Love thy self?

[nama]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to throw a question out there;

 

Why do people self-sabotage/ like to self destruct? Why would someone not want to take care and look after themselves? Why would someone want to ruin their chances in everything?Why do people 'like' to be/stay in pain?

 

I just don't get this because I'm going through this myself.

 

I guess that ended in being a couple of questions lol...

 

N

x

[wuggle]

Lots of different reasons I think. Sometimes attention seeking, trying to get the world to notice them even in a negative way. Sometimes (and quite often IMO) to distract from pain in other areas of thier life. Sometimes hurting yourself physicaly helps to distract from emotional pain. As I recently advised a poster, sometimes hitting a door helps to dissipate emotional turmoil. Sometimes (but thankfully not that often) people really have just had enough and want to go out in a blaze of pain.

 

From the way you phrased your question though I'm not sure it's physical pain you are talking about though so some more specifics might help. You refer to 'staying in pain' this implies emotional pain ?

[nama]

By pain I do mean emotional/ mental pain. If you are doing something wrong/ feeling down and you know the reason why and you can actually do something about it - why do people not?

 

I hope I'm making sense.

[nama]

I do mean emotional pain.

When someone is feeling down/ doing something wrong etc and they know why and what they can do to change it. Why do some not?

I hope I'm making sense!

[wuggle]

Again lots of possible reasons, Love, desperation, low self esteem, optimism. There are examples of all these reasons just on this site. What are you doing that is so bad for you and why do you think you are doing it ?

[nama]

I didn't mean for that double reply!

I am self-destructive in a number of ways; i was having an on/off affair with a married man (still trying to get rid of him), i don't eat properly, i take too much work on so cannot get my most important work done, i don't go out much, i isolate myself from people - the list could go on. I know all this is wrong and I know simply that I should have my breakfast, eat nutritiously, not contact the man in questions, don't take so much work - be realistic. I KNOW THIS - but I'm not doing it. It's like I want to be like this. If I didn't want to be like this then I would change it right???

[wuggle]

For now I wouldn't worry to much about the eating, not going out or working too hard etc. These all seem to me to be linked to you main problem, The fact that you are still in love after all these years with someone who is now married, your culture frowns on divorce and your illicit sexual affair with this guy.

 

I'm assuming from what I have read that you are about to or actually have tried to completely end this relationship, which IMO is the right thing to do. If as you say he will never divorce, then having sex once or twice a year is really no way to live.

 

In your case I don't think that you are inflicting this pain on yourself, you are just reluctant to accept the truth that the best thing to do is to completely end this relationship and move on. The pain that this would entail is only temporary and will subside. Much better to do this , suffer a bigger temporary pain and work through it than to deny what you know is the right thing, drag out this attachment to this person and prolong the pain over several more years.

 

So in your case I would say that the reason you are in pain is probably misplaced optimism, you are in slow constant pain because you are not prepared to end it completely and work through a bigger more temporary pain. Maybe you are still thinking you two will be together ?, but you know this isn't going to happen.

 

Better to make the break and move on I think.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I do mean emotional pain.

When someone is feeling down/ doing something wrong etc and they know why and what they can do to change it. Why do some not?

I hope I'm making sense!

 

 

Hi Nama

 

It's a tough thing - to know intellectually what one should/shouldn't be doing - but yet to keep doing those things. It can be very self-destructive indeed, love. Sometimes, it can be a part of us that is afraid perhaps, and in "protecting us" kind of loves us to death!

 

I think everyone does this sort of thing to some degree, it's a part of being human. It becomes a problem when it puts a hurdle between you and having a balanced state of mind. You aren't alone in this at all.

 

I've learned a lot about this sort of thing, and applied what I have learned. It's been a great experience.

 

Just to illustrate a bit of what went on with me: I've always and forever been the one with "great potential". Know what a blessing and a curse being called that is? The implication, at least to my ears (from my "inner critic") was "...you are not living up to her potential, what's wrong with you, you freak?"

 

What followed from this sort of thought (and there have/are a million variations of same), you can only imagine. Typically, the way they have manifested in me, in my behavior have been avoidance, escapism, self-doubt, ect. Mostly because I found myself in a profound state of anxiety I was trying to relieve.

 

I didn't even realize how much I was kneecapping myself, didn't think it was an issue until I found myself at times barely able to breathe, and so detached from myself I didn't realize the stress I had put myself under...I didn't really recognize that is what my inner critic was telling me until I started doing this work.

 

Now I know, and once these things are brought out into the light and branded, they tend to lose their power. You can combat them, but only if you are in touch with you, and truly know how you feel.

 

Then you can be a charge of you. Not your past, not your anxiety, nor those fears that keep snapping away at one.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you at all - just quickly dashing off a few quick thoughts for you.

 

This is a very rushed, shoddy way to explain one way inner conflict can affect you. Does any of this sound *familiar* to you?

[Lovelybird]

I am thinking probably you are still hoping something is much better behind the pains, such as the affair, somewhere down in your heart you believe if I can have him, I will be happy, like those drug addicters only can enjoy a very short of time of "happiness", but rest is pain. Our imaginations play tricks with us, the expection of happiness made you endure the pain. But that imagination isn't based on truth, and an affair is based on other's pains.

 

Hope is a good thing, but Real hope is different from our imaginations. Maybe you don't see real hope, you lost your passion for life? give up trying to be better? do you believe you are worth to be loved?

 

anyway, in my personal experience, I know how much imaginations can do harms, Bible says "pull down imaginations that go against words of God", God doesn't give us fear, but give us sound mind, wisdom, and strength and a bright future.

 

There are reasons you doing destructive things. Deep in your heart, you hate yourself? are you in good term with yourself? with God?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think it is unique to each person.

 

I am self-destructive and self-sabotaguing. I find it hard to find the reasons because I remember being this way since childhood. I was a very 'needy' child; affectionate, generous, expressive. But I was also very anxious and afraid. If I wanted a cuddle, and someone offered me one, I would often push it away and reject them, even though deep down I WANTED that cuddle. Or if I was hungry, I would refuse myself types of food I would enjoy. As I got older, this passed from more trivial things into relationships/life expectations etc.

 

For me I think i've gone between feeling better than others and then feeling worse. Sometimes I feel superior to people because I think I generally have quite high morals; I've never done drugs or slept around, and a lot of people I know live there lifes in such a cesspit of immorality, that I feel different and at odds with them and better. Other times the fact I feel i'm different makes me feel worse than other people, like the way they live is normal and i'm just too high-strung or sensitive.

 

They say there is a word comfort and pleasure in misery. Its kind of safe to mess things up for yourself - before someone else messes things up for you. I think its about control. If YOU screw it up, YOU still have the control. You don't have to wait for the boyfriend to break up with you or to fail your exams or to be kicked out of your house. YOU control when and how it happens. I think it stems from fear and sensitivity within an individual who needs a high degree of security and control, so ultimately it comes from a lack of security and self-love.

 

My therapist told me to accept the self-saboteur as PART of you. Its not an alien. Its not an illness. It is YOU. But name it, recognise it, give it an appearance. And when it visits you, say "oh its my evil twin, she looks exactly like me but she is thinner, uglier, unhappier. She wants to make me like her. She's making me feel bad/upset but i'll just ignore her". By doing this you can reduce her and assimilate her into who you are. She'll still visit you but her visits will be for less time and they won't bother you so much. But rather than seeing the feeling as something scary or unrecognisable, name it, recognise it and accept it is just something you have for whatever reasons, but that BIGGER aspects of you can drown her out; the part of you that WANTS happiness, to smile, etc. I try to view it as having an inner child that is full of fear and anxiety, and the self-saboteur is a playground bully trying to spoil that childs chances. So I try to recognise it as detrimental, even though it can be pleasurable to give in at times.

[rider21]

All of these stories and love problems are looking ways to find their true love , we are all looking for someone who will really love us what ever it will be and whatever happened to us. Enjoy reading love advices and love stories here. You may find true love someday and it will be a happy ending .

Are you here to read love stories or advice on love problem or you must be looking for answer on how to find true love ?

u want more about me.

-------------------

Rider21

Meth Addiction

http://www.crystalrecovery.com

[rider21]

All of these stories and love problems are looking ways to find their true love , we are all looking for someone who will really love us what ever it will be and whatever happened to us. Enjoy reading love advices and love stories here. You may find true love someday and it will be a happy ending .

Are you here to read love stories or advice on love problem or you must be looking for answer on how to find true love ?

u want more about me.

-------------------

Rider21

Meth Addiction

http://www.crystalrecovery.com

[laRubiaBonita]

I didn't mean for that double reply!

I am self-destructive in a number of ways; i was having an on/off affair with a married man (still trying to get rid of him), i don't eat properly, i take too much work on so cannot get my most important work done, i don't go out much, i isolate myself from people - the list could go on. I know all this is wrong and I know simply that I should have my breakfast, eat nutritiously, not contact the man in questions, don't take so much work - be realistic. I KNOW THIS - but I'm not doing it. It's like I want to be like this. If I didn't want to be like this then I would change it right???

 

do you really truly believe that you are a worthwhile person? that you deserve good things from yourslef?

 

i struggle with sef destructive tendancies a lot. i know i deserve good things, i know i am an amazing person... but sometimes i just feel like i am not- and i am lying to everyone. i used to self mutilate... i still think about it- ok, i still do it- but RARELY!

 

i do many things for others to feel validated- yet i won't help myself.

 

self destruction is a selfulling prophecy of sorts....

 

you wonder why someone would put themselves in a painful situation... maybe that person feels they only deserve misery- not joy.... or maybe joy is a feeling they are scared to feel- but pain is status quo.

 

you can change.... i tell myself just how awesome i am- and it works, but it takes lots of repetition.... i do not settle as much as i used to, i stand up for what i think is right..... once you get the ball rolling on self respect it moves well.

[nama]

Some interesting posts, thanks.

I expect a lot from myself and others - high standards I'm afraid. If anyone (mostly me) falls short I am very crtitical, I can really beat myself up about things. I am never happy with anything. Its like I'm chasing this never ending perfection but of course I know there is no such thing as perfection. I guess I'm torturing myself!

In regards to the affair, I am a firm believer of karma and know it will come back to haunt me. Its already haunting me.

Maybe don't 'love' myself. I look in the mirror sometimes and question who is that woman looking back at me. I don't take care of myself either. I must truly hate myself.

 

However have started seeing a therapist and she has opened my eyes about things. I've learnt to value myself - well trying anyway and be realistic about myself. Why do I set my self goals that I know deep down I won't fulfill? I'm setting myself up for failure and I know it. Its like I want myself to fail.

 

Ach anyway. Thats enough. I analyse way too much. Sometimes I wish that I had a switch in my head to turn my mind off. Or that I was one of those people who never really thought about things and just got on with life not questioning things. They seem happy. Just living superficially.

 

So I'm off now to beat myself up over the things I did't get done today, the things I knew that I wouldn't get done but set them goals anyway....!

[Meaplus3]

Well, I know for me when I was drinking and smoking it was due to not beign able to deal with lot's of pain and hurt in my life. I used these items to self medicate because it was simply very easy to do. But, I will tell you this it's the wrong approach. I now have been free of all bad habits and you know I have lot's of guilt about my past behavior. I worry alot that I've caused harm to myself. So, self medicating is not the answer. It's only a temporary fix to a deep rooted problem that will still be there until you get to the root of it.

 

Mea:)

[You'reasian]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to throw a question out there;

 

Why do people self-sabotage/ like to self destruct? Why would someone not want to take care and look after themselves? Why would someone want to ruin their chances in everything?Why do people 'like' to be/stay in pain?

 

I just don't get this because I'm going through this myself.

 

I guess that ended in being a couple of questions lol...

 

N

x

 

Can you explain what you mean by not taking care of and looking after themselves?

 

Diet, excercise, self-love? etc.

[9Lives]

I didn't mean for that double reply!

I am self-destructive in a number of ways; i was having an on/off affair with a married man (still trying to get rid of him), i don't eat properly, i take too much work on so cannot get my most important work done, i don't go out much, i isolate myself from people - the list could go on. I know all this is wrong and I know simply that I should have my breakfast, eat nutritiously, not contact the man in questions, don't take so much work - be realistic. I KNOW THIS - but I'm not doing it. It's like I want to be like this. If I didn't want to be like this then I would change it right???

 

This whole mm thing is your problem. This is coming from a person who has messed with a mm. YOU are in hell. If you stop messing with him and give that love to yourself instead of him, you will start feeling much better about yourself. Then you need to put EXTRA effort on working on making your own self happy. That is your job.

 

I know you are not going to listen to me but that is why are in this rut and cant get out. If you want to get out of hell.....let go some way.

 

It took me a while but once it happen, things got better and better. You cant have a fulfilling life messing with a mm

[TaraMaiden]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to throw a question out there;

 

Why do people self-sabotage/ like to self destruct? Why would someone not want to take care and look after themselves? Why would someone want to ruin their chances in everything?Why do people 'like' to be/stay in pain?

 

I just don't get this because I'm going through this myself.

 

I guess that ended in being a couple of questions lol...

 

N

x

 

This whole mm thing is your problem. This is coming from a person who has messed with a mm. YOU are in hell. If you stop messing with him and give that love to yourself instead of him, you will start feeling much better about yourself. Then you need to put EXTRA effort on working on making your own self happy. That is your job.

 

I know you are not going to listen to me but that is why are in this rut and cant get out. If you want to get out of hell.....let go some way.

 

It took me a while but once it happen, things got better and better. You cant have a fulfilling life messing with a mm

 

This is absolutely correct.

 

And I am going to present you with something that could change your life.

Investigate it by all means, but I am right.

 

Your emotions are a product of your thoughts.

 

You think about matters in a specific way, and this gives rise to, and develops your emotions.

You only 'feel' the way you do, because your original thoughts are unskillful.

 

If you change the way you perceive things, your feelings and emotions will follow suit.

Think well, feel well, speak well and act well.

 

In that order.

 

_/l\_

[9Lives]

This is absolutely correct.

 

And I am going to present you with something that could change your life.

Investigate it by all means, but I am right.

 

Your emotions are a product of your thoughts.

 

You think about matters in a specific way, and this gives rise to, and develops your emotions.

You only 'feel' the way you do, because your original thoughts are unskillful.

 

If you change the way you perceive things, your feelings and emotions will follow suit.

Think well, feel well, speak well and act well.

 

In that order.

 

_/l\_

 

 

This is absolutely true. I have to spends hours and hours a day working on my thought process. After being with a mm, it became extremely evident that I was having a bad relationship with MYSELF. Being with a mm is very emotionally damaging and I signed up for it.

 

so now I have to get myself back together. I have to change so many of my thoughts that are self destructive and I am working on it.

 

I want to have a fabulous single life. I want to luxerate in my singleness and i dont want to give up my singleness to any man that is not worth it again.

 

So the journey has begun. You have to learn to love yourself and take care of your emotional health. Some people are not emotionally health. I am one of them. I function like everyone but the internal conversation and my ways in relationshp tells me more about myself. It is alot of work.

[nama]

Thanks for your posts. I understand and agree with what you have written. I seem to 'hate' myelf. By this I mean I would not treat a friend how I would treat myself. Its like I'm punishing myself. This is all I can remember knowing.

I have always had a battle with myself. I torment myself

[neowulf]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to throw a question out there;

 

Why do people self-sabotage/ like to self destruct? Why would someone not want to take care and look after themselves? Why would someone want to ruin their chances in everything?Why do people 'like' to be/stay in pain?

 

I just don't get this because I'm going through this myself.

 

I guess that ended in being a couple of questions lol...

 

N

x

 

Generally, the theory goes something like this.

 

1. An action occurs early on in life (usually negative)

 

2. As a result of this incident, a belief is formed (sometimes instantly and without much testing)

 

3. This belief causes the person to modify their behaviour in some way.

 

As these patterns repeat themselves, the belief gains strength and becomes internalised.

 

At that point, people are usually not aware of the belief any longer. It simply becomes a core part of their nature.

 

So in other words, if a person grows up with a large number of strong, negative beliefs about themselves early on, these become the "filter" through which the person views life.

 

People hurt themselves, because at their heart, they honestly believe they should be hurt. They fail to take care of themselves, because at their heart, they do not believe they are worthy of care.

 

It's a long, hard battle back to challenge those core beliefs, but it can be done.