Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage?

[White Flower]

Gamine

 

Even though I get what your saying a marriage cannot just be walked away from like any other type of relationship, you know that. So the simple idea of he could just tell you and walk away is pure fantasy. Which is why I have such a hard time when people say that.

With hard work and good communication it can be done. Yet, some people find it hard to talk.

[jwi71]

I am financially self sufficient and I bought the home we live in before we were married. So there is no financial concern regarding the impact of divorce. He also does well in his business so money isn't the issue here.

 

I believe that, for some reason, individual words are focused upon without taking the whole into consideration. I shared with you HIS point of view. Blameshifting or not that is his feeling.

 

And, I shared my feeling. I was 35 yrs. old when we married, was beautiful (a model) and had many options. I still do and that is the point.

 

To me, cheating wasn't necessary. In other words, from my point of view he didn't have to cheat to get what he wanted. I wasn't hanging onto him, forcing him to be married to me or engaging in a battle over his affections with the OW. There seems to be a false concept of the WIFE as perhaps a wholly inadequate old dog who has lost her je ne sais quoi and no longer acts like a woman. Who nags, isn't interested in sex, has let herself go, etc..

 

I'm successful, beautiful (inside and out), and care very much about the well being of others. In fact, I put others in need in front of my wants... The thing that bothered me about the infidelity was that it was sort of a game being played by the two of them. I was put into the category of WIFE... the one who he is stuck with.... who doesn't satisfy him etc... Poor him.

My sympathies.

 

No one forced him to marry me or to remain married to me. If I wasn't all that and a bag of chips why not just say so and go for the gusto? Cut me loose so I can live my life and find a man who would love me and who I could love the way I want. Why does the tail wag the dog in this situation? My husband was free to go, after all why would I want to hold him back if I no longer floated his boat?

 

The affair was more of a game than anything played between the two of them... because frankly, why the need to not live in reality? I am about the most imperfect woman on the face of this planet so I wouldn't go and waste anyone's time in saying that I'm this ethereal goddess. I'm just me.

 

The affair denies the spouse the right to choice. If I knew he wasn't into me or the marriage... fine. Let me go. Cut me loose. One time he got me so pissed that I signed up for Match.com I had 60 emails within 12 hours.

 

So, maybe one man's spoils is another man's gain? I don't know... but I just don't see the point in a married guy having an affair if he can do what he wants and divorce when he wants.

 

In the over 13 years we have been married I've never cheated on him... in fact, I have never cheated on any man in my history. If the situation wasn't right for me I moved on. I didn't lie or supplement anything I wasn't getting from the guy I was with. I saw it as "hey, this isn't working for me...so it's time to move on...". When you get down to it there's no reason (we don't have kids) to cheat. I would have driven him to her house if that is what made him happy, because his happiness... and mine... is all that matters.

 

I am curious...

 

What did your H say when you gave him this spiel?

[NoIDidn't]

He really feels that his W CHOOSES to believe what she does about the OW because it is EASIER to cope with it that way. As long as the OW was bad, her H is good now that it is over. Of course this is not true, but he keeps quiet because it is her way of dealing with it.

 

 

He needs to help his W deal with his choices. Its a danger place, up high on someone's emotional pedestal like that. I get that he doesn't want to hurt her further, but denial isn't helping either.

 

I guess I did the opposite. I completely blamed my H. I didn't consider blaming the OW until I had the chance to speak with her. Boy oh boy, she was a funny little number. And our convo didn't last for over four minutes. But I still don't hate her or even dislike her. She's a non-entity to me and my H. He doesn't hate her either. He's never said a negative thing about her in my presence.

 

So, maybe I just don't understand the need for blame. There is responsibility for choosing to be in an affair but blame only serves to make people defensive and dig their heels in - even if wrong.

[Gamine]

Gamine

 

Even though I get what your saying a marriage cannot just be walked away from like any other type of relationship, you know that. So the simple idea of he could just tell you and walk away is pure fantasy. Which is why I have such a hard time when people say that.

 

For me, it is more difficult to live a lie than to divide up 'things'. I have power as a woman, yet I redirected some of the power away from myself to my husband and to our marriage. I am a one man woman and I have been faithful to him for 14+ years, so I understand the devotion required and respect the complications. If the life I'm leading is a lie, I'm here to say that I don't need the lie to be happy. Simply having him isn't enough. I am a romanticist and am very sensual. I'm not interested in being relegated to being a beast of burden. So, for me it would be easier to walk away from a marriage wishing one another well than to deprive one another of happiness. Paradoxical, yes, but true. If a man doesn't want or need me... I mean really want to need me... I don't need the wedding band charade. I need the REAL. The passion, the love and all that goes with it. So, for me, walking away is better than living a lie.

[Snowflower]

I don't think I'd say that these folks are blame-shifting. The MM that knows some things about the OW that a BW is not privvy to, doesn't make him blameshifting, per se. He is still processing his way through his actions. Its a phase that will pass.

 

 

I have mixed feelings about blame in general. What good does it do when whatever happened has already happened? Examining the "whys" doesn't mean finding someone or something to blame. It just means finding solutions to the problems that led to them. But what do I know? I have been known to blame people for things that it seemed their obvious hand in them influenced the outcome. <shrugs>

 

I agree with this...

 

I never "blamed" the OW for what my husband did. That was all on him. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I went through a stage earlier in my healing process where I was angry at her-but I didn't put the blame on her then. I am no longer angry at the OW.

 

I was angry at her because it was obvious that she "liked" my husband. That was obvious based on her actions and what I found out after d-day when I did my own investigating.

 

Despite the fact that she was the OW and I was the BW, I can still get how a woman thinks in a relationship-when a woman is interested in a guy and she is trying to get his attention. I get it.

 

But, I don't blame the OW-I blame my husband because it was my husband that let me down, not the OW.

 

Like NID mentioned above, the OW is a non-entity to me and I am most likely a non-entity to her. I was/am more interested in my husband's issues that led to the affair and recovering my marriage.

[Gamine]

I am curious...

 

What did your H say when you gave him this spiel?

 

Basically that he didn't want to go and didn't want me to either. Perhaps he was expecting something else to fuel the drama. However, I suppose when being faced with well, okay, go be with who you want... it didn't seem as good of an idea after all.

[jwi71]

Basically that he didn't want to go and didn't want me to either. Perhaps he was expecting something else to fuel the drama. However, I suppose when being faced with well, okay, go be with who you want... it didn't seem as good of an idea after all.

 

I know what you are saying.

Have you and your H discussed the A...namely the "why"?

 

Why did your H pursue an A?

 

Because the quote of yours below indicates, to me, that some fundamental issues remain.

 

There is in fact a point...you can prolly guess it...feel free to cut to the chase if you so choose...

but I just don't see the point in a married guy having an affair if he can do what he wants and divorce when he wants.

[Gamine]

I know what you are saying.

Have you and your H discussed the A...namely the "why"?

 

Why did your H pursue an A?

 

Because the quote of yours below indicates, to me, that some fundamental issues remain.

 

There is in fact a point...you can prolly guess it...feel free to cut to the chase if you so choose...

 

 

Help me out... what are you seeing? I can tell you what he claims was the reason... feeling insecure, old, crappy, wanting the newness of being in love again, etc... She was the same age as me and far less attractive (I know, I know... I'm not just being catty), less educated, in fact... a hillbilly (literally) from southeastern Kentucky. 'She' talked of love, but only had two 'quickies' on her lunch hour... so from a woman's point of view I found that a little strange. If I were in love and saw my lover I would require more than 45 minutes.

 

Yes, my husband drove from NJ to Kentucky to see her... 2x's wrapped around a business trip. I'm a metro area girl... the polar opposite.

 

Now, can you give me some sage advice or wisdom?

[bentnotbroken]

Oh I understand the BS view point on the whole divorce idea. It is a reaction to the whole emotional pain I get that. But to me personally it is a simple answer that just does not hold water.

 

I will admit I am not that emotional of a person so the reason the emotional cost does not really hit me.

 

 

I completely understand this. Because the excuses for cheating don't hold water for me either.

[wildsoul]

For me, it is more difficult to live a lie than to divide up 'things'. I have power as a woman, yet I redirected some of the power away from myself to my husband and to our marriage. I am a one man woman and I have been faithful to him for 14+ years, so I understand the devotion required and respect the complications. If the life I'm leading is a lie, I'm here to say that I don't need the lie to be happy. Simply having him isn't enough. I am a romanticist and am very sensual. I'm not interested in being relegated to being a beast of burden. So, for me it would be easier to walk away from a marriage wishing one another well than to deprive one another of happiness. Paradoxical, yes, but true. If a man doesn't want or need me... I mean really want to need me... I don't need the wedding band charade. I need the REAL. The passion, the love and all that goes with it. So, for me, walking away is better than living a lie.

That was so nicely worded. I can relate, as if I'd written it myself. It's the thinking that led me to end my marriage AND what helped it end peaceably with no cheating and a minimum of drama.

 

Although I have friends that think like you or me, it does seem we are the minority though. So many others would rather have compromised marriages than to end their marriage.

[Reggie]

That is what is so strange. I am very decent looking and make good $$., good athlete I have dated some very good looking women, some models. etc. I feel like it would not have killed me to see my wife go. In fact, she is a baitch, and I feel better without her.

So, she stole years of my life, years when I might have been with someone that was capable of love.

[wildsoul]

So, she stole years of my life, years when I might have been with someone that was capable of love.

 

I remember when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was no longer in love with my xH and that it couldn't be fixed. I looked at him one day and thought, he deserved more--even if he still wanted to be married to me. It only seemed right to give him the chance to attract a new woman, one who was crazy in love with him, rather than drag it out further. Sometimes you have to hurt someone a little bit in the short term to do the right thing in the long term.

[Mr. Lucky]

Gamine

 

Even though I get what your saying a marriage cannot just be walked away from like any other type of relationship, you know that. So the simple idea of he could just tell you and walk away is pure fantasy. Which is why I have such a hard time when people say that.

I think that when most people suggest divorce, it is framed as the best of a number of difficult options. Nobody thinks it's a picnic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jwi71]

Help me out... what are you seeing? I can tell you what he claims was the reason... feeling insecure, old, crappy, wanting the newness of being in love again, etc... She was the same age as me and far less attractive (I know, I know... I'm not just being catty), less educated, in fact... a hillbilly (literally) from southeastern Kentucky. 'She' talked of love, but only had two 'quickies' on her lunch hour... so from a woman's point of view I found that a little strange. If I were in love and saw my lover I would require more than 45 minutes.

 

Yes, my husband drove from NJ to Kentucky to see her... 2x's wrapped around a business trip. I'm a metro area girl... the polar opposite.

 

Now, can you give me some sage advice or wisdom?

 

What I see (suspect) is a wide gulf between you and your H. There should be some level of mistrust between you two but to STILL doubt his reasons for the A a year later, to me, is worrisome. I think its a year after it...right?

What else don't you trust or believe?

 

Do you think your "hands off/distant" view of M contributed to his decision to pursue another W? Why do YOU think he cheated given your open view of M...not open marriage per se but the attitude of "leaving is fine, just go"?

 

I guess and I haven't read it before...what do YOU want out of your M?

[Gamine]

What I see (suspect) is a wide gulf between you and your H. There should be some level of mistrust between you two but to STILL doubt his reasons for the A a year later, to me, is worrisome. I think its a year after it...right?

What else don't you trust or believe?

 

Do you think your "hands off/distant" view of M contributed to his decision to pursue another W? Why do YOU think he cheated given your open view of M...not open marriage per se but the attitude of "leaving is fine, just go"?

 

I guess and I haven't read it before...what do YOU want out of your M?

 

 

I suppose I doubt his reasons for the A because the entirety of it is alien to me. No matter how I try to 'relate' or understand it... it makes no sense to me because it doesn't seem very productive.

 

If the person one is married to is no longer meeting their needs, then that... to me... is the thing that needs to be addressed. An affair seems like a band aid solution for a compound fracture. If we, as individuals, grow differently and find ourselves at a point whereby our partner is no longer someone we can share a fulfilling life with, does that mean that either party has failed? Does it mean that either the husband or the wife is inadequate? Or, can it merely mean that each individual is perfect in their own way and that perhaps our needs have changed? I would never cheat on my husband because I wouldn't disgrace him that way... or disgrace myself by cheapening that which is ultimately of greatest importance to me... which is the love, the intimacy, the belonging. The easiness of it. By replacing my husband with an affair partner, I would be telling him that he is not adequate and that another man is more adequate. I would never hurt him that way. And... the truth of it is we are all adequate, just perhaps not for one another all of the time. I still see him as adequate and perfect as himself. I see me adequate and perfect for myself. If we can be together because we love and accept one another... that would be wonderful. However if there comes a time when that is no longer the case... there is the choice to make it wonderful or to move on. So, I suppose I really don't have a Laissez faire attitude towards marriage, but rather a hippie meets stiletto wearing girly girl. I want the realness not the contract.

 

Because I'm wired so differently from him I can't (for the life of me) wrap my arms around his point of view at the time he had the A. For me it is a conundrum. A puzzle that I can't piece together. Something that defies my natural instincts. Almost as if we are different creatures entirely.

 

So, I suppose I do not believe/trust in our ability to relate to one another in a shared ground. Our perspective on life was and may be very different and no matter how hard I try... I can't comprehend his way of thinking during the A. When he tries to explain it it is like he is speaking another language ... and might as well be dolphin squeals. It is so foreign an ideology and his explanation for the A so bizarre to me that I don't think I know how to process it.

[OWoman]

By replacing my husband with an affair partner, I would be telling him that he is not adequate and that another man is more adequate.

 

So the A was him telling you you were not adequate and another woman was more so? Gosh! If you see it like that, I'm surprised you're able to rebuild.

[jwi71]

If the person one is married to is no longer meeting their needs, then that... to me... is the thing that needs to be addressed.

 

But wait Gamine...didn't your H tell you he DIDN'T want to leave? How do you reconcile the two...his not wanting to leave and his leaving (affair)?

 

An affair seems like a band aid solution for a compound fracture.

I don;t like the analogy. A band aid is at least designed to heal whereas an A is entirely destructive. A better one would be:

 

An A is treating a compound fracture by decapitating the patient.

 

If we, as individuals, grow differently and find ourselves at a point whereby our partner is no longer someone we can share a fulfilling life with, does that mean that either party has failed? Does it mean that either the husband or the wife is inadequate? Or, can it merely mean that each individual is perfect in their own way and that perhaps our needs have changed?

Do you believe your H grew apart from you? Except that wouldn't make sense given he WANTS to stay. Have you grown apart from him? OR did his A push you apart?

 

I would never cheat on my husband because I wouldn't disgrace him that way... or disgrace myself by cheapening that which is ultimately of greatest importance to me... which is the love, the intimacy, the belonging. The easiness of it. By replacing my husband with an affair partner, I would be telling him that he is not adequate and that another man is more adequate. I would never hurt him that way. And... the truth of it is we are all adequate, just perhaps not for one another all of the time. I still see him as adequate and perfect as himself. I see me adequate and perfect for myself.

Well said. Now, how does that reconcile with the above "if you're not happy then leave" ?

 

This, btw leads to my point I was alluding to earlier...

 

If we can be together because we love and accept one another... that would be wonderful. However if there comes a time when that is no longer the case... there is the choice to make it wonderful or to move on.

This is the choice you face now...or is it? Can you truly heal and move on w/o understanding this?

 

So, I suppose I really don't have a Laissez faire attitude towards marriage, but rather a hippie meets stiletto wearing girly girl. I want the realness not the contract.

That paints an oddly disturbing yet arousing image...

Because I'm wired so differently from him I can't (for the life of me) wrap my arms around his point of view at the time he had the A. For me it is a conundrum. A puzzle that I can't piece together. Something that defies my natural instincts. Almost as if we are different creatures entirely

You are not only different creatures but different genders. As you cannot trust his answers to why (or have doubts about them)...then I ask you to think back to when you were the OW. What did your MM tell you? Use that experience to try and shed some light on this....

 

And failing that...would you guys consider MC...to work on this together with an unbiased third party? Of course I presume you want your M to continue...do you?

 

So, I suppose I do not believe/trust in our ability to relate to one another in a shared ground. Our perspective on life was and may be very different and no matter how hard I try... I can't comprehend his way of thinking during the A. When he tries to explain it it is like he is speaking another language ... and might as well be dolphin squeals. It is so foreign an ideology and his explanation for the A so bizarre to me that I don't think I know how to process it.

So what does he say? Can you pass that on to us...maybe we can give our opinions...after all, most if not all of us here on LS have been where you are now...

[Gamine]

But wait Gamine...didn't your H tell you he DIDN'T want to leave? How do you reconcile the two...his not wanting to leave and his leaving (affair)?

 

I suppose that is my situation. I haven't reconciled the two. During the A mentality he was a cake eater. He had a choice and he made it. However, by having the A it meant to me he was still shopping. My finding out intervened in his spree. He may have ended it, but how is that to be construed by me as him loving and accepting me for who and what I am?

 

 

I don;t like the analogy. A band aid is at least designed to heal whereas an A is entirely destructive. A better one would be:

 

An A is treating a compound fracture by decapitating the patient.

 

 

I totally agree! Yet his A was his Band Aid solution for himself.

 

 

Do you believe your H grew apart from you? Except that wouldn't make sense given he WANTS to stay. Have you grown apart from him? OR did his A push you apart?

 

The A pushed us apart. I'm here for love. If the love isn't genuine and the marriage isn't 'real' I don't want or need it. He is afraid that he is losing me now because the tie that bound me to him disintegrated. I am riding the wave to see where it takes me/us. I'd like to think that at a minimum, marriage should be about something truly genuine. Ultimately, if we as individuals cannot lay our heads down at night and know where we belong then what is the point? I belonged to him when I believed we were for each other. His message was clear... that it was not me in particular that made his world go 'round but the whole carousel.

 

 

Well said. Now, how does that reconcile with the above "if you're not happy then leave" ?

 

I'm strawberry ice cream. I like being strawberry... I like everything about it. I don't want to be pistachio. In my restaurant all I serve is strawberry. That is all there is on my menu. If strawberry isn't something for him, then find a restaurant that serves the flavor of choice.... don't keep going to the restaurant and complaining that you're sick of of strawberry. If didn't like/love me as a spouse for who and what I am then he should have moved on, not view 'his love life as a progressive dinner. Unless and until I believe he loves and wants only strawberry he doesn't have my attention or my heart.

 

 

This, btw leads to my point I was alluding to earlier...

 

Thanks....

 

 

This is the choice you face now...or is it? Can you truly heal and move on w/o understanding this?

 

I'm confused more than hurt at this point in time. I'm the real deal and totally incapable of understanding games. I have emotionally disengaged from him. During his A he would do loving things and encourage me to believe he loved me totally and completely. In fact it was over the top. How do I hear the words spoken then and spoken now? How can 'I love you' have the same meaning? In my situation he was over the top with the love stuff during the A. Looking upon him now... hearing the words now... feeling the emotions now... just don't have the same impact.

 

 

That paints an oddly disturbing yet arousing image...

You are not only different creatures but different genders. As you cannot trust his answers to why (or have doubts about them)...then I ask you to think back to when you were the OW. What did your MM tell you? Use that experience to try and shed some light on this....

 

When I was OW I did not want to spend my life with them as a partner. I was dating them. That is how I saw it. I didn't want them as a mate, so the dialogue was totally unnecessary. In each relationship I had it was the MM who wanted to move it to the next level. I had no interest in it because while I enjoyed dating them I did not want to marry or live with them. I found this confusing at the time. My relationships with MM were not purely sexually based 'affairs' that I have read about. They were my boyfriends. I did not meet them for sex and have them go home. They came to my door with flowers, took me to plays, dining out, etc... just like anyone else I ever dated. I wouldn't have done the sex meet up thing... that would have no interest to me whatsoever. In fact, if I had met a MM who wanted that I would have been offended and had nothing to do with them. I would have found that insulting.

 

 

And failing that...would you guys consider MC...to work on this together with an unbiased third party? Of course I presume you want your M to continue...do you?

 

 

I'm riding the wave and seeing where my emotions and feelings for him take me. I don't want MC because I don't necessarily want someone trying to convince me to see things from a perspective that is disingenuous to me.

 

 

So what does he say? Can you pass that on to us...maybe we can give our opinions...after all, most if not all of us here on LS have been where you are now...

 

 

He explains that the affair was about him being screwed up. That he loved me the whole time ... which I find disturbing. He says that he wanted to be married and didn't want that to change, but lived it differently vis a vis the affair. I need someone to walk the walk and talk the talk. I can't connect with anything else.

[Gamine]

So the A was him telling you you were not adequate and another woman was more so? Gosh! If you see it like that, I'm surprised you're able to rebuild.

 

The A absolutely conveyed to me that I was not adequate for him. However, in his dynamic she was not adequate either. No one was, really. However, by having an affair one partner does indeed say to the other "Gee, I derive things from you that I want, but on the other hand I don't... and I'm going to supplement my deal the way I choose..." This, instead of choosing to live in the affirmative. Women being utilized like tools.

 

While his A may have conveyed that I was not adequate for him, I know without any reservation that I would be adequate for someone else. And, perhaps his past need for more than one woman at a time might not be problematic for all women and he should free to find that someone. He curtailed his behavior and gave it up to keep me. That is vastly different than never having done it at all.

[pkn06002]

I think that when most people suggest divorce, it is framed as the best of a number of difficult options. Nobody thinks it's a picnic...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Now that is a good fair comment, not a view I had taken into account.

[OWoman]

The A absolutely conveyed to me that I was not adequate for him. However, in his dynamic she was not adequate either. No one was, really. However, by having an affair one partner does indeed say to the other "Gee, I derive things from you that I want, but on the other hand I don't... and I'm going to supplement my deal the way I choose..." This, instead of choosing to live in the affirmative. Women being utilized like tools.

 

While his A may have conveyed that I was not adequate for him, I know without any reservation that I would be adequate for someone else. And, perhaps his past need for more than one woman at a time might not be problematic for all women and he should free to find that someone. He curtailed his behavior and gave it up to keep me. That is vastly different than never having done it at all.

 

And, most importantly, to yourself.

 

Thanks for the clarification - respect!

[jwi71]

I suppose that is my situation. I haven't reconciled the two. During the A mentality he was a cake eater. He had a choice and he made it. However, by having the A it meant to me he was still shopping. My finding out intervened in his spree. He may have ended it, but how is that to be construed by me as him loving and accepting me for who and what I am?

I think that you need to work on that...reconciling the two. That disconnect is the cause of your confusion. Its hard to move forward in that state of mind.

But the answer, imo, is simple. Your theories and philosophies of life apply to YOU...not your H. So why you find the conundrum utterly confusing...he does not. Or, he can simply avoid the discussion altogether by hiding it. If you don't know of the A, you two don't have to talk about splitting up...why choose (stay or leave) when he can have both (stay and leave)?

 

He didn't want a divorce...he wanted an A.

 

Question is what do you want?

 

The A pushed us apart. I'm here for love. If the love isn't genuine and the marriage isn't 'real' I don't want or need it. He is afraid that he is losing me now because the tie that bound me to him disintegrated. I am riding the wave to see where it takes me/us. I'd like to think that at a minimum, marriage should be about something truly genuine.

I have recently begun to change my view of A's. I used to believe that the WS could NOT possibly love the BS while boinking another. Anger, hurt and bitterness clouding my own view. Stupid fog.

 

I think a very good case can be built which supports he loved you and had an A. Clue number is...he didn't want a divorce. Still doesn't. So I think the M is still genuine. A M cannot simply be stated as "a M" - a single totality. Its many separate moving parts. Its a complex machine and simply because some parts are not working doesn't mean the whole machine has failed. Damaged? Sure.

 

Irreparably so? You tell me.

 

Ultimately, if we as individuals cannot lay our heads down at night and know where we belong then what is the point? I belonged to him when I believed we were for each other. His message was clear... that it was not me in particular that made his world go 'round but the whole carousel.

Great question. What is the point of M?

 

 

I'm strawberry ice cream. I like being strawberry... I like everything about it. I don't want to be pistachio. In my restaurant all I serve is strawberry. That is all there is on my menu. If strawberry isn't something for him, then find a restaurant that serves the flavor of choice.... don't keep going to the restaurant and complaining that you're sick of of strawberry. If didn't like/love me as a spouse for who and what I am then he should have moved on, not view 'his love life as a progressive dinner. Unless and until I believe he loves and wants only strawberry he doesn't have my attention or my heart.

I like strawberry ice cream too. But I don't want it every day for the rest of my life. After a while, despite my deep love for strawberry ice cream, I would want the restaurant expand and grow...maybe be WILLING to try pistachio or vanilla or even a brownie hot fudge sundae. Well **** this was a bad analogy...now I want ice cream.

 

 

I'm confused more than hurt at this point in time. I'm the real deal and totally incapable of understanding games. I have emotionally disengaged from him. During his A he would do loving things and encourage me to believe he loved me totally and completely. In fact it was over the top. How do I hear the words spoken then and spoken now? How can 'I love you' have the same meaning? In my situation he was over the top with the love stuff during the A. Looking upon him now... hearing the words now... feeling the emotions now... just don't have the same impact.

Again, he loves you. HE proved by NOT wanting a D. Look, he had a way out and even a place to go...and stayed. Why would he stay? Most cheaters aren't after a D (yes, there are exceptions)...yours isn't. Have his feelings for you changed? I doubt it.

 

Your feelings for him have changed. The shattered trust, broken heart...its hard to let go of itt...its one helluva crutch.

 

Unfortunately YOU must walk that path alone. Gather friends, family and even your H...and walk. And if you can't make it...no one will blame you. I don't know where the trial ends or even when - I only know it does.

 

 

When I was OW I did not want to spend my life with them as a partner. I was dating them. That is how I saw it. I didn't want them as a mate, so the dialogue was totally unnecessary. In each relationship I had it was the MM who wanted to move it to the next level. I had no interest in it because while I enjoyed dating them I did not want to marry or live with them. I found this confusing at the time. My relationships with MM were not purely sexually based 'affairs' that I have read about. They were my boyfriends. I did not meet them for sex and have them go home. They came to my door with flowers, took me to plays, dining out, etc... just like anyone else I ever dated. I wouldn't have done the sex meet up thing... that would have no interest to me whatsoever. In fact, if I had met a MM who wanted that I would have been offended and had nothing to do with them. I would have found that insulting.

Is this a verbose way of acknowledging what you have already stated?

Your H strayed to recapture youth/magic? That the routine of life had sufficiently allowed each of you to take the other for granted?

 

I'm riding the wave and seeing where my emotions and feelings for him take me. I don't want MC because I don't necessarily want someone trying to convince me to see things from a perspective that is disingenuous to me.

I touched on this above...be open and flexible. Try and see differing views; give them a chance. You might learn a better way...

 

He explains that the affair was about him being screwed up. That he loved me the whole time ... which I find disturbing. He says that he wanted to be married and didn't want that to change, but lived it differently vis a vis the affair. I need someone to walk the walk and talk the talk. I can't connect with anything else.

I can't blame you. No one can. You were betrayed and its damn hard to recover from it. If you cannot truly 100% give of yourself to save this M, then leave.

 

I filed for D from my W for exactly the same reason...the feelings were gone...and I want to live my life with a woman I love. And, my stbxw DESERVES someone who will love her...I simply cannot recover.

[pkn06002]

That was all very well said jwi71!!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

depends on how bad the repair is and if its worth fixing.

 

to me, cheating in a marriage is like totalling out a car...like a freight train smashed into it.

 

So no repair is adequate.....getting a new model would be better

[White Flower]

In another thread, pkn was trashed for not accepting changes his W made after the A. Maybe the freight train was smashed with no hopes of repair? (Even if the A caused the crash). Maybe she was never right for him in the first place and it took the A to see that.

 

Sorry pkn for t/j or focusing on you. I do not know your story but I do know you were questioned (or stoned?) in another thread. Reasoning is reasoning and I thought the question should be posed.

 

So, is it possible for the WS to see the M as a freight wreck even if he/she caused it? I think the questions ties in with the OP:

Why doesn't the husband/wife end the marriage?