New guy / feeling vulnerable and hate it

[befuddled1]

So I had a date with a new guy, this past Saturday night. I'd met him about a week ago, but to be truthful, I've met so many dingdongs the past few months that I didn't even have much enthusiasm to meet him...but I finally did agree to, and we had an awesome evening.....and then he took me for a nice long drive yesterday, it was so nice.

 

It's been a long time since I met someone I really felt a connection with. I guess it took me by surprise. I haven't felt such a physical attraction to a guy, like I did with him, for a long time, too. Wow.

 

Anyway, I find myself feeling extremely vulnerable and I can't stand it. I don't even know how to explain it. I'm very interested in him, and he's definitely expressed feeling the same way, maybe even moreso. And because it's been so very long since I met someone I had such an attraction and "connection" with, I suddenly feel this overwhelming sense of concern that I'll end up getting hurt. I don't know where it's coming from...I don't know if it's my instinct or intuition trying to tell me something, or I'm just being silly.

 

Perhaps part of concern comes from the fact that he got out of a long term relationship 2 months ago. He'd been with that girl for 4 years, lived with her for the last 2. He says he ended it with her because she quit her job and for 3 months, just lived off of him and the entire time they lived together, she never contributed anything to the relationship or the home....and when she wasn't working, she didn't even bother to clean up after herself.....and he saw a side of her that made it clear that she wouldn't make a good wife or mother. Well, this is what he says.

 

She apparently still has some "things" at his place.....apparently papers and stuff, in storage in his garage. He says she's called him a couple of times over the past 2 months, asking to come and get this or that.....and he *says* that he didn't want to be there when she came over, so he told her he'd just leave the garage unlocked and she could come by when he wasn't there. Do I really believe this? Why doesn't she just take EVERYTHING and be done with it? Don't people usually come back several times to reclaim things, because they want to keep in contact with their ex, in hopes of maybe reconciling? This concerns me. I don't want to get hurt. They have a 4 yr history together. He says his family liked her, well..his Mom sure did.

 

I asked him, if she were to come back and say she'd 'changed' and wanted to try again, what would he say? He said he'd tell her that's it..it's done, it's over, when he ends things with someone, he doesn't change his mind. Well, so he says, how would i know?

 

He assures me he's not on the rebound....that things hadn't been good for the 3 months prior to them breaking up (would have been 5 months ago).

 

However, when he sometimes talks about things she'd done or said in the past, he refers to her as "my girlfriend" (not something like "my ex" or "my ex girlfriend"..it's always present-tense).

 

I asked him when the last time was that she'd called him. He said she called him on his birthday, Oct 10th.....and left a voicemail msg, just wishing him a Happy Birthday.

 

Now I don't know, maybe exes DO still call and wish each other a happy birthday....definitely not something I'd waste my time doing, but not everyone is me.

 

But I can't help but wonder if she's wanting to get back with him?

 

He assures me he's definitely not "on the rebound" because I did tell him that was a concern of mine.

 

Yesterday after we got back from the drive, he came in and we talked and laughed and hugged and kissed and snuggled on the couch (initiated by him...in fact, he told me he very much wanted to kiss me all day)......it was about 6pm, we hadn't eaten all day. I told him I'd make us dinner. He had to have been starving, he hadn't eaten all day. Even by 7pm, he still told me not to bother making dinner.......I told him it was no bother. Then I suggested I'd just order chinese food and have it delivered. He said to me, "Go ahead, order it, you should eat..but I still won't eat."

 

He left my house at about 8:30pm. The stupid side of me, wonders if maybe he had dinner plans elsewhere? Why else would a guy who hasn't eaten all day, refuse an offer for dinner? (and he had previously told me he loved chinese food)

 

What do you make of all this?

 

How do I get over my concerns about the fact that his ex still has contact with him? How can I be sure it's not a mutual thing? Who's to say they don't get together once in awhile for a roll in the hay?

 

It's 9:30pm here. He called me at work today, told me he'd call me in the early evening, and asked what time I go to bed when I work the next day..I told him I go to bed around this time, as I have to get up at 4:30. He's not called.

 

I hate feeling vulnerable.

 

I'm usually so "tough"....and definitely not one to sit waiting by the phone, would never chase a guy, maybe even too proud to get all bent out of shape about a guy......but then again, it's been a long time since I met someone who, at this point, seems to right for me.

 

Any thoughts? Can anyone relate?

 

Thanks

[jenny]

hmmm

 

i am totally with you on feeling vulnerable. i hate this feeling more than anything; it's the first cause of disconnections for me

 

my limited expereince with men suggests to me that very few of them wil turn down food for any reason excepting true infactuation. he was just done for the day, love, at least i think so. whenever i have had a guy turn down my cooking is because he needed time to miss me in bachelor luxury. i think he's really into you, honestly, it totally sounds like it. you are a clear thinker; i think you would smell if something important was askew.

 

for exes, i do keep in birthday, etc, touch with most of them. if one had relationships where they are best friends as well..hell, i even sometimes half=room with one of mine and i can be assured of my own ethics, why not others?

 

assume yourself secure. if you are not, his loss, babies. keep updating -

 

cheers, j

[befuddled1]

I should add....

 

When I asked him why he didn't just round up her few boxes of papers and stuff, and take it over to where she's now living, just so that there's no need for her to keep making contact to come and get things, he said something like, "well the stuff isn't really bothering me.....I just use my garage for storage, anyway.......and I don't want to be mean because she's renting a basement suite and doesn't have much room."

 

So in other words, it would seem to me that he's not really looking to cut the ties, either.

 

I went through this years ago, with my ex husband...well, prior to us getting engaged. The gal he'd been in a long term relationship with, prior to me, they'd also lived together, in his home. After several months of he and I dating, he asked me to move in, and I did...and everytime I turned around, I was finding something of hers....her mail, her hair accessories, her pictures, cards from her to him, pictures of them together, just stuff that obviously wasn't hers. It bothered me but I didn't want to appear insecure so I tried to blow it off. But then she started coming around to his place, asking him for "whatever" and next thing you know, she'd be crying...and he'd be talking quietly to her, at the door..and I couldnt' hear what was being said.......and I felt very awkward and uncomfortable. On one occasion, it really did get to me.......and I told him so...and he loaded up stuff of hers and said he was going over to where she lived, to give it to her, to get rid of it all. He was gone for quite a while. It was hell for me, being there at home, wondering what the hell was going on.

 

Her mail continued to come to the house..and she'd sometimes still phone asking if there was mail for her..I finally had had enough, and I loaded up her mail and went down to the store she worked at, and kindly asked her to please get her address changed at the post-office because it was really quite stupid for her mail to still come there, and that she needed to cut the ties.

 

 

Anyway, I guess the current situation reminds me of this, and yeah, it does make me feel uncomfortable. The last thing I want to do is put myself into a situation where the odds of getting hurt are great.

 

??

[cindy0039]

Wow, sounds like you had fun and really liked this guy. That's a positive. I guess I'd say try to follow your heart and if you feel a little hesitance, then you should listen to it. My advice would be to not rush things and don't let HIM rush things, if you know what I mean. No reason to immediately start seeing and talking to each other all the time. And definitely hold out on the sex part until you know where you stand in his life. That might help a little in the "hurt" department if you decide he's not ready for a real relationship yet. It sounds like that's what you're looking for, but I might be wrong.

 

It's always wise to get to know the person really well before making any decisions about whether to sleep with them. But you're an adult and I'm sure I don't need to tell you this. Just keep on enjoying the snuggling and kissing and talking and laughing. I think you're on the right track. And don't worry about him calling. He probably got busy and then didn't want to call too late. I mean, you just saw him yesterday. You don't want to seem too eager right away, ya know.

 

And I definitely wouldn't bring up the topic of his ex-girlfriend at all. Then you'll just seem jealous or worried about her or whatever. If he keeps bringing her up and calling her his girlfriend, I would maybe point it out nicely when you get a chance and tell him that it kind of bothers you. Just be honest with him. That's what good relationships are all about...honesty.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[befuddled1]

Oh I certainly won't jumping into bed with him! I've never been one to rush into that anyway, for me there has to be a real commitment there, and definitely exclusivity, and a feeling of security .... In fact, of all the things we talked about in trying to learn more about each other, I told him that I believe in 'waiting'......for a couple months, anyway.....so that you can both really focus on getting to know each other...because i feel that once you have sex, you've taken things to another level, and from there, you can't "go back" and I think you miss a lot of the really fundamental steps along the way. He said he definitely agreed.

 

Oh i definitely won't chase him or call him if he doesn't call. I'm too stubborn to let myself look vulnerable or insecure LOL

 

HA! He just phoned...from his cell phone. Said he was on his way home from his brother's place.....wanted to quickly call and let me know he'd phone me when he got home in *5 minutes* (haha)....that he wanted to talk to me before I went to bed. LOL

That was pretty thoughtful, I'd say.

 

And thanks for your kind words.

[cindy0039]

Aww...how sweet. Sounds like things are off to a good start. And that's great about the talk you two had beforehand about the whole sex thing. Cool.