His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[OldEurope]

Your problem is not this man. This man has no character.

 

Your problem is that you have zero self-esteem. And no future partner is going to tolerate you if you are this empty inside. For the sake of your own sense of worth and the future of your love life, stand tall, set this aside, and do not think of him a minute more.

 

I understand the pain you are going through. But when it gets to the point where your own self disintegrates and your dignity is shot, it is time to calmly close the door on something for good.

 

A man who loves a woman, a man who even respects a friend, does not "leave her dangling" except of course, God forbid, terrible personal circumstances he could find himself in.

 

But given his record, it is more of the same.

 

Do not wonder about him. Wonder about you. You are seriously punctured and damaged inside, and you must rebuild. Become passionate about certain areas of life, whatever your dreams are. Believe me, the men "appear" when you are most into your own thing.

 

xoOE

[PhoenixRise]

Well its the weekend and although still very depressed I am going to paint a smile on and go out tonight as my sister has come to visit me. So I will be able to forget the MM just for a few hours, Im dreading her going home again tomorrow though as I just know all I will be able to do is think about him.

 

Still no phone call from him and the more time goes on the less likely he will call. Surely this time he will HAVE to call in the end though, he cannot leave me hanging after giving me all this hope and making plans?

 

I am just a complete mess right now, trying to think how his circumstances have changed and if they have then why cant he let me know and put me out of my misery - if I have closure I can move on. But how am I supposed to move forward if he has put me in this cruel dream world, then disappeared on me again???

 

What if he is too cowardly to just tell me things have changed and I can no longer come???

 

Its just so wrong to put this dream in front of me then not follow through - why contact me at all? Urgh I just feel so awful right now I cannot describe.

 

I have decided that if he calls within the next few weeks I will hear him out but give him hell for not calling, and if the offer is still there to go out there and see him - I will take a chance and just go if I can. It is not the safest place in the world but then I will have to be vigilant. If everyone avoided dangerous places no one would go anywhere! Also this place is somewhere that I would have considered going to as a backpacker when I go travelling one day anyway.

 

On the other hand if he tells me I can no longer come out there to be with him then at least I can have some closure and tell him a few home truths, then cut him out totally.

 

But I do not know when the 'cut off point' will be - how many weeks to I wait for his call this time before giving up? Its just awful. Wondering if perhaps I should call him, but Im too scared to do that.

 

Bleh.

 

HB

 

No he does not HAVE to call you to let you know anything. He has not called in all this time and what is his consequence for that?

 

You have said that if/when he calls you will hear him out and if going to where he is is still an option you will go. He knows he can treat you like crap and you will still run to him so he WILL continue to treat you like crap.

 

You can choose to sit around waiting for a call that may never come from a man who has never treated you well or you can close the door on this relationship and start to heal.

 

I hope you take this in the spirit which it is intended.

 

A MAN will never love a doormat. He will use a doormat. He will wipe his feet on a doormat. But he will never love a doormat. You telegraph with your every action that YOU don't think you are worth a damn and that you don't think you bring anything of value to the relationship. He believes about you what you believe about yourself.

 

A man has to respect you to love you HB.

You can't need a man into loving you.

 

I saw in some earlier posts where you are going to seek therapy. I hope you do and I wish you the best of luck.

[jj33]

HB you HAVE closure if you choose to view it that way.

 

He treated you like dirt.

 

He left and went to another country with his family.

 

He only called when his W and children were going to be away and he might be at loose ends and then (apparently because that changed due to the presence of a local girl no doubt) he never called again. That is not love.

 

He is NEVER going to call and say I dont love you its over. Why would he when he feels he can leave the door open in case he is at loose ends again in the future?

 

You are the only one who can give yourself closure. Understandably you are hurt because you got your hopes up again.

 

But the answer is not to wait for an explanation. It is to allow yourself to feel ashamed for believing this man yet again, and pick yourself up and say ok he is not the man for me because the man for me would NEVER treat me this way.

 

And start healing by going to a counselor and putting distance between yourself and this man.

 

Otherwise there is no closure. Just random incidents with him, leaving you feeling used and hurt yet again.

 

I feel for you. xMM contacted me several times this week with news, requests, suggstions, etc etc. Yes he clearly is grasping at straws for ways to be in touch with me but WHO CARES. He is married. If it werent for our business relationship I would block his calls and his emails.

 

You need to take the same stance. However as you have NO independent reason to be in touch with him, you need to block him. Block his number, block his email block it all. He has NOTHING important to say to you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey all, thank you so much for all the kind words over the last few days. Having a very difficult week and cannot seem to escape feeling so depressed, really am in such a bad place right now and feel no one understands. I have spoken to my sisters about my situation until Im blue in the face, I am tired of having the same repetetive conversations and I think they are too. It frustrates me as I feel no one understands how I feel and as well as feeling so low I feel like screaming sometimes and lashing out.

 

Because of the nature of the situation I obviously cannot just tell any old Tom Dick or Harry, so hiding my feelings at work etc is very difficult - although I wear my heart on my forehead!!! So people know somethings wrong as Im usually a very bubbly person, when they ask whats wrong I hate that I cannot tell them. Its like being trapped in a bad dream and theres only a handful of people I can confide in.

 

Also, I think this has been mentioned before on here - you never do understand how painful it is unless you have ever been an OW and this is so true. I try to explain the level of pain to my sisters and they just dont get it, then it makes me more upset and then get aggressive towards them.

 

I cannot even put it into words how dreadful I feel - its a mixture of emotions. Extreme confusion over whats going on with MM and why he hasnt contacted me since offering me the moon on a stick, frustration and anger at the whole thing and it makes me take it out on those closest to me, loneliness as I still miss him living with me etc, and also now the dream of us being together may have been taken from me everything just seems so crap and I just have no motivation to carry on with anything - I keep thinking what could have been. I do not know how much more I can take.

 

I almost feel embarassed having to put this as it shows everyone Loveshack that I have not made progress and not taken the golden advice thats given to me on here. People - the advice does not fall on deaf ears, it is a great help when I feel like this even if right now I do not take all of it on board, such as cutting him out of my life. I love him too much to do that, even though the love is obviously unrequited.

 

I didnt mention a couple of minor things in my OP but perhaps worth mentioning now:

 

He added me on Facebook the day his wife and kids were supposed to have left on the 22nd April but under a different name and with no other friends on his friend list. He put enough information in the 'education info' and 'hometown' info for me to know it was definately him, he apparently is on there under a random name, adding me and only me. I did not accept the friend request though as I was actually a bit confused why he would add me under the guise of his middle name and a random surname. Odd...?

 

Also about 2 weeks ago I had a weird voicemail left on my cell - I think it was him trying to call me but I was on the phone to someone else and got this when I finished talking to my Mother. When I listened it sounded like a foreign call box as it kept perpetually bleeping and the voicemail went on for a few minutes but no talking. I just know it was him, but then he hasnt tried since.

 

About 2 weeks ago I sent him an email pretending I didnt know about the friend request on Facebook or the attempted call, in the email I just asked what was going on and for him to contact me and this time round I would not wait for his call for months - although I did word it very well. Im not sure if he would have looked at the email though, I remember him once saying to me he had several email accounts - I only know one of them. I just want to talk to him. I just cannot stop crying.

[Owl]

I'd suggest IC...and see your doctor about AD medication. I'd also add in there working out/excersise...as all of this can help you deal with the stress and depression you're dealing with as a result of the affair.

 

I'm not saying "get over it"...but I AM saying that you can't expect anything to improve if you're not actively working to get there.

 

You're still mentally in the affair...you've not "given up" yet...so you're not going to start healing yet. Until you CHOOSE to move on...you're not going to.

 

I'd disagree with you about people not being able to understand what you're going through...people have empathy, which is one of the hallmarks of being human.

 

Unlike critters, we have the ability to "put ourselves in their place"...and view a situation from there.

 

Add to that that many of us have been through similar emotional trauma due to having been on one of the other points of this triangle...it means that you're not alone in your pain, especially on this site.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'd suggest IC...and see your doctor about AD medication. I'd also add in there working out/excersise...as all of this can help you deal with the stress and depression you're dealing with as a result of the affair.

 

I'm not saying "get over it"...but I AM saying that you can't expect anything to improve if you're not actively working to get there.

 

You're still mentally in the affair...you've not "given up" yet...so you're not going to start healing yet. Until you CHOOSE to move on...you're not going to.

 

I'd disagree with you about people not being able to understand what you're going through...people have empathy, which is one of the hallmarks of being human.

 

Unlike critters, we have the ability to "put ourselves in their place"...and view a situation from there.

 

Add to that that many of us have been through similar emotional trauma due to having been on one of the other points of this triangle...it means that you're not alone in your pain, especially on this site.

 

I am a little scared of taking anti depressants - a relative of mine has been on Prozac for 20 years and is dependant on the stuff, if she tries to come off it she has very violent mood swings. I will be getting private counselling very soon although it is alot more expensive than I expected but it will be worth it hopefully. As for exercising - I love it and usually work out for about 10 hours a week but during the last 3 weeks since MM has apparently left me out in the cold again, I just have not had the motivation to do any - all I feel like doing when at home is just moping around. Even music doesnt sound as good right now which means I must be bad.

 

I know most people do have empathy, and I have read your threads Owl and understand you have experienced this level of pain if not worse as you are a former BS.

 

Everyone on LS is very helpful and understanding and I am so glad I found this site. People here know exactly what Im going through.

 

However there are many people I wish I could talk to about my situation in real life but feel I cant because most people would judge me for being involved with a MM and assume I have no morals. For example - my parents know theres been something wrong over the last year, really wish I could talk to them about it but I know what they would say...

 

My best friend cannot bear to hear the MMs name mentioned anymore - her husband actually left her for OW so therefore she just thinks its wrong on every level.

[bentnotbroken]

May I ask an honest question? Why would you engage in something that you know is wrong and then not want others(family and friends) to tell you it is wrong? I always see AP talk about judging. I could be wrong, but I have never understood how saying that something is wrong is judging.

 

Your parents did it while you were growing up. You and I do it when we see the news and see that a child has been molested. We all hear day in and day out. From colleagues, from teachers, from parents, from bosses. Why is it with A's it is only called judgement, in Tami's word, why not call a spade a spade. This isn't meant as in you personally, but affair partners generally. Is it because they know deep down the destruction it causes so many, including themselves or is it they truly feel the are held to a higher standard than everyone else.

[Owl]

I had the same response as BNB.

 

If you know it's wrong...if you know that it's so wrong that you cannot talk with your best friend, your parents, etc...

 

And yes, I know...you're "in love" with him.

 

But as we've discussed...this is where you've opted to be.

 

The fact that you CAN'T talk with anyone about it should be one more voice in your head, screaming at you to make a change.

 

My kids are just a little younger than you are. My advice to them would be pretty much what I'm giving you. If you know it's wrong, and you intentionally continue to do it...then you suffer the consequences until you decide to change your behaviors and attitudes on the subject.

 

You're suffering the consequences now...you're hurting and alone and can't talk to any of your support chain...because you're in the wrong and knowingly and intentionally choose to continue to do the wrong thing.

 

You'll stay in that boat until you decide to change.

 

This isn't meant to "beat you up"...but I hope it's just one more "indicator" to you about what needs to happen for your life to improve.

[whichwayisup]

He added me on Facebook the day his wife and kids were supposed to have left on the 22nd April but under a different name and with no other friends on his friend list. He put enough information in the 'education info' and 'hometown' info for me to know it was definately him, he apparently is on there under a random name, adding me and only me. I did not accept the friend request though as I was actually a bit confused why he would add me under the guise of his middle name and a random surname. Odd...?

No not odd - He's being devious. And, you know why he's added you as his only friend under another name...He isn't leaving his wife and they aren't getting divorced. You should be insulted and delete him off your facebook. Seriously, consider doing that.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I had the same response as BNB.

 

If you know it's wrong...if you know that it's so wrong that you cannot talk with your best friend, your parents, etc...

 

And yes, I know...you're "in love" with him.

 

But as we've discussed...this is where you've opted to be.

 

The fact that you CAN'T talk with anyone about it should be one more voice in your head, screaming at you to make a change.

 

My kids are just a little younger than you are. My advice to them would be pretty much what I'm giving you. If you know it's wrong, and you intentionally continue to do it...then you suffer the consequences until you decide to change your behaviors and attitudes on the subject.

 

You're suffering the consequences now...you're hurting and alone and can't talk to any of your support chain...because you're in the wrong and knowingly and intentionally choose to continue to do the wrong thing.

 

You'll stay in that boat until you decide to change.

 

This isn't meant to "beat you up"...but I hope it's just one more "indicator" to you about what needs to happen for your life to improve.

 

I get what you mean. Although its not so much "guilt" that is preventing me from telling my parents and certain friends, but more to do with the fact I do not think they would be able to grasp my situation, how it happened and why I choose to carry on waiting for him. Or how deeply I feel for him and how much pain I am actually in and that it stops me carrying on with everyday life. Oh, and the people I do talk to about it are sick of hearing about it so I have hit a wall. I cannot bear to burden them with it anymore.

 

Thats not to say I do not feel guilty about everything however, in the beginning when we first met just over 2 years ago and he started hitting on me, I felt extremely bad about it. It went on for over a year before I finally gave in to my intense feelings and let him kiss me. But when he moved out of here in June '08 (we were roommates) the pain of him abandoning me was so terrible - it kind of took over any guilty feelings I once had. Since then I have been through hell because life seems so terrible without him, and now he put that dream in front of me then has suddenly given me the silent treatment - I feel dreadful and at rock bottom once again.

 

Owl I know you are frustrated beyond belief that I do not seem to be making progress to the 'moving on' stage, however I will find it impossible to do that without talking to MM first. I NEED answers. I DESERVE answers. Until he has explained WHY then I just cannot move on.

 

At the moment it is just impossible to move on - he obviously contacted me with the intention of spending at least 6 months with me, thats what his email said amongst other things. That is half a year which is commitment, he wanted me to go and be with him asap and even got us a flat out there. His wife left to come back to this country on 22nd April, he said their marriage was 'done' and that she was a 'bitch from hell, and he always knew she was anyway'. I had dreams of living out there with the man I love and in a brilliant location. I couldnt wait to be in his arms again, and I had so much I wanted to share with him.

 

The whole thing may be ficticious, or perhaps not. I have no idea what has happened and it is screwing my head up. I need to know, I cannot rest until I get answers.

[wildsoul]

No not odd - He's being devious. And, you know why he's added you as his only friend under another name...He isn't leaving his wife and they aren't getting divorced. You should be insulted and delete him off your facebook. Seriously, consider doing that.

She said that she didn't actually add him after receiving the reequest.

 

But HB, I'm surprised that your reaction was confusion to something so very obvious! No judgement, but that does reveal that something is amiss with your thinking process.

 

I was listening to some podcast yesterday and it talked about how victims of abusers routinely make rationalizations and excuses for their abuser, rather than have the natural backbone to call a spade a spade. It did make me think of (((you.)))

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

No not odd - He's being devious. And, you know why he's added you as his only friend under another name...He isn't leaving his wife and they aren't getting divorced. You should be insulted and delete him off your facebook. Seriously, consider doing that.

 

I never even accepted the friend request from him - I was a bit freaked out by it actually. I didnt like the idea of him keeping tabs on me - seeing all my photos, my friends comments to me etc.

 

I thought it was rich considering he cant seem to ring, text or email me - yet he could sit at his PC and look at what Im doing...without saying a word to me. I just thought it was weird.

[fooled once]

Let's say you don't get answers? Or at least answers that you can hear. He is showing you by his lack of communication he is not interested in you that way. Sure, he would have you come over so he wouldn't be lonely; but things have changed.

 

Yet you don't see his lack of communication as an indication of anything.

 

IF you really love him - call him. I mean, I can't believe you haven't called. I think you KNOW deep down that he has used you, he doesn't love you yet if you call him and he doesn't tell you what you want to hear, you will finally - FINALLY - have to face it that he is not meant for you.

 

He has lied to you.

 

He is sleeping with his wife each and every night.

 

He has hurt you over and over again.

 

Yet you cling to a thin string that you will have a relationship with him.

 

IF he said to you -- "Hey, come over while my wife is out of town. We can screw all day and night. BUT know that once she comes back, you are gone. I don't love you and I never will, but I will be lonely without my wife. Will you come" --- what would you do?

 

Honestly, I see you jumping and going.

 

You won't let go.

 

That is on you.

 

What is it going to take for you to realize you have no future with him? Are you going to wait another month to see if he contacts you? How much longer are you going to put your life on hold for this loser?

[JeezLouise]

I never even accepted the friend request from him - I was a bit freaked out by it actually. I didnt like the idea of him keeping tabs on me - seeing all my photos, my friends comments to me etc.

 

I thought it was rich considering he cant seem to ring, text or email me - yet he could sit at his PC and look at what Im doing...without saying a word to me. I just thought it was weird.

 

It could have been his wife.

[whichwayisup]

I never even accepted the friend request from him - I was a bit freaked out by it actually. I didnt like the idea of him keeping tabs on me - seeing all my photos, my friends comments to me etc.

 

I thought it was rich considering he cant seem to ring, text or email me - yet he could sit at his PC and look at what Im doing...without saying a word to me. I just thought it was weird.

 

OOps, sorry about that Heart..My mistake, must have read it the wrong way..

 

Yeah he shouldn't know ANYTHING about you and your life since he's not in it anymore. Let him wonder.....

 

It's weird and creepy. It's also HIS way of getting a 'fix.'

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

WWIU - Yeah I know, THE AUDACITY OF IT!!! Why should he see what Im doing on Facebook when I know NOTHING about his life, and have so many unanswered questions? Urgh.

 

Jeez - do you really think theres a chance it may have been his wife??? Not sure if she knows my full name. Actually - I wonder if she found out about me then decided not to leave? He was a clever and secretive man but I guess everyone makes silly mistakes, perhaps he didnt sign out of the email account he uses to message me - or perhaps she found other evidence. But according to him the marriage was over. I just dont know.

[Owl]

I get what you mean. Although its not so much "guilt" that is preventing me from telling my parents and certain friends, but more to do with the fact I do not think they would be able to grasp my situation, how it happened and why I choose to carry on waiting for him. Or how deeply I feel for him and how much pain I am actually in and that it stops me carrying on with everyday life. Oh, and the people I do talk to about it are sick of hearing about it so I have hit a wall. I cannot bear to burden them with it anymore.

 

Your parents can probably "get" a LOT more than you'd ever think that they could. Trust me on that one. It's not like they were just one day fully formed beings created from the ether...they grew up and learned just like you have...by screwing up.

 

They can "get" how much you care, how you got to where you are...but what you're probably really not wanting to hear is that it doesn't matter. None of that really matters...nor does it change what it will take to actually FIX the problem here.

 

You just THINK it matters...or that it impacts the steps needed to resolve the issue.

 

 

Owl I know you are frustrated beyond belief that I do not seem to be making progress to the 'moving on' stage, however I will find it impossible to do that without talking to MM first. I NEED answers. I DESERVE answers. Until he has explained WHY then I just cannot move on.

 

No, you don't.

 

You don't NEED the answers. You don't DESERVE the answers.

 

You WANT the answers.

 

They are NOT required to solve the problem...to resolve the issues.

 

You just want to believe these things so that you get the answers.

 

They're IRRELEVENT to the problem...especially to the resolution. But you insist that they are, simply because you don't want to consider not having the answers.

 

You already know the solution...you don't like it. Insisting on the answers simply sets the stage for you to continue the affair...it sets it up to avoid the solution that you know is required here.

 

I'm not talking down to you here...but realize I've been doing this for a good length of time now...I've seen tons of repeat stories, many very similar to yours.

 

The "answers" aren't required...they're your best way to insist on further contact with MM at this point, which is why you're obsessed on them. They'll get you your next "fix" of him.

[JeezLouise]

Jeez - do you really think theres a chance it may have been his wife??? Not sure if she knows my full name. Actually - I wonder if she found out about me then decided not to leave? He was a clever and secretive man but I guess everyone makes silly mistakes, perhaps he didnt sign out of the email account he uses to message me - or perhaps she found other evidence. But according to him the marriage was over. I just dont know.

 

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it was his wife.

 

It WOULD surprise me a lot if she "decided not to leave" because she found out about you, because I don't think that they were seriously talking about a marital separation at all.

 

Think about it - his wife moves back to the States, and so he has to get a new flat? Wouldn't it make a LOT more sense to just live where he was?

 

It buggers my mind that you believe every word that comes out of his mouth. He is a lying cheat who treated you miserably, and you act as though he poots golden flatulent air.

 

Do you believe that this is all you worth? A man who treats you like this?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Let's say you don't get answers? Or at least answers that you can hear. He is showing you by his lack of communication he is not interested in you that way. Sure, he would have you come over so he wouldn't be lonely; but things have changed.

 

Yet you don't see his lack of communication as an indication of anything.

 

IF you really love him - call him. I mean, I can't believe you haven't called. I think you KNOW deep down that he has used you, he doesn't love you yet if you call him and he doesn't tell you what you want to hear, you will finally - FINALLY - have to face it that he is not meant for you.

 

He has lied to you.

 

He is sleeping with his wife each and every night.

 

He has hurt you over and over again.

 

Yet you cling to a thin string that you will have a relationship with him.

 

IF he said to you -- "Hey, come over while my wife is out of town. We can screw all day and night. BUT know that once she comes back, you are gone. I don't love you and I never will, but I will be lonely without my wife. Will you come" --- what would you do?

 

Honestly, I see you jumping and going.

 

You won't let go.

 

That is on you.

 

What is it going to take for you to realize you have no future with him? Are you going to wait another month to see if he contacts you? How much longer are you going to put your life on hold for this loser?

 

He is showing you by his lack of communication he is not interested in you that way. Sure, he would have you come over so he wouldn't be lonely; but things have changed.

[/quote]

I find it very hard to believe that he is not interested in me in that way - honestly you should have heard him in his emails and on the phone. He made me think we had a future and that his marriage was honestly over. Really, it is not my fault about this - he contacted me! You cannot blame me for thinking he must be interested, and how bizarre it would be if suddenly he no longer wants me, lke he can just switch his feelings off. Something has obviously changed and I want to know what is going on. I definately deserve answers after being put in this cruel dream world and am now extremely depressed.

 

IF you really love him - call him. I mean, I can't believe you haven't called. I think you KNOW deep down that he has used you, he doesn't love you yet if you call him and he doesn't tell you what you want to hear, you will finally - FINALLY - have to face it that he is not meant for you.

I really want to call him actually but I am too scared although I dont see why I should be frightened of rejection - HES the one who initially contacted ME asking me to go out there to be with him and offering me the sun moon and stars! So if I still have not heard anything in a few days - I plan to send him a text, and if still nothing I will try calling. Yikes! But when it comes down to it, I probably wont be able to face doing it.

 

Yet you cling to a thin string that you will have a relationship with him.

IF he said to you -- "Hey, come over while my wife is out of town. We can screw all day and night. BUT know that once she comes back, you are gone. I don't love you and I never will, but I will be lonely without my wife. Will you come" --- what would you do?

Honestly, I see you jumping and going.

You won't let go.

Yes I really am finding it hard to let go - I just do not know what to do. The way I feel right now, I would probably accept any crumbs at all that he can offer. I would not do this with anyone else though. I am not INTERESTED in anyone else. I love this man so intensely, he is very special to me. I will explain why in a new post shortly...

[wildsoul]

What more answer do you need? He brutally abandoned you.

 

That IS your answer sweetheart.

Abandonment like that is not okay in any way, shape, or form!

 

These attempts by you to say you need to speak to him for "closure," are just a way for you to avoid feeling the terrible pain of being abandoned. You're prolonging it, by in effect saying, "I'm not going to assume he's abandoned me, that would hurt too much and force me to leave him. So I'm going to wait it out and see if he's REALLY abandoned me."

 

You've already been killed, HB. You're like a ghost wandering around the murder site, instead of going to the light to be reborn.

[SerenityX2]

Your parents can probably "get" a LOT more than you'd ever think that they could. Trust me on that one. It's not like they were just one day fully formed beings created from the ether...they grew up and learned just like you have...by screwing up.

 

They can "get" how much you care, how you got to where you are...but what you're probably really not wanting to hear is that it doesn't matter. None of that really matters...nor does it change what it will take to actually FIX the problem here.

 

You just THINK it matters...or that it impacts the steps needed to resolve the issue.

 

 

 

No, you don't.

 

You don't NEED the answers. You don't DESERVE the answers.

 

You WANT the answers.

 

They are NOT required to solve the problem...to resolve the issues.

 

You just want to believe these things so that you get the answers.

 

They're IRRELEVENT to the problem...especially to the resolution. But you insist that they are, simply because you don't want to consider not having the answers.

 

You already know the solution...you don't like it. Insisting on the answers simply sets the stage for you to continue the affair...it sets it up to avoid the solution that you know is required here.

 

I'm not talking down to you here...but realize I've been doing this for a good length of time now...I've seen tons of repeat stories, many very similar to yours.

 

The "answers" aren't required...they're your best way to insist on further contact with MM at this point, which is why you're obsessed on them. They'll get you your next "fix" of him.

 

And this is what you refuse to see HB...I agree totally with the you don't need or deserve...in fact coming from a guy who totally disregards what people may need and "deserve" ....look at what he's doing to his wife.

 

Right, you're different:rolleyes: Look from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry you are in pain, but YOU are putting yourself there and will continue so as long as you stubbornly assert he needs, or must do anything for you.

 

Well that's it....thanks for letting me finally see you don't really want help, you'd rather wallow in the comfortable (pain) than understand it's going to keep being painful until YOU stop it.

 

Good luck....I'm out.....

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

And this is what you refuse to see HB...I agree totally with the you don't need or deserve...in fact coming from a guy who totally disregards what people may need and "deserve" ....look at what he's doing to his wife.

 

Right, you're different:rolleyes: Look from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry you are in pain, but YOU are putting yourself there and will continue so as long as you stubbornly assert he needs, or must do anything for you.

 

Well that's it....thanks for letting me finally see you don't really want help, you'd rather wallow in the comfortable (pain) than understand it's going to keep being painful until YOU stop it.

 

Good luck....I'm out.....

 

Of course I hate being in this pain, believe me it is no picnic. I am crying as I write this due to total frustration that some people on here seem to think Im an emotional masciocist and keep going back for more because I enjoy being in pain. Its not true - I give him the benefit of the doubt every time he contacts me because I love this man. I love him so much and just cannot put this to bed.

 

He is obviously not helping by offering me this dream then apparently snatching it away from me. If he had just left me alone and not dug all this up I would have been alot better for it. OK so I did still love him and couldnt move on, but most of the pain had stopped and we had gone months with NC (on his terms of course). Now hes pulled this stroke the depression is back again, but because of how deeply I love him I wanted to believe what he was telling me and give him a chance.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

What more answer do you need? He brutally abandoned you.

 

That IS your answer sweetheart.

Abandonment like that is not okay in any way, shape, or form!

 

These attempts by you to say you need to speak to him for "closure," are just a way for you to avoid feeling the terrible pain of being abandoned. You're prolonging it, by in effect saying, "I'm not going to assume he's abandoned me, that would hurt too much and force me to leave him. So I'm going to wait it out and see if he's REALLY abandoned me."

 

You've already been killed, HB. You're like a ghost wandering around the murder site, instead of going to the light to be reborn.

 

Yes but remember he did this before - when he moved out of this house when we were roommates and moved his family to this area last summer. He cut me out of his life, just like that.

 

But he came back and offered me this, I thought he realized we were meant to be...

 

Now he appears to have done it again.

 

But he came back before...he will probably come back again at some point. I just have no idea when. Urgh this is torture and I do not deserve it. I want nothing more than to just be with him. Sorry if this is frustrating for you, hearing me going on like this.

 

I would feel alot different if it was someone else going through this and I was on the outside looking in, however I am in the middle of it so cannot see the wood for the trees. I appologize if I sound crazy. :(

[wildsoul]

OK so I did still love him and couldnt move on, but most of the pain had stopped and we had gone months with NC (on his terms of course). Now hes pulled this stroke the depression is back again, but because of how deeply I love him I wanted to believe what he was telling me and give him a chance.

Yeppers. That's why everyone says NC is for you. It's when you love yourself enough to let go of the person you're addicted to.

[JeezLouise]

Urgh this is torture and I do not deserve it. I want nothing more than to just be with him.

 

Two things.

 

You may not deserve it, but you are allowing it.

 

You may want to be with him, but he obviously does not want to be with you in any meaningful way.