Ayla Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Catt-you are spot on with what I was thinking. I have been in same position too, but different with a guy I was dating. I can see what V is saying as she feels she might be pressuring him to talk about 'them' and their relationship. Miss D -no I have not heard from him yet. He is a very proud man, and a thinker and very busy at work, so I am going to give it a few days. He is no doubt thinking about it and me. I will keep you updated. I am glad you are keeping up with us. Good little support we have. Was he walking past your place? Try to keep busy ok. Why did you not want to chat with him? Link to post Share on other sites
MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 thanks Ayala, I didn't chat with him because he was on the phone and walking...I was in a car driving but stopped at a light and I also made a lame goal of trying to do NC for 30 days, just to clear my own head and see the forest for the trees. So I was trying to stick to that..OH and I was also wearing crest white strips so I would have been embarrased talking to him lke that . (lol) In a nutshell, he has a history of not returning my messages timely or even at all sometimes, then we run into each other he asks me to do stuff enthusiatically but then doesn't really follow up, thus the push pull. He is recently out of a relationship with a woman he had a child with and even though he SAYS he's over it, I'm not so sure as he's very caught up in that situation and he also says he has clinical depression and sees a therapist. He was not walking past my house. He was going into a restaurant and I was going to my gym and we crossed paths at an intersection. Part of me wants to write him and say that I'm not ignoring him, I just need a little time and part of me wants him to feel rejected, as I did for months with the push pull not understanding what was going on, so ultimately, I feel a bit imobolized so I do nothing... (except whiten my teeth). Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Miss Dumper, I know it doesnt feel very funny, but i couldnt help but laugh when you talked about the whole crest strips thing, I couldnt stop laughing. We have all been caught in a situation like that before. I used to be so paranoid that i wouldnt answer my door if my hair or make-up wasnt done. Now, I just dont care..LOL I dont blame you for giving yourself 30 days NC, because this guy seems a little too messed up right now to have anything normal with you. Not saying that you cant eventually, but at the moment, I think it is an excellent idea. I know it hurts, but my honest opinion is, there was a reason that you had crest strips in your mouth. Everything happens for a reason. But I am sure he is thinking about you now and wondering why the heck you brushed him off like that. Dont feel bad, cuz it isnt a bad thing. Its a good thing that will make him think and leave him baffled. Pardon my french, but screw him for asking you to do stuff and not following through with it. Let him suffer!!! Anyhow, Ayla, hang in there. I think you will eventually hear from him. But I can honestly say if you dont, screw him too. I hope this guy opens his eyes and if he doesnt, hes not worth it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 thank you Catt. I think that's what I wanted to hear. That there was a remote possibility of him suffering, perhaps thinking about me, or wondering why I brushed him off because it was so hard not to reach out and then I felt guilty for being impolite. We always assume they don't care, are happier for our not being with them. As hard as it is, I will stick to my plan, crest white strips and all... Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Some people encourage NC on here and some think, what the heck, call him and tell him how you feel. Or in Aylas case, email him. I understand why people encouraged her to do that and I am fully supportive. However, in your case with this guy just getting out of a realtionship and getting therapy, he needs some space and you need to leave it alone for now. For your well being as well as his. Obviously he is pretty disfunctional right now, he has proved that by not even following through with plans with you. I think that he could only cause you pain and confusion at this time. Hang in there, things will work out the way they are supposed to. Stay strong!!! Give him space to get his own self together, and if anything, you will end up with a better version of him...Lets hope so anyway.. Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Look what VAmama started....This thread has 45 replies and a bunch of good advice from a bunch of kind people. Its funny how people can come together like this and relate to each other...esp.. when it comes to men!!!LOL...VAmama you better not disappear on us after you started all of this....I was thinking today, this thread holds us together,,,Geez, where do we go after this? Just a thought...I will always, for the rest of my life wonder what happened to each one of you. Thats the truth..I know where I will be, still trying to figure out my bf, but loving him in the meantime...LOL:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Sorry, 132 replies, 46 of them were from me??? Yikes... Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 It's awesome hey! I think in average we all have posted the same amount. I like it-it's good old honest advice without synisism and hurt getting in the way. Miss D I agree with Catt-for you nc is best at the moment. Even just to get your inner strenth back and confidence up. On my front-I have not heard from him yet. Again last night he was not home until after 9.30. It is a long weekend in HK starting tomorrow so maybe I will hear from him then. I think I will hear from him at some point-but when is anyones guess. I do not think that he is not replying cos he doesn't care. I am not getting down about it, because something is stopping him (be it work, pride or whatever). And I am still not putting my life on hold. Not sure if I am making any sense. Just woke u-I hurt my back and have not been sleeping well. X Link to post Share on other sites
MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Alayla, he may just be taking some time to think... Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 VAmama you better not disappear on us after you started all of this.... Nah, I'm not disappearing. Life is just getting in the way. The kid, the home life, and of course, work (it is a busy week at work). Just don't have much time to pop online till later in the evening these days.... Ayla- Hang in there. Take something for your back so it doesn't cramp your style today. I have a feeling you will hear from your guy eventually.... just not maybe on your timetable. MsDumperU- NC is best right now. Ditto everything the girls have said. As for me.... yes, Ayla, I am tending not to want to push too much right now with my guy. I see no upside to ultimatiums or other forms of pressure at the moment. I laid out my boundaries back in March (if he's with me, it means it's b/c he's committed to seeing where this goes and as such, is not sleeping or dating anyone else). He agreed to my boundaries, so I don't feel I should ask for much else at the moment. He told me back in March he needs space as we sort through all this, and I agreed to that boundary, as much as I struggle with it.... I think for me, I am okay with it b/c I know it's not about ME he's struggling.... or rather, it is, but it's too much of me, LOL. He has repeatedly said he feels like I am too much of a crutch for him; that he is too dependent on me, and he needs to get out and make friends and have an identity and life separate from me. I can understand that, as in retrospect, in our prior relationship we did spend too much time together-we saw each other 5 days a week and talked daily. Considering we both have busy careers and I have a young child, well, I look back and wonder where I found the time! So I don't mind his desire for space from me and actually think it's quite healthy for BOTH of us. I use to complain I had no ME time in our prior relationship, and now I certainly have what I wished for. But it's hard not to compare where we are at now to how things use to be and wonder if things are wrong or off with us- and esp. when we are in disagreement. I think that is what really is making this whole reconciliation period difficult for me and confusing. I do read on another site similar to this, and came across a thread where some dude was going through something almost exactly similar with his ex gf. The eventually reconciled and are even engaged now, but it was about a 3 year process from the split to be fully back together and openly committed. I do seek a lot of solace and guidance from the guy's thread, and try to employ his tactics (he more or less was available to the ex gf after he established some boundaries with her, but never kept the focus of his life off HIMSELF, and constantly put himself on watch for violations or actions on the ex gf's part that would demonstrate she did not eventually want to reconcile. Patience, absence of ego, and being selfish seemed to be the key to how the guy dealt with the situation, and I am trying to do that in my situation now so that whatever eventually ends up happening between my ex and me, I can handle it b/c I have not lost myself in the process. So, on that note, I did send a quick little funny email to my ex today. I saw something and thought it was funny and it made me think of him. I debated whether or not to send it, but then thought it was just silly to be having that conversation with myself. That if I wanted to send him something, I wanted to feel I could and it was okay, and if I had to have these conversations with myself over every little email, then something indeed was wrong. So I sent it and within a few hours my ex responded back playfully, and then asked if I had my son over the weekend. So maybe he's fishing to see if I want to do something. We'll see. I thought it was a positive sign on his part though. Alright girls, dinner is about ready and I got a hungry child to feed! Then I plan to read, draw a bit, and watch some TV with a cup of tea later in the evening. I'll return soon! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Yeah - I think my impatience is getting the better of me. He always said that I should not always expect people to reply immediately to emails or sms's - and I should never take it personally. He knows me so well - and what he said is so true....he said this whilst we were still together, cos I used get annoyed when people did not reply for a few days. I will hear from him - but like you said not on my timetable. Its ok - I think my back, and looking for a home and being tired might be getting to me. ha ha ha. This morning I did feel like staying in bed all day and not moving. only cos i am so sore. I am taking pain killers and applying lots of heat! V - I think you are doing really well. I think everyone is right, you and I are so patient. But you have been doing this longer than me!!! Hope you enjoyed your dinner and hanging with your kid xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 Hey there Ayla- how you doing today? Anything to report. As for me, as predicted, my guy did invite me out to dinner and to the concert he has tickets to on Saturday night. At first, I had all these typical girl reactions.... why didn't he invite me out with him Friday night? Saturday day? What's he been up too, what's he doing in all his other time.... and then..... The rational part of my brain took over, lol. He is giving me prime "time"., i.e. a Saturday night. He was very open about his plans on Sunday. He also offered to stay over at my place if I had a sitter for my son. This last piece is not insignificant to me, as my guy generally does not like going out to my place as it is out of the way (esp. considering his place is much closer to the concert location than mine). It also demonstrates to me a possible willingness and openess to my home life, which was an issue in the past. He likes my son and all, he was just frustrated at times in the past with my being a parent and feeling like he was not a priority due to all the responsabilities I have as a result of that role. I can think of very few times he ever suggested coming over to my place after our date if I had a sitter. So... baby steps? Maybe. I'll have to see... Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Hey V, no nothing yet. It is only 10am in HK, and given that it is the first day on a long weekend, i am guessing he went out last night and got plastered. Will see what happens. Not getting my hopes up - he will contact me when ready - and I am still moving on and getting my life back,,.and trying not to miss him too much. One of his best mates did message me last night which was nice. I am so happy for you that he asked you out on the Saturday night, I think he is making an effort. Don't worry aboutt he friday - he is just taking it slow and steady...that is good!!! Remember slow and steady - you are right about the prime time..and it is in public too! Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Ok - just need to get this out. I am feeling a little upset at the moment and am inches away from crying. I don't know why- but I am. It is killing me that it is a long weekend in HK and I am not there with him. Don't worry - I am keeping busy this weekend. Hangin with my brother tomorrow and my best friend on Sunday. Just a weak moment. x Link to post Share on other sites
MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 It's maddening isn't it? There are so many emotions to go thru. I get angry at how he treated me, then I miss him, then I want to make contact, then I think no, that I should never talk to him again. Then I want to date every man I see (weird), then I worry about him wanting to date every woman he sees. Then I fantasize about he and I making up, then I question every thing I'm doing and if Ive been 'nice' enough. I next worry that he has met someone else or is dating them, then realize I should meet someone else and date them but am scared to get over him. Then I think if I NC him long enough he WILL meet someone else and date them. It's rough. Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 I think that men feel the exact same emotions, they are just better at burying it so much deeper than we are. I remember feeling those exact same feelings when me and my bf werent together for 2 months. Every single one of those feelings, its like a rollercoaster that never ends...until there is a resolution. I felt like he didnt care, he was fine, maybe with someone new, didnt have a clue. Until I got a message from a good friend that he saw, telling her to tell me he loves me. I guess he was afraid to make contact first, with good reason. I honestly think that these men dig themselves such a huge hole and then dont know how to get themselves out of it. And they dont know why they dug the huge hole to begin with. I would bet that you were more than nice enough, he just didnt know what to do with your kindness. Some men, think that there is an evil plan behind a womans kindness(mine did) almost like shes too good to be true. I think other men just have a negative outlook on relationships, like, why bother? It is all going to go to crap anyway?? Some men will think of any reason, or find anything wrong with a girl, just to have his "space" These are the men that have their own issues and feelings of inadequacy. They have deep rooted problems that they are bad at sharing with their partner, so they write it off as something that she did, leaving her feeling bad, when it wasnt her fault at all!!! Im sorry about my punctuations, I am bad a running sentences...but I think you get the point. Dont second guess yourself, I used to have to tell myself that I WAS good enough to work it out with, and if he didnt realize it....then someone else would have to deal with his crap instead of me...I almost had to aquire that attitude, or it wouldve killed me.. Hang in there girls...things will get better, either way....just keep telling yourself that you are too good for this stuff and you were fine before you met him, and life will go on...When you least expect it, I bet they will call. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Hello, still nothing. Catt-my ex is one of the type that found anything he could so he could justify breaking up with. He became so negative-and said we had nothing in common (because there were certain sports I was not into). We had heaps in common, but he chose in the end to focus on the negative. The difference though is that he said that none of this was my fault. He said he new he should compromise, compliment me occassionally, say the words 'I love you'....he just didn't feel he had to cos he showed me. So when I talked to him about it-he would get defensive and say we had nothing in common. So yeah. When we broke up, our friends were surprised that he said that cos we always were doing things together, and he had no problem telling them he loved me. Oh well.... Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 My ex used to say the same thing, except his words were that we were "different" His meaning of different was that he liked to take off with his friends and not even have to consider my feelings as if he was a single man. I felt discluded. Its so strange how men and women perceive relationships so differently and have a hard time coming to a common ground. I started to not care if or when he went out with his friends and he just took it and ran. We would break up and he would come running back saying I was right, he shouldve included me more. Before long, it would go right back to the same old thing. I have come to the conclusion that alot of men, and Im not saying all, perceive a relationship to be based on their wants and their needs. As with your ex, who does he think he is to decide when to tell you he loves you? How did he know he was showing it enough? Mine used to say that too as he was walking out the door with his buds...I guess I was just supposed to know that he "loved" me? I hear so many women justify mens actions by saying, hes a grown man, I dont care what he does...but, shouldnt he care what the woman is thinking..or how she feels? I know a girl whos bf used to run around with other women and she would frantically search for him. She did it over and over again. I hadnt seen them in about a year and they came into where I was working. They had gotten married..I asked her why she married him after all she had been through and her answer was he promised he would remain faithful and that he had loved her and only her...Yea, so what, does he deserve a metal for it? Or her giving him the rest of her life? I think some men will try and see how far a woman will bend for him, so that his life doesnt have to change that much, yet her does. I used to tell my ex that I got to do all of his laundry, and he got to go out with his friends and have fun...Oh boy, what a relationship!!! Think about your past relationships that have failed, does it seem that they ended because he was thinking about himself more than you? As far as your ex goes, he will realize that you arent different, HE was the one making you different by putting a barrier between you...Thats the only major difference between you and him, you wouldve NEVER put any kind of barrier between you and someone you love!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 So true on all of the above...and so sad. I have no idea what made him become like this, but I do know there must have been something. His parents are still together, he comes from a stable home etc. It is so sad that he let the best thing he had go and all he had to do was compromise a little. It has been good being able to talk to my dad about it. Dad knows him quite well, and has said that he might love you to the moon and back, but he is so stuck in his ways that he can't get out of it...unless he realizes himself what he destroyed. That is why I know one day he will regret it. Weekend is almost over, and still nothing. I have had 2 missed calls from a private number and they did not leave a message. Who knows if it was him. Got a busy day planned today which is good. Hope your having a nice weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Your dad is right!!! He probably couldnt have said it much better. Like I said, some men seem to want to find a woman that fits into their plan, and yes, like your dad said, small compromises seem like a huge cramp in their life style. Its ridiculous...I remember my bf used to say to me, Why are you trying to change me? Honestly, all I asked him to do is consider my feelings when taking off with the guys...Hmmm...I used to say to him, If considering my feelings is trying to change you, I guess you dont want to consider anyones feelings then. Thats when he would say maybe he was better off alone. Kinda reminds me of VA"s situation. I told my bf to take a hike today...I am in the middle of packing and looking for a new place. I have till the end of June and yes, I am panicking about it. In the meantime, he went out with his friends last night, and today after he got out of work, he informs me he has more plans with his friends...this afternoon. The only difference is now he invites me...I flipped out..How about looking at places? How about helping me pack? Why is all of the responsibility on me??? I was sooo pissed!!! So, now I dont know if I am moving into a new place alone or what...and tommorow he has a b-day party for his daughter...fun, fun, fun, while I stress.. Ugghhh men, cant live with them, cant live without them. I told him, wanna be single, be single, but dont drag me along for the ride... Your man will realize what he has lost and will feel stupid..He just better hope its not too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Hey Catt? Are you feeling a little better today? I know how you feel in terms of looking for a place to live. In my case-thank god I have great friends!! It is good that your bf is asking you to come out with him. Do you not like going out or the way he treats you when you are out? Maybe you need to have a chat with him about how stressful this is and you need his support?...unless you have done that already?? Yeah-my dad is spot on. Even my ex agreed with my dad. He said that my dad was a smart man when I told him. Take each minute as it comes is what I am doing. Who knows what the future will bring... V-how was your night last night??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VAmama Posted May 31, 2009 Author Share Posted May 31, 2009 Hi Ayla- We had a great night. Then the bomb as I was leaving this morning. Can't write more at the moment, as I am trying to process it still. I am sick to my stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 OMG V. What happened? Are you ok? Thinking of you... X Link to post Share on other sites
catt417 Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 V-I hope your ok, as well. When you are ready to talk...we are here to listen. Ayla, I told my bf over and over again that its not a matter of me not wanting to go out with him. I have two boys 10 and 12 that I need to find a home for right now and its not feasible for me to pay a sitter to go out. He thinks its no big deal, I think its a huge deal. Not to mention the fact that there is tons of stuff that needs done. My back is killing me today from packing boxes. I have packed about 30 boxes and have a long way to go. I have filled every nail hole with putty, cleaned the carpets...he hasnt done anything other than get me boxes. He thinks he is supporting me, yet I feel like hes more concerned about what his friends are doing. I think, if he wants to get a place with me, WE should be looking for a place on the week-ends first...That is my #1 priority right now...You know? Finding a home, then maybe I would be ok with going out and having fun.. I guess thats all anyone can do is take is one day at a time. How are you doing? Im worried about V now and I know you are too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayla Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Yeah, I am worried about V too. When she is ready she will post. I'm sure she knows we are thinking of her. Lots if kisses for V xxxxxxxxxxxx You are right-he should be helping you look for a home, and pack!!! I am unsure what advice to give you, as I have not been in that situation. All I can say is that he needs to get his priorities right. I don't understand commitment phone men-they can love you so much, but they must have a stupid switch that flicks on and tells them that other things are more important/deserves attention-she knows I love her. Which is completely wrong. Maybe we could get that switch surgically removed! I hope your back is ok, put some heat packs on it ok? They really work. I am ok. I have heard nothing from him. It hurts, but like V said-he will contact me, just not in my timeline. So I am just going to focus on loving myself and keep moving on. X Link to post Share on other sites
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