It's all over

[Cheryl]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my post, but now I'm afraid my problem is even worse. I talked to him last night. I didn't even need to bring up the note I read because I knew from the second I saw him that things weren't OK and he needed to do some explaining to me. It turns out that his feelings weren't because of me getting drunk, and you all probably figured that because it's a stupid reason to want to break up with someone. So anyway, the truth came out when another girl called him while I was there, and I could hear that it was a female's voice. So at first when I said "Who were you just talking to?" he lied and said it was a guy friend, but about 2 minutes later he broke down and told me the truth:

 

For a few weeks now he started to feel "weird" around me, basically "less in love" than he used to be. And this girl that called him was a friend of a friend who he swears he only hung out with in a group of people, and that he never cheated on me, never came close to it, and never will.

 

By this point as you might imagine I was hysterical, I just couldn't hold back the tears. He cried and cried also, telling me how sorry he was and how it wasn't supposed to be this way and how we were supposed to be together forever. He just cried and kept saying how sorry he was, over and over again.

 

So then we talked about what we were going to do about us. He said he just needs a break, and that maybe in time he will realize how much he loves me and can't live without me and then we'll live happily ever after. But I was too crushed to agree to this. I said "You've already hurt me enough so if you want to break it off for real do it now instead of letting another month go by with me wondering if you'll get those feelings back." So that was it, we broke up. And I've never ever been so upset, lonely, or depressed in my entire life. I've even contemplated suicide, thats how bad I feel. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over him. I swear he is my soulmate and the thought of even looking at another guy, or him with another girl just kills me.

 

Please, tell me how to get over him or more preferably how to get him back. I'm so desperate, all my friends tell me is to get over him and move on, but I know i won't.

[Nina]

I've been where you are, hon. I've never felt a pain so huge and all-consuming. I was sleepless for weeks. You know what helped the most, in all honesty? My friends. The ones who you call in the middle of the night who'll sit up and listen to you and help you out.

 

I remember feeling like I was deliriously in love with this man, then he slept with my best friend and they fell "in love." It took about two months to stop hurting terribly and four months after, I was ok. I was happy.

 

It's a cliche. But it's true. Time does heal all. Write in a journal every day for 10-20 min, then do something active like go for a walk or work out. This helps to work thigns out in your own mind. Hang out with your friends. Talk to your family. They are there to help you and usually last longer than most relationships. Avoid contact with your ex. This will only drag out the time it takes to heal. Go to the beach, think about yourself and what you want for a time.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

You never did say exactly what the "truth" was that came out but I assume he told you he was interested in someone else.

 

This guy is NOT ready for a committed relationship. When you are committed to someone, you simply don't go looking to get fond of someone else.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there no less than six or seven times and it feels worse than dying. But I am living proof of the resiliency of the human spirit. From being in those same feelings you are experiencing now, I have come to the point of being in a great relationship.

 

First, it's important to be strong and cool. You have to develop the attitude that whatever happens, happens. It sounds like this man who broke up with you really cares about your feelings and doesn't want to put you through a lot of pain. If there may be a slight chance of you getting back together, it will only be enhanced by your coolness, the ease you make this for him, and the extent to which you do not call him, send him messages, letters, notes, or contact him in any other form. If he calls you, make the conversations friendly but very brief.

 

Those who are going through what you are experiencing find it very difficult to be cool and follow these directions. But if you make him feel really bad, he'll avoid you like the plague.

 

As I said above, you will heal. If you really have suicidal thoughts, get some help. Killing yourself will only rob you of a very wonderful life with Mr. Right once he comes along. Right this second, you don't think there is another great guy alive, but let me tell you...YOU ARE VERY WRONG. The purpose of dating is the find the RIGHT situation so when one or the other breaks off a relationship, you have just gotten the message that it was not right and it's time to move on.

 

Again, I know the pain you feel now. But I have griefed for years over loves that I don't even think about now. It does get better, it really does. Take some time off from men and do things for yourself. Spend time with friends.

 

And why would you be desperate to be back with a guy who you will never trust again? I mean, this guy was talking to girls behind your back. Listen to your friends...they love you and will always be there for you. Move on. You'll be fine in time.

[Miranda]

Trust me, you DON'T want him back. Not now.

 

I've been there: (engaged, miserable, depressed, hopeless, suicidal) and it's NOT worth it. If he feels 'out of love' and you beg him to come back, he will have no respect for you and you will always feel like he will do the same to you again.

 

If you go on with your life, he may realize what a mistake he made...but this will take time and you don't want to wait around! If he comes to his senses down the line, you want to be in a stable emotional position to be able to evaluate the situation, and refuse, if necessary.

 

Whenever someone wants to take a break, it means that they want to explore, but want a back up.

 

It would be comforting to him that you still pine for him while he explores his feelings for other girls...when he gets dumped, he will feel like he can always go back to you. You'll feel like you still have that thread of hope until you see, later on down the line that he's not coming back and just didn't have the guts to break it off in the beginning. If you feel suicidal now, it will get worse, I promise you.

 

You did the right thing in saying the break was for real.

 

Whatever you do, cry to your friends, family, God, DO NOT CALL HIM. Don't weaken, or you will regret it.

 

If you want to chat, you can email me @ <e-mail address removed>. I can tell you my whole story...

[Lisa]

Tony is absolutely right on with his advice. I, too, know exactly how you feel, when you just cannot seem to stop crying and you wonder why you are even trying to live cause it doesn't seem worth it. You go to bed crying, you dream about him and you wake up in the morning and at first you feel good and then you realize instantly that you don't have him anymore in your life and you get depressed right away. But eventually those moments will be spaced further and further apart and you will begin to feel better. I know it doesn't seem possible and it's ridiculous for me to even try to tell you this, but you will recover. After a while you will stop crying constantly and feeling depressed constantly and then you will go this kind of numb stage where you go to work/school, shop, put gas in the car whatever and you do it like a robot, with no emotion and no feelings. That will pass too. And eventually you will find that maybe a whole day passes without thinking about him, course, when you do you are sad again. But eventually, (and I'm not saying overnight or anything) you will begin to live again and enjoy life. And you will meet osmeone else, better for you.I feel helpless telling you this, but I have been through this a couple 1/2 dozen of times in my life and each time I hope that I learn a little from each relationship and improve my relationship and healing skills each time.

Tony is right - do not call him, write him or visit him. There is nothing attractive about someone acting pathetic and sad and depressed. It will only turn him off and make him dislike you. God, I know how hard it is not to make that phone call!!!! But try and try to resist it. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by calling him right now. At least he was finally honest with you by telling you what was going on. That is in his favor, and in time, you may be able to be friends. After all, there was SOMETHING that drew you together.

 

And who knows? One day he may come to realize he does love you. But do you want someone who treats you as he did? You deserve far better thanthat. Never put up with that kind of treatment. I hope YOU dumped HIM over that!

 

You are strong; you will heal and be even stronger for this hurt. Hang in there, sometimes wisdom comes at the price of pain.

[Princess]

Dear Cheryl,

 

It is always hard to get over someone who you have very very strong feelings for. Don't let it get you down. It will always be hard the first couple days/weeks/months, but dont' worry, you'll be okay. Someday you're going to meet a guy who will love you and won't have to take time away from you to know that. He'll just know. Just hang in there and keep us posted.

 

Good luck,

 

Princess

[MA]

I read Tony's post before responding to your post and he is right. I am in the middle of a break up myself and I know how you feel. It is a very similar situation, where his feelings have changed (not because of another girl), but we will get through it. It is always hard to lose someone that you envisioned a future with, but I have realized that it is for the best. Soon you will too. In accepting the end to this relationship you will realize a new sense of independence instead of clinging to co-dependence where you relied on him for your happiness. Go out and do things with your friends or family, throwing yourself at your bed, listening to sad songs and inducing more pain on yourself is like sticking your tongue in a cat in your mouth or picking a scab. It will not make you heal any faster. Good luck in getting over this one. I know it is hard, like I said, I am in the same boat. Just hang in there, we will both get through it.

You never did say exactly what the "truth" was that came out but I assume he told you he was interested in someone else. This guy is NOT ready for a committed relationship. When you are committed to someone, you simply don't go looking to get fond of someone else.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there no less than six or seven times and it feels worse than dying. But I am living proof of the resiliency of the human spirit. From being in those same feelings you are experiencing now, I have come to the point of being in a great relationship.

 

First, it's important to be strong and cool. You have to develop the attitude that whatever happens, happens. It sounds like this man who broke up with you really cares about your feelings and doesn't want to put you through a lot of pain. If there may be a slight chance of you getting back together, it will only be enhanced by your coolness, the ease you make this for him, and the extent to which you do not call him, send him messages, letters, notes, or contact him in any other form. If he calls you, make the conversations friendly but very brief. Those who are going through what you are experiencing find it very difficult to be cool and follow these directions. But if you make him feel really bad, he'll avoid you like the plague.

 

As I said above, you will heal. If you really have suicidal thoughts, get some help. Killing yourself will only rob you of a very wonderful life with Mr. Right once he comes along. Right this second, you don't think there is another great guy alive, but let me tell you...YOU ARE VERY WRONG. The purpose of dating is the find the RIGHT situation so when one or the other breaks off a relationship, you have just gotten the message that it was not right and it's time to move on.

 

Again, I know the pain you feel now. But I have griefed for years over loves that I don't even think about now. It does get better, it really does. Take some time off from men and do things for yourself. Spend time with friends. And why would you be desperate to be back with a guy who you will never trust again? I mean, this guy was talking to girls behind your back. Listen to your friends...they love you and will always be there for you. Move on. You'll be fine in time.