tami-chan Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 I think that when most people suggest divorce, it is framed as the best of a number of difficult options. Nobody thinks it's a picnic... Mr. Lucky Actually, many always say "it's simple, easy-JUST get a divorce" Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 For me, it is more difficult to live a lie than to divide up 'things'. I have power as a woman, yet I redirected some of the power away from myself to my husband and to our marriage. I am a one man woman and I have been faithful to him for 14+ years, so I understand the devotion required and respect the complications. If the life I'm leading is a lie, I'm here to say that I don't need the lie to be happy. Simply having him isn't enough. I am a romanticist and am very sensual. I'm not interested in being relegated to being a beast of burden. So, for me it would be easier to walk away from a marriage wishing one another well than to deprive one another of happiness. Paradoxical, yes, but true. If a man doesn't want or need me... I mean really want to need me... I don't need the wedding band charade. I need the REAL. The passion, the love and all that goes with it. So, for me, walking away is better than living a lie. I haven't read the entire thread but you make more sense than any other BS I have read here on LS. I have been in your situation and felt the same way you do. You will find happiness again because you have the right attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 A couple of things. First, I do not see his desire to remain married as evidence of love. The affair belies that, IMO. As for divorce being easy, it is not, emotionally. But, , logistically, it is very straightforward, in most cases. It is simple accounting and application of formulas. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 Actually, many always say "it's simple, easy-JUST get a divorce" And that is usually after an OP has revealed that they have been deceived, lied to, cheated on and gaslighted. So they can either continue down that path or get divorced. Like I said, it can be the best of several bad alternatives. That loss of opportunity is one of the real blows a BS suffers on D-Day. 1). Continue in a marriage with a spouse that has cheated on you and may still be in contact with the OW/M. or 2). Go through the pain and trauma of a divorce. When you wake up one morning and those are you two options, it's not very much fun... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 When you wake up one morning and those are you two options, it's not very much fun... I don't agree that those are the only two options facing a BS after discovery. The options do fall under two main categories, true enough: things to do and stay married or things to do and not stay married. I put "not stay married" because some people do choose suicide and/or homicide which negates divorce as one is dead after one of those actions. And you can't be married to a dead person, neither can you divorce them. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 And that is usually after an OP has revealed that they have been deceived, lied to, cheated on and gaslighted. So they can either continue down that path or get divorced. Like I said, it can be the best of several bad alternatives. That loss of opportunity is one of the real blows a BS suffers on D-Day. 1). Continue in a marriage with a spouse that has cheated on you and may still be in contact with the OW/M. or 2). Go through the pain and trauma of a divorce. When you wake up one morning and those are you two options, it's not very much fun... Mr. Lucky or stay in the marriage but make major changes in your life-e.g. cultivate indifference to your CS and his/her actions. Carve your own niche, so to speak , separate from your CS. One's life does not have to be defined by the actions of a WS. Of course this is a non-choice to many. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 or stay in the marriage but make major changes in your life-e.g. cultivate indifference to your CS and his/her actions. Carve your own niche, so to speak , separate from your CS. One's life does not have to be defined by the actions of a WS. Of course this is a non-choice to many. Is this what you have done, tami? I'm just wondering about your situation because you seem to think differantly than most of the betrayed/former betrayed spouses on here. At least this is how it's comming across to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 or stay in the marriage but make major changes in your life-e.g. cultivate indifference to your CS and his/her actions. Carve your own niche, so to speak , separate from your CS. One's life does not have to be defined by the actions of a WS. Of course this is a non-choice to many. True. Although that seems like kind of an old-fashioned approach, back when people were more afraid of the stigma of divorce and felt like there were less options. Much like Angie, I wonder why you'd choose that life for yourself ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 I think that you need to work on that...reconciling the two. That disconnect is the cause of your confusion. Its hard to move forward in that state of mind. But the answer, imo, is simple. Your theories and philosophies of life apply to YOU...not your H. So why you find the conundrum utterly confusing...he does not. Or, he can simply avoid the discussion altogether by hiding it. If you don't know of the A, you two don't have to talk about splitting up...why choose (stay or leave) when he can have both (stay and leave)? He didn't want a divorce...he wanted an A. Question is what do you want? I have recently begun to change my view of A's. I used to believe that the WS could NOT possibly love the BS while boinking another. Anger, hurt and bitterness clouding my own view. Stupid fog. I think a very good case can be built which supports he loved you and had an A. Clue number is...he didn't want a divorce. Still doesn't. So I think the M is still genuine. A M cannot simply be stated as "a M" - a single totality. Its many separate moving parts. Its a complex machine and simply because some parts are not working doesn't mean the whole machine has failed. Damaged? Sure. Irreparably so? You tell me. Great question. What is the point of M? I like strawberry ice cream too. But I don't want it every day for the rest of my life. After a while, despite my deep love for strawberry ice cream, I would want the restaurant expand and grow...maybe be WILLING to try pistachio or vanilla or even a brownie hot fudge sundae. Well **** this was a bad analogy...now I want ice cream. Again, he loves you. HE proved by NOT wanting a D. Look, he had a way out and even a place to go...and stayed. Why would he stay? Most cheaters aren't after a D (yes, there are exceptions)...yours isn't. Have his feelings for you changed? I doubt it. Your feelings for him have changed. The shattered trust, broken heart...its hard to let go of itt...its one helluva crutch. Unfortunately YOU must walk that path alone. Gather friends, family and even your H...and walk. And if you can't make it...no one will blame you. I don't know where the trial ends or even when - I only know it does. Is this a verbose way of acknowledging what you have already stated? Your H strayed to recapture youth/magic? That the routine of life had sufficiently allowed each of you to take the other for granted? I touched on this above...be open and flexible. Try and see differing views; give them a chance. You might learn a better way... I can't blame you. No one can. You were betrayed and its damn hard to recover from it. If you cannot truly 100% give of yourself to save this M, then leave. I filed for D from my W for exactly the same reason...the feelings were gone...and I want to live my life with a woman I love. And, my stbxw DESERVES someone who will love her...I simply cannot recover. Thank you for investing your time and your depth. My stint as the OW was short lived... perhaps a string of 5 years when I was in my early twenties. When I reached age 27 a light bulb went off and I began truly investing myself in a life that had true value to me rather than living in the periphery of others. I was focused in my work, bought a home, filled it with beautiful things and my animals... and when the time was right... married. I take your words to heart and you have given me cause to reflect and I will do so with a bit more questioning and enlightenment. Thank you.... Link to post Share on other sites
LaGazelle Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 Perhaps the BS loves their H/W and does not want to throw away everything they have invested, for the sake of something trifling! Why don't OW/OM avoid relationships with MM/MW or end the relationship when they find out about the marriage!? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 If he's so in love with a W and family what does he need another woman for? because he simply may just get bored with sticking his weenie in the same woman with the same face he is use to. Its called being fickle. some people just can't handle "forsaking all others" and have no business being married in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 She(OW) seems like the perfect woman, great sex, good conversation, interested in you and does not bitch or nag. All things the wife does before she gets the ring on her finger. well then get a divorce already and stop whining about your wife. we already know you resent the hell out of her. So do her a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Perhaps the BS loves their H/W and does not want to throw away everything they have invested, for the sake of something trifling! Why don't OW/OM avoid relationships with MM/MW or end the relationship when they find out about the marriage!? It is kinda circular isn't it: why doesn't a BS end their M when they find out about the A... Like they love them and they are invested... If you need other people to police your M, then maybe you shouldn't be in it... Link to post Share on other sites
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