Author VAmama Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 See... I dunno. I'm not of the mindset that I can help my man to change. I feel he has to WANT to change, of his own volition, and not b/c I keep hammering it in his head. One of the things I keep thinking... if I actually leave, if it shows him that whatever he is doing is actually harming the people he loves the most, maybe only then will it give him the motivation he needs to get help. The only thing is that I risk me losing him or him me (tho, I guess for me, that can't be all bad). The risk is also that it doesn't motivate him either tho, and he stays in his rut. But then, I can't exist in that rut either.... One thing my guy says is that my prescence actually distracts him. Thus, how can he really appreciate my support right now as he tries to achieve balance and happiness within himself? He enjoys my prescence, no doubt. One of the things we kept saying repeatedly Sunday is how much fun we have together and he enjoys our time together. But then he feels he spends time with me at the expense of what he "feels" he should be focusing his attention on..... So he does feel I am holding him back, as much as he enjoys being with me. He knows I am trying to be in the background right now and support him by giving him space, but it's still apparently too much for him. And if he can't value my support.... ouch. But at the same rate, how can a couple be together if one or the other partner feels they can't grow independently in the relationship either. It can't be a successful relationship then, can it? Both partners need to feel they can grow independently while ALSO being in the relationship. And if he feels he can't, if it's too much pressure... You know, if there was something from his past that I could pinpoint as to why he is like this.... he did do 9 years in the military, starting straight our of high school, and he expresses a lot of the same feelings about that expereince as he does know when he talks commitment and feelings of being trapped. He feels he sacrificed and gave up a lot due to his military career. But he's 7 years out now... you think he would have gotten it out of his system by now. But no...... still feels like he hasn't had the "chance" to do all those things most people did in their 20's. But from my perspective.... he did, and he did it WHILE in the military. Dated a lot. Partied. Made friends. Traveled. Really... what else did he think the rest of us were doing? We had responsabilities too. Classes, jobs, budding careers. Come on now. Anyways, I don't know. Me staying around isn't really motivating him. Maybe me leaving and showing him how hurt I am getting, how much he is taking advantage of the person he claims to love, will. Maybe I need to let go, hope for the best for him, and continue on my journey, whether it lead me back to him or take me down another path. It almost sounds more like the safer bet at this point in time. Yet, I'm not one to give up so easily either. I don't want to give up on my guy, cause despite his faults, he really is quite a good man, but I don't know anymore how to get through to him without continuing to compromise my emotions and feelings. But darn him for wanting instant gratification. And, when once again, he finds out the grass isn't greener, that grass is actually pretty darn lonely and superficial... then what? I mean, he knows this. I know it. He knows my value, of that there is NO doubt. You should have heard him talk me up. To the point it was like "any man would be lucky to have you VAmama" to the point he was like, he was pushing me to want to go out and met another man. Like he doubts maybe why I'm still with him? That he knows I deserve better too. And that's the real rub. As much as he knows my worth, it doesn't make him want to work on himself in order to keep me, keep us. How can you push away someone you know is unique and special and a keeper just b/c of your insecurities? It would be easier to understand if I knew he felt I had some major character flaw that makes us incompatiable. But he knows we're compatible, he admits it, and yet, he doesn't want to work for it... Is that a healthy person? No, now as I write it out, I can see that. He really needs some professional help. Maybe he's even depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I understand what you are saying about hammering things into his head. The major problem here is that I really dont think he wants to live his life without you. I know the minute me and mine arent together he hangs out at the bars and runs with his friends and that doesnt fulfill his life. He always comes back saying that I was right, he wasted money and that isnt the life he wants to live. I often feel like me and my kids were supposed to be the substitute for his wife and kids, except he feels little obligation towards us, even though he may love us. (I know he does) Mine is a good man too he just got lost between prorities and where we fit in to his life. He certainly doesnt have a problem fitting himself into ours, we are the stable part of it. I think you are right though, the only way he will ever take a good look at himself, is to lose you. Its gonna be hard, like you said you just took a break in January and here you are again. Me and mine split up in February and here we are again. Its a vicious cycle. I understand that if you let it go, you are afraid of losing it forever. I have felt like that more times than I wish to remember. I honestly think that they get it into thier head that you will be around no matter what, and no matter how long you are apart. My understanding of yours saying "Maybe we can get back together in a year or two" is him saying that he wants you as his future, but hes not ready for a future yet. Which is completly unfair for him to put you on "hold" like that. I think you need to tell him that you are getting on with your life. It seems like you have a good enough time when you go out and you are well liked. I often wonder if there was a "better" version of my man, (without all of the BS) if I would think twice before moving on. We are all afraid to be alone, and sometimes I wonder if thats what keeps me holding on? Do you ever feel like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I think you need to tell him that you are getting on with your life. It seems like you have a good enough time when you go out and you are well liked. I often wonder if there was a "better" version of my man, (without all of the BS) if I would think twice before moving on. We are all afraid to be alone, and sometimes I wonder if thats what keeps me holding on? Do you ever feel like that? I do have a good time when I go out, though it often surprises me. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty atttractive, and have never lacked for attention. Combine that with a fair amount of intelligence, wit, and an overall well-roundedness, well, most men are completely surprised when I tell them I am single. I am trying to open my mind and be open to random conversation and just see where it leads, as I figure not only is it a good skill, but you never know what might just drop in your lab. But it's hard too.... feeling alone and wondering if anyone even wants to talk to you. I guess for me, though I don't lack for attention, what I want is quality, and b/c of that, my fear is it will be hard to find. My guy keeps saying there is no lack of good men out there and I'm like "Ha! There are no lack of men, but the good ones are few and far between, and often taken." I had this theory in my 20's that all the good men are taken by 30 and all that is left are the one's with issues. Harsh, I know, and the same that can be said of women (myself included). Yet, part of me feels maybe there is an element of truth in it. Hence, I feel forced to settle or accept that I will be alone. Neither option is attractive. And that is exactly why I hold on. I fear there is nothing better, and if that is true, than I am destined to be alone. And I don't want to be alone. I know it's a silly fear, that it isn't based in reality, but isn't that what all fears are? A falsehood that appears real? In order to let go, one has to embrace the possibility that fear is false.... but that takes in inordinate amount of strength and courage. So I do understand Catt417 exactly how you feel. It is a feeling I am quite cogniznat of. And while my logical side says it's a silly fear and the only healthy thing for myself is to give it up, let go, and move on, my fear, that emotion, controls me too. Guess I'm a bit like my ex and that way. :-) I think my ex is a little surprised already by some of the things I said. He looked surprised when I told him when I am out I flirt and tell people I am single. He was surprised when I told him I had been out on dates prior to when he came back in December, and I just didn't privy him to any of the "gory" details out of respect. He looked surprised that I told him he's not my bf and all of the reasons why he's not. He looked surprised when I told him if it was over, it was over, I was never coming back out of self-respect for myself and my own need for self preservation. I'm curious to know if he's reflected on those things and taken them to heart, or if he just thinks I'm spinning my wheels. All his looks of surprise make me wonder if he just thinks I sit at home with my son when I'm not with him, as that is certainly not the case. He has said more than once since December he sees us together and wants us together in the future, but it is insulting to me that he would think I would wait at this point. And he knows better than to ask me to wait, yet, it's almost like he believe I will, but I feel it's all based on these "false" beliefs (me staying home all the time with my son, me not dating when we were broken up). And so he thinks we have a future. But if he's not ready, he's not ready. But he can't expect or hope then that we will ever be together again. And then I wonder if he's just feeding my lines to let me down easy.... Ugh. I know he's going to call tonight; I kind of sense it, if that makes sense. I don't know if I'll ignore it, answer but say I'm not prepared to talk, or just answer and get it all over with. I just dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hello Have been reading this thread and thought I would finally post something to share and vent... I just got back from a weeks with my ex on holiday ... So I am feeling kinda crap, and need to vent. I dated him for 6 weeks back in dec/jan, he was perfect, then the bombshell, he has commitment phobia, 37 never had a relationship longer than 6 months...he freaks out at the 6 week mark, never lived with a girl, doesn't know if he wants the whole marriage and kids thing. So we stayed friends, he took me out for dinner for valentines so I wouldn't be mopey at home, bought me a doz roses and took me to lunch on my birthday....helped me move house, we go to the movies and dinner every now and then. He has even dropped me off and picked me up from dates! We have slept together a couple of times over the past 6 months, but it has not been a major thing, and something I have driven more than him. I admit I am in love with him and probably hold out some hope. He had a month of work and asked if I wanted to go on a holiday with him, for a week, I said ok, hoping things might develop or change on the holiday. We didn't see each two weeks prior and paid 50/50 the whole holiday. It was so hard, $3million dollar apartment, gorgeous guy doting on me, he did everything, cleaned the apartment, made me breakfast, candlelit dinners at expensive restaurants, walks on the beach, shopping, ......but just friends.....totally did my head in and by the end of the week my anxiety was so bad I couldn't eat. We were at the gorgeous restaurant sharing a bottle of wine, and he said " so you must really love living in your new house, plenty of great first date spots in that area" I nearly died..... He knew I was upset, but I didn't want to spoil our holiday by having a big thing about it... so we came home and he went interstate for a week and said it's probably best we don't see each other anymore as he feels he is holding me back from meeting someone special ( In my mind I have met someone special..HIM!!) I just can't understand how someone can throw away a perfectly good relationship, we had the best week, got on famously, didn't get on each others nerves and shared the apartment well. I know I must move on...it's just so hard to let go of the friendship. he dropped me Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hello Ladies, V - I am the same as you, it is scary being on your own after being in love with someone and wondering if it will happen again, will you eve love someone like that again etc. I think he does need to lose you to realise what he has....and really work on himself...not just go out and make new friends etc. He needs to talk to a counsellor. Catt - how are you???? Is he helping out??? OK ladies I have made a decision..... It has been 2.5 months since we broke up. I am not going to call him (as per your suggestion) I can't do that....not ready for it. I know he will contact me at some point (but who knows when) but I can't keep wondering if it will be today - everyday. I know he loved/s me and no one can take that away from me, but I need to forget about him. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I wish i could be with him, but it is killing me. So I am going to try and forget about him, spend time with myself and meeting some new people - who knows what will happen. Like you V, I have no problem in attracting men. To do that i need to maybe move away from this site for a bit, you ladies are wonderful, and it has been great sharing stories with you, but I would be lying if I didn't say that talking to you gives me hope...and I need to tell myself there is none. I will still stand by that he is not coping too well, and is missing me and that i love him so much. Also that everything happens for a reason, and that if we are meant to be together we will be....but if not, someone better will come along. I will miss you guys, and you have been wonderful. I am hoping that one day down the line we can catch up again. Or who knows - I might pop on here next week. this is just something that I have to try. I will try and send you my email address - as I would like to stay in touch. Please take care of yourselves, remember that the cliche "Its not us, its him" is so true in our cases. We are beautiful, smart, intelligent and wonderful women....and the men we love are so lucky to have our love. xx Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Love you girl...I can understand why you are not calling him and Im glad youre not gonna call. Good for you for being so strong!!! I can understand how being on here makes you kinda linger in it and is not helping your situation. I have been there, done that. Avoided some of my closest friends even, because I knew that we would end up talking about my bf...Knew that they would tell me if they saw him, knew that it would not help me get through it...I am so very, very proud of you... Im sure that there are times when he does miss you. He is just too selfish and pig headed to contact you. Maybe he doesnt want to put you through anything more...You cant just walk away from someone and not ever miss them or think about them, especially when you have dated for a while. Think about it, we have all had a bad bf at one point or another, and even the worst of the worst are missed when you get lonely. I am doing ok and yes he has been trying to help...We will see what happens with that. I think V is doing great things for herself and has the right idea. I am so very proud of her too!!! Taking on a positive attitude is a great place to start. Enjoy yourself and have a great time. Keep busy and explore the possibilities!!! I will miss you terribly Ayla, you are a very special person...I wish the very best for you and you better keep in touch!! I will think of you (honestly) and wonder how and what you are doing..Email me if you can, its [email protected] would LOVE to hear from you...your a lovely friend to have!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Hey Ayla- I PMed you, so hopefully you get it. Completely understand tho. Staying on these sites tends to make you "stay" in the pain. A visit every week or two is fine, but daily visits start to take a toil. Catt417- Glad your guy is trying. It may not be in all the ways you want, but it's in the way he is capable of at the moment, and that is a start. As for me.... the ex did NOT call last night. I was kind of upset about it last night. Now, not so much. It's kind of a relief to know that for the next 3-4 days I know for sure I won't hear from him (since he is now out of town and I don't expect him to call in the least). I plan to continue to stay in NC and move on. He is now my past, as I see it, and I need to focus on the present and look towards the future. As such, I won't be on over the weekend. Somehow, I ended up with a very busy weekend, lol! Dinner w/a friend tomorrow night, hair and nails Saturday morning, a run and bike ride Saturday afternoon (and maybe some pool time!), a neighborhood cocktail party Saturday night, and then Sunday brunch with my folks, another run, more pool time, and then a dinner out with friends and a concert. Phew. :-) I guess, since this is the third time I have gone through this now with my guy, I'm not too upset anymore; or, relatively speaking. I was devestated back in August when he broke up with me out of the blue. Literally could not function for a month- no sleep, no appetite, racing mind, etc. But now... I'm ready to let go of this pain. It's 10 months later and I'm tired. I just plan to go out, have fun, focus on me, start dating again, and just enjoying myself and be happy. I will miss him, and always wonder "what if" or if our paths will cross again one day, but for now, he cannot be a part of my life. The sad thing is... I know he will contact me again one day. Could be next week, next month, 4 months, one year, 2 years from now. But knowing him, and know how things were left in such an unpleasant, confusing way, I know he will be back in touch. Whether it is for the right reasons or the wrong (and there are far more wrong reasons than right) remains to be seen. I just hope when that day comes I am strong enough to stand up for myself, set boundaries, and be able to determine with a sound mind whether or not what he is willing to offer is enough for me. When he came back to me in December it was for all the wrong reasons and he knows it. The worse thing about it is that he knew I still cared so much for him, he knew I would trust him and want to believe what he was telling me, and he took advantage of that fact. That is not a man who loves me or cares for me and is only thinking of his selfish needs, and not the consequences of those needs on the person he claims to care about. So anyways, I will be back, but sometime next week. Like Ayla, a few days away from here, just focusing on myself and doing the things I want to do will be healing for me. I'm sure I'll be back too when my guy eventually does call me. Cheers- VAmama Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Of course you will hear from him again, hes not gonna want anyone else to have you and thats the truth. Its holding on from a distance. He wants his freedom right now, but the last thing he wants is for you to have a happy life without him. Oh gosh, if I wouldve known you could personally message someone, I wouldnt have thrown my email address out like that... Have a great week-end girls...LOL I will be packing and looking for apartments...Oh well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Hey Catt417- You can go back and edit your post to take out you email if you want (should be an option on the bottom right of the post). The private messaging options should be on the top right of the screen. :-) Talk to you soon... now that I got your email address. ;-p Link to post Share on other sites
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