looking for some male insight....

[VAmama]

Hey guys....

 

Just wondering what the men on the boards will say about this one:

 

Long story short- have been reconciling with an ex for the past two months. Were together 2 years, apart 6 or 7 months. We got in a tiff this weekend. Basically, I was getting upset cause I felt like he may be "hiding" me and his involvement with me from friends and family, and did not like how this was making me feel. I told him I didn't want to be his dirty little secret. He got upset that I felt this way... it wasn't his intention at all, and then he got very depressed and negative about our possible future. Basically shut down. He is a self admitted committment-phob and we are trying to work through this. So I kind of expected this...

 

In the end, he told me he needed time to think with his head and not his emotions. He has admitted before to reacting with his emotions, which mainly involves running away from a problem (i.e., calling it quits on our relationship when he feels pressured). So I am trying to respect that and NOT reach out to him before he reaches out to me first, esp. since it seems he is trying to do the right thing.

 

But it's hard.... I'm always the first to initiate contact when we have a disagreement. Usually after a couple of days. I don't want to do that this time, in the hopes it might show him I can be independent without him (one of the issues we are working through is trying to be less dependent on one another), show him respect for his space and wishes, and also kind of pique his curiousity... and perhaps make him worry just a bit he could lose me. I hate that it's a game in a way, but I also kind of see I need to change my habits as well from the past.

 

The girly side of me worries though that with him being a commitment-phob, that he will spend this time dwelling and brooding and viewing things very negatively (he has expectations things shouldn't be anything less than perfect in a relationship, which he knows is wrong but struggles to combat) and could come to me eventually ready to end things again. Especially when I can already see I communicated poorly about the worry I was feeling (and esp. since I made some assumptions that were not true in reality- he has told some friends and family he is talking to me again; he's just not being totally upfront about the extent of our involvement. He says it's b/c he doesn't want to get his family emotionally involved before we are certain we can work through our problems cause he knows how much they like me and want us together).

 

So guys... what's this girl to do. What do you do when you ask a girl to give you space? And why? And how do you view it when she gives you all the space in the world? Does that factor into your thinking? Does it make you curious?

 

Thanks in advance for any insight-

 

VAmama

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Well thats a tough situation. IMO you should back off and let him come to you. He may not come back, but its not as big of a loss to you as it is to him. Having a girl willing to work through problems and try to understand them is something that is amazing and should be cherished. Let him clear his head for a while and react based on what he does. If he does contact you be nice and friendly. A cold shoulder type thing would probably just tell him that he is right to push you away.

 

I've been guilty of thinking with my emotions too much in the past as well. Usually I am the person that tries to be calm and calculate my decisions. So running off emotions is a hard thing for me and doesn't always yield the best results. Let him figure out where he really stands with everything.

[VAmama]

thanks GBNF- it's nice to know at least one man out there appreciates how much I'm trying to be understanding and patient. I think it's a little lost on my man, or at least, taken for granted.

 

He told me at one point yesterday that he feels like short of doing something to make me completely hate him, that I will never give up on our relationship and never admit it can't work, almost as though it was a source of frustration to him. But of course, that is the polar opposite of him (who wants to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble due to his commitment issues....), so no doubt he can't appreciate.

[carhill]

A healthy relationship shouldn't be this much work

[MichiganMan222]

I'm no expert, but here's my take. If I asked for space and she took it...and didn't contact me, it would probably start to bother me (assuming I really cared for her). I would feel like I better fix the problem soon or lose her.

 

If she continued to contact me,it would give me a sense of security that I have time to solve the problem and I wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

Out of curiosity, what kind of relationship do you have with his family and friends? I was in a situation where I kept my (ex)gf apart from mine, because there was a lot of conflict there. To avoid conflict, I separated the two 'worlds'. When she protested (just as you did), I told her 'give me time, i'll fix it'. But I never asked for space. I fully intended to ease the two worlds together. It ended up terminating the relationship.

[BCCA]

Here's my take:

 

He got upset that I felt this way... it wasn't his intention at all, and then he got very depressed and negative about our possible future.

 

But what he DIDNT do is deny that was what he was doing, which is very important. He didnt reassure you that you didnt have to worry, or discuss plans to have you around the friends/family. He is just sorry that you felt that way, which means he's just ticked you called him out. And of course he got negative about being together, because I bet the more negative he got, the more affraid you were of him leaving again, and the less of a deal him keeping you hidden was...see the problem?

 

Its a cycle of behavior he uses to get his way. Being dumped before, you walk on eggshells so as not to offend him, but at the same time, doing so makes you less valuable because you are allowing yourself to be gamed.

 

What do you do when you ask a girl to give you space?

 

Why would I want space from someone I wanted to make a relationship with? I would want space from someone who has demands I dont want to meet, because hopefully that space will make her let go of said demands.

 

I think asking for space is always a red flag, why does he want to avoid the problem?

 

Basically...

 

A healthy relationship shouldn't be this much work

[VAmama]

Thanks BCCA-

 

I agree he didn't whole-heartedly deny. He more or less admitted it was what he was doing, though it wasn't due to the reasons I feared (ashamed of being seen with me). He told me it was b/c he didn't want to get his friends and family involved yet and have them influencing his feelings about reconciling with me. He didn't realize it was making me upset.

 

I do realize I feel like if I push to hard I will drive him away, thus causing me to walk on eggshells. It's why I actually try harder to bring up things that are bothering me NOW..... in our previous relationship, I could be somewhat "emotionally lazy" b/c I didn't want to deal or upset our happy, harmonious balance. Trust me.... it was hard for me to work up the courage to tell him his lack of forthrighness with his family and friends was bothering me. But I don't want him to think I can be taken of advantage of in this situation.... I have already given more of myself to him in terms of emotional support these past few months than he ever should have dared asked or hoped for from an ex....

 

He asked for space b/c he has admitted in the past that he tends to react with his "gut" which is usually the feeling to flee any uncomfortable situation (i.e. push me away). So I actually did see it as a sign of emotional progress on his part that he recognized that feeling and realized he needed space in order to get past his immediate emotions and think with his head.... Plus we've had a lot of talks about having more "space" in our new relationship to explore our hobbies, interests, etc., so that we don't get too codependent on one another again. I agreed to that, since I find it healthy, so I guess I can't really get upset when he asks for space to sort out his head. I just don't like that it makes me feel anxious.

 

But, I am trying... so far he has been receptive to listening to me and my worries and meeting my boundaries (not dating anyone else, talking/calling every few days, dates 1 a week or so...) as well as reassuring me how he feels about me. I just still worry that I could push him too far....

 

Relationships are always a work in progress in my book. But they shouldn't be continuously difficult. Thankfully, this is the first hiccup since we reconnected a couple months back.

[Ayla]

Hi,

I am not a male, but I just wanted to lend you my support. My bf and I broke up 2 weeks before Easter and there were no signs this was going to happen. However he is a commitment phone. I moved country to be with him and everything. We were together for 2 years. Unforunatley he went the whole way and tried to make me hate him-by sleeping with someone else 3 days after breaking up with me-just sex. He told no one that we broke up-even went as far to tell his mates I was good when they asked about me (not telling them that we had broken up). One of the things I have learnt about commtment phobes is they hate people judging them. Especially when they know they have treated someone badly. I have not heard from him since, although I know he is not home much, working very long hours and drinking a lot. I do know that it is his loss and he will regret it. But nothing I did or can do will influence him-he has to work it out himself.

 

In your situation-it is great he is trying, and has admitted he has a problem. All you can do though is go with the flow. What I am living by at the moment is that if we are meant to be we will be.

 

I wish you all the best and hope it works out.

[VAmama]

Thanks Ayla.....

 

Nothing yet from him. I am trying to be calm.... it will been 2 days NC soon. I don't know why this is stressing me so much.... we go 2-3 days without talking sometimes. I guess it's just b/c I know I upset him and I fear losing what we have again. I wonder if I pushed him to much too soon on this one particular issue instead of just letting things unfold over time. Are my expectations in terms of time and openness unreasonable at this juncture?

 

Tomorrow is my birthday. Part of me wants him to call me so bad.... and another part wants me to tell him that it's not necessary; we're not committed fully and I don't want him to "feel" he has to contact me out of respect, and not sincere desire.

 

And then I wonder.... what if he doesn't call me at all? How am I going to feel? How will I react?

 

Uggghhhhh. I just hate this and don't want to deal. A huge part of me just wants to walk and never look back and give him a taste of his own medicine. The other part of me....... well, thinks that is foolish and gaming and childish. I do love this man and want to see him get past the issues that are bothering him internally. I'm just getting worn out emotionally from trying to support him at the expense of my own emotional needs at times.....

 

Sigh. Why am I doing this? It seems so much easier just to start over, albeit, it wouldn't have the depth and understanding that I have now.....

[Ayla]

Hey V,

 

Happy birthday for tomorrow. :)

 

As hard as it is going to be - try and enjoy yourself a little. I honestly do not think that you should contact him tomorrow...leave it to him. If you do - unfortunately it will make him feel more "pressure" - I put that in italics cos it is not really pressure per se' - but in a commitment phobes mind it is massive pressure.

 

The other thing that I have noticed is that you seem to be blaming yourself for the current situation - cos you asked why family and frends did not know the full situation. This is wrong ok!!! You did nothing wrong and it was a reasonable question/request. Unfortunately nothing you can do or say is going to make him come around - he needs to work that out for himself. I walked away hurt and a massive broken heart (and I am missing him madly) but I know I did nothing wrong, and that it was all his problem - even if I changed the way I was, it would not have changed the outcome.

 

A classic commitment phobe might love someone madly, but their fear (or whatever you want to call it) will help them to destroy the relationship...and you boy is still doing this. What you are asking for is very reasonable - do not think otherwise, and do not take the blame on yourself. OK????

 

If he does not call you tomorrow - try not to take it personally, people with CP are selfish and they go into their holes a lot. If he does not call - unfortunately he is not at the point where he can be in a healthy relationship. It will hurt like mad, and people might tell you it is a sign he does not care....but I personally believe it is the destructive streak coming out and unfortunately people (even those most dear to them) get hurt. It is like they have 2 personalities. What it does tell you is that you need to look after yourself and start putting yourself first.

 

You have done everything you could, then ball is now in his court. I know it is emotionally draining and tiring - but really lovely - you need to think of yourself. Like I wrote earlier - if you are meant to be you will be.

 

Tomorrow try not to be alone, get some good gf around you and ask them for their support. If he does contact you - GREAT! If he doesn;t think of yourself. OK?

 

You can do this

[amaysngrace]

The girly side of me worries though that with him being a commitment-phob, that he will spend this time dwelling and brooding and viewing things very negatively (he has expectations things shouldn't be anything less than perfect in a relationship, which he knows is wrong but struggles to combat) and could come to me eventually ready to end things again.

 

So guys... what's this girl to do. What do you do when you ask a girl to give you space? And why? And how do you view it when she gives you all the space in the world? Does that factor into your thinking? Does it make you curious?

 

Thanks in advance for any insight-

 

VAmama

 

Hi. I'm a commitment phobe too. You are right. Give him space and do you know what? He'll think about all the negative. That's what he'll do when you're out of the picture. That's what he'll see your whole relationship as...bad. That's how he ends it easily. But the good thoughts creep back too. Sometimes it just takes time but they re-surface. The thing is will they be enough to make him want the relationship?

 

Yes give him a ton of space. Make him see what he is missing. He will think about you and he will wonder about you and he may even check up on you but if it's the pattern of you always going to him you need to break that.

 

Make him come to you. He may or he may not.

 

But don't you want someone who wants you in their life a whole lot more than they don't?

 

Walking away from him is the best thing you can do for yourself. Either he will prove himself as worthy or he won't. But you make a decision first. Decide to leave him alone.

 

And whatever he decides after that is his decision. He's either in or he's out. But at least you'll know one way or the other on where he stands.

 

It's got to be really hard for you. I know I wouldn't want to be involved with someone like me. I am a pain in the ass.

 

But what really works is when I back off for no apparent reason my BF backs off too. And when I back off because I am dealing with too much stress he comes closer.

 

It makes me appreciate him for knowing me so well.

[VAmama]

Thanks guys. :-)

 

I am NOT going to contact him. I don't feel I need to, and really, I think it will speak louder to him that I don't.... that I respect his need for space and that I can be independent and happy on my own regardless of what happens between us. I also know if I do, it will undoubtly pressure him further and push him away, so it would all be very counter-productive from my goal. I just don't like having the urge... I wish I could get rid of it somehow; refocus my mind off of it.

 

And I know the urge to contact is cause I worry.... I know he is brooding about us and how it will never work. Than that will fade away (tho never completely) and he will see all the qualities in me that attract him to me and that he desires in a partner. I just always worry that me and our relationship are never going to be enough; that he will always think things could be better, and hence, he always wonders if he should leave. I just hate the process and the time it takes as he goes through this. I hate how I feel in that time.... worried and anxious. I hate he gets to be so selfish and I have to be so self-sacrificing, and when I do speak up.... I end up feeling this way. It's not healthy.

 

It's just funny to me; that past two months we've built a lot of space into our new relationship that did not exist in the old.... so it's funny to me now that this "space" is bothering me. I made plans independent of him for my bday, and I also made plans to get out and be around people (new faces and old) over the weekend since his folks are going to be in town and I knew he would be busy with them. I just didn't like that we didn't talk about me not getting together with them all one night.... that there was just this assumption that I was okay with not being involved with his family or friends at this juncture. I am okay with it..... if I can understand and accept the reasons behind it (which I do). And now the space bothers me b/c I left upset and left him upset.... and feel like an idiot for being so paranoid that he may be hiding me b/c he was ashamed of me or didn't respect me enough to have me in front of his friend (though I absoultely agree I need and shouldn't feel bad about speaking up about things like this that are bothering me). That paranoia was, in part, due to prior baggage I am apparently still carrying over from prior relationships where that was indeed the case.

 

I need to keep trying to tell himself he will come around in time, after he has cooled down, had time to think, and is in a better place mentally. It just may not be on MY timeline. He has always come back, and I know how much he trusts and values my opinion, and and I know he cares very deeply for me. When we split before, it was b/c he felt like he couldn't give me what I deserved b/c of how he felt. It's just his phobia is pretty powerful... and I fear it. It has caused him to sabotage our relationship by causuing him to turn negative and running away.

 

I hate that I am giving him power over me and my feelings, and don't know how to stop it until he contacts me. I would go to the gym and go for a long run, but I've been eating poorly and not sleeping well the past couple nights, so I don't have the energy. At least I have my drawing course tonight... it will at least be a distraction.

[kates29]

I recently was in a situation SO similar to yours. I wish I came to message boards and that I was able to articulate what was going on as well as you did so maybe I wouldn't have ruined my chance.

 

The man I was dating had huge commitment issues, was afraid of pressures, expectations, and always thought that he couldn't give me what I deserved and that the realtionship was always out of balance with me lovig him more and trying harder for it.

 

We too, discussed our problems but it was usually me doing the talking. He was very closed up about things and it always made him so negative. He would let things build up and build up without clueing me in. He got better this last time we dated, but of course decided to walk away as soon as he felt unhappy. He thinks everything should just be perfect and work with no issues. And when I say every realtionship needs to go through these things he'll just say he doens't want to work at it.

 

He's come back to me several times. Sometimes we have limited contact in between, no contact, we'll date other people even. Whatever the situation he ALWAYS has come back. He never stays, but coming back as he does keeps me holding on that he'll come back again every time he leaves and eventually we'll get around this wall he's built keeping us from being happy together.

 

Its hard to hear him say things like, I don't love you enough, it'll never work in the long run, I don't want to try, I'll never be ready, I'm finished etc....but its harder to believe them since he's always come around.

 

Recently (I posted about this today, but its so so hard to convey everything in a post) we had some contact - we've been apart now for 2 months. I was very good at NC (always difficult for me) but found excuses to make contact twice. And each time it ends with him calling me while all I was looking for was a little text convo.

 

So he's dating someone now (biggest fear of giving space) but told me he's unhappy and went on to tell me he missed me and everythign else. Exactly what I was to hear, right? well, not so much as he called the next day to say he was drunk and its all untrue. But he did agree to meet up. In my post I questions if I should go, and how I should act??? Is he really done with me? Or is he trying to feel things out again?

 

I recommend that you do give him some space, but not too much. You don't want him to think that you're giving up, right? I jsut fear I gave him too much space this last time and he forgot about me. I too struggled with the family/friends thing and pushed so much!! I always felt as though he was secretive when we were reconciling and it made me really insecure, which is really really unattractive. I couldn't help it though and pushed even more knowing it was wrong until I eventuslly pushed him away. It is a game unfortunately trying to find the perfect balance.

[VAmama]

Day 3, no contact from him, no contact by me.

 

I am disappointed in him and find this all a little ridiculous. And it's my bday nonetheless. Is his ego and pride that wounded he can't even pick up the phone or type out a brief email or text to wish me a happy birthday? His very own mother has already sent me a lovely email about how blessed everyone is to have known me and to be loved by me due to my gentle, loving, compassionate heart. And yet I have nothing but silence from him.

 

I deserve better than this. This is not worth my love-

 

VAMama

[carhill]

Hey, happy BD. It's my 50th today. Taurans unite

 

I don't expect to hear or see anything of significance. So, I spend my day working and sending positive energy to others. Happy to be alive

 

Re-read my simple post upthread. There's 50 years of wisdom in it...

[amaysngrace]

Just so you know birthdays are a high-stress time for a commitmentphobe. So are holidays and any other time where his appearance will be required.

 

I think you are going to get a present from him though. You may or may not see him today. Probably not. But he will drop something off for you.

 

That's my prediction.

 

And that will mean that he still wants you around when this high-stress time passes. If he does nothing it means he doesn't care.

 

I hope you have a Happy Birthday and this guy does something soon.

[alphamale]

so guys... what's this girl to do. What do you do when you ask a girl to give you space? And why? And how do you view it when she gives you all the space in the world? Does that factor into your thinking? Does it make you curious?

basically he's testing you to see how tightly wrapped you are around his fingers...

[VAmama]

Thanks everyone- and happy bday to you too Carhill. Taurus united indeed! I'm 18 years your junior today. :-)

 

I am spending the day well... did lunch with my Mom and am taking my son and I out to a nice dinner tonight. I have received tons of emails and texts today, and feel very loved despite the ex. It's a good day.

 

The ex did text.... a simple two sentence text at a quarter to two. I'm tending toward NOT replying, or, if I do, with just a simple "thanks" later tonight (which may be the more graceful, less game-like choice). Either way, the text is minimal effort on his part and requires little to no recognition. You all think that's best?

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

VAmama

[catt417]

Hi

Another female here. Do the NC thing and do not contact him. I have been through this before and yes, it killed me and I cried alot. He will call you, especially if you were talking marriage and stuff. This guy is serious about you. And YES he will eventually call you because you will not go from meaning something to him to nothing. What he is telling you in so many words is that you have always called him too soon, meaning before he felt better about the disagreement. I have NEVER in my life called my bf of three years after an argument...He has always called me. The longest we went without talking is 2 months. He is saying to you, look, I need time for my wounds to heal without confusing it with my feelings for you. While we are thinking, why wont he just talk it out with me? He will call, I swear!!! Just hang in there lady...

[VAmama]

See though Catt417, the thing I am struggling with most is that I think after a certain point in time, there is such a thing as "too much space...." and that space can actually be damaging. I know if I went two months after an arguement without hearing from my partner, it would be over for me.

 

At some point in time, a person should be able to say "Okay, I've given myself ample time to think about this and it's time to address the situation." To drag it out is avoidance behavior and isn't the sign of a mature person or relationship.

 

But then again.... I struggle. I was so angry the past few days. And this morning, I woke up and after a bit was like "Why am I letting a few days of NC bother me? Am I really that insecure?" I mean, he didn't tell me it was over or anything, in fact, if anything, perhaps, he was trying to treat me with respect by asking for space to think instead just reacting in the moment with his emotions. I think the issue here is for me that I DO feel insecure; we are not officially back together, hence, I worry that things could fall apart at any time. I do have the power to change that, I know.... I could walk away. Or, should I just deal: am I being unreasonable b/c I feel insecure? Am I wrong for being upset that 4 days now after asking for space during a disagreement, I still haven't heard from him? I mean.... when we were an official couple there were weeks where we didn't see each other b/c we were doing our own thing? Granted, we at least called or emailed each other about once a day during those times, which is not the case in this most recent incident (granted the weak bday text from yesterday).

 

I don't know. I am really struggling right now on whether I should continue with this man, if I am being unreasonable, if he is being unreasonable, whether the relationship will ever be able to heal, etc., etc. This is new for me, since up till Sunday, I was very positive about us being able to fix things. Now.... not so sure.

[JohnnyBlaze]

You're not wrong for being upset about 4 days of NC, but he's not wrong for taking 4 days of NC, either. To make this work, the first thing you have to do is not use the word "wrong". Wrong is a confrontational word, and being confrontational isn't going to help your situation any.

 

Give him a call on the weekend. Us guys are good for going a week and not flinching about it. Besides, on the weekend, there's more time to talk with fewer interruptions (weekdays always seem to be busy). But before you do, you need to decide whether or not you do want to continue things. You can't, in all fairness, ask him if he's made up his mind when you haven't.

[VAmama]

Good points JohnnyBlaze. I shouldn't feel bad about I feel, but I need to accept it's okay for him to take his space (which I am attempting to do by NC). And I have been trying to keep in mind that he has had events/plans every night so far this week and hasn't really had the time to think about, let alone talk about what happened.... and then his folks arrive tonight and are in town through Tuesday. So, logically, I know NOT to expect to hear anything from him before then. I just don't necessarily like it though (and also know if we had NOT had a tiff, he would be emailing me and texting me at least through the week).

 

I just don't like either that it feels like it's on HIS clock... there was no definitive time given, like.... " I need my space right now, but I will be back in touch within the next couple weeks). For all I know at this point it could be a couple more days, or a couple more months! And that leaves me in limbo, and I don't like that feeling. I'm more of a "let's address this and come to an agreement or understanding and move on" type of gal. I don't like to sit and wait and let things fester.

 

I do admit I probably came of confrontation in his eyes when I discussed how I felt. And I want to apologize to him for that, cause it was not my intent. It's just the fear I was feeling causes a very strong reaction in me based on previous experiences. I think he felt I was accusing him of doing the same as prior ex's, rather than understanding that I was just fearful that this could be the case in our situation and needed some clarification or reassurance on his part that it was not. I want to clarify that, and worry that if I don't, he will sit and brood on one thing that is not necessarily tied in with reality.

 

I will perhaps drop him a text this weekend (he is competing in a triathialon), but that is about it. I do want to continue things, given that he can agree to met some of my basic needs. He has so far, it's just this last one he was not aware of. But if he cannot met it, it tells me he is not really in it for the long-haul with me, is perhaps just using me, and I won't be there for him anymore.

[Tizzy]

Happy Bday VA! I hope you spend today thinking about and enjoying the positive things in your life. Your ex sounds like a huge wad of crap and negative energy. letting him go is one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. It will hurt a lot now, I know, but it will be worth it in the end to not have to deal with him and his issues. Carhill is 10000000% correct. Healthy relationships don't look like this. Some things are better left broken and simply replaced. Sounds cold, but you have a life to live. There are men out there who you will meet, and these men will love you and will appreciate you for everything you have to offer. They won't toy with your emotions or come up with ignorant reasons to act retarded and selfish in a relationship. If and when you meet those guys who don't see how wonderful you are, tell them to get the hell out of your way (and your life!) and focus your energies on those who show you they care about you through their actions. Relationships are meant to be beautiful and a source of strength and stability for your life, not full of drama and headache all the time. And certainly not full of games, chasing and lopsided love. Keep your eye on the prize (which is YOU and your wellbeing!) and leave that bozo alone.

[catt417]

Oh yes, believe me, after two months of not talking I was moving on with my life. I was surprised when I heard from him. I dont think you are being insecure, I think if the shoe were on the other foot, he would worry if you were the one that "needed time ir space". Honestly, I just think its the difference between the way some men and women handle things. The reason I say for you to not contact him, is because that is a way of already moving on with your life if he isnt mature enough to handle things. I totally understand how you are feeling because when we wouldnt talk for a couple of days it would kill me and I would think, " why doesnt it kill him and why isnt he calling" and then I would think "he doesnt value this relationship as much as I do". Just remember as you are not calling him, what is meant to be, will be. If it is true love, it will survive. I think he knows, just as mine did, that you would still be around when he is done thinking. It isnt fair, it isnt right, but it is what they do. If he calls you, I would say that you did alot of thinking and if he truly cared for you as much as he says he does, he wouldnt put you through things like this and next time you may not be around when he is done trying to figure it out. Stay strong, men do like to think that you are strong enough to be without them, even though they hate the thought of it. It is like a challenge to them. In time, he will be thinking, wow, I wonder why shes not calling me like she has before and he will be afraid that you are giving up on him.

[VAmama]

Thanks for the kind words Catt417.

 

I do see NC is helping me.... I'm not as torn over this as I was just a couple days ago. I'm kind of like, well, shrugging my shoulders and thinking "If he wants me, he'll contact me and if and when he does, I'll see how I feel then". Either way, I know I will be fine. I have a lot going for my life, and my life already, before all this, did not revolve around him. I want my ex to realize that as well, and agree Catt417, that the longer I go without initiating any contact, the more possible it is my ex will begin to possibly think that as well. I want him to begin to realize his life may not always include me in it, that I can indeed choose to walk away anytime I would like, and he could indeed lose me.

 

I also agree that my initially neediness of "why isn't he calling?" is also probably attributed to the differences in how women and men feel about "space".

 

And, in a way, I guess my persepective has changed. I kind of am thinking now that this period of NC, however long it lasts, is a blessing in disguise. It is giving me the time to really sit and reflect.... all the times before, when he would express doubts about us and our future, I always felt like it was b/c there was something wrong with me or our relationship that could be fixed. Now..... I'm begining to have strong feelings that there is nothing wrong with me, nor anything really wrong with the relationship. Instead, I am begining to believe that my ex really is commitmentphobic; he will continue to push me away whenever I call him out or ask him to show some signs of maturity, responsability, or selflessness, and I don't know that I want to deal with the ramifications of someone like that. Additionally, I am begining to see A LOT of similarities between my current ex and my ex-ex (and father of my son), who was a commitmentphobic to the extreme, and in very damaging ways that hurt me badly (constantly running away from any sign of responability, etc). I went through my 20's in extreme emotional distress b/c of that relationship, and I don't want to relive it again in my 30's. I was up late last night in bed, running both situations through my head, the words that were said and the actions that did or did not back them up. It very, very similar. To this day, my son's father is 42, still alone, and probably will be for the rest of his life. He so fears relationships cause he fears being controlled and losing his "independence." Yet he is alone, even though he wishes he wasn't. But he will never learn. Is my current ex the same?

 

The only reason I'm still hanging in there in the current situation I believe is b/c I have a plethera of memories of what my ex can be.... and there was a long period of time where I believed in him, perhaps blindly. I never believed in my son's father the way I do of my current ex, and I think that is the only reason why I'm still hanging in there despite my severe reservations at this point. I no longer believe in my ex blindly however, but I do believe in what he is capable of. I do believe he could get past this, if he truely wants to put in the work (and he has shown spurts of doing that). But the negative associations are getting stronger for me every day, and I wonder if my ex really doesn't just need to be alone in order to truly grow. If he doesn't truly need to experience loss.

 

And not to mention I don't feel like my love is truly being used, valued, and treasured in the way it should be at the moment. I feel like I have this incredible gift of love, compassion, and understanding to give, and it is being wasted in the current situation. So maybe it's best for me to leave so that I can give my gift to someone else in time (and to myself in the interium).

 

Anyways, thanks to everyone who has continued to read and provide comments on this thread. I welcome it and it has given me food for thought. It feels good just to get my thoughts out and down for me to review and ponder as I struggle with deciding what the right path is for me. I don't fear being alone; I enjoy my solitude. I don't fear never loving again; I know I will. I just can't envision him not in my life.. cause even during the period we were broken up and apart, were were still in very LC and it still felt like he was there walking through life with me... I can't envision him not in my life in any form or capacity... I feel such a physical energy and mental and emotional connection to him when we're together and when we're apart (and I know he feels the same), I just can envision that going away. It's not something I take for granted...