looking for some male insight....

[confusedcookie]

to catt: i just stumbled on this thread, and though my problems are definitely not as severe as the ones va is going through, i am still going through the same emotions. Since you give what i believe is great advice, i was wondering if you could hear me out, and give me some insight?

[confusedcookie]

bf of 1 year 5 months, me and him were having a fight bc, he told his friend on the phone that a relationship is a game and that in order to gain power, you must not phone after a fight, and wait till the other person.

 

i started poking his hair, slapping his arm, and etc, nothing to hurt but to pester him while he was talking to his friend.

 

we got to our destination, a museum, and we started arguing, and he said, "i'm sick of you, and i can't deal with you". i got upset, and got out of the car, he drove off.

 

this was the bad part of the neighborhood, bums and druggies (east hastings and cordova in vancouver). he knew i was not carrying money with me that day and called me 30 mins later.

 

i skytrained home, and missed his 30 calls, the last call i picked up and he said he thought i went in the museum (no text or call to check), said he never left, circling the block (if so, then should have saw the bums, and called to make sure i was okay)

 

i said i took my things from his house, and left the key on the porch, and since then, he never called and its been 4 days. i need some insight, am i being to anal, should i be the one calling him?

 

the things is, we hit a really big rough patch after i met is family, we had a huge culture difference, and if you want, i can give you the details to that later, but contrary to everybody's opinion (friends, and loveshack) to tell me to dump him, and give up.... i phoned, and we got back together, and we have just made it through and now are really happy again...

 

its only been 4 days of nc, but though i'm 23, he is my first bf and it hurts so much... i was too naive and unguarded, and i gave him my heart wholeheartedly, never realizing what true heart break is...

[You'reasian]

Ayla,

 

Congratulations on the job, Im happy for you!!! And you have been very strong with your ex and everything you said was true. I learned from a very wise woman that men HATE it when you dont contact them because they HATE the thought of you actually being ok without them, and worry about you moving on. They start to wonder if you have met someone else, they start to feel like they lost the only security blanket that they ever had, and yes, they fear that someone else may be lavished with your love.

 

To the contrary, I would be very happy if my ex-gf found someone that she loved and loved her too. I would hope that she's doing ok and seeing/knowing that she has someone would make me happy.

 

Its not about ego, its about whether you respect the person despite however you split up

[catt417]

I understand what you are saying, but my thoughts are with someone that still cares for you and says he/she needs space....Our conversations have been mostly pertaining to how much space is too much? How long do you give the other person time? When so you know that its over?

 

My thought is, Im sure you wouldnt be happy is she told you she needed space and later discovered that it was to be with someone else...

I can have the upmost respect for someone that tells me its not working out and then meets someone that they are happy with.

 

I do know that some men test you to see how much you endure, this is where it becomes about the ego, to see how much you will put up with because somehow, then they know then exactly how much you do care. My bf is like that, he was screwed over so many times that he pushed me away to see if I cared enough to keep coming back. He was afraid and his concept was, better to do the hurting, than to get hurt

 

So, in some circumstances, I do believe its about the ego, self-confidence, whatever you want to call it.

[You'reasian]

I understand what you are saying, but my thoughts are with someone that still cares for you and says he/she needs space....Our conversations have been mostly pertaining to how much space is too much? How long do you give the other person time? When so you know that its over?.

 

Its over when its over. When the two of you (or one of you) say so.

 

My thought is, Im sure you wouldnt be happy is she told you she needed space and later discovered that it was to be with someone else...

I can have the upmost respect for someone that tells me its not working out and then meets someone that they are happy with.

 

I do know that some men test you to see how much you endure, this is where it becomes about the ego, to see how much you will put up with because somehow, then they know then exactly how much you do care. My bf is like that, he was screwed over so many times that he pushed me away to see if I cared enough to keep coming back. He was afraid and his concept was, better to do the hurting, than to get hurt

 

If its obvious (or even not so obvious - but apparent) that one person is no longer in the relationship, then let go.

 

No tests. No BS. Just let it go and work on yourself. Its hard, but you always come out better when its all over (kind of like throwing up lol).

 

Eventually, you will meet someone who is as confident, radiant, kind and loving as yourself - without silly hang ups - whom will love you equally and whom is ready for a relationship.

 

Its a rareity, almost like having this really intense awesome connection

 

but it happens

[VAmama]

So, yeah, I sent the email. I think the most important piece of all this is that I did it for ME.... he has had enough space IMHO, I am tired of the limbo, and I need some resolution- whether it be to work on it or move on. I'm just tired of the highs and lows...

 

I was okay with it yesterday. The email I sent I think was fine; I started out funny, congradulated him something, thanked him for texting me on mother's day, and just briefly touched on the arguement and told him I would be open to hearing from him if he's okay with that. Today.... eh, I don't know. I'm pretty sad and down in the dumps again, tho that is typical for me when I feel stressed. I haven't heard from him, tho, I guess it's understandable. We both had things we were doing till late last night (which he is aware of). It's very possible he was in meetings all day yesterday, or out of the office and out at one of his sites....and just, well, basically, didn't have the time to address it in the way I deserve. It was also his first evening alone again after hosting his parents for 5 nights. He could've wanted some decompression time. So dunno. But I haven't gotten a response yet.

 

Either way..... I guess for me this will confirm and validate some of the things I am thinking. I will still be sad it's over; I hate the thought of being alone again for awhile, of having to go through the whole game of dating again in time... I'm so tired of that game too. I'm tired of feeling that as much as I give, it is never good enough, and for those that it is good enough for, they are already taken by other people. I just want to be with someone who loves me and values me and would never, ever, give up on me. That sees despite the drama, what he has in me, and what we have, is valuable and worth something..

 

I don't think my ex is a bad guy. I don't necessarily think he did anything wrong. He asked for space and what am I to do- say no? That would be disrespectful and unloving too. I just hate that when I'm ready to resolve things he is not.....it takes him SOOOO much longer. And this time I fear a repeat of all the other times before..... and I just can't do it again. It's now or never. But I can't envision him not in my life either...

 

Sorry, rambling. Like I said, it's just my morning sadness. But I thought I would put out an update.

[marty7]

i am a male and have been accused of being a commit-phobe. from my perspective, the guy should not be talked into re-establishing the relationship. you can win the battle and lose the war.

[VAmama]

So, of course, as soon as I wrote eveything out.... i checked my email and see I got a response from the ex.

 

Said thanks for the note, that he had a really busy but great 5 days with his folks and is now in recovery mode. Said he knew I would be watching something tonight on TV, but that maybe he could call me afterwards so we could catch up, and asked if that sounded good.

 

So.... that's it in a nutshell... we'll see how tonight goes.

[catt417]

Good luck tonight dear, Im glad you heard back from him.

 

In response to the last post, you CANT talk someone back into something that they dont wanna do, right? He contacted her back, she didnt make him do that, did she?

 

I hope everything goes smoothly for you VA! Let us know...

[catt417]

I hear you YOUREASIAN, I have never sat around and waited for someone to come back. I did concentrate on my own life. If I meet someone else, so be it. If not and I feel like giving it another shot, so be it. She has been doing things on her own, but yet he is still on her mind. It shows that she really loves and cares for this man. I think if you go out and find someone else right away, your love for that person didnt mean so much to begin with. I know that I have always had long-term relationships and needed a healing time (at least a year) to get my thoughts and life together. Everything is not so cut and dry all the time....Is it?

[You'reasian]

I hear you YOUREASIAN, I have never sat around and waited for someone to come back. I did concentrate on my own life. If I meet someone else, so be it. If not and I feel like giving it another shot, so be it. She has been doing things on her own, but yet he is still on her mind. It shows that she really loves and cares for this man. I think if you go out and find someone else right away, your love for that person didnt mean so much to begin with. I know that I have always had long-term relationships and needed a healing time (at least a year) to get my thoughts and life together. Everything is not so cut and dry all the time....Is it?

 

Catt, you seem to have a knack for psychology

 

Anyhow, different people get over their ex-es at different rates. Some faster than others, simply because they can compartmentalize things well and understand that break-ups happen for a reason.

[VAmama]

So.....

 

He called as he said he would. We talked. And talked. For about 35 minutes. About everything except..... the disagreement.

 

Dunno what to make of that. I, honestly, was exhausted already when he called and was falling asleep on the sofa. He was pretty tired too... kept saying he needed some R &R... so perhaps neither of had the energy to discuss it in a proper way (at least, that's is what I was thinking on my end).

 

I ended the call first. Didn't ask him to call again. Didn't ask if or when we were going to see each other again. Just decided it was best to let the friendly, cordial conversation rest and marinate with him for a bit. He did say he would talk to me later when we said our respective good-byes.

 

I'm sure he's a little perplexed I didn't say anything, though maybe a bit appreciative as well. I do know we still need to talk about it, but not when we're both tired. Maybe it was better to go about reestablishing contact this way to so that when we do talk, he's not walking into it feeling like he's going to be attacked, or that it will be hostile.

 

Anyways, that's my rambling, tired thoughts. More later...

 

VAM

[catt417]

I think you did very well on what you said and did...My only concern for you is that you are being a convenient "friend" right now and we all know that the last thing you want is to fall into the "friends" zone.

 

Its so difficult to be with someone for sooo long and avoid the real "issues" at hand. You made it easy for him, and I understand why, but in the same aspect I think maybe you were afraid of the reaction you would get if you brought up the real "issues". Maybe you were afraid that he would lash out at you, maybe you were afraid he would end the conversation? Maybe you were afraid that he would blame you for wrecking the nice conversation?

 

I know that my ex used to say to me that we "were having such a nice time together and then you go and drag some kind of crap into it". Its not crap, its a resolution, a resolution that sometimes will never come, unless we are the ones that initiate it.

 

Whatever you do, do not maintain being "freinds" with him. You are allowing him to have the best of both worlds while he strings you along. Your way too good for that, and you deserve more than a slip away and being kept content with small talk.

 

Good luck to you and if he does call you again, I would definately tell him he owes you an explanantion, he said he needed time to think, tell him you want to know exactly what he has been thinking. He owes you that much! Im sure you know that.

 

Oh and thanks you'reasian, I like your reasoning as well.

[VAmama]

Hi Catt417-

 

Thanks for the input. No, I don't think I was trying to "friend" him. I really was just very, very tired. Like I said, I was already falling asleep on the sofa well before he called (and he didn't call late at all; he called right after the thing I was watching was over). Why try to have that coversation if I didn't have the energy for it? That's only a receipe for disaster in my book. I wasn't afraid of any possible reaction.... I just didn't want to deal. Maybe I was being emotionally lazy, but at the same rate, I don't think it's smart to have a long, indepth discussion with someone when I don't have the energy to properly address it in the way it deserves.

 

The way I look at it at this morning... the ball is in his court. He knows now he can contact me without getting attacked (which may very well have been the impression I left him with during our discussion). His actions at this point will validate to me one way or the other his feelings. He's not stringing me along, cause I'm not waiting around for him. I made plans to go out of town next weekend, and he sounded surprised. He also has made attempts to keep in contact with me with his texts (which I ignored) and by committing to call at a certain time and following through with it. I don't call that stringing along. I don't fear he won't contact me at this point; I think he will, and I don't think it will be a matter of weeks or even days. I really think my general silence for the most part has him confused, since it's not typical of me, and will cause him to reach out again sooner rather than later. Maybe if I hadn't generally ignored his texts, he would've called sooner, who knows?

 

The only issue now is just that: that we haven't talked about the issue yet. It's not that I don't think we will, or that I won't bring it up in time, but I won't do it just b/c I'm impatient. If we're both too tired to discuss something, then the better course of action in my mind is to wait till we're both in a better frame of reference. That's all. I know if someone tried to talk to me about something when I'm beat tired it would annoy the heck out of me, I wouldn't want to deal, and would probably get annoyed really quick cause I don't want to be bothered. And my ex has never been annoyed when I've brought up my issues or feeling before; he's never called it crap or anything. He just gets frustrated I think, confused, feels guilty.... you know, all that. But he's never been one to avoid issues or tell me he doesn't want to deal or talk about things. But I won't risk that either if we're both to tired to discuss something emotional. 35 minutes of small talk is easy; 35 minutes of something that makes you stomach churn is entirely something else.

 

So... within the next week, I'm sure it will be resolved. A couple nights of good rest will fix that.

 

I'll keep you all updated.

[VAmama]

... since my last post.

 

A little email back and forth. Another phone call- this one went an hour. But again.... no initiation on his end on seeing each other. And now not only is he gone this coming weekend, he is gone the first and third weekends in June. The third weekend I knew about well before our disagreement; the first week tho he had hesitantly discussed doing, but I guess ended up deciding to go ahead with it. Quick trips, and nothing really out of the norm for him. It still bothers me a bit tho; this weekend and the two weekends in June are my "free" weekends- the weekends my son is away with his father. They are the weekends my ex usually devotes to me. The other end of it is that the first trip in June is an annual trip my ex does every year with his friends. I've been with him the past two years on this trip. This year, I'm not invited... :-(

 

I don't know why this all bothers me so much. It's not like I went with my ex on every trip he took out of town when we were a couple. I guess it's just the three weekend trips over the course of 6 weeks, and the fact that it makes me a little sad I won't be there with him and his boys (and their gf's ) this year.....

 

I keep telling myself to give him his space, let him work out his issues, and in time he may be ready to pick back up again. He keeps saying he doesn't want his happiness to depend on me; he wants to feel he can be happy without me. So I wonder if he's not really trying to do that now; to emotionally diversify, in a way. And I'm all for it; I don't want him to feel dependent on me to be happy, cause all it does is make him uphappy and he ends up picking on me. And when we do talk, it's good. He seems pretty open about what he's been up to and all that. It just that we're just not talking about it... us... the disagreement. Part of me think it deverse a face to face discussion, but, if no face to face discussion can possibly take place anytime soon.... The other thing I keep in mind is that when my ex is ready to talk, he always lets me know, and then it's like the thoughts and feelings just pour out of him, spewing.... he'll talk and talk for hours. Maybe he's just not there yet.

 

And then I think.... geeze, it's only been two weeks. We are talking, and it it's a friendly, happy banter when we do. What's wrong with me? Why am I questioning so much? So what if it goes another six weeks? In the long scheme of things, is that really THAT long of an amount of time? Am I that insecure and untrusting that I get bitter when he's out trying to do those things that make him happy and feeling like he's independent? Isn't that what I should be doing to..... So what do I do? I make a list for those three weekends of all the things I want and like to do on those weekends; things I probably wouldn't do if I were hanging out with him. Is that bad? Maybe I should appreciate this time instead of feeling like something is wrong...

 

And he did mention that he normally travels a lot in the begining of summer (true). And then he settles down. So I am trying to tell myself this is just a temporary thing. But then I think ahead to July 4th weekend. It's another free weekend for me. Will he exclude me from his plans then too????

 

Sigh. I dunno. I don't want to come off needy and insecure, but I hate feeling like I am. I should just suck it up and ask him some questions. But what do I ask? Where do we stand? Heck- at any given moment I don't even know where I stand on the matter. How can I expect him to? I guess I just don't want to feel like I am in a FWB situation; I want to give him his space, but I need to know I can trust him too.

 

Anyways, just my rambling thoughts for today.

[catt417]

Of course its going to bother you because you went from sooo much more then your getting now, a phone call once in a while. I myself, wouldnt be fine with this.

 

You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you havent actually been absent have you? He can call or email you when he thinks of you, and apparently thats enough for him right now. Are you truly ok with that?

[VAmama]

Yes and no.

 

No.... b/c I enjoy spending time with him. I like being with him. I want to spend time with him. I like how I feel with him and being a part of his life.

 

Yes.... b/c I feel like I am too dependent on him to be happy. I always felt so torn before: I had no time for ME between him and my son. This space is giving me that, and I realize I should grasp the opportunity. It is also allowing me to get space and think about what I really want, and the person I want to be in any potential new relationship with him.

 

Was I absent? I don't know. I didn't call, email, or text him for a week after the argument, tho he texted me twice. This past week, I have taken more initiative by emailing him twice- and he has recipicated quickly. I have never picked up the phone to call him tho, and haven't asked him to call me either; he has told me in emails he will call me, and he has followed through and called when he said he would.

 

And again.... am I happy with this for the long term? Heck no? Should I be stressing about 2 weeks of this? Eh- I dunno. 2 weeks isn't really all the long of a period of time, esp. when factoring in the schedules of two very busy people. That's what I keep thinking logically. The emotional, insecure part stresses over it tho since it is a break with our usual pattern of communicating and seeing each other.

 

So... what is that? Not exactly absent, but I'm not exactly being a big initiator over here either. More or less just mirroring his actions at this point.

 

I guess this is all my way of saying I don't know what I'm okay with. Can I deal with the space? Sure. I can see it being good for both me and him. I just don't like knowing how long it's going to go on for; the uncertainty of that is bothersome to me. Space can't be all that bad if I don't even know what I want... I'm still vascillating between my head and my heart. My head says to leave. My heart says to be patient and wait it out.

[Ayla]

Hello ladies.

 

Firstly today is my first day at work. I am excited, nervous and sad. Sad because the person I want most is not here to be excited with me. I miss him so much, and still no word from him.

 

V-Catt is right, you have been somewhat absent, but he has not had anytime where he can think "cr@p, I can't call her when I want. I wonder what she is doing. Does she miss me." he can contact you when he likes and get all that information. Honestly I think you would be better off telling him that you are going to go NC for a few weeks-that way he will get a chance to really think about you. It takes commitment phobes a long time to come round-if at all. Like I said earlier he might love you to death, but can not get over his phobia.

 

I have not spoken to mine for 7 weeks now and it is killing me. Is it hurting him???? I think so, he is working massive hours, going out a lot-which means drinking a lot and most likely sleeping with half the country. Why??? To escape his emotions.

 

Like you said it has only been 2 weeks for you. Try and stay strong. Have you done any reading on commitment phobes??

 

Wish me luck for today!!

[VAmama]

Thanks girls- I hear you both.

 

He will be gone this weekend, as will I. I will not be contacting him while I am out of town. Nor will I contact him when he is on the road in June. If he calls and I am available, I will pick up. If not- oh well. Same with texts.

 

I guess I just don't want to "game" it, in a sense. That's just not me. I wouldn't be honest with myself and my principles if I tried gaming him- ignoring his contact if I am available and emotionally okay to take his calls, etc. That's all. He would know I would be gaming him in that sense, as well. I'm sure with the continued space it will give his some time to think about things and miss me. I don't doubt I am in his thoughts.

 

I did purchase "Men Who Can't Love" and read it over the weekend, but I didn't care for it too much. I thought it was too general (almost every man could be labeled commitmentphobic if you were to just go off that book, IMHO). I also didn't like that it didn't offer a woman any concreate examples for how to deal with being in a relationship with a commitmentphob. I also kind of felt like it was a bit man-bashing (tho I realize it was written by a man, lol). I ordered "He's Scared, She's Scared" today however, as well as "Getting to Commitment". So we'll see....

 

I just feel a little lost, but am trying to continue on. As I said, I am taking an impromptu trip out of town over the Memorial Day holiday to visit a friend, and am setting up plans for the weekends in June where I am free- manis and peds, movies, hair appt., running a 5K, volunteering, participating in a Scavenger Hunt.

 

Ayla-congrats and good luck on the new job! So very exciting, and I am sure it will be rewarding and challenging for you. :-) Did you know that when I was pregnant (so long ago now, lol!) that I was going to name my child Ayla if it was indeed a girl.... I just love the name. So pretty. :-)

[catt417]

You know, I feel so bad for both of you.

 

VAmama- because it seems to me like you know what you want and aren't getting it. It kinda sounds like you are anticipating his return and writing it off as being a good thing all in the same breath. I get confused sometimes just trying to stay with you. I just kinda feel like, dont get mad, but like he can come back whenever he wants and he knows that. Maybe you havent been initiating anything and relaying that to him, but he knows. I have read so many posts on "My bf broke up with me and wants to remain friends, why?" I have seen the same answer over and over again, "If something else fails, he can come back" or " If he doesnt find anyone that he considers better than you, he can come back". I am not saying that your man is out there trying to find someone else, but if he does meet someone he likes, he isn't cheating on you, and has nothing to feel guilty about.

 

I know its negative, but I truly believe you are trying to find positive in this to make yourself feel better. I poured myself into my kids when my ex wasn't around, but I wasn't fooling anyone, the minute he came back....we were back together. All but the last time he came back, he wanted to be friends, I said no. He started asking friends about me, I ignored it. He would have his daughter call me, I would ask her how she was and not bring him up. I honestly believe the only way they wake up and smell the coffee is when they know you arent hanging on. That is when they fear losing you, the VERY most. Dont sell yourself short or let any man treat you like you arent worthy of more! Mine was sleeping in my driveway, in his truck, or driving by (literally) about 100 times in the 6 weeks we werent together, he was scared to death of losing me. We have been together ever since, and now hes scared to death to go anywhere. I want the same for you, because you are worth it and I know he knows that. Men will only get away with what they are allowed to get away with.

 

As for you Ayla- I think you are doing awesome!!! He has NO idea that it is killing you and that is a good thing...Believe it or not, you are helping yourself heal by doing what you are doing! Getting on with your life, a new job...I hope you love it!!!

 

I know its hard, very hard..But you know if you are meant to be, you will be. If he is the love or your life and you are his, there is no time limit on love. Hang in there, he will realize he screwed up and eventually, he will be kicking himself in the a@@ like most men do. But most of all, he will admire your strength for getting on with things..Im telling you men HATE the thought of you being strong without them. He probably thinks about you just as much as you are thinking about him, but it is difficult for men to call and say that. They think we should do it. Eventually, they break down, swallow their pride, and I swear, they are more emotional than us. LOL. Like big babies. Hang in there.

[VAmama]

I know it's difficult following me Catt417; a lot of what I write is my thoughts... at that very moment. Very semi-conscious type of stuff. I write it out so I can sit and try to process it all and make sense of it.

 

I probably don't make sense cause I don't know exactly what I want at this juncture. I am somewhat like my ex, lol- paralyzed by my indecision. Part of me wants out and to watch out for me, and to find a new partner. The other part of me fears losing my ex forever. As I have mentioned, my ex and I both realized we were very co-dependent on each other in our former relationship and are trying to correct this. I'm having a hard time seeing through the fog my feelings and his....

 

I don't know if I should just go quiet, or if I should confront my ex and attempt to talk it out.

[silverfish]

Just wanted to say after skimming through your thread that you should do whatever feels right for you. If you feel like having it out with him then that's what you should do. At some point even if you don't say anything now it could resurface...

 

I had 15 years and 2 children with a man like this. I have no idea why he behaves like this but I have come to realise it's not just me - he does it with everyone! Most other people though weren't as affected by it as I was. I am moving house today, and looking through old stuff reminds me of how unhappy he made me for such a long time..why? Because I always put the effort into the relationship, came to find him after an argument, organised our lives, arranged all our holidays, dinners, everything.

 

I had a boyfriend (seperate issue) who treated me better and made me happier in the 6 months we were together than my ex ever did. My self condidence and self belief is much better now, and I am MUCH happier on my own than I ever was because the weight of the relationship on my shoulders was unbearable in the end.

 

He's not a bad person, but he just can't do it - he doesn't 'get' it. We tried everything to make it work (initiated by me of course) but nothing ever did.....i am not saying leave him but I don't go through years of unhappiness for the sake of not rocking the boat x

[Ayla]

Hello again,

 

I am going to bed now (night time here)...but I just wanted to tell you that my first day went really well. I think I an going to love the job!!! Thankyou for the best wishes.

 

V-one thing by counsellor said was that it was good to write feelings and thoughts down. Just to get them out of your head. I have a notepad beside my bed. I think it really helps. On the books you have bought, I haven't read any of them. I just googled commitment phobia and read from there. Found some really good articals and forums. Very interesting. I prefer this because it is coming straight from the horses mouth so to

 

speak.

 

Catt-thanks for the positive words. You have been a great source of support. I know he will regret it one day, and who knows what I will be feeling then. I won't lie to you, I do want him back, and I love him so much...but I respect myself and love myself more. If he wants me, he will have to prove it. Everyday is a battle-in terms of not calling him, but I want him to see the strong me-which is what he is seeing. But Omg do I miss him.

 

I am so glad I "met" you guys. V, I hope I am helping you somewhat.

 

Goodnight, hope you both have a lovely day. I am off to see my ex in my dreams.

 

X

[VAmama]

That is fantastic about your job Ayla! So happy for you that you had a great first day. :-)

 

It's so funny we're all in different phases of dealing with a commitmentphobic man... helps to learn from each of our various phases.

 

So... my guy and I are meeting tonight. Tonight is the one night each week where my son is with his father. I take an art course in the evening, and my ex has an activity this evening as well, but suggested to my ex that we meet up after our respective events.

 

I keep analyzing the communication I have been recieving from my ex, and it is a marked contrast to all my prior communication with him when we have been in disagreement while in our prior relationship. When we were officially a couple and disagreeing, he would distant himself, I would reach out after a couple days, and he would respond, yet be negative. We would talk, and then things would resolve.

 

This time... I didn't reach out for a week, yet he reached out twice via text. When I finally emailed him, he readily responded and asked if it was okay to call me at a certain time that evening. I told him yes, and he called. As I said, we talked (just not about the disagreement). I emailed him again a couple days later, same routine- he readily emailed back, asked again if it was okay to call me later in the evening. I said yes, he called, we talked (just again, not about the disagreement). Today, thinking we either need to clear the air and move on, or get on with our lives alone, I suggested we meet up, despite our busy schedules. He readily emailed back and agreed. Through all the communication, he has been positive, engaged, and open (at a marked contrast to how he's behaved in prior disagreements).

 

So... I'm actually beginning to wonder if he really isn't wondering if I'm not pissed off, want my space, and is just waiting for ME to initiate things. Like he's basically doing the whole NC/LC routine on me... lol. :-)

 

I think this is what is throwing me. His behavior in the past two weeks is the converse of how it was in all our prior disagreements, so it's making me question EVERYTHING. In every other conversation he has wanted to throw in the towel, break-up, etc. He was very specific in this last conversation that while he recognized the urge, he knew he shouldn't act on it and take time to be less reactive emotionally. He didn't say he wanted to break-up or anything; just that he needed time for his emotions to calm down. And I was pretty upset through the conversation.... perhaps more upset than I have ever let on to him before about my feelings on an issue.

 

So... again, don't know. Just kind of rambling and trying to make sense of it. I'll let you all know tomorrow how it goes tonight. I'm pretty clear on where I stand in terms of my boundaries at this point. We have had a couple conversations over the last few months on what I will or will not tolerate with him and he has been very accepting and recepitve to my boundaries; we'll see how it goes tonight as well.

[catt417]

Thanks Ayla, I think that is what this is all about, supporting each other and trying to help people cope with their thoughts and feelings. Thats why I am sooo proud of you, it is ALL about respecting yourself and loving yourself more!!! Too many times we find ourselves loving our partners more and that ends up in a situation where they can take and never have to give. Good for you, Im glad you love your new job!!!Hurray!

 

VAmama, BEST of luck to you tonight! I hope you know that we all want the very best thing for you. Just remember when you see him tonight that he is LUCKY to have you as well as you may feel lucky to have him. I know that when my bf knew I thought I was LUCKY to have him, things didnt go real well for me. It was when I started looking at it the opposite, that he was lucky to have me, things started changing. I showed that I respected and loved myself enough to stand my ground(not saying you dont) and his levels of respect for me took on a drastic change.

 

Silverfish, Im sorry to hear of your experience. I truly believe that while some men love having someone in their lives, they are truly meant to be alone. I mean like, alone forever. They are at their best when they are sitting in their favorite recliner, drinking a beer, watching some form of sports and they are all they have to please. LOL. Nope, it never turns out to be the womans problem. I know a few men like this. Gosh, I wont lie, I have worked in one too many bars in my life!!! LOL..

 

So, whatever any of you fine ladies end up doing tonight, know that you are all worth the love that you have, give, live and hold onto it dearly because it makes us all special for who we are. People that are capable of loving and truly meaning it, sincerely, from the bottom of our hearts...Take that love and embrace yourself with it!!! God bless...