muffintop Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Hello, I am 29, my husband is 27. We've been togethere for 5 years now, no children yet. My husband has a younger cousin who is 19, who I've become jealous of. 1, because she's pretty and slim. I am bigger thanher and self consious of my weight anyway. Both me and my husbands are friends with her on a social networking sight and my husband doesn't hold back to tell her how 'stunning' and 'beautiful' she looks. She's also quite smart, so he also phrases her for any educational achievements. I know you're thinking 'Don't be stupid, she's his cousin', but, there is no blood relation... She is adopted, and it's well know in the family. I don't know why, but it's really getting to me, I'm always looking at her pictures To be fair though, she's a very nice girl, she's not flirty or tarty or anything like that, espeially not with my husband so I can't be resentful towards her. I just don't like it the way my husband talks about her and to her at times. Am I over reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 I also didn't add that we argued about this yesterday... When I told him I didn't like the way he spoke to her times, he just brushed it off as if it were my problem and that I shouldn't feel this way because she's a relative. He spoke to her earlier as he heard recently as she was getting a long distance taxi ride, the taxi rider (who was apparently old enough to be her dad) offered her a cheaper fare in exchange for her number. My husband kicked up a fuss about it and seemed really annoyed over it... It's got to the point where even that bothered me Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Am I over reacting? Yes you are. It's his cousin for goodness sakes. She's more or less his sister, regardless of who's womb she popped out of. Seriously, do yourself a favor and seek some counseling, before your anger blows this out of proportion. There are people going through far tougher situations and it seems like you're trying to knit-pick a problem, that does not need to exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Yes you are. It's his cousin for goodness sakes. She's more or less his sister, regardless of who's womb she popped out of. Seriously, do yourself a favor and seek some counseling, before your anger blows this out of proportion. There are people going through far tougher situations and it seems like you're trying to knit-pick a problem, that does not need to exist. He doesn't see her that often so I think the 'sister' bit is going a bit too far... He's also not the same with his other cousins as he is with her. I know it looks like I'm over reacting as I haven't mentioned everything... I've heard him talk to his friends about her, he does nothing but phrase her, and says how pretty she is Also like I said, he's sent her messages over social networking site telling her how nice she looks himself. A friend from work after seeing her pictures asked him to bring her along when we were going out one time, so he could meet her and have some sort of date with her or something... My husband reacted badly to this and gave him a definitive no. I'd understand if it were a 'protective' instinct he has for her, but it really doesn't feel that way to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe it is different because I am not in the situation, but I do see his behavior as being protective. He doesn't want some old lech taxi driver asking for her number in exchange for cash. He doesn't want some co-worker trying to get into her pants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Lucky One- I understand what you are saying, it probably is because you are not in the situation yourself... or maybe my jealousy is just clouding my judgement. Knowing my husband the way I do, I do think there's at least some attraction there Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Ok, I know this sounds really silly but I've just looked at her profile and see he's left another comment, where he's added "Looking good hun "... Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Uh, it's his cousin. I think you might be blowing things out of proportion, provided you don't live in Alabama. Disclaimer: The Alabama thing was a joke. Or was it? Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Have you just told him quietly and directly that you are not happy with yourself because of your weight issues, and that it hurts your feelings when he is so complimentary of her looks? And then ask him directly to please stop complimenting her on her attractiveness, and to please stick to talking about her job or her academic achievement or intelligence FOR YOU. And if he does not, then ask him why it is more important to him to please her than to please you. As a side note - if you are not happy with your weight, then you can work on that for yourself. Does your H have an issue with your being overweight? Could he be trying subconciously to show you what he thinks an attractive woman looks like, without saying it about "available" (meaning non-family) women, so that you notice and go on a diet? If he told you that you needed to diet in order to be more attractive to him, would that bother you? If so, he may be trying to tell you in an indirect way so that it doesn't hurt your feelings to hear that he doesn't find you as attractive as he used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 JeezLouise- Thanks for your reply Yes, I have told him this, and he doesn't take it seriously... He asks why it bothers me if she's his cousin... That's always the get out of jail card for him. He can talk to his friends all day about how gorgeous she is, but because she's his cousin, then that makes it ok I'm not going to post a picture of her, as that would be an invasion of her privacy, but she is very attractive... She looks an awful lot like this actress here from Bond movie... http://www.ugo.com/movies/best-bond-girls/images/entries/kingmarceau.jpg .... A few people have mentioned how similar they look I also avoid speaking too much about this to my husband, just in case he mentions anything to her... like i said before i don't have a problem with her personally and she's always been very friendly to me and i believe she's a nice person. I wouldn't want to create any awkwardness... Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 And the side note? Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Ok, I agree that is just weird. Who constantly talks about how gorgeous their cousin is? My boyfriend has a weird cousin like this. Whenever they are at family stuff she throws herself all over him, drags him around for pictures and afterwards sends him text messages saying "I love it when I get to see you!"....Which would be fine, but combined with her other behavior...It creeps me out. He thinks it is creepy too, so it's not really a problem in our relationship, but if he was acting the way she does, he'd be out the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 And the side note? Sorry don't quite understand what u mean... Ok, I agree that is just weird. Who constantly talks about how gorgeous their cousin is? My boyfriend has a weird cousin like this. Whenever they are at family stuff she throws herself all over him, drags him around for pictures and afterwards sends him text messages saying "I love it when I get to see you!"....Which would be fine, but combined with her other behavior...It creeps me out. He thinks it is creepy too, so it's not really a problem in our relationship, but if he was acting the way she does, he'd be out the door. Well nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this... Your boyfriends cousin sounds very young, is she? I'm wouldn't say I'm an insecure, I mean I don't expect him to ignore her and say she's not attractive when she quite obviously is But he really goes over board, which fuels my insecurities Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Have you just told him quietly and directly that you are not happy with yourself because of your weight issues, and that it hurts your feelings when he is so complimentary of her looks? And then ask him directly to please stop complimenting her on her attractiveness, and to please stick to talking about her job or her academic achievement or intelligence FOR YOU. And if he does not, then ask him why it is more important to him to please her than to please you. As a side note - if you are not happy with your weight, then you can work on that for yourself. Does your H have an issue with your being overweight? Could he be trying subconciously to show you what he thinks an attractive woman looks like, without saying it about "available" (meaning non-family) women, so that you notice and go on a diet? If he told you that you needed to diet in order to be more attractive to him, would that bother you? If so, he may be trying to tell you in an indirect way so that it doesn't hurt your feelings to hear that he doesn't find you as attractive as he used to.[/QUOTE] Mmm I don't think that is what he's trying to do... I am not so big myself, when I said I am bigger than his cousin, I mean I am only 2 sizers bigger. My weight to be honest isn't really the issue, so much as my H's approach to his cousin Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Well nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this... Your boyfriends cousin sounds very young, is she? No, she is in her late 20s and married! It could have been the way she was raised though. My family was never physically close. I get weirded out when my boyfriends mom hugs and kisses me on the cheek even though I know it's fine, just not used to it....But even with that, I think she takes it to the extreme. If they weren't cousins I can see her trying to date him. Her main myspace picture is a picture of her and my bf....Before she took the picture, it was her and her husband...and she sent my bf a text saying that he should make his picture the same one she had! Maybe I'm reading too much into it....but still gives me the creeps. I can see occasionally mentioning how pretty she is, but all the time and being so overprotective makes you wonder. It's like to him she is the perfect woman and I can see where you don't feel like you measure up. I doubt that he will ever cross the line.....but I understand how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 No, she is in her late 20s and married! It could have been the way she was raised though. My family was never physically close. I get weirded out when my boyfriends mom hugs and kisses me on the cheek even though I know it's fine, just not used to it....But even with that, I think she takes it to the extreme. If they weren't cousins I can see her trying to date him. Her main myspace picture is a picture of her and my bf....Before she took the picture, it was her and her husband...and she sent my bf a text saying that he should make his picture the same one she had! Maybe I'm reading too much into it....but still gives me the creeps. I can see occasionally mentioning how pretty she is, but all the time and being so overprotective makes you wonder. It's like to him she is the perfect woman and I can see where you don't feel like you measure up. I doubt that he will ever cross the line.....but I understand how you feel. So she's my age then Well you're bf thinks she's wierd too, so I supose you could only laugh about it then together.... That's what I seem to be doubting a bit lately, and i hate that I feel that way... Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe he just really loves his cousine and is proud of her...? I'm the same way with my half-sister, and very over-protective, but there is nothing sexual about it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muffintop Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe he just really loves his cousine and is proud of her...? I'm the same way with my half-sister, and very over-protective, but there is nothing sexual about it at all. Like I said, I would love to feel like that was true.... but somethings just telling me there's more to it, I can help it Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Hello, I am 29, my husband is 27. We've been togethere for 5 years now, no children yet. My husband has a younger cousin who is 19, who I've become jealous of. 1, because she's pretty and slim. I am bigger thanher and self consious of my weight anyway. Both me and my husbands are friends with her on a social networking sight and my husband doesn't hold back to tell her how 'stunning' and 'beautiful' she looks. She's also quite smart, so he also phrases her for any educational achievements. I know you're thinking 'Don't be stupid, she's his cousin', but, there is no blood relation... She is adopted, and it's well know in the family. I don't know why, but it's really getting to me, I'm always looking at her pictures To be fair though, she's a very nice girl, she's not flirty or tarty or anything like that, espeially not with my husband so I can't be resentful towards her. I just don't like it the way my husband talks about her and to her at times. Am I over reacting? I think you may be over-reacting. You say the cousin is a nice girl who is not flirty or tarty. Would you feel as you do if the cousin were overweight and not as attractive but nothing else in the relationship between her and your husband was different? I am struck by the first part I bolded above. Why don't you work on taking steps to improve your own self-esteem so you will not be as threatened by those who you perceive as being prettier and slimmer? Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Uh, it's his cousin. I think you might be blowing things out of proportion, provided you don't live in Alabama. Disclaimer: The Alabama thing was a joke. Or was it? Just because it's his cousin--by adoption--doesn't mean that he cannot be sexually attracted to her. Let's be honest, incest happens ALL the time, and he may not view her as a cousin being that they were not raised together as family. I do think your husband needs to put a lid on it, by the way he keeps commenting on how "pretty" and "beautiful" she is, I'd defintely tell him that it bothered me. It seems like he has a crush on this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I think you may be over-reacting. You say the cousin is a nice girl who is not flirty or tarty. Would you feel as you do if the cousin were overweight and not as attractive but nothing else in the relationship between her and your husband was different? I am struck by the first part I bolded above. Why don't you work on taking steps to improve your own self-esteem so you will not be as threatened by those who you perceive as being prettier and slimmer? I think this woman has a reason to be legitimately threatened, and insecure. To the OP, don't let some of these posters make you sound delusional, because you are not. Everyone seems to be blinded by the fact that she is your husband's cousin by adoption--being blood related has never stopped some people from being sexually attracted to their relatives, it happens all the time. He may not even view her as a cousin the way he should. I'd defintely tell your husband that he needs to cool it with the "you're so beautiful" comments about the cousin Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I think this woman has a reason to be legitimately threatened, and insecure. To the OP, don't let some of these posters make you sound delusional, because you are not. Everyone seems to be blinded by the fact that she is your husband's cousin by adoption--being blood related has never stopped some people from being sexually attracted to their relatives, it happens all the time. He may not even view her as a cousin the way he should. I'd defintely tell your husband that he needs to cool it with the "you're so beautiful" comments about the cousin WTH? Who said anything about the OP being delusional? Don't put words in my mouth, please. I said she might be over-reacting and gave some reasonable feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 Muffintop, I'm going to say this again, you're knit-picking a problem. You're also very insecure about yourself and the minor attention that your husband is throwing his female relative. I know you want all his attention, but he's obviously very close to his cousin! Honestly, you should really consider seeking immediate counseling; if this minuscule issue is truly bothering you. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 You are not silly at all to think that. Personally it would really bug me. Even if she was blood relative cousin it is a bit inappropriate to comment on her looks constanly. I do not think that he would take same interest in this cousin if she wasn't as pretty as you say. Be a bit firmer with him on how this is bothering you. He shoul respect you enough to tone down his comments. Yes, he has a crush but most likely wouldn't cross the line. How does she respond to his FB messages? For all we know she finds his attention creepy. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 As a side note - if you are not happy with your weight, then you can work on that for yourself. Does your H have an issue with your being overweight? Could he be trying subconciously to show you what he thinks an attractive woman looks like, without saying it about "available" (meaning non-family) women, so that you notice and go on a diet? If he told you that you needed to diet in order to be more attractive to him, would that bother you? If so, he may be trying to tell you in an indirect way so that it doesn't hurt your feelings to hear that he doesn't find you as attractive as he used to.[/QUOTE] Mmm I don't think that is what he's trying to do... I am not so big myself, when I said I am bigger than his cousin, I mean I am only 2 sizers bigger. My weight to be honest isn't really the issue, so much as my H's approach to his cousin Ok. I just thought with your immediate explanation of how she is thinner than you, and you are self-consious of your weight, PLUS you call yourself muffintop (which is hardly an self-loving endearment), so I thought maybe there were a lot of self-esteem issues going on. Link to post Share on other sites
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