Oral sex as predictor of walkaway wives?

[n9688m]

This may sound like a crazy topic but I've been thinking about this for a while and talking to a number of friends for data points.

 

I am intrigued about the concept of a walkaway wife in that so many men seem to be absolutely blindsighted when from their perspective their wife out of the blue announces the marriage is over and beyond repair. How can this occur with the husband (including myself when it happened) so clueless?

 

I have a theory that a willingness to give or receive oral sex suggests a woman enjoys intimacy with her partner and feels connected to him. Alternatively I would suggest that a woman leading up to D-day in a walkaway wife situation may continue with other forms of sex (maybe out of duty?) but will not feel intimate or connected enough for oral sex.

 

So to test out this theory - For those of you whose spouse became a walkaway wife (or if you were a walkaway wife yourself) the question is:

 

Did your walkaway wife give or receive oral sex with you in the year or two leading up to your D-day?

[skinman]

Good question N9...

 

my answer would be no... my wife quit giving oral sex years ago.. as for receining it she was never one to really enjoy that during our marriage. There was the token time or two where she would allow it but for the most part that was off limits. When we started dating she was happy as can be to provide oral sex to me.. as the years went on it was far and few between.. it got to the point where on ocassion i would get a yearly one just to shut up my pleading.... now that she is with another man I am sure she is perforning for him. Something that pisses me off but knowing that if she didnt he wouldn't keep her around long..

 

She even told me that she felt like it was her duty to have sex in the last year or so after she shut down.. but what was strange was that she would always be the one to initiate it when we did have it.. it got to the point where i was tired of asking and getting excuse after excuse so I gave up and took when she offered.....

[Athena]

What about kissing? I think that's even more intimate... and not just a perfunctory kiss on the lips, I mean French kissing...

[n9688m]

What about kissing? I think that's even more intimate... and not just a perfunctory kiss on the lips, I mean French kissing...

 

That is a good point.. and in my case, that didn't happen either.

 

Lots of missionary sex - but no oral and no French kissing. And in retrospect I think those were indeed major clues I totally missed.

[Athena]

That is a good point.. and in my case, that didn't happen either.

 

Lots of missionary sex - but no oral and no French kissing. And in retrospect I think those were indeed major clues I totally missed.

I must say, thinking about divorcing my H this past year after his recent affairs, I did not want to perform oral sex on him (which I never had a problem with him, before in 22 years!... ) and I certainly didn't want to kiss him either. Sure, I think you are right about one 'sign' of a withdrawing wife is her unwillingness to perform fellatio. Actually, come to think of it, I also didn't want to receive oral sex either! You have a point there... since studies show that women 'think' about Divorce for TWO years before they 'walkaway', there have got to be signs!!!! Carry on with your questions!

 

Ask posters to mention the kissing too.

 

Now, part of the reason I didn't want to kiss him, is: he is a terrible kisser! Terrible! And that is surprising since he's had so many sexual partners... but see... he is good at sex & oral sex, but just hopeless at kissing. He has bruised my lip several times! Grr. He is too hard in kissing or sucks painfully til bruising, or just slobbers. Ugh. With me, on the other hand, kissing was my specialty since from ages 13 -- 21 that's all I allowed myself to do with boys! I got years of practice with two dozen guys, but decided on No Sex until marriage... whereas my H had his first romantic experience at 18 with sex right away, then married her at 19!!! After that he had plenty of A partners... now I don't know why he cannot kiss... I certainly tried with him, perhaps its just his narcissistic character being unwilling to learn?!

[Els]

I'm curious.. why do you consider oral sex more intimate than missionary sex?

 

Many would say the opposite I think.

[PWSX3]

Funny you talk about kissing.

My G/F I am seeing now sees kissing much more romantic then oral......

 

She has shared with me that near the end of her marriage she HATED to kiss her ex & it didn't do anything for her anymore & she didn't think she would ever want to kiss someone again......

 

Now we have only been together for two months but kissing is VERY important to her & luckily we both work very well in the kissing department & she just can't get enough.:love:

 

So I guess kissing is important to the ladies & no I don't mind either....

[Trialbyfire]

You're kidding right?

 

You make it sound like oral sex is something everyone HAS to do and enjoy doing. Pretty soon it will be that every woman has to enjoy a cum shot in the face or be totally willing to have ear sex (yeah, use your imagination...).

 

Spend less time watching porn and more time romancing her...

[Intricategirl]

You're kidding right?

 

You make it sound like oral sex is something everyone HAS to do and enjoy doing. Pretty soon it will be that every woman has to enjoy a cum shot in the face or be totally willing to have ear sex (yeah, use your imagination...).

 

Spend less time watching porn and more time romancing her...

 

No, it's not something that everyone has to do, but I think there's a massive difference between a BJ and getting blasted in the face or ear sex (lol). And I think it's kind of silly to act like it's deviant for a wife to perform oral sex.

 

Besides, the question seems to imply that the wife was once willing to do it, and then stopped. In which case I'd answer that if there's any intimate act that the spouse used to do and then stopped, it's probably an indicator that something's wrong. Used to kiss and stopped- problem. Used to give BJs and stopped- problem. Used to get dressed up like a goat and have anal sex outdoors in the middle of winter in Alaska and stopped- problem.

[Trialbyfire]

No, it's not something that everyone has to do, but I think there's a massive difference between a BJ and getting blasted in the face or ear sex (lol). And I think it's kind of silly to act like it's deviant for a wife to perform oral sex.

It's got nothing to do with deviance and everything to do with assumptive entitlement.

 

He's looking for answers in not only the wrong place but perhaps in an odd way, might be the place to look, if she felt pressured to do so.

 

Besides, the question seems to imply that the wife was once willing to do it, and then stopped. In which case I'd answer that if there's any intimate act that the spouse used to do and then stopped, it's probably an indicator that something's wrong. Used to kiss and stopped- problem. Used to give BJs and stopped- problem. Used to get dressed up like a goat and have anal sex outdoors in the middle of winter in Alaska and stopped- problem.

Could you explain where the OP implies that it was once received? Appears to me that other members have done so, but not the OP.

 

More telling than oral sex, is the lack of intimate kissing.

[Lizzie60]

Nahh. I would say that kissing is way more indicative than oral sex..

 

With my first ex.. I still gave him oral but I couldn't get myself to kiss him on the lips (even a small kiss was too much).. cause it disgusted me..

 

Go figure.. I didn't mind oral..but couldn't kiss him on the lips.. but it's sooo true.

[Intricategirl]

Could you explain where the OP implies that it was once received? Appears to me that other members have done so, but not the OP.

 

In the last question in bold. If it's an act that had not been present during the entire relationship, it's fairly natural to assume that it's not going to start as other intimacy fails. Does the wording absolutely exclude these relationships from the sample? Of course not. That's why I used the word "implies".

 

And I gotcha on the assumptive entitlement.

[Lucky_One]

Interesting, and I think true in theory.

 

I tend to give oral as part of foreplay, but it isn't something I necessarily do because I love giving it. I give it because my partner loves getting it. It turns me on further to see how turned on he gets - but I don't get turned on because I am down there doing what I am doing.

 

So looking back at my marriage, I basically quit giving, because I didn't care anymore about turning him on. I wanted him turned off, because I was so disgusted by his drinking and his control issues that I didn't want to have sex anyway.

 

I can remember how he would follow me around sometimes, and would actually pull himself out of his pants and want me to give him a BJ. I would open the shower curtain, and there he'd be - d*ck hanging out and this grin on his face like he just knew I couldn't wait to get down on my knees. Or in the garage while we were putting away yard tools after cutting the grass. There were times I wanted to cut the damn thing off with the hedge trimmers.

 

With my current BF, we both happily give and receive, because giving pleasure is still very important to us. When we are at a point where we don't care about how much pleasure our partner receives, then I am sure that the oral will ease off.

[Trialbyfire]

In the last question in bold. If it's an act that had not been present during the entire relationship, it's fairly natural to assume that it's not going to start as other intimacy fails. Does the wording absolutely exclude these relationships from the sample? Of course not. That's why I used the word "implies".

 

And I gotcha on the assumptive entitlement.

Okay, I see where you got your perspective from. That last question is ambiguous.

 

With this in mind, I agree that if someone stops providing a form of intimacy, it can be telling. Whether it's telling that she's no longer interested in your pleasure or that she never enjoyed it in the first place but did it due to the entitlement factor, or components of both, I don't know.

[Athena]

Used to get dressed up like a goat and have anal sex outdoors in the middle of winter in Alaska and stopped- problem.

 

there he'd be - d*ck hanging out and this grin on his face like he just knew I couldn't wait to get down on my knees. Or in the garage while we were putting away yard tools after cutting the grass. There were times I wanted to cut the damn thing off with the hedge trimmers.

 

LOL to both :lmao:

[n9688m]

I'm curious.. why do you consider oral sex more intimate than missionary sex?

 

Many would say the opposite I think.

 

Well I guess that is open for discussion.

 

The main reason I suggested this is that if a woman is "secretly" planning to end a marriage, refusing even missionary sex would most likely blatantly give away that something is up. I suspect that would be an immediate dealbreaker for many marriages. It may be a bit easier to make excuses to avoid oral sex for a while.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I guess that is open for discussion.

 

The main reason I suggested this is that if a woman is "secretly" planning to end a marriage, refusing even missionary sex would most likely blatantly give away that something is up. I suspect that would be an immediate dealbreaker for many marriages. It may be a bit easier to make excuses to avoid oral sex for a while.

Missionary is more intimate than oral sex. One is external, the other internal. I don't think you understand women.

[n9688m]

Could you explain where the OP implies that it was once received? Appears to me that other members have done so, but not the OP.

 

Well actually I am thinking about this in both situations.

 

Certainly as you noted, if a specific intimate act was once performed and then she no longer wants to do it, then something is wrong. That probably out to indeed be a big red flag.

 

I also have a theory that some percentage of walkaway wife situations occur because in fact the wife was never really interested in the husband for romantic or passionate reasons but instead married out of convenience or status or finances or whatever other reason. In those marriages, it may well be that a lack of oral sex ever was a sign that the marriage was ultimately doomed because it happened for the wrong reasons to begin with.

[n9688m]

One is external, the other internal. I don't think you understand women.

 

I will agree that I do not understand women - a walkaway wife certainly convinced me of that.

 

That said, I guess my point was that in most marriages (and certainly my own) abandoning missionary sex in the absence of a medical problem would be an instant dealbreaker and tipoff that something is wrong. It's a bit easier to avoid the other acts and still pretend things are OK.

[Trialbyfire]

Well actually I am thinking about this in both situations.

 

Certainly as you noted, if a specific intimate act was once performed and then she no longer wants to do it, then something is wrong. That probably out to indeed be a big red flag.

 

I also have a theory that some percentage of walkaway wife situations occur because in fact the wife was never really interested in the husband for romantic or passionate reasons but instead married out of convenience or status or finances or whatever other reason. In those marriages, it may well be that a lack of oral sex ever was a sign that the marriage was ultimately doomed because it happened for the wrong reasons to begin with.

It could also be that she's just not into oral sex, or she's just not into anal or even doggy-style. Each individual will have preferences for sexual acts.

 

I'm a walk-away wife due to my ex-H cheating on me. I won't do anal with anyone. Does this mean I married and am marrying my new man, for reasons other than love?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Oral sex wasn't a big issue. actually I had alot of hangups about sex when we first got married, and when i discovered internet chat rooms I realized from talking to others that I could really get into it. Had a chat with hubby and our sex life did a 180!

 

He was always a lousy kisser though, tried to eat my face, so there was never alot of kissing. When it was ending, we stopped having sex altogether for 9 months. I still don't know the real reasons why he stopped wanting me. Then we tried for a few months but it was too late.

 

So it wasn't the oral on my part, although I could never get him off with a BJ, and have since been able to finish a bj with other partners, so I know it wasn't me.

 

Really, our split had nothing to do with sex, and more with communication, needs, expectations, and just growing apart with differing parenting styles, home ideas, money of course.

[n9688m]

I'm a walk-away wife due to my ex-H cheating on me.

 

Then you are not a walk-away wife. You are an agrieved spouse - very different.

 

It could also be that she's just not into oral sex

 

Indeed that could be the case. But is the fact that a woman is "not into oral sex" -- and never was -- a warning that the initial passion was just there to make her want to please her spouse, or is it simply a matter of personal preference? That's exactly the question I am raising in this thread - I'm not really sure what I think.

[Trialbyfire]

Indeed that could be the case. But is the fact that a woman is "not into oral sex" -- and never was -- a warning that the initial passion was just there to make her want to please her spouse, or is it simply a matter of personal preference? That's exactly the question I am raising in this thread - I'm not really sure what I think.

My take is that it's preference. While porn has made oral a normal expectation of having sex, if someone doesn't like it, they're not going to do it from the start. If they choose to do it at the beginning, then stop, it might be an indicator of unappreciation or someone pretending to be someone they weren't, just to bag the man.

[n9688m]

someone pretending to be someone they weren't, just to bag the man.

 

Which in fact I suspect is precisely the root cause of many walkaway wife situations.

 

In my case, after a lot of thought, my ultimate question is not why my STBXW left after many year but rather why she married me to begin with. I think this is probably the most important question for many other walkaway wife situations too.

[Trialbyfire]

Which in fact I suspect is precisely the root cause of many walkaway wife situations.

 

In my case, after a lot of thought, my ultimate question is not why my STBXW left after many year but rather why she married me to begin with. I think this is probably the most important question for many other walkaway wife situations too.

Understood. For your next relationship, why not use the litmus test of finding someone who doesn't need you to compensate for their lack, whether financial or otherwise? That's the litmus test I use.