fahrenheit Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 My fiance of two years is 34. I am 28. He has always seemed keen on having a family and mentions his desire for children openly. I also want a family but we have agreed that we would like to wait until we are more financially secure and closer to home (we live abroad). The thing is, he is openly disgusted by pregnancy. He says he doesn't like the idea of the whole process and he doesn't think he will be able to be in the delivery room with me. He also says that he is honestly afraid he won't ever be attracted to me again after I have a baby. He gets a disgusted look on his face when he talks about it, like he's cringing. Needless to say, I've always been excited to be pregnant but all this talk is REALLY scaring me! Why would I have a baby with someone who can openly say that he may not be able to touch me ever again after the whole process? I'm just wondering whether he might actually have a psychological issue with this (some sort of prego-phobia), or whether he is honestly expressing a somewhat common male fear/perception. Is there a psychological term for this? How can I judge whether his desire for children will outweigh his disgust in the end? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 DON'T. It cannot be about whether or not one outweighs the other. Even if he believes that his desire for children would OUTWEIGH his disgust, it is not enough. The disgust would still be there. I don't know the psychology of it, but do not ever, ever, ever have children until said issue is resolved completely, not just outweighed by something else. Link to post Share on other sites
haagen Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 What kind of person would be disgusted about his wife being pregnant? That is insane. I think that before you get pregnant, you should resolve that problem with him. I think that he may be saying that not out of disgust but also it may be something else. If he loves you, he should love you anyway you are. Even more after you have carried his own child. That is the biggest present you have given him. How dare he says that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 whoa, red flag. it sounds like your partner has some serious psychological issues around this. it's normal for both parties to be uncertain/nervous about pregnancy and childbirth, and some guys do have a few hangups about having sex with pregnant women, but cringing with disgust at the thought of touching a pregnant woman or making love to his wife after she has had his child is definitely NOT NORMAL. it also sounds very immature, like his sexuality got frozen somewhere in pre-adolescence. JMO. he might be a wonderful person in all other respects but i wouldn't recommend that you marry/have a baby with this man unless he agrees to seek some psychological counseling to get at the root of his fears. even if you were to choose to adopt to get around his psychological problems in this area, i think he should try to figure this out because i can't help but wonder if he's got some issues with women's bodies in general. i hope others will have better advice for you; i'm afraid i have no personal experience with this, my partner found me beautiful and desirable before, during, and after my pregnancy with our son, and i love that about him. pregnancy is hard both physically and emotionally, you do NOT want your partner making you feel unattractive and unwanted on top of that. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 You will make a huge mistake having a child with this man. When you are pregnant you feel unattractive and gross...the last thing you need is a partner that isn't there for you. You will end up resenting him. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you during and after the pregnancy and eventually leaves you for an "unspoiled" woman. At least he's telling you how he feels....Don't ever think a man will just "get over" something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 The thing is, he is openly disgusted by pregnancy. He says he doesn't like the idea of the whole process and he doesn't think he will be able to be in the delivery room with me. He also says that he is honestly afraid he won't ever be attracted to me again after I have a baby. He gets a disgusted look on his face when he talks about it, like he's cringing. Wow. I always thought that my wife was never more beautiful than when she was pregnant with our kids and, being as I was very attracted to her, we had sex frequently. Some cliches aren't true but the one about a pregnant woman "glowing" definitely is. It's hard for me to imagine a Husband and Father feeling any differently. It truly is a miracle in every way. I don't know which is stranger - that he would feel that way or that he would so openly express himself. Does he have a plan for having children without pregnancy and childbirth ? Has he gone as far as proposing adoption? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 It sounds to me almost like a phobia. The only positive thing I can tell you is that this is not 'personal'. That is to say, even if he was with somebody else, it is such an ingrained emotion, it would not matter who it was, he would feel the same way. Tell him that frankly, he needs to talk to other men about this, because his feelings are completely abnormal. This is so rare as to be singular. Are you in a position to speak to his parents discreetly? To ask why he might feel this way? he has either got to see someone professional- or you will have to dismiss the idea of parenthood- with him - completely. I think this is what many people would call the dealbreaker. ? Unless he manages to overcome this issue by confronting it and admitting it, this is not the father of your children. And never will be, nor ever should be, as things stand. _/l\_ Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Pregnancy is hard enough without a supportive partner to help you through it. I would not have a child with this man. You already feel insecure and weird as it is with an extra 25-40 lbs on your midsection. Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 He also says that he is honestly afraid he won't ever be attracted to me again after I have a baby. Make sure you keep in shape. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 I don't think it has anything to do with weight anyway. I think he is so turned off by the idea of a baby coming out of her vagina that she could have Heidi Klum's body and he'd still be disgusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 I think it may be an issue of his desires conflicting with the practical functions of the body. For instance, people can have a desire for anal sex, but the practical function of the body may not be as 'appealing' and it kind of jars with the fantasy of the desire. The body has a use both for sex (pleasure, desire) and for practicality (not always so attractive or sexy). The vagina is for sexual use and can bring pleasure but it also has a practical purpose; to bring life into the world. Maybe his issue is that once you have a baby, he won't be able to view you as sexual or desirable anymore, which is completely false in reality, and also should not affect YOUR view of you. This is quite a warped view in my opinion...but i'm not familiar with what men may say on the matter. Maybe it is more common than we think? Not outright disgust though - thats a strong word! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fahrenheit Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Thanks everyone for the replies. I agree that he is expressing a very immature view of what I have always seen - and many of you seem to agree - as natural, pure and awesome. While it doesn't make me feel personally insecure now, I can see how it might if I actually had a bump and have gained 20 pounds. And hearing it now certainly isn't an incentive for me to get pregnant. But I'm also wondering whether anyone's replies would have been different if I had characterized his feelings about pregnancy as "fear" or "discomfort", rather than "disgust"? Just curious. I'm not trying to downplay what I've already described about my fiance's attitude, but wonder if men are sometimes reticent to be candid about mixed feelings they may have about pregnancy. Something that might influence his feelings on the subject is that he is an only child who grew up with no contact with his father. I'm not certain, but I feel like it is possible that not having an example of fatherhood around might lead someone to feel a deep fear of the nature process leading up to it and a personal insecurity at your own ability to adapt to the role? That said, Nikki and BnB, I think you guys might be on to something with the Madonna/Whore, Sexy/Practical idea. My fiance has always been afraid of menstrual blood and was the first man I was ever with who refused to make love during my period. He has been known at times to categorize women as "good girls" or "bad girls" when it comes to willingness for certain types of sex. I always argue him out of it when it comes up in discussion (because I'm thrilled that women get to be - and always are - both!), but I can't deny that it says something about the way he might view things. In turn, one of my insecurities (when I allow myself to indulge) is that he somehow thinks of me in the "good girl" category, which makes me safe to marry but doesn't necessarily mean that he's primally attracted to me. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 It does sound odd. I hate kids and never want children myself. But hell, even I sometimes spank it to preggo porn. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 But I'm also wondering whether anyone's replies would have been different if I had characterized his feelings about pregnancy as "fear" or "discomfort", rather than "disgust"? Just curious. I'm not trying to downplay what I've already described about my fiance's attitude, but wonder if men are sometimes reticent to be candid about mixed feelings they may have about pregnancy. Perhaps you are right, men are not candid about negative feelings they may have associated with pregnancy... I know a lot of women with young babies right now - I have an almost 10 month old and all of my friends are having babies right now. The ones who have an easier time have partners who were not overtly repulsed or afraid of the process of pregnancy and having a child. The ones who are having a much more difficult time - not only with dealing with their infant, but also with their relationships - are those who did not have partners who were present or supportive during their pregnancy and birth. Just my experience, take it with a grain of salt. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 You have to realize too that in pregnancy your hormones go crazy. Even if you are OK with gaining a little weight, you will be very sensitive and a non supportive spouse will make you totally miserable. I think a lot of men are scared of the whole pregnancy thing, but nothing you wrote showed he was afraid, just disgusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 obviously men can find pregnancy scary...their lives are about to change in major ways, too. my partner was worried about how the baby might change our relationship, and scared for me and our son because my pregnancy was difficult and dangerous. we were both nervous about the c-section that was required. but i think that's all pretty normal...what you were describing doesn't sound normal. i agree that there's likely some kind of madonna/whore complex at work here, and like i said before, if he's really disgusted by idea of a baby coming out of you, well...that's pretty immature. the fact that he's freaked out by menstruation adds to my belief that he's got some serious issues with women's bodies. i mean, menstrual blood isnt' most people's favorite thing and wanting to avoid contact with it much of the time isn't a big deal but actively being 'afraid' of it...? if he was my fiance, i would tell him to take a biology class, and grow up. and there's no way i'd be willing to have a baby with him unless he spent serious time with a shrink and i could clearly see that he was opening his mind and changing some of his beliefs/expectations as a result. like other posters have said, your physical changes during pregnancy do NOT just involve putting on a little weight. you will feel and look different, your hormones will be all over the place, and you might be feeling quite ill and suffering from sleep deprivation (some people have very easy pregnancies but you never know what yours will be like until you're in it). you are very likely to be on an emotional roller-coaster, and believe me, a supportive partner who makes you feel loved no matter what will make the process much less stressful. Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 It's good you got this out in the open before you got that ring on. My bet this is just the tip of the iceberg.....start thinking about an exit stratagey. Link to post Share on other sites
scrunchy Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I don't think it has anything to do with weight anyway. I think he is so turned off by the idea of a baby coming out of her vagina that she could have Heidi Klum's body and he'd still be disgusted. Yep, unfortunately he feels her vagina was made soley for the pleasure of his penis. And if he doesn't get sexually aroused by her anymore after pregnancy, no doubt he'll be dipping his di#$ elsewhere. Apparently there is something going on there in the male's mind, or else so much cheating wouldn't occur during their wives' pregnancies. Link to post Share on other sites
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