Notice A Pattern Here....

[Dexter Morgan]

HEYYYY...........That's a great point.

IF you REALLY feel that way, PKN what's keeping you there?

 

money, his kid, and the gratification of seeing his wife bust her hump to appease a cheating husband that has no intentions of working on reciprocating her efforts.

[Dexter Morgan]

PKNs wife isnt captive in the marriage. She could leave if she wanted to. So? Why is it cruel for him to stay because he has other reasons for being willing to stay married. Hes simply being honest.

 

is he? You really think he came out and said, "I'm staying in this marriage for money and my kid....I'm not staying in it for you whatsoever" ??

 

You really think she is making all this effort to appease a cheater if he didn't lead her to believe that things would be better between them again if she changes?

[Dexter Morgan]

The fact that he was in affair doesnt give people the right to blast him.

 

Fair enough.

 

But that isn't the reason I "blasted" him. its his contempt for his wife, having her bust her butt to "change" to please him, the whole while he has no intentions of working on the marriage, at least not because he wants her. It was his contempt for his wife and his excuses and justifications for his affair.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

You asked if I had told her in those terms, which I have. Others have said that I am awful for staying for reasons other than love.

 

I don't think you're awful at all. I totally get it. I always value honestly in posts 'round these parts.

 

Don't you long, yearn for love, though?

 

That would drive me mental (and it has). Which is why I totally get your situation.

 

I do know of a lot of situations in which kids are happier their parents got divorced, though. It would've caused them serious problems if the parents stayed together, trust me on that one.

 

About the finances: have you looked at the impact regarding your personal situation (rather than just a general "it is bad")? Are you planning to at least get to a place where you do have that option, to leave and have the impact be less at some point?

 

Might be wise.

 

I have gone crazy in the same sort of situation. I hate to think of someone else going through that.

 

 

Bad marriage is all relative. There is no physical or verbal abuse everyone just gets along. Which may not be perfect in a lot of people eyes but is a hell of a lot better than what I grew up in.

 

For what it's worth, I understand.

 

Just know that the truth, that cutting through to what you need and who you really are has a way of landing on your doorstep nonetheless. Despite your best laid plans for sticking it out.

 

Which is why it is wise to work on the m, but at the same time know that it's a great idea, whether you stay together for the long haul or not, to streamline your life, get your financial ducks in order, all that.

 

Good luck to you. Hope this post helped, even a little!

[Dexter Morgan]

Have been over this before, I have told her. She knows why I stayed. Hide nothing. What is interesting is she thought about divorce as well until I showed her the financial impacts and the studies about divorce from low impact marriages.

 

sorry, I don't buy it. I can see her staying for the same reasons you are.

 

but you said yourself she is "changing" her ways. Why? Why would she make those changes if you both realize you are only staying in the marriage out of convenience and not for each other? Whats the point?

 

If what you say is true, I think she realizes that nothing she could do will keep you from boning someone else, or that you won't leave the marriage anyway because of "money" and your kid.

 

So why is she busting her hump to change for you then?

 

 

I will say I always find it interesting how the people here respond to the truth from a WS. Very interesting and shows how most of you just want to hear from the choir. You really don't want different opinions, why is that?

 

Oh, the truth from alot of WS's don't always incite that much loathing.

 

but in your case its quite different. Your contempt for your wife, your justification and excuse for your affair and so on.

 

Truth is, I believe, that your wife may realize you have alterior motives for staying in the marriage, but i also believe she wouldn't be making this effort at change if she thought that you weren't staying in the marriage for her.

[pkn06002]

Nice avoidance of my answer to your question. Guess I made a little too much sense.

 

Avoidance??? I suggested a whole thread by itself. How is that avoidance?

You know I notice you never start threads, you just jump into others. Why not start one? You have a good topic for it.

 

People do get snowballed into thinking they are with a great person. I'll agree, I failed in that department. But I was the only one in the marriage that knew what marriage was about and knew what it took to be true to that marriage.

 

And if you think you hurt me by trying to say I failed in marriage...nice try my brutha. I left the marriage with dignity. I wasn't a cheater for one.

 

Cheater no, just someone that is very poor at picking a partner that will not cheat. For all of my failings I have never been cheated on. I guess I am just better at keeping my partners happy than you are.

 

 

So? Uh...ahem. You said things have changed. you trying to lead us to believe that your wife's efforts are not in vain. You just proved by answering "so??" to the statement that you only want to stay in this for money, that my point is all too on target.

 

You said I just don't want to loose my money. That's true. What is wrong with that? That is one of my reasons. I like having cash and like my lifestyle? Sounds like you are just a tad bit jealous.

 

you said you were changing your state of mind with regards to treating your wife like a puppet who deserves your contempt.......so???

 

I have never treated her as a puppet. I have always treated her nice and caring, she is free to leave anytime she wants. Yes I cheated on her and hurt her feelings, I felt I had my reasons. You don't agree, I don't care.

 

You know I think I am starting to figure you out Dexter.

 

1) Bitter that you failed to recover your marriage where other BS's seem capable of doing so. Even if they are not calling the tune.

 

2) You feel like you never got your due with getting even with your ex. By the way you justify BS's being nasty to every WS's they find I see that. What she would not put up with you (oh how did you put that in the other thread) brow beating her? Stood up to you a bit too much did she?

[confusedinkansas]

A lot of marriages stay together out of CONVENIENCE! More than any of us know. So why bust PKN's balls Dex.

 

I'd almost bet most of our grandparents & great grandparents stayed together out of convenience. It's easier! And with today's VERY HARD economic times - it happens!

 

If they have both agreed that they stay - EVEN if he chooses to not do much work, isn't it her choice if she wants to change for him?

 

PKN- I'm trying to keep up here - & I read some past posts - BUT...Did you AND your wife both have affairs?

 

Dex: Did YOU or your wife have an affair?

 

You two sure do go at it...It's rather entertaining.

[pkn06002]

PKN- I'm trying to keep up here - & I read some past posts - BUT...Did you AND your wife both have affairs?

 

You two sure do go at it...It's rather entertaining.

 

I had the affair, you can see my old posts for all the details.

 

If you think it is entertaining for you, I get a big kick out of Dexter. He gets the same answers every time but keeps on asking, like something is going to change.

[Dexter Morgan]

Cheater no, just someone that is very poor at picking a partner that will not cheat. For all of my failings I have never been cheated on. I guess I am just better at keeping my partners happy than you are.

 

Nice try pumpkin.

 

 

You said I just don't want to loose my money. That's true. What is wrong with that? That is one of my reasons. I like having cash and like my lifestyle? Sounds like you are just a tad bit jealous.

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to "lose" your money, as long as another reason you want to stay married is that you really want your wife.

 

I decided money wasn't that important to me. I wasn't going to stay with a cheater.

 

 

I have never treated her as a puppet.

 

Unless you came right out and said, "I'm not staying in this marriage for you", then yes....you are...otherwise, why else is she changing?....for you? don't think so.

 

 

I have always treated her nice and caring, she is free to leave anytime she wants. Yes I cheated on her and hurt her feelings, I felt I had my reasons. You don't agree, I don't care.

 

Well THATS all too obvious.

 

 

You know I think I am starting to figure you out Dexter.

 

1) Bitter that you failed to recover your marriage where other BS's seem capable of doing so. Even if they are not calling the tune.

 

Well so far your analytical skills are severely lacking. I didn't want to recover a marriage to a cheater. What is in it for me? I "recover" a marriage....but I'm still married to a cheater.

 

She wanted to work on it...I had no interest. I wasn't about to wake up every day for the rest of my life and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead.

 

I could have "recovered" it.....I could have done as you have done and just put on a content face and lived my life in a facade of a marriage.

 

Sorry, I only have one life to live, and I'm going to live it either with several women over the rest of my life, or finally finding one worth a crap. either way, I am free from her.

 

 

2) You feel like you never got your due with getting even with your ex.

 

huh? getting even with her was divorcing her. and even though I don't see it as revenge, she is seeing what she lost now that the man she was messing around with behind my back has blackened her eye.

 

 

By the way you justify BS's being nasty to every WS's they find I see that.

 

I advocate BS's leaving their betrayers. If that is nasty, then so be it.

 

For the BS's that stay and are angry, I advocate them letting their feelings be known...I advocate them letting their anger be known. Nothing nasty about that.

 

 

What she would not put up with you (oh how did you put that in the other thread) brow beating her?

 

Uh, again, your analytical skills are for crap. I divorced her.

 

 

Stood up to you a bit too much did she?

 

Whats to stand up to? She was the cheater. She didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

What was she going to say, "I'm not a cheater"..LMFAO.

 

Again, I left her rather than waste my time saying much of anything to her.

 

do try again:)

[Dexter Morgan]

A lot of marriages stay together out of CONVENIENCE! More than any of us know. So why bust PKN's balls Dex.

 

Apparantly you haven't read his story much. If both of them wanted a marriage for convenience only, then hey....no problemo!

 

But she is changing her ways because of his cheating. thats not wanting a marriage out of convenience. If both of them wanted that, she wouldn't be changing to please her cheater. Only reason to change for a cheater is to try to get a relationship back with them.

 

Thats not a marriage out of convenience. For him maybe, but its obvious she thinks something more will come out of it.

 

 

I'd almost bet most of our grandparents & great grandparents stayed together out of convenience. It's easier! And with today's VERY HARD economic times - it happens!

 

Hey, if people want to waste what little life they have to save a little money....have at it. I refuse to live the rest of my life in misery.

 

 

If they have both agreed that they stay - EVEN if he chooses to not do much work, isn't it her choice if she wants to change for him?

 

Again, put your thinking cap on. If she is changing FOR HIM, then its more than just for a marriage out of convenience.

 

I think he gaslighted the hell out of her and although she may realize that money and the child are just but a couple of the reasons he is staying, I highly doubt he said, "i'm not staying in this marriage for you". Cuz if she understood that, there would be no incentive to change.

 

 

Dex: Did YOU or your wife have an affair?

 

She did.....I was faithful. And since I will not be married to someone unfaithful, she was history.

 

You two sure do go at it...It's rather entertaining.

 

Ya, hurt and betrayal are highly entertaining to SOME people.

[pkn06002]

Wow Dexter finally getting some truth out of you. Now we are making progress and getting to know you.

 

My guesses were off, humm that is a bummer but oh well. Worth a try. I am just trying to figure out why you are so filled with anger. It is distressing how you have not really moved on from the anger stage in two years. You must've really loved your exWife.

 

Now lets look at your view of recovery. Can't this "love" you support so much carry you through? The anger you carry shows you cared so why not give love a chance?

 

Nothing nasty about supporting people calling others names etc??? Just venting huh? Tell you what I grew up in a home like that, lots of damage gets done by what you support. To the point where I can't deal with people arguing now in loud tones.

 

Oh and again I HAVE told my wife I stayed for our child, not her. You think that answer is going to change the more you comment on it???

[confusedinkansas]

I don't mean the pain either of you have gone thru is entertaining. What I mean is that this banter back & forth that the two of you have ..... that's what is entertaining.

You're like a couple of high school kids. I have a feeling if the bell rang you two would be wrestling in the hallway before the next class

 

I am trying to keep up....Because I am learning from this. But since you two have been going at it for some time now, I have tried to find other posts to "keep up"....It's challenging.

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow Dexter finally getting some truth out of you.

 

?? when have i not been truthful?

 

 

My guesses were off, humm that is a bummer but oh well. Worth a try. I am just trying to figure out why you are so filled with anger. It is distressing how you have not really moved on from the anger stage in two years.

 

Not angry, just highly annoyed at people that could care less about the pain they cause.

 

 

You must've really loved your exWife.

 

Sure, until I realized I was played for a fool. Her cheating quickly diminished any love I had for her.

 

 

Now lets look at your view of recovery. Can't this "love" you support so much carry you through?

 

through hard times in general?...yes. In sickness, yes.

 

through cheating? no.

 

 

The anger you carry shows you cared so why not give love a chance?

 

Because I don't love someone that would betray me in such a way.

She didn't deserve a chance. And even if she did deserve a "chance", which no cheater does, that wouldn't have changed the fact that i'd have to live with what she did for the rest of my life.

 

aint happenin'....I'm not living with that.

 

 

Nothing nasty about supporting people calling others names etc???

 

when have I supported calling someone else names? If you are referring to calling people cheaters...sorry, thats a proper description of who they are. Never have I told anyone to go call their SO, cheater or not, a "wh0re", for example. I have called them that myself, but never supported calling their so-called SO that.

 

Whats the purpose? If said person decided to stay with them, there is no good to come out of it.

 

 

Tell you what I grew up in a home like that, lots of damage gets done by what you support.

 

Well tell you what, tell me what I support, show me where I said it, then we can discuss it.

 

What I "support" is leaving cheaters.

 

 

Oh and again I HAVE told my wife I stayed for our child, not her. You think that answer is going to change the more you comment on it???

 

I don't think so. If you did, there is no reason for her to "change". You might have said that you are staying for your child, but I don't believe you told her that you are not staying in the marriage for her. Because like I said, if you had...she wouldn't be busting her hump to appease you.

[pkn06002]

I don't mean the pain either of you have gone thru is entertaining. What I mean is that this banter back & forth that the two of you have ..... that's what is entertaining.

You're like a couple of high school kids. I have a feeling if the bell rang you two would be wrestling in the hallway before the next class

 

I am trying to keep up....Because I am learning from this. But since you two have been going at it for some time now, I have tried to find other posts to "keep up"....It's challenging.

 

Oh it is easy

 

Dexter does not like me because I am not the remorseful WS that sucks back up to their BS.

 

Dexter does not like any BS that stays with a WS, especially those that say with a WS like me.

 

Pretty easy story in a nut shell.

 

For me Dexter is entertainment, a way to kill time when I need a distraction from what I am doing.

[confusedinkansas]

Thats not a marriage out of convenience. For him maybe, but its obvious she thinks something more will come out of it.

 

Hey, if people want to waste what little life they have to save a little money....have at it. I refuse to live the rest of my life in misery.

 

Dex. You do seem VERY angry here.

 

So what if people want to "Waste" what little life they have. Maybe she doesn't see it as a waste. MAYBE she is hoping things will be better...get better! Maybe?

And, IF after the child is grown & the finances are in order THEN & only then would I say he's being an @ss about it.

 

I was the cheater in our marriage & I do expect my husband to change. He Fu*Kd up too! Not by having an affair - but by other things. So, You Betcha!!! He needs to change too! And he's working on it & so am I.

(Group effort)....I guess I see that as the fair way. Maybe PKN's way isn't what we see as fair.......But if it works for them! Then it works for them!

Everyone's different. IF he's gaslighting her....& she knows it, why isn't she posting here?

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh it is easy

 

Dexter does not like me because I am not the remorseful WS that sucks back up to their BS.

 

Well, thats partially true. what I don't like is your contempt for your wife.

I remember when you said the pain she felt because you cheated on her was not your problem.

 

Man I feel for her in the worst way.

 

Dexter does not like any BS that stays with a WS, especially those that say with a WS like me.

 

Now you are just flat out lying. My sympathies will ALWAYS lie with a BS.

I like them just fine, just think they are a little misguided.

 

quit lying. I know that is going to be a stretch for you, but at least try.

[pkn06002]

Dexter in this thread here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=188358&page=3

 

You take all about how the WS should just tolerate being brow beaten (your words). Since they deserve it, let alone in that thread for 10 months.

 

You are not stupid enough to post phrases or words to call someone.

 

My wife seems to want to change to get me to "love her" again, because at one time I did. That is her choice not mine. I don't encourage it or reject it. Would've been better 4.5 years ago though, when my feelings were still there.

 

Well I am tired for the same conversation with you Dexter that we always have. So I am done talking to you for today.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex. You do seem VERY angry here.

 

So what if people want to "Waste" what little life they have. Maybe she doesn't see it as a waste. MAYBE she is hoping things will be better...get better! Maybe?

 

According to him, he told her that he isn't staying in the marriage for her. So why would she bust her hump to please him? Especially when he isn't reciprocating her efforts and has already stated he has no interest in doing so. It his way or the highway. He doesn't care to have a relationship with her.

 

 

And, IF after the child is grown & the finances are in order THEN & only then would I say he's being an @ss about it.

 

With his mindset, why would he stay with her after his child is grown? I can see him divorcing her after the child is out of college or high school. Only one thing stopping him....having to split the marital assets down the middle and give that damn wife 1/2!!!

 

and no, what i just said above isn't anger...its an illustration of his mindset.

 

 

I was the cheater in our marriage & I do expect my husband to change. He Fu*Kd up too! Not by having an affair - but by other things. So, You Betcha!!! He needs to change too! And he's working on it & so am I.

 

I never said a BS doesn't have a role to play in helping the marriage stay afloat if both parties agree to work on it. Although I believe the greater burden of effort lies with you...difference is..with pkn, he wants to make no effort and thinks he shouldn't have to make any.

 

 

(Group effort)....I guess I see that as the fair way. Maybe PKN's way isn't what we see as fair.......But if it works for them! Then it works for them!

 

Its a facade if she doesn't really know what is going on and has no idea he doesn't want her. I put forth the idea that if he doesn't want her, and he flat out told her that, she wouldn't be busting her ass to change.

 

Everyone's different. IF he's gaslighting her....& she knows it, why isn't she posting here?

 

Good question..pkn...care to get your wife here? I'd love to hear her side of it assuming it IS her and not pkn posing as her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter in this thread here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=188358&page=3

 

You take all about how the WS should just tolerate being brow beaten (your words). Since they deserve it, let alone in that thread for 10 months.

 

Nice try again. I said in that thread that they expect the BS to simply tolerate their cheating and continue to tolerate a WS that is in contact with their affair partner, but that his wife saw it unfair for her to tolerate any consequences of her actions.

 

never in it did I say he should call her names and berate her.

 

Again, nice try.

 

 

My wife seems to want to change to get me to "love her" again, because at one time I did. That is her choice not mine.

 

if you flat out told her you didn't want the marriage for her, I doubt she is doing what you say out of hope. That is, unless you gaslighted her big time.

 

 

I don't encourage it or reject it.

 

then whats the point of her trying?

 

 

Well I am tired for the same conversation with you Dexter that we always have. So I am done talking to you for today.

 

works for me:)

[pkn06002]

I have addressed this in the past and on other forums. My wife will not post, she does not like computer forums. She finds putting your personal story on the internet not something she cares for.

 

So sorry you are not going to get her side. Your stuck with my side only.

 

Oh and Dexter what you posted about when the child is grown is my correct thought process right now. Right now my responsibility is my child not my wife. In 10 years we will see what happens.

 

confusedinkansas you can go back on my old threads and read why I am not putting in more effort. In a nut shell been there done that and watched it go no where, so why do it again?

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh and Dexter what you posted about when the child is grown is my correct thought process right now. Right now my responsibility is my child not my wife. In 10 years we will see what happens.

 

confusedinkansas you can go back on my old threads and read why I am not putting in more effort. In a nut shell been there done that and watched it go no where, so why do it again?

 

there you have it confusedinkansas! I rest my case.

[White Flower]

Just a suggestion,

 

I would LOVE to read the posts around here, but they are just too long! Didn't your English profs ever tell you to keep your papers short and to the point? Digression leads to boredom, so please make your point and move on. Lately, when I come to LS, I just skip past the long-winded posts. Just an observation. I really would like to get to know some of you, but when it looks like I've stumbled upon an argument I just slowly back out of the room.

[bentnotbroken]

Just a suggestion,

 

I would LOVE to read the posts around here, but they are just too long! Didn't your English profs ever tell you to keep your papers short and to the point? Digression leads to boredom, so please make your point and move on. Lately, when I come to LS, I just skip past the long-winded posts. Just an observation. I really would like to get to know some of you, but when it looks like I've stumbled upon an argument I just slowly back out of the room.

 

 

Don't slowly back out...run:lmao:. I am learning to stay out of the cross fire. Unless I'm doing the firing.

[Scorpio13c]

Just a suggestion,

 

I would LOVE to read the posts around here, but they are just too long! Didn't your English profs ever tell you to keep your papers short and to the point? Digression leads to boredom, so please make your point and move on. Lately, when I come to LS, I just skip past the long-winded posts. Just an observation. I really would like to get to know some of you, but when it looks like I've stumbled upon an argument I just slowly back out of the room.

 

Party Pooper

[Scorpio13c]

Dex,

I wholeheartedly agree with you, perhaps Pkn. would sing another tune if his role were reversed with his wife's?