What's wrong with me?

[mjr810]

We have been married for 27 years and have 5 grown children, all of whom are successful adults contributing to society.

 

After 15 years of marriage, my wife had her first of at least 4 affairs that I knew of. I was crushed. What had I done to deserve this I wondered. She had her first after she convinced herself that I was cheating (which I have never done). I work in a female dominated industry and thus I developed the ability to relate to women in general very easily, though only on a co-worker type superficial level. Naturally I found some more attractive than others but but I would never flirt with them or talk about my home life with them.

 

We did not split because of the children but I had every intention of leaving when the children were taken care of and on their own. There was no way I was going to let one or any of the goons she was with enter the lives of my children (4 of them are girls), there is no telling what would have happened to them.

 

My wife has long suffered from low self esteem and is like a sieve -- she needs constant words of approval and attention but is never full. Before the kids and 60 hour work week came along, I was able to fill that need.

Then, after the first affair, I no longer had the desire to do that. Still, I remained courteous and respectful, just not very affectionate as I have a very difficult time faking or masking my feelings. Of course, that pushed her toward her usual coping mechanism - cheating.

 

Because I have had some unhappy experiences in my marriage, I sought counseling a couple of times to seek advice on what to do. Neither of them could understand why I stay in a relationship that is so much less that what it could be; so much less than what it SHOULD be. I've searched around for the answer to that question myself.

 

For some background, I was raised in the Catholic Church. I had the benefit of 12 years in either a Catholic or private school. I don't consider myself a religious person; in fact I no longer go to Mass. The values I was taught in my formative years are still with me, though. Values like commitment, loyalty, honor, trust. Never give up. I was taught never to take advantage of people, never to hurt others. I'm sure that I have done so, but I haven't done so intentionally or with malice. I was taught to 'turn the other cheek' when someone hurt me or did wrong to me. I don't feel the need for revenge. I was taught to be the protector, the provider, the rock.

 

I am at the point now where I am asking myself -- Have I carried this too far? Have people (my wife for instance) taken advantage of me because they knew I would not retaliate? Have I become a doormat? The answer is, of course, yes. But that doesn't make it any easier to face. Here's the rub, the contradiction -- I like who I am. I like being me. A big part of who I am that I work daily to be a better person today that I was yesterday.

 

And as result, ultimately, I know that I have to find a better balance in my life before I can really be any good to anyone.

 

I want to leave, I want a better relationship. I also think that she will be a better person without me. She needs someone who shares her interests, someone who will bring out the best in her. I know I have brought out some good in her but I have not brought out her best.

 

 

Now that the gravy train is nearing the end of the journey, she was the one crushed when last year I told her it was time. She was crushed but I took no solace in that. I felt so bad to see her in such misery. I don't want to see her suffer as she transitions into a new life. After all, she is the mother of my children (they are still Daddy's girls)....and I care for them very much. I don't want to see them hurt either. So, I decided to delay until she could get hold of herself. Unfortunately, we have not moved any closer to what I know is the best solution for both of us....divorce.

 

So what is it that I want? First, I want to love again. I want to be more than someone's meal ticket. I want a partner with whom I can go places, do things, be active. Explore and take risks. Be adventurous. To be with someone who looks to me for support, for love. To be with someone who I can bring out the best in and who brings out the best in me. My wife is none of these things, she likes to sit on the couch and read romance novels or watch TV. Ironically, she has been very happy with me for that past few years, unlike the span when she was having her affairs.

 

My parents are both gone. My siblings live over 1000 miles away and we have not built a relationships where I can just go talk to them about it. (Just a side note for those whose parents are still alive: Cherish and love them. They are the only people in this world who really care about you.)

 

What is wrong with me?

 

Why can't I just go through with it?

 

Is it just a matter of courage?

 

What can I do?

 

Who can I talk to?

[Biggie25x]

You are not alone. You can talk to people here, people you are close to in your church, your pastor/priest, another pastor/priest, family members etc....

 

You need to focus on yourself now. Ask me how I know. It's one of the hardest things you will ever do but it must be done. Is living as a single really worse than staying in this situation? Are you better off here, feeling like this, or single and moving on. No one else can answer that question but you.

 

However, the way she has treated you is atrocious. She has used you and your relationship. I am a recovering Catholic myself and sometimes a religious belief is not enough. I know how they feel about divorce but I also know you have a right to a little happiness in this life. If she is using your beliefs against you and doesn't want to work on the situation than you need to do what you need to do.

 

It is tough, take a few and just breath for a while. Time gives perspective. Listen to the people on this forum I can't tell you how much their advice has helped/is helping me. Not all of it will work for you but enough will.

 

Keep your chin up. I know the low feelings you have in a marriage that isn't going well. You are in a place that makes you feel not like you/ like you don't matter. Just keep telling your self it is not wrong to think of "me" and not "us" sometimes.

[PWSX3]

I will probably tell you something different then most people here, but I guess this way you get a couple options to look at.

 

I can only use my own experience as an example.

When my former wife moved out for the second time I found a local church that had divorce care classes. Growing up I went to church but when we got married we quit going.

 

Not saying the Catholic church is bad but I noticed a few of the people that were either facilitators or participants used to be Catholic but were now going to this church. After a while I started going to the church, then joined a men's group & seeked help from a person that went to the church & for "ME" it was the best thing I could have done....

 

So I would like to suggest you just start working on you. Join a men's group or a hiking group, or a sky diving group or whatever you are interested in. You don't need your W to do things with you....

 

One thing I have learned is there are three parts to a marriage, yours, hers, & ours....Both you should have your hobbies but then you should have something that you both enjoy doing. Might take a little to figure that out.

 

Someone suggested here a while ago, think back to when you were first married & what was it that attracted you to her????? Try & restart that fire.

 

Before giving up, put a little effort into making your marriage work & start with doing things for you.....

 

Hopefully when she sees you are starting to enjoy yourself she will get interested & join you. Find things that you guys like to do such as movies, maybe dinner theaters, etc. I bet that would surprise her if you took her to a dinner theater or a play???

 

Marriages are hard, they take work, are you willing to put in that effort????

 

Good luck, hope some of my rambling will help.

[Gunny376]

What's wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with you?

 

You manned the wall, you manned the fence! You put you family before yourself! You scarificed, went without, did without ~ for them!

 

You placed their well being before your own.

 

You kept your "faith"

 

Your a man of integrity, honor, "code" and principal!

 

You were a BIGGER part of something in life than yourself!

 

You placed your values, your honor, you code, your devotion to your daughters wants and needs before your own.

 

In short, you seriously "manned-uped" and now it time for YOU!

 

Its time for your happy-@zz to "catch thr bus to Mexico!"

 

And live your life for you!

[Admiral]

After 15 years of marriage, my wife had her first of at least 4 affairs that I knew of. I was crushed.

By not divorcing her after the first affair, she lost ALL respect for you. She had an affair because she was more attracted to those man than she was to you.

 

What had I done to deserve this I wondered.

She didn't find you attractive enough. She found them attractive, though.

 

Naturally I found some more attractive than others but but I would never flirt with them or talk about my home life with them.

Meanwhile, your wife is doing far more than flirting with other men.

 

My wife has long suffered from low self esteem and is like a sieve -- she needs constant words of approval and attention but is never full.

That's no excuse for her. Giving a woman constant attention kills her attraction for you.

 

I was taught to 'turn the other cheek' when someone hurt me or did wrong to me.

Yeah, you're wife is also turning the other cheek. Towards the guy she is naked with.

 

By "turning the other cheek" when she cheats, you've lost all her respect. You cannot let a woman walk all over you like that.

 

I am at the point now where I am asking myself -- Have I carried this too far? Have people (my wife for instance) taken advantage of me because they knew I would not retaliate? Have I become a doormat? The answer is, of course, yes.

But that doesn't make it any easier to face. Here's the rub, the contradiction -- I like who I am. I like being me. A big part of who I am that I work daily to be a better person today that I was yesterday.

You've grown complacent, you can always improve yourself.

 

I want to leave, I want a better relationship. I also think that she will be a better person without me. She needs someone who shares her interests, someone who will bring out the best in her.

Forget about her. You need to leave NOW. Divorce papers tomorrow.

 

I felt so bad to see her in such misery. I don't want to see her suffer as she transitions into a new life.

You owe her nothing. She cheated and made you life a misery, and now you're feeling sorry for her.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

Why can't I just go through with it?

 

Is it just a matter of courage?

 

What can I do?

 

Who can I talk to?

You've grown complacent. You can't bring yourself to make the change. You're afraid of the unknown. You just need to end it once and for all, not matter what, RIGHT NOW.

 

Re-educate yourself in how to be attractive to women. If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get exactly the same unhappy results.

[Chrome Barracuda]

4 affairs? and she's crying about loosing you? what she'd think would happen?

 

I wouldnt feel any sympathy for her, I mean yeah it sucks but she caused this to happen, she has no one to blame but herself.

 

Yeah you was a doormat then but now that your regaining your strength and not being a pushover, she's hitting cold hard truth! Stay the course and file for divorce. if you dont love her anymore because of the cheating you dont need to be with her. I wouldnt recommend even staying with her because she's a serial cheater and she may be prone to do it again. i wouldnt be able to trust her either.

 

Please update on your progress.

[mjr810]

To all who posted so far, thank you for your support. This morning I told her I wanted to end our relationship. She was still able to go to work so I guess I didn't mess her up too bad. I hadn't planned on doing it that way but she managed to pull it out of me -- she could see I was preoccupied. Anyway, she's not home yet so I don't know the rest of the story.

 

Again, I really appreciate the replies, even your direct comments, Admiral. I hope I can continue to rely on your support in the coming days. I'm probably going to need it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

To all who posted so far, thank you for your support. This morning I told her I wanted to end our relationship. She was still able to go to work so I guess I didn't mess her up too bad. I hadn't planned on doing it that way but she managed to pull it out of me -- she could see I was preoccupied. Anyway, she's not home yet so I don't know the rest of the story.

 

Again, I really appreciate the replies, even your direct comments, Admiral. I hope I can continue to rely on your support in the coming days. I'm probably going to need it.

 

Yeah, she aint home??? Right I wonder where she is? lol. We all know what she's doing.

 

She wants to reconsile? Right and yet she mysteriously disappears? Yeah. We've all been there and down the road again.

 

Stay strong, and stand your ground. do not give in to your emotions right now, she'll use that against you. A woman that has 4 affairs in the past and does nothing to fix herself or the marriage should not be trusted.

 

Take it from my experience. It happened to me, best thing I ever did was move on.

[Biggie25x]

Listen to Chrome, he is right on and has helped me. This woman is no good and will never change. If she was going to she would have been home with you. Listen to her actions not her words. They are telling you loud and clear what's going on in her head.

[mark982]

if my wife told me b/4 i left for work that she wanted it end our marriage, the only place i'd be after work was home.her actions speak volums