blame him for getting remarried- he loved being married... he just couldn't resist anyone or anything. for instance, if he was totally full from a meal and you put food in front of him... he would still eat it - knowing he wasn't hungry at all. no self control at all. what made it even worse was that he was extremely attractive. he caught the eye of even the most beautiful women. combine that with a man that had no self control... disaster.

 

Wow, what a recipe for disaster! A man with poor impulse control and no forethought... Actually, my H is remarkably similar to your xH. And I am very, very sure my H will be married quickly... the Asian women where he works LIKE foreigners because they act like real gentlemen, unlike the local men... who treat their women like second-hand citizens... so my H will be a target for them. And, how can he deny them? I bet one accidentally falls pregnant?! Good luck to him because he hates crying babies... and I am sure no future wife of his is going to let him go work from country to country without her! Nope, he's going to be unhappy too, just like your H.

 

I truly hope a divorce wont take 2 years! OMGosh... WHY? Hopefully not in our case... there's nothing to divvy up apart from a new house and our personal belongings... no 401, no stocks and bonds, no savings, nothing... just his good salary... and if he likes, with just one phone call he can divert the money coming to the joint bank account here, and go directly to him. So be it.

[ForumFool]

Bingo me too on being soo happy when I got my divorce...well not that day but within weeks...I was free and had fun, saw my friends again , made friends.....was free of his lies....he didn't cheat but he lied like crazy and was abusive........I put him in jail has 3 dollars to my name and within a year had my own house.....a good life...YOU CAN DO IT.

 

Then like an idiot I married the dude I am now divorcing 2 years later.....lol DON'T be like me in that respect...now I have to leave another liar who tried to cheat and maybe did ....

 

You have family support and either place to live...you will be ok ....more hugs

[Athena]

Within six months he was in his next affair only I didn't know it at the time. I suspected but I had no proof. His OW called me and revealed everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was on the phone to a lawyer the same night and in the morning I was sitting in his office. It took 14 years to get to that office.

 

Never, ever regretted it for a minute. My only regret was not having divorced him earlier. How did I feel? Relieved, happy,serene. I made friends and started having the time of my life.

 

 

It took you 14 years to get to the lawyer's office... and I fully understand that... it has taken me 15 years from his first A, to now, for me to finally make that call to the lawyer (first time I ever phoned a lawyer)...

 

Thank you Marlena for sharing your story. It certainly gives me hope for a happy ending in my case too.

The only difference is that previously my mom told me not to divorce him. Then the last time she would fluctuate from "Don't divorce him, do you think you will find better?!" to "Whatever you think is best for you..." but very quickly go back to the No Divorce mantra.

Hmm... methinks I will phone her now... and let her know what's been going on... she's back in her motherland, and has been since February, so knows nothing about A #8. I am curious what she will say this time?

[Athena]

 

Don't worry Athena. The future has a way of taking care of itself. Things will somehow, someway work themselves out. You'll see.

 

Thank you, Marlena. Thank you.

[marlena]

Thank you, Marlena. Thank you.

 

You're welcome, Athena. My little sister's name is Athena by the way! Lovely, lovely name!!

[Athena]

You're welcome, Athena. My little sister's name is Athena by the way! Lovely, lovely name!!

 

That's why I picked it!

[Athena]

These last 2 months, since my D day, I have really enjoyed your posts, you have a huge heart and you try to help those in need the best way you can, I admire that.

 

You are such a strong woman for putting up with what you have put up with, don't ever doubt your strength and fortitude. Others would have crumbled and you have not.

You are a smart cookie. You do what needs to be done and only you know what you have to do.

 

Thank you hopesndreams! I really do appreciate your words, both to hear your compliments, and your belief in my strength and fortitude for putting up with a difficult H.

[Athena]

since your husband works far away and only comes home every now and then for a couple of weeks.. and you know he's fooling around while he's gone.. why just leave it at that...

 

Why divorce? Do you honestly think you'll be better off.. I mean financially, etc...

 

Why not.. just leave him alone.. do your things.. enjoy your life.. have an A too.. yes.. you can too.. just stay married for the kids and the 'convenience'... don't even bother telling him.. Even if he finds out.. who cares, he's done it to you so many times.. there is not much he can say..

 

Hi Lizzie Been thinking about your posts... I could very well do that -- maintain the status quo of keeping the M intact, and accepting that he will have the odd A every now and again... But -- the problem is that all his affairs have chipped away not only at my self-esteem, but at my Love for him! In retrospect I would have been better off emotionally, physically, mentally, and career wise, had I dropped him a long, long, time ago. I do not advocate giving several chances to any other BS!

I don't feel the same about him!

I was crazy in love with my H. Now, I am angry with him and want to push him away. Last year I felt so desperate about my love for him that I made sure to emotionally detach from him, and his latest affair was like one of the last nails in the coffin... I am wary of him. I do not want to fall back in love with him because I am looking at him slightly differently... whilst I can see his good points still, I just am not crazy about him anymore. I am really pissed off. Now, the goal is Indifference, not anger or love or any other passionate emotion...

 

Also, as far as having other R's while maintaining the facade of M with H -- I don't want to settle for a part-time man again, cuz I have had exactly this for over a decade now with my H working mostly abroad... he had opportunities of a local job or two, and made sure he was as rude as can be at the final interview with the VP of the company that is: he arrived Late, asked the VP Who he was!! -- hadn't done his h/w to find out!, answered his cell phone from his brother asking how the interview had gone, and being horrified that he was in the middle of it!, H asked the VP WHY HE wanted him(H) to work for him!!!, commented that he is used to working on HUGE scale and what the company had could 'fit in a shoebox' insult?, spoke rudely about his previous boss! (urr, a portend of things to come?), said right off the bat he's not interested in a Staff position because thats just the company spreading you over the barrel to 'roger' you!

Need I go on? He just didn't want to work locally... grrr... asked his brother after the interview to tell him the 'benefits' of working close to your family!!!

Now, what kind of an Intimate relationship can a man like this maintain long-term?

Sometimes.. you can go through a rough time.. but eventually things might calm down.. who knows.. but in the meantime.. just think about yourself.. and your kids.. never mind him..

 

He'll eventually stop.. I doubt he will leave you for another woman.. he probably knows what his lost would be..

I used to think we'd grow old together -- H and me, but I don't want to wait for him to get to his 70's to quit cheating! Plus -- H always throws a pity party on the subject of longevity -- says he's got 'ten years left' Great, what a lovely prospect to look forward to...not.

 

Hmm... whilst I agree with you that H won't leave me for another woman, he also wont leave other women for me.

[Lizzie60]

I understand what you're saying.. but my point was.. since you haven't left him many many years ago.. your chances of 'starting fresh' with someone else is getting thinner.. not because of your age.. but because you will be way pickier this time..

 

My point was.. live like you were roomate.. don't have sex with him.. remain married... for the financial aspect.. do YOUR things.. never mind him..

 

You say you don't love him anymore (maybe I read wrong).. so why would you just enjoy being a married 'single'... he's not around most of the time anyway.

 

I wanted to do this with my first ex.. I wanted him to have a mistress.. so he would leave me alone and I would do my things.. (I had no intentions of cheating)... but I just wanted to live like roomates.. we were financially secure and for the children..

[Athena]

since you haven't left him many many years ago.. your chances of 'starting fresh' with someone else is getting thinner.. not because of your age.. but because you will be way pickier this time..

 

My point was.. live like you were roomate.. don't have sex with him.. remain married... for the financial aspect.. do YOUR things.. never mind him..

 

You say you don't love him anymore (maybe I read wrong).. so why would you just enjoy being a married 'single'... he's not around most of the time anyway.

 

So you and your first ex didn't try out the roomate thing?

 

My H would never want to revert back to 'just friends'... he says he wants me as his Wife, and his friend, and why would he lose the W aspect? I guess without sex it is just being roomates.

 

Look, I can consider that, but what about my needs?

I agree with you that this time around I would be far 'pickier' about a mate than I was at age 21! This time I would see the Red Flags much sooner. This time I would not get married within 7 months!

 

I feel very sad about this whole mess.

If someone could just look into their crystal glass ball and assure me my H wouldn't ever cheat again, then yes, I would give it another shot, and go live with him. I know we would have to learn to live together again, since we haven't done this full time for the better part of the past 15 years.

Even when he was unemployed at home for several months, I was not working and I was available to him at home. Now who's to say we could even figure out life together if he had his career and I started mine? sigh.

 

There are just too many unknowns. And while it may be true that there are these same unknowns at the beginning of any intimate relationship, this man has damaged our bond of trust. Over and over again.

This pattern spans his entire adulthood, from the age of 21 to now, almost 49, two marriages, and he is very, very, unlikely to change.

 

Surely there are some men in their forties out there that have integrity, are in decent shape, fairly intelligent, and loving? Is that asking too much?

I sure don't want to trade my man in for another pack of problems, but I just don't know how to put up with this nonsense.

In many other ways, my H is perfect for me, but in the subject of monogamy it's a Fail.

 

I do still love him, just not as much. I am actively getting over him, and his waywardness does not endear him to me either.

I am sure with Time, I will not have one flicker of a loving feeling for him...

[Montclair0011]

Athena - after reading your responses to my post and some others I think you should dump the bastard and start over fresh. He's never going to change.

 

Just make sure you talk to the lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row.

 

Good luck! You are a brave woman.

[Athena]

Athena - after reading your responses to my post and some others I think you should dump the bastard and start over fresh. He's never going to change.

 

Just make sure you talk to the lawyer first and get all your ducks in a row.

 

Good luck! You are a brave woman.

 

Montclair, thank you, it helps to get yet another opinion which supports my plan on leaving my H!

 

Tomorrow is my appointment with this lawyer, and I will go gather up the bank statements, tax papers, pre-nup agreement, and his previous D papers.

 

You are right about having to find the courage here to be a brave woman. This is not something easy for me to do... as seen by my taking 15 years to reach this point.

But I am here, and I must do what needs to be done.

 

I will post again tomorrow and say what the lawyer suggests.