2sure Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Sometimes the logistics like kids and finances are the initial reasons why either spouse doesnt leave the marriage when a crisis occurs. Those "ties" are the safety net that holds a marriage together during tough times. Those "ties' can be the motivating forces behind fixing a marriage's problems. Often, a crisis or bad period ends and changes , and a marriage can be repaired and improve. The "ties" are reality. A known entity. Facts. Without those ties, when my H cheated, I would have bailed. I thank G every day that I didnt. I can honestly say our marriage recovered , the history of the crisis has made us both appreciate the value of our marriage and know we are solid enough to make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Yeah, pretty much. The MM should know not to talk about the M like that in front of the OW, because of how it should make her feel, after all she is waiting to be apart of his life. So an OW is a party to causing pain to a wife, and you would have the audacity to expect "fairness" out of this? If he is smart, he defintely wouldn't do that in front of me, or he'd pay the cost and regret it. Ah, so much for love. "he'd pay the cost and regret it":rolleyes: So let me get this straight, you would wait to be a part of his life, "love" him, but if he mentions the M, he is a dead man? Tell me, why would anyone want to hook up with you if you are all about revenge? Hell, I'm an xBS and even I don't want revenge on my x-wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Absolutely Bent - if you dont accept the other people in your partner's life (especially family members) you are a goner. And who would want to be with someone who turned their back on their family? I know I know its inconsistent with cheating, but to turn back on children or other family members or friends just because they were part of his old life? Seems unlikely to happen except to the extent it happens naturally, which its bound to to some extent if someone leaves for the OP. Although I did know one woman who married someone who all but forgot his kids when he married her, but those two deserve each other... Meagan, when you are in school and you break up with someone, you tell your friends what a jerk he was and you move on. When someone breaks up with another girlfriend and starts dating you, you may never see her again except in passing. But when someone has been married its a lot different. I don't think the MM should turn his back on his family but it's very rude and inconsiderate to boast about how great his family is to the OW especialy if she is waitng for him to LEAVE this family. When the man is around the OW, no one else is more important than her at that moment Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Meagan, you sound mighty young to me. My husband adored his OW's son and it was one of the reasons, maybe the main reason, they started to establish an emotional connection when she asked for help with her son. I kicked him to the curb and told him to "go get her." He refused, and kept showing up at the front door crying and begging for me to take him back, to give him another chance. In all honesty, I was so enraged I could not see straight, but decided to approach marriage counseling because he would always be the father of my children, and for their sakes, I did not want this whole sording situation to scar them anymore that necessary. I am not complacent, or seeking to keep a lifestyle. I make my own money, do not need his, and am fairly attractive. I would never be here because I had to be. Plus, the bottom line is, I Love him. Just like his OW did. My feelings toward him are NO DIFFERENT or less special than her feelings towards him. And you know what? During this mid-life crisis, depression, whatever you want to call it, he was still trawling the waters when their relationship started to wane. I am sure she never knew about that. If you love someone, you try to make it work. If the affair kills all the love you had for that person, and it can, then you don't. I think it is that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 I just don't get it. The ow's constantly say how can the wife be with someone who cheated. Why don't they leave? But yet they are willing to sneak around in the shadows with a man who goes home and sleeps with his wife everynight leaving her alone. It makes zero sense. They ARE with a cheater and they are with a man who does not put them first by leaving his wife and yet they stay in this deadend relationship. Great post!!!! <clapping> Exactly! Why do OW stay with a man who goes home each night to his wife? Why? Why doesn't she just go find an available man? Link to post Share on other sites
JMC Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 ^^^^^^ The answer is simple!!! BECAUSE people don't CHOOSE who they fall in love with, just like they don't choose which gender they're attracted to. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 You most certainly can choose whether to fall in love with someone else's spouse. Don't spend time with them. Don't give yourself reason/space/etc to be with them to get to know the side of them they are showing you. I work with an attractive married guy. I certainly can choose how to behave with him, etc. I choose to NOT get emotionally attached to him because I am already emotionally attached to my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 I don't think the MM should turn his back on his family but it's very rude and inconsiderate to boast about how great his family is to the OW especialy if she is waitng for him to LEAVE this family. When the man is around the OW, no one else is more important than her at that moment :eek:OMG! The pinnacle of rudeness is sleeping with someone else's spouse. And it doesn't seem to be too considerate of the BS feelings either. If a woman believes that a man's family should come second to her just because they are looking at each other, you have a lot to learn about the real world. The more you post, the more you seem .... somebody help me with the right word. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 The more you post, the more you seem .... somebody help me with the right word. Immature? Inconsiderate? Selfish? Arrogant? Self-Centered? Delusional? Neurotic? Adolescent? Juvenile? Sophmoric? Unsophisticated? Maladjusted? Stop me when I get close... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Ya'll are crossing the line with name-calling. Bent had the good graces to just imply it, not fill in the blanks. Link to post Share on other sites
JMC Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Especially, since, for the umpteenth-million-time, this is a forum for The Other Man/Woman. Not created for BS to spew their hatred around. But what do I know... Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Especially, since, for the umpteenth-million-time, this is a forum for The Other Man/Woman. Not created for BS to spew their hatred around. But what do I know... Well JMC, the original question in this thread was: "Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage? Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that? " I and many others took this to be the sort of question that was asking for a response from BSs. But what do I know... I take it you don't consider that your remark was spewing hatred around? Anyway I'll try to answer the question from my own perspective as a BS rather than respond further to your remark. Many who are parents will know that when your child does something wrong the love for them does not disappear immediately. I always believed that infidelity would be a "deal breaker" for me. I never for a moment seriously beleived that my H was having an affair - but in fact it was going on for several years without me knowing. When I found out 6 months ago I suffered indescribable pain and devastation. While I was not suicidal I did not want to be alive, to feel the pain and hurt. One thing I didn't anticipate was that my feelings of love, affection, caring and enjoyment of my H's company would not simply switch off because he had behaved unbelievably abusively (emotionally) toward me. These feelings just did not go away and perhaps I should have realised this if I'd given it any thought before. It's no different to when your child does something seriously wrong - the feelings don't go in an instant. For this reason I stayed in the marriage wanting to make it work as we are slowly doing. Basically I was incapable of ending my marriage at that time. It was nothing to do with my status or position in society or that I didn't care and nor was it a financial thing. 6 months later I am still hurting badly. I am no longer trusting blindly and not do I assume that it could never happen again. We are doing our best to affair-proof our marriage but I am much better prepared if it happens again and know that the next time will be the last. Just hoping that doesn't happen. S Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Especially, since, for the umpteenth-million-time, this is a forum for The Other Man/Woman. Not created for BS to spew their hatred around. But what do I know... There is indeed hate being spewed here: I feel for you jj. I'd be so angry to hear him talk about his family like that, it might drive me to sabatoge it. But to proudly talk about his family like that while you're sitting around waiting for him would be enough to turn me into a loose cannon. I woulnd't care if the person hated me forever, just sabotaging the M would give me enough gratification Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Even when the affair is discovered, it's said that the wife rarely leaves the husband, why is that? I divorced him Meagan, even though doing so cost me a great deal of money. I was the sole bread winner, he walked away with half the assets and a nice chunky alimony check every month. He's currently living with an affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 I don't think the MM should turn his back on his family but it's very rude and inconsiderate to boast about how great his family is to the OW especialy if she is waitng for him to LEAVE this family. When the man is around the OW, no one else is more important than her at that moment It's equally rude and inconsiderate to boast about how great the OW/OM is in front of the BS and kids...but it happens. If you feel that the OW is the most important person when he's around her...would you then also feel that the BW should be the most important person when he's around HER? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Ah, so much for love. "he'd pay the cost and regret it":rolleyes: So let me get this straight, you would wait to be a part of his life, "love" him, but if he mentions the M, he is a dead man? Tell me, why would anyone want to hook up with you if you are all about revenge? Hell, I'm an xBS and even I don't want revenge on my x-wife. I'm not saying that the MM can't talk about his family but to boast about how great his wife is, a wife that he is unhappy with and cheating on with to the OW--IMO, it would be very annoying and a bit inappropriate to me. It would also shatter my self esteem. I don't think I could stand to be around a MM who talked about how great his wife was all the time, it would drive me absolutely insane. If his wife and marriage was so great then he wouldn't need an OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm not saying that the MM can't talk about his family but to boast about how great his wife is, a wife that he is unhappy with and cheating on with to the OW--IMO, it would be very annoying and a bit inappropriate to me. It would also shatter my self esteem. I don't think I could stand to be around a MM who talked about how great his wife was all the time, it would drive me absolutely insane. If his wife and marriage was so great then he wouldn't need an OW. But it's not annoying and inappropriate for him to HAVE an OW in the first place? That would not drive his wife even MORE insane? Look at this from both sides. There's a pattern that forms...it's all about HIM. Not his wife. Not his OW. Not what he's doing to either of them...only about what HE wants. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm not saying that the MM can't talk about his family but to boast about how great his wife is, a wife that he is unhappy with and cheating on with to the OW--IMO, it would be very annoying and a bit inappropriate to me. It would also shatter my self esteem. I don't think I could stand to be around a MM who talked about how great his wife was all the time, it would drive me absolutely insane. If his wife and marriage was so great then he wouldn't need an OW. AAAHHH as inappropriate as say, cheating on his wife. That could be just a bit annoying. That he didn't consider your self esteem would be par for the course, since he didn't consider his wife's self esteem before he entered another woman. And I think we are clear from you other posts how angry it would make you. Now you have a glimpse of the "bitter" BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 If his wife and marriage was so great then he wouldn't need an OW. You're looking at it backwards. The truth is that if his relationship with you was so great, he wouldn't still be married to his wife ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 You're looking at it backwards. The truth is that if his relationship with you was so great, he wouldn't still be married to his wife ... Mr. Lucky Really Nice:D Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 The truth is that infidelity is something that affects couples who are dating, engaged, living together as well as married. One of the earlier posters stated that staying is attributed to love, complacency, or fear. I say that the reasons are as unique as your fingerprints. When I was young and stupid I dated married men. I figured they were the ones putting themselves on the market and if it wasn't me it would be someone else. I did not give a thought to the wife. I did not give a thought to the betterment of his life. I frankly didn't care one bit about anyone or anything but myself. Each one of these men wanted to leave their wife for me but when they became clingy I hit the bricks. I wanted a man for my entertainment and emotional needs but wanted someone who I thought wouldn't make any demands on me. Sure, I thought I was in love once or twice. Sure I fantasized. But I never gave a thought to her.. his wife. And now that I have grown up I am ashamed of that fact. Unlike many of the OW on this forum I did not explain away his roaming because of her failures. I did not demean her. I did not get some delight out of feeling superior to her as the 'one' he runs to because I am so very perfect... not at all. I just lived in the moment. Then I grew up. And when I grew up my husband cheated on me. Oh yeah I understand both sides. I'm not a BS who sits on a high horse with nothing but mud slinging. I've been in both worlds at different times of my life and I get it. So why do I stay? Because the bottom line is that to err is human. I'm a free spirit and always have been, however I have matured from being a little girl to being a full blown woman with a woman's heart. The depth of my heart has been challenged by infidelity. It is far easier to walk away from a broken vase than it is to piece it back together again. My husband didn't want to leave me and didn't. His affair ended when I confronted him and he dropped her like a hot potato. His affair was about him deriving his devil may care youth... not about me. I've always been a beautiful woman and have always had power as a female. However, as I matured and grew the heart of a true woman I have learned that my actions do matter. They matter in 'my book of life'. They matter to those around me. Fooling around with another woman's husband is frankly... the equivalent of shoplifting. You have the pretty scarf you stole... but I doubt it feels as good as if you earned the money and paid for it. You will never wear the scarf with the same amount of pride as if you earned it. Stealing isn't cool no matter how you slice it. So, I'm here to say this... being an OW is just that. Even if you win him, you have won a man who you know with certainty will leave a relationship when something better comes along... you will have won a man who you know may not stay with you if you become ill, who doesn't know what it means to keep his word or his vow. I've seen the world from both sides. Karma teaches us many things. Whether you like it or not, the tide flows in both directions. My advice is to be careful what you throw out to the tide... for it will most certainly return to you. I have the unusual opportunity to see this truly from the mile high view. I know the rationalizations of being an OW... I know the rationalizations of being a BS. I speak from wisdom, not admonishment. Staying is a decision in acceptance that life may be imperfect. Life can be messy but sometimes one can emerge perfectly clean and greater than they have ever been when growing a heart. Psychologists who proclaim that infidelity is okay and a process of life are lost in life. There are clear decisions we must make... each and every one of us. I am what I am. I'm here to share with you the unique insight that maturity can bring... and I don't mean maturity as perhaps others know it. But the maturity that comes from having lived and learned. Men and women are not our playthings. If we truly care about someone who is married we would see them as more than ours. We would encourage them to do the right thing not what serves us. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I'm not saying that the MM can't talk about his family but to boast about how great his wife is, a wife that he is unhappy with and cheating on with to the OW--IMO, it would be very annoying and a bit inappropriate to me. It would also shatter my self esteem. I don't think I could stand to be around a MM who talked about how great his wife was all the time, it would drive me absolutely insane. If his wife and marriage was so great then he wouldn't need an OW. If the MM did this then the OW would have to know he has lied to her about his true feelings for his W. It would be pretty obvious that he was in love with his W and family. It is also "inappropriate" to screw around with someone else's spouse. Affairs "shatter" families and I would imagine the OW's self esteem was already low to become involved with a MM in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Though you asked the question in general, I'll answer for my own life. I didn't leave because I love him. He loves me. He was sorry for what he did - intensely sorry. We worked on our problems together after realizing that neither of us could fix the problems (or ourselves) alone. I'm not a young child, I know that people can make mistakes, even devastating mistakes and given a chance, recover and grow. I believe in the golden rule, treat others as you would want to be treated. I want to be offered forgiveness when I err, realize it, show regret and ask for forgiveness. It's not necessarily easy to forgive. It takes time and work (on the part of both people), but most things that are truly worthwhile are not easy. Life is not easy nor simple. It's complex, exciting and challenging. To think that there are any simple answers for the complexities of life is like trying to write a novel in one sentence. You can do it, but it'll never sell . Gamine - I LOVE your posts!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Gamine and Silktricks, Beautifully written posts. Thank you for taking the time to respond with heartfelt, honest replies. Link to post Share on other sites
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