What am I doing wrong?

[jesktm]

I have been married 10 years, I have 2 children. My wife says I need to decide what I want to do. I will start with her complaint list. My wife says I am selfish, I have my priorities all screwed up, I don't spend any time with her unless it benefits me or nothing better to do arises, she says I am a guy who never grew up. And I have to many toys. And one of the big things upsetting her now is, she says I schedule her days off, meaning I see what days she is off and I plan a day to do something for myself. Ok my defense and some explanations, we both work dayshift, I work 6 days a week, 5 days fulltime 9-10 hours a day and 1/2 a day on saturday. My wife works 4 days a week dayshift, on a random schedule she may work 3 in a row, 4 in a row, 2 in a row etc... her schedule comes out every month and is always dayshif the days just rotate around. So yes I do ask her what are you working this week, and yes I would like to have a day to go do something, maybe go for a ride on my dirtbike, maybe go watch some fights on a saturday with friends, I don't see how it is unfair of me to have 1 day a week to try and do something I would like to do, I only have 1 full day off a week, she has 3 to 4 days a week off. We both coach summer ball, she is with my daughter, I am with my sons team, this is 3 days a week + games for both of us, so not much time for either of us through the week. We both share the housework, I have always kept the kitchen clean, the dishes done, and help with laundry, and I do most of the yard work,all of the mowing, we have a large yard, 4 acres of grass to mow, plus weed eating etc... I love my kids more than anything on the planet, and do not want to lose them, hell I love my wife and have no issues with her, other than now that she has brought all of these problems of mine to my attention. She tells me I need to step outside and look in at my life and just how everything is about me??? I don't think it is. Now she wants me to make up my mind do I wanna be a grown up, or do I wanna move out? I mean I honestly believe I am a good husband, I don't hang out in bars with the boys, I seldom ever drink, if I do it may be having a beer with somebody in a garage while we work on a motorcycle. I am home most every evening, If I do go for a ride with my buddies on a sunday we are usually back by afternoon???? I don't get it, I don't run around, I don't party, I spend time with my kids, heck my kids think I am great!! What the hell do I do, my wife acts as if she hates me. And I'm afraid to do anything fun, because I will get the cold shoulder when I get home. I am just a guy who doesn't like to set around on the couch, I wanna do the things my body can do, while I am young enough to do them, and to be honest that doesn't really take up that much time.

thanks for listening

[jesktm]

I'm gonna add something else to this, I don't know if it matters or not but the first few years of marriage me and my wife would have a once a year fight like this, where I felt it was all going to end, then make up and good for another year, as time went on the argument would happen twice a year, the last 2 years it seems like this happens quarterly........ It is hard on me to always be worried and wondering when she is going to want rid of me again. It makes life really hard, everything will be fine and she will say something like we need to build a new addition on the house, or you need to make a larger garage etc..... etc... And in the back of my mind I'm thinking I would love to do this, but I am also thinking...for what in a month or so your gonna want rid of me again...ok I'm done complaining, I'll wait for some advice

thanks again

[Biggie25x]

It's simple really. You have a choice and it's either her or your friends. Which one is more important? I think you have been telling her loud and clear based on your actions that your friends and "your" time come first. I don't know many people that are happy in a marriage like that. Spouses should always be "first". Days off together should mostly be spent together, in my opinion.

 

Why don't you try being with your wife for 3 of the times you would normally go with your buddies and than go with them 1 time. Put her first. Isn't that what you promised to do when you married her?

[mommydrgnfly]

oh sweety i am so sorry. She should consider herself lucky.. atleast she don't have my husband..eek lol..sounds like a difficult situation.. does she trust u? Do you know? I mean if she has any insecurity's at all that will affect how she handles you going out without her..you know what i mean? Are you very affectionate towards her? And you guys are together every night right? Just trying to get some more information before i go into detail help lol.. you can also private message me if u like..hmmm..gotta think bout this one little more.. hang in there...

[Gunny376]

You big Lunk!

Women/people don't like you / love you because they "love" you! But because of how YOU make them fell about themselves when they're with you!

 

The wife is telling you?

 

Make me feel loved by you, wanted by you, needed by you, cherished by you, special! Make me your significant other ~ above all others!

 

She's wanting you to "date your mate"

 

She's wanting the guy that she fell in love with!

 

She's wanting to laugh and have fun!

 

She's wanting some romance in her life!

 

She's wanting to feel special ~ unique!

 

She's wanting spontaneity!

 

You need to get out of the "Married With Children" rut and back into being lovers!

[Admiral]

First off, using paragraphs may help.

 

she says I am a guy who never grew up.

You don't have to. Life is about fun. Go out and buy yourself a sports car if you want to. It's not being childish, it's being a MAN.

 

And I have to many toys. and yes I would like to have a day to go do something, maybe go for a ride on my dirtbike, maybe go watch some fights on a saturday with friends, I don't see how it is unfair of me to have 1 day a week to try and do something I would like to do,

Your wife is too controlling. She doesn't own you, and can't tell you what to do. Go out and have some fun.

 

She tells me I need to step outside and look in at my life and just how everything is about me??? I don't think it is. Now she wants me to make up my mind do I wanna be a grown up, or do I wanna move out?

SHE should be the one moving out. You earn the money (most of it.) You have done NOTHING wrong, she is trying to control your life and suck the little remaining freedom you have left. She is selfish, and has NO RIGHT to try to take the kids, should you divorce.

 

If I do go for a ride with my buddies on a sunday we are usually back by afternoon????

You know what's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. It's your wife who has the problem, NOT YOU.

 

And I'm afraid to do anything fun, because I will get the cold shoulder when I get home.

Screw what she does, go out and have fun. If she can't stop trying to be so controlling, you should divorce her, or be prepared for things to get even worse.

 

It's simple really. You have a choice and it's either her or your friends. Which one is more important? I think you have been telling her loud and clear based on your actions that your friends and "your" time come first. I don't know many people that are happy in a marriage like that. Spouses should always be "first". Days off together should mostly be spent together, in my opinion. Why don't you try being with your wife for 3 of the times you would normally go with your buddies and than go with them 1 time. Put her first. Isn't that what you promised to do when you married her?

 

^^^^ This paragraph above is BAD advice.

 

You only get one day a week of time with yourself and your friends a week, and this guy is actually telling you to spend MORE time with you wife. Giving in to your wife will only make her more controlling, and it will end up killing her attraction for you.

 

A control freak like her needs to be put back in her place.

[Biggie25x]

Admiral, you need to recheck your facts on what he said. They only have one day a week off together and he chooses to spend it with someone else. It would be one thing if she was okay with this but she is not. He should at least try to adjust. Maybe he will find out he enjoys spending time doing fun things with her. She is asking him to spend it with her. He doesn't need to give up his toys he needs to make her "first" in his life.

 

You need to bone up on what it means to be married. That when you are it's not always about you. I suggest going to marriagebuilders.com and read about what it takes to build a marriage. That is what is called being a man. Doing things you may not want to but NEED to. While she has more days off than him they still only have one off together. He has a family with children, they should and must come first. The path he is on leads one place and that's and unhappy marriage followed by divorce. What he is doing NOW is killing her affection for him.

 

Listen to what Gunny says as well, he's a master at this stuff, his advice is right on and has helped me a ton.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You are doing everything right.... to help run the household. But your relationship with your wife is whole different story, especially at this point in your lives where your every day tasks can be hugely overwhelming, for both of you.

 

It's time for balance. Make a date with your wife once a week whether it's to sit and talk or plan a vacation or weekend getaway. Get "into" the marriage and as Biggie and Gunny pointed out, this has to come before your buddies. One day off should be family time.

 

Every marriage goes through this stage, and alot of them don't make it. Mine did not. I wanted the bigger kitchen, but I know now that my ex didn't budge for the same reasons as you.

 

It IS simple. Listen to her needs and put them first. You're right about the garage. Building it won't make her happy. It's her emotional needs that are not being fulfilled right now. Good luck!!

[Admiral]

It IS simple. Listen to her needs and put them first. You're right about the garage. Building it won't make her happy. It's her emotional needs that are not being fulfilled right now. Good luck!!

 

Her needs shoudl not be put first if they are causing you misery.

 

They only have one day a week off together and he chooses to spend it with someone else. It would be one thing if she was okay with this but she is not.

 

The OP still living with his wife, he isn't living with his friends, so they only get to even see him once a week.

[Biggie25x]

It's not about who you live with and the quantity of the time spent together. It's what are you doing to make a solid foundation? Where is the quality time that is spent building the relationship? Not the family, not the building, not the "stuff" but the relationship part.

 

Reread Gunny's post, that is what a man needs to do to build a foundation.

[Gunny376]

To the OP I would suggest your read "Light Her Fire" a quick and easy read in paperback, and then the author's book, How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

"What it takes to get a woman, is what it takes to keep a woman."

 

"It takes two to make it, but only only one to break it"

 

Your attitude is perfectly correct in wanting to do your the things you enjoy doing and enjoy your hobbies ~ if you were single.

 

But your married now with children, and so what your going to have to do is look how your frame each weeks 166 hour into fractions of time. Time for the wife (which is further divided into individual / person / woman / lover), time for the children, (again as individuals / persons / children) and time for yourself.

 

The simple fact of the matter is that once you became married and had children? You became a part of something larger than yourself ~ a couple and a family.

 

Once you've got some new skills under your belt, you will find that small investments will yield large dividends in a short period of time. In the beginning the equation will read E = r, in which it will require a tremendous amount of effort on your part ~ yielding very' little results? (As with any human endeavor) but in time the equation will flip to e = R, in which very little effort is required on your part but will yield very large results.

 

In away relationships are like anything else ~ they require maintenance. You can either preform periodic preventative maintenance or major repairs later on because the "little" preventive maintenance was neglected for so long.

 

Hate to use a auto analogy, but what the Hell we're guys? You can get an oil change, rotate the tires, tune-ups, 3000, 12,000, 30,000 miles schedule maintenance and one can make a car last for a good long while.

 

Neglect it and you're going to find yourself sitting beside the road.

 

Most women really don't need nor want a lot. But little things really do mean a lot. Especially when you put a little thought into them, and you do them not because they're expected.

 

You've got to date your mate or your going to find yourself looking for a new mate.

 

Just out of the blue, get someone to watch the kids, and take her on a picnic in a beautiful location.

 

Take her for a Sunday drive ~ (you've got her "trapped in the car" so you've only got one thing to do? Talk! (aka ~ re-connect)

 

Get a sitter for the children and take her for a ride and don't tell her where your going ~ women love anticipation and surprises.

 

Go for a hike, but previously have taken the path yourself and hide little gifts along the way, (so no one can find them). It doesn't have to be anything special nor expensive? Hell it could come from a Jack-In-Box glow in the dark ring or stuff from the dollar store.

 

At least one weekend a year you and the wife should get away to a B&B. Just the two of you.

 

At the end of each day, the two of you should re-connect for the first thirty minutes you home together. The children should understand that this is time for Mommy and Daddy.

 

No going through the mail/bills, reading the paper, radio, TV, nothing, zilch, nada! Just the two of you. Spend the first minute just kissing, (no French Kissing. Kiss her for one solid minute, (Time it! Its a really, really long time!) Then kiss her for another minute, while kissing, pulling away, looking soulfully into her eyes and then kiss her again ~ repeat! (You'll be very surprise how this one thing will so much improve your relationship and your sex life!

 

SIDEBAR! Men naturally have more testosterone than women. Higher tesosterone levels in both men and women drives the sex drive. Kissing transfers the Male's testosterone to the woman via saliva! Thus why women put such a big deal in? You guessed it? KISSING!

 

A really good book to read? "The Two Minute Lover" for busy people that are married and have children. Another? "Notes To Each Other"

 

I took heart shape post it notes, and wrote "I love you!" and posted them everywhere I knew my last GF would go while getting ready for work. Inside the medicine cabinet, her in makeup case, inside her car, in her purse, inside her check book, (be careful not to invade her privacy) etc.

 

Go out on cold mornings when your both leaving the house to go to work and its cold and start her car and warm it up for her before you leave.

 

Pick up a couple of cheap roses the day before. From time to time leave them on the pillow when you have to get up for work before she does. Leave them on your pillow with a post it note, that says ~ "Roses are red, violets or blue! I'm at work ~ BUT, I'm thinking of you!

 

Do the same for her car, in the glove box with a post it note that says, "Open me!"

 

Don't ask her if she wants to do something ~ be a man ~ be tha' man, and tell her your going here, there, and everywhere. Not in a commanding way, but as in I'm gong here and I'm going to do this? I want you to come with me!

 

Its not what you do! But, how you do it!

 

Its all in the delivery.

 

I've a friend who raises cattle on the side whose got HB10 wife! I was floored when I spoke with her that its hard to find friends that are "into" cattle like we are? (They raise them, inseminate them, birth them ~ the works) "A" whose could easily be a Playboy Bunny doesn't hesitate getting into a pair of knee high rubber boots and shoveling manure.

 

Its not what you do? Its how you do it!

[Biggie25x]

Thanks Gunny, you have a way of explaining this that is fantastic.