looking for some male insight....

[catt417]

Maybe...just maybe, when you email him, you should tell him to give you a call and you can talk sometime...let me know what happens.

 

I know how the paycheck thing goes too with a new job. I started one this past monday and I will not get a check for 2 weeks either. Its aweful!! On top of that, I need to find a new place to live. I got into a fight with my landlord because my windows are soo old and broken that I cant even open them. I told him he needs to start fixing things or I will call who I have to call to get it done. He served me with a 30 days to vacate notice...after 7 years. So, I called the housing inspector on him and he has 60 days to fix this place up and cannot rent it to someone new until he does. So, at least it will be better for the next tenant. But...moving sucks and so does the situation.

 

Yes, I feel a connection towards you and V. I think its because we all know each other as good and true people. We genuinely love and care for people. Its sooo difficult when you feel responsible towards your job, your home, your family and towards your man and sometimes you just feel like, why doesnt anyone feel any responsibility towards me? Do you know what I mean? Every day we do what we have to do and it seems like men dont always seem so responsible. I told my ex, I wish I grew up in the old days, where men took care of stuff and the woman did her stuff at home. I told him I have no problem working, but why does it seem like your lucky if you find a guy with a car, a job, his own place, and no big relationship hang-ups?

 

What happened to the american dream? LOL. I think lawyers made it too easy to get a divorce and peoples morals have changed too much over the years...

 

Thats what I like about you and V. Your both just good girls trying to make something work and go the distance( you literally did) to make it work...How could I not repect you? LOL

 

X

[westrock]

Hi Catt...

 

Isn't it amazing how misreading just one word from a positive meaning to a negative meaning can lead to misunderstandings? I know you were just looking out for your friends here and you've apologized in your subsequent post, so no hard feelings here.

 

Just to set the record straight, when I wrote in my earlier post the word LS'ers my intention is that it is to be read as Love Shack users. I don't think of anyone as a loser and I'm not trying to sell any book. Since I saw VAmama made reference to some of the books she read, I was just sharing what I learned from that one book that I read and from my experiences with people I've known who have been in similar circumstances.

 

Anyway, I'll step back from this message thread if you think my postings are not helpful to the discussion.

 

I hope that clears the air and we're good.

[catt417]

Nope, dont back off, I think youve been helping Ayla alot. Yes, I feel like an idiot, I have just never seen it written as such and well, you know what I thought. Thank you, your a very cool person. I was afraid youd be mad back at me after I realized my mistake. I was in defense mode. Sorry.

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Wow, this was a really helpful thread. I hope you girls keep posting your progress. Westrock, that was such an informative post. Thank you. I hope your right about the way CP works. Everyone on LS advocates this NC rule no matter what as a "fix all" and this was eye opening. Thanks for taking the time to write it all.

[Ayla]

I am glad we are all sorted and got the misunderstanding behind us. Westrock, we really appreciate your contributions to the thread. So please do keep contributing. I think we are getting a really good helpful thing going on here.

 

V-how was your weekend? Was it good to get away? I hope tomorrow goes well for you.

 

Catt-I know what you are saying. Unfortunately I think that a lot of the time it is previous relationships that screw men up, and vice versa for women. There are so many good men and women on this site, it would be nice to see less heartache. Although it is a fact of life.

 

Dumper-welcome to the thread. Your user name is a little different. the way a CP's mind works might be very helpful, but I am well aware that the outcome might not be a reunion. What I do know is that I was not dumped cos of what I did/didn't do. At the time I do not think anything I could have done would have changed the breakup. I am glad that I did not push him for anything-otherwise that would have pushed him away. It has taken a lot of strength though!!

 

I will let you all know what I write in my email. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

X

[Ayla]

So this is what I was thinking of writing and sending tomorrow-it is night time here at the moment. Catt, V and westrock feel free to comment or edit.

 

Hi X,

I wanted to write and say hello and see how you were. I am ok, I have now found a job at an awesome company called X. I think you would enjoy the role-obviously at a more senior position!!!

 

It is pretty cold here and has been raining so much. The weather is so unpredictable, I am really looking forward to summer as you can imagine. I heard that X left work, so I am guessing that you have been quite busy...hopefully still being able to fit in some gym time.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to drop by, it would be great to speak with you. Hope you are ok.

 

Y

 

Is that ok? I cab flirt by email, but never in this situation. It's a hard one to write. I guess what is scaring me at the moment is him breaking up with me etc-the abandonment issues and the last conversation he had with me-where I said to me he did not love me. The only time he said it and it was over the phone (this was the same phone call where I told him I hated him etc and where he admired a 1nught stand the night before) despite me basically asking him to say it to my face. I do not think he meant it, but right now freaking out about it.

 

Sorry for the ramble. Let me know your thought and suggestions.

 

Thanks!

[Ayla]

Westrock-Catt has not been able to comment yet... Can you let me know your thoughts.

 

Thanks!

[catt417]

I think its good, however, its very casual. Are you sure that you want it to be that casual? I think it seems as if you are a friend that is concerned about his well being, which is very nice, but...do you think he may think, "Oh great, she wants to be friends with me now?"

 

Its so hard for me to say because I dont know him and Im sure I dont think like him. I think its very good that you put in there that you would like to talk to him sometimes. What would you think of telling him that he has been on your mind...Something like, "I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are" and in the end say that you hope things are going well for him and you would really like to know.

 

Just some suggestions, if you dont want to go that far, I understand...But I think those couple of changes make it seem a little more personal as opposed to a friend to friend greeting...Its up to you.

 

I think either way, if you have been on his mind as well, you will hear from him. I understand how you feel about the whole rejection thing. But hey, I dont think youve got anything to lose, right?

[Ayla]

Thansk for getting back to me! I was also worried that it was a little too casual. So I will change it. How is this?

 

Hi X,

 

I wanted to write and say hello. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Does thuis sound better??

 

I am ok, I have now found a job at an awesome company called X. I think you would enjoy the role-obviously at a more senior position!!!

 

It is pretty cold here and has been raining so much. The weather is so unpredictable, I am really looking forward to summer as you can imagine. I heard that X left work, so I am guessing that you have been quite busy...hopefully still being able to fit in some gym time.

 

Anyways, it would be great to speak with you. I hope you are ok, and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Y

You are right, I have nothing to lose, and if/when he answers it will only be a bonus. Let me know your thoughts on this version..

 

PS - thanks for your kind support.

[catt417]

I think in the end, it sounds too repetitive, such as I hope you are ok, it would be great to speak with you and I hope to hear from you soon. How bout something more along the lines as I hope things are going well for you, and Id love to hear from you. (or I hope to hear from you soon.) Either way it gets the message across without sounding like you are pleading too much to hear from him. What do you think?

 

And instead of telling him about the job, you could just say some changes have taken place in your life, dont be specific about your job. I think on that part you could be more casual because he isnt with you, and he doesnt deserve to know that much about you. Maybe raise his curiosities a little bit? Just a thought.

 

Either way, my thoughts are to change the end, just a little. Let me know what you think. Its no big deal if you change the part about your job, I just thought maybe he would want to know how things have been different for you, you know?

[catt417]

Hello X,

 

I just wanted to drop a line and say hi. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have been.

 

I heard that X left work, so I am guessing that you have been very busy, are you still finding time to go to the gym?

 

I have made some positive changes in my life and things have been going pretty well for me. I would love to share that with you. Its been pretty cold here and raining so much. I am looking forward to summer, as you can imagine.

 

I hope things are going well for you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

 

 

 

I have NO idea what you think of this version. I just tried to rewrite it a little. I really want you to raise this guys curiosity without telling him the

positives in your life. I want him to want to ask you about that part.

[westrock]

Hello X,

 

I just wanted to drop a line and say hi. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have been.

 

I heard that X left work, so I am guessing that you have been very busy, are you still finding time to go to the gym?

 

I have made some positive changes in my life and things have been going pretty well for me. I would love to share that with you. Its been pretty cold here and raining so much. I am looking forward to summer, as you can imagine.

 

I hope things are going well for you, and I hope to hear from you soon. Reply back or give me a call.

 

This is Catt's latest version with some words I added at the end (the part that says "Reply back or give me a call"). I agree with Catt that you want to raise this guy's curiosity, but you also need to give him some direct instructions (guys don't take hints well) as to what he should do with your email otherwise he'll receive it and might be confused as to whether it's okay to email back, call you, or what. This way you raise his curiousity, and give him some direction as to what you would like in the form of a reply.

[Ayla]

Thanks guys! As you can probably tell, I am quite nervous...not about the out come, but about sending it. Thanks for the advice-you are right. To be honest he most likely /almost definitely knows about my job through facebook anyway.

 

I am to send it today, so he will get it tonight. Keep your fingers crossed for me! If he does reply (I think he will)-great!!! If not he is just not ready and I will keep getting my life back in order

 

Hope you gave a great evening!

 

X

[catt417]

Nice touch westrock, my original version had something similiar that I deleted. Good job...Love it!!

 

Good luck Ayla, let us know. Were pulling for you!!!

[Ayla]

OMG - I just sent it. Talk about heart racing stuff - all over sending a stupid email!!!!

 

Now I ahve to focus on not checking my emails all day and tonight! ha ha ha. Given that i know he is working late everynight now a days - not getting home till after 10pm Hk time, I will most likely be asleep when he reads it. I guess that is a good thing. I am also aware he might not reply straight away.

 

Did I tell you he has also not sent my photo albums back to me yet? I forgot them when packing...

 

Oh crap!!

[catt417]

Ok, well that is just one of those things you will have to ask him for right? Thats the next e-mail, lets get through this one first...LOL.

 

Relax...everything will be fine...

[Ayla]

It isn;t bothering me that he has not sent them to me yet. Its weird, he asked our friend if he could ahve my address to send them to me, but has not sent them. I will not read into that. Oh well. Get through this first.

 

Thansk for calming me down

[westrock]

Ok, good on sending the email.

 

I suggest that you don't bring up the photo albums for now unless he mentions it, otherwise it looks like that is the reason why you're contacting him. Even if he brings it up, let him enjoy them for now but you will want them back at some point.

[catt417]

Agreed...That will come later..Maybe hes hanging onto them for a reason?! You never know....

[Ayla]

Yeah - will see what happens

 

Thank you - now you two should go to bed!!! I just had a beautiful lunch!!! Yum!!!

 

Will update you tomorrow, although as said before he might not reply straight away.

 

xx

[VAmama]

Hey there girls- sorry for not being around this weekend. Was busy and out of town and this is the first time I've jumped online since Friday.

 

Ayla- good for you for taking some initative. I know a lot of LS advise NC, NC, NC forever, and while I think it is good in the immediate aftermath of a break-up, I do not think it is good for the long-term, esp. if you are hoping for reconciliation. Sometimes one just has to put pride and ego aside and take some action; to me, it's usually the "bigger" party that has to do this (and usually the dumpee). The key to doing it is when you feel you are prepared for whatever reaction you may recieve. But to sit and stay in NC forever, while you hoping for reconciliation is a little passive IMHO. If you want something, sometimes you got to take action to influence events to your liking... nothing overboard or anything, but something small and simple like you are doing, in order to start communications and get the ball rolling. In the end, either way, you'll never be left wondering and regretting and thinking "what if....." Please keep us updated on what reaction, if any, you get to the email. I hope you hear back something from you ex.... at the very least, it will tell you he still has strong feelings for you and cares for you, but please prepare yourself if you don't (or, at least, not for a long while). I just want to make sure you're going to be okay no matter what.

 

Funny.... the story about the photo album reminded me of me and my ex when we split back in August. I went over to his place about a month after our break-up to get my things. He had gone through and boxed up most of my stuff.... except for one picture of me swimming with dophins. I asked him if he could find it and return it to me later. He said he would. A month after that, his bday rolled around and I called him to wish him well. He told me he had just found the pic and would return it to me. He came by a week later and gave it to me. It wasn't for another couple months before we started down the path that leads us to wherever we are now...

 

I guess the point of my story is... these things can take time, and an inordinate amount of patience. I thought raising children was hard and requires tons of patience, lol! This is so much harder!

 

As for me..... I didn't hear from my ex at all since Tuesday. No email, text, or call for all of Wed., Thur., Fri., Sat., and Sun. It bothered me a bit, but I just tried to ignore it, not contact him either, and just keep myself busy. It defintley helped to be out of town. Yesterday when I was driving back, when it was getting close to 5pm and I hadn't heard anything from him, I started getting annoyed (though also trying to tell myself to be patient- he had only just gotten back to town 3 hours earlier). I sent him a simple text, and about 20 minutes later he called me; he had been showing off one of his rentals to interested parties from 3-5pm. Opps! ;-) See.... my impatience getting the best of me when there was a very reasonable explanation as to why he hadn't contacted me yet.

 

I eventually went over to his place. We ordered in, watched some TV, talked quite a bit about our families and friends and such. No talk about us though. It didn't feel right to me.... I feel like I need to just give him some space and time right now and not push too much. I feel like he needs to be comfortable again before I can bring up anything about us... or wait for him to initiate (which, based on my history with him, he always eventually does when something is weighing on his mind). It was nice and comfortable and we were joking and playing around quite a bit. He was being fairly affectionate too, which was nice.

 

When I left this morning, he didn't saying anything to the effect of "I'll call you later" or "when can I see you again." It was kind of just like "okay, bye." (though said very nicely and affectionately). So I asked him if he would please call me sometime in the next few days, b/c it is something I acknowledge I need from him to continue to feel a little safer and secure in our current enviroment. He said he would. So we'll see. I saw he has tickets to two different shows this weekend, and is planning a day down at the lake on Saturday too. These are all things he would normally invite me to go to with him. So we'll see if he attempts to see if I am interested in going to these events with him this weekend or not. It will be very telling to me if he does or doesn't invite me. It will more or less determine for me where I need to go from here, and how serious he is about trying to reconcile with me, or if he's just kind of using me as a placeholder....

 

So that's it for now. Glad everyone else is doing well.

[Ayla]

Hey V,

 

Yep sent the email yesterday. I have not heard back form him yet, but I was not expecting something back straight away. He is a thinker and also cos he is so busy at work, he might not get back to me for a few days (he is working form about 9am - 10pm at night). I am aware that it might take longer - but I have now really opened the door in a genuine manner. So we will see what happens. I think he will reply or call me at some point soon. Patience is defintitely the key here - but I am not putting my life on hold - just going with the flow.

 

Please take it easy...the fact that you said "When i left this morning.." I am guessing that means that you stayed the night and also slept with him...can I make a suggestion...try not to stay over and have sex etc. I know you want to and it makes you feel closer and everything, but I think you should really hold off for a while. Don't give him everything. I am glad that at least he is talking with you and calling you, but like you mentioned at the end of your post - you do not want to be a placeholder. IMHO if you are giving him all of yourself then he has nothing to miss - if that makes sense. I am only saying this, cos like you i just want to make sure you are ok.

 

I think the 3 of us have become quite protective of each other!

 

x

[VAmama]

Yeah, he and I have been having sleepovers since we started reconciling back in December. We had a minor separation for a few weeks in Feb., but when we started picking up where we had left off I had a very clear and cut conversation with him that I was not going to be sleeping with him if he wasn't committed to seeing where things were goiing with me or if he was dating other people. I told him I view my body as something of value and that hasn't been given out to many people, and as such, if he wants it, he owes me that respect. He said he understood and could respect that, so I don't have qualms with sleeping with him. I am keeping one eye open however (just life experiences have taught me that, ya know?) I know this arrangement can lead to that (FWB, or a placeholder situation), so I am trying to balance the best I can while being true to my self and the nature of our relationship...

 

To be honest, if I were to withhold sex, again, it would be out of character. It's always been one of the more primary aspects of our relationship, and not anything I have ever done to him before (other than for the first couple months we were dating). I often wonder if it's not what keeps us coming back to one another in some basic form or function. He said to me back in March that he has been and will always be strongly attracted to me, so much he feels he can't help himself when he is around me, even when he knows he should. Selfish, yes, but honest I suppose. I can't say it's not superficially validating in some way either, that this strong, handsome, attractive man feels the same way about me in that aspect as I do him... Selfish on my part too a little I guess. We didn't sleep together at all when we were broken up, but once we started reconciling back in Dec., it was hard to keep it off the table for very long.

 

Know I appreciate your concern though Ayla. It's good, sound advice either way. :-) I think in the end of the day, if it were to come to us spliting up again, I don't think I will feel used in that way, as the physical was always a mutual thing and something I am able to engage in and appreciate separate from the mental and emotional. I think I will feel used emotionally, but that's all.

 

Glad you are doing okay. Keep us updated!

[catt417]

You know, I was kinda thinking the same thing Ayla said about the whole sleep together thing, as well. I can totally see her point. I see your point too. But it kinda makes it sound like, oh well, if it doesnt work out, we enjoyed the sex. Ayla is saying that she knows you have so many feelings for this guy and shes concerned that he may just be interested in having sex for now, because there is no "I will call you later". It just seems like you have gone from being a girlfriend to being someone that he is seeing. I hope that I am wrong, I hope he still looks at you as his gf, and as the one for him. You know what I mean? And Ayla, if I misread you, please say so.

 

I think what we both want for you, is for you not to let this guy have the best of both worlds or for you to become convenient to him. I dont like hearing you say, we havent talked about us, because if you are giving him your body, your temple, by all means you should be able to talk about "us". It isnt sex, its making love to the man that you love and you should have the upmost stability.

 

My bf and I have had alot of problems in the last three years. I wont lie, it got to that point to where I felt like he was doing his own thing, yet we would still get together and have sex. It went on for a while and I eventually had to say something to him. I told him that I felt like I was just another thing on his list of things he had to do. I didnt like the way it felt because while there was physical intimacy, I felt like the emotional connection was slipping away because if we couldnt talk about anything and everything, was this man my best friend, my soul mate?

 

I know you are hoping that everything will fall back into place, and I hope it does for you too. But if it gets to the point where you feel like you are somewhere on his "Things to do this week" list, Im sure you will feel the need to get things out in the open.

 

Bottom line is, while your physical needs are being met, are your emotional needs being fulfilled?

 

BTW Im glad you had a good weekend!!!

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Ayala, has he written back yet? I love following you guys. As for me, I had a 6 month push/pull relationship that I nicely ended 8 days ago. He responded to the breakup email with a long rambling message about how he's messed up in his own mind blah blah blah. I think he has commitment phobia, thus the push pull. I've been NC since the breakup. BUT I stopped at a light today in my car and there he was, walking down the street on the phone. We caught eyes, waved and he started to head to my car but I kind of waved him off, like "don't worry about it.." and he continued walking as I drove off. I feel like crap now and can't stop thinking about him. AHHH. Don't mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted to tell you a bit about myself and that I appreciate all your guy's insight!