His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Well I last posted on here a few weeks ago saying that MM randomly called and emailed after months of NC and moving his family to the other side of the planet (which I was not supposed to know about)

 

I was too nervous to pick up the phone at first but did answer in the end and was so glad I did...

 

It was only a brief call as it aint cheap to phone my cell from abroad, during the call he said to me he is overseas in this particular city which I pretended to be surprised about and he asked me if I was still single and that he really wanted to see me and could I come to stay with him in said city. I hid my excitement well and didnt give an answer - he then said he would call me on Skype at some point to tell me more and that 'all would be revealed'.

 

The next day he sent me an email explaining that his wife and kids were leaving in April or May as she didnt like living there and had 'turned into the bitch from hell he always knew she was - same problems that existed before but magnified by the situation' and said it was over between them, although he would definately be staying in this overseas location as he cannot just leave his work etc. He went on to say that he has been thinking of me and really really wants to see me and told me that I can come for as long as I can - he said he would pay for my ticket and cover my lost wages if I came for 1 month, or that I could quit my job and just live out there with him ongoing!

 

I was on cloud 9 for days and felt so happy I cannot even describe, although I did not reply to the email - with his previous track record I did not want to show how keen I was, also with how he abandoned me last summer I thought I would make him sweat for a bit! He called me for 5 minutes a few days later to get an answer out of me whether I was coming - I said I was 'interested but scared of getting hurt like last summer'. Slightly annoyed as he could only manage a few minutes on the cell again after I anticipated a long and detailed conversation on Skype but he said he said that would be difficult until they leave as it is a shared account and also with wife and 4 kids still living with him it was impossible as there was always someone around.

 

A few days later he sent me another email saying they were leaving on the 22nd April and couldnt wait to be able to talk to me properly. He also asked me how soon I could come out there as he had 'just signed a reservation on a new flat'. I was very excited and said I could possibly come out to see him tail end of May. He also sent me random text messages saying that he was thinking of me, and some with loads of kisses which made me feel so lovely and warm inside.

 

Well the 22nd was nearly 2 weeks ago now, and not a word from him! I expected to hear from him as soon as they walked out the door but when a couple of days passed I started to get a little worried although put it down to him having loads to sort out and being under alot of stress having just lost his children for 6 months + (I didnt get the chance to ask him how long his contract is over there)

 

The more time went on, the more upset I have found myself getting and now it is so bad I am feeling very depressed at the thought of him cruelly snatching this dream away that he put in front of me. I cannot concentrate in work, my sister and close friend I confide in about this matter are sick to death of me going on about it and speculating about whats happened and have washed their hands of it. I am snapping at everyone and shutting myself away as nothing seems enjoyable anymore.

 

It scares me as I went through hell over him last summer and do not think I could physically or mentally cope with round two of heartbreak. I want nothing more than to be with him and make a go of it - a year on my feelings for him are strong as ever, but I just dont have a clue whats happening - whether hes changed his mind, whether his wife stayed to make a go of it or just extened her stay for whatever reason, whether hes found another OW or what...could be anything and Im going mental waiting for his call. I sent him an email last night saying I need to know whats going on and telling him to stop keeping me in the dark but no reply yet. I dont know how Im going to cope if he never calls, or tells me he no longer wants me to go. Im dreading getting through these next few days/weeks. But then I guess the news could still be good...

[jj33]

Earth to Heartbroken.. ARE YOU KIDDING?

 

He has a few months when he MAY be on his own because his W is unhappy there and he wants some company. So you will skip over, leave your life, for God knows what down there (do you even speak the language?) what would happen to your job...

 

And for what?

 

So that when he comes back in 6 months he returns to his W and leaves you in a lurch?

 

GET A GRIP. You are ALWAYS in the dark with this man. He is a pathological liar user and cheat.

 

Block his emails, block his phone number, block him on skype.

 

How much more misery are you interested in experiencing with him?

 

Ive said it before and will say it again. The problem is not that he is married. Its that he is a selfish user who has NEVER treated you properly.

 

Keep on with the counseling and find out why you continue to have ANY interest in this man.

[sugarmomma]

I would not be surprised if he was lying about the whole thing, trying to see if he still has you wrapped around hiw finger from another COUNTRY.

 

And unfortunately for you, he does.

 

I agree with JJ. Cut all contact because he is simply playing with your heart and mind. And he does it because he knows that he can.

 

My heart goes out for you because in my opinion I think having a MM in another country would enable you to move forward easier, but I guess that's not the case.

 

HE LIED!!! SHE WAS NEVER LEAVING AND NOW YOU ARE BACK WHERE YOU STARTED IN YOUR HEALING PROCESS!!

 

PICK YOURSELF UP AND DUST YOURSELF OFF AND GET BACK TO NC. THIS TIME YOU MAY WANT TO CUT ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION.

 

Change numbers etc. I would totally disappear on his ass. I guess it all depends on what you want for your life and your future? You do have some power in the situation if you would only own it.

[MeaganRaye]

Live a little.

 

Going to another country, and exploring the culture seems exciting to me. I'd go and have fun and think about everything else later.

[wildsoul]

OMG...I'm SO concerned about you! I can't believe you even considered this for a minute, let alone still considering it now after he ditched out on you again.

 

This reminds me of another OW's story. I forget her name, but her story is burned into my brain. Her MM's wife/kids would live part-time with MM in Europe and part-time in the US. Whenever they went away, to visit family and so forth, she would go stay with MM. The end of that story was horrific, involving her running away with his cell phone in her had, so she could read his call log. Then she found out he had SEVERAL LONG TERM OW's. He rotated all these women in and out of his house and bed.

 

His wife is NOT leaving him. She's going home to visit family. He wants you to replace her while she's away. He is lying to you!

 

Now her travel plans have changed and/or he's got another OW, so he dropped out of contact.

 

He is pathologically selfish, and you are being emotionally masochistic. Have you been in therapy yet?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

JJ - I feel I have nothing to lose by going, my life here is not going anywhere. My job is not that great - the pay is average and I do not fit in with my colleagues. I was even quite badly bullied recently which was very hard to deal with. I hate the weather here. I feel I have outgrown most of my friends. I do not get on very well with my family apart from my sisters and they have said if it all works out for me there and Im happy they will visit me.

 

English is widely spoken in this place, however I had started learning everyday phrases/conversations of the language so I could get by, and perhaps get a job there although I may have counted my chickens before they hatched, he may not want me to go anymore.

 

I know what you think of this man - my friends and sisters have the same opinion and are mad at me for letting him into my life again after everything he did in the past, but I do love him in a way I have never loved anyone else. I have tried to move on but not been able to and I dont know why. The two of us are very good together in so many ways - its just his lying and manipulating that causes problems, if he had been upfront with what had been happening and just called me this would not be happening. But we have so much in common despite a 22 year age gap and the sexual chemistry is amazing.

 

Also what makes you think his wife has not left for good, that he just wants me there for some temporary company? Why would he tell me all that about her in an email which I could use as evidence if I ever needed to?

 

My first thought after getting the email was that the marriage was probably over and they are thinking of divorce. I just do not believe that his wife and kids would want to be without him for over 6 months if the marriage was still happy. If you look back at what happened last June you will see his wife did everything she could to be with him. Which is what makes me think he must be telling me the truth now.

[MeaganRaye]

JJ - I feel I have nothing to lose by going, my life here is not going anywhere. My job is not that great - the pay is average and I do not fit in with my colleagues. I was even quite badly bullied recently which was very hard to deal with. I hate the weather here. I feel I have outgrown most of my friends. I do not get on very well with my family apart from my sisters and they have said if it all works out for me there and Im happy they will visit me.

 

English is widely spoken in this place, however I had started learning everyday phrases/conversations of the language so I could get by, and perhaps get a job there although I may have counted my chickens before they hatched, he may not want me to go anymore.

 

I know what you think of this man - my friends and sisters have the same opinion and are mad at me for letting him into my life again after everything he did in the past, but I do love him in a way I have never loved anyone else. I have tried to move on but not been able to and I dont know why. The two of us are very good together in so many ways - its just his lying and manipulating that causes problems, if he had been upfront with what had been happening and just called me this would not be happening. But we have so much in common despite a 22 year age gap and the sexual chemistry is amazing.

 

Also what makes you think his wife has not left for good, that he just wants me there for some temporary company? Why would he tell me all that about her in an email which I could use as evidence if I ever needed to?

 

My first thought after getting the email was that the marriage was probably over and they are thinking of divorce. I just do not believe that his wife and kids would want to be without him for over 6 months if the marriage was still happy. If you look back at what happened last June you will see his wife did everything she could to be with him. Which is what makes me think he must be telling me the truth now.

Is he paying for the trip? If so then go along for the ride, and see for yourself whether or not this guy is for real instead of sitting around wondering and not knowing for sure.

 

I didn't get what country you are going to? It would make for an amazing trip, traveling and exploring a different culture is very fascinating. Just go, and if he is lying then you'll find out for sure once you get there

[wildsoul]

JJ - I feel I have nothing to lose by going, my life here is not going anywhere.

THIS is the real source of the problem. It's what made you vulnerable to sneaky lying MM in the first place. It will continue to cause you misery until you fix your life.

 

I mean that will all the big sister love I can muster.

[jj33]

Heartbroken Im sorry to hear you are in such a bad dark place that you think being with someone who hurts you so deeply over and over again would be better than making a go of your own life and moving it forward little by little.

 

Do you remember writing these things last summer?

 

"Ok so subconsciously cos of my background & low self esteem I may love to hurt myself as I deep down probably think I deserve it - to be second prize & not deserve the total love of an available man.

Again for the same reasons I keep getting hurt by others as Im vulnerable & an easy target to get walked all over. "

 

"I do think he prayed upon me as I was emotionally weak & gullable."

................

 

 

"It is really scarey to think if I let him in my room again he will not be able to stop himself trying to have me completely. I agree that he must be really frustrated that I have not allowed him to have intercourse with me yet even though he has tried many times. It would be terrible if he ended up sexually assulting me (although like its difficult to imagine him doing that) so I have decided if I hear from him again to either ignore him or have a talk & firmly tell him its over because of his behaviour. "

 

"So who knows when the next phone call is coming, if at all? Who does he think he is - promising he will call then not - leaving me hanging for weeks like Im just waiting for him. What an arrogant control freak!

Well if he does call again I really hope I can stick to my guns this time and end it for good before it turns nasty, I hope I will not fall for it if he tries to reel me in again. "

 

------------------------------------

 

Do you remember that? I fear for you that you would even consider this.

 

Who cares if you have his email. He doesnt CARE what you might say to his W or anyone else. This man is arrogant and selfish. Hasnt he proven that to you over and over again?

[jj33]

Meagan this is not such a simple situation and Heartbroken is not as strong as you are. This man has taken her for too many painful rides. She was so distraught she almost lost her job last summer.

[wildsoul]

Meagan this is not such a simple situation and Heartbroken is not as strong as you are. This man has taken her for too many painful rides. She was so distraught she almost lost her job last summer.

Agreed, and want to add that HB is a good girl. She's NOT a prostitute, nor did she get involved in the affair for the cash and prizes.

 

She was living in a new town, very depressed, with a health condition. MM was a roommate who offered her emotional companionship. She was so lonely and insecure that she got hooked on that.

 

For his part, he NEVER said that he loves or was leaving his wife for her.

 

She wants love. He wants some action on the side. She's already been very hurt by this. That's why jj33 and I are so defensive. We're defending her more than she is defending HERSELF though.

[MeaganRaye]

Meagan this is not such a simple situation and Heartbroken is not as strong as you are. This man has taken her for too many painful rides. She was so distraught she almost lost her job last summer.

Oh..I didn't know her history. What exactly has he done?

 

"It is really scarey to think if I let him in my room again he will not be able to stop himself trying to have me completely. I agree that he must be really frustrated that I have not allowed him to have intercourse with me yet even though he has tried many times."

 

What is she talking about right here? Sounds like this guy is really turned on by her sexually.

[wildsoul]

What is she talking about right here? Sounds like this guy is really turned on by her sexually.

Of course he is! She's a young and pretty twenty-something. He's a married man in his forties.

[jj33]

Meagan - youre not being helpful. Its a long complicated story and he is VERY bad news - not some free trip to the tropics.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This reminds me of another OW's story. I forget her name, but her story is burned into my brain. Her MM's wife/kids would live part-time with MM in Europe and part-time in the US. Whenever they went away, to visit family and so forth, she would go stay with MM. The end of that story was horrific, involving her running away with his cell phone in her had, so she could read his call log. Then she found out he had SEVERAL LONG TERM OW's. He rotated all these women in and out of his house and bed.

 

His wife is NOT leaving him. She's going home to visit family. He wants you to replace her while she's away. He is lying to you!

 

Now her travel plans have changed and/or he's got another OW, so he dropped out of contact.

 

He is pathologically selfish, and you are being emotionally masochistic. Have you been in therapy yet?

 

This reminds me of another OW's story. I forget her name, but her story is burned into my brain. Her MM's wife/kids would live part-time with MM in Europe and part-time in the US. Whenever they went away, to visit family and so forth, she would go stay with MM. The end of that story was horrific, involving her running away with his cell phone in her had, so she could read his call log. Then she found out he had SEVERAL LONG TERM OW's. He rotated all these women in and out of his house and bed.

Oh my word that is a scary story!!! Very far fetched and I doubt my MM is THIS extreme! I hope not anyway...

 

His wife is NOT leaving him. She's going home to visit family. He wants you to replace her while she's away. He is lying to you!

 

Now her travel plans have changed and/or he's got another OW, so he dropped out of contact.

None of us know this for sure though do we, its just as likely they are getting divorced soon I just dont know. MM has just been so different this time (well up till now, after she 'left')

He never promised me anything before, and certainly never wrote me emails slating his wife and telling me it was over between them. And when he first called I felt really flattered that he wanted ME out of all the people he could have chosen - the stunning local girls etc but he offered to pay for me to go which means he must want me in particular else why go to all that trouble?!

 

We can speculate till the cows come home about whats going on but none of us really know do we? And after being there for just a couple of months why would his wife be coming back to this country for 6 months just to visit family?! Nothing really rings true here but hopefull this time I will get to the bottom of it.

 

No I have not been in therapy yet - this may sound like an excuse but I could not afford to

1) take time off work once a week to go and

2) pay to see the shrink

[jj33]

So you are choosing a week away with the man who had you so upset you almost had to be hospitalized over a trip to the shrink.

 

You really arent thinking straight here.

 

And look at your old posts - he did this to you continuously - telling you things and then disappearing. This is more of the same. You just dont want to see it.

 

If you really believe that he is going to get a divorce, I have a bridge to sell you. And even if he does its because SHE left him.

 

You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak which will only prove to yourself that you are not worthy of love and happiness and he will get the chance to prove that to you in another country where you hardly speak the language...

 

Great plan!

[carhill]

For Megan, the backstory:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156745/

 

IMO, in these instances a good read of the history is nearly always a prerequisite. I know little so won't comment. I do always err on the side of personal health. I hope the OP can regain that health

[wildsoul]

None of us know this for sure though do we, its just as likely they are getting divorced soon I just dont know. ...

 

He never promised me anything before...

 

And when he first called I felt really flattered that he wanted ME out of all the people he could have chosen...

 

...why would his wife be coming back to this country for 6 months just to visit family?!

 

No I have not been in therapy yet - this may sound like an excuse but I could not afford to

1) take time off work once a week to go and

2) pay to see the shrink

 

Responding to your points one at a time because I don't know how to multiquote.

 

1. Since he's a proven liar, better to error on the side of caution and wait until he IS divorced, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt now.

 

2. He's not promising you anything now, either. Nothing's changed.

 

3. The fact that you're flattered is a symptom of your low self-esteem.

 

4. People see family for ALL kinds of reasons! Matter of fact, I just had to book an expensive trip to see my dying gradfather. Maybe someone in her family has cancer. Maybe she or the kids need to have medical care in the US. Could be so many reasons.

 

5. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is FREE. There are meetings in most countries, usually taking place on evenings or weekends because many people work during the day. Alternatively, look into Codependents Anonymous. Please.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Meagan this is not such a simple situation and Heartbroken is not as strong as you are. This man has taken her for too many painful rides. She was so distraught she almost lost her job last summer.

 

Oh my days - seeing those quotes that I wrote last summer was very disturbing but remember I was in a very bad place. If I was a stronger person I would have handled the situation better. I blame myself for letting it get to me that much that I suffered post traumatic stress and almost lost my job and very nealy moved cities to escape the memories. It was my fault that I let it take everything else in my life on a downward spiral - I must accept responsibility for this and not have MM blamed for everything. He obviously has some very good points else I would not have fallen for him so hard. Despite everything I just cannot stop loving him, its very frustrating.

[MeaganRaye]

After reading your history heartbroken, maybe you shouldn't go. I thought you were having a little fling with a MM and he invited you to another country and thought maybe you should go as a little summer vacation. But it's not like that, so please don't go

 

Agreed, and want to add that HB is a good girl. She's NOT a prostitute, nor did she get involved in the affair for the cash and prizes.

 

What does being a prostitute have to do with anything?

[wildsoul]

It's noble that you're wanting to own up to your decisions and not blame it all on him.

 

What should be coming out of all this is you should be making BETTER decisions now.

 

The point is not about getting strong enough within yourself so that you can continue being with your abuser!

 

HB, I e-love you. I'm recognizing that I'm feeling amped up and wanting to shake some sense into you. I know it's because I'm trying to shout thru the denial. I'm going to back off now. Not abandoning you, but I'll step back from the keyboard. Your story is so upsetting to me. I wish I could protect you. I wish I could.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

So you are choosing a week away with the man who had you so upset you almost had to be hospitalized over a trip to the shrink.

 

You really arent thinking straight here.

 

And look at your old posts - he did this to you continuously - telling you things and then disappearing. This is more of the same. You just dont want to see it.

 

If you really believe that he is going to get a divorce, I have a bridge to sell you. And even if he does its because SHE left him.

 

You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak which will only prove to yourself that you are not worthy of love and happiness and he will get the chance to prove that to you in another country where you hardly speak the language...

 

Great plan!

 

Not a week away, he wanted me to go there for a few months or so he said in his email. And yes I do understand that even if the marriage is over it is because she has left him.

 

If his offer is still open I feel I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didnt at least go and try it out...with a view to making a life for myself out there if it doesnt work out with him.

[wildsoul]

What does being a prostitute have to do with anything?

Because one of your first comments was, "Is he paying for the trip?"

[MeaganRaye]

Because one of your first comments was, "Is he paying for the trip?"

 

And that implies prostitution? She already has a relationship with the man, so it wuoldn't make her a prostitute if he paid for the trip

[jj33]

Do you have a right to live there? You would need a work permit if you dont have a right to citizenship. And you hardly speak the language and the unemployment there is VERY high and its very dangerous there unless you can afford to live in a gated compound.

 

I dont think you have really thought this through.