Lots of questions.....how to proceed

[ringoffire]

Long story.....but I'll try.

 

I met Greg in the summer of 2002 at a live-in work situation. Fell into immediate lust with him, he didn't reciprocate my advances. I carried a torch for him.....we became very close friends. I moved away and quit my job eight months after our initial meeting to try to get over him.....circumstances forced me back to the job/live-in situation and into his life. He immediately began to introduce me to his good friends and I dated them......while still carrying a torch for him which I made him aware of.

 

We remained close friends and after we left the live-in/work situation five months after my return, lived very close to each other and remained in contact with one another for another year. Financial issues (as well as wanting to 'get over him') forced me to return to my hometown where I attended college and worked sporadically. I remained there for eighteen months, dating other guys and still carrying a very strong torch for Greg. Greg and I spoke on the phone sporadically, but I distanced myself from him to try to 'get over him'.

 

I left my hometown to move in with a long-distance boyfriend I'd been dating on and off in July of 2006. Became pregnant and moved up our July '07 wedding to March. I called Greg to invite him to the wedding since I had no idea where he was living exactly. He was working and would be unable to make it.

 

He contacted me via AIM a few months later and from then on, we communicated via phone, e-mail and AIM frequently talking about the same subjects you would with a girlfriend (sex, daily life, jokes, relationships). My husband was aware of all of this and encouraged it.

 

We planned a meeting in August 2007 where we went out for lunch and a long drive on a rural road. We met again several times in the following months and continued our phone conversations.

 

I made him aware that I still carried a torch for him, which he never acknowledged (such as saying.....you are a great friend.....you're married....why don't we stay friends?) after his initial rebuff of over five years previous.

 

He purchased a home in January of last year, which he invited me to visit and spend time at several times. While there, our conversations are very sexual.

 

I have not been satisfied sexually in my marriage (husband has little sex drive due to medical reasons which he doesn't want to treat.....I have a very high sex drive....) and my husband flat out told me to have an affair or have ONS if that will sate my sexual appetite. I think that a BOB might do the trick, but I'd love actual sex as much as possible. He, being convinced that Greg has been sexually attracted to me all along, wants me to pursue a sexual relationship with him.

 

This all came to a head last week when I found that my husband has been having an affair for the length of our marriage. I went to visit Greg as I'd planned and we spent the day together. I showed him a series of Boudoir photos that had been taken of me a few months ago and he enjoyed looking at them and said so. I mentioned putting an ad on Craigslist for Casual Encounters and he mentioned putting up on of my boudoir pics up with the ad. I said no and mentioned that I'd prefer taking another series of pics to choose from for the CL ad. I asked him if he could take them while I posed in the driver's seat of his sportscar. He agreed.

 

When we got to the location where we'd planned to shoot the photos, he offered to take the photos with his camera and then e-mail them to me in a zip file. I agreed and we commenced to shooting. The shots were panty and bra shots with a few topless taken from the back (So you see my bare back....not breasts.)

 

I have not contacted him since that day and neither has he. I have not received the photos yet.

 

So, my questions:

 

I want a sexual relationship with Greg. After what happened during our last encounter.....how would you broach the subject with him? He's very assertive.

 

I acknowledge that we've had an emotional affair.....but that doesn't jibe with his platonic behavior for the first 4 years of our relationship/friendship. Do men actually "un-friendzone" women? Or is he just acting the way any hot-blooded man might act when confronted with female interest?

 

Can someone please help me make sense of this? I'd love more.....but don't know what to do.

 

I trust him completely, which is part of the reason why I asked him to take the photos......but after hearing from others.....I'm wondering if he really does like me.....as I don't think that a platonic friend would feel comfortable taking risque photos of someone that he wasn't sexually interested in.

 

Thanks

[aviva_dawn]

I'd try to forget about this guy. If he were interested in you, he'd have made it obvious 6.5 years ago.

 

The pictures. Well, let's just say HELLO INTERNET!

[Charles1978]

Did this guy ever date a girl to your knowlege? Heck he might be gay. If not, you probably made a mistake by telling him that you were going to put yourself on Craigslist. With all due respect, why would he want to have sex with a woman who is on Craigslist? There is no way I would do that, as STD's are a concern in that situation.

 

I just think your very different situation might be turning him off. Think of all of his possible concerns... you being married, and in his mind... who knows what you've been up to if you are putting yourself on Craigslist? He has to be blown away by all of this, and for that reason, is not interested in you sexually.

[ringoffire]

He's dated seven girls that I know of off the top of my head in the time since we met. Dated the first ten months after we met.

 

I see that what I said might have and probably did scare him off.....after the photography session, we went to Wal-Mart because he asked me to help him grocery shop. While there, I bought a pack of condoms and when he asked why, I said "Because only God knows what a guy might have...I'd take him to get tested before we got involved, but hey.....who can really be sure." He said "Well, I don't use anything. I know that the girls I'm with don't have any thing nasty."

 

Who knows? I wish that he'd just say one way or the other if he were interested or not.....might help me in trying to get over him if he isn't.

 

The thing is, I really don't want to engage in an affair with anyone but him, and he asked before he dropped me off at home "Would you really go on CL?" I said "No....I honestly wish that my husband didn't have the issues that he did so I didn't feel so sexually deprived. I'll probably get a vibrator and take matters into my own hands." We drove by a sex shop and he drove in and parked and said "Why don't we see if there is anything you like in there." We went, I was broke at the time and so didn't buy anything.

 

I got an e-mail from him tonight asking whether I'd put up a CL ad and I said "No. Not planning to. I was joking about that." He replied "Good."

 

So who really knows. How should I treat him the next time we see one another?

[Tinaa]

I think you made a mistake by telling him that you were going to put yourself on Craigslist.

[carhill]

OP, it is possible for a man to change his feelings about a woman. The question is, is it probable in this case?

 

Did/does he have a lot of female friends? You'll hear about them incidentally in conversation.

 

Someone upthread mentioned homosexuality. That's possible. If so, I would think you'd have seen some signs, beyond how he interacted with you.

 

It's possible he processes interactions with women differently than most men, much as I do. For me, attraction grows from intimacy (not sexual flirtation, though that is fun) so, if a woman were to meet me and show me signals of attraction, I wouldn't immediately respond sexually, rather wish to get to know her better. This often, apparently, is frustrating, as your initial contact with Greg indicates.

 

How old are you and Greg?

 

Lastly, I'd suggest cleaning up your M (probably that should be the first priority), as you have a child to consider. Given the circumstances, there's really no reason to remain married.

 

Tell me, has Greg been supportive of your M? When you told him about your H's affair, how did he react? This is critical, IME.

 

To recap, change of feelings is possible, for Greg, if he's straight. End your marriage before exploring that. Don't be a monkey grasping for another branch.

[ringoffire]

I hear very little about his female friends who are NOT his exes. He's stayed friends with all of them, save one. Apparently, he talks about me to everyone constantly. Case in point: when we were last together and sitting at his table drinking coffee he asked "I've told you about Grace, haven't I?" I said "No. I've never heard the name." He said "Are you sure?" "Positive. I'm sure I'd remember her if you'd mentioned her to me." "I know that I've told her lots about you." Grace turned out to be someone who he'd gone out on a few dates with, didn't feel that she was suited to him, although they quickly became friends.

 

He's 26, I'm 25.

 

He's tried to be neutral about our marriage. Was in disbelief when I told him about H's affair, especially because I'd always made clear that infidelity or abuse would be reasons for a divorce ASAP if I'd ever married.

 

So, getting the divorce. Then taking some time for myself and then going to take things with Greg from there.

 

 

Working on making it feasible to live on my own before getting a divorce. Such as job, place to live, ecetera. I anticipate filing for divorce in 6 weeks.

[carhill]

Others perhaps will lambaste me for this, but I'm going to offer my prediction. Greg is too emotionally immature for a healthy and mutually satisfying LTR with a woman. This presumes he is not homosexual. I see a lot of signs of my psyche at his age and, as we know, hindsight is usually pretty clear.

 

Tell me, has he been physically affectionate with you, as a friend? I'm not talking about "hitting" on you. If so, tell me about that and your impressions.

[ringoffire]

Hugs, but those are infrequent. Otherwise, no.

[ringoffire]

Those hugs were "Hello", "Goodbye" hugs.

 

Now that I think about it, one of the friends that Greg tried to get me to date was his 'best friend' and he was gay, as I found out not long after. Greg's BF came from elsewhere in the state to visit Greg and a cousin of his who lived nearby and brought another friend with him who immediately began hitting on me and let me know that Greg had supposedly slept with his BF and that the BF was definitely gay. I broke up with Greg's BF immediately telling him "Hey, if you're gay......why not date a man? You'd be much happier that way." He agreed. I asked Greg why he had bothered trying to hook me up with a man who was gay.....he said that he thought that he wasn't really gay and thought that we would make a good couple. When I asked him if he'd slept with his BF, he became irate and didn't speak to me for a few days.

 

So, now you have me wondering if he is in the closet......

 

At least I'm thinking from all angles now.

[carhill]

Oh, he's gay alright....

 

[ringoffire]

Seven years spent chasing after a guy who is gay!

 

Oh my.....

For his sake, I hope that he will find happiness romantically with someone, someday.

At least we're friends and hopefully will remain so.

Still getting a divorce, but that's another topic.

[Charles1978]

Just as I suspected... this guy is gay. No doubt.

 

But in the future, keep the Craigslist thoughts and the family size pack of condoms private. Any guy who observes things like that would probably run for the hills. Good luck!