His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[PhoenixRise]

 

Actually funny you should ask that - I was thinking today very seriously - what if he has been taken ill or something??? Its not impossible, and the country he is working in has a malaria risk amongst other things. He is also at an age where more health issues are likely, he will be 50 this year. If this were true it would explain the lack of contact.

 

Last time he emailed was 19th April, just 3 days before his wife was supposed to have left. Everything in that email was very positive and he still appeared just as keen about me coming.

 

HB

 

I have been following this thread and I went back to read some of your earlier posts. It is just so sad to me that you feel so worthless that you don't KNOW you deserve better than this.

 

This man is not sick. If he WAS sick and he gave the slightest damn about you, he would have contacted you or had someone contact you. There is nothing preventing him from contacting you except the fact that he does not want to.

 

HB if you had a daughter and your daughter came to you in distress and described to you a relationship that she had with a married man who:

 

Behaved agressively with her.

Told her he didn't love her

Moved to another country without notice

Left her hysterically crying and begging him not to go.

Out of the blue called her up asking her to leave job, friends, home for a visit.

Disappeared again.

 

If your daughter was in this situation, what would you tell her?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

What you really need to do HB is to stop worrying if he's sick, stop worrying if he's working on his marriage...stop feeding this silly nightmare completely.

 

I don't expect you to "get over" him anytime soon...but you darn sure need to "move on"...RIGHT NOW.

 

THERE IS NO OTHER ADVICE ANYONE CAN GIVE YOU UNTIL YOU TAKE THIS STEP.

 

I know, I know but its easier said than done.

 

I do not enjoy being in pain, I want to be happy and I honestly thought that this time he was genuine and that the situation would have a nice ending for us.

 

It scares me how much I love this man. I wish I could find a way to stop feeling this way I really do. All my friends (the ones I can talk to about this) and my sisters are fed up of hearing his name.

 

The MM does not help himself though by keep randomly coming back to me giving me (false) hope.

 

I know you will just say I should have blocked all his contact details but I couldnt bring myself to do it in case one day he did come forward and told me he wanted to be with me. Urgh I know it sounds so pathetic and Im sorry but at least Im being honest.

[SerenityX2]

I know its unlikely but there is a slim chance he has been ill or has had an accident or something, if he was in hospital he would have no way of letting me know. Im wondering if perhaps I should be genuinely worried?

 

Okay presuming you want to hold onto yet another false assumption b/c it's easier than letting go.

 

Have you noticed not one person has said anything encouraging to you that "maybe" he's honest or worth hanging around for etc....?

 

Have you heard anything else other than he's a selfish SOB and will continue to use you as long as YOU LET HIM?

 

You do realize you are now controlling your destiny of walking straight into the path of pain? That's your choice not his doing, you are allowing it.

 

I really wish you'd want better for yourself, but it's clear you don't.

 

BTW it most likely wouldn't be Malaria since his company would have required immunizations as recommended by said country.

[Owl]

I know, I know but its easier said than done.

 

I do not enjoy being in pain, I want to be happy and I honestly thought that this time he was genuine and that the situation would have a nice ending for us.

 

It scares me how much I love this man. I wish I could find a way to stop feeling this way I really do. All my friends (the ones I can talk to about this) and my sisters are fed up of hearing his name.

 

The MM does not help himself though by keep randomly coming back to me giving me (false) hope.

 

I know you will just say I should have blocked all his contact details but I couldnt bring myself to do it in case one day he did come forward and told me he wanted to be with me. Urgh I know it sounds so pathetic and Im sorry but at least Im being honest.

 

HB, then my other suggestion stands.

 

Stop being in pain.

 

Accept that you're his mistress...that's what you want to be.

 

Stop hurting yourself by trying to get more, because it isn't going to happen.

 

Stop hurting yourself by feeling guilty, etc...

 

Stop telling yourself that this isn't where you want to be...and start accepting that it HAS to be where you want to be...because in five years of posting here, I've never seen someone fight so hard to stay in a miserable situation as you have.

 

I do wish you well...but I'll offer no more advice. This is too frustrating for me.

[wildsoul]

I know its unlikely but there is a slim chance he has been ill or has had an accident or something, if he was in hospital he would have no way of letting me know. Im wondering if perhaps I should be genuinely worried?

Not only is this desperately grasping at straws, but even THIS worry is a consequence of being in an affair. Similar to the funeral thread. Is this the life you want? Knowing that if something serious happened to a man you're seeing, that you wouldn't be on the call list? Torturous life. Your tolerance for pain is so high.

[Chocolat]

I know its unlikely but there is a slim chance he has been ill or has had an accident or something, if he was in hospital he would have no way of letting me know. Im wondering if perhaps I should be genuinely worried?

 

I do think you should be genuinely worried, but not about whether your MM has been ill or in accident, as these scenarios are incredibly unlikely.

 

I also think you are confusing love for an unhealthy addiction. True love is not a constant toggle between periods of giddy happiness followed by periods of deep despiar. True love is not being anxious all the time, wondering what is going to happen next and looking to your lover as the only person who can soothe you. What you experience with this man sounds more like the highs and lows of a heroin addict. No, I do not say that to be cruel but I do think you need to wake up and understand that what you feel is not love. And FOR SURE what he feels is not even close to love! Actions talk.

 

HB, have you had counseling? I truly think you need to discuss this situation with someone who can help you develop a healthier and more objective way of looking at things. The reason everyone is telling you the same thing -- whether here or in your real life -- is because everyone sees the same thing. Someday you will see it, too. I hope you can take steps to start seeing it sooner rather than later.

[sugarmomma]

HB,

 

There is absolutely no way you can love him because YOU DO NOT LOVE, HONOR OR RESPECT YOURSELF!

 

You previously posted that your self esteem is low. Try working on that in counseling because you wouldn't be able to make a real contribution to any kind of a romantic relationship without a healthy sense of self.

 

It's no fun being in love by yourself!!!

 

What you are doing is called self torture!!! Please get help. I will pray for you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB,

 

 

There is absolutely no way you can love him because YOU DO NOT LOVE, HONOR OR RESPECT YOURSELF!

 

You previously posted that your self esteem is low. Try working on that in counseling because you wouldn't be able to make a real contribution to any kind of a romantic relationship without a healthy sense of self.

 

It's no fun being in love by yourself!!!

 

 

What you are doing is called self torture!!! Please get help. I will pray for you.

 

Thanks for your support

 

Although my self esteem is so low I still feel I do have so much love to give despite obviously not loving myself.

 

This is just a mess that I do not know how to sort out, I have been to counselling before but it didnt really do much - it was way before this situation with the MM happened though.

 

I think my problems are alot deeper than just low self esteem, I think Im beyond help.

[jj33]

Owl you say accept being his mistress - EXCEPT SHE IS NOT.

 

She has been downgraded to someone he contacts every once in awhile when he feels like it - and then forgets about until its convenient for him to contact her again ... and he has the desire to be in touch.

 

That is HARDLY a mistress. She'd be better off charging him for her compan, then at least he would have to give SOMETHING in return for her undying love. (sorry Heartbroken but you have to see it for what it is)

 

And HB this is NOT love. This has become an obsession that allows you to accept being treated with total disregard.

 

The fact that you have low self esteem is not an excuse. You know that. So... armed with that knowledge you need to act to protect yourself.

 

I know how hard it can be to get over someone. I have not gotten over the man I was involved with - but it doesnt mean I dont send him packing when he tries to come back. And its not because I am strong. Its because despite my obseesing over the relationship all this time later I KNOW that I cant go back into it nor can I spend time with him socially.

 

Its called self preservation.

 

We all suffer disappointments in life. Yes you are disappointed that he is not the man you hoped he was and that you wont have the future you hoped you would have. But ignoring the danger signs and continuing to make excuses for him - is not reasonable.

 

Go back to therapy. Its the best thing you can do for yourself. Or if you cant afford it, get publicly available counseling from your community doctor. You cant go on like this. There is a strong smart girl under there who knows this is wrong.

[jj33]

You are not beyond help. Noone is. That is just the depression talking. Its the feeling that others may have a bright future but you dont. That is why you are willing to even CONSIDER answering the phone when MM calls.

 

YOu need to go to therapy - go to your doctor and get a referral. You are a strong smart girl. You just need some help sorting yourself out. And once you do, the world will look much brighter.

[SerenityX2]

HB, that's where you're wrong, love doesn't look like this from either side. It's obvious on his end where it errs, but on yours as well.

 

You said you have so much love to give despite not loving yourself, well you can't give something from a dry well.

 

It's IMPERATIVE to love yourself and have healthy self esteem to be in a partnership to a loving relationship.

 

What you are describing is a latching on or an addiction and it's going to destroy you if you don't try to help yourself.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Owl you say accept being his mistress - EXCEPT SHE IS NOT.

 

She has been downgraded to someone he contacts every once in awhile when he feels like it - and then forgets about until its convenient for him to contact her again ... and he has the desire to be in touch.

 

That is HARDLY a mistress. She'd be better off charging him for her compan, then at least he would have to give SOMETHING in return for her undying love. (sorry Heartbroken but you have to see it for what it is)

 

That is just even more depressing for me. The thought that he doesnt even think Im good enough to be his mistress.

 

I just cant stop crying.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB, that's where you're wrong, love doesn't look like this from either side. It's obvious on his end where it errs, but on yours as well.

 

You said you have so much love to give despite not loving yourself, well you can't give something from a dry well.

 

It's IMPERATIVE to love yourself and have healthy self esteem to be in a partnership to a loving relationship.

 

What you are describing is a latching on or an addiction and it's going to destroy you if you don't try to help yourself.

 

Yes I know I need to sort out my self esteem and everything but literally at the moment my life is such a mess and Im just extremely depressed right now and when it comes to healing myself I dont know where to start.

[whichwayisup]

I know its unlikely but there is a slim chance he has been ill or has had an accident or something, if he was in hospital he would have no way of letting me know. Im wondering if perhaps I should be genuinely worried?

 

Hate to say it, but if he truly were divorcing and making plans to be with you, don't you think he would tell someone, maybe his bestfriend, or someone close to him about you? So they could let you know IF something had happened to him?

 

You may "love" him, but it's an unhealthy kind of love. Look at the damage it's done to you, and still doing. Honest love doesn't hurt like this. Honest love doesn't make you feel insecure, or ruin WHO you are. It's supposed to make one happy, bring the best out - Not the worst.

 

That is just even more depressing for me. The thought that he doesnt even think Im good enough to be his mistress.

 

Why are you putting yourself down? You're making yourself feel worse by saying stuff like this!

[whichwayisup]

when it comes to healing myself I dont know where to start.

 

You've done the first step and that's posting about it. The second step is, seek counselling. But, you have to want to heal, want to get past all this so you can be free and happy again.

[jj33]

you start by contacting your doctor and telling him you are very depressed and need to see a counselor.

 

You call in sick to work tomorrow and go to your local surgery and wait until someone can see you.

 

You dont wait. You dont say I am too confused to do anything. If you need to call someone to go with you, you do that.

 

He lives in another country and he has been out of touch for the longest time - how can you be his mistress? You are not thinking clearly if this is shocking news.

 

Honey I know its hard but you need to gather yourself together, get some rest and get up in the morning and go to the doctor. You need some real support right away.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

 

HB if you had a daughter and your daughter came to you in distress and described to you a relationship that she had with a married man who:

 

Behaved agressively with her.

Told her he didn't love her

Moved to another country without notice

Left her hysterically crying and begging him not to go.

Out of the blue called her up asking her to leave job, friends, home for a visit.

Disappeared again.

 

If your daughter was in this situation, what would you tell her?

 

I just cannot imagine myself on the outside looking in at my situation while being in the middle of it all and not able to see the wood for the trees.

[SerenityX2]

Yes I know I need to sort out my self esteem and everything but literally at the moment my life is such a mess and Im just extremely depressed right now and when it comes to healing myself I dont know where to start.

 

Okay but the realization is step one.

 

I think you're hoping all of this avoidance in the last couple weeks is a bad dream and he's going to come riding in on a white horse and save you from your depression and negative thoughts.

 

It doesn't work that way HB. Only you can heal you, and you do have the strength you just have to believe and start with tiny baby steps, that's what we want for you.

[jj33]

Can you go stay with someone for a few days?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Can you go stay with someone for a few days?

 

Not really, I would not want to be a burden to anyone else while Im in this state and I know that this is all I will feel like talking about and theres only so much people can listen to.

 

I dont feel like being around people right now anyway.

 

Also I could not afford to take any time off work, especially if I have to go to the Dr at some point.

[PhoenixRise]

That is just even more depressing for me. The thought that he doesnt even think Im good enough to be his mistress.

 

I just cant stop crying.

 

It is not about you being good enough to be his mistress. You don't want to see it right now but there is something wrong with this man. A decent man would have seen you at a time when you were lost, and lonely and confused and offered you TRUE friendship. A man worthy of you would not have tried to push you into such a destructive situation.

 

What you had was a man who saw you at a time when you were weak and he took advantage of that. He preyed on it. He preyed on you.

 

There is something wrong with a person who deliberately hurts people for his own gratification.

 

It had/has nothing to do with your worth.

[NoIDidn't]

Not really, I would not want to be a burden to anyone else while Im in this state and I know that this is all I will feel like talking about and theres only so much people can listen to.

 

I dont feel like being around people right now anyway.

 

Also I could not afford to take any time off work, especially if I have to go to the Dr at some point.

 

You sound really depressed.

 

You would not be a burden to your friends. You have to believe that.

 

There are also hotlines with employers that have family/work life plans. You could call them 24 hours a day. Most of the time they have trained therapists answer the phone when you call.

 

((hb))

[PhoenixRise]

Yes I know I need to sort out my self esteem and everything but literally at the moment my life is such a mess and Im just extremely depressed right now and when it comes to healing myself I dont know where to start.

 

You start by making healthy choices for yourself. Stop waiting for this man to call you. Make choices that say you value yourself.

[jj33]

If nothing else you can always call the Samaritans. Is anonymous and its free. And there is someone there 24 hours a day.

[PhoenixRise]

[

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhoenixRise

HB if you had a daughter and your daughter came to you in distress and described to you a relationship that she had with a married man who:

 

Behaved agressively with her.

Told her he didn't love her

Moved to another country without notice

Left her hysterically crying and begging him not to go.

Out of the blue called her up asking her to leave job, friends, home for a visit.

Disappeared again.

 

If your daughter was in this situation, what would you tell her?

 

 

QUOTE=xxxheartbrokenxxx;2164485]I just cannot imagine myself on the outside looking in at my situation while being in the middle of it all and not able to see the wood for the trees.

 

 

 

HB I think you know exactly what you would say if it was your daughter, sister, mother, anybody you love and want the best for... I think you know exactly what you would say to someone who described this situation to you. You don't want to think about it because you aren't ready to change the situation.

 

You can't hide behind not being able to see the wood for the trees because you are making choices that could put you in real danger.

 

I hope you get the help you need. AND I hope for your sake this man stops toying with you (like a cat playing with its food) and never contacts you again.