Notice A Pattern Here....

[soserious1]

I've noticed the inequity in that as well.

 

SS1, I just wish there was something SOMEONE could do to make things more equitable for you and your awful situation. Your ex deserves to be drawn and quartered for his treatment of you and the way he continues to suck you dry. What a bas-ard!

 

Well I'm taking some steps to address the fiscal unfairness of things but that effort might not bear fruit for a few months. In the meantime I'm just trying to gather my energy to try to get back into some sort life outside of work. Putting more focus on what I want to do going forward. Dating is out, even if I fell on the perfect person I wouldn't trust my instincts at this point and my soul, well it's just too dare raw to even try to go there again.

[soserious1]

On this forum no it is not OK to blast a BS. You keep claiming that but have yet to show proof of it. What you consider blasting is nothing.

 

Try having strangers call you a selfish POS over and over. How you are just scum for the choices you made. Then it will not be just one poster that will make the comment a whole gang of them will join in and continue the harassment.

 

Yes this forum is all about the mixing of the two sides of the fence. There is NO just BS only forum, that would be redundant since there are plenty of BS only forums other places.

 

so basically what Loveshack is saying is that WS, OM and OW are welcome here with open arms and will be protected but BS are an afterthought and if we don't like gangs of WS telling us that the affair was our fault then we should just go elsewhere ?

[soserious1]

I don't consider what I posted to you lashing out at all. None of it was done in anger or personal and I choose my words carefully as to no make it that way.

 

I deserved every harsh word and more, I've been acting like a miserable POS for months. I should be freaking grateful that I have a good job and can pay alimony and still eat.

 

I've also been not facing the hard truth... I didn't have even an opportunity to save my marriage because as you so correctly noted, my husband didn't want me.. whether he was right or wrong in his assessment of me, I've got to face the fact that he just didn't want me. A hard, hurtful fact to swallow but a fact nonetheless and one that must be looked at clearly by me without self-pity before I can heal from this. I'm not sure how I will go about processing this, what lessons I will take away from this marriage but process I must if I'm to feel better.

[pkn06002]

so basically what Loveshack is saying is that WS, OM and OW are welcome here with open arms and will be protected but BS are an afterthought and if we don't like gangs of WS telling us that the affair was our fault then we should just go elsewhere ?

 

What is interesting is the perspective here.

 

Because you talk about gangs of WS telling you it was your fault, but I never see those posts.

 

But I do see (and have experienced) threads where as WS (or myself) is ganged up on by 3 or more BS.

 

I have looked at some of your old threads and I don't see where people have attacked you.

 

Tell you what I had to look a long time before I found LS and the OW/OM forum. Because other sites do not have that type of forum, they have forum geared towards the needs of the BS. You want to see a place totally unfriendly to a WS go to marriage builders. This forum (infidelity) is pretty even.

 

What I am finding interesting is how some folks seem to say it as OK to lash out at a stranger because they are hurting. That to me is messed up thinking. Your hurting lash out at the person that caused you pain. You strangers to get a different view/opinion on the situation, but you keep it civil.

[herenow]

herenow,

 

These ventings you feel are OK are fine if it is YOUR thread, not someone else's. When someone comes here and other people jump on them and attack them a lot of times they just leave. When they leave tell me how is that supposed to be helping them? Because like it or not WS/OM/OW have emotional feelings as well that are just as valid as the pain a BS feels.

 

So it looks like we are just going to have to disagree.

 

I will add don't call me to task though if someone vents on me and I return it right back. Because I no longer will accept people attacking me for what I did.

 

Let me introduce you to the ignore function. It's for people who don't like someone's point of view or attitude and don't want to read their posts anymore. When people leave, that's their choice. They can also chose to just ignore people who they find offensive.

[soserious1]

What is interesting is the perspective here.

 

Because you talk about gangs of WS telling you it was your fault, but I never see those posts.

 

But I do see (and have experienced) threads where as WS (or myself) is ganged up on by 3 or more BS.

 

I have looked at some of your old threads and I don't see where people have attacked you.

 

Tell you what I had to look a long time before I found LS and the OW/OM forum. Because other sites do not have that type of forum, they have forum geared towards the needs of the BS. You want to see a place totally unfriendly to a WS go to marriage builders. This forum (infidelity) is pretty even.

 

What I am finding interesting is how some folks seem to say it as OK to lash out at a stranger because they are hurting. That to me is messed up thinking. Your hurting lash out at the person that caused you pain. You strangers to get a different view/opinion on the situation, but you keep it civil.

 

 

 

I've looked at some other forums Pkn, but what I need is a group of BS who have started to rebuild thru processing, looking at their part in the marriage going south, finding and taking the lessons about themselves that the marriage provided. There are a lot of really painful, personal feeling that are specific to the BS, just as WS and OM/OW have their own specific pains.

[pkn06002]

I deserved every harsh word and more, I've been acting like a miserable POS for months. I should be freaking grateful that I have a good job and can pay alimony and still eat.

 

I've also been not facing the hard truth... I didn't have even an opportunity to save my marriage because as you so correctly noted, my husband didn't want me.. whether he was right or wrong in his assessment of me, I've got to face the fact that he just didn't want me. A hard, hurtful fact to swallow but a fact nonetheless and one that must be looked at clearly by me without self-pity before I can heal from this. I'm not sure how I will go about processing this, what lessons I will take away from this marriage but process I must if I'm to feel better.

 

I did not note anything!!! Those were YOUR WORDS in your old posts.

 

Don't let his opinion of you mean a damn thing! If anything I learned from my affair that I cannot judge my feelings by how others feel about me.

 

You sound just like my mother and how she felt. Guess what she got through it and so will you. She is now WAY better off WITHOUT my dad. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. So stop the self pity it does you no good. Get out and enjoy life you have a new start forget all the definitions of the old on.

[confusedinkansas]

When my affair was first discovered I was mad as helll at everyone involved. But I didn't lash out at anyone. (Granted - I wasn't in this forum either at that time) I had plenty to be pissed about. Not only did the man I was having the affair with hack into my email & forward some emails to my husband, he then proceeded to phone & hang up, show up at my work, email me, IM me, etc. FINALLY once he got his act together & his divorce was final - only then did he back off. Try that one on for size. You are his TRUE LOVE......Until his wife leaves him for another man & then he has a melt down & doesn't want anything to do with YOU! AND...not only was that BAD in itsself - I allowed him back in my life when my husband & I separated we started communicating again. He & I would talk off & on - as soon as he got wind that I was back with my husband he was ON IT hot & heavy to see me again! When hubby & I broke off again - he retreated back to his married girlfriend. This was all rough to take. AT THE TIME!!!!(in the heat of the moment) Of course hind-site being 20/20 I realize that he is a serial cheater! And a Debbie Downer!!!

(Not sure why I felt the need to tell that story....but did anyway)

 

So, you all that were cheated ON....The pain you endured, is not a whole lot different than the pain we (the cheater) endured. Yes, I will agree.....(I can hear it coming now.....) We brought the pain on ourselves & You didn't ask for yours....I agree with that!!!

 

It's all water under the bridge now. Thank goodness my husband is a grounded unemotional soul.

No drama, No nonsense. Doesn't want to talk about or deal in the past. Not everyone is that lucky though - I realize that.

[pkn06002]

Let me introduce you to the ignore function. It's for people who don't like someone's point of view or attitude and don't want to read their posts anymore. When people leave, that's their choice. They can also chose to just ignore people who they find offensive.

 

When BS's follow that advice I am sure WS's will also.

 

It sounds like you want the drama and the nastiness.

[soserious1]

I did not note anything!!! Those were YOUR WORDS in your old posts.

 

Don't let his opinion of you mean a damn thing! If anything I learned from my affair that I cannot judge my feelings by how others feel about me.

 

You sound just like my mother and how she felt. Guess what she got through it and so will you. She is now WAY better off WITHOUT my dad. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. So stop the self pity it does you no good. Get out and enjoy life you have a new start forget all the definitions of the old on.

 

Right now I'm sitting here clear eyed, trying to explain how I feel, zero drama, zero self-pity. Meeting new people, doing the group thing has never been easy for me, even when I was young, I've always had just a few select, carefully chosen friends as opposed to being the lamp shade wearing life of the party.

 

I am in the place now where I'm really questioning my social judgment, how can I push myself out there to do something that's already quite difficult

(meeting new people) when the last person I trusted totally blew me life away? I keep thinking about what was it that I missed? what blinded me to

my ex's true charater? What was going on with me when I decided this person was worthy of my trust and loyalty?

[pkn06002]

pkn, you only have 530 posts, which tells me you've not been around long. I've seen MANY occasions where an OW will tell all of LS that the BS is at fault for the breakdown of the marriage which led to the affair. MANY times! I've also seen the same kind of crap very pointedly directed toward someone. You may not see them all now if you look, because many of the most deragatory have been removed by the mods, and rightfully so. But the damage was already done. The BS was already bashed. It's like telling a jury to disregard evidence they heard in court because an objection was sustained.

 

Oh don't even go down the number of posts comment. That is just an arrogant dismissive comment.

 

Just because I don't post does not mean I don't read threads.

 

Oh what so it is OK with the change that seems to be happening here, what BS get to have their payback?

[pkn06002]

Right now I'm sitting here clear eyed, trying to explain how I feel, zero drama, zero self-pity. Meeting new people, doing the group thing has never been easy for me, even when I was young, I've always had just a few select, carefully chosen friends as opposed to being the lamp shade wearing life of the party.

 

I am in the place now where I'm really questioning my social judgment, how can I push myself out there to do something that's already quite difficult

(meeting new people) when the last person I trusted totally blew me life away? I keep thinking about what was it that I missed? what blinded me to

my ex's true charater? What was going on with me when I decided this person was worthy of my trust and loyalty?

 

You cannot judge other people by what he did to you. Other people are not him.

 

Just go out and have a good time, don't look for anything serious. Enjoy life that is how my mom got past everything.

[soserious1]

If you did the kind of work I have for the last 20+ years, you would in no way be trying to examine yourself to figure out your sociopathic ex. They are MASTERS of trickery and deceit! They could fool the best. Don't let his assenine behavior be a reflection on you. Please.

 

no, I'm not doing that, seriously I'm trying to rationally and calmly think things over to come up with some sensible new ground rules for myself.

[soserious1]

You cannot judge other people by what he did to you. Other people are not him.

 

Just go out and have a good time, don't look for anything serious. Enjoy life that is how my mom got past everything.

 

I understand that other people aren't him... but at one time I would never in a million years dreamed that he'd be capable of being him, lol if you get my meaning.

 

I appreciate your thoughts but this is actually an area that I think other BS can be more helpful to me... getting lied to, gas lite for so long, leaves you feeling really vulnerable, not trusting your own judgment and instincts.

[pkn06002]

It's not the number of posts. That's not me being arrogant, it's just a matter of fact. Also, you've only been here since October of '08, unless you used to post under a different name, so those posts that you MAY have seen that I HAVE seen are long gone. I've been around LS for about 4 1/2 years. Many others much longer. We've seen posts that you'll NEVER see because they were deleted.

 

Why did you have to assume I was being arrogant? Maybe that's part of your marital problem - your perception of things.

 

Ah yes wanting to make it personal again. No ability to just stay on topic, you do have a habit of that.

 

Why do I consider that comment of yours arrogant, because in experience when some resorts to that type of comment that is it intention. Of look I have been here longer than you so know your place.

 

Again just because I did not join until Oct does not mean I have not visited before that. Again more of your arrogance and the know your place mentality.

 

Regardless of what happened in the past I can see what is happening now. The nastiness by BS's is increasing even in the little time I have been here. But you make it sound like that is OK since what comes around goes around right?

[pkn06002]

I understand that other people aren't him... but at one time I would never in a million years dreamed that he'd be capable of being him, lol if you get my meaning.

 

I appreciate your thoughts but this is actually an area that I think other BS can be more helpful to me... getting lied to, gas lite for so long, leaves you feeling really vulnerable, not trusting your own judgment and instincts.

 

Understand will not comment to you again.

 

Good luck

[soserious1]

Ah yes wanting to make it personal again. No ability to just stay on topic, you do have a habit of that.

 

Why do I consider that comment of yours arrogant, because in experience when some resorts to that type of comment that is it intention. Of look I have been here longer than you so know your place.

 

Again just because I did not join until Oct does not mean I have not visited before that. Again more of your arrogance and the know your place mentality.

 

Regardless of what happened in the past I can see what is happening now. The nastiness by BS's is increasing even in the little time I have been here. But you make it sound like that is OK since what comes around goes around right?

 

I need to ask you a question and I will tell you that I'm asking this out of concern, not to be hateful.

 

Do you view the BS here as an extension of your wife, safe people to convey resentment that you feel for her onto ?

 

I ask this because even though you don't use profanity or call outright names

I get a definite real feeling of simmering anger from some of your posts.

[herenow]

When BS's follow that advice I am sure WS's will also.

 

It sounds like you want the drama and the nastiness.

 

 

As far as I'm concerned everyone can say what they want and I can choose to read it or not. I and many other BS's and WS's have and are using the ignore function. And, the fact that I accept the drama and nastiness is because I don't take it personally. BTW, please show me where I have been nasty. Because if I have, maybe I owe someone an apology because I'm not meaning to be.

[soserious1]

And I'm not even a BS!

 

Did what I wrote seem arrogant to you, SS1? It just seems logical is all to figure he hadn't seen posts that had been deleted since he'd only joined in late 2008. *sigh* Oh well. What do I care what he thinks. I know what my intentions were. If he wants to take a dim view of everyone and everything, he'll make his own life MUCH more miserable than he could ever make mine by virtue of mere nasty posts on a message board.

 

I think that everybody here has more than their fair share of pain. Some are further along the path to healing than others so there are bound to be flareup's.

 

I also think the choice to stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in for fiscal reasons or because of small kids like PKN has must be like living in a special brand of hell.

[pkn06002]

I need to ask you a question and I will tell you that I'm asking this out of concern, not to be hateful.

 

Do you view the BS here as an extension of your wife, safe people to convey resentment that you feel for her onto ?

 

I ask this because even though you don't use profanity or call outright names

I get a definite real feeling of simmering anger from some of your posts.

 

Do I view BS's here as an extension of my wife, oh lord no.

 

Do I feel they are safe people to convey my resentment to, yes. Because it does get it out of my head. The BS's here are good at asking the right questions to get it out.

 

I don't directly attack people but I do vent. Some BS's take exception to my venting or answers. Then for some reason want to get very personal with me, like they know me. When they comment back questions in a tone I find aggressive I respond in kind. I am an aggressive person by nature and certain types of comments do bring that out.

 

Simmering anger to an extent I would say yes, but that is not a by product of my marriage. That deep anger is something I was exposed as a child and beat the statistics on. It something I do keep a tight control on.

 

If people discuss with me in a neutral tone I do the same back. But make it personal I will get nasty. Everyone reacts that way, it does very few people any good either. You to catch more flies with honey than vinegar my mom would say.

 

You can convey your point without resorting to personal attacks or out right nastiness.

 

Does that answer your question??? (said in a soft tone)

[pkn06002]

And I'm not even a BS!

 

Did what I wrote seem arrogant to you, SS1? It just seems logical is all to figure he hadn't seen posts that had been deleted since he'd only joined in late 2008. *sigh* Oh well. What do I care what he thinks. I know what my intentions were. If he wants to take a dim view of everyone and everything, he'll make his own life MUCH more miserable than he could ever make mine by virtue of mere nasty posts on a message board.

 

Oh yes you are. It is an acronym that can stand for a lot of things.

 

Why are you offended by the label anyway?

 

Oh again with the late 2008 comment. How about I started reading here in Feb of 07.

 

You do seem to have a preoccupation with me, why?

[pkn06002]

As far as I'm concerned everyone can say what they want and I can choose to read it or not. I and many other BS's and WS's have and are using the ignore function. And, the fact that I accept the drama and nastiness is because I don't take it personally. BTW, please show me where I have been nasty. Because if I have, maybe I owe someone an apology because I'm not meaning to be.

 

Never said you personally were nasty.

 

But you do seem to support the idea of people being that way.

 

Your opinion, I disagree with it but they we all what can you do.

[soserious1]

Do I view BS's here as an extension of my wife, oh lord no.

 

Do I feel they are safe people to convey my resentment to, yes. Because it does get it out of my head. The BS's here are good at asking the right questions to get it out.

 

I don't directly attack people but I do vent. Some BS's take exception to my venting or answers. Then for some reason want to get very personal with me, like they know me. When they comment back questions in a tone I find aggressive I respond in kind. I am an aggressive person by nature and certain types of comments do bring that out.

 

Simmering anger to an extent I would say yes, but that is not a by product of my marriage. That deep anger is something I was exposed as a child and beat the statistics on. It something I do keep a tight control on.

 

If people discuss with me in a neutral tone I do the same back. But make it personal I will get nasty. Everyone reacts that way, it does very few people any good either. You to catch more flies with honey than vinegar my mom would say.

 

You can convey your point without resorting to personal attacks or out right nastiness.

 

Does that answer your question??? (said in a soft tone)

 

 

All I'm saying is that I've seen you post about your wife and I cannot fathom living everyday with a person that you actively resent. I guess I'm trying here to offer some empathy.

[herenow]

Oh yes you are. It is an acronym that can stand for a lot of things.

 

Why are you offended by the label anyway?

 

Oh again with the late 2008 comment. How about I started reading here in Feb of 07.

 

You do seem to have a preoccupation with me, why?

 

 

Because of your charisma I'm sure! We can't stay away from you. Or, it could be more like a train wreck.

 

Why do you keep talking to us if we are all just a bunch of bitter BW's?

[herenow]

Never said you personally were nasty.

 

But you do seem to support the idea of people being that way.

 

Your opinion, I disagree with it but they we all what can you do.

 

OK, I'll agree to disagree/:cool: