Notice A Pattern Here....

[Reggie]

Agree with Bent. It is a very traumatic expierience involving all types of betrayals that turn your worl upside down. 2-5 years is often cited as a normal healing period. So, months(clearly) and years is a very normal time for getting past it. Getting support from others who have dealt with this is helpful.

[tami-chan]

Again, I don't condemn any BS for staying. I support them, I just don't support the IDEA of keeping someone not worthy of keeping.

 

Even if a BS wants to take back a WS or has taken them back, I still support them, I just don't agree with their decision.

 

There is a difference........you know.

 

 

How do you support them if what they are doing is against what you believe in? Maybe you do not condemn them....but support? Ok...if you say so.

[tami-chan]

It hurts.

 

Its very much like having a close family member murdered. Both events, a murdered loved one and betrayal, cause deep emotional scars. It is this toxic soup of anger, bitterness, pain, regret, loss...it forever alters the survivors.

 

In fact, when my stbxw cheated on me and I lost EVERYTHING (literally everything) I was treated for PTSD. And it hurt. I was angry and bitter and sad and bewildered and just about everything else under the sun.

 

Give them time and patience. Their lives as they knew it were stolen from them. It takes time. Let them grieve the loss of their life.

 

I worked through it. I let go of it. And its hard. REALLY hard.

 

 

Jwi71, I really do understand this and I apologize if I somehow hurt you. I was throwing it back to Untouchable Fire, because what he/she was saying to CiK about her husband is out of line. And NO ONE posted to tell him/her she/she (UF) was out of line. It is not okay regardless of what people believe in or their personal expereinces. That is just not ok to do that to another poster who together with her SO have decided to work on their marriage. The problem is, many of the BSs who have left their marriages accept that kind of crappy rhetoric, until it is thrown back at them.

 

Obviously, grieving and hurting is not equivalent to being spineless, loser and pathetic. But fighting to save one's marriage is not either, especially if both are committed to do so. That was my point.

[tami-chan]

A similar question could be asked to WS and BS who are in recovery.. if post D Day life is so good, so much better than the marriage was before, why the need to be here?

 

Many have said they have "recovered" and yet, they are still here. I do not know the answer to that. Frankly, I do not care. It's an open forum. I didn't think I needed to fix something about myself or my marriage-I mean, sure it's not conventional but who cares? But it was very interesting to read about people's stories, and pretty soon, I start looking into my own...especially when you "meet" really wonderful people ( who are from the other side of the spectrum) that negate the existence of those who are not so wonderful..this site can be addictive....healed or not...

[jwi71]

Jwi71, I really do understand this and I apologize if I somehow hurt you. I was throwing it back to Untouchable Fire, because what he/she was saying to CiK about her husband is out of line. And NO ONE posted to tell him/her she/she (UF) was out of line. It is not okay regardless of what people believe in or their personal expereinces. That is just not ok to do that to another poster who together with her SO have decided to work on their marriage. The problem is, many of the BSs who have left their marriages accept that kind of crappy rhetoric, until it is thrown back at them.

 

Obviously, grieving and hurting is not equivalent to being spineless, loser and pathetic. But fighting to save one's marriage is not either, especially if both are committed to do so. That was my point.

 

Oh no I wasn't hurt per se - I'm past that now. But it DOES take time for it to heal.

 

What I objected to was calling them pathetic...they're not. Its simple hurt. And they haven't moved on...haven't healed....and we see it as bitterness/anger/hurt. Some people may NEVER let go, never truly move past it. I don't know why they can't...but I wish they would.

 

Its far better for them, the ex and everyone else...but to each his own...

[Reggie]

I just thought the reference to "months" was out of line. I have never heard of anyone getting past this in months.

Folks going through this feel bad enough. They are already dealing with feeling like something is wrong with them and that they caused the cheating. To heap additional criticism on them for not getting over it soon enough hurts them more.

[tami-chan]

If you are referring to me, I don't whine about my X. I use my experience as an example. She no longer is significant to me.

 

But my experience is relevant to discussion.

 

 

 

 

well...there you have it.

 

No, I was not referring to you at all...or anybody in that particular post..i just threw it out there for UntouchableFire -except that he/she did not respond to it...I guess, no need, since a lot of people responded for him/her. How can anyone see you as pathetic, Dexter Morgan? c'mon...

 

I do think some are a little pathetic...I have a few I can think of...JMHO.

[tami-chan]

Okay, how about putting this in context? that post was in response to UntouchableFire's attack on CiK. Nobody got offended by it (untouchablefire's reference to Cik's H), right? Well, I am offended by it...so I posted a counter post....

[tami-chan]

Well then go ahead and say it...tell soserious that she never supports a BS that takes back a cheater. I'll wait:o

 

Why would I do that? Do you NEED company? Why drag somebody else? That's so juvenile.

[tami-chan]

Oh no I wasn't hurt per se - I'm past that now. But it DOES take time for it to heal.

 

What I objected to was calling them pathetic...they're not. Its simple hurt. And they haven't moved on...haven't healed....and we see it as bitterness/anger/hurt. Some people may NEVER let go, never truly move past it. I don't know why they can't...but I wish they would.

 

Its far better for them, the ex and everyone else...but to each his own...

 

Okay, I understand. How different is that from someone who could never stop loving the other person despite the other person's cheating? Why is it that someone like UntouchableFire gets to cut this person into pieces because he decides to give the WS a second chance?

[boldjack]

I'm sorry, I can't let this go. Tami, why is what Uf did any worse than your calling people "pathetic"? Why are the BS's insults any worse than yours?

[confusedinkansas]

A friend of mine does email Thoughts For The Day....Thought this one appropriate since this thread has taken the turn it has.

 

 

Put the past behind you. You can’t change it. So don’t wear it like a chain. Understand it. Learn from it. Turn the experience into a positive. Use it to look ahead. “I will go anywhere provided it be forward.”

[Dexter Morgan]

Why would I do that? Do you NEED company? Why drag somebody else? That's so juvenile.

 

Nope, its a matter of consistency. If you tell me that, then obviously you feel the same towards her...but you single me out...hmmm... wonder why?

 

I think its

[tami-chan]

Nope, its a matter of consistency. If you tell me that, then obviously you feel the same towards her...but you single me out...hmmm... wonder why?

 

I think its

 

LOL...you think so? Actually, Dexter Morgan, if you have read on another post, I am pretty straightforward to soserious, she even said that she would put me on ignore. AND somebody came to her rescue. I do not really think being consistent is a strong feature of SOME BSs here-if it were then if they are offended by people being "mean" to the BS when they are hurting..then they should also be offended if other people are being "mean" to WSs who are hurting...it;s not about the labels, it's about the people behind those labels, really...just people, hurting..

[Reggie]

Most of the criticism I see of WSs is directed toward the blameshifters and the e. The others are treated pretty well by most BSs.

[angie2443]

Most of the criticism I see of WSs is directed toward the blameshifters and the e. The others are treated pretty well by most BSs.

 

I don't know what e means, but I think the rest is true.

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL...you think so? Actually, Dexter Morgan, if you have read on another post, I am pretty straightforward to soserious, she even said that she would put me on ignore. AND somebody came to her rescue. I do not really think being consistent is a strong feature of SOME BSs here-if it were then if they are offended by people being "mean" to the BS when they are hurting..then they should also be offended if other people are being "mean" to WSs who are hurting

 

No, because the WS's created their own pain, and more times than not on this site, they make excuses and put the blame on the BS for their own s##tty choice.

 

Now if a WS sounds TRULY remorseful and wants to do the right thing without justifying what they did....then hey, I still might give them a little bit of hell, but it would be a much different story. Unfortunately, those are few and far between here.

[Dexter Morgan]

Most of the criticism I see of WSs is directed toward the blameshifters and the e.

 

yup, my sentiments exactly.

[confusedinkansas]

Now if a WS sounds TRULY remorseful and wants to do the right thing without justifying what they did....then hey, I still might give them a little bit of hell, but it would be a much different story. Unfortunately, those are few and far between here.

 

So, what in your mind, constitutes TRULY remorseful?

[Dexter Morgan]

So, what in your mind, constitutes TRULY remorseful?

 

someone who doesn't blameshift or make excuses for what THEY did...and those that talk about their spouse/SO. You can tell by the way they talk about them if they seem truly remorseful.

 

As opposed to alot of WS's here who seem to focus more on the affair and the OM/OW, without giving their H/W much consideration in the post.

 

But mainly, if someone says, "I am very remorseful for what I have done, BUT......." and then goes off on an explanation of how their spouse didn't meet absolutely ALL of the petty little needs. got a newsflash for them....NOBODY will meet ALL of their SO's needs.

 

its like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way EVERY single time.

[confusedinkansas]

EXCELLENT IDEA SNOW............Here's my last comment from "I Cheated"

 

 

And for the umpteenth time....We are all different humans. We all deal with different things in our lives different ways.

Right, Wrong or Indifferent. It is part of what makes the world go around.

Some people deal with stress by gambling or drinking in excess. Some people deal with stress by exercising. Some people deal with rotten marriages by just jumping ship, others stick around & sleep around........See....very different behaviors. One may be more damaging than the other - but who's to say what's a right or wrong way to deal with certain situations.

 

You all look at the SEX act with another person outside the marriage as the be all & end all of any marriage - no matter what. I just disagree with that. And, I know I'll get lots of flack for this post........Can't wait

 

Trendy - I'm sorry we have hijacked your thread. We could move this back to NOTICE A PATTERN HERE.......

[bentnotbroken]

So, what in your mind, constitutes TRULY remorseful?

 

 

Boldjack is one I can think of.

[Snowflower]

Like I said on the other thread, CIK...you're never going to be able to get your point across with some here.

 

But, FWIW...I happen to agree with a lot of what you said, CIK. And as you know, I am a BS.

 

Sure, in a perfect world (we all live in a perfect world, right?!)... the unhappy, potential WS would say before the affair, "Hey, this marriage sucks. I'm not happy. Let's either fix our problems or I am moving on. I know so-and-so at work happens to like me so if you're not going to help fix our problems, then I'm going to go be with so-and-so."

 

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen. Let's get real...it's not right but it is what happens.

 

Let me be clear that I do not take any blame for my husband's decision to have an affair. That is all on him. However, I was not the perfect spouse beforehand either. No, I didn't cheat but I did some pretty crappy things myself. If I had been a really good wife and he was just a selfish a** who went off and cheated on me, then okay that is one thing. But that is not what happened...and I am just speaking from my own sitch here.

 

But, we had our problems-bigger problems than either of us realized at that time. I made some bad decisions myself shortly before he made his bad decision to cheat. Again, I am not to blame but my actions/decisions did have some unintended consequences. That is life...sometimes we can't predict how things will turn out.

 

Sure, my husband and I could have thrown in the towel on our marriage. And at different points, each of us very nearly did. But, both of realized we didn't want to. We loved each other and saw value in our marriage. It was the best thing to come out of this whole painful ordeal for both of us.

[confusedinkansas]

So snow...from the other post ~ Do you think you & your husband both loved each other during those trying times? Do you think he still loved you during the affair? Or is some of this hind-site.

I know that with me - It's mostly hind-site. I realize the love never went away - It just got misplaced for a while.

[Snowflower]

So snow...from the other post ~ Do you think you & your husband both loved each other during those trying times? Do you think he still loved you during the affair? Or is some of this hind-site.

I know that with me - It's mostly hind-site. I realize the love never went away - It just got misplaced for a while.

 

I know he loved me all the way along...even in the darkest times. I could feel it. Shortly before he had his affair (which of course I found out this timeline later after he confessed), he did grumble about our marriage. I remember asking him, "Have you stopped loving me?" He replied that he would always love me.

 

And that is the thing, CIK--I could tell that he still did love me-all the way through that dark time. He may have no longer valued our marriage-he admitted he had let our marriage go but his love for me still remained. It's a fine distinction-but one I can make.

 

As for my love for him, it was a classic case of nearly losing something to realize what I valued. When my H pulled away from me I realized what I was losing. I worked hard for months to get him to see what we were losing (all this time I was not aware of the A that had occurred). So yes, during that time I came to realize just how strongly I felt about him.

 

It was not so much of a hind-sight thing for us-realizing our love for one another. Other things we have realized in hind-sight but not this. Each of knew we still loved the other one. The thing is, neither of us (especially my H) knew what to do about it/how to fix it.