Notice A Pattern Here....

[Untouchable_Fire]

He has a lot of good traits to him. What I said in this thread about him - I also said was water under the bridge. Past Tense.

 

I will take your word for it.

 

If it is all water under the bridge... why are you here talking about it?

[confusedinkansas]

I will take your word for it.

 

If it is all water under the bridge... why are you here talking about it?

 

 

LOL....This thread wasn't started for this purpose. If you'll read - it has bounced all over the place. The title is NOTICE A PATTERN...& you dear, proved my point.

[Dexter Morgan]

Walked all over? How do you figure that?

 

because you answered my comment that IF he did NOT cheat himself, then he'd be whacked in the head for being so understanding of your affair...again, IF he did NOT cheat himself.

 

Then you said "can't there just be nice guys out there" that would simply forgive?

 

To which I responded that you'd have proven that nice guys get walked all over....hence..your cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL....This thread wasn't started for this purpose. If you'll read - it has bounced all over the place. The title is NOTICE A PATTERN...& you dear, proved my point.

 

well I think you knew exactly what would happen when you started this thread, hence you are getting the reactions you hoped for.

[Untouchable_Fire]

See Reggie - that's why I started this particular thread in the first place. Because there are people that do ask those kinds of questions. And then it turns into an ugly back & forth bantering session. UGLY being the operative word.

You didn't do that.

It WAS his choice, just like it was mine. He chose to deal the way he chose to & visa versa.

 

Sorry Reggie..........This was meant for Untouchable_fire

 

Yeah... you started this thread just for me. Because I responded to one of your threads 4 months ago....

 

Bottom line... how people respond to you relates to your attitude as much as what you did. That is how these forums work, and often life in general.

[Untouchable_Fire]

LOL....This thread wasn't started for this purpose. If you'll read - it has bounced all over the place. The title is NOTICE A PATTERN...& you dear, proved my point.

 

I knew I was proving your point to a certain degree, when I made that post.

 

It has bounced all over the place.

 

I don't think your wrong about the pattern itself... I think you have drawn the wrong conclusions from it.

[confusedinkansas]

because you answered my comment that IF he did NOT cheat himself, then he'd be whacked in the head for being so understanding of your affair...again, IF he did NOT cheat himself.

Then you said "can't there just be nice guys out there" that would simply forgive?

To which I responded that you'd have proven that nice guys get walked all over....hence..your cheating.

 

Re-Read what I typed Dex.....

I said {{Oh Poo Dex.....Can't there just be NICE guys out there just for the sake of being a nice guy?}}

As for nice guys getting walked on..... I have said many times, my affair wasn't about Him. It was about Me. At the time I couldn't have cared less what he wanted & nor could he have cared what I wanted or needed. It was a moment in time - many moons ago in a galaxy far far away.

 

No Untouch - I didn't start this thread just for you. I was curious why every time there is a topic of discussion in LS someone has to come into a thread & bash people, be ugly, be judgemental.

 

That was the reason I started it in the first place. It just took a very interesting turn....That's all. It happens

 

It does surprise me though -How is it that you guys can't move on past what happened to you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Re-Read what I typed Dex.....

I said {{Oh Poo Dex.....Can't there just be NICE guys out there just for the sake of being a nice guy?}}

 

don't need to re-read it. You said that in response to my comment below

 

If he hadn't had an affair, yes....I'd say he's whacked in the head.

 

In other words, you insinuated that if he didn't cheat, he could have forgiven you simply out of being a nice guy.

 

 

As for nice guys getting walked on..... I have said many times, my affair wasn't about Him. It was about Me.

 

it doesn't matter, you betrayed HIM...whether you want to believe it or not, when you f##k someone else, you WALK all over your significant other.

[Dexter Morgan]

How is it that you guys can't move on past what happened to you?

 

I've moved way past it. What she did no longer bothers me since she is now insignificant to me. I came to the site during the turmoil....I decided to stay.

 

Just because somebody has moved past what their X did to them, doesn't mean they can't call someone out on despicable behavior.

 

Its like nobody ever murdered a loved one of mine, but it disgusts me just the same.

[tami-chan]

oh really?

 

 

 

then what was that obvious lie about? I will ALWAYS support a BS....its certain ideas I won't support.

 

Then I must have missed your post where you supported a BS taking back or giving a WS a chance.

 

There is a difference in those statements, you know.

 

"Supportng a BS" is different from "Supporting a BS who decides to stay in the marriage and take the WS a chance:...

[soserious1]

Then I must have missed your post where you supported a BS taking back or giving a WS a chance.

 

There is a difference in those statements, you know.

 

"Supportng a BS" is different from "Supporting a BS who decides to stay in the marriage and take the WS a chance:...

 

I'm not going to sit around and call a BS names if they decide to try to rescue the marriage. I will worry for them though and will question them as to if this is a well thought out choice. Sometimes love is not enough to fix things, if it were WS wouldn't have cheated to begin with would they? I think a lot depends on the length of the affair and the amout of lying/gas lighting that went on as well as how bad things were at home during this time. Some WS become extra nice to BS during an affair, other become downright nasty, verbally/emotionally/fiscally abusive.

 

People talk about the months/years of hard work needed to recover such a marriage and even in best case situations there are still scars. To my mind mind, if I've got to go to IC and MC and struggle thru a mountain of pain, somehow, just calling it a day and using my energy to heal and move on maybe to meet somebody new seems a much better bet than recommitting to somebody who's proven that he/she is capable of throwing me under the bus.

 

While I can wish a BS luck with their choice to try to stay in the marriage, I cannot in good faith sit here and congratukate them on making such a large bet because the odds of the marriage working out, of history not repeating itself aren't good imho. YMMV.

[NoIDidn't]

See............& now you're all back to slinging dirt at each other.

I suppose it's inevitable here.

 

Yeah, but I kind of agree with Dexter's points, just not with the back and forth. PKN did say that he didn't care what his W did, he's not staying married for her but for money and for their kid.

 

That's not cool.

[Reggie]

I'm not going to sit around and call a BS names if they decide to try to rescue the marriage. I will worry for them though and will question them as to if this is a well thought out choice. Sometimes love is not enough to fix things, if it were WS wouldn't have cheated to begin with would they? I think a lot depends on the length of the affair and the amout of lying/gas lighting that went on as well as how bad things were at home during this time. Some WS become extra nice to BS during an affair, other become downright nasty, verbally/emotionally/fiscally abusive.

 

People talk about the months/years of hard work needed to recover such a marriage and even in best case situations there are still scars. To my mind mind, if I've got to go to IC and MC and struggle thru a mountain of pain, somehow, just calling it a day and using my energy to heal and move on maybe to meet somebody new seems a much better bet than recommitting to somebody who's proven that he/she is capable of throwing me under the bus.

 

While I can wish a BS luck with their choice to try to stay in the marriage, I cannot in good faith sit here and congratukate them on making such a large bet because the odds of the marriage working out, of history not repeating itself aren't good imho. YMMV.

 

I agree, the odds are badly stacked against recovery and simply congratulating or encouraging a BS with an unremorseful WS who simply elects to stay without doing the hard work is not support, IMO. Questioning the wisdom of sticking with such a WS is valid support.

[tami-chan]

I'm not going to sit around and call a BS names if they decide to try to rescue the marriage. I will worry for them though and will question them as to if this is a well thought out choice. Sometimes love is not enough to fix things, if it were WS wouldn't have cheated to begin with would they? I think a lot depends on the length of the affair and the amout of lying/gas lighting that went on as well as how bad things were at home during this time. Some WS become extra nice to BS during an affair, other become downright nasty, verbally/emotionally/fiscally abusive.

 

People talk about the months/years of hard work needed to recover such a marriage and even in best case situations there are still scars. To my mind mind, if I've got to go to IC and MC and struggle thru a mountain of pain, somehow, just calling it a day and using my energy to heal and move on maybe to meet somebody new seems a much better bet than recommitting to somebody who's proven that he/she is capable of throwing me under the bus.

 

While I can wish a BS luck with their choice to try to stay in the marriage, I cannot in good faith sit here and congratukate them on making such a large bet because the odds of the marriage working out, of history not repeating itself aren't good imho. YMMV.

 

Soserious, I respect that. Ultimately, the only thing people can do here is voice their opinions and posters can take whatever works for them.

 

I am not criticizing Dexter Morgan for advocating divorce when there is cheating. I just thought it was odd that he would have an input on who gets to work harder when a BS & a WS decide to save their marriage. I mean, if he does not believe in saving a marriage after adultery, why would he care? I think that for him the whys, how comes and other questions related to the adultery having been committed are of no importance. The only thing that matters is that somebody cheated in the marriage and the answer is divorce. Which is fine, I respect his stance, too.

[tami-chan]

What a great guy. You really have yourself a winner there. Good thing you cheated on him... otherwise he may have never changed.

 

 

 

That's because he is 1. Spineless, 2. a Loser, and 3. Your the Best he can hope for. He isn't whacked in the head... just pathetic.

 

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little). I do not understand the angst about it really. Once you make a decision, whatever it is....sheesh live with it, be ok with it! dontyathink?

[tami-chan]

Yeah... you started this thread just for me. Because I responded to one of your threads 4 months ago...

 

confusedinkansas! I thought you started this thread for me???????? What in the world??? Do you not remember what I posted on your thread..er..months ago? I am really insulted by this. I, too, have delusions of grandeur.

[confusedinkansas]

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little). I do not understand the angst about it really. Once you make a decision, whatever it is....sheesh live with it, be ok with it! dontyathink?

 

OMG - I have thought this for a very long time.

Applause...Applause....Applause

[angie2443]

People talk about the months/years of hard work needed to recover such a marriage and even in best case situations there are still scars. To my mind mind, if I've got to go to IC and MC and struggle thru a mountain of pain, somehow, just calling it a day and using my energy to heal and move on maybe to meet somebody new seems a much better bet than recommitting to somebody who's proven that he/she is capable of throwing me under the bus

.

 

I stayed with my husband after his EA. We are doing good.

 

I still agree with soserious, though. If I had not had children, and if I had known the pain and work it would take to recover from the EA, I would have left my husband and never looked back.

[jwi71]

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little). I do not understand the angst about it really. Once you make a decision, whatever it is....sheesh live with it, be ok with it! dontyathink?

 

It hurts.

 

Its very much like having a close family member murdered. Both events, a murdered loved one and betrayal, cause deep emotional scars. It is this toxic soup of anger, bitterness, pain, regret, loss...it forever alters the survivors.

 

In fact, when my stbxw cheated on me and I lost EVERYTHING (literally everything) I was treated for PTSD. And it hurt. I was angry and bitter and sad and bewildered and just about everything else under the sun.

 

Give them time and patience. Their lives as they knew it were stolen from them. It takes time. Let them grieve the loss of their life.

 

I worked through it. I let go of it. And its hard. REALLY hard.

[soserious1]

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little). I do not understand the angst about it really. Once you make a decision, whatever it is....sheesh live with it, be ok with it! dontyathink?

 

 

A similar question could be asked to WS and BS who are in recovery.. if post D Day life is so good, so much better than the marriage was before, why the need to be here?

 

I cannot speak for all BS, what I can say from my own life is that not all WS make their

exits in an honest, straight forward way, they don't immediately come clean on D Day even, the truth often needs to literally be dragged out of them. The whole thing felt surreal to me, months of living with someone who was an expert at blame shifting and history revisions left

me reeling.

 

Do I expect to be stomping my feet and pissing and moaning in 5 yrs.. god I hope not. However, taking time to really process out a life situation in which you were emotionally and fiscally destroyed, fully taking in the lessons of that experience is essential to avoid having a repeat of that experience , IMHO.

 

As to whether or not a marriage is "worth" saving, of course I cannot decide that for anybody but myself.. I have no problem though pointing out that even in situations where recovery appears to be going well, BS still report having periods of anxiety, that though they may indeed have forgiven a WS that they still face situations that trigger memories of the affair and their

betrayal even years later.. and that after a time the BS is expected to cope with those feeling internally, on their own and not trouble the WS or anybody else with those feelings.

 

The sense I get is that best case outcome for a marriage post affair is a bittersweet kind of life, tinged with a lot of regret and occasional bouts of anxiety, distrust. I cannot in good faith advise people new to this whole mess that such outcome is the best investment of years of their time and energy.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then I must have missed your post where you supported a BS taking back or giving a WS a chance.

 

There is a difference in those statements, you know.

 

"Supportng a BS" is different from "Supporting a BS who decides to stay in the marriage and take the WS a chance:...

 

Again, I don't condemn any BS for staying. I support them, I just don't support the IDEA of keeping someone not worthy of keeping.

 

Even if a BS wants to take back a WS or has taken them back, I still support them, I just don't agree with their decision.

 

There is a difference........you know.

[Dexter Morgan]

While I can wish a BS luck with their choice to try to stay in the marriage, I cannot in good faith sit here and congratukate them on making such a large bet because the odds of the marriage working out, of history not repeating itself aren't good imho. YMMV.

 

exactly!!!!!! well said. If a BS decides to take back a cheater, I wish them the best, I just won't change my view, reverse myself, and tell them they are doing the right thing. That is up to them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Soserious, I respect that. Ultimately, the only thing people can do here is voice their opinions and posters can take whatever works for them.

 

Well then go ahead and say it...tell soserious that she never supports a BS that takes back a cheater. I'll wait:o

 

 

I am not criticizing Dexter Morgan for advocating divorce when there is cheating. I just thought it was odd that he would have an input on who gets to work harder when a BS & a WS decide to save their marriage. I mean, if he does not believe in saving a marriage after adultery, why would he care?

 

because I'm not the one that made that decision. If a BS makes the decision to stay with a cheater, THEN the WS has amends to make.

 

Again, if a BS keeps a cheater, then I support them with other suggestions. Just because they didn't take the path I would have doesn't mean I can't let them know the ball is in their court for a while.

 

 

I think that for him the whys, how comes and other questions related to the adultery having been committed are of no importance. The only thing that matters is that somebody cheated in the marriage and the answer is divorce. Which is fine, I respect his stance, too.

 

no you don't

[Dexter Morgan]

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

If you are referring to me, I don't whine about my X. I use my experience as an example. She no longer is significant to me.

 

But my experience is relevant to discussion.

 

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little).

 

well...there you have it.

[bentnotbroken]

so what do you call those people who have left their WS but still whine about it here, still angry, still...er...bitter? Still talk about their WS cheating as if it happened yesterday? come to find out it has been many months, some even years?

 

I do not think they are spineless or losers or pathetic ( ok, they are a little pathetic,I think, just a little). I do not understand the angst about it really. Once you make a decision, whatever it is....sheesh live with it, be ok with it! dontyathink?

 

 

 

Most professionals will tell you it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to get over infidelity and divorce. Depending on the emotion invested on the relationship. What a few people tend to forget, the infidelity(act of sex) is the least of the things the betrayals. The lying, gas lighting, the length and depth that some A encompass. Some include covering by family, people you thought were friends, and sometimes the children.

 

There is the thought that a person you loved and cared for would expose you to potentially deadly diseases. Even if they aren't in love with the BS anymore, why would you want them to die. Some and I do stress some actually contract a STD. That's the potential of sex without protection and multiply partners. And then you wonder how could the person I thought I knew would do something to me, that I would never do consider doing to you.

 

For some BS there is the financial aspect. How could a person you brought children into this world with, walk out on those kids(and you) without looking back. They have to fight for the support that is deserved. Some lose health care, their homes, their kids lose stability. Not all WS remain in the kids lives and some actually fight not to pay support.

 

There is the loss of emotionally support. Mr. Messy was cheating during the time of my father's illness and death. He didn't have time to go the hospital with me and the kids, but he did find time to be out with the OW while we were sitting in ICU waiting room waiting for the next visiting hour. The children if they are of age, now wonder who is the parent they thought they knew. My oldest anger was almost unmanageable in the beginning. I got help for him, but he was so hurt that the man he thought was his father, didn't really exist. He also wondered if he would turn out the same way.

 

There are so many aspects to deal with, to repair, to heal, that it takes time to deal with each level. Time to come to terms with the new sitiuation, the new life that lays in front. Fear is a powerful tool for moving forward, but it can become an albatross around the neck. Fear and frustration can lead to anger. The term bitter is tossed around so much that people can't seem to see the pain that the so called bitterness masks.