His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[whichwayisup]

I would not want to be a burden to anyone else while Im in this state

 

But that's when you're supposed to lean on good friends...So they can help you, hold you and let you cry, make you laugh, wipe your tears...Feed you icecream, chocolate etc.. You're not a burden, so don't think of yourself like that!

[PhoenixRise]

 

Also I could not afford to take any time off work, especially if I have to go to the Dr at some point.

 

HB you were about to completely leave your job to have the chance to spend some time in another country with this man. BUT you can't afford to take some time off to care for your mental health???

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You sound really depressed.

 

You would not be a burden to your friends. You have to believe that.

 

There are also hotlines with employers that have family/work life plans. You could call them 24 hours a day. Most of the time they have trained therapists answer the phone when you call.

 

((hb))

 

I am very low and I really do not want to get to rock bottom like I did last summer where I couldnt even leave the house

 

Im frightened though because I feel myself getting that way - cutting myself off from friends, snapping at people close to me, work starting to suffer, shutting myself away.

 

I feel so angry with myself that Ive let him get to me like this again, but because of what he told me/offered me I really did think that things would be different this time. If he just contacted me offering the chance to just hook up no strings then my expectations wouldnt be so high. But I thought I would have the chance of a life with him from what he has said.

[whichwayisup]

Im frightened though because I feel myself getting that way - cutting myself off from friends, snapping at people close to me, work starting to suffer, shutting myself away.

 

Then you need to be around your family and friends. DO NOT shut yourself off to everyone. Right now you're aware of what you're feeling and you CAN try your best to control this, to fight it off. Please, really believe that Heart.. You're alot stronger than you think!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

But that's when you're supposed to lean on good friends...So they can help you, hold you and let you cry, make you laugh, wipe your tears...Feed you icecream, chocolate etc.. You're not a burden, so don't think of yourself like that!

 

No seriously - when Im depressed like this I am unbearable to have around and my friends/sisters do find me hard work. I feel like I have already drained them enough by going on and on about MM and how it hurts me and no one understands why I still go back for more.

 

I just feel so isolated when going through this becuase unless you have been an OW I dont think you would understand what the pain is like - and none of my friends have ever been in a situation like this so therefore theres only so much help they can give

[jj33]

What you are dealing with is depression. Call Samaritans. They can help if you dont feel that the people close to you can help. They may not understand why you have such strong feelings for him but they can understand that you are depressed.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Then you need to be around your family and friends. DO NOT shut yourself off to everyone. Right now you're aware of what you're feeling and you CAN try your best to control this, to fight it off. Please, really believe that Heart.. You're alot stronger than you think!

 

Really hope I can nip the nasty depression in the bud this time!

 

Thank you for your kind words WWIU

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

What you are dealing with is depression. Call Samaritans. They can help if you dont feel that the people close to you can help. They may not understand why you have such strong feelings for him but they can understand that you are depressed.

 

It is definately situational depression though - when things are going ok for me I feel fine. Its when the MM messes with my head like this that it gets triggered.

 

But depression is depression and I agree that I need to get some help.

[NoIDidn't]

What you are dealing with is depression. Call Samaritans. They can help if you dont feel that the people close to you can help. They may not understand why you have such strong feelings for him but they can understand that you are depressed.

 

It is definately situational depression though - when things are going ok for me I feel fine. Its when the MM messes with my head like this that it gets triggered.

 

But depression is depression and I agree that I need to get some help.

 

I am not a doctor, but definitely don't think that its situational. Sounds like you've been dealing with this for most of your life.

 

Please get some help. You sound like such a lovely person who deserves to be free of this monkey (depression).

[fooled once]

I don't think it is situational either.

 

You admitted to basically waiting for him to call for the last year.

 

You are letting yourself be in this constant state of depression and anxiety.

 

If you really truly want to start healing -- change your cell number, block his number; change your email.

 

IF you truly want to stop hanging onto something that is NOT going to happen (he is not going to all of a sudden come to you a free man begging you to be his wife).

 

That is a fantasy.

 

Grieve the loss; mourn it but MOVE ON from it.

 

Start healing yourself.

 

Start loving yourself.

 

And put the past in the PAST where it belongs.

 

I do wish you well.

[wildsoul]

No seriously - when Im depressed like this I am unbearable to have around and my friends/sisters do find me hard work. I feel like I have already drained them enough by going on and on about MM and how it hurts me and no one understands why I still go back for more.

 

I just feel so isolated when going through this becuase unless you have been an OW I dont think you would understand what the pain is like - and none of my friends have ever been in a situation like this so therefore theres only so much help they can give

Many people cannot understand love addiction. This is really what your problem is. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) exists exactly for people that are inordinately suffering from their relationships.

 

It's MORE than depression. You're caught up in love addiction. There's also a great book called "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. Trust me, you'll see yourself in there. It's all about the dance between love addicts and the people that abandon them.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Many people cannot understand love addiction. This is really what your problem is. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) exists exactly for people that are inordinately suffering from their relationships.

 

It's MORE than depression. You're caught up in love addiction. There's also a great book called "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. Trust me, you'll see yourself in there. It's all about the dance between love addicts and the people that abandon them.

 

Well if I am suffering from love addiction then that would explain alot.

 

Does it matter if the love is unrequited or not? In my case he obviously does not feel the same even though he has definately been attracted to me to some extent, he does not love me like I love him.

 

I will see if I can order that book you suggested - are there any more books you know of that may benefit me? A while ago I remember you mentioning one about breaking an addiction to a person or something like that?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't think it is situational either.

 

You admitted to basically waiting for him to call for the last year.

 

You are letting yourself be in this constant state of depression and anxiety.

 

If you really truly want to start healing -- change your cell number, block his number; change your email.

 

IF you truly want to stop hanging onto something that is NOT going to happen (he is not going to all of a sudden come to you a free man begging you to be his wife).

 

That is a fantasy.

 

Grieve the loss; mourn it but MOVE ON from it.

 

Start healing yourself.

 

Start loving yourself.

 

And put the past in the PAST where it belongs.

 

I do wish you well.

 

Thank you for your well wishes.

 

Although I have been hoping for contact from him for the last year its not as if I have not got on with my life in the meantime. In winter just gone the depression started to lift a bit after a terrible time during last summer/fall. I did have some good times with my friends etc although still not really interested in any other guys as I was too preoccupied with how I feel about MM. The way I feel about him is just so intense that nothing else even comes close so moving on will be extremely difficult and I just have no desire to be dating or anything for the foreseeable future.

[wildsoul]

Well if I am suffering from love addiction then that would explain alot.

 

Does it matter if the love is unrequited or not? In my case he obviously does not feel the same even though he has definately been attracted to me to some extent, he does not love me like I love him.

 

I will see if I can order that book you suggested - are there any more books you know of that may benefit me? A while ago I remember you mentioning one about breaking an addiction to a person or something like that?

The book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody will blow your mind. It shows the dance. Most "avoidance addicts" as she calls someone like MM, will pursue you very intensely! Then as soon as the love addict is hooked, they abandon you. It goes back and forth. There is a pattern.

 

The other book you're remembering is "Breaking Your Addiction to a Person" by Steve Halpern. That one is ESSENTIAL when you're in "love addicted withdrawal."

 

I admit that I got my love addiction active again with my xSM. It wasn't as bad as the R that got me into SLAA, but the fact that I got involved with the obviously unavailbale MARRIED person was a slip. But he knew how to deliver the perfect sexual/emotional fix for me. I was able to break it off, but I still have healing to do in that area.

[jj33]

HB I didnt want to hijack WS's thread on acceptance - but when you said it messes with your head when they blow hot and cold yes it does.

 

But the trick is once they do that you turn off. Someone who is REALLY in love with you doesnt blow hot and cold. They are constant and steady. The fact that they are married isnt a reason to cut them slack, its a reason to expect even more of a showing of devotion and committment to a growing relationship with you.

 

After all if a real R is what you want, then who needs someone who is committed to someone else, who isnt showing you that they are moving towards making you their one and only.

 

You need to tune him out. He has blown hot and cold SO many times. There are no more excuses for this man.

[wildsoul]

[i don't think I'm violating the TOS as this site isn't really selling anything.]

 

Here is a link to someone that recapped something from Pia Melody's book on love addiction.

 

http://www.psychotherapy-center.com/love_addiction.html

 

Read it starting at the top, left to right.

So there is the love addict's step one. Then read the avoidance addict's step one. Keep going. Does this dance sound familiar to you?

 

PS: They talk about the avoidance addict having another addiction. In the case of a MM, they *might* really be sex addicts (common in cheaters) but you could also substitute their marriage for the other thing they go to. What's key here isn't WHAT they go to when they avoid you, it's that they go AWAY.

 

PPS: You can also see how a cake eater can really play 2 women off of each other! He can be persuing one, while avoiding the other, then flips it around. (Wow, but I just got a HUGE answer for myself!)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

[i don't think I'm violating the TOS as this site isn't really selling anything.]

 

Here is a link to someone that recapped something from Pia Melody's book on love addiction.

 

http://www.psychotherapy-center.com/love_addiction.html

 

Read it starting at the top, left to right.

So there is the love addict's step one. Then read the avoidance addict's step one. Keep going. Does this dance sound familiar to you?

 

PS: They talk about the avoidance addict having another addiction. In the case of a MM, they *might* really be sex addicts (common in cheaters) but you could also substitute their marriage for the other thing they go to. What's key here isn't WHAT they go to when they avoid you, it's that they go AWAY.

 

PPS: You can also see how a cake eater can really play 2 women off of each other! He can be persuing one, while avoiding the other, then flips it around. (Wow, but I just got a HUGE answer for myself!)

 

OMG yes! I can really see myself on the left hand side and I think some of the 'sex addict' column may apply to the MM too.

 

Its really interesting.

[GreenEyedLady]

OMG yes! I can really see myself on the left hand side and I think some of the 'sex addict' column may apply to the MM too.

 

Its really interesting.

 

What I find really interesting is that sex addiction seems to only apply to men that are married...Would anyone really think about applying the term to single men who sleep with several women?

 

Maybe the man who is married and likes to sleep with many women is just a slut/manwhore. I can't find other words to describe it...Isn't that the term they use for females who sleep with a MP or more than one man?

 

But no, he's married so we give it a clinical term so he can escape the "stigma."

 

Puhleese...Men won't start taking responsibility because they don't have to...They have plenty of people to explain it away...

[bentnotbroken]

What I find really interesting is that sex addiction seems to only apply to men that are married...Would anyone really think about applying the term to single men who sleep with several women?

 

Maybe the man who is married and likes to sleep with many women is just a slut/manwhore. I can't find other words to describe it...Isn't that the term they use for females who sleep with a MP or more than one man?

 

But no, he's married so we give it a clinical term so he can escape the "stigma."

 

Puhleese...Men won't start taking responsibility because they don't have to...They have plenty of people to explain it away...

 

 

:lmao:Let me help. Heb!tch, mangina, hewhore. Thanks Duece:lmao:

[wildsoul]

What I find really interesting is that sex addiction seems to only apply to men that are married...Would anyone really think about applying the term to single men who sleep with several women?

Sex addiction doesn't have anything to do with one's marital status or gender. It has to do with acting compulsively in the pursuit of sex/romance, even though there are consequences, usually escalating over time. Typically there will be at least some efforts to manage or limit the behaviors, yet the addictive compulsion is stronger than one's will to stop.

 

In essence, a sex addict gets addicted to the neurotransmitter high that is generated. As everyone here says, affair energy is intense and packs a potent punch. For some people, that's a better high than any substance. Adrenaline, PEA, dopamine, oxytocin...all these are very addictive.

 

And being addicted to something does NOT absolve you of responsiblity to self or others! So it's not at all a way to escape stigma. However, it does mean that when non-addicts give advice to addicts, it may not apply. The usual "Dr Phil" stuff isn't enough. The compulsion is too great. An addict needs to understand that they "high" they get is different than normal people, and they have to work very hard to fix that. Far from being a free pass.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am going to arrange myself some counselling asap.

 

I will see someone privately as I cannot hang around for weeks waiting for a Dr referral so my first visit will hopefully be next week sometime.

 

Conveniently there is a counselling service in the same office block that I work in so I have no excuse not to go!

[wildsoul]

*big happy smile*

 

Atta' girl, HB! :bunny:

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I just feel so depressed about him that I cannot handle it, really dont know how I got through this week.

 

Counselling wont be a magic wand but its a start.

[wildsoul]

I just feel so depressed about him that I cannot handle it, really dont know how I got through this week.

 

Counselling wont be a magic wand but its a start.

No magic wand, but this CAN be your turnaround point.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Well its the weekend and although still very depressed I am going to paint a smile on and go out tonight as my sister has come to visit me. So I will be able to forget the MM just for a few hours, Im dreading her going home again tomorrow though as I just know all I will be able to do is think about him.

 

Still no phone call from him and the more time goes on the less likely he will call. Surely this time he will HAVE to call in the end though, he cannot leave me hanging after giving me all this hope and making plans?

 

I am just a complete mess right now, trying to think how his circumstances have changed and if they have then why cant he let me know and put me out of my misery - if I have closure I can move on. But how am I supposed to move forward if he has put me in this cruel dream world, then disappeared on me again???

 

What if he is too cowardly to just tell me things have changed and I can no longer come???

 

Its just so wrong to put this dream in front of me then not follow through - why contact me at all? Urgh I just feel so awful right now I cannot describe.

 

I have decided that if he calls within the next few weeks I will hear him out but give him hell for not calling, and if the offer is still there to go out there and see him - I will take a chance and just go if I can. It is not the safest place in the world but then I will have to be vigilant. If everyone avoided dangerous places no one would go anywhere! Also this place is somewhere that I would have considered going to as a backpacker when I go travelling one day anyway.

 

On the other hand if he tells me I can no longer come out there to be with him then at least I can have some closure and tell him a few home truths, then cut him out totally.

 

But I do not know when the 'cut off point' will be - how many weeks to I wait for his call this time before giving up? Its just awful. Wondering if perhaps I should call him, but Im too scared to do that.

 

Bleh.