looking for some male insight....

[catt417]

Im sorry, BTW, Happy Belated Birthday....Ok, so sometimes Im a little slow...

 

Its funny because when I think back upon my previous relationships, I generally pick the same type of guys...Do you think you pick men with similiar traits? Do you think maybe thats why they arent as fulfilling as you would like them to be?

[VAmama]

Good questions! I asked myself that question too, given that I am seeing some similarities now between my last two ex's...

 

Unless there is something subconcious going on though, I do not think so. My son's father.... well, I knew from the get-go he was immature and not especially responsible, and had something of a bad boy reputation. I was much younger at the time when I met him- barely 23, and he was 32. I was just looking to have some fun and not get involved in anything serious, and being young and naive', ended up falling for him and his lines. But I always knew he wasn't a helathy partner and never saw it lasting in the long term. But, you know.... I found out I was pregnant the day after 9/11, decided to have the baby, he left... he came back, I thought it would be best to try to make a go of it for the baby's sake... it crashed and burned horribly 3 years later...

 

My current ex I met a year after all that..... and he was from the outset the complete opposite of my son's father- established, very well off financially, sky-rocketing career, prior military background, etc. Very responsible (at least outwardly), albeit a little selfish and controlling (he's very much a type-A personailty). It was only 1.5 years into the relationship, after spending the holidays with his family and then going on a 10 day vacation together, that when we started talking marriage, did he freak out and start voicing hesitations. We tried making a go of it for another 6 months after those initial doubts, then split. Then he came back in Dec feeling very lost, and it's been push-pull ever since. His reasons always change and vary as to why he has a hard time wanting to commit, but essentially every reason is rooted in a fear that he will lose his independence and identity. He had a lot of issues with being in the military (he hated the controlled environment, though he appreciates how it instills discipline), so I think some of that is coming into play here.

 

And prior to that.... two other relationships, but I was in my late teens/early 20's then and don't really find them relevant anymore since I was a very different person then. So.... like I said, I don't think there is a pattern, unless it's subconcious and I'm not seeing it.

[VAmama]

Just writing out my thoughts.....

 

6 days NC, other than the text he sent on my bday. It's hard not to call or text or email, wanting to try to patch things up, but not as hard as it was when we first initially broke up last summer. We're not together now... but are we apart now too? I don't like the limbo and unknown; I want some resolution.

 

Yet, I know the space and time is good for him and me. It is giving me time to reflect, and him as well (tho probably less so since he has had a very busy week). I think I am at peace with the fact that I do not necessarily want to be involved with anyone at this point; I am happy to be dating. But to be comfortable with my ex in that capacity, I need for certain condition to be met. I don't necessarily want to end it, but will if need be.

 

I was out last night and ended up getting hit on by some guy. Turns out he went to college and is good friend with someone I went to high school with. This would't be very odd other than the fact that I am more than a decade out of high school and 3K miles away from there..... It was very validating for me in a way. Maybe me feel attractive and wanted, even if not by the one I want it from most. That there can be life after my ex. It is very tempting to want to just go out and date and be single and not have the emotional connection that I have with my ex that toys with my mind.

 

I am mad at my ex for showing frustration that I am still around. He said something to the effect last Sunday that " I feel like I'm going to have to make you hate me to make you give up on me". OHHHHH.... I am so mad. One of the only reasons I am still around is b/c of my loyalty him, a trait he has always claimed he admires in me. When he said that, I felt so taken for granted and unappreciated. Doesn't he understand the reason I brought up my fears is b/c I am constantly evaluating whether I should stay or go? If I wasn't always questioning, why would I even bother to bring it up? That I am constantly question if I shouldn't just walk away? I hate that b/c of his commitment issues he constantly wants to walk away, where as do to my principles and beliefs, I always want to work on things and try to find a solution. This puts us at constant odds whenever we are in conflict.

 

I am wondering if I shouldn't send just a short text or make a quick call to wish him well tomorrow on his race (even tho I think HE should at least call or text me to wish me a happy mother's day). Just to kind of "open the doors" so to say for communication; to leave the impression that it's okay to contact me when he's ready and he won't be attacked. But then I struggle with whether it's best to do that; if I shouldn't maintain space and make him wonder.... if he's checking my facebook page, he'll see my high school freind left a comment about his friend picking up on my last night. Will my ex see that and wonder... gee, she's not sitting at home mopping about me, and other guys apparently value her.... maybe I should get moving on resolvng this?

 

Sigh. I'm getting out of here in a bit. Mani and ped, and then eats and a beer down the street while watching some sports games. Tomorrow brunch with my folks and son, and then maybe a movie and ice cream with my son.

[catt417]

One of the things you need to do is stop questioning, it will make him think "oh no, insecurity". Whenever I question my bf, he says that I am accusing him of things, and I tell him that I ask to understand or to clarify things...I think these men love being in the drivers seat, so to speak, but dont want to explain their actions in any way, shape or form. Ive got a guy just like this one. I stopped asking and he cant figure out why...

 

I cant believe he actually said that he was gonna have to make you hate him, for you to leave it alone!!! Mine once said to me that he wishes I would just forget about him because he doesnt feel like he can give what I need. I agreed with him and said ok, I will forget about you then. That was when we had the NC period for 2 months...Obviously, he was the one who couldnt forget about me because he ended up contacting me...

 

Stick with the NC, prove to him that you can forget about him if need be. I know its driving you nuts, you count the days and the hours, but stop counting!!! I just used to tell myself, he will call, I know he will. I would also tell myself that I was too good for that crap if he didnt call. You never know, he may be thinking the same thing, that he cant believe you arent calling him...It will eventually wear on his ego, this man that thinks he has you wrapped around his finger...Do not do it, stay strong, just as strong as he can be...

 

I know Im babbling on, and I am not defending him in any way, shape or form but....this man looks at your questioning him as blah, blah, blah in his ear. He looks at your relationship issues with him as love me, love me, love me...Do you know what Im saying? It is nothing that you are doing wrong, but I think that this is where the break comes into play..."Hey", hes thinking, "I dont have to listen to that, I dont have to answer 100 questions, this is great"!!!

 

You need to leave him alone until he misses you and starts to feel bad, like maybe I did owe her some answers, maybe I should answer some questions to clarify things...If you call him, he may just think...here we go again!!!

 

Do you know what I am trying to say? It is just some food for thought...I hope it helps..

[catt417]

Oh and BTW, let him worry about resolving it, hes the one that did this..

 

Just a quick note on some of the other post, I know its discouraging to have people tell you that this isnt a healthy relationship, move on...My thoughts are different than that.

 

Some people just dont know how to deal with certain situations. My ex was married for 17 years and he didnt know how to handle anything when we got together..He had this "women are disposible" attitude because he got screwed over sooo bad. I had alot of work ahead of me and the more I have held my ground, yet was there for him, the better things have gotten. In other words, I think there is a fine line between standing up for what you believe in and trying to understand where someone else is coming from...Its about compromise and not everyone is good with things like that...In the beginning or in the end.

[VAmama]

Thanks Catt417

 

I agree- I will not break NC. This is on him this time..... he told me he needed time to process everything with his head and not his emotions, so I am going to respect that. It will be a week today however...... and what bothers me about it, is that after a certain point in time, I find "space" a little immature. Talk and resolve things. Don't drag it out. Don't make space a game.....

 

And I think this is why I am struggling. All signs point to the fact this man is commitmentphobic and possible emotionally unavailable. Or am I just labeling him so it makes it easier for me to understand why he says and does certain things? And can I deal with that? Maybe now.... but for an extended period of time, if not forever? Am I just enabling his bad behavior at this point by putting up with it....?

 

These are some of the things I am thinking. The others are more or less like you say..... we are all wired differently and have different needs. This is how he is and I either need to accept it and find a way to deal, or move on. Do I want to be involved with someone who will run away anytime I ask a question of him, call him out on something, or establish a boundary to make myself feel more safe and secure?

 

I know men don't like to hear about how us women feel insecure..... and I have very rarely, if ever, spoken about feelings of insecurity, or really, any particular needs of my own, with him before. But if I am finding it to be a legitimate feeling within me, and not just due to some hormones or whatever, and I work up the courage to tell him that (cause I actually pride myself on being quite strong and independent and it's not easy for me to show weakness).... if I do all that, and he flips out.... who's really in the bad here? I don't want to stifle myself and my legitimate feelings. And he should be mature enough to handle that. I don't want to enable him by turning the other cheek and say "Okay, so you can't deal. I will just sit here and deny my feelings and pretend they don't exist....".

 

I'm just confused. If and when he does call, part of me just doesn't even want to pick up the phone and call... I don't want this drama.

[catt417]

If he cant deal with it, let him go. If he cant love you like you deserve to be loved, let him go. Right now he is either thinking he cant, wishing he could, or not having the desire to. Either way, you will find out eventually. There is NO use in you trying to show him just one more time, that you truly love him...Let him show you..

 

I know what your thinking, a million and one thoughts are going through your head. Does he really love me? Like you said, that this "space" thing is stupid and immature! How can he do this to you and is he enduring any suffering? You will find that all out in time, all of your questions will be answered. I think that women can be very strong, until it comes to a man that has their heart. I have left a few men, that would do anything and everything for me, when it was too late. Yet for some reason, I cant leave the guy I am with now, the guy who acts like he will never do everything and anything for me. The guy who has left me too, to have his stupid space...However, last time he did it and came back, I told him I wasnt sure if this is what I wanted anymore. There were nights that he was sitting in my driveway, telling me he would sleep in his truck. I even lied and told him I had met someone. It probably hurt me more than it hurt him. Yet, I needed to teach this guy that I cant be toyed with like that. I told him if he EVER told me he needed time to think again, to not bother, because I would not be around when he came back..

 

It is ridiculous. I have a gf that ended up marrying a guy that would do the same thing to her. He wouldnt answer his door and she would go over there and beg and plea for him to talk to her. She believed that if she just didnt go away, he would realize that she really loved him and he would be hers forever. She got him alright, she married him and he is an unfaithful prick that takes her for granted. I swore I would never be like she was. Thats why I dont call, dont go looking for him, and just pretend I dont care. I dont want him to think I would go all out, just so he could **** on me again and again.

 

I dont know if any of what I am saying is helping you, but I know that it helped me when I had people to talk to when I was going through this stuff. It helped me pass the time, think about things and realize that it shouldnt bother me as much as it was. You are offering him unconditional love and a precious gift, and he should be appreciating it much more than what he is...Good luck, my dear.

[Ayla]

Hello. I wrote earlier, mentioning that my ex bf is a commitment phobe. All the thoughts you are having are perfectly natural-I am still feeling them 6.5 weeks on. I have not heard from him in 6.5 weeks. All I know is that he is hardly ever home. So to me this says that he is running away from everything.

 

The thing with commitment phobes is that they run on their own time schedule. Because they fear losing their identity and their freedom and because they are selfish - no matter how much they love you, how good you are together or the fact that you were the worlds best gf-they will keep running away, and let that rule their actions.

 

I really like what Catt has written- both of our guys should appreciate what we are offering. More than likely this will happen-just not to our schedule, and more than likely when it is too late.

 

You are doing really well!

[VAmama]

Thank you both; I appreciate the thoughts and feedback as I more or less journal out my thoughts each day in order to kind of sit back, assess, and reflect....

 

I did get another text from him today. 3:17pm, "Happy mothers day (initials)!" I mean, really? That's it. I guess some say I should be happy with that, but to me, it shows such minimal amount of effort. The dude I met when I was out having drinks Friday night did the same (sending me a happy mother's day text). Does my ex really think after almost 3 years that he can continue to put in the same level of effort as if when he first met me? Granted, we're technically not talking, but still... grow a pair and at least pick up the phone and leave a nice message.... but the fact that he can't, or won't (since his folks are around and might hear!) is just WAYYYYYY immature and childish in my book.

 

I was talking to a friend about it tonight, and complaining I feel like I am in limbo, and he was like.... you know, you can just move on without having that conversation with him. I think I will. I will live my life, date, and my ex can take his sweet time to contact me, thinking I'll always be here, and if and when he does contact me, and I have moved on, shame on him for taking advantage of my love and compassion and understanding and taking it all for granted!!!!

 

I think even if he does call, I am going to tell him I need time at this point b/c I am not sure about the relationship anymore, realize I am way upset and mad at this point and don't want to respond to him in any way, shape, or form, on those emotions, and need my space now too. I will bet it will be the shock of his life....

[You'reasian]

The only reason I'm still hanging in there in the current situation I believe is b/c I have a plethera of memories of what my ex can be.... and there was a long period of time where I believed in him, perhaps blindly. I never believed in my son's father the way I do of my current ex, and I think that is the only reason why I'm still hanging in there despite my severe reservations at this point. I no longer believe in my ex blindly however, but I do believe in what he is capable of. I do believe he could get past this, if he truely wants to put in the work (and he has shown spurts of doing that). But the negative associations are getting stronger for me every day, and I wonder if my ex really doesn't just need to be alone in order to truly grow. If he doesn't truly need to experience loss.

 

And not to mention I don't feel like my love is truly being used, valued, and treasured in the way it should be at the moment. I feel like I have this incredible gift of love, compassion, and understanding to give, and it is being wasted in the current situation. So maybe it's best for me to leave so that I can give my gift to someone else in time (and to myself in the interium).

 

Anyways, thanks to everyone who has continued to read and provide comments on this thread. I welcome it and it has given me food for thought. It feels good just to get my thoughts out and down for me to review and ponder as I struggle with deciding what the right path is for me. I don't fear being alone; I enjoy my solitude. I don't fear never loving again; I know I will. I just can't envision him not in my life.. cause even during the period we were broken up and apart, were were still in very LC and it still felt like he was there walking through life with me... I can't envision him not in my life in any form or capacity... I feel such a physical energy and mental and emotional connection to him when we're together and when we're apart (and I know he feels the same), I just can envision that going away. It's not something I take for granted...

 

VAmama, you sound like a magnificent woman in your capacity to love. Sorry that things are going rough for you, but I'm sure you guys will work things out the way they need to.

[catt417]

I agree with your friend that is what you should do...Its either **** or get off the pot as far as the bf is concerned...

 

I should talk, I am with a guy for 3 plus years that I have lived with, not lived with, dated and not dated...It is nothing stable. I, however, have managed to sustain this "If your going, be gone" attitude and it is not a fun way of living life.

 

I just wrote all of my feelings out on a piece of paper tonight. I mean, this guy knows my family, gets along with them, has done things for them, but cannot give me any form of real commitment. I DONT want to be that girl that posts something relating to "My bf of 8 years wont marry me, what should I do?"

 

Ok, this is my thought for the day, if my bf or your bf met a "Carrie Underwood" type and thought this is the catch of a lifetime, would they still be commitment phobics? Or would they **** or get off the pot then? I just cant understand guys like this. Is it that they are always searching for the "perfect woman" or that nobody will ever be good enough to settle down with?

 

I dont know and I am to the point that I dont care anymore. Im just sick and tired of feeling like my man is the one that calls all of the shots. I told him the last time he left and came back that I didnt want to live together and that he is to call before he comes over, trying to gain some form of control over what happens. Now, it feels like HE decides when he is going to spend the night....Lose/lose situation!

 

Is it really worth all of the aggrivation and questions? NO..not when there is someone out there that will want the real deal with you...Oh and thankyou Ayla for the compliment!

[catt417]

I guess my point in telling you everything I just did, is even if he comes back to you and tries to work it out, there are no guarantees that if you ever live together, he wont be just as wishy washy...Then its worse, because they move in and out because they "need space". Pathetic, isnt it?

[VAmama]

Well... of course there are no guareentees. This is something my ex and I go back and forth over. My ex is looking for guarentees; for a certain level of "probability" that he feels our relationship will succeed. Then he feels he can commit. Then problem with that reasoning is there is no guarentees in life.... it's absolutley crazy to think we'll know how a particular situation in life can turn out. Would people really get married if they knew that they would later divorce? Or a spouse will get cancer or die? Or a partner cheats? So I feel like I am banging my head up against a wall with my ex, cause he wants a guareentee it will work out and I tell him there is none, he has to take a risk. I tell him he could commit to me if all the "factors" are in place... and then I cross the street the next day, get hit by a bus, and die. Could he factor that in too? No. And so he is too afraid to take that risk and possibly be let down and disappointed. And so we go around and around arguing about it...

 

The one thing about living with a bf..... I've done it twice. Will never do it again. First, I don't feel it is fair to my son (esp. in the case it does not work out with my partner). Second, I think it places too much stress on a relationship (it's a huge adjustment) and I think without a solid commitment (i.e. marriage), it's too easy to want to throw in the towel and give up.

 

I am having a hard time today. This morning I saw my ex's mother posted on her facebook page that she, her husband, my ex, and my ex's aunt and uncle are all going to a beach location over Memorial Day weekend. This is news to me. My ex never mentioned possibly doing this before. While granted, it is with his family, and for that I am happy, it still upset me for some reason. I guess I see it as a sign that he maybe trying to move on. So I am struggling this morning; really, I mean, tears and everything. I was SOOOOO mad at him all last week. Now today I just feel like crying- at work nonetheless. I am feeling completely insecure and unlovable, and I don't know why, cause I know it's not the truth. But I still have the thoughts and feelings right now.

 

I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation. I can't be happy with my ex cause he won't commit, but I know I won't truly be happy on my own either. I can do all these things that make me happy.... I can go be with friends, spend a ton of time with my son and family, pursue interests, go travel. Yet..... I long for someone to love me. To want to share a life with me. To be my partner, next to my side, supporting me and caring for me, as I go through this journey in life. I feel that void every day that I don't have it. I deserve to be with someone and for the life of me can't figure out why I am one of the only one of my friends who is still single. Everyone tells me I am so nice and understanding and compassionate and strong.... you would think I'm such a catch. And yet..... no one feels the same about me as I do about them.... I want it all, and yet, it eludes me.

 

I dunno. I am rambling a bit here. I just hurt. I am tired of hurting. I want things to go back to the way they were before my ex started freaking out over commitment... to that point in time where it felt like everything was going in the right direction and we would be together forever. I have felt so lost ever since..... and I am so tired of the B.S.

[catt417]

Im sorry you are having such a hard time today...When me and my ex used to break up, he would go to the beach bars as well. But listen, it doesnt mean that he isnt missing you or thinking about things. Yes, you are worthy of more than this and you deserve it, maybe he knows that. You have to continue to move forward and make things better for yourself. Things will be ok. The one thing you have to remember is that you were ok before you met him and you will be ok after he is gone. I often think that the love of your life would NOT do this to you.

 

Of course there are no guarantees but what I was saying is that these are all warning signs. I dont think that people that get married have the warning signs that guys like this give. Often, when they say they thought things through and they are ready to settle down, something else comes up that they have to think about. Its so ridiculous that they have to cause so much drama in the relationship.

 

Hang in there lady, so what, hes going to the beach with his relatives!!! Make plans of your own and have a good time. Love will come along eventually and it will not be like this!!! I dont have to know you to know that you deserve WAY BETTER than this!!!

[VAmama]

I hear ya Catt417- thanks for trying to boost my spirits!

 

I am doing better now. Guess I just needed a pity party for a couple hours there. I didn't sleep too well last night, so that could have played into it. Haven't been to the gym in the past week either; I really need to sleep good one night, eat decent, and then get myself back into the gym- I know it will help with the moods.

 

Now.... I'm thinking.... well, maybe I am being a little ridiculous. I do know he has had an insanely busy schedule the past week...

 

Why would he pick up the phone and call with such a crazy schedule that he hasn't been free any evening since last Tuesday until after 10pm, if not later. It's not like we'd have any decent time to talk.

 

I dunno. I think I'm just tired of being angry today. I never stay angry long. After awhile, it just eats at me and I have to let it go. I get too tired being mad.....

 

But you are right: i do deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me the way I deserve. I just wonder.... all relationships go up and down. When is it enough?

[catt417]

Enough is enough when you decide its not worth it anymore.

It is enough when you are the one putting in most or all of the effort.

Enough is enough when you just dont look at him the same anymore..

It is enough when your heart have been damaged too much...

It is enough when you loving him is a complete waste of time!!!

It is enough when love feels one-sided..

 

Enough is enough when you let the butterfly go and it doesnt return or survives too long without you...

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough...but dont leave it up to him!!! If you call him and he rejects you, its his call. Make it YOUR call and walk away with your pride.. Im proud of you!!!Your doing so well!!!

[catt417]

Maybe he is busy...but do NOT make excuses for that. You know that it only takes 5 minutes to call someone and if this was eating at him bad enough...he wouldve taken that 5 minutes to call. I used to make excuses for my ex to make myself feel better...You will feel better in time and looking at things for what they are will help you heal quicker.

[VAmama]

I agree..... I am making excuses. A text is more than nothing, but it still is minimal effort.

 

I am still feeling.... well, not as confrontational. There are spurts where I am feeling taken for granted still and all that. But.... now, I wouldn't call it indifferent.... I just want to talk. I want to hear what he says, I want to say what I want to say. I would be lying if I didn't say at this moment in time, I want to fix this and move on. I would be upset if he chooses to walk away, esp. cause I know I can never go back to him again if he chooses to walk again; I would have no respect for myself. So I just hope that with this time and space he is able to miss me, realize my worth, realize how empty he may be without me, and want to work on this. I want him to "hear me" with this space.... to see that I was more scared and insecure than angry at him.....

 

I just want to talk and get it over with at this point. He wouldn't have sent me the texts if he was really mad (trust me, I know), but I wonder now if he's waiting on me since my replys to him were short, curt, and much delayed, though polite. I very possibly may have left him with the impression I was not receptive to his overtures.

 

Yet.... I know I should continue on and stick to NC. Within a few days, I am sure his ego will take over and need to be reassured.... I hate the wait.

[You'reasian]

Maybe he is busy...but do NOT make excuses for that. You know that it only takes 5 minutes to call someone and if this was eating at him bad enough...he wouldve taken that 5 minutes to call. I used to make excuses for my ex to make myself feel better...You will feel better in time and looking at things for what they are will help you heal quicker.

 

I'm agreeing with Cat here.

 

If someone is important enough to you, they'll pick up the phone and call you - how hard is it to take that 5 minutes and do it?

 

You do deserve the best.

 

I really hope this works out for you, Va Mama.

[VAmama]

Thanks. I do agree I am making excuses. However....

 

my mind today thinks I am operating on MY ego at this point. My wounded ego more pointedly. And that's the only reason I haven't contacted him in an attempt to resolve things, and was short to him in my delayed reply's to his text's. Is that the person I want to be? Or do I want to be the better person? Essentially, are I not behaving like him at this point?

 

Why should it matter at this point who contacts who, when all I really want is some resolution. If he needs more time and space, he certainly should be able to tell me that. If he's ready to talk, then he can tell me that too. But why should I have to wait for him? Isn't that him controlling the situation too?

 

This is ridiculous, and I am playing games now too. The longer it goes on, the more I am getting spun up and I need to live my life and move on from this.

 

VAmama

[Ayla]

Hey,

 

I hear everything you are saying and completely understand how you are feeling. I am feeling the exact same thing. Some days you feel strong and other days you just feel like curling up and dying (not literally). He is in your head every minute and you analyse everything. wondering what he us doing, why, where, why won't he call, should I call him and it just goes on and on. That is how I am feeling and it drives me mental!

 

From the research I have done on commitment phobes, contacting them only will push them away. They need to work it out for themselves and if/when they do, they need to then work on themselves....before wonderful loving women like us should consider taking them back. What I have done 3 weeks ago was I messages him in facebook chat and said that I wanted to speak with him. I also told him I did not hate him (the reason for this was cos I told him I hated him out of hurt and anger). I then left it at that. The ball is now in his court. He is not man enough to contact me cos he knows he hurt me badly and did the wrong thing...despite the fact that he us not coping too well.

 

I am not going to contact him because it will give him the power, and it will also imply that I am not coping well without him. Commitment phobes likevtheir women to be independant.

 

I know you are hurting, but you can do this. Stay strong. Some men are good at hiding their feelings and running away. My ex great at this.this love him to bits and feel lost without him. I just found out I got a job (yay) after being back in my home country for 3 weeks-and the only person I really want to tell is him, it feels wrong not telling him. BUT I know him and I know he would be so proud of me, and I am showing my strength.

 

We do deserve better, we do deserve to be loved fully. If it us not with him -then itvwill be someone else. Who ever it is will be so lucky. And regardless of when-our exs will regret their decision and they were the luckiest men alive and the stupidest men alive to have given us up. By then we may be so happy in our lives, we might not want them...

 

We can do this!!! Sorry I might have rambled. Please don't contact him...

[catt417]

Umm, no your not playing games. How do you figure that? It is ridiculous on his part, not yours. He asked for space and you gave it to him. It does matter who calls who, because obviously you are more afraid of losing him than he is losing you. If you call him, sure you are looking for answers, but in the same aspect, it is saying that no matter what he does to you, you will be right there waiting. Im sorry, I guess I just dont let a man "take a break" and then reward him for doing such by calling. I let him crawl back to me. And then they are at your beck and call to give you all of the answers you were seeking because they want to get back into your good graces. Isnt him not calling giving you some kind of answer? I think he is selfish and unfair, and I hope that things go well if you call him...Im wishing the best for you.

[catt417]

Ayla,

 

Congratulations on the job, Im happy for you!!! And you have been very strong with your ex and everything you said was true. I learned from a very wise woman that men HATE it when you dont contact them because they HATE the thought of you actually being ok without them, and worry about you moving on. They start to wonder if you have met someone else, they start to feel like they lost the only security blanket that they ever had, and yes, they fear that someone else may be lavished with your love. I dont doubt that these men are capable of love, but I doubt how far they can go with it....with anyone. The only way to change this is to show them what life can be like without you. If they love you enough, they will find it within themselves to give you what you deserve. I just told my bf of 3plus years to not even think that Im gonna be one of those girls that post "Ive been with my bf for 6 years and he wont marry me, what should I do?" I told him I would leave him before I let that happen...I think in some cicumstances space is good, putting your foot down is good, and hope they wake up and smell the coffee. If not, live goes on. Good job girl, stand your ground and good luck with the new job.

[VAmama]

Yeah.... I hear you both. Again, part of this thread is just for me to journal out my thoughts... in the moment. Obviously they are ping-ponging all over the place. Part of this one was stemming from a conversation I had with a guy friend last night that I trust very much. He said he thought it might be a battle of stubborness vs. stubborness from what I said. He said that my ex HAD put out feelers twice in the past week and that just b/c they weren't in the form I wanted them to be (texts as opposed to calls), combined with the fact that I kind ignored both texts... that perhaps the ball was now in my court to establish contact in some fashion; that he thought my ex could be feeling rejected now too and waiting for me. He said I shouldn't get to hung up on HOW my ex contacts me, just that he does...

 

So it got me thinking about ego and stubborness and who should contact who. Like some people believe that a dumpee should never contact a dumper. Well, if I had listened to that, my ex and I wouldn't even be trying to reconcile at this point, b/c it was by ME, the dumpee, establishing L/C at a point where I felt safe and comfortable doing so that started that ball rolling. Had I let my ego do the talking, I would probably still be waiting for the ex to come crawling back. But by creating a "safe" environment for him, where he didn't feel like he was going to be shot down and attacked, he eventually felt safe enough to admit his feelings for me again...

 

 

I dunno. Just journalling out all the thoughts in my head rather than contacting him....

[catt417]

Everyone goes through those crazy emotions when something like this happens. Hey, I have a question for you...A thought, do you have anything that belongs to him? Hmm, I was just thinking that you could contact him about it as an ice breaker to see what he has to say...I hate the thought of a man feeling rejected after he more or less rejected you...Do you think he would blame you for being worried about contacting him now? My biggest fear for you is you contacting him and not getting the desired results. That would add insult on top of injury.

 

My ex contacted me(I told you) after 2 months of not talking. He used the excuse that he thought he should give me some money because he was always at my house and he felt it was the right thing to do. I told him I didnt want anything from him and asked him what the real reason was that he called. He said it was about money, thats all. We hung up and he ended up calling me back a couple of days later and told me that he was really wondering if I would get together and talk with him because he missed me and wanted to talk things out.

 

If you really want to contact him, I would ask him why he texted you..More than likely he will say that he was thinking about you and ask him what he was thinking? If he tried to give you a lame brush off just say ok, I will talk to you soon. More than likely, he will call you and tell you the truth. Thats just a thought.

 

I just feel really bad for you because I know everything about it from blaming yourself to trying to justify their actions and trying to understand the whole situation.

 

But, if you really want to call, and its sounding like you do, you could either mention something that you have of his, or ask him why he texted. Just trying to help...