His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Safety net. He wanted to feel out the situation, see where your head was at. Now he knows he can get whatever he wants from you (IE you running to him, leaving YOUR life to be with him)..

Things more than likely AREN'T final. Who knows the truth? Maybe his kids are just plain miserable and wanted to go home. Maybe things are FINE between him and his wife, he just told you that it wasn't..Hook, line and sinker.

 

Yeah I can see why he would want to find out whether I would say yes before he did anything else, but that it very unfair on me as I feel like 'Plan B'

 

But I guess there could be a million possibilities why he has not called but no one really knows the real reason/s and he will decide if I can be informed. He has control of that, theres no way of me finding out unless he tells me.

[SerenityX2]

But theres still time, although not sure how long I will leave him to call me before giving up completely. I guess moving on will be harder if he doesnt call, like unfinished business. At least if he contacts me and is honest I can tell him a few home truths and not to ever contact me ever again. But if he leaves things in mid air like this and just says nothing then how can I move forward? And if his circumstances HAVE changed then why cant he just call me and have the decency to tell me? Surely he cant NOT call this time - he has to let me know either way.

 

 

The problem with the bolded is that you're using a barometer for a "normal" loving guy response.

 

Sorry he doesn't own that gene. He showed that when he walked out on you in tears in the Summer begging him then to see you ...he knows the devestation but he doesn't think about it on a conscious level and bottom line, it's not important to him. His needs at the moment are.

 

So yeah, a guy like him could absolutely not contact and not think a thing of it. But even if he does, (and I don't like to give that false hope) You've shown that you're willing to be treated like a doormat in the name of love and will welcome him back with any lame excuse.

 

And HB that's a tragedy....That's almost a whole year that you've had to heal and you've set yourself back tremendously.

 

Owl (as usual) is right, You're setting yourself up and allowing yourself to be mistreated, YOU are the only one that can stop that pain. You're putting far too much control in his hands.

 

Love doesn't look like this....not even close.

[jj33]

Good for you you are almost there.

 

First in countries where a substantial portion of the populatoin is so poor you cant begin to imagine it and the women are beautiful, there are sweet angelic gorgeous young women available for a song (they are not high class escorts they are gorgeous young girls) there are also girls in their 20s 30s 40s take your pick available for a very very small price...

 

And dont kid yourself, when you are dirt poor a comparatively rich foreigner is a catch even if hes older and not a catch by middle class US standards.

 

I guarantee you he has found local companionship.

 

Second you are almost there. THERE IS NO NEED TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO SHUT THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

When this man speaks, he lies. So asking questions gives him an opportunity to lie again.

 

Even asking them after he has left you hanging for 2 weeks is humiliation in and of itself. You are telling him, you can treat me like dirt and keep me waiting for 2+ weeks and I will yell at you, but if you tell me what I want to hear, I will let you off the hook.

 

Sweetie there is NOTHING this man can say that is good enough to excuse the past. NOTHING. And he has just proved it again with this latest maneovre.

 

Even entertaining the idea of having future contact with him is humiliating yourself. He has nothing to offer you but more heartbreak.

 

He only controls things because you let him. The fact that he has decided you dont need to hear for 2 weeks should be enough to tell you, you know what I NEVER need to hear ANYTHING from him again.

 

YOU are the boss of you. He only gest to f you about because you continue to let him.

[jj33]

You feel like plan B? You are acting like Plan B.

 

CUT HIM OFF. He has treated you like Plan B for so long. What does he have to do to show you that he doesnt share your vision of the future? You are so deep in denial I fear for you.

[Stepone]

we didnt spend long on the phone, he didnt want to spend ages calling abroad on his cell so the calls were only about 10 minutes long). He did keep promising me this long detailed Skype call so we could talk properly but he kept putting it off over and over until he said he would just wait until the family left on the 22nd. Now obviously Im still waiting for the call

 

 

 

 

He hadnt contacted me for months prior to this new situation

 

We have not even seen each other face to face since July last year!

 

I understand that this may be a possibility now though, he may have started an A with an other OW out there but no one knows.

 

hes got me under a spell

 

It just hurts so bad.

 

He is not the love of your life. He is a dirty old man, who does not give a jot about you.

 

You need to break free of this SPELL

 

block him from ever contacting you again and don't tell him. Only then will the recovery process start. and yes i am a stranger, don't listen to me - LISTEN TO YOURSELF GIRL! You are worth so much more than this creep!

[jj33]

You have this wild idea that he is in Monte Carlo with the gorgeous women and glamorous lifestyle.

 

Hes not. Hes in a very very very poor third world country. There are no "hotties" turning him down unless they are high class hookers or wives and daughters of the very small upper class or the expat populations.

 

As I said above there are loads of "hotties" who hardly have a roof over their head who would do sexual tricks that would make you blush just to get a decent meal or some small amount of money for their families.

[wildsoul]

(((HB))) I can't remember. I know you're young. Is MM your first boyfriend?

 

He abandoned you. More than once. And inviting a woman to go on holiday, then not calling her for 2 weeks? Completely and totally unacceptable! You've already been dumped (sorry to say.) There's nothing he can say to explain it away.

 

At this point, it's not even about him being married. That gorrilla is still in the room, but the 2 week abandonment is grounds for termination in itself!

 

I'm really wondering how you learned to accept so little. Did a family member or previous relationship abandon you?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I can see why he would want to find out whether I would say yes before he did anything else, but that it very unfair on me as I feel like 'Plan B'

 

Honestly, what difference should it make if you're there for him or not? IF he is divorcing, or even separating, he should be doing this reguardless if you're in waiting for him or not! Make sense? Yes, you're his back up plan, but you're allowing it to happen.

 

Stop being so eager! Stop putting YOUR life on hold for some guy who isn't sure of what he truly wants. If you go to him, leave behind your place, job, friends, then what's going to happen when this thing goes south (and it will), what are you going to do then? Come home, no job, no place?

 

His previous actions have shown you he isn't "inlove" with you. And his recent actions (the NON call for 2 weeks) isn't a man inlove, wanting to change his life so he can be with the real woman he loves. He's acting out of reaction/desparation - HE doesn't want to be alone.

 

Remember, he picked up and moved away WITHOUT telling you!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

(((HB))) I can't remember. I know you're young. Is MM your first boyfriend?

 

He abandoned you. More than once. And inviting a woman to go on holiday, then not calling her for 2 weeks? Completely and totally unacceptable! You've already been dumped (sorry to say.) There's nothing he can say to explain it away.

 

At this point, it's not even about him being married. That gorrilla is still in the room, but the 2 week abandonment is grounds for termination in itself!

 

I'm really wondering how you learned to accept so little. Did a family member or previous relationship abandon you?

 

Not my first boyfriend although I have had very little experience with men, but he was the first man I felt such an intense connection with. It felt special and we had so much in common, he took an interest in my life, also he was there for me throughout my health issue and nothing was too much trouble for him. We liked the same food, had same sense of humor - and my personality is a bit unique shall we say (not in a bad way, just a little eccentric! ) and although I get on with most people I dont often 'click' with people like that. He is also a little bit different, he is a very deep, intelligent, quiet guy with very few friends and he did say it was rare for him to get on with someone as much as he did with me.

 

As for my past, well I did have a difficult childhood and have low self esteem as a result.

[bentnotbroken]

While she and the kids are gone, he invited you to come see him for a month. He invited you specifically because he knows you love him, have not much going for you right now, and because you are vulnerable. No one else fits the bill so perfectly for such a man.[/quote]

 

No he did actually say he wanted me to come for as long as I could - between 3-6 months or more. I just think that surely his wife couldnt be without him for THAT long if the marriage was normal? Also what about not seeing his kids? How could someone go for 6 months to a year or whatever without seeing his kids?! I just find it hard to believe that this is amicable. Mind you he emailed me all this towards the end of March, they alledgedly 'left' on the 22nd of April - I guess if things had been that bad she would haverushed back home sooner than that and not dragged it out for another few weeks.

 

 

 

HB, spouses of people in the military are apart for a lot longer than 3-6 months. It isn't traditional, but it is normal.

 

When he was a roommate with me due to working away from home weekdays his wife and family moved to this town after over 1 year of him living under the same roof as me, they lived here for just 6 months then ultimately moved to this foreign city! Now why uproot the kids and everything for the sake of spending 6 months with him here if they knew they were imminently going overseas?! It does not make any sense and her wanting to be with him must have played a part. What Im trying to say is - she wouldnt now come all the way back to this country after all that if it was amicable between them do you see what I mean? It would have been pointless moving the kids AGAIN only to come back here. They must be very unsettled.

 

 

 

 

You are grasping at straws. Anything to hang onto the fantasy of a man that doesn't exist. Of a marriage that isn't stable. As you've said you have no proof of anything.

 

 

I did wonder what would happen (if I even do go there to see him) after the visit is over - I would like to think we would make a go of it in this country but I have no idea what his intentions are as he has been very vague by not calling me and even when we did speak on the phone it was brief which is just frustrating beyond belief. Obviously if we spoke in detail I would ask him all these sorts of things.

 

 

Anything could be possible with this situation, I just have no idea because he has not called. I guess its only been under 2 weeks since they were meant to have 'left' so still early days, he will hopefully call at some point but hes spoiled things now and got off to a very bad start and severely upset me AGAIN and pissed me off, therefore I will not be bubbly and friendly when he finally feels like calling. But this time surely he cant NOT call? He cannot possibly just leave things in mid air like this can he?!In the email I sent him on Sunday night I did stress to him that after his track record last summer I will not hang around for weeks/months waiting for his call.

 

 

Why can't he? So far he has done exactly what he has wanted and you have been waiting and wondering.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Honestly, what difference should it make if you're there for him or not? IF he is divorcing, or even separating, he should be doing this reguardless if you're in waiting for him or not! Make sense? Yes, you're his back up plan, but you're allowing it to happen.

Yes I see exactly what you mean here - if they were seperating anyway then it would happen regardless. If what he is saying is true it sounds like it is on his wifes terms - shes the one 'leaving' or 'already left'

 

Remember, he picked up and moved away WITHOUT telling you!!

I have not forgotten this, and I was going to confront him about it another day. I thought I would have the chance, but the more time goes by without him calling, the more bleak this is looking.

 

No one knows the reason he hasnt called, there could be a million possible excuses. Whatever his reason for not being able to phone, he should have kept in contact somehow to avoid keeping me in the dark - even if it was just a quick text. Theres no excuse for his sudden NC whatever is going on out there.

[bentnotbroken]

Don't want to hijack the thread but I feel like a few posters are being very mean, acting like it's okay to attack me because they don't agree with my views on relationships and other things. It is not okay, and its best to stop using me as a target to insult

 

 

Then stop acting like you want to be a bulls eye.

[wildsoul]

You know, HB, part of what might be keeping you in this is the fact that you don't have enough dating experience. So the connection you have with him seems SO much more as a result.

 

I have 2 friends going through similar things.

 

One friend is super SHY and has very little dating experience. She's been seeing a guy for almost 3 years. He's VERY clear that it's just sex. Tells her she is NOT his girlfriend. Disappears and won't talk to her for a week or 2 at a time. She wants to marry him and is hoping that if she is patient enough, he'll want to marry her some day. I love her like a sister, but the problem is that she's so scared of dating! Once she got this guy (who is more handsome than what she usually attracts) she will NOT let go, no matter how humiliating. Sad.

 

My other friend USED to be like that, but got sick of being treated like garbage. She's got a weight issue and it's true that the dating pool for her is harder. Her self-esteem used to be TERRIBLE. But the coolest thing has happened to her this last year. She started dating a LOT of guys. Practice that she never had before. Sure, not all super models, but she isn't either. But I'm blown away at her now! She's 100% more confident, and I'm noticing that the more confident she gets, the better guys she's attracting. Impressive.

 

It seems like you're hanging on to this guy who threw a few crumbs your way. You don't have enough experience to know that there is SO MUCH MORE you could be having!

[fooled once]

In the email I sent him on Sunday night I did stress to him that after his track record last summer I will not hang around for weeks/months waiting for his call.

 

Are you kidding us? You have been waiting around for almost a year for him. You will wait another 10 years for this loser.

 

yes there are millions of reasons why he hasn't called -- but we all know why -- because you aren't important enough to him to call.

 

And like someone else said, there are millions of military people who don't see their spouses/children for much longer than 3-6 months. My father was gone 9 months a year (former Navy man). It happens. Doesn't mean my parents were divorcing. Means my dad had a job to do.

 

You have no idea what is going on in their marriage. He is only telling you what he wants you to believe -- he needs you to believe the poor man is being mistreated by his wife so that when he calls you to come, you will jump and run to him.

 

He knows you are obsessed with him. He knows he can treat you poorly and yet you still have these feelings for him.

 

But it isn't love. You are infatuated with him. You are infatuated with a memory of a side of him you saw a year ago. You saw a man who cheated on his wife. You saw a man who lied to his wife. You saw someone who isn't real. And unless you are into liars, cheaters, men of little or no morals, men who are disrespectful of their partner, men who have no character; then I guess he is the man for you.

 

stop creating a fantasy in your head. PLEASE get some counseling. Are you really willing to wait around another year for this loser?

 

We treat people how to treat us. You have shown him that he can treat you like crap. Is that really the kind of relationship you want???

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I would agree...but given how suspect his actions have been in the past, these should have been the very first things you asked him before you allowed him to get your hopes up at all. Point blank, in his face, unavoidable. Make sense?

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but even if I HAD got the chance to ask him if he was divorcing and where I stood etc he could have lied anyway.

[jj33]

And Heartbroken the mere fact that you acknowledge he could have lied....

 

why would you consider someone who would lie to you like that? Why do you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt?

 

Its disappointing when we think someone may be the knight in shining armor and hes not, but OK you thought he might be but hes not. And hes proven that to you time and time again.

 

If you keep ignoring the plain facts in front of your face you are only inviting more pain and misery into your life.

[JeezLouise]

Let's guess that his kids go to private school in this city; let's guess even farther that they go to the American school there.

 

Amazingly enough, their spring break begins April 22nd.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Let's guess that his kids go to private school in this city; let's guess even farther that they go to the American school there.

 

Amazingly enough, their spring break begins April 22nd.

 

Yeah they probably would as they do not speak the language over there.

 

So the holidays begin on April 22nd??? What a coincidence...

[Dexter Morgan]

Don't want to hijack the thread but I feel like a few posters are being very mean, acting like it's okay to attack me because they don't agree with my views on relationships and other things. It is not okay, and its best to stop using me as a target to insult

 

Its not your views on relationships per se. Its your attitude with regards not caring about people you would help to hurt in real life.

 

You have the attitude like, "hey, I don't know 'em...so F 'em"

 

That is the problem.

[Chocolat]

HB, are you suggesting that between your last contact with this MM -- which was in, what? mid-April? -- amd now, 2-3 weeks later, there is some legitimate reason why your MM has not been able to send an email or make a call?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB, are you suggesting that between your last contact with this MM -- which was in, what? mid-April? -- amd now, 2-3 weeks later, there is some legitimate reason why your MM has not been able to send an email or make a call?

 

Actually funny you should ask that - I was thinking today very seriously - what if he has been taken ill or something??? Its not impossible, and the country he is working in has a malaria risk amongst other things. He is also at an age where more health issues are likely, he will be 50 this year. If this were true it would explain the lack of contact.

 

Last time he emailed was 19th April, just 3 days before his wife was supposed to have left. Everything in that email was very positive and he still appeared just as keen about me coming.

[Owl]

This is funny if you think about it...

 

"Look on the bright side...it might not be that he's ignoring you or focusing on his wife and marriage...he might just have malaria, or dengae fever. Doesn't that make you feel better?"

 

:bunny::bunny:

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This is funny if you think about it...

 

"Look on the bright side...it might not be that he's ignoring you or focusing on his wife and marriage...he might just have malaria, or dengae fever. Doesn't that make you feel better?"

 

:bunny::bunny:

 

 

:lmao:

[Owl]

What you really need to do HB is to stop worrying if he's sick, stop worrying if he's working on his marriage...stop feeding this silly nightmare completely.

 

I don't expect you to "get over" him anytime soon...but you darn sure need to "move on"...RIGHT NOW.

 

THERE IS NO OTHER ADVICE ANYONE CAN GIVE YOU UNTIL YOU TAKE THIS STEP.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This is funny if you think about it...

 

"Look on the bright side...it might not be that he's ignoring you or focusing on his wife and marriage...he might just have malaria, or dengae fever. Doesn't that make you feel better?"

 

:bunny::bunny:

 

I know its unlikely but there is a slim chance he has been ill or has had an accident or something, if he was in hospital he would have no way of letting me know. Im wondering if perhaps I should be genuinely worried?