His Wife Is Leaving and MM Said He Wants To See Me...

[jj33]

HB - some people are really strong. They get out the minute that they know there is a problem. I cant claim to have been that strong. I got out when the pain outweighed the pleasure. I couldnt take the pain. Im no hero. Being in touch with him has prolonged my getting over him, no question. It was the right decision given my situation, but its been far more painful than it might have been if Id simply gone cold turkey faced some intense pain for some period of time and then let it fade. It was painful anyway. Every contact was like a knife the first few months. But I have stayed out because I know I cant live that way forever. I cant be number 2.

 

You say you stay because it feels good sometimes. But as you say you cant afford the depression.

 

You dont HAVE to go into a depression that is as bad as what you experienced last summer.

 

You can reframe it. He didnt offer you a dream. He offered you something that wasnt workable for you just because it suited him. This dream is a fantasy.

 

It may take time, but in time you will look at it and say yes there are things about our relationship that I want in a relationship with someone else. I know that it exists.

 

But that is alot different than expecting that someday you will get the whole package from him.

[fooled once]

I am addicted to that feeling of being turned on by him. Being with him awakened my sexual desires. Before him I was content just being 'on my own' if you get me but since getting intimate with him it just does not cut the mustard anymore. I physically ache for him and amongst everything else I just cannot cope with the severe sexual frustration. Seriously I cant. I only have sex with men I love, I do not have one night stands, EVER. So going out and meeting a random stranger to let my frustration out with is not an option for me. Its that emotional connection and intimacy you have with someone rather than just the physical sensations that does it for me. I cannot have one without the other. Right now, and for the last God knows how long - its only HIM that I have wanted in that way. But I cant have him so as well as the depression I have THIS to put up with as well. Its just such fun being me.

 

But you CAN and HAVE lived without him and you will continue to.

 

I also think you have made it more than it actually was -- meaning sometimes we make our memories larger than life to help sustain us.

 

Just remember --- he abandoned you not ONCE but TWICE now.

 

Maybe look into some self help books you can check out from the library on learning to love yourself and stop allowing yourself to be bullied and abused.

 

FOCUS on work -- don't let him take away your job.

 

Focus on finding HAPPINESS within yourself instead of relying on someone else to make you happy.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB - some people are really strong. They get out the minute that they know there is a problem. I cant claim to have been that strong. I got out when the pain outweighed the pleasure. I couldnt take the pain. Im no hero. Being in touch with him has prolonged my getting over him, no question. It was the right decision given my situation, but its been far more painful than it might have been if Id simply gone cold turkey faced some intense pain for some period of time and then let it fade. It was painful anyway. Every contact was like a knife the first few months. But I have stayed out because I know I cant live that way forever. I cant be number 2.

 

You say you stay because it feels good sometimes. But as you say you cant afford the depression.

 

You dont HAVE to go into a depression that is as bad as what you experienced last summer.

 

You can reframe it. He didnt offer you a dream. He offered you something that wasnt workable for you just because it suited him. This dream is a fantasy.

 

It may take time, but in time you will look at it and say yes there are things about our relationship that I want in a relationship with someone else. I know that it exists.

 

But that is alot different than expecting that someday you will get the whole package from him.

 

Ok yeah I agree, there are people who just take no crap whatsoever and would just want out at the first sign of trouble.

 

Some just would not even get involved with married people in the first place, they just wouldnt. Full stop. They may think that they are worth more and whats the point in getting into such a situation where the odds are stacked against you. Also moral reasons. If you asked 100 people in a room 'is it acceptable to date/sleep with/be involved with a married person?' I think everyone would say its wrong. However morals are very abstract - yes peoples first reaction would be 'its not acceptable' but then every situation where people are in an affair is different.

 

But jj - when you realized it was just as painful to be 'in it' as it would be 'out of it', you chose to get out of the situation and your self respect is still intact.

 

I know it certainly has not been a walk in the park for you, I know that although it must have been 'over' for a good 18 months now - it does still affect you. It doesnt help that you still have to work with him obviously. I just dont know how you got through it! I literally couldnt bear it if I had been in your situation and had to still have contact with him, to still want him yet not be able to have him, also having to face him most days whether it be a phone call, email or face to face meeting. And to have to put up with and resist all of his flirtations despite the fact your body must still be saying 'yes' but your well screwed on head says 'no'.

 

Oh and I do hope that you are sleeping a little better these days and not having those vivid and disturbing nightmares anymore.

 

I am obviously one who has a high 'putting up with crap' threshold, considering how I cannot let go despite everything my MM has put me through. OK I take some of the blame as I do suffer with my mental health sometimes. Had I been an emotionally stable person this would not have got me down as much as it has. I sometimes feel he has put a spell on me, because no matter how dispicable he is towards me - I cannot stop loving the guy. Argh.

 

When you said in a previous post that I am not even his mistress, and that he has downgraded me to someone he contacts only when it suits him - it did shock me. But unfortunately you are correct. I cannot believe the cheek of him. It is just so hard to come to terms with considering how close we once were - and when we were roommates he spent more hours together with me during a week than him and his wife would! At one point I was the person he had the most contact with. For over a year - he saw more of me than he did his wife. It went from that, to just nothing. This honestly is the most emotionally painful thing I have been through in my life.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Great awareness and honesty HB! You've got some long-standing patterns to undo, but this really can be the best turnaround point of your life.

 

I've got your new theme song ready. It's by a 2 woman comedy team called Garfunkel and Oates. The song is called "Self Esteem."

 

Love it!

 

*sings* 'MY SELF ESTEEMS NOT LOW ENOUGH TO TAKE YOU!!!'

 

[dateyounow]

I'm sorry you just made me spill my drink in my lap. Is this how you wanted to be treated, like the wife? He is tired of you, you will be replaced the same way the wife was. This is a self esteem issues. You need to step back and review your situation.

[jj33]

I understand HB. Its hard to come to terms with. I have been in your shoes with other men they were single but its the same thing. If you loved someone and they didnt love you the same way or you thought they did and afterwards when its over you find that they didnt it hurts.

 

It hurts alot. And facing up to it is hard. But we all have to do that in life. It is painful but you move on. You dont "cast pearls before swine" - you put your energies where you are appreciated.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

But you CAN and HAVE lived without him and you will continue to.

 

I also think you have made it more than it actually was -- meaning sometimes we make our memories larger than life to help sustain us.

 

Just remember --- he abandoned you not ONCE but TWICE now.

 

Maybe look into some self help books you can check out from the library on learning to love yourself and stop allowing yourself to be bullied and abused.

 

FOCUS on work -- don't let him take away your job.

 

Focus on finding HAPPINESS within yourself instead of relying on someone else to make you happy.

 

FOCUS on work -- don't let him take away your job.

Thank you for your kind words Fooled Once.

 

Seeing this post this morning really made me think.

 

I was tempted to call in sick as I just couldnt face getting out of bed today due to my depressive state, Im also very tired and run down due to not sleeping properly from all the stress. But after reading this I thought 'no, I WILL carry on and just have to face it'.

 

I almost lost my job last summer because of him. I will at least try not to let it affect my work this time round.

[bentnotbroken]

Never, ever let anyone be the cause of your loss of livelihood. Haven't you given him enough? Hasn't he taken enough?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Never, ever let anyone be the cause of your loss of livelihood. Haven't you given him enough? Hasn't he taken enough?

 

Yeah exactly! I will not let him take anymore from me. Enough is enough.

[jj33]

You sound much stronger today HB. Im so glad. Just keep posting and everyone here will support you. It doesnt always feel like support when all you want to hear is that your dearest dream will come true but it is.

 

Every morning if you wake up and dont want to do what needs to be done just remember, life may feel like it sucks but it will suck a lot worse if you lose your job!

 

And each day you are going to get stronger and stronger and eventually you willl look back and be very proud of yourself for how strong you are and how you came through this.

[fooled once]

and when we were roommates he spent more hours together with me during a week than him and his wife would! At one point I was the person he had the most contact with. For over a year - he saw more of me than he did his wife.

 

I can say the same thing about my boss. I saw him every single day for 9 hours a day. I see my husband about 5 (awake hours).

 

But that doesn't mean my boss means more to me than my husband - far from it.

 

YOU CAN DO IT.

 

LET GO -- I know those words sound simply and the action is harder, but basically, there is already nothing for you to be hanging onto except memories. And with our memories, we tend to over look the bad times yet expand and exaggerate the good times. We don't want to hurt, so we make it seem like the bad times weren't really "that bad".

 

But your bad times with him far out weigh the good times in terms of character of him.

 

KEEP going to work. KEEP getting up each day and putting one step forward.

 

And please - change your cell and email contact information.

 

YOU put the period on the end of the 'relationship'.

[sugarmomma]

Great awareness and honesty HB! You've got some long-standing patterns to undo, but this really can be the best turnaround point of your life.

 

I've got your new theme song ready. It's by a 2 woman comedy team called Garfunkel and Oates. The song is called "Self Esteem."

 

 

WS

 

That video is PRICELESS!!! I LOVE IT.

 

HB, HANG IN THERE!!! YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE THE LIGHT

[sugarmomma]

 

thank you for your kind words fooled once.

 

Seeing this post this morning really made me think.

 

I was tempted to call in sick as i just couldnt face getting out of bed today due to my depressive state, im also very tired and run down due to not sleeping properly from all the stress. But after reading this i thought 'no, i will carry on and just have to face it'.

 

I almost lost my job last summer because of him. I will at least try not to let it affect my work this time round.

 

atah girl hb!!!

 

We are here for you and we will get you through this and you will look back and wonder "what the hell was i thinking!!