quankanne Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 bent, you've raised an unasked, but important question we've yet to ask the OP: Is there abuse in your marriage? Are you physically violent, emotionally or verbally abusive? I'm not asking you to post your answer here, but carefully think about this and answer yourself honestly: Do you hit your wife, or have you hit her in the past? Are you demanding and/or belittling toward her? When you two have sex (now or in the past) was it a tool of control? OR was your wife abused in the past, and this is how she responds to intimacy? abuse is a HUGE factor in someone emotionally cutting themself off to you ... where they tolerate your touch but don't revel in it because to agree is to get you out of their space more quickly. no accusations here, just trying to help you figure out what's going on with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 OR was your wife abused in the past, and this is how she responds to intimacy? abuse is a HUGE factor in someone emotionally cutting themself off to you ... where they tolerate your touch but don't revel in it because to agree is to get you out of their space more quickly. no accusations here, just trying to help you figure out what's going on with her. If she has been abused in the past, you should leave her. You aren't her therapist, and it will take a LOT of time for her to overcome her state of mind, if she ever does fully. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Yep, my W had emotional and sexual abuse in her past and we couldn't even touch that in MC. It was during this time that I began to formulate my "thinking" a relationship theory. It's why, during the "honeymoon" period, I felt close enough to her to want to get married. She was thinking that part, not feeling it, because all those feelings were cut off within her psyche. As I often say here, time reveals all truths Best wishes, OP; you'll need them ... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 If she has been abused in the past, you should leave her. You aren't her therapist, and it will take a LOT of time for her to overcome her state of mind, if she ever does fully. Seems more than a little harsh. What if she were to develop a long-term illness? He's not her doctor either. While I agree it's a complex and difficult issue, I also think that a committed partner would want to exhaust all avenues before leaving... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I did and have started the D process Sold the guns... Dude, you NEVER sell the guns! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 LOL, no worries. I just enjoy gunsmithing. Not hard to fix up some more, perhaps later when my emotions are more calm and I care less. I think caring less will help the OP retain his sanity here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spackler Posted May 7, 2009 Author Share Posted May 7, 2009 Absolutely no physical abuse at all. I'm not the type. My wife is a very head strong person and would never tolerate anything like that in her previous relationships. So that is out. I really don't know what verbal abuse is bad. We have disagreements like any other marriage would I guess. But our biggest tussle is regarding the topic of this thread. It's just difficult and frustrating to try to pinpoint what the deal is between us. She's one of the more social people in the world...I am not. But she has a very difficult time 'talking' to me about deeper emotional issues. I've asked her to open up, but to no avail. She may just have a hard time getting a grip on her emotions and understanding them. Could she be afraid to share her full self with me? She did have a boyfriend in HS through college that died. She still keeps in touch with their family (but not that often). I sometimes wonder if she already gave her heart to this person and won't give it to anyone else. Could be nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 More curiousity than anything - is there a woman that you have found yourself drawn to more, outside of your marriage? One who that you find loving and affectionate to other people? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spackler Posted May 7, 2009 Author Share Posted May 7, 2009 More curiousity than anything - is there a woman that you have found yourself drawn to more, outside of your marriage? One who that you find loving and affectionate to other people? No. I actually hope I don't meet someone like that because I'm not sure how I'd react. I put out the vibe that I'm taken to all. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 If anything why dont you just tell your wife what you want instead of being a little punk about it, man up and just tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Seems more than a little harsh. What if she were to develop a long-term illness? He's not her doctor either. Exactly. There are people whose job it is to take care of ill people. Relationships are about fun. While I agree it's a complex and difficult issue, I also think that a committed partner would want to exhaust all avenues before leaving As long as those avenues aren't detrimental the partner who is seeking them. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 spack, thanks for not reading anything other than what I was asking in my question, it's a tough subject to broach ... however, something else you've said makes me wonder: She did have a boyfriend in HS through college that died. ... I sometimes wonder if she already gave her heart to this person and won't give it to anyone else. that's a possibility, and definitely something you need to explore in marriage counseling. Couple that with her affair, and now zero desire to initiate any kind of intimacy in a relationship, it could be the basis of her distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Exactly. There are people whose job it is to take care of ill people. Relationships are about fun. most committed adult relationships are about more than just fun. fun is an important element, of course, as is sex (often they're one and the same thing ). but a relationship should also be about friendship, family, support, compromise, growing up and old together. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I hope he never has to grow old and watch his lover die in his arms Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 spack, thanks for not reading anything other than what I was asking in my question, it's a tough subject to broach ... however, something else you've said makes me wonder: She did have a boyfriend in HS through college that died. ... I sometimes wonder if she already gave her heart to this person and won't give it to anyone else. that's a possibility, and definitely something you need to explore in marriage counseling. Couple that with her affair, and now zero desire to initiate any kind of intimacy in a relationship, it could be the basis of her distance. OP, do you think maybe she has just "settled" for you and was never "in love" with you? Is that possible? How does one compete with a ghost? Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 but a relationship should also be about friendship, family, support, compromise, growing up and old together. Not compromise. If a man wants to be happy in marriage, he shouldn't compromise. If he is attractive enough to his wife, she will compromise. You may say it's sexist, but for the man to have to happiest possible marriage, it's 100% true. And if the woman is attracted enough to the man, she'll be happy too. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 "compromise" in the sense that both parties give so that the relationship is enriched, not in a negative connotation where "you do this so I can be happy ... or else!" That (nor what you just posted about wives giving in to their husband) is not true compromise, but a good way to kill the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 9, 2009 Share Posted May 9, 2009 Not compromise. If a man wants to be happy in marriage, he shouldn't compromise. If he is attractive enough to his wife, she will compromise. You may say it's sexist, but for the man to have to happiest possible marriage, it's 100% true. And if the woman is attracted enough to the man, she'll be happy too. not only do i say it's sexist and absolutely dispute the bullsh*t "100%" true statistic you've pulled out of nowhere, i will try to remember to say a little prayer of thanks every day that i am not married to you, admiral Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I'm married to a woman like yours, Sparc, and I can sympathise... some of you may have read past threads from me about this. I got so upset by the whole thing that I turned into some kind of monster... the resentment boils inside and it will take you nowhere, believe me. You can't change your wife. I tried to change mine and didn't work. We even separated at one point. She is just not an affectionate person and I can tell you she doesn't love you like she used to. She is probably still attracted enough to you to have sex once a week (I wonder how often it would be if she had the choice!), but her marriage is indeed a business now. It's better the devil you know. You have kids and, like my wife, she is prepared to put up with the rest not to destroy the family. I learnt it the hard way. I slept in my office for two months and then I thought: what am I doing? Why try and change a person after all these years? Where do I take it from here? So, I decided to stay and came off the antidepressants... guess what? I'm a different person. You know, the world doesn't revolve around you. Things evolve in a family life and you either accept it or leave... Link to post Share on other sites
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