Lust turning into something more...

[Shimmy]

I met this guy about a year ago, and it was pretty much lust at first sight (on my part). Although he didn't notice me at first we got to know each other a little better and found that we got along extremely well. I really enjoy his company, and was surprised at how much we had in common despite an 8yr age gap. However, he is in a relationship at the moment, living with his on-off girlfriend and having trouble finding a place to move out. It is a relationship of convenience more than anything else; he stays with her despite knowing how toxic the whole situation is (3rd parties have confirmed this).

 

Well one night he lent over and kissed me. At first I was stand offish, but I couldn't hold out for long and we have been having secret make out sessions and engaging in oral sex for about 6 months now. We don't go out of our way to see each other; it is mostly hooking up after work or at parties, whenever it is convenient. I have been realistic about the situation, and continued to see other guys, knowing that he still (at least technically) has a girlfriend.

 

However, I fear that my feelings have grown for him. In fact, I catch myself comparing the guys I date to him and discarding them because they don't measure up. I think about him constantly and am getting emotionally confused over the whole situation. I've talked to him about it quite openly, but the best he does it console me and say maybe we should slow down so I don't get a broken heart. What I really want him to say is that he has feelings for me too! It's almost patronising. I don't expect him to drop everything and make a commitment to me but it's hard knowing he has a life that doesn't involve me.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't care for me when we share such an amazing connection. Or maybe I'm just longing for a relationship because that's what society tells girls they should expect from a sexual partner. Any advice please, I have no idea what to do!

[MercyRose]

We don't go out of our way to see each other; it is mostly hooking up after work or at parties, whenever it is convenient.

 

Wake-up call no.1:

Speaks for itself-whenever its convenient. Hardly true love. Men want to be with the girl they want/love as much as possible.

 

I have been realistic about the situation, and continued to see other guys, knowing that he still (at least technically) has a girlfriend.

Wake-up call no.2:

He doesn't technically have a girlfriend he does have a girlfriend.

 

Wake-up call no.3:

Do you really want a boyfriend like him?? One who cheats on his girlfriends and has blow jobs of convenience?? Even if you did become his girlfriend, which you won't, he will do exactly the same to you.

 

Start respecting yourself and start setting your standards higher. And pity his girlfriend for having such a bastard for a boyfriend which she probably isn't even aware about.

 

However, I fear that my feelings have grown for him. I think about him constantly and am getting emotionally confused over the whole situation.

 

Just Wake-up here.

You are living in your head. Why have your feelings grown for him? Has he shown what a wonderful character he has by cheating on his girlfriend for you? Or do you think you give better blow jobs than she does so you are much better than her?

 

If thats the case why hasn't he dropped her and run straight into your arms telling you how much he loves you? You are emotionally confused because you are not looking at the facts you are looking at what you wish would happen and you are imagining the whole situation in pink fluffy clouds of self-created illusions/delusions.

 

I've talked to him about it quite openly, but the best he does it console me and say maybe we should slow down so I don't get a broken heart.

 

Wake-up call no.4:

Listen very carefully here. He has told you quite plainly that if you continue with your delusional way of thinking that he will break your heart. Men who are interested in you for just a fling can either lie and string you along telling you anything you want to hear or you could be very lucky and meet a truthful one who tells you bluntly not to get your hopes up and that there is no chance of a relationship developing here-its just sex.

 

You are lucky, he just told you the truth, listen to him and believe him. He just wants the sex not a relationship.

 

What I really want him to say is that he has feelings for me too! It's almost patronising. I don't expect him to drop everything and make a commitment to me but it's hard knowing he has a life that doesn't involve me.

 

Again, just Wake-up here.

You cannot change reality, you cannot control what he wants and what he feels or doesn't feel. And you obviously do want a commitment from him on some level or else you wouldn't care about his feelings. Stop lying to yourself.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't care for me when we share such an amazing connection.

 

The eternal question on all womens mind...Its funny how one person can feel a connection with someone yet the other cannot feel it at all. Its either all in the head, or women are more sensitive, or you decide 'he is the one for me' but obviously he knows you are not the one for him. Accept this it cannot change.

 

My advice is get out now. You are obviously developing feelings and want more than he does. He has clearly told you no chance, his words 'maybe we should slow down so you don't get a broken heart.' The message is loud and clear.

 

Get out so you have a chance to get over him before you are in too deep because it will take longer to heal a broken heart.

 

In fact, I catch myself comparing the guys I date to him and discarding them because they don't measure up.

 

Why you would want a cheat and a user is beyond me.

 

You are clearly involved more than you should be. You have to get rid of this guy, heal and move on and find a new guy who wants you and only you with all his heart.

[amerikajin]

Messing with a married or engaged couple is a big-time no, no, but it's a little different here. My attitude about relationships is, if two people aren't committed, they aren't committed, and whatever happens, happens. Boyfriend and girlfriend - even living together - aren't husband and wife. It isn't a committed relationship, so while it is still "cheating", it's kinda fair play in my opinion. Of course, that's just my take on it.

 

I think Mercy's right about one thing, though: I think this guy sees you as sex on the side. Unless I misread something, you don't really date all that much, just kinda hook up for some playtime once in a while. That's hardly the basis of a real relationship.

 

Like I say, he's not married, so the cheating part is his problem to sort out with his woman. Now if it were me in your situation I would probably want some kind of progress in the relationship at some point, which would mean cutting ties with his current gf. Whatever the case, I'd keep your guard up and keep yourself somewhat distant until he moves in your direction. Heck, it might even make him want you more.