calero Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Okay so I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We recently bought a house and our daughter will be 2 in August. We are very much in love and get along great. We enjoy being together. but.... First things first... I want more children, but he went and got himself fixed despite what I had to say about it. He has a seven year old son also and does not want any more children. I have been home with my daughter for about a month and a half now and I am dying to have another child. Second... I recently got a call from and ex (we broke up 5 years ago). He was engaged to be married and called it off. He says that he couldn't get married, because he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him sorry, but I am in a happy relationship. He understood, but wanted to at least be friends. He doesn't really have anyone except family. So we talk every now and then. My boyfriend knew this. Well I want to get married sometime in the future. I have asked my boyfriend about getting married before and he has said that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is not interested in getting married. It got me thinking when my ex said he couldn't get married because he was thinking of me. I started wondering if my boyfriend was thinking of someone else and that is why he doesn't want to marry me. I have a hard time bringing up anything emotional with my boyfriend, because he would typically rather not talk about emotions. I wanted to talk with my ex to find out exactly what he was thinking and see if I could gain any insight into what my boyfriend might be thinking. I was still totally confused. Well I never brought this up to my boyfriend. He got snoopy and started reading some of my old emails. He read an email about my ex and I getting together and talking. He immediately thought the worst and told me that if my ex was going to be in my life that he was not. I was very upset and proceeded to explain what we had talked about and tried to talk to him about the marriage issue. He again said that he has never wanted to get married (even though he married his son's mom). He said that maybe somday he would want to get married, but it would be a very long time and he wanted to make that decision by himself. By the way my exes mom had cancer and just had surgery to have it removed. She had some bad days after the surgery and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. My ex called me crying (I never imagined I would ever see or hear him cry, he is kind of a macho man). I was there for them because he didn't have anyone else to talk to. My boyfriend does not want me to talk to my ex anymore, because his mom is home from the hospital and is doing okay (my boyfriend knows that my exes parents mean alot to me, they are wonderful people). I am okay with not talking to him anymore, but I feel bad because he doesn't have anyone else to turn to. I have not spoken with him since my boyfriend got upset. I am still burdened with the fact that I want more children and I want to be married and he doesn't want either. Should I stick around and wait to see if he might want to marry me someday or say good bye? Saying good-bye would mean having to share my time with my daughter. He has already said he would fight me for custody, because he did not with his son. I could not bear to lose time with my daughter. Sorry this is so long. Any advice Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 It does not sound like either of you is very committed to the relationship. Him because he does not want to move forward and you because you have resumed a relationship with your ex. Since the new relationship with your ex has come between you and you both have vastly different ideas about more children...it will be especially hard to get him to commit to you further than he has. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Hmm, sounds like a lot of issues here..and from what I gather not in favor of your bf. He got himself fixed behind your back and says he doesn't want to get married? What more do you need to leave? I know you are scared to lose your daughter and all, but is being unmarried and unhappy something you are willing to do for the rest of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Ex is a fully formed adult; he'll be fine BF got a unilateral vasectomy. If you want to decide whether to bail or stay, get him into PMC or CT and share your feelings about that and other relationship issues. Sorting the issues with a neutral third party can help you and he decide a healthy course of action. Would he attend? If no, then seek legal advice regarding custody and an appropriate property settlement on any shared assets. Regardless, stay away from the ex right now. He clouds the important issues and you have your daughter to think of. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Ex is a fully formed adult; he'll be fine BF got a unilateral vasectomy. If you want to decide whether to bail or stay, get him into PMC or CT and share your feelings about that and other relationship issues. Sorting the issues with a neutral third party can help you and he decide a healthy course of action. Would he attend? If no, then seek legal advice regarding custody and an appropriate property settlement on any shared assets. Regardless, stay away from the ex right now. He clouds the important issues and you have your daughter to think of. Yeah, I totally agree. The ex thing probably isn't going to help the situation any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calero Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 Thank you for all the great advice. I have done a lot of thinking and I have since talked to my boyfriend again. I have decided that this is where I am meant to be. We want to be together forever. All I can do is hope and pray that someday he will be ready to get married again. Until then I will enjoy being with him and raising our daughter together. I couldn't see myself without him. I love him more than most people will ever love someone. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 It sounds like the two of you have some insecurities and are thinking the worst. You thought the worst when you started wondering if your boyfriend was thinking of someone else and that is why he doesn't want to get married to you. Your boyfriend thought the worst when he found out you are in contact with your previous boyfriend. It sounds like your ex-boyfriend is contacting you, because he needs someone to comfort him and he has no one else to fill that need except for you. The evidence shows that your boyfriend had an unhappy marriage. That's probably the reason he doesn't want to get married again. The only way to know for sure though is to ask him. Usually I'll ask my boyfriend such questions when we are together, relaxed, and sitting next to each other. I don't give any judgments at such times. I just ask questions, listen, and comfort him. It also sounds like your boyfriend has control issues. He shouldn't be making decisions that affect you without talking to you first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calero Posted May 7, 2009 Author Share Posted May 7, 2009 The evidence shows that your boyfriend had an unhappy marriage. That's probably the reason he doesn't want to get married again. The only way to know for sure though is to ask him. Usually I'll ask my boyfriend such questions when we are together, relaxed, and sitting next to each other. I don't give any judgments at such times. I just ask questions, listen, and comfort him. It also sounds like your boyfriend has control issues. He shouldn't be making decisions that affect you without talking to you first. I know that he had and unhappy marriage. I am just wondering if he will ever get past that and want to marry me? We have talked about it. He has said that he feels he does want to be with me forever, but is still unsure about marriage, but he might want to get married further down the line, like way further. I have decided that I know we love each other and we both want to be together forever. So I will just be patient. We also talked about him getting fixed. I told him that I disagreed and that I really wanted more children. We looked in to kryofreezing (sp?) sperm, but it is really expensive. He said if it comes down to it, he can have it reversed, but I really don't think he would do that. We don't have a lot of money, but children are my life. I am a childcare worker, so I come in contact with many children. It just makes me want another child even worse. I have told him if he won't let me have another child, I will just spoil the one I have, but I would rather have another child. I believe this will alway be something that we will disagree on. Every couple has something. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 Your boyfriend is right about a few things. Most importantly: You can't be friends with an ex who wants to be more than friends. No way, no how. Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I sort of feel the same as Enema. You can't be friends with an ex who wants to be more than friends, especially when you are still attracted to your ex. I have a similar issue as you. My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. He is very reluctant to get married. He was always afraid to get married, but he is especially afraid due to a previous relationship. His former girlfriend of only a few months, who he was trying to break up with, got pregnant on purpose (she's admitted to this), had a baby, and sued him for child support. My boyfriend is happy that I love him and want to marry him. But he is too scared to get married. I'm trying to ease his fears. It is not easy. I feel very frustrated. I don't know what to do. I can't threaten to leave him. That's how he lost his first long-time girlfriend. He's just too scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calero Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 You can't be friends with an ex who wants to be more than friends, especially when you are still attracted to your ex. This is just to set the record straight. I am NOT still attracted to my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
subdued Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 You told your ex that you were sorry but were in a happy relationship when your ex said that he called off his engagement because he couldn't stop thinking about you. I assumed this meant that you would get back together if it were not for your current relationship. Does your ex know that you are no longer attracted to him and have no plans to get back together even if you weren't in a happy relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
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